Author: Maynard , Glenna
Date: 2019-08-22

The Weight Of Us

Glenna Maynard

© 2019 The Weight Of Us Glenna Maynard

Previously published as When It Rains ©2106

This is a work of fiction. Names characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously and any resemblance to actual people, alive or dead, business, establishments, locals or events is entirely coincidental. Any reference to real events, business, organizations or locals is intended only to give the fiction a sense of realism and authenticity.  All rights reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a   retrieval system, or transmitted by any means – electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying), recording, or otherwise – without prior permission in writing from the author.

The author acknowledges the copyrighted or trademarked status and trademark owners of the word marks mentioned in this work of fiction.

Dedication

To believers of fate, lovers of serendipity. Everything happens for a reason.

Acknowledgments

To my fantastical betas who don’t care to call me to the carpet when something needs work, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Readers like you are why people like me put our stories out there for the world. Thank you, Tina, I truly adore you.

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Blurb

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

About Glenna

Available Now

The Weight Of Us

He's my fiancé’s brother.

I shouldn't want to be with him, but fate is plotting against me.

The man makes me crave things I shouldn't. He makes me want to live again.

I know he feels it too—this attraction between us growing stronger each passing day.

I try to give him up, walk away, leave him behind, but he won't let me go without a fight.

Chapter 1

Joey

“Babe, I’m gonna be late,” I protest as my girlfriend begs me to come back to bed.

Natalie went to pull the car around ten minutes ago. She will be knocking down the door, again, if I don’t get a move on. I lean down to kiss my love goodbye.

“Please, Joey. Give me five minutes and you won’t care.” Audrey sucks on my earlobe knowing I can’t resist. I’ve never been able to tell her no.

“If you want me to take you to that new sushi restaurant this weekend. I have to go to this meeting,” I tell her, trying to make her see reason.

She flops back against the feather filled pillows she insisted we just had to have. Kicking her long slender legs in the air she puffs up like a blowfish, puckering her precious lips into a puppy dog pout. “Fine,” she growls in defeat as I go in for that goodbye kiss. “But just think of this on your lips all day.” She takes her finger and runs it over her clit before rubbing it against my lips.

“Audrey,” I warn with a smile.

She pops up resting on her elbows. “I love you, Joey, and my pussy does too.”

“I love you most, your pussy too, but I have to go.”

“Go on and leave me here to play with myself, since you won’t do it,” she teases, throwing her head back. Her dark hair puddles on the pillow behind her.

“Baby,” I say, wavering between joining her or leaving.

“No, it’s okay,” she lies, looking away from me.

“I’ll see you for dinner.” I stand my ground and go over to the dresser. Straightening my tie, I watch my sexy as sin girlfriend’s reflection in the mirror.

She begins rubbing her fingers over her bare pussy lips, with her head still thrown back, as if I’m already gone. She knows how to play me. I watch as she touches herself. Her pretty pussy is glistening with slick heat. Goddamn, she’s gorgeous. Some days I still can’t believe she’s mine. Her lips are screwed into a perfect O as she starts to pant.

I swallow hard as she pushes her shirt up and teases at her dusty pink nipples. Really getting into her performance, she moans, squeezing her knees together, smashing her hand between her thighs, and blocking my view.

I let out a groan as my dick hardens from her show.

She catches my eye in the mirror and smirks knowing she has me. I am the walking definition of pussy whipped, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Her thick lips part, and she licks her bottom one before sinking her teeth into her skin.

“Fuck it,” I growl at her reflection. I have to have her, even if it is just for five minutes. I cross the small room swiftly, in three short strides. I loosen my newly straightened tie and run my hand up her t-shirt. Well technically, it’s my Guns N’ Roses t-shirt, but my girl loves sleeping in it. I’ve had the faded thing since college. I’ve had that shirt longer than I’ve been with Audrey.

She’s my sister’s best friend. We met when Natalie was going through one of her many phases. The brat is always into something new. One week she was all about organic living, and the next she was all about some fancy leggings. The week they met she was into karaoke. It’s because of Natalie and Audrey that we started the bar. When our grandfather died, he left Natalie, our brother Nate, and me four hundred thousand dollars. The only catch was we had to invest it in a business.

Audrey talked us into buying the hole in the wall dive bar she was working in. The place needed a lot of improvements. We had our work cut out for us, but we were able to move into the three apartments upstairs to save on money. Eventually, the little changes we made to spruce up the bar started to pay off.

Nate was already enlisted in the Army and overseas when grandpa had passed away. He left it to me and Nat to invest and give him his cut of the business. His apartment sits empty, waiting for him to return home. He calls when he can or emails, but he’s scheduled to be discharged in a few months, and I can’t fucking wait. I’ve missed the shit out of him. I can’t wait for him to see what we’ve done with the place. I want to surprise him with the deal I’ve got in the works.

I can’t wait to show off Audrey to him either. But more than that I want him to have something to come home to that he can be proud of.

This meeting I’m heading to could change everything. I’ve spent the past year building our business, Carwell’s Bar & Grill, with Audrey by my side. Natalie was approached by an investor who wants to open a second bar in Wheeling. He thinks we could become a franchise. This guy has big plans. Plans that could secure the life I want to give Audrey.

“Oh, baby,” she coos against my mouth. Her lips are so warm and inviting, tasting of honey and vanilla lip balm. She never goes a moment without wearing it, it’s her thing. She tugs my bottom lip between her teeth, nipping me, as I palm her breast.

“Fuck, you make me so damn hard.” My dick is growing harder, needing to be inside her. She is like sexual napalm.

“I love it when you talk dirty, Joey,” she says shoving my pants and boxer briefs down.

Audrey is the only person who calls me Joey. I am just Joe to most or Joe JR, named after my father, Joseph.

However, when I met Audrey, she decided that I was her Joey. She was looking all cute in her black tube top, dark-denim mini skirt, and cowgirl boots.

I kept asking for her number and she kept telling me no. She said, if we were meant to see each other we’d cross paths again. There was no way I could leave it to fate, I just knew she was the one. There was a spark between us, an instant attraction, but I felt as if I had known her my whole life, she was so easy to talk to. It was more than flirtation and insta-lust.

“At least tell me your last name,” I yelled in her ear over the loud music and she giggled, looking so damn sexy. The girl caught me completely off guard. I wasn’t used to women dropping at my feet, but I had never had to work so hard just to get a girl to talk to me.

Every word she spoke was a challenge I had to complete to get to know her. I’ve never met another soul as wild, free, and pure as hers.

She took my beer from my hands and downed it before pulling me to the stage to sing a duet with her.

“I don’t sing, and I can’t dance,” I confessed.

“Oh, Joey, I have the perfect song. If you make me proud, I’ll tell you my last name.”

“You drive a hard bargain.” I groaned rubbing my hands over my face. I waited anxiously on the side of the stage as curious eyes stared at me from the audience.

Audrey smiled at me eagerly as Genesis, I Can’t Dance, played.

Awkwardly, I joined her for the song. She bumped and grinded against me, making me forget anyone was watching. It felt as if it were just the two of us in the room.

Needless to say, she was impressed with my effort, earning me her last name, and I later bargained for her number with a second performance.

“Give it to me. Fuck me, baby,” she whispers against my neck as I enter her sweet heat. I slam into her greedily as she bucks her hips, urging me to go deeper and harder.

Her body moves in sync with mine. We have been together for two years and I still can’t get my fill of making love to this woman. I can’t wait to see her stomach swollen with my child someday, sooner rather than later, I hope. I can’t wait to put a ring on her finger and give her my last name. I’d ask her to marry me right now if I had the time.

My cellphone buzzes on the nightstand.

“Ignore it,” Audrey whines, but I know I can’t. This morning is too important. Our future is riding on this meeting.

Stretching, I reach for the phone, knocking it to the floor.

“Harder,” Audrey pants. “Oh yes. Like that right there. Now faster, baby. Fuck me, Joey.”

“Ew. God, just stop. No, just no. I don’t need to hear this,” I hear my sister say through the speaker of my cellphone that is lying on the floor.

“Fuck,” I mutter, resting my forehead against Audrey’s.

“Hang up right now if you value our friendship,” Audrey growls. “I need him for five more minutes.”

“Shut it, bitch. Joe, you get your body parts away from my friend and get down here now.” She hangs up and I pull away from Audrey.

“Sorry, honey. She killed my mojo. I’ll make it up to you,” I vow, hoping like hell the next time I’m inside her she has my ring on her finger.

She glowers at me. “You owe me.”

I kiss her once more, savoring her taste. “I owe you,” I agree. Her tongue brushes against mine and I pull away with a growl, knowing if I don’t stop I’ll miss the meeting.

After a quick trip to the bathroom, I am on my way with thoughts of Audrey lingering in my mind.

She’s my everything.

I want to give her the world.

I think back on the day I asked her to move in with me. It was unexpected, and I couldn’t believe she said yes to living together. She was about to leave to move back home to her family in Kentucky. Things weren’t going the way she had hoped. Audrey couldn’t find a decent job to support her while the bar was shut down for renovations.

All I knew was I didn’t want her to get on that plane. I knew I had to act fast. If she got on that plane, I knew it would be the end of us. So, I put myself out there scared to death she would say no, that it was too much too soon.

“Baby, if you get on that plane, I might die. I love you and I really want you to stay with me. Be with me, forever.”

“What are you saying, Joey?”

“I’m saying come home with me. Let me take care of you—let me love you.”

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pecked my lips. “You mean it. You really want me to stay?” Her face was masked with a hopeful smile to hide her fear, but I knew she was just as terrified as I was. The trembling of her hands and fast beat of her heart gave her away.

“The rest of my life. I want wake up to you every damn day.”

“Oh, Joey. I’m going to make you so happy, baby.”

I can still remember the unshed tears in her eyes. Tears of joy. I’ve never regretted asking her to move in with me.

We’ve been together every single day since. Audrey wasn’t the settling down type when we started dating. She has never been career driven. Always just taking whatever job came her way. She was like a tumbleweed blowing in the desert, thirsty and with no idea of where she was headed. She still doesn’t know most days, but God do I love her.

She spends most of her time helping Nat and me with the bar and never gives herself enough credit. Her marketing skills are phenomenal. She has amazing ideas when it comes to attracting new customers. If it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have taken off like we have. The woman, my woman, is an advertising genius. She doesn’t see herself the way the rest of the world does. Audrey is smart, beautiful, and talented, but she is so not an early riser. I know I will need to call her in an hour to make sure she helps Lewis open. If I know my girl at all, I know she has already fallen back asleep.

Nat reaches me a coffee as I scoot into my seat and buckle my seatbelt.

“I really could have gone without hearing you diddling Audrey,” she says scrunching up her nose as she pulls onto the street.

I grin. “Well thanks to you there wasn’t much diddling.”

“You are so lucky you are holding hot coffee.” She shakes her head, mirroring our mother. Her forehead crinkles in the middle exactly like Ma’s does when she is lecturing me about my lifestyle choices.

Our mother was none too pleased when she found out Audrey moved in with me over the bar. She is very old school when it comes to marriage, and she isn’t Audrey’s biggest fan.

“That girl isn’t right for you. She doesn’t have a real job and lives off you, Joe JR. When are you going to stop messing around and settle down with a good girl that will give me grandbabies,” she said when I asked her for grandma Mundie’s engagement ring. “Stop thinking with Lil’ Joe and find a nice girl to marry. I like Audrey, but you aren’t meant to be.”

“I know you and Audrey don’t get along, Ma, but she’s the one. I love her. You can either accept it or not, but she makes me happy. If you can’t support my love for Audrey, then you don’t love me as much as you say you do.” I looked her dead in the eyes when I said it and then I left. We haven’t spoken much since.

I haven’t popped the question yet, I was hoping Ma would come around and offer her support, but she hasn’t. That was six weeks ago. She just doesn’t like Audrey because she walked in on us having sex last year at Christmas.

My Ma has this thing for family traditions, and she makes a big deal out of holidays. Christmas being the main one she goes gaga over. She goes all out with the food and decorations. Every year she insists that Nat, Nate, and me come home to spend both days with her. Last year I brought Audrey. I told Ma we come as a package. She wasn’t happy, but conceded, saying Audrey could sleep in my old room, while I could sleep in Nate’s room, since he was overseas and unable to come home.

I crept up the stairs in the middle of the night for just a kiss, but it didn’t end there. One kiss turned into burying myself balls deep in Audrey. Though in my defense one kiss is never enough. I guess my old bed squeaked louder than I remembered, and Ma and her rabbit ears heard us, bursting in the room. I don’t think she was prepared for seeing my bare bottom with the balls of Audrey’s feet digging in my ass cheeks.

“Hey, lover boy.” Natalie snaps her fingers in my face. “I’ve asked you like five questions.”

“Sorry, just nervous about everything. Today is a big day in many ways.”

She eyes me suspiciously, trying to read me.

“You’re hiding something from me. Spill it, Joe,” my sister demands. She might be Nate’s twin, but we share a close bond. Growing up everyone thought we were triplets. Ma got pregnant with Nat and Nate when I was around nine months old. So in a lot of ways we were a trio.

“Not a word to Audrey, but tonight over dinner, I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

“Shut up!” She smacks my chest with a wide grin. “I’m so happy for you, Joe.” She pauses. “Audrey though, you think she is ready for it. I mean don’t get me wrong...I love her dearly, but that’s a big commitment.”

I roll my eyes. “Oh, I get it, sis, you’ve been talking to Ma.”

“That isn’t what I meant. You know I adore Audrey and love the two of you together.”

We are stopped at a red light near the restaurant we are meeting Kevin Stark at for brunch.

“Forget it, Nat. I don’t need your blessing and neither does Audrey.”

My hand is tight on the door handle and the light is getting ready to change.

“Joe…don’t be like this. I’m happy for you honest,” Natalie pleads but it’s too late. Her true feelings are out now, and she can’t take them back. I thought of all people she would be happy for me, for us—Audrey and me.

“I’ll meet you there, sis. I need some air.”

I get out of the car before the light changes and step onto the sidewalk.

The light changes and I wave my sister on. The car behind her honks their horn, and Nat throws her hands up as I cross the side street.

Suddenly I am struck hard, my body is catapulted, and I hit the hard fiberglass of a red sports car. My body feels like I am shattering from the inside out as I roll from the hood and under the wheels. The last thing I see before my world stops is Audrey’s smile from this morning. Her pink lips curved in a sexy grin—my heaven, amidst the hell that is dying.

Chapter 2

Audrey

Humming along to Awolnation, I apply my lip balm and grab my phone. I thought Joey would have called to make sure I am up by now. I cannot wait to hear how the meeting is going. I’ve always known Joey was special. He is meant for greatness.

I first met Joey through his sister, Natalie, when I was waitressing at a hole in the wall pool hall. He walked in and literally took my breath away. He was and still is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. The way he carried himself with such confidence was so damn sexy. I had never met a man so sure of himself. His sureness attracted me first, and then he opened his mouth. His voice was so sweet, like pure sugar. I thought I would melt then and there. He was so cheesy with his lame pick up line it was endearing. “My prayers have been answered. I asked God for an angel and here you stand.”

He actually made me blush and nothing makes me blush, ever. I’m not wired that way. I don’t ever get embarrassed. But Joey, that man, he just makes me feel everything. I’ve never had what we share. He has shown me that it is okay to let people in and it is okay to love them too.

When I first moved to Clemons, I had followed loser boyfriend number three with hope of us making it as a duo, similar to The Civil Wars. Grant had other plans. When things got tough, he abandoned me, leaving me here with nothing.

I bounced back, he may have bent me, but I wouldn’t be broken so easily. I took whatever jobs I could, and I met Nat one night by chance. I found her in the bathroom crying over some jerk who had stood her up. I said to her, “No man deserves your tears.” Then I bought her a drink and got on stage with her to sing Ladies Night.

Her voice was terrible, but we had a great time. We became instant friends and she started coming in and hanging out with me.

If it wasn’t for her dragging her sexy brother along with her one night, I may have never met Joey. That night changed my life. Joey thinks I have commitment issues, but I’m just scared he will realize how much better he’d be without me. His mom sees it, and one day she will make him see it too. He has such high aspirations. I don’t have any of that. I am floating from one day to the next. I need Joey to keep me grounded. When he looks at me, I feel as if I could do anything and be anyone. No one has ever loved me and believed in me the way he does. He makes me feel as if I really matter.

I keep waiting for the day to come where he no longer needs me, his bubbly sex kitten, and meets someone with goals, who can give him things I can’t.

Joey’s Ma thinks I am just sponging off him, because I like working at the bar with him and his sister. Carwell’s Bar feels like home. I draw in a lot of customers. I’m no Madonna but I can sing. I fill a lot of chairs on the weekends.

Swinging the door open, Lewis is already setting the tables for the lunch crowd. He smiles surprised to see me. One of my worst habits is being habitually late. “Morning, sweet thing,” he greets, kissing my cheeks.

I smack his sexy ass and he rolls his eyes.

“You can smack it all you want, but girl, you aren’t getting any of this fine ass. I don’t do women, not even those as sexy as you,” he teases.

Lewis is a delicious hunk of sexual chocolate. His dark skin is so smooth, and the man has lashes I would kill for. He’s beautiful. I have never seen such perfect cheekbones in all my days. He also happens to be gay. All the gorgeous ones usually are.

“Any word yet from your man?”

“No, I am sure they are just getting to the restaurant.”

We fall into our easy routine of preparing the kitchen for Ronnie. The man is an asshole, but he is the best short order cook around. He comes in the back door, right on time, as we finish setting up his stations.

“Good morning, Ronnie,” I singsong knowing I won’t get a response. He grunts with a grimace, going up front to clock in on the register.

The dude has little-man syndrome—meaning he compensates for his short stature with his out of this world asshole personality. He never speaks to any of us unless he has to out of necessity.

Sasha and Lena come dragging in. They are Natalie and Joey's daytime girls. Lena runs the bar with Lewis while Sasha and I man the floor.

“Rough night, girls?” I smirk wondering who their latest conquest was. They always have some wild story to share.

“You have no idea,” Sasha says popping a cherry in her mouth.

“I need some fucking coffee,” Lena whines rubbing her temples.

“I’m waiting, bitches. Dish,” Lewis pipes in taking a seat next to me at the bar.

This is our daily routine. We trade sexcapades until customers start filing in.

Sasha starts going into some spiel about some college boys they went home with, but quickly stops mid-story when Freddie walks in. Interesting. Freddie is the busboy. There has to be a story there and I will get to the bottom of it.

Lewis pulls his cell out of his pocket and his face falls at whatever news the call holds. He covers his mouth and steals a glance at me. The way he is looking at me is freaking me out.

“Hey.” I touch his arm gently. “Is everything okay?”

“Don’t freak out on me, baby girl, but I need you to keep your cool and come with me to the hospital.”

Tears prick in my eyes. “Lewis, don’t fuck with me. What’s going on?” Deep down in the pit of my stomach I have a sick feeling that something is wrong with Joey. He didn’t call me and he always calls me no matter what.

“There’s been an accident,” he says, his voice shaky and uneven.

Fear grips me. I suck in a deep breath and exhale slowly, trying to prepare myself for the worst possible news.

“It’s Joey, isn’t it?”

He nods. I don’t know what to do. My hands are shaking, and I don’t know how to make them stop trembling. I need a drink or something. Lena reaches me a glass of water. My mouth is so dry. Please God let him be okay. I can’t lose him. He’s my world.  I continue to silently pray as I trade the water for a shot of the hard stuff. Fire shoots down my throat and into my belly as it churns with unease.

The girls want to come with us, but Lewis needs them to stay and run the bar, so he can drive me. I know it must be bad if Natalie reached out to him instead of me.

