Modern Mistress
Author: Hannah Jay
Date: 2016-07-03 04:00:00+00:00

Modern Mistress | Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve

Modern Mistress is a complete guide for girls who would like a gentlemen to provide them with the finer things in life.

Miss Hannah Jay, respected author of 5 Star Reviewed Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman and 5 Star Reviewed Questions for Miss Jay: An Escort's Guide to Style, Dates and Fun turns her elegant pen to the delights of the modern mistress.

From lingerie choices to domina dates, Miss Jay speaks to the real world of the modern mistress. How to keep a man happy, negotiating a serious mistress allowance, looking expensive without spending a bomb; all the things a girl needs to know when she decides to take the plunge and be kept.

The world has changed and the modern mistress has changed right along with it. But the good news is wealthy men have stayed exactly the same and when they have had their fill of high end escorts and low rent sugar babies they are ready for the mistress experience. They expect the best and are delighted to pay for it.

While Miss Jay is writing for girls who want to be mistresses, Modern Mistress is also a guide to style for women who want the glossy, expensive, finished look and attitude a mistress has by second nature.

Of course, Miss Jay also covers the do’s and don’ts for gentlemen who would like to give themselves the luxury of a modern mistress. (And she has a wise word for wives – a mistress may be your best friend.)

Sensual, outspoken and always witty, Miss Jay is refreshingly direct as she lets her girls in on the secrets every modern mistress should know.

Enjoy!

Table of Contents

Modern Mistress | Lead the Luxury Life You Deserve

Table of Contents

Preface: The Modern Mistress

Chapter 1 | Why a Mistress, Why You?

Who are you?

What is a Mistress?

A mistress is not an escort or a sugar baby

The Modern Mistress

Chapter 2 | The Mistress, Pantsuit Nation and the “Male Sex Deficit”

Maximizing the Obvious

Pantsuit Nation

Time and Attention: the Mistress’s Secret Weapons

The Femininity Deficit

Back to the Future

Chapter 3 | The Mistress as a Luxury Item

Price is a Signal

Style

Details

Let the Luxury Market Find You

Sheep from Goats

Closing

Luxury Mistress

Chapter 4 | Seeking Arrangement

The Mistress Equation

Negotiation

Time and Exclusivity

Chapter 5 | Get Glossy – Level Up Your Look

Gorgeous Hair

Gorgeous Skin

Mani/Pedi Perfection

Pearly Whites

Clean

A Touch of Sun – Or Not?

Glossy Girls Dress Simply

Jewelry, Bags and Shoes

Attitude

Chapter 6 | Dressing Up To Up Your Game

Rules

Basics

Looking Expensive and Worth It

Gifts are their Own Reward

Chapter 7 | The Subtle Art of Undressing

3 things to have or look for:

Light

Clothes

The Reveal

Chapter 8 | A Mistress’s Apartment

Clean

Tidy

Organized

Editing

Step 1: MAKE A PLAN

Step 2: RE-ARRANGE

Step 3: COLOUR

Step 4: LIGHTING

Step 5: DETAILS

Chapter  9  | Ten Things a Modern Mistress Can’t Live Without

1. A SmartPhone

2. A Little Black Dress

3. Stockings

4. Candles

5. A Riding Crop

6. Your Favorite Vibe

7. Perfect Red Lipstick

8. Great Towels and Sheets

9. Little Black Slip

10. Refreshment

Just the Essentials

Chapter 10 | Sex Tips for the Modern Mistress

The Erotic Attitude

Elise: Passive No More

Take Away

But What About Sex Tips?

Chapter 11 | Getting Role Play Right for Mistresses

The Role of the “Mistress”

Expanding the Role

A Safe Place

OK, He’s Asked…Now What?

Professional Grade

The Real Role

Chapter 12  | The Mistress in Charge

Tools of the Trade

Dressing the Part

Showtime

A Domina and a Mistress

Chapter 13 | Mistress Style: Glamour – Putting it all together

Glamour

The Glamour of Alexandra

Chapter 14  | Off-time for the Perfect Mistress

Education

Interning

Exercise

Mindfulness

Someone to Talk To

Chapter 15 | Man Talking – The Art of Conversation for Mistresses

Why are you here?

Active Listening

Taking charge

After the Fireworks

Chapter 16| Mistress Style: Travelling Companion: Girl on the Go

“Travelling companion!

Chapter  17  | How Not to Get Caught: A Primer for Men

An Ounce of Prevention

Busted

How Not to Get Caught: Take Two

Chapter 18  | Why Mistresses Are No Threat To Wives

A Mistress Does Not Wish to Marry Your Husband

Safety

A Professional Situation

Married Sex is not Mistress Sex

Fetishes

The Expense is Controlled

Limited Drama

A Mistress Will Not Fall in Love With Your Husband

A Mistress Listens

Mistresses Can Restore Men

Conclusion | The Modern Mistress Decision

Strategic Planning Tips

Long Term Strategy

Taking Time

The Thoroughly Modern Mistress

Other Books by Hannah Jay which you might enjoy!

Preface: The Modern Mistress

We live in an age of miracles and wonders, smartphones and Tinder. Swipe left, swipe right: a date at your fingertip. Literally.

For the vast majority of the population the very idea of a mistress is, if they think about it at all, a concept of a different age. Pre-feminist, pre-Internet, right there with fountain pens and real silk lingerie – quaint, a bit sexist and, surely, no longer an actual thing. A wealthy gentleman taking a younger girl under his wing, giving her an apartment and an allowance, visiting a couple of times a week for conversation and, yes, pleasure.

In fact, like many good, but old fashioned, ideas being or having a mistress has never actually gone away. Instead, in a pornified world, a few intelligent women and sophisticated men have reinvented “the mistress” for a modern world.

The essentials of the relationship have never changed: at a certain point a successful man realizes that there is something missing in his life. Being intelligent he considers his position and realizes that something is the company of a vivacious, attractive, younger woman. The trouble is that the old fashioned “have an affair with a girl in the steno pool” solution is out of the question. There is no steno pool, if there was each girl is a “sexual harassment” lawsuit waiting to happen and the potential for marriage ending drama makes the entire idea far too risky. The other solutions – high end escorts, sugar babies – are about sex and what is missing in his life is not exactly “sex”. It’s something else.

You.

Chapter 1 | Why a Mistress, Why You?

This is a book for women who want to know more about becoming a mistress. A modern mistress. It is also for men who, on reflection, would like the perks and pleasures patronage brings.

The very idea of being a man’s mistress is more than a little old fashioned. Like pretty stockings and firm girdles, a world in which a man might keep a mistress and a woman might decide to be kept has seemingly vanished. And yet…

Well, before we get to “And yet” what are we actually talking about? What is a mistress? And, more to the point, could you be a mistress?

Who are you?

Even thinking about becoming a mistress requires a bit of serious self-assessment? While there are women who somehow just fall into mistress relationships, most mistresses made a conscious choice and they made it because of what they knew about themselves.

Do you like men? That seems to be a silly question but to be serious about being a mistress you actually need to like men and, in many cases, older, powerful, alpha men who are not terrifically sensitive or tolerant. To be a successful mistress – and why aim to be anything else – you have to like men. Like the way they act, how they smell, their eagerness and their ambition. You need to be able to understand how men compartmentalize, how they prefer to avoid emotion driven conversations, how they are concrete rather than abstract and, just as importantly, how often beneath the bluster even alpha males need a degree of nurture and direction.

Do you like the feminine world? Quick…skirt or trousers? Lace or plain? Nail polish or natural? Stockings or bare legs? These are not all or nothing questions. But they and a hundred others suggest inclinations. The sort of man who actually understands what keeping a mistress is really all about is looking for a particular sort of woman. We’ll talk about that later in the book.

Is your life in order? Ignoring for the moment financial matters, how are you doing? Are you working? Or going to school? Are you in reasonable shape? Sleeping well? Having a glass or two of wine every so often but partying only lightly? Friends? Family? Boyfriend? It may seem intrusive but if you want to think about being a mistress you need to have a sense of your own life being in control. A patron will smooth the financial bumps but you have to come to the table with very little baggage.

Sex. Do you like sex? Can you have sex for the sheer fun of it without getting emotionally entangled? Are you good at sex? If not, are you willing to learn? Most of all, can you bring enthusiasm to the bedroom and a playfulness to the living room? How do you feel about your body?

Intelligence. It does not matter if you have a Harvard degree or if you dropped out of grade ten. What does matter is if you are smart. Do you read? Do you have some idea of what is going on in the world? Do you like art or fashion or architecture? Do you speak a second language? Can you speak grammatically without slang and without swearing?

Manners. Are you comfortable in good restaurants? Do you know when to wear a cocktail dress and when to wear an evening gown? Finger food or linen napkins? Do you wait for a gentleman to open a door, to stand when you enter a room, to hold your chair? Can you listen as well as you speak?

Money. Are you good with money? Can you discuss money comfortably? Can you ask for what you are worth? Do you negotiate? Do you have a bank account? A credit card? A credit score? A mortgage?

Dating. What is your favorite sort of date? Dinner and a movie? A long, lingering white linen feast? Burger and fries at the ballgame? A night at the Symphony? Gallery hopping? Drinks, dinner, bed? Dance til you drop? Go to the gym and then linger in the hot tub?

Discretion. Have you ever had an affair? Seen a married man? Had an office romance no one knew about? How do you feel about secrets? Do you mind having a cover story?

There are a hundred more questions a woman should ask herself before seriously thinking of becoming a mistress and some will come up as you read this book. Asking those questions and being honest in your answers is vital to your potential as a mistress.

What is a Mistress?

A mistress is a woman whose style, grace and elegance attracts the attentions of a man or men who enjoy the finer things in life and can afford them. In different circumstances, a man’s mistress might have been his girlfriend or his wife; but in certain circumstances that sort of relationship would suit neither.

A mistress is, most of all, a woman who embraces the understated pleasures of a sophisticated, luxurious and lightly illicit entanglement comfortable knowing that it will, in time, end. A mistress has her reasons.

This little book is not so much a guide as a series of suggestions. There is, after all, no right way to be a mistress. But, from the very beginning, there are many potential errors a mistress might make which, I hope, these few chapters will steer you away from.

For gentlemen considering taking a mistress, reading this book will give you a glimpse of the pleasures which await. It will also give you a sense of where you might set your expectations.

At its very most basic, the mistress/patron relationship substitutes money for love. Which is not to say that mistresses cannot grow very fond of their patrons and vice versa; but, ultimately, the mistress path is not intended to lead to a white picket fence and a sprawl of kids. It can lead to many other things – travel, gorgeous clothes, sexual connoisseurship, magical evenings and hours of clever conversation. Patrons and mistresses are often the best of friends and share things which husbands and wives may not be comfortable with. The substitution of money for love is something of a guarantee that the mistress and her patron will avoid drama, heartache and jealousy. It is an adult arrangement between two people.

Not every woman can be a mistress and not every man makes a good patron. There is some art to both sides of the transaction but mistress and patron, at the outset, understand that whatever else their relationship is or may become, it is at root “business”.

A mistress is not an escort or a sugar baby

A woman who receives money for sex is liable to be seen as an escort if she takes the money “transactionally” for each encounter. If, on the other hand, she takes an allowance paid say monthly, she may be seen as a “sugar baby”. It is not, by the way, the money which creates the transaction; rather it is the clear nexus between money and sex.

Crudely, a girl who is paid to give a man a blow job is an escort, and if she is paid monthly for, say, eight blow jobs, she is doing wholesale what an escort does retail.

While one can spill a lot of ink making distinctions between service providers and high end escorts and then the sugar baby world, the fact is that none of these girls is under any illusion as to why men are visiting her. It really is “sex work” however it is dressed up.

What sets a mistress apart is what else she does for her patron. She may be brilliant in the bedroom or merely willing, but unlike the escort or the sugar baby, she knows there are other rooms in the house. A mistress also knows that her patron is likely to be a man in full. Almost always intelligent – because he wouldn’t be able to pay her fees nor appreciate her gifts if he wasn’t – patrons are looking for women who offer more than the delights of the bedroom.

The sugar world is all about having a “side piece” who will take the two AM booty calls and provide female companionship (and sex) for a generally rather small allowance. Sugar babies are seldom elegant and not in the least bit subtle because, and this is important, sugar daddies are uninterested in elegance or subtlety. They want a side piece their friends would want to bang if they could afford it. A sugar baby/sugar daddy situation tends to be fairly short term and very limited.

To be a bit snobby, the sugar world is where guys who have made a bunch of money in the trades or running a liquor store find nail technicians and servers who are more than happy to settle for a couple of thousand dollars a month to take care of his “needs”. You are not them.

The Modern Mistress

Intelligent, alpha males work very hard and are usually very demanding. They tend to be goal driven and, even as they get older, are highly competitive. They spend their days, ten to fourteen hours a day, often six and even seven days a week, winning. They have been winning since they were in the sandbox at the playground organizing the other kids to build their vision of a castle.

Even when these men relax they do it competitively: a game of golf is played for $1000 a hole, tennis becomes a blood sport. If they are married they are usually married to equally intelligent, equally successful women. If they are not married or divorced they will date competitively.

When a man like this realizes there is something missing in his life he will tend to direct his formidable analytic skills towards solving the problem. The modern mistress knows all this and when a man is ready she has positioned herself as the very best solution he could want.

You will have noticed that to discuss the modern mistress we begin with a sketch of the modern patron. Which is a critical piece of information about the perspective the modern mistress adopts.

The rise of feminist consciousness has, superficially, created the impression that a basic equality between men and women has been achieved. Even more superficially, there is a sense that men and women are, basically, the same. The modern mistress, while she may demand equal rights in the workplace, understands intuitively that men and women are very different indeed.

The key insight, the insight which is at the core of the modern mistress relationship, is that a successful, driven, competitive alpha male does needs one place in his life which is absolutely non-competitive. Where, just by showing up, he has already won. And where winning does not matter. Where he can actually relax and, for a few hours, be taken care of, taken in hand, pampered and, at the same time, stimulated.

The company of an intelligent, feminine, attractive women who, other than her allowance and the occasional nice gift, does not want anything from her patron, is not trying to advance her career or get financing for a project, who is paying full attention to what he wants to speak about, is what a modern mistress offers.

For the modern mistress the goal is to offer her patron a deeply feminine oasis in the middle of his driven life. A bit of time which is outside the demands of his business, his family, his obligations. In exchange for which she is very well taken care of.

Of course there will be time in the bedroom – what is an oasis without its spring – but there will also be dinners out and simple, delicious edibles in. The modern mistress entertains her patron, gives him the safe, luxurious, space where he can be himself. No judgement, no expectations; just an easy respite from his intense life.

The modern mistress, in exchange, is given the gift of time. Because she is well taken care of, she can spend her days engaged with what she cares about without having to worry too terribly much about making a living. From interning to making art to simply leading a pleasing life, a modern mistress uses her time to please herself. As she should.

Chapter 2 | The Mistress, Pantsuit Nation and the “Male Sex Deficit”

One of the internet’s great pleasures is the ability to read newspapers from other countries. In England’s Telegraph there is an interview with sociologist Dr. Catherine Hakim who has just written a report on what she calls the “male sex deficit” for a British think tank, the Institute for Economic Affairs.

“Dr Hakim calls this gender difference in libido “the male sex deficit”. To cater for it, she believes we need to not only legalise prostitution but encourage women to “cash in” by making money as mistresses while they are still “young and attractive”.”

In her Telegraph interview, Dr. Hakim goes on to say,

“It’s a shocking difference: men are twice as interested in sex as women and it is the same around the world. Surveys show we see the male sex deficit in Sweden, France, Spain, Japan and South America.

“It is hard-wired into us: men, on average, are more highly sexed than women. You can’t call it biological, as that implies it is animalistic: it allows critics to dismiss it.

“It’s across all age groups, but as soon as you hit 30, the gap starts growing dramatically. For a lot of women, the decline in sexual interest is closely linked to having children and they just don’t regain it afterwards. But the evidence is it happens as we age even without children”.

Thus Dr. Hakim argues older men are drawn to younger women not just for their looks, but for their libidos.

“With a 20-year age gap, you get women who have the same level of sexual interest as men,” she says. “You would expect that as women get richer and more powerful as they get older there would be a strong demand for buying toy boys – but there isn’t.”

On the one hand it is amazing that this fact about men and women causes any consternation at all. On the other, Dr. Hakim’s proposed cure for the “male sex deficit” has raised more than a few eyebrows. Asked if there was anything women could do about this Dr. Hakim replied,

“They can exploit the male sexual deficit by making huge amounts of money when they’re young and attractive by offering sexual services,” says Dr Hakim. “That’s exactly what’s happening. Students are dabbling part time in the sex industry and make a fortune. They quite like the idea of lots of sex: they have raging hormones like young men.”

As you might expect Dr. Hakim analysis has been attacked but her prescription – solve the male sex deficit through the marketplace has united feminists and conservatives in furious opposition. Especially in her home country, England. Something which Dr. Hakim expected,

“Northern Europe and America – the Anglo Saxon cultures – are profoundly sex-negative, whereas southern Europe, Japan, China are sex positive cultures.”

Maximizing the Obvious

If you are a mistress or a sugar baby or are thinking of these as options, Dr. Hakim’s observations are hardly news. In fact, the mistress-hood itself would pretty much end if, somehow, the male sex deficit suddenly ended.

What Dr. Hakim brings to the mix is the idea that market economics are the mistress’s friend. What she is missing is that really successful mistresses are not dealing exclusively with a male sex deficit; rather they are exploring the opportunities presented by sex positive women in a sex negative culture. Put another way, sex is a part of mistressing but the real money is driven by a set of different impulses which mainstream Anglo-Saxon cultures treat with, at best suspicion and, at worst, criminalization.

Men, also known as “the mistress’s potential patrons”, live in what might be described as a politically correct, feminized culture. It is a culture driven by an attempt to regularize and normalize male behavior. But it is also a culture where women, no doubt for good reasons, have not simply abandoned sex but they have also abandoned the idea of femininity.

Pantsuit Nation

Around 60% of women over 16 work for a living in the United States. This is up from 45% in the 1970’s (and still lower than many European nations). Within the working world women face many challenges and one of the most fundamental is being taken seriously. There are many reasons for this but the upshot has been that many working women have adopted a dress and style which deliberately downplays their femininity. (And, yes, that is a sweeping generalization and there are all sorts of exceptions; but they don’t matter for this particular argument.)

Even women who are not in the work force have tended towards a look which is strikingly desexualized. Go to your local mall or off on the school run and count the number of women wearing skirts, much less dresses.

There are good, practical reasons why women have adopted easy, comfortable clothing even at the expense of their femininity. After all, they have a lot to do, places to go, minivans to drive. And, if they are married with kids they are “off the market” anyway so what does it matter?

At work, a woman who consistently wears feminine clothing and pretty heels may find herself the occasional object of unwelcome male attention but she will certainly run into a fair bit of flack from her fellow female co-workers. It is astonishing how quickly a bit of pressure will lead to conformity to the “office uniform”. (We’ll leave clothing as a status marker for another day.)

The fact is that women can be astonishingly nasty and very effective in dealing with what they perceive to be competitive threats from other women. (And, yes there is science backing that up.)

The upshot of all of this is that there is far more than a “male sex deficit” at play in the modern world. There is a profound scarcity of sexual differentiation and, I fear, an anti-feminine, anti-glamour bias at the heart of most men’s lives at home and at work.

Time and Attention: the Mistress’s Secret Weapons

If, as Dr. Hakim suggests, the male sex deficit drives men to the mistress’s door, what keeps them coming back and what keeps them paying well over the odds for a quick bit of “deficit easing” is unlikely to be the simple sexual activities which are often the conclusion to an mistress encounter.

While men certainly do not like the relative scarcity of a rollicking good time in bed, the clever mistress recognizes that men are missing a great deal more than that in their day to day lives. Actually thinking about what those missing things are will give a mistress a tremendous advantage in her encounters and in her business. It will also enable mistresses who are no longer young or not model gorgeous to do as well or better than the young and beautiful.

When a man hires a mistress the first thing he is giving himself is time. Whether an hour or an evening or a weekend, when a man is with a mistress he is, to a large degree, off the radar. Whatever the demands of his job and his family and his friends, when he is at your apartment they are on the other side of your door. Where women have all manner of coping mechanisms for the stress in their lives – girlfriends, shopping, therapy, rom coms – men tend to have fewer acceptable ways of gaining “me” time.

A successful mistress will work very hard to create and maintain the illusion that time with her is time away from the madness of everyday life. Simply having a calm, minimalist, soothing environment already puts the mistress outside her clients’ everyday experience.

The second gift a mistress can give her client is attention. Depending on his place in the grand corporate hierarchy, her client is either constantly clamoring for his superiors’ attention or having his time wasted by people who want his attention for their own ends. At home, many men find themselves cast as chauffeur to their children and helpful drone to their wives.

When a man visits a mistress, for their time together, he is the focus of her attention. Yes, some of that attention will be sexual: putting his pleasure first is what mistresses do best. But the mistress’s attention is focused from the moment her client calls to book a date to the point where her door closes. It is a terrific gift. For an hour or two the mistress’s client can talk about what he wants to, finish his sentences, enjoy the sensual pleasures a girl can give a man. After all, if the mistress is doing it right, everything she does from her pre-date preparations to her choice of lingerie to her hair and make-up, refreshments and even her conversation will be focused on her client’s needs and desires.

All the more so because she sees her patron regularly. Because, after a couple of encounters, a mistress will have a very good idea of exactly what sort of attention suits her client best. Of course she’ll know about his preferences in bed and be more able to accommodate those as well. But she will also know much more about how he likes her to dress, what he likes to do at the beginning of a date and how he likes an encounter to proceed. The reason why her client is a regular is that she has been paying very close attention to his actual desires. It is an extremely powerful and attractive change of pace.

The Femininity Deficit

Dr. Hakim’s “male sex deficit” is a fairly crude analysis of the reasons why paid companionship can be a very lucrative option for women. Crude because it is focused on a single factor. However, what men are missing and what girls can provide at great benefit to themselves is more subtle than that. Time and attention are two gifts; but who are they given by?

Women obviously. But an ambitious mistress soon realizes that her patrons arrive with certain implicit expectations and that if she meets those expectations she can command excellent compensation and long term loyalty. While there is certainly lots of room for “service providers” who attend to the basics of the male sex deficit, the girls who become mistresses can ask for and get far more money meet other, equally urgent, but more subtle needs.