The whole drive to the hospital I keep chanting in my head, praying Joey is okay.

He can’t leave me.

I can’t lose him.

He is my world.

He is the beat of my heart.

I want to marry him…make beautiful babies… I want it all with him.

“Joey will be fine, you’ll see.” Lewis tries to reassure me, but I can see the fear buried behind his eyes. He knows more than he is telling me, but I am too terrified to demand the truth.

The drive seems to take forever. I keep trying Natalie, but I keep getting sent to her voicemail, and I can’t bring myself to call Joey's phone. Something tells me that he won’t pick up. Something tells me that he will never come to the phone for me again.

I mentally replay our morning we shared. The way he looked at me. The love he poured into to me as we made love.

What if that was it. Our last moment together. What if I never get to tell him how much I love him. And that I want to start a family.

We finally make it to the hospital, and Lewis drops me at the emergency room entrance, leaving me on my own so he can park.

I am afraid to go in. What if I go in there and Joey is all mangled or worse…dead? I don’t think I can do this. I shake my right hand and bring it to my mouth, chewing on my thumbnail. How do people do this? How do they walk through those double doors not knowing if their life will be changed forever once they do?

I’m not ready for my world to change. Joey and I have a good life. We’re so happy. I don’t want it all to be ripped away.  I don’t want all our good to go away. I don’t want things to change.

“Sweet girl,” Lewis says approaching me as I pace by the double doors, scared of what the other side holds. “All this pacing isn’t going to change what you are about to face. Joey needs you right now. Be strong for him.”  He squeezes my shoulders. “You are a lion. Whatever happens, you’ll handle your shit like the tough bitch I know you to be.”

“You’re right.” I nod wiping away my tears. I have to be strong for Joey no matter what. I can’t afford to be selfish. When we walk through the double doors a blast of cold air hits me in the face, along with all the sadness and pain the waiting room holds.

Lewis holds my hand as I approach the receiving window.

“Can I help you?” An older nurse with beady eyes asks, clicking on the keyboard of her computer.

I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out.

Lewis takes charge being my voice and my strength. “We got a call about Joe Carwell.”

“Are you family?”

“No, but this is his girlfriend.” He points to my tear streaked face.

“Sorry, immediate family are the only ones allowed back, he was in a serious accident. I can’t release more than that. If you take a seat, I believe his sister will be out in a moment.”

“Tha-thank you,” I finally stutter out as Lewis leads me to the empty plastic chairs in the corner.

This room is terrifying and loud. There are so many people bustling in and out. Some in tears, others with smiles of relief plastered over their faces.

Finally, Natalie comes out of the emergency room. Her white shirt and gray slacks are covered in blood...Joey's blood. I just know it belongs to him. I can see it in her blank stare—pain…loss. I feel faint as bile rises in my throat.

She rushes over to me squatting down and hugging my neck. “I’m so sorry, Audrey. I tried to stop him, but he was so mad at me.” She wipes her nose on my shoulder as her tears fall. She sobs into my hair as I clutch onto her, waiting for her to just say the words. The words I never imagined I would ever hear. Joey is gone.

“He’s in surgery. There’s a waiting room for family. I’ll take you there. Ma is on her way.”

Relief floods me, he’s okay.

He is alive.

That’s all that matters.

I take a deep breath.

Inhale. Exhale.

Repeat.

Inhale. Exhale.

Repeat.

One foot in front of the other.

Lewis and I follow my best friend to the other waiting area. As we walk she fills us in. They had a disagreement, which isn’t surprising being they are always squabbling. Over what though, I am not sure, but that isn’t important right now. Anyway, Joey became upset and exited the car. When he went to cross the street, a car came flying through the intersection, and struck him at a high rate of speed. Natalie was about to make her turn and watched it all happen. She left her car running in the middle of the intersection, rushing to her brother’s side.

“There was so much blood, and his face. Oh God, his handsome face,” She sobs into Lewis’s arms as he hugs her tight to his chest, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

I don’t know how to sit here and simply wait. I’m waiting for Joey to walk in any minute now and tell me it sounded worse than it was. However, he doesn’t.

Joey’s Ma comes in ignoring me completely. I am pretty sure she just snubbed her nose at me, but it isn’t surprising. She goes straight for her daughter, demanding information. I sit with my head in my hands absorbing the story for the second time. Only this time Natalie blurts out what they were disagreeing about with coaxing from Gertie.

“He told me tonight was special.” She looks away when my eyes meet hers. Panic bubbles in my throat. Were they arguing about me? “I know he wanted it to be a surprise. I’m sorry, Audrey. Joe was planning on proposing to you tonight.”

Tears of joy and sadness run down my face with her admission. My Joey wants to make me his wife. But why would they be fighting about that? Oh my God, she doesn’t want me with Joey. I thought she was okay with us, but apparently, I thought wrong. I want to comment but refrain. This is hardly the time or place.

She’s my best friend. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about her not wanting me for a sister-in-law.

I accompany Lewis to the vending machines to get coffee and to give Nat and her mom a moment alone.

Alone and numb, that’s how I feel right now. I feel sick to my stomach, but I drink the gross coffee for something to do to pass the time.

The waiting and the not knowing is tearing me up inside.

**

We have been sitting in the waiting room for four hours now, waiting for answers, eager to just know something...anything. No one is speaking. None of us know what to say. I’m afraid if I say anything it will just set Gertie off. She has never wanted Joey and me to last. Even her dog hates me. Bowser barks at me non-stop every time we go over for dinner, which isn’t often. She hasn’t invited me over since she walked in on us last Christmas.

I don’t know what she wants from me. I love her son and we are adults.

A doctor walks in with a somber, telling face. His eyes are heavy with regret.

“Is my son okay?” Gertie rushes over clutching his hands, grasping for hope.

The world is moving in slow motion as he speaks.

His voice is gravely. “Your son has suffered, multiple, devastating injuries. We repaired what we could, but we don’t expect him to survive the night. He’s on life support, and I wish there was more I could do for him. If you’d like to see him, I suggest you do it now and begin making preparations.”

At this point I am frozen in place.

His words can’t be true.

I have to get to Joey.

He needs me.

I can bring him back.

He will come back—for me.

Natalie is collapsed in a chair wailing loudly that this is all her fault. Lewis is doing his best to console her without much luck. Her light brown hair is knotted and wild as she shoves him away. I feel like I’m having an outer body experience, and this can’t really be happening right now.

“Mrs. Carwell. Your son is an organ donor. We will need you to go over the paperwork at your convenience, but the sooner you act the sooner we can save other families from this heartache.”

“Oh my God!” I yell, snapping out of my daze. “He’s not dead yet and you already want to harvest him for his organs. Fuck you, whatever your name is. Joey is a fighter. He will fight his way back to me,” I cry and go to smack the man but stop myself.

“Miss, I’m sorry. I know this is difficult to hear, but Joe has a good heart. His organs could save a lot of lives.”

Gertie is clutching her chest, wavering on her feet. I grip her elbows offering her my support.

“You make me sick. You are disgusting,” I continue to rant as I help Joey’s mom to a chair. “I’ve read stories about sickos like you. You are all too eager to cut up my boyfriend and steal his parts, so you can feel like a hero... Well, not today,” I spit at him as I get back in his tired face.

“Miss, please calm down, I understand you are upset, but the situation won’t change, he’s brain dead. If you’d like to see him, I’ll take you in myself.”

I am so angry. My body is vibrating. Fat hot tears well up in the corners of my eyes, blinding me and I can’t breathe. My chest constricts. A Mac Truck just parked on my chest. Falling to my knees, I throw up that nasty coffee all over the doctor’s shoes.

“Goddamnit,” he curses under his breath, leaning down. He reaches me a tissue from the nearby table. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been good at this, the telling people their loved one is dying. Losing a patient is hard for me believe it or not.”

“Part of the job, right?” I scoff wiping my chin.

He frowns and extends his hand to help me up. I take his offered kindness and I am the first to see Joey. Gertie is on the phone calling in family. And Natalie insists that I go in first. She is clinging to the same hope as me, that he will fight for me...for us.

The curtains are drawn, shielding anyone passing by ICU from seeing through the windows of his room. The different machines keeping him with me hum and beep, as his chest rises and falls.

“I’ll just go clean my shoes,” Dr. Redding, excuses himself.

I approach Joey slowly. Afraid the slightest movement may bring him harm. His head and face are wrapped in gauze. I can only see his lips, nostrils, and bruised eyelids.

“Oh God,” I whisper, palm against my mouth. My tears fall like a steady rain as I stand by his bedside. There are so many tubes and wires. His arm is swollen. It’s so much larger than I remember. The color of his bruised hand is all wrong. This isn’t the man who was making love to me this morning. What was only a few hours ago now seeming like ten lifetimes ago.

Sensing someone behind me, I turn to see a nurse. “You can touch him, but he probably can’t feel it. He’s been given a lot of medication. But they say talking helps.” She smiles weakly, coming over and checking the readings on the monitors. She’s young, pretty even. I’m glad a pretty warm face is taking care of him. If he were awake, I’d be teasing him right now that he only got in here to fulfill his hot nurse fantasy.

“Hey, can you hear me,” I speak softly to him as if my words could injure him further. “It isn’t supposed to be this way,” I whisper talking to myself more than anyone. “It’s not fucking fair, Joey. You are the best man I have ever known, and I need you. You can’t leave me, you can’t give up on me, damn it.” I cry quietly, wiping my tears on the hem of my shirt.

I brush my thumb over his knuckles afraid to touch him but wishing like hell I could crawl in the bed with him and lay my head against his chest. I wish he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me this is all a dream, that he is still here, and he loves me most as I listen to the beat of his heart.

But staring at him, I can’t feel him. I can’t explain it really, but he isn’t here in this room...in this body.

Joey’s gone and he’s not coming back.

He will never propose.

I’ll never have his baby.

It’s not fair.

I slump over his body as I wail.

Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear it’s Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t.

Lewis. He hugs me briefly.

“Nat and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”

I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard. There is no point in praying for a miracle that won’t come to fruition.

I can’t bear to meet my best friend’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her and hit her so fucking hard, but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone. I want someone to pay.

Chapter 3

Audrey

The funeral was a blur. I hardly remember the service. I barely remember the past month.  Joey, my lover and my friend is gone. I can’t recall the last time I left our apartment. I live off of takeout I order in and have delivered plus the leftovers Natalie leaves by the door. I know what happened wasn’t her fault, but I can’t stand the sight of her. Nat is supposed to be my best friend. Hearing that my boyfriend, her brother wanted to propose marriage should have made her happy for me, for both of us.

Why didn’t she keep her ill thoughts to herself? Why did she need to voice them to Joey right before the most important moment of his career? Hugging his shirt to my nose, I inhale deeply. His smell is fading away. I throw it to the side and try a different one. Tears burn at he creases of my eyes, but I bite them back. Joey is fading away.

How do I go on with my life without him? Where do I go from here? Joey was the center of my world and without him I have nothing.

No hope.

No love.

No future.

**

One week later

Rolling over, I rub my temples as a loud banging noise ensues. It takes me a moment to realize that the pounding isn’t inside my head. Someone is knocking on the door.

“Open up, Audrey or I am using my key,” I hear Gertie shout from the hall.

Ugh. What does she want?

I shuffle to the door, stepping over all the random crap in the floor. Old takeout containers. Wine bottles. Dirty clothes. “Whatta ya want?” I croak.

The handle jiggles. I hear keys rattling.

God. “Fine.” I undo the lock and let the door fall open.

“Good god,” she mutters as she pushes her way to the living room.

I arch a brow. “What are you doing here?”

“Came to check in on you. Nattie says you’ve not been leaving the apartment.”

“Why do you care?”

“Audrey, honey. Joey wouldn’t want this for you. He’d want you to live your life and maybe take a bath and wash the sheets.” She stares past me to the bare mattress in the bedroom.

I plop down in an arm chair. “Who are you, my mother?” I snort with a roll of my eyes.

“No and thank God for that, but my Joe JR loved you and that makes you a part of my family whether either of us like it or not. So, get up and get in the shower. I’m going to start picking up.” Her top lip curls as she bends down to pick up a beer bottle.

“I don’t want to. And I don’t need you cleaning up after me.” I fold my arms across my chest, wishing she’d leave.

“Listen, young lady, and listen good. You are going to march your ass in there and wash it. If I have to strip you down and shove you in I will. But this is still my son’s home and business. I’ll be damned if you’re going to ruin it.” She wags her finger at me and I am partly in shock and partly impressed that she is cursing at me. I never thought she had it in her.

“Chop. Chop.” She claps her hands and I wince as my headache returns.

**

I don’t get why I need to be here. Joey and I weren’t married. I wasn’t even aware that he had a Will. Gertie found a copy of the documents in the safe in the bedroom closet when she came over to light a fire under my ass. God the woman drives me mad. Always calling me. Always asking how I’m doing. I don’t know why she bothers. Why can’t she leave me to wallow until I shrivel into nothing and fade away.

“Mr. Reyes will see you know,” the secretary tells Gertie.

We all raise from our seats. Natalie, Gertie, Big Joe, and me. We are minus, Nate, Joey’s brother. He is still serving his tour of duty. I’ve never met him, but I have seen some photographs. He’s Natalie’s twin but he resembles Joey more.

I follow the family into the meeting room and take a seat toward the other end of the table.

“Come on, Audrey. This involves you.” Gertie bosses me. The woman hates me. I don’t know why she is pretending today.

The attorney goes over the basic stuff, explaining legal jargon that I ignore for the most part. Things don’t get interesting until he reads the Will.

Turns out Joey left everything to me. His apartment. His hare of the bar. He updated everything six months before he passed away. The family is arguing about buying me out as though I am not even sitting here. As though Joey didn’t entrust me to see his dream through.

Everyone is talking at once. “Audrey can’t manage a bar. She should sell her share to Nate and Nat. If she wants to live in the apartment she should start paying rent…”

They are so invested in screaming at one another that they don’t even notice when I slip out the door and hail a cab to drive me home.

I’ve not been inside the bar since that day. The day of the accident. The day I lost Joey.

Standing outside of the building I have called home for two years I can’t believe I’m now a part owner. My smile is a bittersweet one. Joey loved me enough to leave me his baby.  He really did want to marry me and build a future together.

I walk in and see a familiar sight. Lewis tending the bar and Sasha waiting tables. Only thing missing is Joey back in the office crunching numbers.

“Hey stranger.” Lewis shoots me a smile. “What brings your sassy ass out on a Friday night?”

I take a seat at the end of the bar hating that Joey won’t be joining me. I shrug my shoulders and look around the room, I helped him create this space. The artwork on the walls, we shopped for it together. This was his baby, our dream together.

“Can I ask you something?”

Lewis holds up a finger and finishes up with the drink order he is filling. He winks at me while getting his flirt on with the girl ordering the drinks.  She has no shot in hell, but she doesn’t know that and Lewis needs the tips. After swiping and returning her card he motions to one of the girls to watch the bar. Then he grabs us both a beer, comes around the bar, and grabs the stool next to mine. “What’s on your mind?”

“Did you know Joey left everything to me?” I watch out of the corner of my eye for his reaction. Lewis had made no secret of wanting to be a partner. He has offered to buy out Nate’s share several times being he has never even seen the place. Well, not in person.

Sputtering, he spits out his drink. I pat him on the back as eh gets choked. “Sorry,” he croaks.

I shrug and offer him a weak smile. “That was my reaction too.”

“You know I adore you, but damn I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Me either.” I sigh, leaning my head on his shoulder.

I finish my beer and head upstairs to clean up my mess and possibly my life.

I feel like I am floating. Coasting from one moment to the next.

The next day Natalie knocks on my door. Part of me doesn’t want to let her in, but I hate the divide that has been pushing us apart since the day Joey passed. It’s simply been hard to look at her and not want to blame her for fighting with him. The logical part of me knows she had no control of the chain of reactions that were set in motion. She’s my best friend and I miss her.

“Hey,” she sighs as I open the door.

“Hi.” I offer a weak smile in return.

Following me to the kitchen quietly, she then takes up a stool.

“Coffee?”

“Sure. Thanks.”  Things are awkward and stiff between us and I hate that this is where we are.

“So, yesterday was quite the shock, huh?”  There is no need in dancing around the elephant in the room. I am sure the reading of the Will is what brought her over.

“Yeah. Listen, Audrey. I know you’ve been upset with me. But you’ve got to know that what happened was a freak accident.”

I know she is right. Joey shouldn’t have been walking across that street, but he was distracted by their fight. “Nattie, why didn’t you want your brother to marry me?” I need her to be honest with me.

She goes quiet for a minute before answering, tucking her hair behind her ear. I pour us both a cup of coffee, needing something to keep me from saying or doing something I can’t take back.

“It wasn’t that I didn’t approve. You know I adore you and I loved you and Joe together.  I just wasn’t sure if you were ready for that step. I was out of line. I’m so sorry for that. If I could go back and change that day I would in a heartbeat. You have to know I’d do anything to bring my brother back.”

I nod and take a sip from my cup of caffeinated goodness.

“About the business. We had never really discussed the future or anything like that, so it came as a shock to all of us that Joe left everything to you. Of course, it will be a few months before everything clears. I talked Ma out of contesting Joe JR’s wishes. For now, things will continue as they did before.”

“I’m cool with that.”

“So…are we good? Are we okay?”

“We’re good. I do need your help with something.”

“Sure. Whatever you need. Name it.”

“Can you help me pack up some of Joey’s things? I just thought maybe it’d help if I do something productive.” My hand trembles at the thought of clearing out Joey’s stuff but it is only things and things will never replace his memory.

Chapter 4

Natalie

Two months later...

“I mean look at her,” Lewis says bumping his shoulder against mine. “She is just so...”

“Sad,” I finish for him.

Audrey is on stage her head is hanging from the floor upside down as she belts out Bohemian Rhapsody, “Nothing...matters.” Last month was her and Joe’s moving in together anniversary. She had been doing somewhat okay. At least I thought she was. I’ve been so busy with the business, I haven’t been as good of a friend as she’s needed me to be. It’s been hard handling most the workload myself, as far as the daily ins and outs of running the bar. I’m doing twice the work. It was easier when Joe was here. He did the books. Now it all falls on my shoulders. I’m exhausted. Lewis is a huge help, but things aren’t the same.

She begins to howl like a dying cat and then screams, “Eat me all of you, you’re all zombies.” Then she drops the Mic and passes out. Lovely.

“You know I love our girl, but she’s hurting the business. She is running off what little customers we get out the door.” He motions dramatically to the group shaking their heads as they walk out the door.

“I know, but it’s only been a few months. There isn’t a time limit on grief.” I wish I could help her. We all miss him, but it’s different for us. He was planning to propose the day he died, and I just had to open my mouth for Audrey to hear. I had to open my mouth, and start a fight with my brother, and he had to go and get killed. I hate him so much for putting that on my shoulders. I mean, I know he didn’t knowingly walk into the street knowing he was going to die, but it’s easier to be angry with him. He isn’t here to tell me I’m wrong.

“I just want things back the way they were you know,” Lewis says squeezing my shoulder. “I’ll get her upstairs.”

I grab his hand. “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

“Look like that,” he says with a chuckle, pointing to Audrey.

I watch Lewis and Freddie try to pick her up. Audrey breaks my heart. Her head lolls to the side as Lewis cradles her in his embrace like a child. Freddie walks ahead of him opening the doors for him. It’s a familiar sight. We go through this routine a few nights a week.

Some days are better than others. She seems to do better when Ma is here, but I think it is only because Ma scares her. She doesn’t take any shit and won’t put up with Audrey’s shenanigans and pity parties. She puts Audrey in her place, but she also calls to check on her often. I think Ma cares for Audrey more than she likes to admit.

They have a love/hate relationship, like most mothers and daughters. I think Audrey has grown to count on her too. She doesn’t have any family here, but us.

“Sasha, go ahead and start closing out your drawer. Freddie can help you lock up tonight.”

She nods, and I go into the office to call Ma.

“Hey Ma, you heard from Nate yet?”

Nate is short for Nathan, but no one calls him that. My other brother, my twin, is due home any minute now. I am picking him up from the train station whenever he gets in. His phone kept cutting out and I didn’t catch his arrival time. I have missed him so damn much. He wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral. I know it hurt him to not be here. He needed to stay where he was though.

“Yeah, he should be getting in around 10 AM. You sure you want to pick him up. Dad and me are anxious to wrap our arms around him. It’s been too long.”

“Yeah, I want to talk to him about Joe JR and things first. Twin stuff.” I smile faintly. Nate is my other half. Part of me has been missing since he enlisted.

“Okay, drive safe and come straight here after your talk.”

“Love you, Ma.”

“Love you too, baby girl. How’s Audrey?”

“The same, worse. I don’t know, Ma—I worry about her. She loved Joe JR so much. I wish...”

“I know you do,” she cuts me off. “Can’t go back. We can only move forward. Now I know she’s your friend and I know I haven’t been Audrey’s biggest fan. I know she’s hurting, but I don’t want her ruining Nate’s coming home party,” she gripes. “She needs to get her shit together.”

“Yeah, Ma. I know. I’ll handle it.”

I groan after we hang up. No one can handle Audrey. She’s a free spirit, who loves hard and hurts deep. We all hurt, we all miss Joe and wish he were here, but no one more so than Audrey.

I am afraid of what seeing Nate will do to her. He’s my twin, but him and Joe looked so much alike. More than we ever did. I’ll prepare her for seeing him in the morning. She’s seen pictures but seeing him in person is something else.

**

“Hey, I am on my way out to pick up Nate. Are you sure you’re okay to run the bar?”

Audrey nods her head, but she has that lost dead expression in her eyes. Today is not going to be a good one for her.

“I don’t know if Nate will want to come by here today but if he does I want you to prepare yourself for seeing him. Him and Joe looked more like twins than Nate and me. I just don’t want you to get freaked out.”

“I’m good. I swear. Besides, Lewis is working today.”

Bless him. I hope they don’t fight. Lewis is losing his patience with her. I understand where he is coming from but at the same time Joe was my brother and he’d want us to all be here for Audrey in her time of need.

Chapter 5

Nate

Coming home is nothing like I was expecting. I thought I would be getting to have a beer with my brother, but life had other plans. I always thought I’d be the one to die. Joe JR was the smart one growing up. He did everything he was supposed to while I was always getting into trouble. He talked me into enlisting. Said it would give me the discipline I needed and save Ma from a broken heart. I just knew that one day out on patrol I’d drive over an IED and lose a limb or get blown to pieces. I have seen it happen enough times. I’ve witnessed a lot of bad shit I wish I could forget. Dead babies, fallen soldiers. I shake my head and try not to think about the visions that keep me from getting any sleep. They haunt me nightly. Being over there during the war…it was a damn nightmare.

I don’t know what made me think catching a train home was a good idea. Every screech has me gripping the edge of my leather seat and gritting my teeth, while praying I don’t freak the fuck out. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD before I was discharged and put on medication to help me cope with life. But I hate taking that shit, it makes me feel like a Goddamn zombie. However, I shake out a few pills into my palm and toss them down my throat, so I can make it home without an incident.

I hate being this way—depending on pills…going to therapy. It’s all bullshit. Nothing can change what I saw over there. Nothing can change the fact that my brother, my best friend in life won’t be waiting to greet me when I exit this train.

When I enlisted, he was so damn proud of me. Told me I was doing the right thing. That Ma would be so proud seeing me in my uniform. Seeing me become a real man.

The train finally comes to a stop. I grab my duffel bag and step onto the platform where my twin sister, Natalie, is waiting for me. First she smiles and then she cries before wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome home, Nate.” Her hair gets tangled in my dog tags and she giggles.

“Nattie,” I choke out needing her hug more than she knows. Being home is bittersweet. Joe should be here too. I can’t believe he’s really gone. His death still hasn’t actually hit me. I keep waiting for him to jog across the platform and make a wisecrack about my buzz cut. Telling me my ears stick out too much and I will never get laid with a mug as ugly as mine even though we could pass for identical twins.

“Come on let’s get out of here.” My sister wipes at her eyes and her nose.

“I figured we could run by the bar and I can show you your apartment. Maybe introduce you to Audrey and the crew. Ya know before Ma gets a hold of ya.”

“Sure, sounds good.” I don’t tell her what I could use is a cold one to take the edge off.

I follow Natalie to her Toyota. I can’t wait to get back on my bike. I haven’t ridden it in two years. Every time I would get set to come home, something would come up, and it would make more sense for me to wait. Joe JR always swore that he would get a Harley too and we’d go on the road together. And now that I am home it’s too late and my brother is gone. We lost three years that we won’t get to make up. Time waits for no one. I missed our grandfather’s funeral and now I missed out saying goodbye to my brother, my best friend. I want to see the place that I am to call home, but I don’t know how I am going to deal not having Joe around. Sure, I’ve been away while I was enlisted and serving my tour of duty, but this is Clemons, where I grew up, with my brother by my side.

I never expected he’d die so young. It should have been me. I’m the fuck up. The embarrassment to the family name.

The drive to the bar goes quickly. The front windows are tinted lightly to allow privacy. The brick has been painted black and the gold sign out front really stands out.

A few potted plants decorate the side patio. A sense of pride washes over me. My siblings really fixed this place up and made it look classy.

Inside, a brunette with hot legs is leaning across the bar and eating the fruit from the bar. She sees me staring and her face turns pale. The strawberry she was just devouring hits the bar top and her mouth hangs open. I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. I keep studying her, something about her is so familiar, but I don’t know why.

Natalie walks in behind me and nudges me in the rib. “That’s Audrey.”

I clear my throat.

Fuck, the hottie is my brother’s girl. I should have known by the way he talked about her in his emails.

Audrey picks her jaw up and waves awkwardly, and then it hits me how much I must look like Joe to her even though my hair is different from his. Natalie gave me a brief description of Audrey but I wasn’t prepared for how breathtakingly beautiful yet sad she appears.

Suddenly I want that beer I wanted to have with Joe.

“I can’t do this,” Audrey whispers and runs to the kitchen.

“She’s having a really hard time,” Natalie offers as explanation.

“We all are,” I snap at her making an excuse for Audrey. She doesn’t need one. I know it must fucking hurt to see my face.

I help myself to a beer. My sister starts to comment, and I give her the stink eye to shut her up. I can have a Goddamn beer before noon if I want to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take up the stool at the end of the bar.

“Sweet mother of a ghost.” Lewis crosses his chest and kisses my cheek. “Been a while, handsome.”

“Long time no see, man.” I down the rest of my beer. Lewis was always a friend in school. He grew up about two blocks down from our house.

“Guess your mug showing up explains why Audrey is in the cooler having a panic attack.”

Damn it.

“Is she okay?” Nattie squawks.

“On the verge of slitting her wrists like every other day.” Lewis rolls his eyes.

“I’ll go check on her. Sooner she gets used to my face the better things will be I guess,” I state, starting to get up.

“Let me go.” My sister shoves around me. “Lewis can show you upstairs to your apartment.”

“Looks like I get you all to myself, sweet thing.” He flashes his trademark dimpled smile at me.

“Lewis, we both know there isn’t a damn thing about me that’s sweet.” I chuckle as we head out the front door and around the side of the building to the apartment entrance.

He hands me a set of keys. “The red one unlocks the stairwell, the blue one is for the bar, and the green one is for your apartment. Natalie has the apartment on the right and you are next to Audrey on the left and share the balcony with her. Nattie said the walls were too thin and you weren’t here to argue.” He waggles his brows.

“Right.” I roll my eyes and run my hand over my head.

I take the keys and Lewis returns to the bar to prepare for the lunch crowd.

My apartment is bare other than a couch and appliances. It’s all I need for now. I know Ma will want me to stay with her, but with the way I sleep, or the way I don’t sleep I should say, I’d feel better being here. But first, I need to get my motorcycle. It’s in the garage at my parent’s house. I can’t wait to get out on the road and clear my head. It’s been too long since I’ve felt the peace of the open road and the rumbling of my bike.

I keep picturing Audrey’s hurt expression in my head. What can I do though? I can’t change my face. I go to lock up and head downstairs when I hear her sobs melting through my wall.

I hate to hear a woman cry, it triggers feelings and memories I don’t want to remember. My hands start to shake, I have to grip the kitchen counter and take a deep breath. My mind flashes to a year ago.

I’m doing door to door checks for members of al-Qaeda. Dario Erol is believed to be in this poor farming village. Kicking in the door I am met by a woman with a newborn clinging to her breast. She’s crying and shoving the baby into my arms saying she doesn’t have milk to feed him. Checking her home while holding her baby wasn’t at the top of my list, but she refused to take him back. His cry was weak, hungry. I knew he was going to die, and there was nothing I could do for either of them.

A loud crash snaps me out of the past. Audrey, Joe’s girl. Sounds like she’s breaking plates.

I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid of setting her off more. I hesitate unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I can handle her mental breakdown while trying to keep from having one of my own.

Natalie saves me from the burden of decision when she knocks lightly and asks if I am ready to head over to see Ma.

I take a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face. “Yeah,” I call out, hoping my voice holds.

Chapter 6

Natalie

“Is living next to me going to be a problem for Audrey?” Nate questions as we get in the car.

“I don’t think so. I mean, she will get used to seeing you, in time. She really loved Joe, ya know?” I hope that Nate being around might do Audrey some good. Be the hard dose of reality she needs to snap her back to the land of the living. I’m not saying she needs to start dating or anything. However, getting out of her manic-depressive spiral would be a start.

“Is she paying us rent for her apartment? How does that all work?”

I swallow and think of my next words carefully. Nate, like Ma, doesn’t seem to be an Audrey fan. He doesn’t know her, yet. She’s a wonderful person, she’s just a bit lost right now. Joe JR kept her grounded. He was her world.

“As I’ve told you, Audrey was living with Joe, and well he was planning to propose that night. He had asked Ma for Grandma Mundie’s ring. It was in his pocket when he died…” I have to choke back my tears to continue. If only I was a good sister and had just been happy for him. I shake my head continuing with what I want to say. “Joe, well...you know how practical he was. He had a plan for everything. He knew he wanted to spend his life with Audrey from the start. When Grandfather left us the money, Joe had a Will made up.” I steal a glance at my brother. He’s looking out the window, only when he looks at me and nods for me to finish I see that he is listening. “He left his part of the business and his apartment to Audrey, she’s now our third partner.”

“Huh,” he says with a grunt. “Guess Ma wasn’t happy about that.”

“She hasn’t said much about it surprisingly since the reading. At first she was upset but I talked her down.”

His knee is bouncing, and I wonder if being home is too much for him. What I know that our family doesn’t is that Nate was discharged six months ago. He’s been in a mental health facility, until yesterday. Joe didn’t even know. That’s the real reason he couldn’t attend Joe’s memorial, he didn’t have clearance for his safety and ours. The first few months he was in the hospital he was violent and would have episodes where he thought he was still in combat, and well…it wasn’t pretty.

“Hey, you okay?” I ask as we pull up to our childhood home.

“Just ready to take my bike out. Dad said he had it serviced last week and took it down the block.”

Nate has always had a habit of running away when things get to be too much. I wasn’t shocked when he enlisted in the Army at the rate he was going. Smoking pot and stealing cars. Not exactly something you want to stick around and face punishment for. He’s no longer a troubled youth, beside me now is a hardened man.

The birdhouse mailbox greets us as I park. The boys built it, and I painted it for Mother’s Day, years ago. I can’t believe it’s still standing, we did such a crap job, but Ma loved it. She made dad put it on a post first thing that morning.

My brother stretches his legs and makes to get out. Ma and Dad are already running out the door and down the steps of the white two-story colonial. Ma is crying of course, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheeks.

Even our hard ass father has a few wet streaks on his face as he pats Nate on the back gruffly. “Welcome home, son.” His brown eyes crinkle as he tries to hide his tears.

Only thing missing is Joe JR. It still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.

I trail behind, following them inside.

Fake flower arrangements from the funeral are still on display, Ma won’t part with them. Cards of condolences also clutter the coffee table in the living room as though Joe just died. Dad sits in his recliner, Nate takes up the loveseat, leaving me to sit on the couch with Ma.

Pictures of our youth paper the walls. I don’t miss being dressed to match my twin. Ma always loved buying us matching Dick and Jane outfits.

“Is your bag in the car?” Ma asks.

“Nah, it’s at the apartment. I just came over to grab some things and pick up my bike. I’m eager to pick up where Joe left off with the business. I’m sure Nattie could use a break. I take it she’s been running things alone since everything.”

“Nonsense, you’re staying here tonight. I’m cooking your favorite. We have people coming.”

“Damn it, Ma!” Nate snaps. “I’m not in the mood for that.”

Her chin trembles with unshed tears. My brother shoves up from his chair, stomping through the house, and going out the back door.

“Let me go,” I tell her, raising from my chair before she can charge after him.

Out back, I find him on his knees at Joe JR’s grave. I hang back a minute giving him this moment to be alone and accept that our brother is truly gone.

Chapter 7

Nate

Gasping for air, I rush out the back door clutching my chest. Across the patio I see my brother’s grave in the family cemetery, solidifying he’s gone. I walk over and fall to my knees at his headstone. “Joe,” I grit out. “What were you thinking, brother? You always were stubborn. You aren’t here to take the focus off me and my fuck ups. I need you.”

Tracing my fingers over the edges of his name on the marble, I wish like hell I was lying here instead of him. Joe JR was the good kid, the one who was meant to have a good life, making our family proud. Not me, I’m the screw up.

He should be here now living out his life. If I could trade places with him I would.

I can’t help but wonder if he knew he was dying when it happened? I wonder what he was thinking about. Was he thinking about Audrey and the future they would never share?  My lip twitches thinking about how nervous he had to have been when he asked Ma for our grandmother’s ring. He was always a momma’s boy, so eager to please and do the right and expected thing. We were nothing alike, Joe JR and me, but he was my best friend and I loved my brother dearly.

I don’t know how to be here in this house and not have him around. Seeing his grave makes the reality settle in in a way but at the same time I still feel as though he went on a trip or some shit.

“I saw your girl this morning. I can see why you fell for her. She’s a beauty. I don’t think she cares much for my ugly mug,” I joke, knowing he’d find it funny under different circumstances that seeing me had her fleeing the room.

Natalie places a hand on my shoulder and I grip it tight. She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t need to. We stay silent, the two of us, sharing in our grief for our brother.

I make a silent vow to myself that I will find a way to honor my brother’s memory.

“What times this shindig kicking off?”

“Around five or so. If you don’t want to go through with it…Ma will understand. She is just excited to have you back.”

I know she is. I feel like an ass. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I don’t need a bunch of fuckers that barely know me making over me like I'm some sort of Goddamn hero or telling me how sorry they are about Joe. I hate that fake sympathy bullshit. Because that is all it is—shit.

“Tell Ma I’ll be back for her dinner party.”

“Sure thing. Ride safe.”

My sister knows me better than I know myself most days. Twin-intuition or some shit.

Back inside, I find my keys on the hook by the garage door. I don’t waste anytime firing my girl up and hitting the road.

Gravel flies behind me as I punch it and swerve onto the main road with no idea of where I’m riding to. I just need a moment to myself before I have to put on a show for Ma and her friends. Easing back into civilian life isn’t easy.

I drive around Clemons in search of something, but I don’t know what. I drive past my old high school, recalling how most of my teacher’s passed me just to get rid of me. I was a terrible student. No matter how many times my folks threatened me, I’d skip class and get high any chance I got. I was on a fast track to nowhere fast. Ma threatened to ship me off a few times, but I knew she’d never go through with it.

After driving around aimlessly I end up at the bar and hanging with Lewis. I forgot how much fun the dude is for a laugh. He shows me the ropes of running the bar.

I am really impressed that Nattie has been handling this on her own since Joe passed away. She never was big on commitments or following through. I’m sure our brother put most of this in order, but it makes me proud that she has been holding shit down.

I can tell Lewis has something on his mind. We’ve been shooting the shit behind the bar. Him pointing out the locals, telling me I will learn their names and faces soon enough.

“Out with it, man. You have something you want to say to me.”

“I just want you to take it slow, no need to dive in head first and overwhelm yourself is all. I’m just saying I got you is all.”

“Appreciate it, but I’m good. I need to jump in and get into a routine.”

He’s serving drinks and I take this time to get to know the faces of my employees and our usual customers. I’m doing good, nothing is setting off my anxiety, until Audrey comes out of the kitchen and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her, but every breath I take I can feel her watching me, studying me, mentally comparing me to my brother.

My skin begins to crawl and the room grows smaller with every breath I take.

It’s too much, I feel as if I am drowning under her scrutiny. I can’t stop looking at her either though. My mind seems to think we know each other. I keep trying to place her face. Trying to remember where I have seen her before.

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to stay in control, doing the breathing exercises my therapist told me to implement when I feel overwhelmed.

However, my brother’s girl is everywhere I go. I even see her peeping from the backdoor when I throw out the trash.

I wait a few minutes and go to the employee bathroom to wash my hands and splash some water on my face. When I come out she is outside the door, going into the DJ booth.

Having had enough, I snap. “What the fuck do you keep starting at me for?”

She doesn’t answer me and continues to gawk, even though the bar has gone quiet and everyone is watching, waiting for something more to happen.

I try to ignore her and go back to serving beer from the tap.

I can feel her eyes piercing my skin. And now that I know she is continually watching me, I find myself stealing glances at her too. She’s gorgeous. Physically, she’s everything I would go for in a woman. It surprises me in a way that she was with my brother because he normally had a thing for blondes. The more I study her, the more I don’t like the way she makes me feel. I don’t want to find her attractive, but I do. Now I can’t stop staring at her and it is pissing me off. The way her skirt she’s wearing hugs her hips. The way she keeps brushing her long dark hair behind her ear when it gets caught in her hoop earring. She has a freckle under her left eye. I’m noticing every tiny detail about her, filing it to memory, wondering how much of my brother she sees when she steals a glance at me.

I’m not used to being so affected by a woman. She shoots me a friendly smile and I don’t like this at all. I don’t want to be her friend. She shouldn’t be getting under my skin, but she is. She was my brother’s’ girlfriend, she shouldn’t be looking at me like she wants to jump my bones.  And I damn sure shouldn’t be enjoying the attention.

I walk out from behind the bar, grab her by her elbow, and pull her down the hall where the bathrooms are. She comes without hesitation, letting me pull her into the privacy of the storeroom for the mops and other cleaning supplies.

I flip on the light still holding onto her, gripping one of her shoulders. Only now that we are closed up in the small room together do I catch her scent. She smells of fresh honeysuckle. Delicious. Her sad green eyes try to hold me captive as she longs for my brother. I shake my head, I’m not Joe JR, and I never will be.

I won’t be any man’s stand in.

“Look, it’s Audrey, right?” I try to be nice and keep my cool.

Her lashes flutter and she smiles faintly. Her beauty steals my breath away and I am hit with a sense of Déjà vu. I suck in a deep breath. She doesn’t need to be looking at me like I’m her lifeline. I’m nobody’s hero.