Many men have a deeply internalized sense of the feminine. Internalized in many cases because we live in a politically correct world where expressing the desires which come from this sense of the feminine is seen as inappropriate and problematic. A man asking his wife to wear more feminine clothing is a potential minefield. Commenting in any way on a female co-worker’s clothing can and does get men fired.

Stepping outside Pantsuit Nation for a few hours is as transgressive and as sexy as much of the consenting adult activity a mistress encounter may involve. All of a sudden a man is in a situation with a woman who is delighted to be seen as a woman.

In an instant, all the practical matters of being taken seriously or being comfortable in the minivan no longer matter: for the clever mistress revels in all of the feminine delights of a very different world. It is often said that a man’s mistress has an unfair advantage over his wife. After all, her life contains no children, no uninteresting job to make the mortgage payments, no endless housework. Or, to be more accurate, a mistress is not going to let her patron see any of those backstage details. Instead, she is going to create the illusion of glamour, sensuality and luxury as she entertains her patron.

Every girl will create this illusion differently and many patrons will want particular items which a savvy mistress will be delighted to include. However the most basic element of the illusion is that a mistress comes to her encounters with an almost exaggerated sense of feminine style.

Where office girls look to have their hair “tidy”, a mistress can go for a tussled, bed head look; pantsuits are exchanged for dresses, sensible flats for pleasing heels, nude lipstick for a hint of scarlet. Easy care manmade fabrics are switched out for cottons, linens, silk and cashmere. Practical lingerie? Save it for the carpool: stockings, garter belts, lacy cup bras and pretty panties as well as slips and clever negligées are all part of the magic.

At the same time, the illusion of the feminine is maintained with a very basic attitude. Where the office girls are fighting for equality, the mistress assumes the superiority of the feminine. She sets the expectations for her encounters and she sets them high. Understanding the old school conception of femininity and bringing that attitude to her mistress encounters means a girl is able to offer her patron a glimpse into a gentler, more sensual, age.

And, of course, this feminine ideal extends to a mistress’s home. To charge top dollar for her time, a mistress needs to understand that the sorts of patrons who will pay that dollar are looking for a complete experience. I often remark that men are visual creatures. While they will not necessarily notice the clean lines and well thought out décor of your apartment, they will notice piles of old receipts or undone laundry behind the door.

Mistresses are very much a luxury purchase. A man at this level is not paying top rates to have his “male sex deficit” serviced. What he is buying is a complete experience with a buffed, polished feminine woman.

Of course it is a fantasy. Of course he is not going to encounter this sort of gorgeous creature among the office drudges and soccer moms of real life. And that is exactly what the higher levels of the mistress experience are offering: soft lights, lots of lace, soft hands and a gentle enthusiasm are all part of the experience.

Back to the Future

Dr. Hakim’s male sex deficit disguises a more basic fact about Western, and specifically, Anglo-Saxon influenced societies: the drive towards women’s equality has, officially, displaced more traditional feminine roles and marginalized men who appreciate those roles. Pantsuit Nation is triumphant and, officially, men and women have accepted the desexualized female ideal it promotes.

Unofficially, many men – and many women – enjoy taking vacations from the rigid strictures of Pantsuit Nation. They enjoy the delights of politically incorrect and relentlessly impractical femininity. And, unofficially, the fashion and beauty industries cater to the politically incorrect desire of many women to look beautiful, feminine and, indeed, sexy.

At the intersection of Pantsuit Nation’s anti-feminine orthodoxy and the unofficial, but unsuppressed, culture of feminine fashion, style, beauty and desire, mistresses pitch their tents. What they are offering is a glimpse into a world where men are allowed to enjoy women without worrying about crossing the invisible lines of “appropriate behavior” which constrain the “real” world.

The good girls of Pantsuit Nation see this as an unfortunate failure of men to evolve and align with the sex-negative world view of enlightened people everywhere. Mistresses and sugar babies understand this as a huge opportunity to let men be men in a safe, sexy and relaxing environment. There is no “battle of the sexes”; they both come out winning.

Men actually do know what they are missing; but Pantsuit Nation has made it problematic for their desires to be mentioned in polite company. Clever, creative mistresses have the opportunity to have all the fun of being a girl while being very well paid for catering to their patron’s needs and desires.

The alpha men are already bored in their man caves. Fast cars and good wine have their place; but the real satisfaction lies in the boudoir of a feminine, graceful, woman who promises and delivers glamour, luxury and pleasure in equal measure. With the right mistress the male sex deficit will take care of itself. And so will all the rest.

Chapter 3 | The Mistress as a Luxury Item

In a recent Economist article on escorting, an escort explained that for most of her clients, hiring an escort was “a luxury”. Which, when you stop and think about it, is certainly true. However, a mistress is far more luxurious because she is more expensive, more difficult to find and adds luster to any man she sees.

Luxury is a market segment all on its own. We most commonly associate it with designer fashion, uber expensive handbags, five-star hotels, amazing watches and very fast cars. Well-known and well-recognized luxury brands include Cartier, Tiffany, Hermes, Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Ferrari, Lamborghini, The Ritz, and dozens of other niche players. The world-wide value of the luxury goods market is on the order of $300 billion dollars and the market is growing 3-5% a year.

Now, other than coveting these designer labels, a business savvy mistress should be asking – But what does this have to do with my business? The answer is that when a mistress is considering how she wants her business to operate, it is worthwhile examining how the luxury business actually works.

Price is a Signal

Kate Spade makes very nice handbags. A top-handle, leather Kate Spade bag on her website comes in at $398. Prada also makes lovely bags. A top-handle, leather, Prada bag on its website starts at $1,995 and goes as high as $10,200. (Interestingly, the most expensive of the top-handled bags is the only one which does not have the Prada label on the outside of it – apparently discretion is the ultimate luxury.)

So, other than price, what’s the difference? Well, functionally, not a lot. The Prada leather may be a little finer and the stitching a bit more precise; but the reality is that each will keep your wallet, smart phone, and lipstick where you can find them.

The actual difference is two-fold: first, brand cachet. A Prada bag signals status, affluence and style; secondly, target market and volume. Kate Spade is practically the signature bag of the middle class soccer mum. While there are nearly 100 Kate Spade stores, the bags are also available in upmarket department stores in malls. Prada, is aimed at the affluent. While Prada bags are available in high-end stores like Saks, Norstroms, and Neiman Marcus, the full range is only available at their flagship stores.

A Prada bag costs nearly ten times as much as a Kate Spade bag and style conscious women know that. The effect is that while Kate Spade is certainly practical and tasteful, it lacks the distinction of Prada. Kate Spade may very well sell ten times as many bags – numbers in the fashion business are tough to get – but many (I’d say “all”, but I’m sure my editor would accuse me of hyperbole) of the women who have Kate Spade bags aspire to Prada.

So how does a mistress become a luxury purchase? How can a girl position herself in the upper echelon of the mistress market? And just what is it that sets the $10,000 a month mistress apart from $2500 a month sugar baby? Obviously, keeping a mistress is not a necessity, and most mistresses earn the sugar baby rate for the city they live in. But, like the luxury goods we just discussed, there exists a small but desirable end of the market for which a higher price signals a more desirable experience. The price indicates that this escort is offering something special.

One of our luxury escort friends explained it this way,

My clients only buy the best. How do they tell what is the best? Sure, they look at my website and my pictures; but there are lots of pretty girls in the escorting business. So they look at my fees.

They are used to paying $750 to $1,000 an hour for their lawyers and their accountants. Their wife has just bought one of those bags which cost as much as a car. My rates are a little shocking, but compared to the bag or the lawyer? Well, as one client told me, “Once in a while you have to treat yourself.”

I get the occasional call where the prospective client thinks my fee is a misprint, an extra zero. Or they will challenge me to justify my rate compared with the other lower priced escorts. I am beautiful, highly educated, and well-traveled. So I tell them you get what you pay for, and if you don’t like my fee, then call someone cheaper. Many are so darn curious, and impressed at my audacity that they book with me. But the majority of my calls are from gentlemen for whom a couple of thousand dollars is what they might spend on a client dinner or a really good half case of wine.

Having high fees means that I don’t waste a lot of time with men I really don’t want to see. They take a look at the rates and don’t call. Saves me a lot of time. I want quality not quantity.

In the escorting world price is a signal, in the mistress world it is a value proposition in itself. When a man has “made it” he feels entitled to the best his world has to offer. He buys a Porsche or a Bentley, he upgrades his watch, he drinks better wines and single malt scotch. His wife gets a bigger house. How does he know he is getting the best his world has to offer? Price.

Very few very successful men have the time or the inclination for connoisseurship; they know a $150,000 car is better than a $25,000 car, a $400 bottle of wine better than a $40 and so on. They might not get everything exactly right going by price but price is a reliable guide most of the time.

A mistress negotiating an arrangement needs to keep this in mind. A nice apartment plus an allowance and pleasing gifts are, in fact, expensive. Which tells her patron that he is getting the best he can buy. After all, a man does not need a mistress any more than he “needs” a Bentley; but if he is going to spend the money he wants to know he is getting the best.

Style

To move up the luxury ladder even further, take a look at a Hermes handbag. Each one is sleek, understated, predominantly in a neutral colours and without much in the way of ornamentation. They are the very opposite of “bling”.

Style is difficult to get right, but it is very easy to get wrong. Developing a style, and ultimately a signature style, is the mistress’s first order of business. The fact is that if a mistress she is going to be expensive, she has to look expensive. A glance at Town and Country or Tatler magazine reveals one of the great secrets of the jet set: they wear well-made, expertly tailored clothes, real jewelry, minimal make-up, and great shoes. And they wear it well, with a slender physique, luminous skin, and glossy hair. In other words, they spend time and money taking care of themselves.

For a mistress wanting to charge luxury rates, cultivating a polished look is critical. It does not have to be expensive, it does have to be impeccable. A crisp white cotton shirt and a Dior-inspired pencil skirt and nipped-waist jacket can be found in vintage and consignment shops. Seek out classic lines in exquisite natural fabrications (silk, wool, cashmere for example), in shapes that fit and flatter. From day to evening; casual to elegant, you will always look well-dressed.

Details

Luxury is also about getting the little things right. A great haircut, perfect nails should be givens. Absolutely fabulous accessories like a bold cuff bracelet, a brilliantly bright scarf and, yes, an envy-inciting handbag, are all part of the panache you are after.

A mistres can learn a lot from the luxury brands leaders and one of the key lessons is that understated looks far more expensive than fussy, complicated and overwrought.

Let the Luxury Market Find You

When a man is looking for a mistress, he has all sorts of options as to where to look. If he’s looking, he has already decided to give himself a treat, the question is, will that treat be you?

Patrons divide themselves into market segments just as ladies shopping for a handbag do. For some patrons, price is the most important factor. They make their selection based mainly on price. These bargain shoppers may be a large part of the market, but the savvy mistress avoids these clients like the plague. Deal hunting defeats the logic of the mistress experience as a luxury.

A discreet ad can give a gentleman the nudge in your direction he needs.

Some examples:

Beautiful, stylish, one-of-a-kind woman seeks sophisticated, charming gentleman with taste and discernment for intimate encounters and more.

Living life in the fast lane? No time to smell the roses? Enjoy the finer things in life with a gorgeous, sensual Masters student with time to teach you the erotic arts. Downtown loft, but willing to join you for travel adventures by yacht, jet, or other elegant conveyances.

Tall, leggy blond model moonlighting as mistress for a selective gentlemen. Looks great on the arm of a tuxedo, brilliant at dinner or cocktail conversation, and can make your heart race faster than your Porsche.

Sheep from Goats

For a girl looking to become a mistress in the luxury end of the market, raw numbers mean very little. To provide the luxury experience she will likely meet a dozen men before the right one surfaces.

A luxury mistress is never in a hurry to get to business. A fact which she makes a virtue of.  A mistress will usually meet a potential patron, often over a meal, on a no obligation basis. Although this takes time as the mistress has to be dressed up, made up, and entirely entrancing for what is almost certainly a no cash encounter. But for the luxury mistress this is time well spent because each meeting has some potential.

The preliminary encounter almost always take place at an elegant café or charming, quiet bar. The mistress will have told her prospective patron to leave his name with the maître d' or hostess so that when she arrives, always exactly on time, she is lead directly to her prospective patron’s table.

And so she assesses. Does he rise to meet her? Does he shake hands? If he does, does he have the firm grip of a successful man or is it a bit weak? Not a deal breaker, but she notices.

Ring finger? It can be one of three things: wearing a wedding ring, having a telltale ring “tan”, or bare. The ring tan is a flaw but not a fatal one. It suggests that the potential patron is concerned that you will know he is married. Which suggests either naiveté (doesn’t he realize that many patrons are married?), or a lack of confidence in the discretion and worldliness of a mistress.

Years ago, one would check a man’s watch for the unmistakable signs of both wealth and taste. Now many men do not wear watches, using their phones for time-keeping and, sadly, there are far more counterfeit Rolexes than real ones. The watch is now more about the gentleman’s refined taste than an indicator of status. The mistress can probably tell more about him by looking carefully at his shoes. Even the most casual outfit brings with it footwear and the state of his shoes, their polish, condition, and style will often reveal much more about the man than the outfit itself.

What is her prospective patron wearing? Again, years ago, the suit and tie were de rigeur and still are in some cities and professions. However, in many others a T-shirt and blue jeans may be the indicators of the entrepreneur or an artsy or high-tech industry. The actual outfit is less significant than the quality. Ralph Lauren does casual wear, so does Costco. One of these things is not like the other, to quote Sesame Street.

On a less superficial level, the mistress takes in everything from her prospective client’s appearance, to his demeanor, to how he interacts with the service staff, and, of course, with her. Since she has already done the online vetting any mistress will do with a prospective patron, now she wants to get to know the man. Rather obviously, she does not pull out a clip board and check list. Rather a mistress will guide the conversation in directions which will give her a picture of who she is dealing with. Generally, people like to talk about themselves if they are comfortable in the environment and open-ended questions offer a lead to conversation. Vacations, sports, movies, favorite cuisines and restaurants – all give a glimpse into the prospective patron’s interests and personality. In all you say, you should make it apparent that you respect his privacy. If he offers information about his business, fine. If not, you might ask a general question like what type of work he does, but never in a prying sort of way.  And a well-mannered gentleman will always give the woman the opportunity to talk about herself as well.

The power dynamic in a vetting encounter is a delicate balance. On the one hand, she is interviewing a prospective patron so is very much in charge; on the other, she is being judged as being either suitable or unsuitable. She is both the seller and the merchandise, offering the promise of performance and pleasure by way of a very expensive and exclusive service. She is putting herself on display before a buyer.

Like any other appointment, the preliminary interview has a time limit frame: forty-five minutes to an hour is more than enough time for both parties to form an impression.

Closing

Some potential patrons, and some potential mistresses will fail their audition. For one reason or another it isn’t going to happen. A graceful exit can be achieved by nothing more than smile, a handshake, and a thank you. Conclude the conversation without any drama or hurt feelings. You are both adults. It’s a big, wide world.

One luxury girl I know is very much a master of this.

“I have a little daybook in my bag and a pretty Mont Blanc ladies pen. If I decide to take a man on my roster, I get out my book just as we are at the end of our first drink and say something like, ‘Thank you so much for the drink. I’d very much like to see you again in more intimate surroundings.’ Then I uncap the pen and open my book, ‘How would this Thursday around 5:00 work for you?’”

“The best part about this is that the gentleman is now on the spot, but still in some control. He can make the date, suggest another one, or demur altogether. But if he hesitates I almost always strike him off the list. I don’t need indecision in my business. Once he is booked, I give him my pretty card with the time and date.”

Luxury Mistress

Once a girl sets herself up to be a luxury mistress with a patron or two and a very handsome allowance, she enters a rather rarified world. The expectations are a sky high, the money is delightful and the actual work is usually congenial.

Now, isn’t that a luxury!

Chapter 4 | Seeking Arrangement

There are a vast variety of ways for a girl to be compensated for her time and favours. While the by the hour, multiple client model is preferred by the girls who advertise on the Backpages and similar sites or work through agencies, the "by arrangement" model can be just as lucrative with many of the risks and difficulties removed.

A typical arrangement has a well off man pay a girl an allowance in exchange for her company. But, truth to tell, there are no "typical” arrangements; rather there are negotiations which lead to informal contracts.

What characterizes arrangements is that they are usually for several months if not longer and involve, at least, a fixed monthly fee.

While some people will describe this as a "sugar daddy/sugar baby" set up I prefer to use the more old fashioned terms "patron and mistress". This is not accidental. The "sugar" world is tied tightly to what I'd describe as bling culture. The sugar relationship lasts only as long as it takes the baby to grab the bling and the daddy to find his next babe. Fine if you like that sort of thing but it is more "Lunch at Walmart" than "Breakfast at Tiffany's".

The Mistress Equation
An arrangement between a patron and his mistress is an all together different enterprise. First off, if bling is involved it is high end and delightfully elegant. Good diamond earrings, pretty gold bracelets and discretely designer clothes; but these kind gifts are not the point. The point is to have an allowance large enough to cover rent, bills, walking around money and, after a few months, a car and vacations as well.

The logic of mistresshood is summed up in this wonderful line, "Money is the tribute age pays to beauty."

At a certain age and level of success a man has options. He has the house, the other house, the cars, the kids in prep school or college, his wife busy with her own life, his business humming along. He may not be the one percent, but by God, he's in the top ten percent. And yet he's, somehow, not quite there, a bit bored, a little tiny piece of him is asking, is that all there is?

To reach his level he has a lot of drive. When he is unsatisfied he does not let the itch go unscratched. Now he's looking around.

The dumb ones put the squeeze on their secretary or an intern. But, in these enlightened times that is a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. Worse, the terms of trade are terrible: she'll want to be his girlfriend or to replace his wife and that is a 50% of net worth proposition. Divorce is ugly and expensive if you have substantial assets.

Philandering, having an affair, is an intelligence test for a well-off man. The smart ones pass the test by staying the hell away from girls whose main chance is to become the next "Mrs X". Far too much to pay for what is likely to be a fling.

For fun they might, occasionally, spend some quality time with a very high end, very discreet, escort. The only problem being, as Mr. Spitzer found out, even the highest end, most expensive, girls can be compromised. Their agency gets busted, they hit a rough patch, someone leans on them; doesn't matter why because the gentleman's cover is blown.

Even if a gentleman is a regular client of an escort their encounters are, by definition, transactional. He is buying a set amount of her time and enjoying her favours along with twenty or thirty or fifty other men on a monthly basis. Even the best escorts, over time, tend to see all of their clients as a bit of a blur. The personalized attention a successful man is used to is just not on the menu.

Keeping a mistress is entirely different because the relationship is protected by simple, easy, subterfuge.

First off, you can't "book" a mistress through an agency. Which means there are no incriminating paper trails. Rather, a man seeking a mistress has to find her himself. Second, a girl seeking an arrangement has a wide variety of ways to find the arrangement she's looking for. She can advertise, join one of the many websites which put mistresses and patrons together or simply place herself in environments where wealthy me are likely to be found.

A mistress's primary qualification is that she is an available woman who chooses to look for money rather than love and commitment. While she may very well want a white picket fence and babies she does not want his fence or his babies.

A great mistress ad might read:

A Muse

At 27 I am accomplished, clever, sensual. I love my books, my work, my lovely vintage lingerie.

I am seeking an arrangement with a smart, older, discerning, gentleman with taste, savvy and discretion.

For me life is about conversation, learning and pleasure. I want to be led a little while I inspire.

I am entirely discreet. Private. Your secret.

-----

If there is a picture with the ad it is best that it is nothing but a pretty dress. A mistress is never wholly revealed, let alone on first sight. What your ad, profile is designed to elicit is response. Most responses will be hopeless. And you must be brutal. If you don't like the response there is no point in chatting. The right patron will have the words to reach you.

And there is another difference between an escort and a mistress: a mistress is hugely choosey. She is be delighted to be paid for her favours but not just anyone can buy them. In this sense a mistress is much more like a girlfriend.

For a girl seeking an arrangement there is a balance between cash and chemistry. There is also, in many cases, an element of mentorship. Looking for a patron who can be helpful, whether by steering business in her direction or getting her a good day job, only makes sense for an ambitious young woman.

Negotiation

The exact nature of the patron/mistress relationship is always the subject of negotiation and will evolve as the relationship progresses. But there are a couple of constants. First, the patron will want to see his mistress once or twice a week. Chances are very good that he will want intimacy as a part of each encounter. In most cases these encounters will either be at, or end up, in the mistress’s apartment or condo.

A wise mistress makes sure that these encounters are about far more than a roll in designer sheets for the simple reason that her patron can buy that almost anywhere. While a patron will certainly expect a good deal of pleasure, a clever mistress makes sure that there is much more to the encounters.

Part of what the patron is paying for is the company of a pretty, well groomed, pleasing young (or not) woman who puts him first. He is not just paying for sex, he is paying for intelligent, focused conversation. And the luxury of being the center of attention.

So, while a mistress will certainly cater to her patron’s sexual desires she will also make it her business to cater to the rest of his desires: what does he love to eat? What is his favorite drink? How does he like her dressed? Does he love stockings and lacy lingerie or does he prefer her naked under a semi-sheer robe?

What, in fact, a patron is paying thousands of dollars a month for is a few hours a week of pure relaxation in the company of a woman who understands her job to be becoming his ideal woman. A fantasy. Of course, that ideal will vary from man to man. For one man it might be nothing more complicated that watching Monday night football with cold beer at the ready and plenty of off-field half time pleasure. For another it might be a chance to really discuss the week’s business activities with a sympathetic, but uninvolved, listener.

A good mistress learns as she goes. While the first few encounters may be a little awkward, things usually smooth out as she gets to know her patron. The point of having a mistress, along with sex, is for a man to have one woman in his life whose entire focus when he is with her is his deep satisfaction.

The truth is that most highly successful men have endless conflicts, endless demands, on their time and their attention. Often, if they are married, their wives have morphed into high powered women in their own right. Meaning they bring their own set of demands and conflicts right into the matrimonial bed. While men may think they are taking a mistress for sex, in most cases they will keep a mistress because, alone of all the people they know, she will give him her full attention without expecting anything – except her allowance – in return.