“I’m not Joe. I’m not that sweet man. I’m an asshole. I don’t give a shit about your feelings, or the fact that he was supposedly going to marry you. I don’t need you staring at me. I don’t need you hating me for having a face like his. I don’t need your self-pity bullshit. So stay out of my way and I’ll do my best to stay of yours.” I know it sounds harsh, but she needs to be clear that I won’t have her following me around like a lost puppy.

She gapes at me. Her mouth opens and shuts. Her somber eyes widen with shock, and her hand comes up to touch me, but my reflexes are too quick. I shoot her down, knocking her hand away.

I don’t know what she was planning on doing, but with the way she is looking at me it was nothing anything good could come from.

“I don’t need you touching me either,” I grit through my teeth at her, afraid her touch will feel all too good. Her breasts are peeking out of the top of her low-cut shirt and I can’t help wondering how they taste. My mind is racing, wondering why I feel I’ve met her away from my family. Sure, Joe talked about her, but he never showed me her picture. Said he didn’t want me showing my buddies and us having illicit thoughts like I am right now about his girl.

“Fuck you, buddy. You don’t know a motherfucking thing about me.”

Her dirty mouth makes my cock jump and I have to fight the urge to shut her up with a kiss.

I feel crazy.

I’m in trouble.

This is trouble.

I’m attracted to her, and I think she feels a connection to me too. A connection that has nothing to do with Joe JR. Confusion is written all over her pretty face as her thick lips turn into a snarl.

Maybe it’s lust.

Maybe we’re both just broken and lonely and need something to cling to.

I come back at her with a lame response. “Yeah, I don’t want to know you either.” Slamming the door behind me, making sure to drive my point home, I walk away before I give in and kiss her like a crazy person.

My head feels ten shades of fucked up.  I want her gone.

I don’t know what I need but Audrey isn’t it.

Moments later, I’m helping Freddie bust a few tables when I see her step out of the storeroom, wiping at her eyes.

I don’t want to care that I made her cry but seeing her so vulnerable…I want to run to her, take her in my arms, and say I’m sorry. Give her some comfort. Tell her that I’m not always a crazy bastard.

I don’t even know why.

I don’t know her, and she don’t know me. I don’t want to know her either.

We manage not to cross paths the rest of the day. Audrey hangs in the back office while I stay up front. Maybe she will sell us her part of the business. There’s no reason for her to stick around. Joe’s gone, she isn’t family.

I get ready to head back over to Ma’s for my party, and thankfully Audrey isn’t on the guest list. I don’t know why I can’t get this chick off my mind. Maybe it’s just that she’s pretty, and I’ve not been around any attractive available women. Well, Audrey isn’t on the market, but she’s gorgeous. When I am getting ready to leave she takes to the stage to sing as the night crowd starts filing in.

Her eyes look everywhere but at me, and damn it if I don’t want her eyes to meet mine, even though I told her I didn’t want her to stare at me.

When she won’t look at me it about kills me and I don’t know why I am so perturbed.

I stick around a few minutes, curious to hear her sing.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I wasn’t prepared for a voice from the past to come out of her mouth.

She starts out soft and low singing the song Hello, by that Adele chick that has been played to death on the radio.

My mind travels back to before I enlisted.

Three years ago

This brown-haired beauty I’ve been seeing hang around Dusty Rose’s, a low-end bar in Legacy, the next town over takes up the stool next to me. I’ve heard her sing, she has a sultry voice that caresses your senses, and you want nothing more than to listen to her all damn day and night. She can barely hold her head up right now though. She’s as drunk as I wish I were. Her eyes gloss over as they roll back in her head. She slumps against my shoulder and I bump her off. I’m not in the mood for this shit tonight of all nights. Felecia dumped me, called me a loser. Said I’d end up kicked out of boot camp within the first week. Fuck her, I don’t need her.

My brother was supposed to come out with me tonight, but he had to study for some stupid test. Good ol’ Joe always doing the right thing. He’s never missed a day of school in his life. Not even in high school. He would never take part in skip days, afraid it would hurt his precious GPA.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of my brother, I wish I were more like him. One of those guys that always does the right thing. I’m not though. I’m the one that makes all the mistakes and fucks up everything good that comes my way. The military is my last shot to prove to my family and myself that I’m more than a criminal or a low-life loser.

The woman next to me falls against me again, only this time her head lands in my lap. I stroke her dark hair from her face as I down the last of my beer.

“That feels good,” she purrs, looking up at me with half-closed eyes. “Can you drive me home?”

“Where’s home?” I question, not really interested, but her head in my lap, and her pretty mouth have my cock thinking other ideas.

“Motel 6,” she whispers then hiccups.

I know the motel, partied there a few times. It’s just down the street. We can walk if she’s able.

“Come on, I’ll walk you.” I lift her head and try to position her on the stool again. I stand up to get a twenty from my wallet to pay my tab, and she jerks upright before her head can hit the bar.

She needs to sleep this shit off.

“Come on,” I say gruffly taking her in my arms like we’re fucking newlyweds. She drifts in and out of consciousness as I walk down the sidewalk with a would-be corpse, she is so damn stiff. Her head hangs over my arm, lolling from side to side as she moans softly. I hope she doesn’t puke on me. We reach our destination, and I prop her up against the wall by the office. “Room number and key?”

She reaches her hand down the top of her shirt and into her bra. I snort as she hands me a keycard. This drunken hot mess piece of ass kicks her shoes off and starts running for the pool. This chick has some spunk.

Fuck, just what I need, for her to get a second wind and drown.

Picking up her heels, I jog to catch up with her, hooking my arms around her tiny waist before she takes the plunge into the cold water.

“Oh no, you’re going to bed.”

“You going to put me there,” she says with a smirk. Her smile widens to her eyes. Damn, I didn’t realize how pretty she really is. Her dark hair frames her face and she has the most kissable thick lips.

Her nails dig into my arm as I walk her backwards toward the room. She giggles, nearly tripping over a cement parking barrier.

I catch her by her elbow, preventing her from falling.

Her red lips touch against mine briefly, so soft and inviting. I have to remind myself that she’s way too intoxicated for me to let things go further, despite the hardening of my dick against the seam of my zipper begging to differ.

I steal a glance at her key, 102. Thank God, I don’t have to walk her up the stairs. This chick is biting my ear and licking my neck as I unlock the door. She isn’t making it easy for me to put her to bed and end the night there.

I try to put her shoes on the table while she tugs on my hand. “You gonna stop playing with my shoes and fuck me or what?” Okay, yeah, she wants to, but if she wasn’t so damn drunk off her ass would she still want me?

I get her shoes and keycard on the table after a great effort and she pulls me down into the bed. You wouldn’t think someone so small could be so strong. Her long thick hair probably weighs more than she does. Her tongue is in my mouth and her hands are down my pants before I can even take a breath.

I break away from her, trying to think straight.

“Slow down, wildcat,” I say with a chuckle as she tears at my buckle like a rabid animal. “We have all night.”

“You’re hot,” she compliments me, running her hands up my stomach. Her touch is like a match to gasoline. My heart rate jumps through the roof. I want her just as badly as she seems to want me.

“You too,” I reply feeling like an idiot.

“I’ve seen you around. You’re cute.” This hot as hell woman wants to fuck, and all I can do is feel guilty that she’s stupid drunk. Indecision is weighing on me, but I am saved from the choice when she falls back on the pillows and starts to snore.

I roll her to her side, wrestle the covers from under her, and tuck her in. Going to the bathroom, I grab the small trash can, placing it near her head, in case she wakes up and has to puke. Checking the mini fridge she doesn’t have anything to drink. I know she isn’t my responsibility, but I don’t want to leave her without at least making sure she has water, and something to put on her stomach when she awakens.

She’s going to feel like hell come morning.

Taking the room key, I go in search of a vending machine. I find a couple of snack machines by the pool. It takes me three tries to get the machines to take my crumpled bills, but I manage to get her some crackers, along with a bottled water.

Back in the room, she is still sleeping soundly. I place the items on her nightstand, and debate leaving a note. In the end I decide against it, I’m leaving in a few days for boot camp, and she won’t remember a damn thing about this tomorrow.

I kiss her forehead, turn out the light, and bid her goodnight.

I never knew her name—until today. I wonder if she remembers that night. The universe sure is a funny bitch sometimes.

Chapter 8

Audrey

God. I thought that asshole would never leave, he just kept berating me, letting me know his position, like I fucking asked. Maybe it’s time I talk to Natalie about the future of the bar. I don’t think I can bear to look at Nate, “the dick” a minute longer. He freaks me out, and I get the weirdest sensation that I know him. It’s gotta be the fact that he so closely resembles Joey. If I had met such a prick before I would remember.

What was he expecting? He comes here looking like my dead lover and thinks I am not going to stare. It’s like caching glimpses of the man I love. So many times, I wanted to walk up to him, wrap my arms around him, and hug him close to see if he smells like Joey. I know it’s wrong, but I’m drawn to his brother. I can’t seem to stop myself. He’s made me cry twice today. I can’t believe he had the nerve to speak so rudely to me.

No compassion.

No fucks given.

Just hey I’m a prick, deal with it. I dealt with it all right, by ugly snot crying in the closet.

After collecting myself I stayed in the office with my puffy eyes and runny nose for comfort. There was no need for him to be so cruel. I mean yeah, someone staring at you can be uncomfortable and awkward, but I’m grieving, and coping the best way I can.

At least I am handling my, I’m not sure what to call it—my loss of Joey better than my breakup with Grant. When he bailed on me, I drank way too much, and fucked one too many losers, until I met Joey. I try not to think about the girl I was back then very often.

Sure, I drink too much when thoughts of Joey are hard to bear, but at least I’m not taking random dick back to our apartment.

I wouldn’t.

I can’t.

Joey’s memory deserves so much more than that.

These past few months since he’s been gone, I’ve not done a very good job in keeping my shit together. Going over the books proves I’ve let my grief run the bar under. I’ve got to pick myself up and do better for Joey’s memory. He wouldn’t want me staying drunk and ruining what he worked so hard for.

Resolved to turn this place and my life around, I go out front to prepare for tonight. I can’t change things overnight, but a sober performance is a start.

I do my best to ignore Nate while I am on stage, but I can feel his daggered stare piercing my heart. It’s okay for him to gawk at me like a creeper, but not for me to do it to him I suppose. By the time I finish my second song he’s gone to his coming home party. Lewis is getting ready to take off. I promised him, and Natalie I would stay and mind the bar. I know I’m not wanted there anyway. Why would I be? Things between Joey’s family and me have been odd at best since his passing, other than Nattie. I don’t exactly blame her for her argument with Joey the day he died, but I am still hurt she didn’t think I was ready to marry him.

Sometimes I think it would be easier had she not told me that vital piece of information. I wish she had taken that to the grave. Well, let Joey take it with him. Then other nights I lie awake when it rains and wonder what if I had been pregnant when he died. I could’ve had a little Joey growing inside of me. I lay there rubbing my stomach, knowing I will never know what it feels like to carry the baby of the man I love.

Life isn’t fair.

It’s ugly and cruel.

I am snapped from my thoughts by Sasha giggling. Freddie is whispering something in her ear. I knew it. I knew they had the hots for each other. It’s sweet.

“Hey, lovebirds,” I call out over the music. “Get back to work.” I grin and Sasha blushes.

The kitchen is closed, but Freddie always stays around another hour or so to help wash glasses on busy nights. I wasn’t expecting much of a turn out, but it makes me happy to see us half-full. Most people want simple drinks, beer, a shot or some good whiskey and Coke.

I’d love to have a Jack and Coke, but I am making a new promise to myself to try harder. I can’t keep running from my problems or looking for answers at the bottom of a liquor bottle. It’s time to grow some lady balls and turn this shitstorm I have made of my life around.

Joey would want me to do better. He’d want me to live again. Wouldn’t he?

Hours later, when I am laying in bed, I hear Nate next door, fucking the brains out of someone, it’s either that or he’s watching some porn a bit too loud.

Thinking about sex has my core aching, missing Joey’s touch. He still owes me. I laugh at the thought. Maybe he’ll show up in ghost form to pay the debt.

Lying in bed, my fingers skim across my stomach as I listen to Nate grunting and the sounds of a woman moaning. I miss being the one who is moaning too loudly and getting bitched out by Natalie for her having to suffer through the sounds of her best friend and her brother screwing.

Joey knew just where to touch me. He was such a sensual lover.

The first time we were together he went above and beyond to make sure I was comfortable and pleasured beyond measure. His fingers and tongue touched, licked, tasted, and caressed every inch of my body.

On autopilot my fingers trail downward, until they find the crotch of my panties. Rubbing across my lips, I imagine Joey doing the touching. His dark chocolate eyes soft with love and determination to get me off. I think about his tongue sweeping across my clit, loving the way I taste. I bring my finger to my mouth just as he used to do with his own and lick my finger. My other hand teases at my nipples, and I wish more than ever I hadn’t let Joey throw out my vibrator. He said I had him, I didn’t need an imitation.

At the time I agreed, but now as I lay here getting worked up, I wish I had BOB.

The woman getting pounded next door by my unwelcomed neighbor screams incoherently paired with the sound of their bodies slapping together. No wonder Natalie moved across the hall away from Joey and me. Loud sex must run in the family.

I try to ignore them and think about Joey, but I keep picturing Nate’s face instead. There is something seriously wrong with me. Even though they resemble each other, they are different in many ways. Nate’s hair is cut shorter and is slightly darker. He is also more muscular. Joey was in good shape, but his arms were half the size of his brothers.

God, I miss him, his touch, his voice. Unable to concentrate on my own pleasure, I tune back into the performance happening next door.

He must really be giving it to her. Something hits the wall behind my head. Next, I hear the smacking of his hand landing on her ass. I squeeze my thighs together. He must be doing her from behind against the wall. I can’t help but imagine how intense his eyes must be when he is fucking. I wonder if they smolder like they did when he was yelling at me earlier. My fingers are back at my pussy as I think about how he looked when he told me off. Nostrils flared, jaws clenched, eyes dark and heated.

Dangerous.

Erotic.

I hear him clearly now. “Fuck, you like it rough like that? You like it when I pull your hair and pound into you harder?”

Nate is a talker, Joey was too.

“Yes!” she hisses in response. They might as well be lying next to me. I can almost feel their panted breaths they are so close to where I am laying.

My fingers are buried in my pussy, sliding in and out, working faster and harder as I rub my nipples in sync with the thrusts shaking the wall.

“I’m so close,” he tells her.

I want to shout, “Me too.” But I refrain and bite my lip, imagining his muscular body slamming into me with full force, filling me to the hilt, and him biting my shoulder when he climaxes. I circle my clit faster and faster wanting to get off right when he does. I pretend it’s me on the other side of the wall getting her ass smacked and her hair pulled. I hear a guttural groan rip from his throat signaling his climax and I get off, picturing him looking down at me with those dark eyes.

As soon as it is over though shames floods me. I’m a terrible person.

Maybe Natalie was right to tell Joey he shouldn’t marry me.

Not that it matters now.

Still though, I can’t help but wonder if he is looking down on me know ashamed of who I have become.

Chapter 9

Natalie

I’ve been in the kitchen with Ma for three hours slaving over the stove making rolls, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, baked beans, pasta salad. She’s driving me nuts with all this food. You’d think she was expecting Nate’s unit or something. I’m exhausted, and I am certain my makeup has melted from my face. I run out to my car to grab my makeup bag, noticing my brother hasn’t returned.

Audrey messaged me earlier and told me what an asshole he was. I vaguely told her about his PTSD and asked her to overlook him. It will take time for him to adjust.

I hope he doesn’t disappoint Ma. She’s had enough heartache lately. I know this is hard for Nathan, even if I don’t understand what he’s going through. His doctor said he has survivor’s guilt. I am afraid being here and coming to terms with Joe’s death is going to make him worse instead of better. And I don’t know why Ma insisted on inviting that bitch Felecia here. She doesn’t give a shit about Nate. They dated all through high school. She was a dirty whore then and she’s still one now. She comes to the bar sometimes. Even had the audacity to make a pass at Joe JR before he got serious with Audrey.

However, I put on a smile and tell her how lovely it is to see her as she gets out of her car. She’s dressed in a barely there black slip of a dress made of sheer material. I can see her nipples. Ugh! She follows me inside having come here many times over the years.

I make a mad dash upstairs to get away from her and reapply my makeup in my old bathroom. I can hear her fawning over Ma, her voice is carrying through the vent as she asks if she can do anything to help. She goes on and on making a spectacle of herself. “I think it’s fate that Nate is back home, and I’m recently divorced. He always was so handsome. I bet he’s even more fine now,” she gushes. Ugh, no, she isn’t sinking her teeth back into my brother. Not on my watch. “He’s handsome like you are, Dad.” She did not just call my father dad, gah. He’s Big Joe to everyone, including her sluttastic-self.

I just know this whole night will end up being miserable. I almost wish I had asked Audrey to come. At least she’d keep Ma busy and unable to play matchmaker.

Unable to hide out upstairs any longer, I make my appearance as the rest of the guests arrive. Dad and my cousin Brian are setting up the last of the chairs and tables under the tent out back. My folks always go all out for a party. Brian waves at me. I feel so bad for him. Karen, his ex-wife left him while he was out of town receiving training for his job. I wish he could find a good girl to settle down with now that the divorce is final. I wonder if it would be weird if I tried to set him up with Audrey?

Felecia and Ma are going behind the guys with tablecloths and silverware.

“Nattie, start bringing out the centerpieces, they’re in the hall closet.”

I smile, but inside I am grumbling. It’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for someone who doesn’t even want to be here. The least Nate could do is put in an appearance and spend some time with the people who love him.

The smell of food is making my stomach turn as more dishes show up on the kitchen table to be carried outside to the buffet. Someone turns on the stereo and the top 40 blares through the speakers over the chatter.

Like the good daughter I am, I start dragging the box of battery-operated candles and flower arrangements out the back door, when a hand on my back stops me dead in my tracks.

“Need a hand, Bunny?” Trey. I freeze. I’ve not seen him in a year. Why is he here? Why now? He sure as shit didn’t show when we buried my brother, one of his supposed best friends. “You going to spend the evening staring at your toes, or are you gonna let me help,” he says with a shit eating grin. I can’t see his face, but I know it’s plastered on his smug face.

“Have at it.” I back away not bothering to look at him. If I do, I will be a goner. Trey has the most hypnotic grey eyes I’ve ever seen. Not to mention the rest of him that is just as pretty. Yeah, he’s pretty. The man is perfection. He’s dessert after Sunday dinner. He’s an asshole too.

Since I was a little girl all I wanted was to be with him. I crushed on him so hard, he was Nate’s buddy too, they even enlisted together. I saved myself for him and one weekend when he was home on leave he got what he wanted from me then he vanished. It was the best night of sex I’ve ever had. No one has been able to measure up to him. I’ve compared every man I’ve slept with since to him.

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong to make him flake out on me completely after he said he loved me, that he had always loved me.

Whenever I would bring his name up to Joe JR, he’d get this weird look on his face and change the subject, like something smelled bad.

Audrey said they had stopped speaking, Joe and Trey, but she claimed not to know why. I never knew if it had anything to do with me.

I follow Trey outside to the tent, I still have to help Ma, she’ll have my ass if I don’t. And speaking of asses if Trey’s don’t look damn good in those dark jeans he’s wearing.  I recall how fine it looks out of them too. I remember digging my nails into his tight cheeks briefly. His blond hair curls around his ears, needing a trim. I want to run my fingers through his messy hair, and then down to his neck to choke him.

For not calling.

For not writing.

For not saying anything at all.

“Trey Darlington,” Ma yells at him as he sits the box down. “Get over here and give me a hug. It’s been way too long.”

“Hey, Ma. I’m so sorry about Joe, I wanted to be here.”

“I know you did.” She pats his back.

Huh, so Trey can keep my mom up to date with his whereabouts but not me. Jerk.

I do my best to ignore his eyes traveling over me as I set out the candles and flip them on, adding the flowers accent them as they glow.

“You okay there, Bunny? You seem to be pissed at those flowers.”

Grr. Why is he talking to me again? And why is he calling me Bunny? He lost the rights to that nickname when he fucked me and left me without a word. Was it that horrible? Was I imagining the off the walls chemistry we shared? I must have been, but damn if my cheeks don’t turn red remembering the way he touched me.

He shoved me against the wall and ripped my shirt open. My buttons popped off and rolled across the floor. His mouth was on my neck, his tongue tracing a delicious pattern down to my breasts.

I shake my head. I don’t need to remember. I’d be better off if I could forget all about Trey Darlington, and the power his touch holds over me.

“I’m great. Never been better, you? Oh, it’s been what? A year since we’ve spoke. But you weren’t much on chit chat last time I saw you,” I spit my words at him in an angry whisper.

The ghost of his hands travels my waist and unbuttons my pants as his kisses are peppered across my stomach. Images of him pulling my pants down as I pulled his hair dance in my mind on replay.

“Can we talk. Later? I know I screwed up with you.” He’s making an effort, but it’s too little too late.

However, my heart and my mouth are in disagreement with my head when I say, “Sure, I’d like that, Trey.” And dear God, I just have to bat my lashes. I might as well rub up against him and shove my tits in his face too.

“Good.” He grins, dazzling me with his charming smile.

I’m saved from choking on more of my words by the arrival of Nate. About damn time too.

Chapter 10

Nate

Parking my bike in the garage after weaving through the cars, I can hear the chatter and laughter cutting through the music. As much as I hate shit like this, I know Ma and the old man are enjoying it. They love a full house. Ma always said she would never have a quiet house. She just knew her three kids were going to give her tons of grandkids. Well, I am sure Joe JR would have, and there is still hope for Natalie. I’m too fucked up to be a dad. Thinking about kids makes my palms sweaty and my head hurt.

I sneak into the kitchen while everyone is gathering outside and take one of my pills. I know a few people that are here, but the crowd of people waiting to see me makes me anxious. At the bar, I was able to hang back, doing my own thing, and no one bothered me, other than Audrey. I know as soon as I step outside, I will be bombarded with hugs, well wishes, and questions about overseas. Not to mention condolences for my brother. I don’t need their apologies. It’s done and over with.

He’s dead and gone, and life must go on without him. I try to ignore his tombstone staring at me from the other end of the lawn as I walk out to the tent where everyone is taking their seats. Aunts, Uncles, cousins, friends—exes.

Why is Felecia here? Shit, I wasn’t prepared for this. Her nasally laugh echoes through the trees as she slinks her way over to where I stand. Of course she’s the first to notice me.

“Oh my God! Look at you all manly and beefed up. The Army did your body good.” She bites her bottom lip and winks as she squeezes my arm. My dick shrivels at the sight of her. She always did try too hard. I can see her nipples broad as day. I know Ma is behind this, I just don’t understand why.

I liked Felecia well enough when we dated, but I’m not looking to pick up where we left off. I take a step back as she circles me like her prey.

“You haven’t changed a bit,” I say attempting to be polite.

“This old thing, I just threw it on right quick. I couldn’t wait to get over here and see everyone. I ran into your Ma at the grocery store, and when she told me you were home, I knew I just had to see you for myself.”

I roll my eyes. It all makes perfect sense. She invited herself. Figures.

“Well good to see ya.” I step past her and make for my Uncle Sid. He can’t hear, and he loves to drink beer, making the perfect companion.

My dad joins us at the far end of the tent. “That there’s a sure thing. Thought maybe you’d be happy to see her.” He stares past me to Felecia as she makes an ass out of herself.

I don’t know what she was expecting to get out of showing up here, but I want no part of her.

“Not interested.” No not in the least. A certain woman who shouldn’t be on my mind is taking up way too much space in my head. I can’t get her voice out of my head. I can’t believe Audrey is that girl, from three years ago. Funny I met her first, and she doesn’t know it. I wonder if Joe would find that ironic.

Ma’s eyes find me, and she smiles so proud that it makes me feel like shit for not wanting to be here. She clinks a fork against a glass to capture everyone’s undivided attention. Her dark eyes roam around the tent so proud of the turnout.

“I just want to say a few words and then we can all eat. The past few months have been terrible. I wouldn’t wish losing a son on anyone, but today my other son has come home. While we still miss my Joe JR, God love him, I am so happy to have Nate home with us.”

“Here, here,” rings out around the party.

“Now let’s eat,” Dad yells with a pat to my back. I join Natalie on the serving side of the buffet to help out, and to avoid Felecia and her barbed tentacles.

My sis takes care of the sides and I pour drinks. Everyone keeps telling me how great it is to see me, and for Ma’s sake I nod while grinning and bearing all the unwanted attention.

After everyone has their plates Natalie and I fill ours, taking our places at our parent’s table. Thankfully, Felecia is sitting elsewhere. Looks like Trey is stuck with her. I didn’t even realize he was home. I lost track of him after I landed in Afghanistan.

His gaze is deadlocked with my sister. Interesting. I wonder what I missed there. He better not of dicked around and broke her heart. I’ll kick his ass. I know the two of them were always crushing on each other. They just thought the rest of us had never noticed.

“So…what’s with the kill Trey vibe you’re sending out?” I ask before shoving Ma’s pasta salad in my mouth.

“It isn’t important,” she mumbles.

“Did he hurt you, say something, what?”

“Easy, killer. Nothing I can’t handle. By the way, Audrey tells me you’re an asshole. Want to tell me why you went all fuckwad on her today?”

Ma hears her mention Audrey’s name and has to stick her nose in our conversation. “What about Audrey? Did you meet her? Poor girl.”

“No,” I answer my nosy sister first, then my even nosier mother. “Yeah. Ma. She’s a good girl,” I lie. I mean not that she’s a horrible person, but in Ma’s eyes she is probably the daughter of the devil himself. No one was ever good enough for her Joe JR. Growing up it was always “look what Joe did, he’s so wonderful.” I was always in his shadow.  Not that I ever minded. I knew my role as the bad seed and played my part all too well.

She accepts what I say and goes back to eating. Conversation ebbs and flows from one topic to the next, but somehow it always circles back to me, and what my plans are.

“When things pick up with the business, the two of you should buy Audrey’s share or let me buy it. I still can’t believe Joe did that,” Lewis says.

Dad shakes his head in disagreement and speaks up. “I thought so too at first but the more I’ve thought about it I’ve come to realize that he loved her and wanted to take care of her. Nothing wrong with that. She’s pretty and she’s smart. We should set her up with Brian or you could always step up and marry her, Nate. It’d be the right thing to do. It’d keep the business in the family, and it would keep your brother’s wishes intact.”

I’m about ready to tell him he needs cut off the beer when Ma starts adding her thoughts. “You know it wasn’t that I never liked Audrey. I just felt she wasn’t right for Joe JR, but her and Nate...” She points her fork at Dad. “I think you are on to something there. They would be well suited. Both have spunk and the babies. They’d have gorgeous babies. I do so want grandbabies to spoil rotten” She’s had way too much wine. It’s the only explanation. She’s talking about me as if I’m not even here. “It’s not like your sister is going to settle down any time soon,” she complains to my sister’s ignorance.

I’m gaping at my family as they talk about my love life, and future children I don’t plan on fathering. Have they all been hitting the bottle? They’re all crazy. Except for Nattie. I think she is as lost as I am in this conversation.

I look over at her for support, and she is staring holes through Trey. She must not even be listening to this bullshit.

I’m speechless. I don’t even know what to say. Wouldn’t matter if I did though. They have moved on to talking about knocking down the wall between the two apartments and making a large one for the babies I am apparently going to make with my dead brother’s girl. Perfect.

Their delusional warped fantasy conversation pauses when Felecia slithers up to my side and wedges herself between the table and me, as she partially sits on my lap.

Ma raises a brow. Oh, now she doesn’t like Felecia again now that she’s on team grandbaby with Audrey. The woman is unbelievable. She let her invite herself here. I don’t even know what to say.

I shouldn’t encourage Felecia, but I rest my chin on her shoulder to get on Ma’s nerves, landing me the “I’ll smack the back of ya head” face.

“Where’s Audrey, I thought you were bringing her?” Ma questions looking at me. I grimace at Lewis and he throws his hands up laughing, having given up entirely. Great. I’m on my own apparently.

Natalie pipes in to my bewilderment and says, “She stayed at the bar to run things.” Now she wants to help me out. She’s sat here through the rest of the conversation nodding in agreement, avoiding my pleading eyes desperate for help.

Is she crazy too? She can’t really think they have a point about Audrey.

“Nonsense. You should have closed early,” Ma continues and Dad grunts in agreement.

“Audrey as in Joe’s Audrey?” Felecia looks to me with a puzzled expression.

“Yeah, apparently she’s having my baby,” I joke with a soft chuckle. I might as well get some enjoyment out of this nightmare.

“Are you serious?” Felecia looks appalled. “Didn’t you just get back in town?”

“Dead serious,” Natalie pipes in again, getting in on my joke. She’s never cared for Felecia.

“I had no idea. I better be going. It was good seeing you all. Thanks for dinner.” She rises quickly and leaves.

“Bye, Felecia,” Nattie calls after her giggling.

I shake my head and excuse myself from the table needing a breather from my crazy ass family.

Trey comes over to me as I am getting dessert, and volunteers to run some boxes over to the apartment for me since he drove his truck over.

“What’s up with you and my sister? She looks ready to either pounce and screw you or smack the shit out of you.”

“I fucked up, and before you beat my ass—I’m going to make it right.”

“You better,” I warn nudging his shoulder as I carry my plate of cookies and pie back to the table. I’m not getting in the middle of whatever is going on between them, but if he hurts my sister, we’ll have a major problem.

Thankfully, when I sit down my folks are discussing the new shopping plaza that is being built. I eat my sugary goodness in peace until I am ready to burst.

“Well this has been great, Ma. Food was stellar. If you’re done planning my future, I’m going to turn in early, it’s been a long day.” I kiss her cheek and go inside to my old room with a couple of beers to try to forget the future my family has envisioned, because I can see it in my head. Audrey and her stomach round with a child of mine, not Joe JR’s. I keep thinking back to the night I met her and wondering what if.

What if I had stayed the night?

What if I had given her my number?

She might have waited for me and already been mine right now.

What if I want her to be mine?

What if I did pursue Audrey?

Would it be out of line?

Would it be wrong of me to step into Joe Jr’s shoes and honor his memory and take care of the woman he loved so much?

I’m a terrible person and an even shittier brother for even considering entertaining the thoughts.

I can’t help it though. Part of me wants to be the good son for once. The guy who gets the girl too.

Maybe it won’t be with Audrey, but I do want that picture Ma painted more than I thought.

Chapter 11

Natalie

My brother left me on my own to clean up. Figures. He was never one for cleaning up messes. Everyone has finally cleared out except for Trey. He’s lingering in the living room talking to my dad. I shake my head, continuing with rinsing the plates, and shoving them into the dishwasher. Ma had to use the good china, unlike normal people who use paper or Styrofoam plates when they host a big outdoor party.

I hear my parents laughing, but I can’t hear what they are chatting about with Trey. I don’t know why I care. Trey made my place in his life known loud and clear with his actions, or lack of I should say.

“Thanks for staying and cleaning up, baby.” Ma kisses my temple and squeezes my shoulders.

“Of course,” I say with a yawn, feeling emotionally exhausted. If I don’t do it who will? I know she’s tired too.

“I’m turning in. You and Trey can get the tables and chairs folded. He said he’s glad to help out.”

Oh perfect.

“You staying over or going home after?”

“I’m going home. I open tomorrow,” I lie. I am ready to be away from Trey. He’s in the next room and his presence is smothering me.

Dad and Trey join us as Ma rattles on about leaving the pots for tomorrow.

“Nate and I can do the tables and chairs in the morning, don’t worry about them. You still have a key to Nate’s apartment, don’t you? Trey is going to run some of the boxes from the garage over for us while he’s here with his truck.”

I nod as I put the last plate in. Dad kisses me goodnight, then him and Ma make their way upstairs leaving me on my own with Trey, and those damn grey eyes. He takes a step toward me. “Bunny, I know sorry doesn’t begin to cover my taking off like I did, but...”

“Where were you?” I smack his chest.

“My deployment got moved up and I had to go. I didn’t have a choice, baby.” He steps into me and pulls me close. My eyes bug out as he leans in close to me. What’s he doing? Is he going to kiss me? “Natalie, I love you. I’ve always loved you. But I got scared. I didn’t think it was fair to ask you to wait for me. What if I didn’t come home? In my mind it was the right thing to cut off contact. I couldn’t put you through the worry. I made a lot of mistakes, but my biggest one was running away from my feelings for you. I will never be good enough for you, but I am asking for a chance to try.”

I can’t help it when I look into those eyes that hold my soul, I get angry. He has some damn nerve. I smack him and start to cry. He grips my waist, clinging to my hips. “Please. Bunny, I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. I can’t do this with him right now. He has some damn nerve.

“When did you come home?” I ask wondering if he’s been home longer than he has led me to believe.

“I was in Germany for a while.” He swallows hard. “But I came home a few months ago after my divorce,” he confesses. He was married? What the serious fuck? No one ever thought to tell me this shit? I can feel angry vibrations starting to rattle through my body. “I took a new job in Monroe at a new mechanic shop. I had to get myself together for my son. He needed a father and I had to do what was needed to be there for him.”

I try to pull away. Not wanting to hear anymore. Trey not only got married to someone they had a child together. I feel sick. Hurt. Betrayed.

“Please, listen to me.  I was dumb. I met Yvonne in Germany. She was an American studying abroad. I was lonely over there and there she was at the time. I was caught up in the moment, having fun and made a mistake. She contacted me six months later and told me she was pregnant. I did what I thought was the right thing. I found out the morning after we slept together. I was so confused. I didn’t want to hurt you, but…I did. I was scared. I called Joe JR and he told me to do the right thing. You deserved a good man, not some guy with nothing to offer but a kid on the way. It was Joe JR that made me see sense. He knew how I felt about you and he wouldn’t give me his blessing, until I got my shit straight. He made me promise I wouldn’t contact you until I was ready to give you the world. I fucked up but I’m here to right my wrongs, Nattie.”

“You could have told me about the baby,” I tell him softening a tad. “I would have been there for you.”

“I was scared to hurt you with the truth. I tried so hard to make shit work with Yvonne for our son, but we weren’t compatible. Will you give me a chance, Bunny?”

I suck in a deep breath. Is he really asking me this right now? “Trey, you show up after years of no contact expecting me to just give you everything like you didn’t ghost me? Like you didn’t believe in me. You didn’t even give me a fair chance. You took the choice away from me. What if I’m with someone?” I’m not but he doesn’t know that.

“You’re not,” he says firmly.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Because, you’re mine. You’ve been mine since we were seven years old, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

He’s looking at me full of assurance.

“Say yes already!” Ma calls from the stairway. Her and Dad are watching with tears in their eyes. They knew. I can’t even be upset that they are spying. It’s not like they can help themselves. They love to meddle.

“Whatta ya say, Bunny. Are you gonna be my girl?” The way Trey is looking at me with such hope makes it hard to gaze into his eyes and tell him no.

“I don’t know, Trey.” I shake my head. “I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how do I know you won’t run on me again?’

“You don’t. All I am asking for is a real shot.”

My head is screaming no, but my heart is yelling yes.

“Okay. I have questions.”

“I’ve got answers.” He grins.

“Trey. I’m not making any promises.”

“I accept that.”

Ma and Dad offer congratulations and hug us both before going upstairs for real. I’ll break their hearts later, once Trey tries to break my heart all over again. I don’t have faith in him. Not after the stunt he pulled.

I look down at our entwined fingers knowing he isn’t promising forever. He only wants a chance to see if there is something still between us. I know I should tell him all the reasons we will never work right now, but when he’s looking at me like that, I can scarcely breathe.

“Where do we go from here?” I ask unsure of what the future holds once we step out of my parent’s kitchen.

“To drop those boxes off, then hopefully you’ll let me sleep next you tonight, and hold you in my arms, after I make up for leaving you last time.”

“I can try,” I whisper, hoping like hell I can be strong enough to let him go.

I’m terrified to put myself out on a limb for him. But I am even more scared of the regret I will feel if I don’t see this night through at least.

**

The moment we enter Nate’s apartment Trey drops the boxes and goes straight for the kill.

His mouth is on mine, fiery and all consuming. I have never been able to resist him. Not even when he would piss me off when we were kids. He gave me the nickname Bunny one summer when I gave myself a haircut and my pigtails would stand straight up. He said they looked like rabbit ears and started calling me Bunny. I used to cry at first when he’d call me that but as we grew older it became a term of endearment.

“Trey…” I pull back, but he doesn’t let up. The man is relentless.

“I told you, Nattie. I came back this time for you. I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m not walking away. You can fight me. Fight this pull between us, but I will keep coming back.” He nips at my bottom lip with his teeth and my knees nearly buckle.

His hand slides up the back of my shirt, searing me with his heated touch.

I don’t want to fight this. I want to give in and be with him if only for tonight and come morning I want to do to him what he did to me. I want to vanish. I want to give him a taste of his own medicine. I want him to sit and wonder. I want to punish him. I know it sounds childish, but I feel like it would make me feel a hell of a lot better. What Trey doesn’t know. What no one knows is when we made love that first and only time, I got pregnant too. The pregnancy was a tubal. I lied and told my parents I had the stomach flu and a bad period. They believed my lie. All I wanted was for Trey to be there. For him to hold me and tell me everything was gonna be all right even if it wasn’t. I’ve always wondered what could have been had I been able to carry our child. I never got the chance to tell him and now I doubt I ever will.

“Stop overthinking it. We’ve always been good together.” He comes in for another kiss and I am a goner. I’m consumed and fueled by passion.

As though we haven’t spent years apart.

Chapter 12

Audrey

Nate’s been moving his things in next door for the past two weeks. I’ve been trying not to ogle him through the peephole as he walks past my door, but I can’t help but steal glances at him.

He makes me feel not so alone

He makes me feel whole again.

I know he isn’t a replacement, and it isn’t healthy, but watching Nate is like a damn drug. I can’t get enough. I am like a fucking addict craving just a glimpse of him. I mean yeah, he resembles Joey, but I know they aren’t the same person. Maybe I am just lonely and seriously fucked in the head, but I look forward to seeing Nate.

He has been keeping his distance, and we haven’t worked the same shift at the bar not once. I know we can’t avoid each other forever, but for now it’s working. At least it had been until Nattie changed our plans.

She sprung her vacation on me a few days ago. She says she needs some time away. Time to clear her head. I guess Trey, a guy she has pined for her whole life showed up and rocked her world off axis. He has a kid and an ex-wife. It sounds like a bunch of drama and I can’t blame her for wanting to check out of reality. God knows I checked out the day Joey was taken away from me.

I understand where Natalie is coming from, but at the same time it’s hard to see her giving up what I was supposed to have with Joey. Trey wants to go all in and for them to be a family together.

The poor guy has all but moved into the bar to drown his sorrows. He is so upset over my bestie shooting him down. I have tried talking to her about it, but she shuts me down every time. It stings but I guess I deserve it after freezing her out like I did when I was grieving.

She left this morning and Trey took off after she did. I can’t be mad. I know she needs to do this.

The timing sucks, but I would never dream of telling her no. She’s been so good to me through all of my shit and held my hand through it all. Even when I didn’t deserve her friendship, she was there for me. She’s never let me down, and I can suffer a week with Nate for her sake if it will make her happy.