Recognizing that, a mistress needs to come fully prepared to her first meeting with a prospective patron. Of course she will be nicely dressed. Of course her hair will gleam and her light makeup will be perfect. For that first meeting, always in a public place, usually over a meal, a mistress is about the promise of things to come if a satisfactory arrangement can be reached.

Before a mistress even takes a meeting with a prospective patron she will have done her homework. The internet is a wonderful tool. A successful man leaves tracks. A Linked-In profile, press coverage, company profiles: an hour’s time rooting around in Google will tell you a lot about your potential patron. If he checks out then you confirm the meeting.

When you are going into a negotiation it is important to know what your own goal is. An allowance – great, how much? This is a business arrangement so having a figure in mind is important. What could you live with? What would make you happy? These are two different numbers. But they give you a negotiating range. How long do you want the arrangement to last before coming up for renewal? (Three months is a good minimum, a year is a good time to re-evaluate.)

Remember that your potential patron is not in the position to keep a mistress because he is a business idiot. He has negotiated hundreds, possibly thousands, of deals. It is his element. So let him structure your arrangement. For business reasons of his own he might want to pay the rent and sign the lease corporately. He may want to have you come on as a consultant and invoice monthly. What you are looking for is the right number, how he gets to the right number is up to him. However, no matter how he arrives there you need to make sure that at least 2/3 of the money is paid directly to you. And you need to make it very clear that your allowance is a fee for service. Expenses are always extra. If he wants smoked salmon, Taittinger Champagne and you in a pretty silk nightie, he needs to make sure to leave you a few hundred dollars a week in luxury money. And he needs to know this upfront.

It is much better for a mistress to tell her potential patron all about the costs of his mistress at the outset rather than to have money come up when the affair is launched. If he blinks, the question is whether he is blinking at the expense or because he can’t afford the expense. If the later it is time to wrap up the conversation.

Time and Exclusivity

The other two major terms of the arrangement are your time and the question of exclusivity. Being very clear on your time commitment makes everything go more smoothly. An evening or afternoon a week is a good starting point. But there is nothing wrong with the occasional long lunch or weekend away. The point is to be clear at the outset. (In this cyber age, it is wise to touch on calls, texts and emails: some are lovely, lots can be annoying. And make sure he has a secure phone in case you want to send him a fun little selfie.)

Exclusivity is a bit more complicated. The truth is that there is no reason a girl cannot entertain more than one patron. Or have a real boyfriend. Or operate as an escort. A busy patron need never find out so long as his mistress is clever about her arrangements. And many patrons would prefer not to know or are even a bit relieved that they are not their mistress’s[U1][U2][U3] sole support. It depends on the patron. Of course there are some patrons for whom a mistress’s fidelity is a very big deal indeed. Building that fact into your compensation package is not a bad idea. A businessman understands that an exclusive supplier agreement means that you would be giving up additional income. If that’s what he wants he needs to be willing to pay for it.

A final note: a great mistress is a wife’s secret best friend. The reality is that a man who answers a “seeking arrangement” ad is already looking around. By taking a mistress he is committing to a purely financial relationship which does not threaten his wife, his home or his reputation. A mistress is discreet by nature and the very opposite of the dramatic intern arriving at midnight crying her eyes out. “No drama” is one of the things a patron pays for and a mistress delivers.

In fact, by channeling a patron’s erotic and emotional energy, a mistress tends to keep a couple together. It is in her interest for her patron to have a home to go home to.

Seeking an arrangement lets a girl improve her income, gain a mentor, have a bit of security and avoid some of the hazards of an uncaring world. The right arrangement can be great fun and go on for years. The very years a young woman could use the most help.

Chapter 5 | Get Glossy – Level Up Your Look

There are literally hundreds of make-up styles, haircuts, manicures and grooming tips a girl can use to change her look (see Youtube for everything and more). But if you look closely at gorgeous women – and your potential patrons want you as gorgeous as you can get – they have a sort of shimmer which comes through no matter how they are dressed or where they are. It’s an inner confidence and outer polish that adds up to a look that turns heads and attracts envy. It is this unmistakable allure which allows them to forget about themselves and focus on the world, the task at hand, and, most importantly, the person they are with. These are women who are not continually fussing, and primping and priming. They don’t need a mirror to know they look beautiful.

How to get that glossy look?

Gorgeous Hair

A really good hair cut is a brilliant thing, but is of little point if your hair is damaged, dull and lifeless. I found my wonderful stylist by stopping a woman on the street to ask who did her fabulous hair. She was flattered and even gave me a card from the salon (I have a feeling she has been asked before, and is wonderfully prepared and gracious when it happens).

A good haircut is the foundation for your look so take the time to discuss what works for your hair type and face shape with the stylist before having anything done. Book a consultation before you commit to an appointment. That way you can decide whether you and the stylist are compatible and comfortable with each other. Trusting someone with you hair is a huge leap of faith. Tell him/her what you want and like but also ask what they recommend. A stranger can see you in an objective way you can’t and sometimes a push out of your comfort zone is just what you need to go from cute to gorgeous. Look through magazines and bring in hairstyles you like. This way the stylist will clearly understand the look you want to achieve. Another tip is to be honest about the amount of time and effort you are willing to spend on your hair at home. Happily, wash and wear hair with sexy, tousled beachy waves is very in vogue right now.

Gorgeous Skin

Healthy, well-cared for skin glows. It is luminous, radiant. You don’t have to spend a fortune on designer skincare products to transform your skin. In fact, less is usually best. There is however, one item that no one should be without: sun block. It is essential to apply it every day---yes, year round---to avoid skin damage like pigmentation, wrinkles, leathery skin, and skin cancer. Opt for a SPF 30 minimum, more if you are spending a lot of time at the beach. Don’t think a foundation with SPF built in is going to be enough. It’s not. Protect your lips, neck, décolletage, feet and hands as well. Buy a stunning hat and sunglasses. Sashay around the pool (and the city) like you are Greta Garbo.

Skin care products range from remarkably inexpensive – Nivea Cream for your feet and legs – to moderate – I use organic Dr. Hauschka---to shocking – Crème d’Mer. Any product will take some time to work so be patient and don’t expect miracles after one use. In fact, you sometimes need to try a few to find the specific products which are right for you. Do ask for help (and samples) from the pros at the beauty counters and do your research on line before you buy. But best advice? Whatever you choose, be consistent. Even the best cream can’t work if you don’t use it.

Take the time to pamper yourself by making your morning and evening skincare routine a delight rather than a chore. Splurge on a luxurious face towel, set your beauty products on a lovely tray in your bathroom, put cotton balls in a crystal dish instead of leaving them in the plastic bag… you get the idea. Remember beauty comes from within as well as skin deep. Feel as beautiful as you look.

Make up comes off every night. Religiously. No skipping because you are tired. And in terms of application, heavy foundations tend to make you look old, not glossy. Contouring is fine in moderation and lightly used. Highlighting your best asset (eyes? lips? cheekbones?) can make you shimmer. And always do a final check in daylight not just the bathroom mirror.

Healthy hair and glowing skin give you the basics for any look from Queen of the Night through Girl Next Door.

Mani/Pedi Perfection

Whether you leave it to a pro or do it yourself, keep nails short, neat, and polished. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.

While you can have a lot of fun at the nail salon with all sorts of glittery excess, all that does is make your nails look as if they are still in high school. Which, in turn, spoils the finished, healthy look a glossy girl is striving for. Much better to go with a neutral, light, shade of polish which will not show the inevitable chips and which you can maintain yourself. If you are off to a fabulous dinner date by all means move to that sexy scarlet many men adore. As long as you have been taking care of your nails there is no reason not to.

Whether fingernails or toenails, the darker the polish the more attention it draws. If you have pretty feet, lucky you, then a darker shade can be very effective.

Pearly Whites

You know the routine: brush, floss, visit your dentist. Then smile a lot.

Routinely bleaching your teeth either with the many excellent home products or at your dentists will give you a dazzling smile. Is there any such thing as teeth which are too white?

When you start making serious money you might want to consider cosmetic dentistry if you have dental issues. It is amazing what dentists are able to do in a non-invasive way.

Clean

To care properly for your skin, first figure out what sort of skin you have. The skin on your face is different from the skin on your elbow. You may have very oily facial skin but dry skin on your body. Pick your products accordingly.

Soap never touches my face, but a good morning scrub with a gentle soap in the shower is a great way to start the day. You want your skin to glow after a shower with gentle exfoliation. Use a loofah sponge and use gentle circular motions. You want the layer of dead cells and oils to be lifted away from your skin but you don’t want to scrub so hard that you damage the healthy live tissue just below the surface. In addition, you want to avoid the dull, dry, flaky skin which can result if you are using harsh soaps, hot hot water and rough towels. A good, inexpensive and widely available brand is the famous Dr. Bonner’s liquid soap. Its natural formulation is nourishing to the skin, and the peppermint formula is a morning eye-opener (and the bottle gives you something to read in the shower). Even Gwenyth Paltrow uses it. Go buy some. You can even use it to wash your lingerie, your floors, your sink.

Paying daily attention to your feet with a pumice bar at the end of your shower when your skin is soft will avoid calluses. A quick buffing and moisturizing every day means that there will be next to no build up for your next pedicure. Better still, your shoes, even your heels, will fit better and your stockings won’t snag. And speaking of smooth, Dr. B’s does double duty as a shaving foam.

The “girl on the go” shower sets you up for your busy day, but at the close, a long soak in a hot bath is a sensual transition towards evening. While the luxury of a glorious bubble bath with a glass of Chablis and a good book usually has to be reserved for off duty days, even the busiest mistress can take fifteen minutes to enjoy a bath.

Bath oils, bubble bath or a bath bomb is your ticket here. Epsom salts are a wonderful way to de-stress and unkink tense and sore muscles. A face cloth or soft sponge is all you really need if you had your exfoliating shower earlier.

Put on some music, light a scented candle, and just let your thoughts drift (no making a mental grocery list). And make sure you have a gorgeous, fluffy towel within easy reach. And remember to pat yourself dry rather than vigorous rubbing. Have a bathrobe nearby and you can move on to your evening makeup and dressing.

A Touch of Sun – Or Not?

Glossy girls look healthy. For many that means a little – and I do mean little – sun on face, arms and legs. Of course, the truth is that even a little sun is not brilliant for your skin. However, ten minutes of morning sun followed by sunscreen will keep your Vitamin D levels up. In the winter take Vitamin D supplements. There are many high quality brands and this vitamin is relatively inexpensive.  Sun-tanning itself is a terrible idea and don’t even think about a sunbed.

To get that golden bronzed glow without inflicting sun damage, there are excellent bronzers products available for every skin tone and type. But, for Heaven’s sake be selective. First off, no glossy girl is ever orange. Or yellow or any other colour which is not her own natural tan plus at most a couple of shades darker. Try samples and test them for a day. Remember that many fake tan products will actually darken with minimal exposure to actual sunlight. Second, understand that a fake all over tan is a huge commitment. It may be worth it but it takes time. Two pro tips: wear latex gloves when applying the tan to avoid the tell-tale tanned palms syndrome. Second, get a “buffing” mitten to work the tanning solution into your skin. Be prepared to wear a loose, dark, dress while your fake tan sets.

Critical point: with fake tanning products less is more and two shades lighter than you think you want is what you want. The era of the deep dark tan is over. Sun kissed is lovely and more than enough. If this just seems too much summertime wasted, embrace the luminous beauty of pale, perfect skin.

Glossy Girls Dress Simply

A famous fashion photographer, Irving Penn did most of his studio shots with just one light. Asked why, he explained that two lights were “just too complicated”.

A girl with swishy hair, meticulous grooming and glowing skin will look her best in simple clothes, but clever designs. The fact she is a mistress should never ever be apparent from how she dresses---no plunging necklines, skirts up to here, cheap fabrications, or shoes only found in a sex shop. You are the attraction and should never be upstaged by your dress.

While there are occasions where bows and frills and flounces may be called for, those are few and far between. A mistress can make a lasting impression with nothing more complicated than a little black dress for evening and a pencil skirt and white cotton shirt for day. A chic, monochromatic sundress for afternoon dates is ideal for summer. By streamlining her wardrobe to workhorse separates and coordinating colourways, a glossy girl is able to have really well-made clothes that fit (or are custom tailored to fit). (Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge is a prime example of a woman who has clothes crafted to fit. Jennifer Aniston famously has her t-shirts tailored. No, really, and you can too. Here’s the link.)

Just as her hair, make-up and nails have that finished look, a glossy girl chooses clothes that are flattering. When selecting wardrobe staples take into account your height, weight and body type rather than merely the latest trends. Classic wardrobe staples like a trench coat, white shirt, LBD, leather boots can be worn season after season. If you look after them. Polish and protect your boots after a day out in inclement weather. Store them with a boot tree insert to retain their shape. Iron your white shirts. Yes, you. You would be amazed what a little cornstarch in warm water does sprayed lightly on a cotton shirt or linen skirt. Sticking to natural fabrics – cotton, linen, wool and cashmere if you, or more importantly, your patron, can afford it – means that your wardrobe will look rich, even if you aren’t. (Yet.)

While I know girls barely know what stockings and hose are these days, stockings have a terrific ability to make good legs look great and give a finished look to any outfit. And even if they aren’t really your taste, savvy mistresses indulge in them because stockings are on the lust list of virtually every patron.

Jewelry, Bags and Shoes

This is a category that is the downfall of many a sensible girl. What is it about jewelry, handbags and shoes that can mesmerize said sensible girl to make her willingly, nay, eagerly, part with her hard-earned cash?

You know about Ebay, the realreal, Net-A-Porter, your local vintage and consignment stores. Just avoid paying full retail. Many “used” bags are sold with tags still on for a steep discount or worn only a couple of times. Beware of counterfeits, they are out there and hard to detect. All I can say is think twice, maybe thrice; then buy without regret.

But with bags, shoes and jewelry the glossy girl is looking for sleek, real and elegant. Two, simple, real gold or silver bangles are more elegant than an armful of obviously fake “jewels”. A plain, made by real Italians, buttery leather bag is more versatile and far more attractive than a bag which screams “fake” by being covered in logos. A pair of vinyl six inch heel, three inch platforms scream “stripper”, where a vintage pair of three inch heels in real leather, no platform, whisper “lady”. Glossy girls are always ladies.

Attitude

Nothing destroys a look like a slouch. Learn to walk, sit and move with grace.

Posture is a telling thing; it tends to reflect how a person feels about themselves. Standing up straight, walking deliberately, holding your head held high are positive signals. Projecting confidence into your world is a decision just like slouching is a decision. Glossy girls project confidence. They have worked hard to create their look, they have polished and edited and thought carefully about how they want others to see them. Even if they actually woke up on the wrong side of the bed and burnt the toast, they don’t let it show. By faking it, it doesn’t take long to shake the bad mood and really mean that bounce in your step.

Regardless of where a glossy girl’s life takes her, whether it is to a grand hotel for a sumptuous champagne dinner or just to her front door, she makes it clear she is worth it. If you think you are special; others will too. It’s that self-fulfilling prophesy working its magic.

Confidence can be a double-edged sword; beautiful women can be aloof, cold, impolite, demanding, shrill; in essence, better appreciated from a distance. Truly beautiful women are passionate about life, are interested in others and are kind and gracious. Their manners are impeccable, they are polite, friendly, extending compliments, commending excellent service, and asking questions and actually listening to the answers. At the same time, expecting to be treated as a lady goes with the territory. Doors are opened, arms offered. A lost art you say? It’s amazing how men will step up to the challenge when confronted with a beautiful woman who expects him to be a gentleman.

A confident mistress is almost always a much better off mistress. Her confidence, her certainty that she is worth every penny her patron is paying, means she tends to take charge of her encounters. Her glow, her glossy exterior, her clever clothes give her an edge which men will enjoy but which will also intimidate her patron just a little. This is a good thing.

Ultimately, a glossy girl has taken charge of her presentation and it shows. Her patrons will, at some level, “get it”. When they “get it” they will realize they have leveled up in the mistress game.

Glossy girls are more than meets the eye.

Chapter 6 | Dressing Up To Up Your Game

Building a distinctive profile as a mistress means standing out from the crowd. You don’t have to be the most beautiful girl, nor have the biggest breasts, nor offer the kinkiest encounters; but you need to be memorable, you need a distinctive style. How do you do that?

With a measure of style, a mistress will both attract the well-established patrons she seeks, and discourage the random cheapskates she doesn’t. Style is tied to persona and to brand – the persona is your mistress personality.

Dressing that garners admiration and turns heads requires a plan and some money – though not as much as you might think. It also takes a degree of commitment to taking good care of yourself. Most of all, you must believe that you are worth top dollar as a mistress and be determined to achieve it.

Rules

Rules are made for breaking but they can also streamline your life. Here are a few tips:

- Expensive women wear pale or monochromatic clothes

- Less is always more

- Shoes coordinate, they don’t necessarily match

- One good handbag in a neutral colour is sufficient

- Natural fibres – cotton, linen, wool look luxurious because they are

- Pretty lingerie is always the right choice

- A skirt or dress is almost always to be preferred to trousers unless you are yachting

- Simple, well-defined lines can conceal many a figure flaw

- The simpler the dress, the more time a man has to look at who’s wearing it

- Leave lots to the imagination

Basics

Mistresses have appointments in both the daytime and in the evening. While a mistress often entertains in her apartment, she needs to be prepared to have lunch, a drink, or dinner.

On a budget, outfitting such a wardrobe seems daunting – and expensive. Three outfits with coordinating bags, shoes, and accessories purchased in a department store or a designer outlet can set a girl back thousands of dollars, even on sale. So, don’t shop there. Consignment, vintage, and thrift stores all have gorgeous, one-of-a-kind clothes at a quarter to a tenth of retail prices.  The way you dress will look unique, not off-the-rack. Remember, style never goes out of fashion. Wear what suits your figure and personality. Scan Vogue for inspiration and replicate looks you love in your own inimitable way.

To begin, think in terms of key pieces. Smart separates will give you lots of fashion mileage.

The most basic item every woman, mistress or not, needs is a well-made, well-fitting, long sleeved, white cotton shirt. (Ideally you need about five, but start with one.) And yes, you will either have to pay for dry cleaning or learn the art of ironing. This shirt can pair with skirts, tuck into tailored trousers, be left outside your jeans for those casual occasions, or serve as a simple cover up for swimwear.

Next, in all its glory, the little black dress (LBD). In jersey, cotton, linen, or a really fine wool, the LBD really does go from cocktails to dinner without missing a fashion beat. Women have been wearing them since Audrey Hepburn made hers famous in Breakfast at Tiffanys in 1961. Not sure what you should buy? Check out the iconic Diane von Furstenburg wrap dress. Ever so flattering for virtually every woman. If you have nice arms, you can go sleeveless. Until you have a collection of both day and evening wear, keep the styling simple and the neckline modest so the dress looks perfect anywhere. Inject fashionable flourishes with a colourful scarf or jacket, statement jewelry, or enviable shoes.

Another wardrobe workhorse for the top level mistress is the skirt. A simple pencil skirt above or below the knee, will give you some afternoon options as will a fuller skirt in solids or a subtle print. By choosing a core colour scheme for your wardrobe at the outset rather than an every-colour-of-the-rainbow approach, means that your wardrobe works together so you get more looks with fewer pieces. Mixing and matching at its finest. Black and white with bits of grey and hits of red is a timeless combination.

Even though a girl can never have too many shoes, begin with a pair of 3-inch pumps and a pair of flats. Black and beige go with almost everything.

Opt for stockings – please, please NOT pantyhose– whether stay-ups or the full gartered glory. Think Kate Moss in the unforgettable Agent Provocateur ads. (Look this up if you have forgotten or don’t know what I’m talking about.) I assure you, no sausage-casing pantyhose can look as drop dead sexy as stockings. Look for a good black garter belt with four straps, three back hooks, and, ideally, metal garter clasps – it will pay its way, believe me. Black, grey, white, and beige or nude are all practical and flattering colour choices. Leave the neon lingerie for girls of lesser taste. Seamed stockings are very, very sexy and, for a gentleman of a certain age, deeply evocative. Search vintage shops and Ebay for the real deal. In general, steer clear of tacky sex shop attire. Lovely corsets, for instance, can be found on-line and if you are lucky in thrift stores. Oh, you clever girl!

Does your closet contain a slip? Yes, I do know that no-one has worn a slip in fifty years, but you should. Modern slips are much better than the ubiquitous piece of nylon and elastic of yesteryear. Look for silk and lace, and body hugging spandex for fitted silhouettes.  If you look closely, the actresses who walk the red carpet are wearing a filmy layer between their dress and their Spanx. Ah, if only the Duchess of Cambridge had put on a slip, her Marilyn moment would not have been quite so tabloid worthy.

Concerning your lingerie needs, there is no need to be matchy matchy about bra and panties, but it’s nice if you do. Never skimp on the enhancement possibilities of a good bra. Push-up models and clever padding is one bit of deception you really should engage in. Your new fab clothes will fit better, your date will be delighted.

So there you have it. If you have scoured the thrifts and vintage stores you should be able to put together all these basics, including shoes and at least one great handbag for a modest sum and had some fun in the bargain. But be warned, thrifting, can become addictive. Hope you have a big closet.

Looking Expensive and Worth It

The well-heeled patron a high-end mistress attracts would not be caught dead with a girl who looks like she might actually be a mistress. They are paying for the companionship of a gorgeous woman who knows how to look and act like a lady in public. But not just any lady, the sort of femme fatale who would be the envy of his friends. If you are unsure or awkward in social situations, or intimidated by two forks and three spoons, brush up on your etiquette. Impeccable manners open the doors you want to go through.

Clothes are just one piece of the luxe mistress package. Grooming is also very important. Invest in a good, not too fashion forward, hair cut. While most men love long hair, unless it truly is your crowning glory, go for a classic, shoulder length style that suits your face shape and enhances the type of hair you have. Accept what you have---embrace those curls or those poker straight locks. Busy mistresses don’t have time to be a slave to their straightening or curling iron. Keep your hair clean and avoid over styling and product overload. Touchable, shiny, healthy hair is much more attractive than a stiff coif. Find a good hair stylist and take their recommendations to look your best.

A mistress is super attentive to grooming and hygiene. Fresh from her bath, her skin is soft and slightly fragrant. Her nails are trimmed, buffed and polished---light for day, darker for evening. A perfect pedicure peeps out from those stunning heels. Teeth brushed and flossed, breath fresh. Keep your skincare routine as simple and natural as you can. Ignore the glossy ads for expensive potions and creams. Coconut oil is a little miracle in a tub and can replace your cleanser, make-up remover, and body lotion for a fraction of the price. And you can cook with it, too!