She is going on a cruise to the Bahamas. I’m totally jealous. While she is on the beach sipping fruity cocktails, I’ll be here with my dead boyfriend’s brother.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t such an asshole. Sure, he is sexy to look at and intriguing at times, but he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me.

I mean, why shouldn’t we be friends? I do own part of his business.

I can hear him now banging against the wall. I hope he hasn’t brought his mystery woman home with him for another round.

I turn my movie up louder and snuggle deeper in my blanket, trying to get comfortable.

A few minutes late someone is pounding on my door. Ugh, its early Sunday morning, and I haven’t slept, after singing last night and talking with his sister about her travel plans and her love life. When I tried to get some rest all I could do was think of Joey and what we will never experience together. We never got to take a vacation together. The closest we ever got was when he took me to dinner, and a hotel for the night on our anniversary. Not that I am complaining. He was so romantic, I thought that maybe he was going to propose to me, but he didn’t.

Even without a proposal, it was the perfect date. We ate steak and shrimp by candlelight. We had the whole back dining room to ourselves. I may have gone down on Joey from under the table too.

I pretended to drop my napkin and slid under the tablecloth. When I came back up, I was between his legs.

We had such a good time.

Inching my fingers up his thighs I make my way to his zipper.

“Audrey, what are you doing?” His voice is shaky. I know getting it on in public makes him nervous.

“I’m ready for dessert,” I whisper, eager to touch and taste him.

“You can’t mean to be doing that here.”

I don’t answer. I finish what I started and continue rubbing over the bulge in his boxer briefs. He groans in response and slides down in the seat giving me a better angle to work with. Growing more erect under my touch. My man is no longer protesting, instead he’s enjoying what I’m offering.

“Fuck, Audrey,” he hisses under his breath as my tongue licks him from base to tip with his thick cock fully exposed now.

Pre-cum beads on the head of his dick. I lick it up and suck him between my lips, eager to get him off. I know it turns him on when I swallow.

The pounding grows louder, and more urgent, breaking me from my memories. “What?” I scream as I make for the door.

I throw the door open and come face to face with Nate. A very shirtless Nate. Sweat is trickling down his chest, rolling straight down the delicious V that disappears beneath the waist of his basketball shorts. God he looks all sexy and brooding.

“Think you can turn that shit down?”

“Think you can stop being so Goddamn loud?” I spit back.

“You gotta mouth on ya. Like a little firecracker ready to shoot off and all you need is a spark.” He steps into me, too close, smelling too damn good. All manly with a hint of sweat. “Can. You. Turn. Down. The. Volume?” he enunciates the question slowly and his breath is tickling my nose.

I look up at him, our mouths are so close. “If you keep it down so will I, but I like it loud.” I smirk, hinting at his performance from his first night back.

He winks, and I melt a little at this playful side of him. “I’ll keep that in mind.” His voice is husky, sexy. Then he flicks my forehead hard with his fingers and stomps the few feet back to his place.

I inhale sharply, frozen in place, shaken by how he made me feel being so in my face. I don’t move until he bangs on the wall screaming for me to turn the TV down.

Part of me wants to turn it up louder just to spite him, and make him come back, but I don’t. I turn the volume down and curl up in bed, hugging Joey’s pillow.

The next few days at the bar don’t go much better. I’m on day two of working next to Nate. It’s a slow day and he already sent Sasha and Freddie home. Said he’d call them back in if things picked up tonight. Lewis already scheduled the day off for a dentist appointment.

A baseball game plays on the big screen behind the bar, and I want to poke my eyes out. I’m not into sports. Every time I change the channel the asshole turns it back.

I swear he does it just to piss me off and it’s working. I think he is trying to annoy me until I give in and take the day off too.

He doesn’t realize I don’t like to lose. I never give in. I always got my way with Joey, and I got used to getting what I want.

“Can we at least compromise?” I ask as he wipes invisible spots from the shot glasses for what seems like the ninth time.

“Nope,” he answers quickly.

Okay then, I guess I will drive him nuts by singing ABBA. I go behind the bar, and I toss back a Jager Bomb for luck and make my way to the stage. The man is driving me to drinking again. Dancing Queen blares through the speakers. I can see Nate clenching his jaws as he busies himself with sweeping the clean floor. It only makes me sing louder.

I’m on my third rendition of the song when he snaps, unplugging the sound system from the outlets.

“Enough with the noise. What do you want to watch?”

I grin at him. I knew I would break him. Flicking the tip of his nose I tell him, “The Romance Channel is showing some great movies. They’re having a Nicholas Sparks marathon.”

His mouth curves down as he frowns, rubbing his nose. “Are you trying to kill me. I don’t watch that sappy shit.”

“You do now,” I gloat changing the channel.

“Let’s at least make it interesting. For every main character that dies, we do a shot.”

“You’re on big shot.” I saunter behind the bar and start pouring.

We are only two movies into marathon as the rain pours outside the bar. I am feeling slightly buzzed and I think Nate is too.

Noah and Allie are dancing in the street on the screen.

I let out a sigh and Nate says, “What? Why do you have that dreamy look in your eyes?”

“Isn’t that so romantic. I’ve always wanted to be spontaneous like that.”

“Come on.” Nate grabs my hand.

“Where are going?” I question, perplexed as he leads me to the door.

He arches a brow and points at the empty bar. “It isn’t like anyone will miss us.”

I still don’t know what we are doing but I follow him out onto the outside patio into the rain.

I look to Nate as he pulls me to him and starts swaying to the sound of the rain as it beats down on the pavement. “Have you lost your mind?”

“I never claimed to have had it to start with.” He laughs as the rain continues to fall and I lay my head on his shoulder and do my best not enjoy the moment he is giving me. I try not to think about Joey right now but it’s hard. This is the sort of thing he would have done for me.

God do I miss him, but if I am being honest. Nate is taking up a lot more space in my head these days. It makes me feel like a shit person, but Joey isn’t here.

Chapter 13

Nate

Motherfucker. Audrey is making me crazy. I don’t know how much longer I can take seeing her face, and hearing her voice every morning and night, while she sings her way through her apartment, and into the shower.

I’ve been beating off to the sound of her voice every morning while taking my shower. Not to mention the fact that my sister took off to the Bahamas, leaving me alone with Audrey on the days Lewis has scheduled off. I can’t escape her or my growing attraction to her.

After four days, the sexual tension between us is at an all-time high along with my anxiety. I’ve had to have my dosage upped on my medication to cope. I’m drinking more than I’d like and so is Audrey.

I don’t know what came over me when I asked her to go to the fair. Lewis is closing tonight so I thought we could both use some time away from the bar. A little fun and a chance to cut loose.

I’m waiting out back by my motorcycle when I see Audrey walking toward me.

She’s breathtaking in her dark skinny jeans and graphic tee. My lips immediately tug into a smile. “You ever been on a motorcycle?” I question, noting her nervous expression as teeth graze over her bottom lip.

She shakes her head. “No.” I explain to her how to get off and on first. Telling her where to put her feet on the pegs and how she should sit, keeping her arms secure around my waist and not lean when I take a curve or corner.

I go over the directions with her twice just to be sure she gets it. I’ve been riding my bike since I got back, but I haven’t ridden with a passenger since before I left for the Army.

When I hand her a helmet she scrunches her nose.  “That will totally flatten my hair,” she whines.

“Better your hair to be flat than banging your head on the pavement if something were to go wrong.”

“True. Very true.” I get on first and tell her to use my shoulder for balance if she can’t get her leg over.

Once Audrey is on with her arms snug around my waist I set off on the short drive to the fairgrounds.

She does good for a new rider. I only have to remind her not to lean once.

We arrive at the fair and I pay for our tickets and parking.

I’m tempted to take her hand in mine, but don’t want to make her feel awkward as we stroll through food vendors making our way past the games to the rides.

“What first? Ladies’ choice,” I tell her.

“Do you promise not to laugh if I tell you something?”

“Of course,” I answer, knowing it’s a promise I can’t keep.

“I’ve never been on a ride before?”

“Never? Not even a carousel?”

“Nope.”

“Ferris Wheel?”

She shakes her head and I take her hand in mine, liking all too much the way it feels. “We’re gonna have to do something about that. Are you scared of heights?”

“Kinda.”

I am tempted to take her straight to the Ferris Wheel, so she’ll hopefully stay closer to me, but I don’t. “We’ll do the bumper cars first.”

“I’m a terrible driver,” she confesses.

I chuckle, and we get in line.

Audrey wasn’t kidding. She can’t drive for shit but the smile she wears while she keeps getting hit from all sides says she is taking it all in stride. I attempted to come to her aide a few times, but those middle school aged kids were brutal. I think it was their way of flirting with her and I can’t say that I blame them.

“I think you have a fan club,” I tell her as I help her from her car, nodding my head toward the group of giggling boys starting at us.

“Doubtful They are probably buzzing about my terrible driving skills.”

I want to tell her it is because she is so beautiful but refrain.

We make our rounds, riding the spider, the tilter whirl, and finally the Ferris Wheel.

“I don’t know if I can do this. That looks really high.” She stares up as the wheel rotates as people get off and new ones get on. “Will we be stopped up top like that?” Her face looks a little green.

“Possibly, but I’ll protect you.” I wink, and she blushes.

It’s our turn to get on and Audrey grabs my hand in her shaky clammy one. “Hey, we don’t have to if you’re scared,” I tell her in all seriousness.

She lets out a deep breath. “No, I want to.”

We sit on the bucket seats and Audre clings to me when we move forward, and our bucket starts to rock.

“Should it be moving like this?” She stares deep into my eyes and I wonder what she’d do if I kissed her? I can feel her breath on my neck as she leans into me. I hug her body closer to mine as we make our way back and around as the rest of the seats are filled.

We are stopped at the top looking out over the fair. All the lights and the noise would normally bother me but focusing on Audrey is keeping me in control.

“Wow.” She breathes the word out softly. “This is kinda incredible, isn’t it?” The wonderment of a child shines in her eyes and I am mesmerized by only her in this moment.

I tilt her chin in my direction, staring deeply in her eyes. “Thank you…for this.”

“No thanks needed.”

“It’s just I feel sorta weird.” Audrey turns away and the ride starts up. “For the first time since everything that happened, I’ve been able to get my mind off it and we are having such a good time…I feel…”

“Guilty,” I finish for her.

“Yeah,” she replies and the moment between us is lost.

“You ever had a funnel cake?” I ask once the ride is over.

“No.”

“Come on. You haven’t truly experienced the fair until you’ve eaten one and won a stuffed animal.”

We continue the night laughing, eating junk food, and playing games. I won her a fish in a bowl but being on my bike we have no way of getting it home. There’s a young girl trying desperately to win one for her little brother and I can’t help but grin when Audrey gives them ours.

“You have to promise me, you’ll take care of him,” she tells the pair going into a spiel about the proper care. One day she will make a great mother.

All the talk my family put into my head about Audrey keeps creeping its way in, worming a hole in my heart that can only be filled by her.

I shouldn’t want her, but I do.

The ride home is quiet, and I wish I knew what she is thinking.

A full day has passed. Audrey has felt cold and distant. She’s avoiding me. Maybe the fair was too much too soon. I’m trying to give her space. I know she is still grieving my brother. God knows I would give anything to bring him back. I’d gladly take his place but there is a part of me, a very selfish part of me that wants to keep Audrey for myself.

I’ve never really had anyone good. Audrey doesn’t see it yet, but maybe she could be my good.

We’re closing together, and she’s had a few shots too many. All of our customers have taken off, including our staff.

I’m wiping down the counter when I see her take to the stage. She’s stumbling, and her makeup is smeared.

Thunder rumbles making her jump. The lights flicker, and she starts to sing, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks.

I can’t help but chuckle, not only at her choice of song, but also at the way she prances around the stage as though she were giving the performance of a lifetime.

She continues to belt out the lyrics, ignoring my presence completely as I turn the chairs up over the tables.

I go through the kitchen after making sure the backdoor is locked, and I turn down the lights.

When I get back out front, Audrey is behind the bar downing another shot. “One for the road.” She holds the glass up in my direction and I shake my head. Under different circumstances, I could easily see myself being able to fall hard for her. Only whenever I think about a future with her, I am reminded of Joe JR and that she was his girl not mine.

I grab tonight’s deposits to put them in the safe. “If you want to go upstairs, I can handle locking the door,” I offer knowing she needs to get in bed. She’s turned off the sound system and most of the lights. I’m not strong enough to get her upstairs to her bed and leave without touching her a second time. She nods, and I go to the office to finish up.

After dropping the money in the safe, I grab my keys from the desk and make for the bar. One more beer won’t hurt, and it gives me an excuse to stay down here, instead of upstairs where Audrey is.

The rain starts to pour, and lightning is crackling in the sky. Looks like I’ll be here a bit longer.

I toss my empty bottle in the trash and play some darts alone in the dark with the storm to keep me company. It isn’t long before fantasies of what could have been had I chose to follow Audrey upstairs take over my thoughts.

I would wrap my fingers up in her long thick hair, getting a fistful, pulling her head back, and giving her a heated kiss. She’d moan and lean into me as I strip her body bare of any clothes. Her breasts would spill out of her white lace bra, her nipples hard, eager to be teased by my mouth and fingers.

My cock grows harder the more I imagine touching her, claiming her for my own. I don’t know why I am torturing myself. She doesn’t want me, but the man she cries for is dead and gone.

I put the darts away and lock the door since the rain is coming down lighter now. Time to go upstairs and jerk off while I think about a woman I shouldn’t crave.

Chapter 14

Audrey

I’ve been sitting the breakfast bar eating toast to chase away the small buzz I had from earlier. It’s late and I’m thinking of things I should leave alone.

The steady pelts of rain against my windowsill are the only comfort I seek. Joey loved the rain, almost as much as he loved me. Now that he’s gone, the rain is the only thing that brings me peace. Slipping one of his old flannels over my camisole and panties I pad across the apartment stepping out on the covered balcony. The damp breeze blows my hair around my face. I take a seat in the wooden rocker, putting my knees up, and resting my chin on the tops. I feel stupid for thinking of Nate in a sexual manner. My fantasies are keeping me awake.

I sit and listen as the rain continues to fall. Seeking silence, seeking an escape from all that Joey and I shared. Some days I think I should just pack up and go, but then I catch a glimpse of my neighbor, Joey’s brother—Nate. When look at him…I feel like I can’t breathe. He makes me feel like I could live again. Like I could someday love again.

He looks so much like his brother, but they are nothing alike. Where Joey was calm and sweet, Nate is loud, cold, and at times rude. He’s a hard man, but for some reason I like knowing he’s next door. I like knowing that there is someone just as fucked up as me in this world.

I hear him screaming in his sleep and beating against the wall some nights. Natalie says he suffers from PTSD, from the war.

I don’t know much about combat, but I know a lot about demons stalking you at night, and keeping you awake.

I stare through the drizzle to the moon, wishing and hoping on a star for time to roll back to that morning so I could force Joey to stay in bed with me. Back to a time when life seemed perfect and easy. A time where things made sense. A time where I didn’t have dirty thoughts about my dead boyfriend’s brother.

Chilled to the bone, I move to go inside when I notice Nate leaning against our shared railing, staring at the moon, allowing the spray of rain wash over him. I wonder if he’s thinking of me too and wishing that he wasn’t.

I know I need to go in and give him some privacy, but my feet won’t budge. He’s standing in nothing but a pair of drawstring pajama pants that hang low on his hips. My gaze travels his body, taking in the massive phoenix tattoo that covers his back, I don’t stop checking him out until I reach his bare feet.

As if he feels the heat of my stare, he turns around facing me.

“Couldn’t sleep. I never can when it rains. I love the sound too much to let it be wasted.” He rakes his fingers through his hair, and a drop of water hits my exposed thigh sending a shiver down my spine.

Goosebumps fan across my skin as Nate takes in my disheveled appearance. My dark hair hangs wildly over my shoulders. My nipples are pressing hard against the thin material of my top and I hug Joey’s open shirt closing it around my waist, hiding what I can of my body. “The rain is peaceful,” I agree.

His brown eyes narrow on me and I feel flushed. “Goodnight, Audrey, enjoy the rain,” he says softly. His arm brushes against mine. A tear slips from the corner of my eye, and I don’t even know why.

“Nate…” his name comes out in a croak. “You stay,” I call out before he goes in. “Don’t leave on my account.” He pauses by the door. “You want a beer or something?”

“Yeah or something,” he whispers in a husky drawl that travels straight to my core.

I swallow and nod. Inside, I grab a pair of sweats, slipping them on quickly, while fetching two Coronas and some lime wedges I stole from downstairs.

Out on the deck, Nate is sitting in the other rocker. I take my seat back next to him, clinking our bottles together I say, “to the rain.”

He takes his drink and nods before tossing it back.

“So, tell me something about Joey, a secret between brothers. A story he would’ve never told me.”  I’m trying so hard to remind myself that this man is Joey’s brother and I shouldn’t be thinking what it’d be like to kiss him. We came close on that ride at the fair and it thrilled me. But it also made me feel like a lousy shit.

He sits quietly thinking back perhaps. He chuckles softly and says, “He ever tell you about the tattoo on the bottom of his big toe?”

“He told me it was a mole.” I grin faintly remembering first seeing it when I was rubbing his feet.

“And you bought that?” he shakes his head smiling briefly.

I take a sip of my beer, twirling the bottle between my fingers under the dim of the moon.

“He lost a bet. We were at a bar the night before I was leaving for boot camp. We had one drink too many. Joe bet me and Trey he could whistle and make the ghost train appear on the tracks. I told him no way and bet him he had to get a tattoo if he lost. I don’t know if you knew this or not, but my brother was terrified of needles.” His eyes lighten with happiness.

“No, he never told me that,” I confess.

“Anyway, we staggered our drunk asses to the tracks. Joe JR climbed up the lamppost halfway and started whistling. The train never showed of course, and well we ended up at the tattoo parlor on fifth street. He was green in the face. Said he wanted to get inked somewhere no one could see. He decided on the bottom of his big toe not knowing it’s one of the most painful spots he could’ve gone with.” Tears tease at the corners of his eyes, dancing around the creases. Nate’s lips lift into a semi-smile as he reflects on that night. “You could hear him across the river he screamed so loud, and all he was getting was a black circle.”

He continues to shake his head and laugh. I think it’s one of those you had to be there stories, but I smile and laugh along with him. His laugh is contagious. After the laughter dies down, the rain has stopped, and we are left with the silence of our own thoughts—pain, grief, desire. There are so many things I desire but I won’t confess that to him.

I glance over finding his eyes on my lips. I turn my head finishing my drink. “It’s getting late. Lewis will kill me if I am late opening on his day.”

When I stand Nate captures my hand. His thumb rubs over my knuckles and his touch affects me more than it should. “Stay just a little while longer. Even an asshole like me gets lonely.”

“Hey, I tend to fly off at the mouth when I’ve had too much liquor. I can be an asshole too,” I remind him that I haven’t been perfect either.

“Think nothing of it. We both know what you said was true. I was out of line, Audrey. I’m sorry.” He is apologizing for that day in the storage room.

His large hand is swallowing mine as he continues to grip it firmly. Sucking in a deep breath, I am afraid to stay, but even more afraid to go. Nate is finally opening up and it is nice to see this gentle side of him like at the fair.

“Can you forgive me,” he says low, sounding so much like Joey a few of the strings holding up my heart snap.

Biting back my tears I tell him, “There’s nothing to forgive. Joey was your brother and you don’t know me. I’m an outsider. I can only imagine the terrible things your Ma had to say about me.”

“Actually, she ripped my ass and told me to take it easy on you. She comes off mean, but she cares about you, Audrey. We all do. And as for not knowing you, I am making an effort.”