Makeup – did I mention less is more? Know which colours are most flattering, and learn how to apply your makeup like a pro. If you are unsure, get a lesson. Often the department store beauty counters offer free makeovers (nice to buy a little something though). Watch and learn. Dial it back hard for appointments before 7:00 PM. Make sure to blot your lipstick, and if you are using mascara and eyeliner, a little goes a long way.

If you sit in a café near a store where the expensive women shop, you can observe some of their secrets to finesse. Firstly, there are very few overweight upper-class women. Which means as a mistress, you need to be fit and healthy. Secondly, these women walk with purpose and exquisite posture. Their backs straight, their shoulders set back, their heads held high. They glide, not shuffle. You will also notice that women in the upper echelon travel light. A phone, a bag and if it looks like rain, an umbrella. Sunglasses are de rigueur in all weather, of course. When shopping or lunching, these ladies do not lug around a big bag, just a clutch or a chic vintage purse. As a mistress you don’t need to take along more than just lipstick, cash, and car keys, so tuck a separate tote in your vehicle with all the other things you might need for the rest of your day. Elegance equals attention to small details and an awareness of the impression one makes.

And so, a mistress needs to learn the byways of the world in which she wishes to travel if she is to attract the crème de la crème of clientele. For instance, when a she has arranged to meet a new gentleman in a restaurant, and he is a stranger, she will have ensured beforehand that his name is left with the maitre d’ so all she needs to say on arrival is “Mr. Smith’s table, please” in order to find him. No attention-attracting silly search for a man who certainly doesn’t want to be noticed or announced. He will appreciate and trust a potential mistress with such savvy and discretion.

Gifts are their Own Reward

While a mistress will have to make the initial investment in her wardrobe, from there it is not unusual to have gentlemen callers provide the rest. The luxuries rather than the necessities. Of course you no longer need a watch in the cell phone age, but a Cartier tank watch just somehow does it better. Gifts are perks of the job, but there are a few guidelines to keep in mind. Always make it clear that gifts are not part of your allowance. It is best to be specific about what you desire. Tactfully, of course. Don’t let the poor man wander through Nieman Marcus armed with only his credit card and his own taste.

Of course there is a great afternoon date to be had going for lunch followed by a little shopping spree. Plan this as a lovely outing, not a chore. Men generally hate shopping. Have what you want already picked out and set aside and arrive when the stores are fairly empty. Let him make the choice between the lacy demi-cup and the sheer balconette bra. Match your men to your needs – that nice banker with the high heel fetish will be in heaven deciding if you are to have the peep toe or the closed Louboutins.

Little gifts like lingerie and sumptuous cashmere sweaters are always welcome gifts and offer the gentleman the opportunity to see his gift adorning beautiful you. The internet is very useful to point him right at the perfect gift and provide all required sizing information. Set up a Pintrest page and an Amazon wish list and your gentlemen will soon get to know your wishes.

Larger gifts like cars, houses, holidays, or gems are the stuff of movies, but if you are playing in that select league, the world is your oyster. He is one completely satisfied (nay, delighted) man and likely has secured you exclusively as his mistress, and the lucky recipient of his lavish attentions. Closer to reality, mistresses are sometimes given designer goods such as coats, evening dresses, and handbags by wealthy patrons who want to celebrate an occasion or simply for no reason other than because you are just so darn adorable. Your hard work has worked!

Chapter 7 | The Subtle Art of Undressing

Getting undressed, oddly enough, begins with dressing.

If you would like to enchant your patron, titillate him, tease him, practical, day to day underwear will never do. In fact, it is better to wear nothing at all than some rag bag Fruit of the Loom granny panties and a shapeless over washed bra.

Our grandmothers had the right idea: layers and lace.

But even before those layers and lace consider what your end state is going to be: do you want to be naked or would you prefer to leave more than a little to the imagination? If you have a perfect body nude may be an option but, even the most perfect body looks a little better and more mysterious with a bit of gift wrapping.

A pretty slip or a lacy chemise gives him just a glimpse while letting you control the action. Sooooo. How do you get from here to there?

Or, even before we go there, why obsess about undressing? Frankly because the difference between a professional and an amateur is that a professional provides an amazing experience and while amateurs take money for sex.  As a mistress you need to deliver a fantastic experience which your gentlemen caller will return for again and again. I am going to assume you’d like to be the very best you can.

The great courtesans, the elite mistresses all know one thing: men thrive on mystery. It is mystery which keeps them coming back and keeps them tipping and wanting more of your time.

For a married man an excursion to a mistress offers the thrill of transgression and the certainty of discretion. Variety without complication.  For a single man, the mistress experience ensures he will leave with a smile on his face without having to commit. Discretion and no complications are huge; but so is the pleasure of being taken in hand, taken care of.

That in mind, undressing is as much a ritual offering as it is a practical necessity. To undress is to unveil a wonderful and sacred mystery to the profane gaze of the patron. Which means a girl can and should work very hard indeed to ensure that her patron fully appreciates one of the great gifts he is paying for.

First off, think about your environment. Will you be entertaining in your living room before leading him to your bed? Or will your entire date take place in a hotel room or bedroom? Your options for undressing are dictated by the layout of the room or rooms. So is the pace.

3 things to have or look for:

1. A soji screen – just a simple Japanese black and white screen. It is translucent which means with a light behind your silhouette will be seen. Putting it in your living room gives you a place to take off at least your dress or skirt and top. In your bedroom, if you put it at the foot of your bed, you can have your patron slip between the sheets while you undress in privacy.

2. A door – Undressing behind a door is not as private or as titillating as undressing behind a back lighted screen but it will preserve the mystery. In a hotel room the bathroom door will do the job; in an apartment the bedroom door will let you change in private.

3. Bed Curtains -  If you don’t have a screen and have a studio apartment, an alternative is a ceiling hung, translucent curtain dividing your bed from the rest of the room. Amusingly, it does not have to go to the floor. Mid thigh can be very enticing. Install the curtain right, use real curtain tracks and have it a couple of feet away from your bed. It should be in two halves which can be drawn together or flung apart. Pick an attractive color white, very light pink, cream or light grey will work with most decors.

Light

Now you have your privacy, time to think about light. Lighting sets the mood. It also displays your body and your lingerie to best advantage. What you are looking for is soft, indirect light. Avoid ceiling lights at all costs.

Attractive table lights and bedside lamps work well. Girls look best with a little pink on their skin. So, step one, low wattage incandescent bulbs. Step two, pretty shades white or light pink. Pinker and dimmer near your bed. If you can’t find a pink shade drape a pink scarf over a white one.

Candles are always lovely. Lots of candles. And make a ritual out of lighting them when your patron arrives. This will give him a little while to settle in and relax.

Clothes

A bit of planning can make sure that when it comes time to undress you can make every item count. In a sense think the opposite of practical. You may spend your days in a sports bra and leggings with a t-shirt tossed on top but that is not what your patron wants to see.

Work from the outside in. What you wear will, of course, depend on the nature of the date. If you are going to meet your date for drinks or coffee or dinner you’ll want a pretty, appropriate, outfit.

A couple of basics: a below the knee pencil skirt in black or grey with a buttoned slit is brilliant. Do up all but one of the buttons and you can go to Church, unbutton a bit and you are perfect for a cocktail lounge or a dinner engagement. Over the course of the early evening another button or two may come undone. Stocking tops or a lacy slip may be peeked at.

Second piece – a simple, well tailored white shirt. Again, the buttons are your friends. Two undone and you are a pretty young college girl of slightly conservative deportment, three and you’re in the naughty zone. One more after that or even a good lean forward and your pretty bra or cami or slip will fill his vision.

These same pieces can be worn if you are visiting his hotel – a tailored jacket will add a business lady look. And they can work well in your apartment.  (For what I hope are obvious reasons, a lady is never dishabille (clever French word for nearly undressed) when she greets her patron in her apartment.)

Shoes present that dilemma between wearable and wonderful. While a nice kitten heel is walkable, the fact is gentlemen love the look of high heels. However, the higher the heel the more you are going to have to pay for a pair of shoes you can walk in. 5” and above are really “once around the bed” shoes. If a gentleman would like you to fulfill his happy heel fetish let him invest. But make it very plain that clear plastic platforms belong on the Gentleman’s Club stage.

Depending on your height, a three and one half inch heel can do wonders for your legs and look elegant for cocktails or dinner. Done well they are walkable but not for more than a couple of blocks.

The danger zone is four to five inches. They look fantastic but they are killers to walk in. And, unfortunately, unless you buy expensive brands like Jimmy Choo or Louboutin, they can look tarty.  But teamed with a pair of sheer stockings you really can’t go wrong.

Now for lingerie: for the modern mistress the range and availability of beautiful, sexy, wispy pieces of lingerie is extraordinary. But, remember, you are undressing the mystery so layers and lace are your friends.

Long out of fashion, the full slip, ideally lace trimmed, is a mistress’s best friend. Ideally a slip will fall about three inches above the hem of your dress or skirt. It will have ribbon shoulder straps and should be well fitted to your torso and breasts. Shop vintage for slips – look for real silk or real satin. A nylon slip (which cost about $5.00 at thrift stores) will do in a pinch, but you’ll feel sexier and look much better in a little satin creation from the ‘40s or  ‘50s.  It is certainly worthwhile, if you are even a bit handy, to put a little tuck in the seam just below your bustline. The classic color is black but white or ivory or cream can be gorgeous.

The great advantage of a slip is it is a halfway point between being fully dressed and completely undressed. Taking off your skirt and blouse only to reveal a sexy full slip is a terrific tease and will be a surprise to most men under sixty.

Under your slip are the essentials – bra, panties, garter belt and stockings. Yes, yes, I know…many young girls have never worn pantyhose, much less stockings, in their lives. Remember what I mentioned about the difference between a professional and an amateur; well, a professional is in the business of surprising and delighting her patrons. If you take a look at anything from porn sites to old men’s magazines there is one constant…stockings.  (Pantyhose, dreadful things that they are, are rarely in evidence.)

A good pair of stockings – black or nude or grey are the best colors – will be sheer and very thin. Yes, they will run but if you buy three or four pairs of the same sort and color you’ll be able to swap the runned ones out. (Keep the runned ones beside your bed for a little fabric bondage. They are surprisingly strong.)

The fun thing about stockings and a garter belt is that, worn with the garter straps under your panties, they can stay on throughout the date. Whatever you do, buy a good garter belt. Look for metal tabs and a fitted, three hook, belt. It should be at least three inches wide and ride above your hips. The frilly elastic garter belts are, at best, stunt lingerie and will slide down at awkward moments.

Bra and panties come in sets. Mismatched lingerie looks silly. Buying – or better still, having bought for you – a good, lace bra in a shelf or demi-cup style is a treat every girl owes herself. (And you would be surprised how many men would be just delighted to take you lingerie shopping.) For perfect undressing there is a lot to be said for front closure. It avoids awkward fumbling. Look for real cups and light padding if required. At all costs avoid the horrors of made in China molded cups which fit no known woman.

Panties should match the bra. If that isn’t possible, look for the same color. While thongs will avoid VPL, the reality is that the additional coverage of a boy short or brief works to your advantage undressing.

Finally, pick colors which flatter your skin. Pale pinks, grays, black for drama, white for a girl next door. Patterns are fine but avoid anything jarring. And do we really need to discuss why fluorescent orange or day-glo green are bad choices….of course not.

The Reveal

Undressing begins long before you start taking your clothes off.

If you meet your date for drinks or coffee, beginning with almost all your buttons done up gives you plenty of room to maneuver in public. Undoing a button or two on your skirt will reveal, at minimum, the lacy hem of your slip. And if your slip has a slit, there is the very real possibility of a glimpse of stocking top. Going from two buttons undone on your shirt to three and an artful lean in or two, will reveal the lacy bodice of your slip and, quite possibly, your bra. He’ll catch the signal and the invitation instantly.

If you are going back to or meeting him on your own ground or his hotel, the same techniques apply. But now you can unbutton your shirt to your waist and let your skirt ride up to reveal your stockings. If you have a screen, a curtain or a door, you can excuse yourself to make yourself more comfortable and take the skirt and shirt off all together.

And here is where the beauty of the slip is evident. When you return you are not “undressed”, rather you are undressing. Now might be the moment to begin to undress him. And, indeed, a girl in a slips’ oral attentions are a wonderful promise of what is about to happen. Once you have him as undressed as you want him, you can retreat behind your screen or curtain and slip off your bra and panties. Hanging them on the side of the screen or the door knob will keep his attention. Slip, garter belt, stockings and shoes usually stay on.

Now you lead him to bed, remove the last of his clothing, and slip out of your shoes. From here it is up to you. However, removing a lovely vintage silk slip before the possibility of staining it only makes sense.

Make sure you have a pretty robe handy for the end of the encounter. While he will certainly see you nearly naked, you want to keep the mystery alive. Naked is not mysterious. And, for extra fun, have a pretty pair of frou-frou bedroom mules strategically located on your side of the bed. Your robe should be figure hugging but not sheer. You want his imagination working overtime as he lies in post coital bliss.

Chapter 8 | A Mistress’s Apartment

For a mistress, her home is not only her castle, it is also part of her magic. By paying attention to the look and feel of her surroundings, she can reap big rewards both personally and professionally.

The modern mistress’s apartment is like a stage set. At a glance, it says something about the woman who lives there. You always want to make a positive impression, so take this presentation seriously. Your space is part of your image. And like your appearance, one to be carefully considered. It is impossible to change your height, but you can change your décor. And if you can change it, the modern mistress can masterfully plan it, control it, and ta da---work it to her advantage.

Business acumen and personal comfort aside, a well-appointed home also sends a signal to a mistress’s patron that she has taken him into consideration when arranging her space. If he encounters a pleasing environment, she is already some distance towards a successful, rewarding experience for them both. A stylish décor catches the eye, but a space filled with serenity, comfort, and calm captures the spirit. It stays in the mind.

So whether you are perched in view penthouse, or reside in a character three-story walk up nowhere near the ocean (le sigh), the principles are the same. So let’s begin with the basics.

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Clean

No one wants to see dirt or grime or cobwebs. An mistress’s space speaks volumes about her, and the first thing it needs to make sure it is clean. If you can, have a professional cleaner spend a couple of hours every week on your apartment. If you can’t afford this, you are just going to have to suit up and do it yourself; so grab your rubber gloves, the spray and shine, and get to work. Crank up the stereo and time will fly by. Get into corners and crevices. Pay particular attention to the bathroom and the kitchen. Nothing says clean like gleaming chrome taps and a sparkling tub.

These thorough once a week cleans are vital, but so are quick spot cleans before your patron arrives: a quick wipe down of the coffee table, the sink, and a run around with the vacuum. If you offer refreshments, make sure the glasses and cutlery sparkle.

Tidy

Try to have tidy as the natural order of things so cleaning is not such a daunting task. You don’t have to be obsessive about it, but just don’t let things pile up. The magazines you were reading over your morning cappuccino, the scraps of paper with notes and numbers, stray lingerie draped over chairs, used glasses and plates---they all need to be straightened, put away, put in the dishwasher, put in the laundry.

Organized

Having a designated area for your papers, receipts, and such like keeps your business and personal life well-organized. When you are entertaining, there should be nothing on your desk except your computer – with a locked screensaver. All personal matter should be in drawers or a filing cabinet in the closet.

In the bedroom, have a discreet container for things such as lube and toys. A vintage hat box will do splendidly. Baskets work well for items like bondage gear. An umbrella stand can organize canes and crops. Tissues and wet wipes should be near at hand as, of course, should a selection of condoms. Not necessary to be on display, however. Slipping them inside an old, decorative cigar box or a jeweled Art Deco case is a stylish and tasteful solution.

Editing

Simply adding things to your environment is not decorating. Eye-catching home design is more often about subtraction rather than addition. Less really is more, especially in smaller spaces.

Clutter is never a good look. So take a good look around with a critical eye. Anything which has no immediate use or aesthetic value should go. Items you can’t bear to part with should be put in a box and stashed in the hall cupboard or in your unit’s storage. The rest should be sorted: tossed if broken, chipped, or worn; donated to a thrift shop if still usable; consigned if in like-new condition with a re-sale value.

Once you have the basics taken care of, you can set about creating a delightful space that suits you and is also suitable for your clients. This does not have to be done in a day. The fact is that finding nice things is notoriously time-consuming and expensive. It doesn’t have to be if you are resourceful and clever. And you are.

The first step is the predictably the same as it is for most other endeavors:

Step 1: MAKE A PLAN

Think about what you wish to achieve. What looks do you love? Modern? Bohemian? Or sea-side casual? Flip through magazines to get ideas and get inspired. Even small changes can make a big impact. Your home should make a statement about you, but since it is also where you entertain, these personal touches should be subtle rather than overt; noticed by none but the most keenly observant guest.

There is plenty of room to debate whether a feminine or masculine look is to be preferred in an mistress’s home. I tend toward the strong, clean lines of a more masculine look. The problem with a feminine décor is that men tend to find patterns and frills off-putting. This is very much your choice of course, however there is another, more compelling argument for sleek, modern lines: by way of contrast, it sets you off as the most feminine thing in the room.

Style extends to art and while there is no accounting for taste, it is wise to avoid explicitly erotic pieces. Here again, a mistress should be the erotic focal point of her space. Choose actual ART, please. An original watercolour, or even a pencil sketch by an art-school student is much more interesting than a print of some famous work, the original of which everyone knows, is hanging in the Louvre. Did you know that some city art galleries have art rental programs? Check out your local one.

Step 2: RE-ARRANGE

If your furniture hasn’t moved since the day you moved in, it’s time to shake things up a bit. Think of your house like an architect does. Sketch the basic blueprint on paper. Furniture placement should enhance flow and reflect how you use each room. Where will your client sit when he first arrives? Is there a nearby table where can he put his glass? You don’t actually need much: a chair, a sofa, a side and/or coffee table. Go for quality, not quantity: real wood, not particle board; natural rather than synthetic fibres; glass instead of plastic. Your home should be not only functional, but beautiful as well.  And it doesn’t have to be totally on display. Practically, your patron will see your hall, your bathroom, your living area, and your bedroom. The deployment of one or two screens can keep the rest of the space private.

Step 3: COLOUR

Unless you own your place, you likely did not choose the paint colours. But even if you do rent, you might not be stuck with them if you have a landlord amenable to your ideas. Talk it over and get approval before you do anything. If at all possible, hire pros to paint. They get their paint at a discount and a couple of rooms can cost as little as $150. And they clean up so you don’t have to.

Remember that you are likely not going to live there forever, so a nice neutral that the next tenant would like too is a big consideration. There are many, many shades of white, cream, and grey that all look fresh and contemporary. Get swatch cards and paste them up to your walls before you commit to any shade. Also, some companies sell little sample cans so you can actually paint a small area to really get a sense of what it will look like. What does it look like in the day, at night, in direct sunlight, and does it coordinate with your furniture, art, and rugs? The lighter the hue, the larger your space will seem. It’s a big decision, so you may want to get a friend to give you a second opinion, and don’t be afraid to chat to the clerks in home stores for advice. But in the end, you have to live with it, so you have to love it.

Step 4: LIGHTING

Easily one of the most important---and yet frequently overlooked---elements of a mistress’s space is the light. The difference between a warm glow and an unappealing glare is often as simple as the difference between a 40 watt bulb and a 100 watt one.  Dimmer switches are your secret tactic for instant changes in mood. Keep bedroom lighting soft and low. Thrift stores and rummage sales are a fabulous source for really unique floor, table, and ceiling lights. Again, the style and colour should be in keeping with the rest of your space.

Enhance any natural light there is. Are there lots of windows or few? Which direction does the space face? Sunlight is splendid for your plants, but blinds or semi-sheer curtains preserve your privacy as they diffuse outside light. Silk scarves and saris make excellent impromptu curtains and add a certain exotic softness to a room. Since you will have engagements both day and night, you must factor both into your lighting choices. As a mistress, you are the star of your own show so choose lighting that is the most flattering.

Step 5: DETAILS

LINENS

Hand towels, bath towels, sheets, and pillow cases are more than necessities for a mistress. She can turn them into little luxuries because believe it or not, clients notice things like this.

Go for the luxe hotel/spa look with all white. Avoid patterns and the appliqué so many towels are festooned with. A simple, clean, plush, terry cloth towel is a terrific luxury for a man showering before or after his pleasure. White has the advantage that it is easy to launder and a little bleach take care of most everything. Don’t try to make your towels last forever. Replace often.

Of course a mistress’s linens need to be fresh, clean, and crisp. And spotless. Treat yourself and your patron to cotton, linen, or bamboo for a really luxurious feel. (For more information on what to look forsee:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/25/sheets-best-buying-guide_n_1302797.html

Once you have purchased the best sheets you can afford, learn how to take care of them properly. And since you will buy new, watch for the sales. Yes, that means owning several sets and doing a lot of laundry. Nature of the business, I’m afraid.

FLOWERS

Fresh flowers are a lovely and fragrant finishing touch to any space. Avoid floristy bouquets---a bunch of bright tulips in a simple vase is much nicer.

Three places for flowers: on your hall table where; on your coffee table as a bright accent; and beside your bed. And a stem or two in the bathroom is unexpected and lovely.

Change out your flowers at the first sign of wilting. Yes, it does cost money, but it’s worth it. Never, ever try to skrimp and save by buying fake ones. Honestly, none is better than these. Ah, so now you have become a woman with a stylish apartment who can be seen carrying home flowers. Tres chic!

MUSIC

For a mistress, music is in the background, not center stage. It helps to set the mood, and that mood is almost never enhanced by Death Metal or Hip Hop, the twang of country, or corny show-tunes. Stick to cool jazz, classical, even some new agey music is inoffensive. Program your music before your date. Most cable companies have music services included.

CANDLES

Only in the evening, or at least at dusk. There is not a woman alive whose beauty is not enhanced by candlelight. But since you will not be attending to them during the course of the evening, avoid tapers and choose unscented tea lights – or better still—votive candles instead. For drama, a couple of dozen are stunning, but every living space can benefit from even a few, strategically placed. The very best candles are made of natural beeswax and they fill the air with a divine aroma.

In the end, a mistress’s space is part of what she brings to her patron. When her patron arrives in her home for the first time he is looking forward to her intimate favours. By thoughtfully creating a pleasing and serene environment, a mistress adds another element to the encounter by engaging even more of her client’s attention. Before he even gets to the bedroom, he has caught a glimpse of the beauty which surrounds her.

Chapter  9  | Ten Things a Modern Mistress Can’t Live Without

What do you really, really need as a mistress? Sure, a great haircut, perfect grooming and a brilliant attitude all help. A pleasing apartement. But let’s get right to the key stuff.

1. A SmartPhone

There is no single invention ever which is as useful to a mistress as a smart phone. Whether you have an iPhone or an Android device, the convenience of having a handheld computer with you wherever you go is critical for success.

Need to tease your patron? Take a quick selfie in a pretty bra and text it to him. Change a time? Text.

From booking to banking, your smart phone can do it all. Plus, it is a flashlight and it can give you directions to your out-call locations.  And, of course, as you are waiting for a date, you can play Angry Birds.

As importantly, a smart phone makes texting and other forms of instant messaging a breeze. While you can check your email on a smart phone, text, send those mildly erotic pictures, send your patron shopping suggestions and spur of the moment sweetness. Plus, with a little Bluetooth speaker, you can bring your own music to your encounters with a playlist or just by finding the right internet radio station. A bit of smooth jazz or Sade’s greatest hits can add to the mood.

Of course, if you are a more traditional sort of girl, you can use your smart phone to make and receive phone calls. Low tech, but if you have a nice voice your patron will be delighted.

2. A Little Black Dress

Well, ideally several little black dresses. There is really nothing so versatile whether you are entertaining at home or off for a luxurious dinner before a night cap in your patron’s hotel suite. The LBD can be deliciously demure or dangerously decadent. It can reveal or conceal, but it always adds style to any occasion.

The trick with a little black dress is to look for dresses which are as simple as possible. Even if they are impossibly short or cut incredibly tightly, the fabric should be almost entirely without ornamentation. Perhaps buttons or a bit of stitching on the neckline. The little black dress is all about accentuating your natural beauty. If you have a great figure, a silky knit can cling to every curve. A lovely neck and arms can be set off with a sleeveless or spaghetti strapped little number.

Entertaining at home, you might opt for a fuller, longer skirt and a daring décolletage. However, if you are meeting your date in a bar or restaurant, the plunging neckline may be a bit over the top. Chic girls know that it is never clever to show too much or, worse, be uncomfortable trying to preserve a modicum of modesty in a public place.

The great thing about little black dresses is that they never date. Which means you can often find something brilliant from 1952 in a vintage shop for a tenth of what you will pay for a similar dress at Nordstrom’s. Fabulous shoes, a bright swing coat and a single strand of pearls – tell one of your patrons his mission is to find you a really nice set – and you are dressed for the evening. Of course you’ll need….

3. Stockings

I do go on about stockings and there is a reason: a woman in a pair of stockings, especially sheer, wispy black stockings, most desirably with a seam, looks finished; beautifully turned out; in a word–impeccable.

Of course I know that girls under the age of thirty have often never worn pantyhose, much less stockings. The delights of a bare, suntanned leg have their attractions but mistresses are in the business of creating a pleasing alternative to the ordinary. Stockings are drop-dead extraordinary! Need convincing or inspiration? Check out http://www.laperla.com/

Pretty stockings and a gorgeous but functional garter belt, serve a whole set of functions. For some men, especially those wonderful older, wealthy men, stockings are a depiction of an elegant era, a haunting nostalgia. For others, they are simply a little, delightful, surprise.

There are a few tricks to stockings. Buy more than one pair in the same exact colour. Stockings are very delicate. They will run easily, so if you have a few pairs in the same colour, you can swap the runned one out. To prevent runs, make sure your hands and nails are very smooth when you slip them up your legs. If your hands are a bit rough, a pair of lingerie gloves or other gloves can save you.

Men love to see a glimpse of thigh above your stockings tops; but that should be something you decide to offer, rather than a consequence of sitting down. So, yes, you do need to wear a slightly longer skirt or dress to keep everything concealed until the moment when you flirtily flash a glimpse.

Stockings should not be worn with open-toed shoes. A high-heeled pump is the ticket. Seams, if you are lucky enough to have seamed stockings, should always be straight. Something which can be achieved by fastening the rear garter tab directly above the seam.

Always give yourself an extra five minutes to get the garter belt and stockings on just right. Contrary to the ads, run the garter straps under the panty so that the panties can come off without a great deal of untangling.

4. Candles

Having a few candles is a wonderful way to set the mood. Half a dozen beeswax tapers or, for out-calls, beeswax votive candles create the flattering candle light which can really enhance your encounter.

Avoid scented candles. Even the nicer ones will leave their scent on your gentleman’s clothing and that, I fear, is a bit of a tip off that he may have been somewhere he shouldn’t. Plus, in general, men are not particularly enamored of the sorts of scents candles typically have. And, there is no pleasing everyone. Beeswax, on the other hand, has a delightful natural scent all its own.

The lovely thing about having a few candles in your bag is that you can take a few minutes to place and light them if you are not entertaining at home. Of course, at home, lighting the candles can be a wonderful way of making the transition to more adult activities. And, it is a touch that shows you care about making the encounter as lovely as possible.

5. A Riding Crop

Even men who are not in the least bit submissive sometimes enjoy a girl with a crop. Nothing elaborate. Just a fifteen-inch black crop, ideally with a leather striker.

Should your date be in need of a little correction, well, you know what to do. Bear in mind that a riding crop makes quite a lot of noise when applied with a bit of vigor. Not ideal for hotels with paper thin walls.

As instruments of correction go, riding crops are mainly for show rather than the infliction of any real pain. But when it becomes apparent that your patron might want to explore his submissive side, having a crop handy makes it easy.

6. Your Favorite Vibe

An hour, much less two hours, can be a very long time. While there are dates where the time just flies by, there are others where your patron is, for whatever reason, somehow not getting into the spirit of the thing. Once you’ve tried the fun of a strip tease and more than a little oral and hand attention, if your patron is still not caught up in the delights of the moment, it may be time to provide a little show.

A discrete, seven inch vibrator fits neatly in your bag and, as you probably already know, can provide hours of fun. But here, it just has to provide a few minutes of erotic distraction. Where a toy show is usually a special request, taking time to warm up with your vibe as your client sits or lies watching, takes a lot of pressure off your client while providing him with a great deal of visual stimulation.

Men are wonderfully visual creatures – thank heavens – and watching a girl and her vibrator is remarkably horny making. But take your time. There are many places where a vibrator can create pleasant sensations and they are all places where your client wants to look. Remember to tease.

Don’t forget that a vibrator also can give a gentleman goose bumps if applied with a degree of firmness and skill.

The point is that having a vibe in your bag means you have the option of bringing it into play. If it is at home on your bedside table and you are in a hotel room, that option is extinguished. So, never leave home without it.

7. Perfect Red Lipstick

There is nothing more classic, or more provocative than scarlet lips. It evokes old Hollywood glamour, pinups, and is even backed up by science (yes, studies prove that men really do love it). Finding your perfect shade is a matter of matching it with your skin tone. If you are new to berry lips, start with sheer. Then work up to something bold and rich. Keep your other makeup simple: crisp black liner, black mascara, and a whisper of blush does the trick. Oh, and don’t forget to smile–red lipstick makes teeth look whiter.

8. Great Towels and Sheets

Your patron comes to your apartment. He is paying a good dollar for the pleasure of your company. But he is also paying for an overall experience–which includes the whole environment. Sadly, mistresses sometimes forget this and simply miss the fact a visit to a man’s mistress should be a wonderful, luxurious, experience. So consider and create an ambience.

Now, the reality is that you may not have a swanky apartment or designer furniture, but if you combine clean with tidy, most men will not even notice a slightly sub-par sofa. Fresh flowers are not expensive and give any room an instant facelift. A bowl of lemons in the spring, pine cones in the winter, are touches that make a statement. Details matter.

What you guest will notice are worn sheets and threadbare towels For not very much money, you can get great towels. Stick to white because when you wash them you can put a little bleach in and they will come out like new. Fabric softener is option as well. For extra fun, run your towels through your dryer ten minutes before your date is scheduled so they are lovely and warm when he has his shower.

Good sheets can be expensive but, if you shop the sales, you can get good sheets at a steep discount. Again, white has the huge advantage of being bleachable. Yes, you can get 500 thread count sheets but the fact is most patron will not really know the difference if you get good, 200 thread count sheets. But, and it is a critical thing, spend the little extra and get pure cotton.

9. Little Black Slip

Under a little black dress, goes a little black slip. Or chemise as their shorter, more risqué cousins are called.

Yes, another piece of lingerie which girls stopped wearing, foolishly, a couple of decades ago. There are a lot of reasons why slips make tremendous sense for any woman wearing a dress or a skirt; but for a mistress, they can be absolutely essential.

What a slip offers is an additional layer between the world and you naked. This means that, as things move from the conversational, you are able to take off your dress but still leave your charms unrevealed. In the gentle world of teasing and pleasing, another layer adds to the excitement. Plus, if you are a little shy, you can easily leave your slip on throughout your encounter.

Slips themselves come in all manner of fabrics and styles. From a very simple unornamented wisp of black to lacy confections with fitted bodices and spaghetti straps. Your best bet for finding nice slips are thrift stores and vintage clothing shops. They are not expensive and owning lots is fun.

If you are handy with a needle, a tuck or two can make a loose slip a bodycon delight but just a bit harder to get on and off.

Of course, slips of a very superior sort are still made in glorious silks and satins. If you enjoy coveting, check out PatriciaFieldwalker.com. A really beautiful silk slip is the perfect Christmas gift for a gentleman to give a lady, and there is no reason why your patron should not know what you love and covet. Gorgeous slips are available from Amazon in silk and all manner of other delicious fabrics.

10. Refreshment

An encounter with a mistress is an essentially social activity. So is eating, and so is having a glass of wine. A mistress entertaining should consider having a little plate of something and a nice glass of wine to go with it.

Wine is very much an option as well as a matter of choice and taste, but here are a few, reasonably priced, suggestions.

- Something bubbly.

A mistress should always have a bottle of something sparkling in her refrigerator–it’s a staple. There is something wonderfully decadently about bubbles, and the flute it is served in. However, you need not spurge on real champagne (let’s hope he does, though) to get the taste and the effect.

- An Afternoon White

A Chablis, Sancere, Albarino, or Reisling will always be a top pour. And a bit off the beaten track; which shows just how worldly and fascinating you are.

- An Afternoon Rose

Walk directly to the French section of the wine shop and pick something from Provence in a pale hue. Winner.

- An Evening White

A weightier white with perhaps a touch of oak. Think Chenin Blanc, Chardonnay, Viogner.

- An Evening Red

A Pinot Noir always hits the mark as does Cru Beaujolais.

- Cocktail Hour

For the girl serious about style and savvy about libations, invest in a chic bar cart on wheels. It makes a striking addition to your décor (especially if it is a unique, vintage piece like an Art Deco glass and chrome design. Ebay is a great resource for such finds.) As far as stock, start with a few staples that you like, and add more over time. Begin with something oh- so chic and beguiling like St. Germain, a French elderflower liqueur. (See: http://stgermain.fr/)

A little plate of something, for me, means a bit of smoked salmon, capers and toasts. Also failsafe: a pleasing piece of cheese and some bread. Nothing fancy, (but real cheese please; not Kraft) and nothing too much. He is really not there for the food, but the fact you offer some, gives you a chance to sit down and actually chat with your patron.

Of course, a little food and a little wine are soon finished and that is a lovely moment to move the date forward. But, by pacing your own eating and drinking, you can fill a bit of time and establish a degree of connection with your gentleman caller.

Just the Essentials

LBD, stockings, killer red lipstick, riding crop and great sheets plus a few other items and you are good to go. The old saying, “the more you know, the less you need” is especially true for mistresses. Don’t load yourself down with outfits which don’t work or make up which does not flatter.

If you stick to essentials your patron will notice how fabulous you are. He’ll be back for more.

Chapter 10 | Sex Tips for the Modern Mistress

Well, yes, most mistress encounters will, eventually, proceed to the bedroom.  And there may be stops along the way. While a modern mistress’s patron is paying her allowance for much more than sex, he will certainly be delighted if his girl is more than competent when it comes to the fleshy pleasures.

But that is easy to say, often more complicated in practice. What makes a mistress dynamite in the bedroom? What gives her an erotic edge worth spending thousands a month for?

Technical details will come a bit later but first remember that the main erotic organ is the brain. Long before a man flexes his gallant response he is likely thinking about the pleasures his mistress brings him. Or at least he should be.

The Erotic Attitude

From the time he was in puberty a patron has been confronted with the utter confusion our society brings to sexuality. (So, realistically, has even the most thoroughly modern mistress.) On the one hand sex is a dark and mysterious thing, on the other it is a celebration of health and beauty and, on yet another, it is often a bit of a chore.

Research suggests that men think sexual thoughts many times a day. Certainly many more times than women. But those sexual thoughts are usually out in the realm of fantasy rather than of any particular application. Imagining a pretty woman they meet naked and compliant can pass many a dull moment in an over long PowerPoint presentation.

What a patron brings to his mistress experience is a low level but constant sexual fantasy life which, for the most part, is rarely engaged with reality. However, and this is what a mistress must know, merely because that life of the sexual mind does not surface very often does not mean it is dormant.

The second thing a mistress should take into account is that men are “always on” by which I mean they are always in the mood. While older men are certainly much more continent than their 20 year old selves, they have much the same constant interest in sex even if they have learned to sub-ordinate it to other goals.

This is, while many women will deny it, very different from the female sexual impulse. For one thing, men are barely cyclical whereas a young fertile woman most certainly is. It is not just a girl’s period which comes once a month, there is also the sexually prime fertile period when a girl ovulates. There is a lot of science which suggests that when ovulation is occurring women are at their monthly sexual peak and are most receptive to sexual activity.

In a man’s normal life, if he has a partner, while he will be somewhat sexually interested most of the time, his female partner’s desire will ebb and flow on a monthly basis. As a gentleman, a patron will have accustomed himself to his partner’s patterns even if this involves prolonged periods of effective chastity. However, in his sexual fantasy life his partner’s lack of desire is often the impetus which leads him to think about taking a mistress.

For a mistress or an aspirant mistress, the challenge is to get beyond the biology. Her patron is not paying an allowance to enjoy the fading pleasures of married sex, he is paying for an entirely different, more exotic experience.

Oddly enough that more exotic experience is not about technique or kinks, it is about attitude. An erotic attitude.

Men are very different from women because, in the back of their minds, they are thinking about sex a lot of the time. They are not thinking about being swept away by romance, they are thinking about pure, wet, messy sex. Often of a mildly, or deeply, kinky sort. Now, it is not that women never think about sex or enjoy sexual fantasy, they do; but not as a constant part of their day.

To be an effective, successful, mistress a girl has to swing around to a more masculine understanding of the sexual imperative. It is a bit of mental gymnastics which separates the really modern mistress from her more traditional competitors.

For old school mistresses the fact they are willing to have sex with a man who they are not romantically involved with is seen to be enough. It isn’t. Because there is nothing in the least bit different in that attitude than what their patrons will be getting at home. It is a distinctly female attitude towards sexuality which, in short order, will reduce the pleasures of the illicit bedroom to routine. Patron or husband, the gentleman is really no better off if his mistress has much the same sexual attitude and drive as his wife. Certainly a mistress is likely to be younger but youth is fun the first few encounters, without a radically different attitude, a patron will soon tire of even the youngest mistress.

Elise: Passive No More

[A slightly naughty story about a mistress discovering a new attitude.]

I had my first sugar daddy when I was twenty. I had no idea of what I was doing but I got on a website for sugar babies and, with a cute picture, I had a lot of attention and one guy offered me $2000 a month for a few dates and I took it.

What a mistake. He was a complete dick and, after two months, without any warning, he cut off my allowance and moved on to another girl. Which was nasty but, I realized, typical of the sugar world. I was OK but I was not going to do that again. But I did like the money. So I kept researching and reading and I realized what I had got wrong and what I could improve.

First off, I made the common mistake of confusing sugaring with being a mistress. They are two wildly different things. Bluntly, a sugar baby is usually nothing more than a girl a guy hires for sex. Sex his way. Purely for his pleasure. The standard sugar daddy sees his sugar baby as an escort he pays monthly. For some girls that is fine because they want to put minimal effort in. But that means they get minimal cash out and, frankly, it is more than a little demeaning to be on call for a blow job. I mean I get it and I don’t blame the guys. They get what they pay for. I just realized that there had to be a different route.

I was right, there is. It starts with the girl’s attitude. I never wanted to be an escort. As I read I realized I wanted to be a mistress. A woman who a man enjoyed for more than just sex. Sex would obviously be a part of it, but the more I read the more I realized that mistresses were kept, at least in the past, because they engaged the whole man.

But how to make that happen? How do you go from a sugaring situation to being a mistress? The answer turned out to be amazingly simple: a girl has to go from being passive, being accepting to being active and, yes, a bit demanding. She also has to understand how men think about women and about sex.

All of which is a lot easier to say than do. Girls like me are raised to see themselves as essentially passive. The right guy will come along. Look pretty and he will pick you. If you want him you have to let him do some of the things he wants to you. All of this is, no matter what the feminists say, part of the culture a girl grows up in.

And yet, if you look around there are these beautiful, confident women who just glow with confidence and a really intriguing beauty. They are not looking pretty for men, they are enjoying their beauty for its own sake. I made a bit of a study of what seemed to be striking women. I sat in a rather nice café attached to one of the best hotels in my city and watched out for the sort of women I thought had that certain glamour. I had no idea how their lives worked, I just wanted to see if I could grab an idea of what their style, their poise, their voices and their strides could tell me.

I probably spent two weeks observing and then I began to add bits of what I had seen to my style. These women always appeared tall. Many of them were, but a fair number simply appeared that way. Heels helped but what was really important was that they were all slim and they all had remarkably trim waists. Exercise? Genes? Firm foundations? Who knows? But there is was.

Generally the women I watched were meeting someone in the hotel. Often a man, sometimes a woman and what struck me was they were always, effortlessly, in charge. They picked the table, the waiters deferred to them. They were also, from what I could overhear, unfailingly polite. All of which were clues.

The break through came one day when I was just finishing my latte and getting ready to leave and a women I had seen before came over to my little table.

“May I join you for a moment?” she said motioning to the empty seat across the table. “You’ve been watching. Why?”

“I am trying to figure something out.” I replied non-commitally.

“Perhaps I can help.” As if by magic a cappuccino appeared beside her. “You are watching women, no?”

“Yes.”

“Women like me. And you are trying to figure out how we do it.”

“Yes. Although I am not quite sure what “it” is.”

“At your age I had no idea “it” even existed.” She took a sip of her cappuccino and I noticed that, despite her slick of red lipstick not a trace touched her cup. “If I explain will you understand?”

“I’ll try.”

“The women you seem to be watching share one or two things in common. First, they are either married to or the mistresses of very successful men. It does not matter which. It is more a stage of development. Younger girls usually are wise enough to begin as mistresses. It gives them time to mature, to learn, to develop a style. Are you shocked?” she said with a very knowing smile.

“A little, I guess. I didn’t see mistresses and wives as being quite the same sort of woman.”

“A good wife, and I am one, is first and foremost her husband’s mistress. With all that implies.”

“Well that is just it…what does that imply?”

“An arrangement. An understanding. But, most of all, a seduction. Every day. Just as a mistress seduces her patron, a clever wife seduces her husband.”

I knew I was learning something important but what exactly “seduction” meant in this context was not at all obvious. I guess I looked a bit at sea.

“Let me explain a little further and then I must fly. My delightful husband does not like to be kept waiting. In ten minutes in a rather nice room on the eleventh floor of this hotel I am going to open the door to Room 910, take off my blouse and skirt, pull down my panties and kneel on the bed. My legs will be slightly parted and I have made sure that everything is nicely lubricated. A few minutes later, assuming my darling does not have a sudden meeting, my husband will use his key card, open the door drop his trousers and, assuming he remembered to take his Viagra a little earlier, take me however he wants, for as long as he wants and, when he is done, pull up his pants and leave without a word. I can’t wait.”

“That is so sexy.”

“It is isn’t it. But the part you really need to know is that thirty minutes ago, while I was shopping, I texted him the room number. I am sitting with you now because he texted back that he would be an hour rather than our usual 45 minutes. I don’t like to wait too long in that position as it is a tiny bit uncomfortable. My point being that I texted him. And that, dear girl, is the secret. All these lovely women you have been watching know that secret. How it plays out with their patrons and their husbands is a matter of taste and style. But the woman takes the sexual initiative and keeps it.”

“That’s it?”

“Pretty much. Of course men like novelty and you need to remember that. And they like to think they are in charge while secretly being relieved that they are not.” with that this kind stranger took a twenty from her Hermes wallet which lodged in a Hermes crocodile Kelly bag and put it on the table. “I really must go, but, a thought. Would you like to watch? I am quite sure my husband would love to take his wife for the edification of a pretty young girl.”

I blushed. I felt my panties moisten at the thought of watching this elegant woman taken. I couldn’t speak. I simply nodded.

We went through the lobby and up the elevator in silence. When we got to Room 910 she opened the door and went in. “Make yourself comfortable in that chair by the window.” she said putting her beautiful bag on a side table and taking off her jacket, “Look in the mini bar there are soft drinks or open one of the white wines. I like a glass of Chablis when I’m done.”

I did as I was told and when I had found the right wine and opened it I turned to see my new friend face down on the bed wearing pretty white lingerie including a serious looking garter belt and nude stockings. Her panties were at her knees and she had left her pretty heels on. Her bottom was high in the air her head was turned towards me. She smiled and then closed her eyes.

We didn’t have long to wait. The door to the room opened silently and a rather interesting looking, not quite handsome man came into the room. He scanned his surroundings, saw his beautiful wife ready for him and me, sitting with my glass of wine, off to the side. He grinned and then took off his jacket. Then he unbuttoned the flies on his suit trousers and pulled out his already very stiff cock. He wasted no time driving it home and reached around to play with his wife’s pussy. I had the distinct feeling his cock was pushing into her back door and, from time to time, she let out a little sigh. He kept up his pace and she was pushing back to meet him. In no more than a couple of minutes she was moaning quite loudly and bucking on his cock. And then he was done. He put his cock back in his trousers put his jacket back on and left. His wife was frantically playing with her own pussy and, in a minute or two was arching her back in satisfaction. Then, quickly and silently, she pulled up her panties, put on her blouse and stepped into her skirt. She took the seat across from me and poured herself a glass of wine.