I roll my lips inwardly wishing I had my lip balm.

He lets go of my hand, but raises standing too close, smelling too good, sounding so much like Joey it hurts. Brushing my hair back, Nate says, “I can see why he loved you so much. You’re beautiful in here.” He touches my chest where my heart used to be.  This man’s eyes never waiver from mine. I count the seconds as they tick by, scared he will kiss me, scared that he won’t.

Would Joey damn us for this? For finding comfort in each other when we have both been so broken and lost.

I wish he could give me an answer. Show me a sign. I now I don’t need his approval, but I want it as much as I want to feel wanted again.

My heartbeat is in my throat as I wait for one of us to find the courage to make a move.

Chapter 15

Nate

Audrey is meeting my gaze and not backing down. I want to kiss her even if it’s wrong. She’s beautiful. I keep trying to push her away because I am so damn attracted to her its making me feel crazy. I shouldn’t want to make love to my brother’s woman, but he’s not here to stop me. The rain begins to pour down harder than before, blowing in on us as I throw all my reservations over the ledge, bringing my mouth down on hers.

At first she doesn’t move her lips. I grab her by the back of her head and kiss her again, her trembling hand brushes over my stomach. Her teeth graze my bottom lip as I push my tongue through the inviting part of her mouth. Her breath tastes of Corona and lime, mirroring mine.

She’s still hesitant, her fingers don’t seem to know where to go, so I show her, wrapping her arm around my waist as I continue to explore her mouth getting consumed by our kiss.

Her sweet tongue brushes against mine and she moans into my mouth. I go hard at the sound. Her fingers rub across my back in a blaze of fire as her lips move in sync with mine. Kissing Audrey is better than I’ve imagined. Her lips are so soft. So tempting. I can’t get enough. I want more so much more.

Audrey pulls back catching her breath. “Nate, that was...” she pauses to find her words.

I’m waiting for her to say that its wrong, to run away, but she doesn’t.

“Don’t fight it, Audrey. You want me, I want you.” I kiss her once more as the rain blows in on us. She steals my breath away and this time it’s me who has to pull back. Because right now I want to push her against the glass door and devour her.

“Joey,” she whispers his name as if it’s dirty and not meant to be spoken between us.

“He isn’t here, and he’d want you to be happy, even if it’s only when it rains.”

Her eyes crinkle as she tries to clear her head.

“It’s not that I don’t find you attractive, Nate. I do, but he’s still in my heart.” Tears trickle down her pale cheeks.

“He’s in mine too,” I tell her gently as I brush away her tears with my thumbs. “Come inside. We don’t have to do anything, I’m just not ready for the rain to stop.”

She doesn’t say a word but takes my outstretched hand. I lead her into my place. There’s no way I can go to her apartment and be face to face with my brother’s memory. I know he’d want Audrey to be happy, but despite what I told her, I’m really not sure how he would feel if it were with me.

Inside, she takes a seat on the couch. Her damp clothes are sticking to her, and I want nothing more than to peel them from her body, but I’m not sure how receptive she’ll be to the idea. Wanting Audrey is unexpected, I wasn’t seeking this connection out, but it’s happened. And for reasons the world may never understand, my mother seems to think we would be good for each other.

She’s called me a few times this week making sure Audrey and I were doing okay with the bar. She even had the nerve to tell me I should ask Audrey out on a date. So I did and it was nice. We had a good time.

Sitting next to her, I fight against the anxiety that is beginning to creep up on me and ruin this night. Audrey is nervous too. Bracing her shaking knee, I still her movements. She places her hand over mine. “I’m scared that when tomorrow comes, we’ll wake up with regrets. Blaming it on the alcohol or the full moon. Our shared love of the rain.”

“Everything won’t always go the way we plan. We have no control over life—fate. We can only live in the now, and right now I want nothing more than to feel you skin to skin, Audrey,” I admit. Fuck do I want her so Goddamn bad. I want her more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

She sucks in a deep breath hearing my confession. She might tell me to get fucked, but I couldn’t go another minute without telling her how I really feel. From the moment I saw her biting that damn strawberry, I’ve pictured her on her knees while taking my cock in her mouth.

“Tell me about your dreams, the demons that haunt you. Tell me everything bad you ever did. I’ll tell you mine and see how we still feel. Sex between us, I don’t doubt it’d be amazing, but if we can share the darkest pieces of ourselves, and still want to look at each other after, then and only then, will I give this,” she pauses pointing between us, “another thought.”

I try to pull away, but she holds my hand firmly. “It’s easy to run away, but it’s a hell of a lot harder to stay when shit gets tough, Nate.”

She doesn’t waste any time getting into the heavy.

“You’re right. I dream about gruesome shit, Audrey. Some things I only witnessed while others I was responsible for. I have a lot of regrets.” I think of all the deaths I was part of, and my breathing nearly ceases, but Audrey’s presence keeps me on solid ground.

“Like what?” She squeezes my hand.

I don’t want to talk about combat, so I focus on her, and what I have wanted to tell her since I remembered how we met. “Three years ago, before I joined the Army, I was at a bar, Dusty Rose’s. I would go there and listen to a beautiful woman sing. I met this brown-haired girl, with gorgeous green eyes one night. She was hella drunk. Couldn’t hold her head up. I took her to her motel room and got her to bed. I left never knowing her name, until recently. I regret not asking for your name and your number, because I met you first, and life might have turned out different if I hadn’t walked away.”

“Nate…I don’t know what to say.” She touches her swollen lips.

“That’s okay because I do.” I turn her face towards mine. Her eyes are sparkling with unshed tears. “I know you loved my brother and he loved you, but everything happens for a reason. Every choice, every word. They all mean something and set off the events that shape our lives. I would give anything to bring Joe JR back. I’d give anything to go back and make you mine first when I had the chance. Maybe you were meant to be with Joe, but maybe you were meant to be with me too. I don’t know if I am explaining myself very well, but, Audrey… I want you and I need you. You’re meant to be with me now. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel it in here.” I place her palm over my heart.

She pulls her hand away and I immediately miss our connection. “Did you feel it in your bones when you were fucking your easy lay against the wall. Don’t try to deny it. I heard you.” She’s jealous of me being with someone else. However, I don’t know what she’s referring to.

“What? I don’t know what you are talking about. Audrey, I’ve not brought anyone home with me. I’ve not been with my ex in three years.”

“When you first came home, your first night back, I was lying in bed. I heard you come in, and you had a woman with you. You were both very vocal while you were fucking against the other side of my bedroom wall.”

I can’t help but laugh. Trey and Natalie. I saw them leaving together from my parent’s house.

“Why are you laughing?”

“That had to of been Trey and Nattie the night he showed up. He brought some boxes over, and she had the key to let him in,” I explain.

“Well this just got awkward…,” she trails off.

“Why?” I’m curious.

She swallows, blushes, then looks away.

“Tell me,” I demand, not letting her off easy.

“I got jealous, but more than that…I touched myself while thinking of you—wishing it were me, being taken by you.”

I kiss her fingertips wishing I could taste her and pull her body into mine. “No need to be embarrassed. I jack myself off in the shower every morning to thoughts of you. But I’m done fucking around, Audrey. I want you and I intend to have you.”

I lean into her personal space not giving her a chance to run, or myself for that matter. Pushing her shirt from her shoulder, I kiss her bare skin, working my way up her neck, along her jaw, and to her sweet mouth, that feels like it was made for kissing me.

Her tongue sweeps against mine, as her nipple presses into my arm. She straddles my lap, going all in with me.

The wetness from her damp pants seeps into mine as we continue to kiss. Moving my hands down her hips, I want her pants off. I don’t want anything between us.

I tell her to take them off and she complies. She sheds her shirt and her tank top as well, left in nothing but a pair of barely there white lace panties.

I pull her back down to my lap. Her pussy rubs against my erection and I about get off I want her so damn bad. If it weren’t for my jacking off so often here lately, I’d be nutting all in my pants right now.

Fuck she feels so good.

She feels like she was meant to be mine.

Her body rocks into mine as she deepens not only our kiss but our connection. This isn’t lust. Not entirely. At least not for me.

Somehow, I have fallen for her.

She’s mine.

Audrey was meant to be mine.

I met her first.

I should have had her and not my brother.

Maybe the thought makes me a terrible person, but I never said I was good.

My fingers dig into her hips and under the edge of her sexy lace, wanting to feel the heat of her fire.

Audrey is coming alive under my touch.

She makes me want things I shouldn’t.

I want to take her to my bed and never let her leave. I want to fill her up with my come and make a baby with her. I want to give her the life that my brother promised.

Chapter 16

Audrey

I’m not thinking. Only feeling in this moment. Right now, Nate’s fingers on me feels pretty spectacular. His hands are large and rough as he rubs my back tenderly, reminding my body how good it is to be wanted and touched. Reminding me what it’s like to live.

His tongue brushes over my nipple before sucking it into his hungry mouth. I grind down on the prominent bulge in his pants, aching to ride him. I want him inside me. I want this man to devour me.

With his mouth latched to my nipple, he picks me up as he stands. His hands are supporting me other than my legs hooked around his waist. He only stops teasing me to navigate us to the bedroom. He’s holding me tight against his bare chest as he walks down the hall and feeling him skin to skin is indescribable.

Our bodies mold together perfectly as if we were always meant to be joined as we lay down on his bed.

We continue to taste and suck on one another’s bodies as we lay intertwined on his cool sheets. Nate works his way down my body, tugging my panties off as he goes. Pushing my thighs apart, he looks up at me making me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

“I can’t wait to taste you.” His head dips down, licking his tongue along the slit of my pussy lips, languidly. Teasing my clit with his finger, he circles the sensitive area as he continues to lick and explore.

My thighs squeeze against his head I run my fingers through his hair, loving how good this man is making me feel. Feelings I thought I would never find again with another soul.

When Nate pushes a finger inside me, I moan at the sensation as he makes a come her motion finding my sweet spot. His eager mouth and torturous fingers continue to assault my pussy, but I want nothing more than for him to fuck me.

His mouth sucks down hard on my pulsing clit as he adds in a second finger and teases at my forbidden hole with his thumb and within seconds I am getting off.

Nate groans as he licks his fingers clean and snakes up my body, kissing every inch of my skin along the way until he reaches my mouth.

“Pants off,” I whisper against his lips, tasting myself on them while tugging on the drawstring.

He slips his hands along the waistband, and I roll over to give him room to remove his pants.

His erection springs free, resting on his abdomen. He’s big, larger than Joey. I push that out of my head though. If I start thinking about him, I’ll end up running away. And I not only want this—I need it. I need Nate in a way I’ve never needed anyone else. It scares the hell out of me but as I look at him stroking his thick cock, he’s picture perfect and alive. He’s flesh and bone with a heart that is beating wildly for me right now.

Nate pulls me back onto him and I straddle him. My pussy rubs against his rigid shaft, teasing at what I want, coating his hot flesh with my arousal.

His mouth is on mine, claiming me if only for tonight.

He bites my lip sucking it between his parted lips as I continue to rub against him. I can’t get enough of his touch, his mouth.

Nate digs his fingers into my ass cheeks, while his other hand guides his cock to my awaiting slit. I slide down on him and brace my hands on his shoulders as he stretches me. Thrusting up, he impales me on his thick length and a shudder of pleasure ripple throughs me.

I ride him hard and fast, bouncing my tits as I rock against his hips. God he feels so good. Too good. I can feel another orgasm building as our bodies move together.

Nate watches me with a heated gaze, never taking his off me. “You feel so damn good, Audrey. I’m gonna get you off and then I’m going to come all over your ass,” he promises.

His fingers rub over my clit as I lean back on his thighs with him still inside me. I squeeze his dick as I move up and down and go side to side slowly. My body begins to tremble as fireworks dance behind my eyelids. I still, riding the wave of my second orgasm out.

He pulls me down so that we are lying chest to chest, and he massages my back under my blanket of hair, while I recover. “Your body was made for loving mine,” he whispers, and I try to ignore the L word.

Nate presses a sweet kiss to my temple before I slide over and lie on my stomach with my ass in the air, ready and waiting. “I believe you promised to come all over my ass,” I tease wiggling my butt at him.

He smacks my left cheek, my skin stings, but it’s a good ache. He lines up behind me and guides himself in slowly, taking his time, enjoying the sensation of our connection.

Light kisses trail my spine as he presses down on me, filling me completely.

Grabbing my hair, he wraps it around his fist and tugs firmly, using my hair and my shoulder as a brace for the impact. He starts working in and out of me faster and faster, pulling on my hair with his fingers digging into my shoulder.

Sweat beads drop onto my skin as he keeps up his pace. Brutal, unforgiving, and deliciously rough. His body drives into mine, slamming the bed into the wall so hard I am afraid he will push us through to my apartment.

“Fuck, Audrey.” My name is a heated whisper on his breath. He pulls my body up against his chest and his hand moves around to my front, fondling my clit as he thrusts at a leisurely pace, slowing his rhythm and kissing my neck. I feel him everywhere and I get off a third time.

Then not exactly how I imagined he would, Nate shoves me back down on the bed and takes me missionary style. His greedy mouth comes down on my nipple, sucking the tender bud between his teeth playfully. I hook my ankles around him, holding him to me, not giving him room to pull away. He feels so perfect in me…for me. And he was right our bodies know what the other needs as though we have done this countless times.

He pumps into me harder as he grins lazily at me with sweat beading across his brow. His lips find mine once more before he presses his body down on mine. His body trembles then bites down on my shoulder as he comes, only he doesn’t pull out. At first it feels so good I don’t realize the most important thing. The one thing that I should have thought about, but I was letting my desire lead me. I am freaking out internally. We didn’t use protection, and I stopped my birth control after Joey. His name is like a slap to my face, and the tears begin to well up in my eyes. I turn my head to the side and bite down on the pillow, begging those damn tears not to fall.

Nate pulls out, collapsing next to me breathing as hard as I am. My chest heaves. I feel like I can’t breathe...what did I just do?

I run to the bathroom quickly with his semen running down my leg, and I pray that he doesn’t have Olympic swimmers.

I feel like a dirty whore.

Chapter 17

Natalie

The past week has been amazing. I admit I was still skeptical of Trey the morning after he showed up barring his secrets. He had been gone for a good two years and I was so caught up in the heat of the moment when he was looking at me all sweet and sexy. I have to admit I wasn’t expecting him to show up on my cruise and try to convince me he’s here to stay. The mechanic shop he works at is the next town over, but the commute wouldn’t be hard if I decide to take him up on his offer. He has a house there, and says he wants me to move in with him, so he can prove to me that we’d be the perfect fit. I don’t know if I want to move in with him. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s a dad. What if his kids hates me or what if his ex-wife decides she wants him back?

I know he’s being sincere, but to move in with him and play pretend, that’s a bit farfetched. I can’t stop myself from daydreaming about a life with him though. His place is bigger, and it would be ideal if we want to start a family of our own, eventually. We have time to decide though. We’re taking our time, and not getting in a hurry to make any huge decisions. I told Trey the more he pressures me the more he will push me away.

Right now I can’t decide if I want to kiss him or punch him. He keeps trying to cop a feel of my boob in the backseat of Ma’s Escalade.

I keep shoving his hand away. My mind isn’t on us now that we are stateside.

I worry too much about Nate and Audrey. Could they run the bar together as a team if I were to move in with Trey?

I would make the commute at first, but if Trey and me ever got serious, and one day had kids…changes would need to be made.

Trey grabs my nipple and pinches it hard and I scowl. He smiles, and I smile back, when I should pinch him back.

My trip to the Bahamas was better than I could’ve ever dreamed.

I spent every waking moment for the first three days naked, while either under or on top of Trey.

The beach was gorgeous, but I could’ve been anywhere with him and been happy, until he pissed me off with his marriage talk.

I’m nervous to meet his son. Sure, the kid is hardly two, but I don’t want to make a bad impression on him. Kids make me nervous.

Ma just picked us up from the airport. I’m exhausted, hungry, and concerned by Ma’s lack of talking. She’s being oddly quiet. She isn’t a quiet woman.

I lay my head on Trey’s shoulder in the backseat and doze off for the rest of the three-hour ride.

When I awaken, we are pulling into the driveway at my parent’s house.

Trey nudges me gently. “Wake up, we’re home.”

Ma finally breaks her silence. “I cooked. Nate is coming over. We all need to talk about some things.” She gets out of the car before I can ask what in the hell is going on.

I haven’t told her about possibly moving in with Trey I know how she was about Joe JR and Audrey living together. What if he leaves toothpaste all in the sink at night? Or leaves his dirty dishes laying around and dirty underwear.  What if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me? I’m no longer that timid girl who used to follow him around. I’ve changed. We both have.

I look at my man, but he shrugs as clueless as I am. “Did she not talk the whole drive here?”

“Nope, not a peep. Come on, I’m famished. I’ll grab our bags after we eat.” He smiles at me, his cheeks sun kissed from our trip. He’s finally starting to tan. He got burnt the first day on the beach with his fair hair and pale skin. A few freckles are sprinkled across the bridge of his nose, reminding me of when we were kids, and he’d ride his bicycle over to play with the boys.

Inside, my father is in the recliner reading some finance book. Not a good sign. He never reads. I mentally prepare myself for Ma to yell at me for wanting to move in with Trey. Like she somehow knows already and is already settled on telling me all the reasons we need to wait.

I want to be with Trey. I do.

It isn’t a question of not loving him, I’m scared he will hurt me again.

My brother is camped out on the loveseat drinking a beer. I guess Lewis and Audrey are running the bar. I can’t wait to tell Audrey about our trip and give her the gifts I bought her. They aren’t much, a few shot glasses and some t-shirts. I know she’ll love them though.

Dad and Nate say brief hellos. I shuffle towards the aroma of food wafting from the kitchen, with Trey in tow.

Ma has homemade lasagna, garlic bread, and a bowl of salad waiting on the counter. We wash our hands in the half-bathroom by the garage before fixing our plates. It appears Dad and Nate already ate, by the missing half of the food. Ma goes behind us getting a plate of her own.

Once we get seated at the dining room table and start to eat, the rest of the family joins us. The three of them, my parents, and my brother are being so weird. It’s kind of creeping me out.

“Have you set a date for the wedding?” Ma questions before taking a bite.

Trey steals a glance at me just as baffled as I am, and I answer for us. “What wedding? We want to take our time. No need to rush.” I hope she isn’t going to argue with me. I know no one loves planning a party like Ma, but she’s not going to win on this. Trey squeezes my hand hopeful that I mean it.

Ma claps her hands together. “Good. We got other priorities right now.”

Her agreeing throws me off and leaves me feeling offended.

“Really? Such as?” I wait for her to explain, but before she can talk the doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it,” Nate offers.

I cast a glance in his direction as he rises and see the dark circles under his eyes. I hope he’s not having issues. What if my leaving put too much stress and pressure on him?

He returns with none other than Lewis. Now I am really intrigued.

Lewis trudges into the kitchen to grab a plate.

“Is Audrey running the bar?” I ask, wondering if she’s going to turn up at any minute too. My brother avoids my eyes and our dad clears his throat.

I swallow my bite of garlic bread and chase it with some sweet tea. “What? Is something wrong with Audrey? Y’all are freaking me out.”

Trey continues to eat oblivious that anything is wrong, he’s too busy stuffing his mouth to see I am about to be hit with bad news. He’s still gloating over the fact my parents don’t care if we move into together out of wedlock.

Its Lewis that answers as he sits down with his food. “She’s gone.”

The bite of food I swallowed threatens to make its way back up my throat. “Gone. What? What do you mean she’s gone?” I know I didn’t call and check in on her, but Ma assured me she would look out for her and the bar.

“As in she took off,” my brother clarifies.