“He’s such a showoff. I knew as soon as I suggested you watch he’d want me anally. Which I quite enjoy but men are so silly. Is everything a bit clearer now?”

“Honestly, not really. But I expect that is because I am more than a little excited and flustered.” I managed to squeak out.

“It’s too bad I don’t like girls or we could have a bit of fun. But now I must run. The room is booked until tomorrow and room service is a call away. Have a treat.” With that my nameless friend picked up her gorgeous bag and left. I never saw her again.

What was that about I wondered. Did this elegant couple often pick up a girl to watch them enjoy an afternoon break. It wouldn’t surprise me. But, and here was the thing, my new and now ex friend told me she had sent the text to get the afternoon delight rolling. And I think that had been her point.

With much to think about I stretched out on the bed and sipped my wine. You can imagine what happened a bit later and after that I took a lovely long bath and looked over the room service menu. In some senses I felt I had earned a lovely dinner and a really good night’s sleep.

In that quiet hotel room I realized exactly what I wanted and how my friend had shown me the way.  She kept he husband enthralled by wanting him, by inviting him, by completely surrendering to him while knowing that, realistically, she was in charge. My stupid sugar daddy wanted to be in charge, to tell me what to do. That was not the formula I was looking for. But this, this was something I could do. I took a piece of creamy hotel stationary and what I have to say was a very cheap pen, and made notes.

The next day I placed a very discreet ad suggesting that I was looking for a mistress style relationship in an actual print newspaper and asked for gentlemen to write me care of a box number. A dozen did and two are now my patrons.

While each has his evening a week, both also enjoy happy surprises. More than once I have knelt down on an anonymous hotel room bed and thought of my friend as I waited for my patron. But never once have I done that or anything else because my patron required it; I call the shots and my gentlemen love me all the more for it.

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Take Away

The modern mistress doesn’t just provide sex as part of the package. She embraces her sexuality and, as importantly, works hard to understand how men generally and her patron in particular, are wired sexually.

Living in a pornified world means that men are exposed to a lot of rather de-contextualized sexual activity. This bit goes there or perhaps here. The further reaches of bondage, S&M, sex toys and a variety of other supposedly sexual activity are only a mouse click away. But for the modern mistress all of that is largely beside the point.

Her great sexual gift is to enthusiastically embrace and initiate the many things her patron wants, needs, craves. At the same time she entirely endorses Jerry Hall’s famous maxim "Even if you have only two seconds, drop everything and give him a blow job. That way, he won't really want sex with anyone else.” But, and it is huge but, the modern mistress makes it her business to be in complete control of the sexual end of the relationship.

Which means, and this is critical, that she has to begin to think of sex both as a woman and as a man. Where a woman might go for days without giving sex a second thought, a mistress thinking like a man, will learn to at least consider sex at least as often as she thinks about her lipstick or fixes her hair. To be a successful mistress is to anticipate rather than respond to what her patron might enjoy.

At the same time, the reality of the mistress world is that most patrons are considerably older than their mistresses. While they are certainly interested in sex it is not with the urgency that a man in his twenties might be interested. Yes, Viagra and its dups are wonderful things; but they are purely physical. For these aids to have full effect a man has to be erotically engaged.

How a modern mistress accomplishes engagement depends on her patron. For one man a glimpse of a stocking top or a single extra button undone on a shirt will be all it takes. For another a bit of suggestive talk will get the ball rolling.

Here, of course is an essential difference between a mistress and even the most expensive escort: an escort will have a repertoire of sexual moves which hit the sweet spots of the relatively wide cross section of men she deals with on a day to day basis. Call it a toolbox. As importantly, the escort operates at an impersonal distance from the client she is seeing at the moment. For a mistress “impersonal” is not an option. And her sexual toolbox needs to be focused on the desires of a single, long term, patron. With the escort it is all about the act, with a mistress sexuality is much more deeply contextualized.

But What About Sex Tips?

Clever oral technique and Kegel exercises are in some mistress’s repertoires but not in others because specific techniques are not actually what patrons are looking for. Oh, they are deighted when a mistress happens to have a particular technique which they enjoy, but remember the fact that a patron’s brain is his actual erotic center.

Sexuality is, for many men, de-eroticized because they have slipped into a routine with their wives or because they are ashamed to ask for what they actually want or, worst of all, they have become, over time, desensitized to the erotic. And, of course, one of the reasons a man takes a mistress is in the hope that the joy and slightly naughty elements of sex will somehow be restored. Instead of a weekly chore, they are hoping that sex with their mistress will be at least a little exotic, a little out of the ordinary. (A fact not lost on the mistress-wife above.)

Creating erotic tension is far more important than “sex tips”. There are a lot of ways to come at the question but one of the most effective is a simple statement “Do you know what I like? I like to…” You fill in the blank long before you get to the bedroom. You can start very primly with just the suggestion that his hand might touch you “down there”. But, depending on your patron’s reaction, it is easy to escalate the “I like” statements to where ever you want to go. Of course, once you have broken the ice, the next level out is, “I like this, what do you like?”

In the bedroom or out, never underestimate the power of being a bit of a teasing prude. They say that a French husband never sees his wife naked. Should you patron ever see you completely naked? Can you tease him with glimpses while keeping most of your charms beneath a discreet veil? Can you make him look away when you scoot under the sheets?

At the same time, remember that men are intensely visual creatures. They just love to watch. If you are a prude out of bed can you be a wanton in bed. Can you lift the hem of your slip and let him enjoy a toy show while you warm yourself up? Or let him watch you play with yourself as you get ready to have him take you? Or all the way to climax?

Costumes, really pretty lingerie and nightwear and the old standby of stockings to bed will let your patron create his own, private, fantasy.

Think about what he responds to in the “I like” game but keep a few likes in reserve. Because that is the other element of mistress sex, you’ll be seeing him again. Remember that there are some things girls just don’t do the first or second or tenth time they are in bed with a man; but they will usually let him have his way eventually. But make him wait.

Some men like quick, no frills, sex and a mistress is, of course, more than willing to accommodate. But adding elegant variations never hurts. Letting a patron take you hard and quickly does not preclude getting him a reviving snack, a glass of wine and then, after a bit of time has passed, bringing him back to erection and suggesting he do you just as hard and just as quickly but from  behind.

The principle sex tip for the modern mistress is be gently imaginative. Let your patron take the lead but keep going in the direction he suggest. It is this enthusiasm, the sense of wanting to dive deeper, which creates the erotic tension most men crave.

Chapter 11 | Getting Role Play Right for Mistresses

Many men have particular desires in and out of the bedroom. These can range from mild experimentation all the way through to psycho-sexual scripts of daunting complexity. Somewhere between being tickled with a feather and building a full scale dungeon, many mistresses are asked to assume a role and indulge in a little kink.

Books have been written on the more esoteric reaches of male sexual desire and they are all available at Amazon. But none that I have read answer a much more basic question: how do you, as a mistress, get your head into the game? And, more importantly, should you?

The Role of the “Mistress”

For many girls, being a mistress itself involves a good deal of role playing. For example, many mistresses have a professional name and a carefully crafted persona in her occasional advertising. She steps into this persona when she is with her patron and steps back out into “real life” when she is not.

In her mistress persona, a girl will often dress differently, change her makeup, try to be a bit bolder and generally create an alter ego.

Many girls actually have a bit of a ritual. Something as simple as putting on a bra with more than a little oomph and a pair of really sheer stockings matched to a firm garter belt can be transformative. Or, two steps back, a bubble bath an hour before seeing her patron can set a girl up for her encounter.

Making the transition from her real persona to her mistress persona is a basic bit of distancing psychology which lets girls do their business without inflicting any damage to their core personalities. The mistress’ motto, “It’s business” can transform a potentially fraught situation into a pleasant, if a little distant, interlude.

Part of donning a mistress persona is, for many girls, also a way of keeping whatever is going on in their non-mistress lives from impinging on their dates. The gentlemen callers do not want to hear about her vet bills or the cost of repairing the air conditioning on her car. They are giving themselves a treat, a little break from their day to day lives, and part of what they are paying for is the fantasy of a willing girl who is, somehow, floating above the day to day.

All of which is a role. An act as it were and one which a mistress either masters or flails at. The old joke goes, “Sincerity is vital; if you can fake that you have it made.” Which is a cynical way of recognizing that the most basic psychology of the mistress encounter is to create a bubble of trust and acceptance for the men who, you hope, will pay you well for their pleasure.

Expanding the Role

Once a girl has her mistress persona firmly in place and understands what her patrons are basically paying for, there is lots of room to expand her repertoire and range. Nothing kinky, just understanding that there are a lot of different forms mistressing itself can take.

Key to expanding the mistress role is an appraisal of who you are and what sort of mistress you aspire to be. This appraisal can occur at the beginning of your career or after months or years in the business. Because your mistress persona is constructed it is also very, very fluid.

Simple questions like, “What sort of dates do I like best?” are a good starting point. Or aspirational questions like, “Where do I want my mistress life to be in six months?” can get the ball rolling. And don’t be afraid to go negative. Asking, “Which dates have I disliked?” can make your own preferences very clear.

At the same time, thinking about how you like to present your mitress persona can lead to a lot of useful fine tuning. Do you like to primp and fuss before a date and make sure your environment is “just so”, or do you work on the “what you see is what you get” principle? Both can work. Would you prefer your patron to think of you as a bit aloof or are you all about, “kick back and relax with me”?  Who you actually are is a huge determinant of what sort of mistress experience you are going to be happiest providing.

Going deeper into your own role as a mistress gives you the opportunity to really explore your possibilities. At one level, being in control of your mistress persona will make you encounters easier and more rewarding. At another, having a rock solid core role lets you experiment with that role. Your mistress persona is the most basic role playing you do and you do it every date. So understanding that, what about all those other things patrons want you to do and will pay for?

A Safe Place

When you see your patron, there are certain, largely unspoken, rules to the game. He is paying for your time. There may be consenting adult activity. Those are the most basic; but there are others. The most basic of these is that what occurs during the encounter is strictly between the mistress and her patron. Equally basic is that while the mistress may decline to participate in certain activities she does not judge her patron for asking.

Privacy, discretion and non-judgement are as much a part of the mistress encounter as the activities between consenting adults and the monthly allowance. Most girls understand this from the go but it is worth unpacking a little.

For most men, vulnerability of any sort can be very difficult. Day to day they are expected to conform to various social, and implicitly, sexual norms. Even minor deviations from those norms can cause huge embarrassment, shame and humiliation. Whether at work or at home, many men are deeply constrained by what they believe are the expectations their wives, co-workers and friends put on them.

Within that context, a very limited repertoire of sexual and psycho sexual activity is acceptable. While the menu may be more extensive in some marriages or relationships than in others, asking for things not actually on the menu is seen as a very high risk move.  And it actually is for a few reasons. First, with a wife or girlfriend, the “ask” leaves a man very vulnerable for the duration of the relationship. Women can have long memories and can and do tease their husbands and boyfriends with whatever “perverted” thing they disclose. Worse, the mere “ask” can become fodder in divorce litigation or grist for the gossip mill at the end of a relationship. Merely to ask is to risk exposure.  Which is often why a man decides to hire an escort.

Not so much because the mistress is willing to engage in out of the mainstream activity – she may not be; rather because he can ask without consequence.

The other element of male vulnerability is their own sense of guilt and shame over what, objectively, maybe a completely trivial desire. What a mistress needs to know is that what she might see as entirely matter-of-fact, may actually have been haunting her patron for thirty years and by expressing his desire he is overcoming all those years of repression.

By keeping a mistress a man may very well see himself as buying the right to ask while also ensuring that his identity and privacy are respected. And that may be the only situation in which he feels he can express his forbidden desire. Which sounds awfully melodramatic but in many ways reflects the reality that a nice guy who is a husband, father, baseball coach, pillar of his church and successful businessman is bringing to his mistress.

A big responsibility, non?

Well it could be if mistresses were trained, registered, psychologists – but generally they are not and their responsibility is limited. The implicit promise of privacy, confidentiality and non-judgement creates the circumstances where a patron can, if he wants, express his desires. If a mistress can provide a safe psychological space she has kept her end of the bargain.

OK, He’s Asked…Now What?

When a patron has a specific request, think about it. And tell him you are thinking about it. Even if it is something which you are pretty sure you are not going to be doing, remember that sometimes your patron has taken a big risk mentioning his desire at all.

For role play to work at all, a mistress needs to be comfortable with the activity and able to actually achieve the fantasy her patron is looking for. While you may be perfectly willing to entertain your patron’s desire to dress up as a naughty elf, you are not terribly likely to have an elf costume, in his size, handy.

Even if your client’s fantasy is well beyond your hard limits – and only you know what those are – your patron may very well be deeply satisfied simply having told someone about his fantasy. (Remember that phone sex is still a money maker for just that reason.)

However, assuming for the moment that your client’s peccadillo is inside your limits and you have some or all of the props required, you still have to make some decisions.

The first is a purely commercial question: your patron has hired you for a standard mistress relationship and this new request is not standard. What to do? Upcharge for extras? Suggest that this little extra will take a bit more time and a lovely gift would be in order. Good strategies but, in many cases, shortsighted.

Being a bit cannier can enhance your revenue for literally years. Remember that your patron has told you something about himself at some risk and with, possibly, a good deal of courage. Men with kinks don’t stop having those kinks the first time they come close to having them fulfilled. In fact, if they find someone who can scratch their itch, coming back again and again is very attractive because they will not have to go through the trauma of having to work themselves up to revealing their secret to another mistress.

First, get the details. Men with fetishes, kinks and outré desires often have very elaborate fantasies surrounding their obsession. Fantasies which they often have had no one to speak to about ever. You become a listener.

Second, reflect back those details. What colour is the elf costume? Are pointy ears involved? Would it be more fun if both of you were dressed as elves? As you listen and reflect think carefully about whether you want to participate and, assuming you do, do you have the necessary props or can you obtain them?

Third, depending on the requirements of your role, it may be a good idea to suggest that you have some fun talking about what you are going to be doing when you have all the items needed to really make this real. For all but the simplest fantasy and role play a bit of preparation is a very good thing.

When it is time for consenting adult activity, you will have all the information you need to talk him through your next encounter while he is enjoying this one. Just a few words here and there will likely push him over the edge and leave him panting for more.

Professional Grade

If you are going to play a role for your patron you must set up the next date to perfection--- take the time to find the right outfit, props and equipment. And, when you are arranging the date, be very clear with your patron that you will need some money to buy them. (PayPal is your friend here.)

The last thing in the world you want to waste his money on is the Made in China crap which is the stock in trade of the sex shop business. Getting a real nurse’s uniform or, better still, a vintage nurse’s uniform at a vintage clothing shop will take a bit of hunting around but will be more than worth it come the day of the “naughty nurse” play – and likely cheaper than the see through nylon junk the sex shop sells.

Equestrian supply shops are surprisingly common – though usually located where there are actual horses – and will happily sell you riding crops and dressage whips (look them up, they are beautiful) at a fraction of the price pseudo ones go for at the “fetish” shop. Alternatively, a fine bit of rattan cane can be had in any Chinatown (and most garden shops) for a dollar or two and works exceedingly well.

If you have a little more time and resources, Amazon and E-Bay are huge sources for sex toys, bondage gear and deeply authentic cheerleaders’ outfits.

If your burly patron wants to experience the pleasures of cross-dressing, a trip to the larger size section of your local thrift store will produce wisps of lace which might actually fit.

Remember the details of your client’s kink. If he mentioned pink ankle socks or an angora sweater make a serious effort to find those exact things.

At the same time, a professional grade fantasy experience takes into account that realizing a fantasy brings a degree of physical reality to the proceedings. That means that you have to be safety conscious all the way through. While your sixty-five year old patron may very well want to be in full suspension bondage for the afternoon, his wise young mistress will decide to tie him carefully to her bed. She will also know that the important thing about being pegged is not the size of the strap-on but rather its enthusiastic use.

The one thing which a mistress has to be extremely wary of is her own restraint. Even with a wonderful patron you are increasing your own vulnerability by agreeing to serious bondage under uncontrolled conditions. While you might be game, it is wisest to submit in the safe conditions of a professional domina’s studio with her present…more fun too because you can relax.

The Real Role

Giving a patron a safe place to talk about and, later, explore his desires can build a fantastic relationship, add to your income and, in some cases, be quite a lot of fun.

The thing a role playing mistress is really selling, though, is permission and enthusiasm. Role play does not work well if a mistress is less than committed to her role as an afternoon elf. She will have a not so great time and her patron’s itch will remain unscratched. So it is much better to say, “No” than to reluctantly “give it a try”.

Which means that once you have agreed, got the kinky details, and found just the right costume, lingerie and props, you need to bring your best game to the event. If your patron’s request is something you have never done before, the internet is your friend. There is nothing the internet has not done before and there are incredibly detailed blogs and forums on every element of the vast universe of male desire. An hour’s research and you’ll know what to expect and have some idea of what to do.

Remember that playing a role means that your patron will also be playing his. You may see it as all in a day’s work, he will be seeing himself as taking a huge risk. The very idea that he has found someone he can reveal his mildly exotic tastes to is likely as exciting as the activity itself.

Just by being open, an mistress can deepen and expand her relationship with her patron. And admit it, you’ve always fancied that cute little elf costume.

Chapter 12  | The Mistress in Charge

The great world of domination and submission, BDSM, whips, chains and dungeons--- looks, and is, complicated. Just putting together a dungeon costs thousands of dollars. For dominas there is no certainty that you will attract enough paying customers to see a great return on your investment. Plus there are the leather outfits, thigh high boots, and all the other accoutrements of the domina. Great if that’s your passion, but what if it isn’t?

In every market, there are the hard core D&S aficionados who will pay serious money to have their particular fantasy fulfilled. But there are many more men whose submissive tendencies don’t run to being in suspension bondage in a frilly little girl’s dress. Or, to be more accurate, they may have that fantasy but they don’t want, or need, to act it out. Instead, what they are seeking is willing submission to a demanding woman.

For a modern mistress there are certainly potential patrons who will, to a greater of lesser degree, want to enjoy the pleasures of submission. Alpha males often need the tangible proof they are not “in charge”.

The psychology of a patron’s needs are not a modern mistress’ business; her business is to meet those needs. However, knowing a little about the dynamics of a dominant/submissive relationship gives a girl an advantage.

In cartoon form, a lot of men, particularly alpha men are “on” all the time. At work they have to make decisions, argue cases, prescribe drugs, borrow and lend money. At home they have ambitious wives, high achieving (or not) kids, and constant pressure. Even a game of golf becomes a competition. All of their actions have consequences. There is no escape from the pressure and thus, the stress simply accumulates.

There is no obvious place in this unbalanced world for a man to simply relax. Keeping a mistress is more than just relief of sexual tension. It is a brief respite from the stress and pressure of their everyday life. It is an hour or an evening devoted to their own pleasure, their own needs. For many men that experience is rewarding enough to justify keeping a mistress with all that entails.

However, for a significant minority of men, even a great “girlfriend experience” with a mistress does not take them far enough outside themselves. In a nutshell, they are still in control. They are still calling the shots. They think they are going to relax with a girl when, in fact, they are worried about their performance, whether she’s having a great time, if they are getting their money’s worth. Instead of a pleasing escape they find themselves loaded with more of their own expectations. (Not to mention all the standard worries men bring to their sexual experiences.)

So the essential dynamic at the root of the dominant/submissive, F/m experience is the removal of choice from the submissive male. At the most basic level the submissive patron does what he is told.

Most experienced mistresses know that the vast majority of their patrons, in fact, “do what they are told” but the difference between the straight and the submissive patron is that the sub gets extra excitement from the telling.

Tools of the Trade

An even slightly dominant mistress will never see a hardware store quite the same way. However, you are not in the dungeon business so you need to be able to achieve symbolic superiority with a very limited array of tools and toys. Here’s a bit of a shopping list:

1. Zip-ties – 12 inch, as wide as possible

2. Rattan canes – go to your local Chinatown or a garden center – rattan is best but bamboo will do. Cut to correct length for your carry tube. Wrap top five inches in black electrical tape, take two of differing thicknesses

3. Paddle – thrift stores have wonderful, over sized, salad tools in wood

4. Xxtra large slips/panties, camisoles – the thrift store is your friend

5. Rubber gloves/disposable gloves

6. Dildo/prostate massager – err on the small side

7. Riding crop – tack store or thrift

8. Leather carry tube – 36 inches – ideal for canes, crops, and the rest of the tools of the trade

9. 21 feet, 3/8 inch cotton (not nylon) rope in 3 foot pieces

10. A couple of pairs of old nylon stockings

11. Light nipple clamps

Those are the basics. The most expensive item on the list is the carry tube which Amazon sells for $28.50. (Amazon is a great place for all manner of out of the way items.) With a little imagination you can create a whole world of submission for your client simply by unzipping your carry case.

Dressing the Part

While the correct answer to the question, “What does a dominant woman wear?” is “Anything she wants to,” your submissive patron will tend to have visions of a black leather corset and the black high heels from Hell. While you might indulge his fantasies, the fact is leather corsets are expensive and uncomfortable. Worse, they imply you are undressed and that is something a submissive is rarely going to see.

Looks which can work well include a simple, below the knee skirt and a sheer blouse with a lacy white bra; the same skirt but with a fitted leather jacket and black lacy bra. School teacher skirt and little jacket – in a demure tweed. A pretty, above the knee LBD (little black dress) with appropriate stockings and heels. Stockings, not pantyhose. Stocking can be lacy stay-ups, or garters and all. I assure you, once you get the hang of it you will love them.

The overall look is feminine and a bit aloof. Glasses are always a good option. So is having your hair up. The naughty librarian look is well worth trying.

One key psychological element often at play is that your clients are reaching back into their early lives for a woman who represents authority. So dressing a few decades out of date can trigger the right responses.

Leave the fake dominatrix outfits in the sex shop for the suburban bad girls to wear on “date night”. Same with things like nurse’s uniforms. At the same time, if you can find a wonderful old, real, nurse’s outfit – ideally with the great old starched nurse’s cap – grab it and use it.

One element to keep in mind is that these sorts of encounter are often quite long, so you want to be comfortable. Six inch heels are perfect for a quick turn around the bed, but are not so great for supervising your submissive charge.

Showtime

The domina date is more than a little different from a regular mistress encounter. Off the top, there is no sex. Or at least none which involves you. Which raises the question: so what, exactly do you do??

For the moment let’s assume you are entertaining in your own space. Your gentleman arrives and there are several ways for the date to go. The difficulty here is that you can’t really guess what will actually give him the release he is looking for.

Some girls in this situation opt for a full and frank conversation before entering into the “session”. Not at all a bad idea. Indeed some professional dominatrix’s have full on questionnaires for their clients to fill out online or prior to their session. However, there is a slightly better alternative.

It begins with your assumption of superiority. An assumption which arises from your conversations with your patron. Your patron is not there to be consulted, he is there to do what he is told. And that begins with being sent to take a shower. Obedient men, even if they just had a shower, will dutifully have another. Brats will put up a fuss: which is perfect because now they have to take a cold shower and you will tell them when they may come out. Tell them not to lock the door. As they are showering you have the opportunity to prepare for the next move.

Depending on your mood, you can leave them a short men’s robe or, for fun, a pretty ladies robe. In either case, remove all of their clothing and place it somewhere out of the way. When they emerge from their shower in their robe you should be seated in a chair with a clear space in front of it.

Have your client come before you on your chair and tell him to turn around and present his wrists. Using the zip ties fasten his wrists, loose tie on each wrist and then a tie between the wrists behind his back. The objective is to have him effectively helpless. Then you tell him to turn around.

Some girls like their subs to kneel at this stage, others like to keep them standing. The point is that they are now in your power. And, to make that point very clear, you can unbelt their robe to expose their often shower shrunk bits and pieces.

It is usually at this point that you give him the name he is to call you. My own preferences are “Miss” or “Ma’am”, “Mistress” can work but I think it sounds a bit arch as does Mi’Lady or Princess. However, harkening back to school days with a name like “Miss Pierce” will sometimes put your client into the right mood. Make it clear that he is to use that form of address and no other or there will be consequences. He is also to speak only when spoken to or asked a direct question,

It is also a good idea to set a “safe word” at this point. Although your session is not at all likely to push any limits, knowing that saying “stove top” or “periwinkle” will call a timeout is a source of some security for your client and safety for you.

Now you can proceed. With a first time client, with your cane or crop in hand, possibly flicking said bits and pieces, you begin to question your client. A good deal of the questioning is designed to take him through what your first session contains.

This, in turn requires a bit of planning. In many ways, like a good book, a submissive’s time with you heads towards a climax which is the moment when he is least in control of his situation. It might be a through caning or something much lighter where he has to put on his slip and panties and do a bit of lingerie hand washing. It is never a bad idea to give him some corner time with his nose pressed against the panties he’ll be washing. Nor should light rope bondage be dismissed.

Setting him some tasks to perform and be evaluated on is useful. If he is to be whipped – and almost every client will need some level of corporal chastisement – it is worthwhile to have him recite his infractions and apologize for his sloppiness. Putting him in a nighty and tucking him into bed with his arms and legs bound will give him a sense of tranquility. And if you flip down the covers and pull up his nighty before he is paddled right there in bed he’ll be able to relish his powerlessness all the more.

Some men enjoy a good deal of humiliation both physical and verbal. The varieties of odd activities which submissive men enjoy is boundless. From serious cross dressing through to detailing your bathroom with an old toothbrush, each man will have his own peccadilloes.  And a clever domina will find all the things she needs done – house repairs, ironing, folding laundry – and men who will be delighted to do the work and pay her fees if they are allowed to complete the tasks in a good firm girdle and be properly punished for any mistakes.

By starting the session by outlining what’s in store for him, a client is able to signal where his preferences lie. And, of course, you can tell him he has to tell you the absolute truth or else.

Psychologically, a client is usually most satisfied when he sees a clear connection between his behaviour and his treatment. If you plan to let your patron ejaculate at the end of a session, it should always be a reward for bearing his punishments well.

A domina always has a good deal held in reserve but visually available to her client. Having a crop, a cane and a paddle doesn’t mean you’ll be using all three in a session; but the patron who is cropped will leave wondering what the unused paddle would be like. The same is true of anal toys: they are almost never used in at the beginning, instead they are an earned threat to keep your patron on edge.

A Domina and a Mistress

Some patrons will want all of their encounters with their mistress to be experiences of dominance and submission, others will keep their submissive desires under wraps for most of their encounters. All of which a mistress can easily adjust to. A delightful, completely vanilla, evening is a treat.

However, where a patron has revealed a submissive side, a wise mistress will ensure that even on the most vanilla dates there will be an allusion to her patrons “special needs”.  This can range from a playful remark or two through to having a patron kneel in his corner while you undress.

One of the most effective domina elements in a mistress situation is to require your patron to satisfy you before even thinking of his own satisfaction. It changes the entire mistress/patron dynamic.

Where a mistress is called upon to be the dominant partner it is also a very good idea to set what appear to be rigid boundaries on the D&S activities. If her patron wants to cross dress, the clever, modern, mistress takes her time before letting her patron wear more than a pair of panties. The pleasures of a firm girdle or a pretty nightie, are held in abeyance. The same with such things as prostate massage (and make sure you use a good rough pair of kitchen rubber gloves if you decide to grant him this boon), strap-ons or golden showers. These may be his thing but you need to be a “good girl” and make him work for his doubtful pleasures.

The inherent difficulty with domina activities is that men will almost always want more of the same. Once they have crossed the line and trusted their mistress with their dirty desires they will want to dig deeper. For the mistress who wants to keep her patron happy and productive, leaving him wanting just a little more is a perfect way to ensure he continues the relationship and, because you tell him to, brings you the pretty, valuable, things you want.

Remember that the dominant mistress is actually in charge. This cannot be halfway: either you are in charge and he does what he is told or you are not, in fact, a dominant mistress. If a patron wants a domina you can either be who he wants or move on. For some modern mistresses being in charge is unappealing. For others it can be a way to add an entirely new dimension to a very old arrangement.

Chapter 13 | Mistress Style: Glamour – Putting it all together

It is easy to think that glamour is something other women do. That, somehow, there is a glamorous life out there but it is being lived in Paris and New York and Monte Carlo and has nothing to do with your particular life as a mistress or as a woman. That glamor takes designer dresses, big diamonds and limos, lots of limos.

Well I am here to assure you that glamour is not where you live or what you have, it is about who you are. And it is very, very valuable.

Boring people will dully explain that mistresses sell sex. And boring mistresses will think that is what their business is all about. And then they will wonder how girls who are not particularly beautiful manage to command premium allowances, have condos bought for them and drive a cute little Boxter. After all, those girls are unlikely to be ten or fifty times as good at sex per se.  So, how are they managing to find and attract patrons willing to pay so very much.

To answer that question and then to act on the answer, can create huge opportunities for an ambitious girl. But the answer is a bit counter intuitive so bear with me.

At the low end of the mistress world there are the sugar babies who are happy to receive a couple of thousand dollars a month for “their time” which loosely means, sex. Not much else, maybe the occasional burger out or roll in the soiled sheets of a NoTell Motel. It is a good thing the idea of sugar baby was invented because what these girls are actually doing is escorting at a wholesale rather than retail level. At the other end of the spectrum, pretty much out of sight of the sugar baby world, are the mistresses and courtesans at the very top of the market and, of course, the gentlemen who seek their company.

The sort of man who is willing to spend tens of thousands a month for an allowance and gifts, is not likely to be there just for the sex. Not saying that never happens, rather saying that it is more than a little rare. Men who have this sort of money are usually pretty smart and with intelligence comes complexity and a degree of imagination.

Glamour

In its original Scotish form, gramarye spoke of magic, the occult and enchantment. Glamour is far more about the imagination than about any bit of cunning make up or clever dress. And that, of course, is what a glamourous woman trades upon.

Part of the burden of being intelligent is boredom. At a certain point in a successful man’s career, what used to be challenging becomes matter of fact, his triumphs are the same as last years’ triumphs. Rather than seeking attention his attention is sought. This can happen at any age but it is quite rare in men under forty. The Peggy Lee tune, “Is that all there is” plays fairly constantly in the background.

As a general rule, really successful, intelligent men do not have the “buy a Porsche, ditch the first wife, find a blonde” in your face midlife crises which blemish the lives of their subordinates. They are much too practical and level headed to commit personal and professional suicide; rather they look for ways to channel their dissatisfaction so as to both deal with the problem and cause minimal disruption to the success of their lives.

Intelligent, successful men tend to be very good at analysis. They can look at a problem, divide it into its parts and come up with optimal solutions.

The solution to “I am bored, I am dissatisfied” is very unlikely to involve leaving their wife, losing their children and their assets and generally behaving like an idiot. Instead they will look for solutions which scratch their specific itch.

Sex may be part of the solution but, as I have said, sex in itself is unlikely to actually fill the void. Men often think what mistresses are selling is sexual but they are usually wrong. In fact what a mistress is about is a fantasy in which sex is embedded in a much larger, escapist, illusion.

Enter glamour.

Even the wealthiest client lives in a work a day world where the women he deals with balance the practical with the beautiful, the elegant with the everyday. Whether it is his wife, his personal assistant, his lawyer or his broker, the women in his life will usually have downplayed their feminine side in order to get along in an egalitarian world.

Not so the mistresses who work at this level. In fact, quite the opposite. From lingerie to lipstick, the top end mistress is all about accentuating the feminine, the beautiful and the luxurious. Where a female partner in a big law firm has a haircut and manicure designed to be largely maintenance free, a luxe mistress is very high maintenance indeed.

Buffed, polished, glossy and groomed, the real mistress, the modern mistress, understands her value as a luxury, an indulgence and, secretly, as the trophy a man gives himself for being clever enough to be able to afford her. Her patron is enjoying the pleasures of a glamorous woman.

The Glamour of Alexandra

Alexandra is a twenty eight year old Midwestern mistress. “I love the whole pampering, glamour, fancy dresses and luxury lingerie part of being a mistress. Sure, I can throw on a pair of capris and a cute little top and be out the door in ten minutes; but that is very much not what I am selling.”

“Start with where I work. I was lucky enough to find a brilliant, quite large, loft apartment near downtown but in a very safe area. It’s a small building and there are only four spaces but the owner designed it so that each space has a really private entrance. I have lived there for five years and I have never even seen one of my neighbours.  There is a secured parking lot just down the street which is important.”

“It has taken me a couple of years to furnish and decorate my space. I haunt auctions and pick up nice pieces of modern or Art Deco furniture. The whole space is very minimal. Lots of clear, clean surfaces. In the corridor I have a gorgeous hall table with a single tray for envelopes. Black and white, framed photographs and a single, fresh stem of a really sexy flower – think Bird of Paradise or orchid, never roses or carnations – are all my patrons see on arrival. And me.”

“I read somewhere that glamour was actually all about lighting. I think that’s right. It is about contrasts and textures and a sense of presentation. My dates are almost always in the evening and I have my space lighted for effect. There is a pool of light by my double black leather love seats and another on flowers I have arranged on my dining table. In the bedroom there are bedside lights and a light behind the screen I have at one end of the room.”

“I am lucky because I have very dark brunette hair and pale white skin. That contrast lets me wear great clothes and pretty, black, lingerie. But it also means I can use makeup very effectively. I aim for a look which is well outside what my clients see day to day. I don’t use a lot of makeup, just a light foundation, smokey eye shadow, eye liner for emphasis and a cute “flip” plus really, really red lipstick. I pay a lot of attention to what the models in the magazines are wearing and I match it to some extent. I want to look “finished”.”

“For a mistress it is usually clever to dress in layers. And while I thoroughly enjoy lingerie shopping with my patrons – and they enjoy it too – I also prefer to have my money in the bank rather than on my back.”

“Even the wealthy, sophisticated men I prefer to see have no idea what they are looking at when they look at women’s clothes. But they will spot things like really luxurious fabric and the simple design which takes real elegance to carry well. Paying attention to designer consignment – both in my city and on line – means I can buy the Armani and Prada which works for me at a fraction of the retail price.”

“It is easy to fall for the idea that dressing glamorously is somehow about dripping diamonds and being swathed in furs. I have no objection to diamonds and I love vintage furs; but neither are essential to a glamourous look. For me glamour is much more about being really well put together with bag and shoes matching and little touches like a hat and gloves. It is a throw back to a world where women reveled in the fact they were completely different from men.”

“Everything I do from my discreet, vague ads to my scent – I actually buy perfume online which was discontinued in the 1990s – is calculated to appeal to my patrons’ often unconscious nostalgia. But it is not a nostalgia for a particular era exactly, rather it is for a world less complicated and less fraught. The way I put it in my ads is “Step into my world where ladies enjoyed the kindness of strangers”.   The allusion to Tennessee Williams is deliberate. I am always delighted at how many of my clients are very literate indeed.”

“I am not show stoppingly beautiful; but I clean up very well indeed and I spend the time I need to make the most of my looks. I keep my hair longish and can range from a quick flip and blow dry to full-on hot rollered curls. But whatever look I am going for I make sure I give myself enough time before my date to really finish the look. That means when I walk into a restaurant I look terrific, I know I look terrific and I feel great. Which shows. I usually have eyes on me when I walk into a nice bar or attractive restaurant. Regardless of what happens later in the date, my patron is going to be delighted to have such a radiant creature join him.”

“If I do my job right, from the moment my patron sees me across the room to the moment he leaves my home he will feel privileged. Lucky. On top of his world. And, of course, that really starts when he sees the reaction I get from the men who I will not be joining.”

“A big part of glamour is timing. Whether it is that moment of hesitation when entering a crowded room so that people can get a good look at your outfit, or a moment or two taken as you are undressing so that your patron can anticipate the pleasures which await, every move I make is considered. It is not a “routine”; rather it is really just a particular way of being in the world.”

“Every mistress is, of course, selling a fantasy. Whether it is “the girl next door” or the pillow chested beauty who just can’t get enough, we all cater to the imagination of our gentlemen. How we play with our patrons’ imagination is the value add a mistress brings.

“An early patron of mine took me to this rather quiet bar which was lightly populated by these stunning women and the men who enjoyed them that I realized what my niche was. The “stunning” women were, for the most part, not all that amazingly great looking. But they were polished and cleverly dressed. I could recognize some designer dresses – I am a bit of a fashion buff - but it was the overall look which worked. They simply looked expensive. Like pampered racehorses. Lightly tanned, beautifully toned, clever haircuts and limo heels: these girls were the glittering prizes men strive for.

“I was totally intrigued. I had no idea if these women were mistresses or not. It didn’t matter, I wanted to be in the business of selling the sheer glamour of how they presented themselves. Having a goal is a wonderful thing because it lets you plan.”

“I set out to find men who were looking for a girl who was just as polished, as elegant, as unobtainable as the girls in that bar. Instead of spending the money I was making on the day to day, I started saving to buy the outfits, the bags and shoes, the minimalist modern furniture. It takes money to create the illusion of glamour. And I looked for nearly a year before I found the perfect stage, the perfect space, for what I had begun to think of as my glamour show.”

“And I read. Fashion magazines, beauty books, books on being kept, books about decoration and dresses and putting together a “look”. I actually made myself a “look” wall when I first got the loft and had a bed, a chair and a table and not much else.”

“I was inventing Alexandra. I liked the slightly Russian, slightly Greek sound of the name. I liked the faintly European suggestion. There is a Las Vegas glamour. And then there is a Paris, London, New York glamour which is understated. That was where I wanted to go.”

“Dita Von Teese famously said, “I advocate glamour. Every day. Every minute.” She’s right. I realized that to create Alexandra it would not be enough to put on a pretty dress at five for cocktails at 5:30. It was a full time job which resulted in Alexandra being able to walk into any place in the city and have, for a moment, all eyes on her.”

“As I said, glamour doesn’t need to be expensive. Rather it is a discipline. Like yoga or meditation: you wake up and you begin the regime. Whether it is a trip to the gym or a fast walk on a cold day, you take your exercise. You have a day hairstyle and day make up which make sense. You do your skin care and wear your sun block. You see your hair stylist once a week, your pedi/mani waxing girl pretty much as needed. You research your beauty products and you learn how to use them. You-Tube is critical.”

“You look for brilliant, beautiful clothes and furniture. When I started with glamour I wanted nothing more than one, great, luxe outfit with the right shoes and the perfect bag. And a string of pearls like Audrey Hepburn wears in Breakfast at Tiffanys.”

“Bit by bit I invented Alexandra with the pretty dresses, sizzling lingerie, perfect love nest apartment and alluring, subtle, one off advertising. I am not her but I have to admit I wish I was.”

“A glamourous mistress is not for every man. Which suits me. However, for my patrons – and I spread the glamour around a little – seeing Alexandra three or four times a month is almost a ritual. Drinks, dinner and then back to my space for a nightcap. Alexandra is a glamourous gift my patrons treat themselves to. For a few hours these intelligent, successful men are dazzled.”

“And here is the wonderful, but unexpected, truth about glamour: women become more, not less, glamourous as they grow older. Because glamour is far more about sophistication than it is about raw, youthful, prettiness. So Alexandra’s glamourous nights as a successful mistress will run for several more years. She is just becoming more glamourous.”

Chapter 14  | Off-time for the Perfect Mistress

Ah, what in the world to do? A mistress, even a busy one, will find herself with time on her hands. Let’s face it, being a mistress just isn’t a twelve hour day job any way you cut it. What you do in your spare time is a choice of course. But you can either waste it or work it to your advantage. An ambitious mistress uses her off time to improve her marketability and her skills. And a modern mistress takes time for herself. From an outside perspective, being a mistress seems like the easiest “work” in the world, but those in the business know that it can be physically and mentally taxing. And if you don’t care of both body and mind, you aren’t going to be in the mistress biz for long. So, sit back, relax, and keep reading…..

Men keep mistresses for a wide variety of reasons and while most mistress dates end much the same way, adding value can make the difference between a patron having a so-so experience, and a patron eager to come back again.  The more a mistress brings to her encounters, the more likely she is to have loyal (and generous) patrons. So rather than surfing the net or reading fashion magazines, you, as an ambitious mistress, can start using your downtime to be productive.

Stay Informed

The further up the patron ladder you go, the more your patrons will expect from you. Knowing a little about the world is a huge asset. Basic things like headline news, how the economy is doing, which local sports teams are winning, is one side of the equation. And it is a side which will let you carry on a conversation and ask intelligent questions over cocktails.

There are terrific resources online which will keep you in the information loop. Simply scanning Google News once a day will keep you up to date. Remember that reading about issues gives you a knowledge base in order to interact with others. Discussion, debates, differing opinions and viewpoints all serve to expand your world and your attitudes. But bear in mind, spending too much time online means you may miss the stimulation which real live humans can give.

The other side of being informed on the big issues, is the softer, more feminine world of food, fashion, design, wine, and books. You don’t have to be an expert, rather you need to learn your own tastes.

So how do you do this? Get the basics down pat, and then get good at something. Really dig into a subject that gets you excited. Then you can delve further into your favourite aspects, and then get really good at it. Yes, practice, practice, practice---and you will eventually acquire a specialty or a specialization. For instance, you love to bake? Great! Bake cookies, bake bread, bake macaroons. Read cookbooks, scour http://food52.com/ , http://www.thekitchn.com/  and http://smittenkitchen.com/ for starters. Figure out what you love to make most (cheesecake? pie?) and make them until you can do so like a master, like a machine. Make as many flavours and variations as there is time and recipes for. You know the old adage that it takes 100 hours of practice to do something well? So, get started. Whatever gets you moving with a spring in your step is what you should to be doing. And getting to know IT, is really a way of getting to know YOU.

Not every subject you explore is going to stick. But the ones that do are the ones that are in sync with something deep within you. This can be a source of fun, a hobby, a distraction; or it can be life-changing. You may, for example, discover you have an eye for design, then go on to learn that your penchant is for sleek, simple, modern lines. In furniture, in décor, in art, in your wardrobe choices. You become a more interested and interesting human being because you suddenly see the world around you in a whole new way. This opens up ideas, doors, and is often the springboard for life shifting decisions. The kind of exciting, adrenaline-racing moves that succeed because they are based on self-knowledge rather than based on whims or whimsy. Your drive and focus is like a magnet, bringing new people into your sphere, and in turn you have something to offer as you enter theirs.

How does this tie back to improving your life as a mistress? Well, you absolutely sparkle because your life is much more than the mistress your patron keeps. Ironically, having a big life not at all attached to mistressing makes you likely to be much more successful at your art.

The layers of knowledge and the skills you develop in your off hours are the ones that only those who come to know you are privy to. For others, they get glimpses of something more than that which meets the eye. Your patron invites you to a dinner date; you know which restaurants are best; you know what to order because you know what you like; and the wine list is not some indecipherable hieroglyphic document because you know about grapes and matching food with wine. Your patron, in your capable hands, is guided to a fabulous experience, as well as a fabulous meal. He’ll remember the evening, and remember you in particular. In fact, you might not last long as a mistress, because some smart and perceptive man is going to snatch you up, you gem, and make you his girlfriend, or wife. We romantics still believe in happily ever after. But we also believe we make our own luck. You’ve used your spare time to make yours. Hurrah!

Education

Many people consider their education as essentially finished when they have graduated from high school or college. This does not have to be true, even if you are a mistress. Particularly if you ARE a mistress, in fact. Taking a course or a certificate, or even an entire college degree, will enhance your life as a mistress. Simply having interesting things to talk about as a result of what you are learning will add a dimension to your patron’s experience with you. Having a degree, or working on one, will make you more marketable.

Alternatively, rather than taking random courses which interest you, think about the possibility of taking a certificate course which will give you skills. What do you like to do? Whether it is woodwork or soapmaking, having an mistress’s income and schedule lets you take courses which will give you skills for your post-mistress life, or which will allow you to set up a sideline business to test and get off the ground while you still have your mistress income to fall back on.

Classes

The difference between a class and a course is that a class will teach something pretty self-contained. In most cities, classes are available for everything from basic webpage design to knitting to art.

While most classes are offered in the evenings and are potentially a scheduling nightmare for a busy mistress, there are usually others to be found during the day and on weekends. So, with a bit of planning, a mistress can learn what she wants, or needs to, in a way that doesn’t interfere with her schedule. Most mistresses have their mornings free, so taking a college level course on anything from Chinese art to accounting will only take up a couple of those a.m. hours.