“Well, where is she now?” I’m getting annoyed with all this beating around the bush business.

“We don’t know,” Ma pipes in. “But we need to find her and bring her back. She’s making a mistake. Her place is here with us. We’re her family.” She stresses the word family and I snort.

“Yeah, because you made her feel so welcome.” I shake my head.

“That’s enough, Nattie. Audrey is a part of our family. It may have taken me time to accept her, but I do care about her,” Ma argues.

“So why did she take off, what did you all do to her?”

I give them all an evil eye except for Dad, he was always good to Audrey, and went above and beyond to make her feel welcome and wanted.

Bowser, our family dog curls up under my feet, and I sneak him a piece of my bread. I no longer have an appetite.

Chapter 18

Nate

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I admit that I was the reason Audrey left. I pushed her too hard, too soon. Sleeping with her was a mistake. I don’t regret the night we shared, but I should have waited. I should have taken my time with her. She wasn’t ready for what I want to give her.

I fucked up.

After we had sex, she darted to the bathroom, and wouldn’t come back out. I could hear her sobbing on the other side of the door. I tried to give her some privacy. I tried to be the man she needed but her sobs triggered me. I freaked and kicked the door in to get to her.

I only wanted her to stop crying. I couldn’t bear the sound knowing I was the cause of her pain. I simply wanted to make her pain go away, but she only yelled at me, and then she smacked me.

She screamed in my face telling me we were horrible people and should be ashamed of ourselves. I stupidly told her I wanted to be with her. I told she was mine and she would always be mine and she smacked me again.

It was like a light switch flickering off and on. I couldn’t control myself. I grabbed her from the toilet and shook her. I didn’t mean to. However, the damage was done.

She was terrified of me.

I never meant to hurt her, or to make her afraid of me.

All I wanted was for her to see that we should be together. That deep down I think Joe would want us to be happy and live our lives.

I don’t deserve her, but God do I want her.

I’ve tried finding her, but she doesn’t want to be found. I’m a damn mess without her.

I know we haven’t known each other long but when you know that someone is the one you are meant to be with losing them guts you. It rips you in two. I never dreamt I’d find somebody like her. A woman who drives me wild and gets under my skin in every possible way, but I did. I need Audrey. Fate…destiny…the universe pushed us together not once but twice.

We are supposed to be together.

Ma, Lewis, Dad, and now Trey and Natalie know what I did.

I feel so ashamed.

I need her to know I’m sorry. I am so damn sorry. If I could go back and change how I went about it all I would. I’d give anything to hold her once more. To taste her lips. To feel her body tremble under my touch.

I can’t eat.

I can’t sleep.

I just want to go back to that night, when it was raining, and see her look at me like she did before I ruined it all. In the rain nothing else mattered but us. There was nothing between us. Nothing to get in the way of what we both wanted. There was the rain and there was her. All I could ever want or need. Simply Audrey.

My sister squeezes my hand. “I’ll find her and talk to her, I promise you, Nate. We will fix this.” Her words say one thing, but her eyes portray something else entirely. Anger.

Something tells me my sister has some choice words for me, and she is choosing not to use them at the dinner table.

She shoves her plate away unable to finish her food.

“I’ve looked all over town for her, she isn’t at any of the hotels,” Lewis says.

The memory of the first night we met strikes me and suddenly I know where to look. I know where Audrey would run to. Legacy.

“I know where she went,” I tell them, and everyone jumps up at once, ready to go after her. I love them all for it, but I need to do this myself. “I need to go alone,” I tell them, hoping they’ll understand.

“Nonsense, you did enough damage. We’re all coming. Let’s go,” Ma orders, not having it any other way. We all load up in her Escalade to go after Audrey.

I can only hope I’m right and she’s at Motel 6 or Dusty Rose’s Bar.

The drive to Legacy doesn’t take long, but every second feels like an hour. I go into Dusty’s first with Natalie at my side.

We split at the bar to cover more ground faster. My heart is thumping out of my chest, my palms are slick with sweat.

I buy a beer and question the bartender. He says he hasn’t seen her. I get the feeling he’s lying, but I have no choice but to move on to the Motel.

Stepping outside, I decide to walk needing the fresh air to help me breathe. I can feel my anxiety bubbling in my chest. I took my pill this morning, but I don’t feel like it is helping at all. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she wants me to get a therapy dog, for emotional support.

Natalie gets in the car with everyone else, respecting my need for a moment alone.

My family follows me, driving along the sidewalk, staring at me with pity masked on their faces. I wish they’d go get a coffee or something. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop from tapping my fingers against my thighs as I walk.

Ma parks off to the side, Trey and Lewis are checking the lot for Audrey’s car while I go into the office to ask about her.

The night desk clerk is an older woman with thin grey hair. She looks up from her crossword puzzle and I ask her if a woman meeting Audrey’s description has gotten a room recently.

“She has dark brown hair, that hangs past her shoulders. Her eyes are the prettiest shade of green, like the green of a forest on the first day of spring.”

“Sorry.” She frowns. “I don’t pay much attention and my eyes aren’t good. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go the bathroom for about five minutes.” She drops her pen on the guestbook with a wink, and I smile faintly as she shuffles to the bathroom.

I look down at the pages scanning the signatures quickly, hoping and praying to see her name. I don’t find it, but there is a signature that isn’t legible.

She may have signed while she was still upset. With a small shred of hope and my only clue, I join the guys back at the car.

“We found her car, parked at the back of the building,” Trey tells me.

“Go get our girl,” Lewis encourages me, clamping his hand down on my shoulder. “We’ll be here waiting for you. Both of you.”

I nod with a grin, glad that they are here to support me as much as they drive me nuts.

I jog around the building wishing on a star that Audrey is here, and she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt her. It’s the last thing I ever wanted.

I can’t let her go. We’re meant to be. I love her. I have fallen so fast and hard for her I don’t know which way is up.

I round the building and see her car parked in the middle, in front of the rooms on the bottom floor. I look at the windows, most of them have the curtains drawn shut, except one room. The curtains are parted enough to let a little light spill through.

Gathering my strength and courage, I prepare to knock on the door. I faced many enemies while serving my country, but none of my training could have ever prepared me to face Audrey right now.

I knock on the door and step to the side, afraid if she sees me through the peephole she won’t answer. If this is even her room. I’ll knock on every door and wait all night if I have to.

Whatever it takes. I’m not leaving here without her.

The curtain moves in the window, then the door creaks open slightly.

A rain I wasn’t expecting starts pouring down.

I chuckle softly at the timing as she says, “Who’s there?”

“Audrey, it’s me…Nate. Can we talk? Please.”

She peers through the crack at me, and I can see she’s only dressed in a thin cream lace camisole and matching panties. I have to fight the urge to adjust my dick.

“You see me so talk,” she tells me not budging an inch.

I nod and swallow. She won’t make it easy on me. Not that I expected her to. Nothing with us has been easy.

“I’m sorry, I fucked up. I know I pushed you too hard too soon. I scared you away, and the way I feel so strongly for you scares me too. But my feelings for you are the only thing that makes sense. I need you in my life, however you’ll allow me to be in yours. If you don’t want to be with me, I’ll back off, but you can’t tell me you don’t feel something for me too.”

She cracks the door open a bit more.

“Nathan, I don’t know what you expect from me. I’m fucked up. We both are.”

She’s never called me Nathan before, and I smile loving the way it sounds coming from her lips.

I rest my arm against the door, edging my foot in the doorway to prevent her from shutting me out. She moves over, staring past me. My crazy family is standing behind me in the rain. Ma included.

“Come home, Audrey,” Ma calls to her.

Audrey shakes her head with a sarcastic laugh.

“Nate…”

“Audrey…” I don’t wait for her to say anything more. I push the door open, stepping into the room, wrapping my arms around her, kissing her like I own her, because I do. Her tongue sweeps along mine and I feel a peace I never knew I was missing until her wash over me.

She’s mine, she was always meant to be mine.

From the first time we met…until now she was mine, we just didn’t know it yet.

“Are you crazy,” she says breathily as my family watches the show.

“Crazy about you. Get dressed, you’re coming home with me.”

“Nate…” she starts again.

“Come on already, we’re cold and wet out here,” Natalie yells through the sheets of rain as they downpour.

“We’re your family, Audrey, whether you want us or not,” Dad speaks up.

Audrey snorts and shakes her head. She shoves her hands against my chest. “You scared me, Nathan. Don’t do it again.”

“I promise, I’ll do better with my medication. I’ll increase my therapy sessions. Whatever you want, I’ll do it. For you.”

“Not for me, Nathan. For us. All of us.” She nods to my crazy ass family.

Audrey grabs a pair of flannel bottoms from the bag next to her bed as everyone piles in the room, sopping wet. She goes into the bathroom to dress, and we all stand awkwardly, waiting for her to return.

Chapter 19

Audrey

I’m in the bathroom feeling terrified to leave this tiny room.

I know Nathan, Nattie, Ma, Joe, Trey, and Lewis are waiting on the other side of the door for me. How can they all be okay with my being with him? Don’t they feel I am trading one son, one brother for another?

I take a deep breath steadying myself with my palms against the cold ceramic sink. The water drips from the faucet making a plop plop sound as it hits the basin, reminding me of the rain hitting my windowsill.

I take a few more breaths not knowing what to do. I stare at myself in the mirror, wishing I could talk to Joey. I wish I knew how he felt. Would he be angry? Would he be happy Nathan and I have each other?

“This is your life now, Audrey,” I tell my reflection. I have to worry about the now. Live in the world around me today. I can’t go back. I can only move forward.

In the end it doesn’t matter what Joey would think, he isn’t here now, and he isn’t coming back. Maybe it’s too soon, but maybe Nathan was right, I did meet him first. What if fate was trying to tell me something back then? What if the world put me in Joey’s life to lead me back to his brother?

I believe in serendipity. I believe in Nathan and his love he wants to give me.

After we had sex and he flipped out one me, I ran. It’s easier to run than face the consequences of what my choices were causing. I knew that he suffers from PTSD. I know he’d never hurt me intentionally.

I think back to that night, the night we met for the first time.

I remember his smile, and how sweet he was for those fleeting minutes I knew him. I remember wishing I could see him again, even though I didn’t know his name. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to Joey, he reminded me of Nathan.

The war changed Nathan, made him hard, made him hurt.

We all have scars, some deeper than others. I have to let down my walls and let go of my fears if I ever want to be happy with anyone.

With Nathan.

With myself.

I don’t know if its love we feel for each other, maybe someday.

For now, all I can do is offer him the pieces of me that are left.

I walk back into the room, my bag is already packed, and in his hand. Everyone else is gone.

“Ma went to check you out.” He dangles my keys in his other hand. “You ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I slip my shoes on. We run to my car in the rain, getting pelted with the large drops as they splash against our bodies.

Two months later

I’m with Nathan at his parent’s house for Natalie and Trey’s engagement party. After seeing that Nathan and I were going to make things work, Natalie decided to take a chance at finding her own happiness. Trey got down on one knee for her two weeks ago at the bar. I was scared for him for a minute. I thought she might say no, but as she stood there seeing his love for her in his eyes she said she just knew that he was her one.

She met his son, Treyton too. We all adore him. He has his daddy’s blond curls and grey eyes. Sometimes Nathan and I babysit so they can go out.

It feels strange, but it also feels right to be here as Nathan’s date. We’ve gotten a few strange looks from other family members, but Ma, believe it or not, tells me to ignore them.

We had a good talk, just the two of us a few days ago. She came over and brought me an I’m sorry apology cake. It was a sweet gesture and I know it came from the heart. Three months ago, I would’ve thought it contained poison.

She apologized for how she treated me when I was with Joey but holds firm she doesn’t believe we were right for each other. Part of me believes her. The part of me that believes in fate.

Nathan’s eyes find mine from across the yard. He makes his way to me, and we go over to Joey’s grave together.

I’ve not visited Joey’s grave since he died. It was too hard to think of him lying here in the ground.

Kissing two fingers, I touch them to the headstone. “I will always love you, Joey. I’ll never forget the man that you were. The love you showed me. The woman you made me want to be for you. I hope that one day when I see you again that you can forgive me and be happy that I found love again.” Before I pull away, a monarch butterfly lands on my fingers, and in this brief moment I feel Joey is giving me his blessing. I can’t stop the tears as they fall steady as rain.

“Hey, you okay?” Nathan twists my chin in his direction.

In his eyes, I see nothing but love and adoration. I feel able to let go of the past. I can finally move forward with him.

“Never better.” I offer him a true smile, feeling at peace.

Natalie joins us and gives us both a hug. She has decided to move in with Trey and his son to better help him. I guess Yvonne isn’t a great mom and Trey has full custody of him now. She’s leaving the running of the bar to Nathan and me, with the help of Lewis.

We are renting her apartment out to Freddie and Sasha, they decided to move in together.

I still have Joey’s apartment, but I spend most of my time next door at Nathan’s.

I’ll never forget Joey or the love that we shared, but life does go on. I will always love him and a part of me will always wish that he were still here with us, but I have to live my life. We only get one and tomorrow is never promised. Everything can end in the blink of an eye. I never want to take what I have been given for granted. The early detection pregnancy test I took this morning is evidence of the fact.

We haven’t told anyone. It’s so early I don’t want to jinx us, and I don’t want to steal Natalie’s thunder. Today is all about her and Trey. I’m going to miss seeing her every day, but I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now. I think just maybe she does love Trey.

She can’t stop smiling, it’s contagious.

The three of us walk back to the tent where all the guests are gathered.

The food has been served and is waiting on the table for us. I take my seat next to my man and Lewis. When I reach for my water instead of the wine, with piqued brows Lewis says, “Hold up. Since when do you turn down any form of alcohol?”

I give him a mean scowl. He needs to be quiet. “I do like water from time to time.” I take a hearty sip.

“What’s that?” Ma questions from across the round table.

“Audrey isn’t drinking her wine,” he rats me out.

Traitor.

“Is something wrong with the wine? It’s not bad is it?” Joe asks with a grin. His smile is handsome like son’s.

“I’m sure the wine is fine.” I look to Nathan to help me out and he has the biggest smug smirk on his face.

Ma and Lewis look at him and back to me.

“Oh. MY. Gawd. She’s pregnant. Audrey’s pregnant!” she screams, nearly leaping over the table to hug our necks and kiss our cheeks.

g Joe gives me a hug and squeezes his son’s shoulders. Natalie is grinning while Trey says he can’t wait to be an Uncle.

This nutty bunch is my family now.

I’m where I’m meant to be. I touch my stomach, even though there’s no bump. This baby will be loved. Whether we have a boy or girl we’ve already decided on a name.

Eight months later

“Please put the camera away, Nathan,” I snap at my husband. He proposed one week after I found out we were expecting. We had a small double ceremony in Ma’s backyard with Natalie and Trey a few months ago. It was sweet and intimate. It was perfect.

However, right now I don’t need to see my sweaty swollen face on film as I push a watermelon out of a pea. That’s what if feels like I’m doing as I bear down, giving my all, with what I hope is my final push.

Natalie grabs the camera from him and I’m thankful, until I realize she is still filming. That’s okay though. I’ll get to repay the favor in about three months when she gives birth to her son.

Ma keeps trying to poke her head through the door to get a glimpse. The nurse threatens to call security, but I ask for her to allow her in. I wouldn’t take this moment away from her. She wants a grandbaby to spoil so badly.  Sure, she spoils Treyton, Treys’ son, but I know getting to hold her own flesh and blood means so much to her.

Nathan returns to my side and kisses my forehead. “You’re doing good, babe, just one more push.”

Easier said than done. He isn’t the one giving birth here.

I squeeze his hand as hard as I can as I grit my teeth. Raising up, knees to my ears, I push until I feel like my eyes are going to pop. “NUGHHHGUHH!” I scream out as I feel our child being pulled from my body, and into the doctor’s hands.

I don’t relax until I hear her wail. She has strong lungs. Nathan cuts the cord and holds her first, while I get stitched up.

Seeing him with our daughter, I know we belong together. I no longer see glimpses of his brother, Joey, when I look at him. I am able to see him for the man he is, the man who loves me.

He hands our baby girl over to me, and I have to count her fingers and toes. Pink and wrinkled, she’s beautiful. She has the thickest mop of dark hair on her head. I kiss her cheeks and dote on her for a moment, until they take her away to clean her up, and do a hearing test.

I know Ma is eager to get her hands on her, she’s over in the corner with Natalie crying tears of joy while snapping pictures.

Later in the day, Lewis comes by to see his Goddaughter. He has his new beau with him, Garrett. He’s his third boyfriend in six months. I hope they last. Garrett is funny and everything Lewis needs in a good man.

“Girl, if I didn’t see those stretch marks last week, I wouldn’t think you even gave birth, you looking fierce, honey,” Lewis gushes kissing my cheek.

“Ha. Ha.”

Nathan brings our newborn from the nursery, and Lewis lights up like a damn lighthouse beacon. He holds her for a few minutes, and immediately hands her over to me as soon as she starts to cry.

“Mamma, that is all you.” He laughs and promises to come by the apartment after we are released.

I was afraid of how Nathan would cope with the baby crying, he seems to be doing okay, continuing to take his medication regularly and he has a dog, Lucky who seems to help him tremendously. She can sense when he needs her. If life ever gets to be too much for him, he knows all he has to do is say the word. I know he wouldn’t never hurt our daughter intentionally, but I still want him taking every precaution when it comes to his triggers.

“You make me so happy, Audrey. I love you,” he whispers in my ear taking our sleeping girl from my arms as I drift asleep.

When I awaken, he is sitting in the glider in the corner feeding her. He doesn’t notice I’m awake and listening to him as he talks to her.

“You get your name after your Uncle, Joey. He loved your Mamma as much as I do. I know he’d love you too. I wanted to call you Rain, after the thing that brought your mom and me together. You see Joey Rain Carwell, when it rains…all is right in the world.”

A tear slips from my eye.

It’s been raining all day.

The End

About Glenna

Glenna Maynard is a USA TODAY & Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author most known for her gritty Black Rebel Riders' MC saga.

She has a passion for writing antiheroes but occasionally takes a walk on the sweeter side. Bikers, Rockstars, the boy next door, Glenna writes them all.

When she isn't arguing with the voices in her head or drinking reader tears, she enjoys watching classic TV shows with her two children and longtime leading man. Her favorite books to read change with her mood, but she always enjoys a good historical romance.

Other books by Glenna

Black Rebel Riders’ MC

Grim The Beginning

Rumor

Baby

Striker

Romeo

Heart of A Rebel

A Rebel Love

A Rebel In The Roses

Blood of A Rebel

The Devil’s Rebel

Devils Rejects MC

Hades’ Flame

Boogeyman’s Dream

Reaper’s Till Death

Cupid’s Arrow

Uno’s Truth

Cocky’s Fight

Black Rebel Devils MC

Moonshine & Mistletoe

Guns & Roses

Sex & Cigarettes

Sons Of Destruction

Dark Paradise: The Apocalypse

Paradise Lost: Wasteland

Paradise Found: Resurrection

BRRMC Roadhouse Tales

Devil Dick

Pecker Wrecker

Cock Blocker

Sassy Pants

Cruel Love

The Story of Killian & Liri

The Conclusion of Killian & Liri

Stand Alone Titles

Beauty & The Biker

Born Sinner

Lil’ Red & The Big Bad Biker

Making Her Mine

Dirty Love

Dirty Truth

Don’t Let Me Go

Stone Deception

Jameson’s Addiction

My Best Friend’s Girl

My Brother’s Best Friend

The Weight of Us

Falling For The Bad Boy

Cowritten with Dawn Martens

You Wreck Me (Prospects)

You Break Me (Prospects)

Sacking The Player