Some classes will further your knowledge in a subject you already know something about. You can work your smart phone, but can you get the most out of it? You can take a picture, but can you take a picture worth framing? Learning the basics of photography or graphic design gives a mistress the ability to work proficiently with photographers and ad designers by speaking the industry jargon they understand. You can speak their language, as it were. Or you can cleverly learn graphic design. If you get really good at graphic design, there is also great potential in setting up a sideline business or working as a freelancer. A work from home gig allows you to work around your mistress schedule while giving you another income stream.

Taking a make-up class can really make a difference in enhancing your look and your make-up application skills. Learning from real pros can let you take your basic make-up and adapt it to different mistress encounters – sultry evening looks are not the same techniques as those for a lunch date. Department stores often offer free makeovers, and although you are not obligated to buy the products, it is nice if you buy a little something, both as a way of compensating the clerk for her time, and so you can replicate the look at home.

From a business perspective, acquiring a basic proficiency in another language can be very lucrative for a mistress. Language classes are easy to find, as are private tutors who will often come to your home to teach. If flexibility is what you need, a tutor is the route to take. Foreign speakers will often trade off time with you so you can practice your Italian with them, for instance, if they can practice their English with you. As a mistress, you don’t have to know the written form of French or Chinese to charm the generous gentlemen from these areas. Learning basic conversational versions of in-demand languages gives a mistress a competitive edge. And it’s just darn useful: you can travel, you can translate, you can order. Translated: freedom, money, survival. Yep, a pretty good skill to have.

Interning

Because you make your money from your patron(s) , you can afford to take on intern jobs which pay little or nothing but provide experience and also fill in any chronological gaps in your resume. Having an intern gig, or a series of gigs, means that your resume will have entries during the time you have been a mistress. No small thing if you eventually are looking for a job. From a mistress perspective, the best thing about interning is that since you are not being paid, you can usually set your hours to mesh with your mistress schedule.

If you want to know more about the fashion business or interior decorating or public relations, keep an eye out for intern jobs. When jobs do come up, it is often the eager intern who has already learned the ropes, who is hired. Better still, use that mistress moxie and create an intern job where there isn’t one. Pick a business where you think you would like to work and where interning would teach you something you’d like to know, and pitch them your idea. Even if your only skill is enthusiasm, on the right day that might be just what they need. (One word of caution: that patron who happens to be the PR manager for a large company? Don’t ask him for an intern position. It’s awkward and blurs too many lines. You can ask if he knows of any PR shops looking for an intern. My bet is he will be thrilled to help.)

Volunteering

Very similar to interning, but usually more charitable - or service - oriented. For the mistress, a three-hour-a-week commitment visiting the elderly or helping at a food bank is unpaid time that is rewarding in other ways, and overall beneficial for her mental balance and general sanity. The mistress lifestyle can become unreal very, very quickly. Volunteering for a few hours will reconnect you back to the reality of the day to day. It also reconnects you with who you are as a person, not as a mistress.

If you want to gain by doing good, (tisk, tisk), volunteer to sort merchandise at your local thrift or consignment store. Most sorters are allowed to have first dibs on choicer items – your collection of stockings, vintage garter belts, girdles, and stunning sleepwear will soon be overflowing your closets. Some shops even have staff discounts. Because you are a mistress, you have the time to volunteer and so you should take advantage of the opportunity. Some girls who have the thrifting bug and a great eye, make a goodly amount of cash by reselling retro items for a substantial profit. Used(your city).com and your local craigslist are the way to advertise your goods for free and connect you with your potential buyers. So are E-Bay and Etsy.

Exercise

For obvious reasons, exercise is (or should be if it isn’t) a priority for a mistress. Staying in shape has more benefits than just a tight tummy and a pert bottom. It means staying healthy in a stressful environment. Even a daily walk in the park will make you fitter. Taking time away from your mistress lifestyle is essential for health and general happiness.

For some women, the gym is the solution. An hour every couple of days devoted to a stepper or a stationary bike will work off those high end dinners. Look at very light weight training. Nothing will tone up your arms and legs faster than weights but make sure you get good advice. Remember that getting sore is not the same as getting strong. Get help. Time with a personal trainer will let you set up the best possible exercise regime. And since you are paying for the equipment and the services, this monetary commitment encourages you to show up even when your motivation may lag. The gym scene is not for everyone, however, so look into yoga, dancersize, Pilates, and other fitness classes. Walking, running, and cycling groups will give you comradery and the motivation to move.

As helpful as group-driven activities may be, there is also a lot to be said for the self-propelled program. Doing your errands on a bicycle will give you a workout without really even noticing it. So will walking rather than driving. Sure, if you are going to a date downtown and you are wearing four inch heels, a cab is the way to go, but whenever you can, leave the car at home. Or, better still, if you live in a city with a good transit system, sell the car and save the money. Even budgeting for a monthly cab allowance is cheaper than gas, maintenance, insurance, and parking. And Uber.

Grooming

A mistress’s look is a key part of the package she presents. But even though grooming is important, it doesn’t mean it can’t be fun as well. A regular mani/pedi and wax for all the important bits is basic. But why not combine it with a facial, a good soak in a mineral- rich deep spa tub and followed with a full massage? Yes, spa services are an extravagance; but often if you ask nicely, you would be surprised at how many men would be delighted to fund your pampering as a prelude to their own.

A great haircut can rocket you several price points up the mistress scale; but you have to maintain the cut, the colour, and the condition. Again, yes it is pricy, but for a mistress, her grooming can be the difference between a reasonable allowance and serious money. Just a more polished, head-turning you. Play the game and look like you’re worth it.

Mindfulness

A huge problem mistresses face is burnout (anxiety, depression, lack of energy or ambition). Doing much the same thing day after day, especially where there is a good deal of intimacy with potentially unsympathetic patrons, and a lack of privacy, can all add up and leave a mistress drained at the end of her week.

To build up reserves of inner strength, a practice of Mindfulness is a habit a mistress can cultivate. It is not difficult and there is no right way to achieve it; rather it is the capacity to be still and reflect inwardly. It is a way to process the events of the day-- the encounters, the conversations, the actions-- to mull them over put them in their place, and have a state of inner peace about all that transpired. Meditation is another practice helpful for mistresses. To be quiet means silence in your environment and in your mind. Setting aside a few minutes every day to sit still and think about absolutely nothing takes you out of the world of goals, and achievements, and commitments. Interestingly, the personal benefits of both practices, also extends to your escorting business because it gives you an ability to handle yourself and others with a degree of gentleness and openness.

Someone to Talk To

People in high performance, high pressure, confidential jobs - lawyers, doctors, judges, spies - are encouraged to have a professional confidential listener available to them.  Professional listeners range from psychiatrists through counselors all the way to priests and spiritual directors. Professional listeners let the people they listen to unload their "stuff"  in a safe,  private, non-judgmental setting. In some cases the people they listen to have real issues which they are working through, in others the listening is not issue driven.

As a mistress, you often join the ranks of the professional listeners. You hear your patron's secrets, their hidden fantasies, how their marriages are faring and, from time to time, you provide consolation and, often, healing. But who hears, consoles and heals you? Sometimes meditation, mindfulness, and exercise are just not enough to relieve your stress. If being a mistress is something you prefer to keep private, friends are sadly not part of your support system. And your patrons are not paying you to talk about yourself. So, who do you talk to?  Who listens to you?

For an hourly rate, there are lots of counselors whose job it is to listen.  No judgment, just the occasional question to keep the ball rolling.  Checking in once or twice a month for an hour’s chat about how you are doing can make the difference between burnout and a healthy, unconflicted attitude.

No money to spare on such a session? Or not really wanting or willing to? Buy a pen and a notebook. Start a journal. Talk to yourself in the pages. You will be amazed at how, in the act of writing your life, things become clearer, problems start to sort out, and you gain a fresh, new perspective. After all, nobody knows you better than you do.

Chapter 15 | Man Talking – The Art of Conversation for Mistresses

While many men see their mistress for sex that is often not the only or even the main reason a man seeks a mistress. As the lovely Joni Mitchell wrote,

“He comes for conversation
I comfort him sometimes
Comfort and consultation
He knows that's what he'll find”

Men are both terribly complicated and deeply simple creatures. For a mistress the deep simplicity is understood and, in a way, the complexity is simply put to one side but both create the opportunity for conversation and not a little comfort and consultation.

At its most fundamental the mistress/patron relationship is confidential. Even if a man takes mistress to a White House dinner – and it has been known to happen – no one but the mistress and her patron have any idea that money has changed hands and that there is a greater than zero chance of intimacy after dinner.

At every level of the paid companionship business, from cheap and cheerful service providers to mistresses and courtesans, a client is looking to have his needs taken care of quietly and discreetly. The more of those needs a girl can service the happier her patron will be and the more likely he is to tip and give those delicious presents on top of her allowance.

A man seeking a mistress is usually looking for several things at once: first the obvious and I will not dwell on that. Second a step outside his ordinary life.

As a mistress, a girl needs to realize much of the attraction of a mistress experience is it is not “every day”. It is clandestine to a degree, transgressive – those marriage vows are being broken along with any number of taboos – more than a little “naughty” in that it flirts with exposure and the possibility of real reputational harm. At the same time visiting his mistress offers the possibility of a safe, private place in which a man can talk about his needs, desires and fantasies with a woman who, in theory takes a professional, non-judgmental view of what she is told or asked to do.

Why are you here?

Just as a surprising number of men ask escorts the old chestnut, “What is a nice girl like you doing in a business like this.” a surprising number of mistresses don’t bother to ask their patrons “Why are you here?” Which, as in counseling or the legal profession or medicine, is always the most important question to ask.

Conversationally, “Why are you here?” is an open ended question which is to say that in asking it the mistress is not presuming any particular answer. She might get a rather explicit answer from some of her friskier clients but as a general rule, asked kindly, “Why are you here?” gives her patron a chance to speak openly about his expectations and desires for the their encounter. Over time this will be less important but it is critical for the initial dates

This is very much a “lean in” question for a mistress. She wants her patron to hear the question and her body language should tell her client that she is interested, genuinely interested, in his answer.

Active Listening

People who listen for a living – from psychologists to focus group managers – develop the capacity to do something called “active listening”. It is a learnable skill and a huge plus for any mistress. “Active listening” is nothing more than the listener giving the speaker clues and cues to continue speaking. Some of these are the obvious verbal, “Tell me more.” or “And how do you feel about that?”, some are nothing more than body language – leaning towards the speaker, facially responding to what they are saying – and some are surprisingly subtle: for example, sitting with your arms crossed tends to shut down conversation, putting your elbows to the side and holding one or both palms up looks invitational. A good mistress tends to develop great skills reading other people’s body language but it is just as important for a mistress to pay attention to her own.

Using very basic active listening techniques and body language a mistress can create a safe space in which her patron begins to be able to speak comfortably. This is a huge gift to give a man because, as he becomes more comfortable, he is able to relax and actually begin to enjoy himself.

There is an old joke about the egomaniac who says, “Well, that’s enough about you, let’s talk about me.” A mistress does not talk about herself, rather, like the Japanese geisha her job is to let her client say what he needs to say.  Many men are effectively silenced – at their jobs they have to be careful what they say, at home, after a long marriage, their wife has heard their stories and their children pay them little attention. The very nature of a fragmented, noisy, distracting, world means that a mistress’s patron may have not managed to finish a sentence in weeks, much less have his words attended to.

So while many people mischaracterize men who keep mistresses as paying for sex, a better characterization of the mistress relationship is that her patron is paying for the mistress’s full attention. Her willingness to place her patron at the focus of her attention is one of the hallmarks of a successful mistress.

A clever mistress is careful to set the stage for her encounters. A simple thing like turning off the smart phone ringer and the email alerts sets the mood. Her patron, after he is comfortable, perhaps with a refreshment, can see by his mistress’s preparations that she is now entirely focused on him. There is nothing more flattering than the full attention of a pretty woman.

Active listening sets the stage for conversation and conversation lets a client know his companion is actually interested in who he is and what he thinks. Conversation is the engine of seduction and seduction is why mistresses are given their lovely allowances and perfect presents.

Without being entirely cynical about it, a savvy mistress will try to steer the conversation with her patrons to the places they want to talk about. And she’ll tease. After all, in any but the shortest dates, the main event needs more than a few preliminaries. Each of these can have an escalating level of erotic frission; but there is no point in chatting about adult activities until a man is actually ready. Taking the time to put your patron at his ease, to actually ask him why he is there, to find out how his day or week has gone, breaks the ice and tends to ensure that the other activities very much are of a piece.

Taking charge

Part of the art of feminine conversation, and a part which is too often neglected, is that a mistress is very much in charge. She takes the lead and sets the pace. Remember that many of the men who can afford a mistress’s allowance, spend most of their working day leading. They are the “go to guy” at their law firm or in their company. It is pressure which many men have simply internalized. They don’t even notice they are required to be in charge from the time they hit the office door. Other men spend their time selling. And selling, just like leading, is all about taking the initiative, answering objections, closing the sale.

For successful men an hour or two in which they are not expected to be in control, not required to lead the discussion or win the meeting is a hugely welcome change of pace. Simply by asking easy questions and listening attentively to her patron’s answers a mistress is able to guide the conversation and control the pace of her encounters.

Can a mistress flirt? Of course she can. And she should. At an early stage in a date, as she is leaning in to show how closely she is listening to her client, it never hurts to lightly touch his arm. Nor will it detract from the conversation if a mistress, engaged in listening, dangles a high heel or undoes a button on her blouse. If her client comments, so much the better. But a quick deflection with, “Plenty of time for that a bit later.” will pique his interest.

A twenty minute conversation between a mistress and her patron can easily move from strangers passing small talk to an intimate conversation about what the patron enjoys about women. If the mood is set that intimate conversation can move from words to action with the mistress leading the way. We will draw a discreet veil over the activities of consent adults and move on.

After the Fireworks

The end of the encounter, the few minutes of dressing and leaving, are, conversationally, where a mistress can go a long way towards making sure her patron is thoroughly delighted with her. Now, it is a well known phenomena that men, having been serviced, often want to scoot out of the encounter or have his mistress leave almost instantly. Part of what they think they are paying for is avoiding the intimacy which a non-mistress date pretty much demands after sex. It is an almost physical male response.

A clever mistress recognizes this but also understands that her patron would be delighted with praise for his performance and reassurance that his more exuberant activities, or his particular desires, were very welcome indeed. The key here is to realize that psychologically, once a patron has been serviced he steps out of his fantasy about his mistress experience and into a moment of potential buyer’s remorse. Getting past that moment will create a hugely positive memory for the mistress’s client.

In this post-glow conversation a patron may be particularly aware that to his mistress the earlier activities were “just business”. Which they were, but a clever mistress will find ways to push that fact to one side while she pursues her own agenda. And what is that agenda?

Getting past the buyer’s remorse is about establishing a connection with a specific person who has a name, a set of preferences and techniques and a life which you have, if you have been clever, gained a glimpse of.

Start with another open ended question, something like, “I just had a wonderful time, what was your favorite thing?” It doesn’t matter what the answer is, as an active listener, you will be ready to follow up with a simple but enticing response, “Perfect. That’s one of the things I just love doing for a man. Next time you are here we can really explore. First times are always a little awkward for me.”

What this sort of sequence does is put the patron in a protective role. She is asking him for his affirmation and most men are terrifically flattered to be asked. Rather than scuttering out the door, many patron will take a little time to reassure their mistress. As they do they are powerfully convincing themselves they have had a wonderful time and that their mistress is worth every penny.

Yes, this does take a little while. Call it five minutes rather than two; but it is the most effective marketing a mistress can do for herself because now she has her patron looking forward to their next encounter.

Never underestimate the allure of a polite, respectful girl asking a man to return and have her again. Especially, when she is wearing little more than a transparent robe. Done well, the little ceremony of leaving will remind a mistress’s patron that he wants to come back.

For comfort and conversation. Like Joni says.

Chapter 16| Mistress Style: Travelling Companion: Girl on the Go

“I’m not really an elite girl.” Sam told us over Skype, “I’m not super model pretty or super busty or anything. Which I think my clients like. But I don’t think my patrons are exactly looking for super models. I mean some of my clients could certainly afford super deluxe escorts and I know some have tried those sorts of girls; but they come back to me because I am offering a lot more than what’s between the sheets.”

“I’d been doing conventional escorting through an agency for a couple of months and, truth to tell, I wasn’t loving it. It all seemed so impersonal.”

We had found Sam through an ad on an escort site which was very different indeed.

“Travelling companion!

Elegant, educated young lady is looking to expand her horizons and yours. Overnight or around the world, I live to travel and I am very good at it. Business or pleasure, travel can be stressful. Let me make all your arrangements. Bespoke trips, mutually beneficial arrangements.”

“It is deliberately vague.” said Sam. “I advertise on a couple of escort sites but I also have a full website and social media accounts which are equally vague. Because a few years ago one of my first clients explained to me what I was offering.”

“We were sitting in a pretty little seaside café in Victoria up in Canada. We’d taken a ferry from Seattle and were waiting to check into this amazing old pile of a hotel, The Empress, where I had found a fabulous off season deal on a suite, and we wanted to have a bit of a walk. I’d arranged for our bags to be sent to the hotel and we’d wandered down the waterfront of Victoria’s Inner Harbour.

“My patron brought our coffee to the table and without any preliminaries said, “Do you know what you’re actually selling?” I said that I thought I did but would be interested in hearing what he thought. He was off.

“You’re what, twenty five?” (I was 22 at the time but was not going to contradict him.) “I’m going to be fifty next year. I have a bunch of the toys – you like my Porsche – and I have a very nice, rather expensive, ex and a couple of kids who I see often. And I have a great business.  Which I own so I can expense items like this trip up to Canada to look at a new market. So, all that and a lot more. Since the divorce I’ve had friend set me up with dates and a couple of guys I know like to go to places in Seattle where it is pretty easy to meet women. Which is all great. But the women I meet are usually in their thirties, one marriage, with or without kids, down and very hard-nosed. They want “serious” by the third date. I don’t.”

“What I want is some fun. No expectations. No hassles, no drama. Which is why I was looking in the escort ads. Now, escorts are great. To a point. But you know and they know that it’s business. And so is this of course. A weekend away. With a pretty girl. But with all the business left behind us.”

“Sam, what you’re selling is illusion. The pleasure of a travelling companion without any of the baggage which normally is dragged along on a trip.” My client was, I thought, telling me much more about what he was buying than what I was selling but it didn’t matter because, to be a successful mistress, you need to have a much more than sex to sell.”

“I kept running my ad and I thought about how I could make the illusion all the more real. My actual business is to travel with my clients on the Westcoast and into the various ski resorts. Usually two or three nights but I will make exceptions for regular clients. Other than Canada, I stay in the US. Again, with exceptions for regulars.”

“What I am offering is a whole package of services. I take the whole “companion” idea seriously. My clients want a “get away” and that should be a smooth, easy, relaxing time. And, of course, travel itself, with the airport lineups, crowded planes, lost hotel reservations, crazy cab drivers, crappy rental cars, bad food and money rolling out the door is incredibly stressful. A lot of my clients travel on business and they hate it. Part of the reason why they hate travel is because they don’t have me to organize their trips”

“Travelling for pleasure is, or should be, entirely different from the heart attack inducing world of business travel. First off, you don’t have to be anywhere are a certain time. Or, more accurately, the world will not end if you are twenty minutes late for your dinner reservation. There are a lot of things which, if you do your research, can turn high stress into total relaxation. And, if you are a bit flexible, you can find amazing deals for transportation, rooms, events, flights which actually make a huge difference to the money stress of the trip.”

“It’s funny. Most of my clients really do not have to worry about a few hundred dollars in hotel expenses. Realistically, if they can afford my fees, they can certainly afford the best room in the house. But, weirdly, on the road a guy who makes million dollar purchase decisions in five minutes will get bent out of shape wondering whether to book a room or a suite and, if a suite, then which suite. I take care of all of that.”

“When a client calls me, and after I have thoroughly screened him, I spend a bit of time – usually by email – chatting about what he likes to do, where he would like to go, where he has been.  I get an idea of his budget. If we are getting along I’ll suggest that I send him a couple of sample itineraries.”

“I like to go to places I have not been, but I am also an efficient girl and I will usually send three different itineraries for three different destinations or “trips”. Two of them I will have done myself previously and one will be new to both of us. For new clients I prefer to have a home base in a city fairly close to where I live. Oh, you noticed that I don’t mention where I am based. Well, it is something of a secret but if you think Oregon you will not be wrong. I know the I-5 just a little too well. I also pretty much know the exact times the commuter planes run to Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles and Denver.

I think nothing of hoping a plane to meet a patron for a couple of hours before a trip. He pays the fare but I am happy to invest the time. It also lets us get the business arrangements either completed or partially completed before we meet for our trip.

A lot of my success as a travel companion is about creating the situations in which “chemistry” – whatever it is that brings two people closer together has a chance of happening. It is a fine balance. I can see why girls who escort like to keep a professional distance; but I am not going on a two hour date or even an evening with dinner. I am going on a trip and for my patron to have fun I need to really engage with him. Think “acquaintances with benefits” at the start of the trip. Almost always friends at the end.

Having an itinerary is huge part of the whole thing. I like to try – for a weekend away – to get to our destination fairly early on the Friday. Most of my clients have no trouble at all leaving their office at noon and, if that works, I arrange to pick them up somewhere they are comfortable. If possible, I prefer not to fly to the destination. Obviously, if your client lives in Seattle and wants to go to San Diego there is going to be a plane involved. But an hour or two in a car or a ferry ride can always be pleasant. Here’s a hint – for much less than it will cost for two to fly business class you can usually arrange to have a lovely old Rolls or big Lincoln drive you a couple of hundred miles. A good chauffeur is discreet and there is no end of adult entertainment fun to be had teasing in the back of a big car. Alternatively, I’ll often have clients who would like nothing better than to take their pretty sports cars on a drive other than the morning commute.

No matter what, I like to make sure we are at our destination at least two hours before our dinner reservation. I also like to make sure that I have a confirmed suite. Now, there is much to be said for grand downtown hotels and I love the luxury and the room service; but there are much better deals to be had renting a really lux condo for the weekend. And, yes I am a huge fan of Airbnb.com.

The most important thing is “no hassles”. I’ve actually found that renting a fabulous downtown loft can turn out to be easier than going through the craziness of a big hotel. And, of course, it is much more private. It does mean having to do a bit more planning and prep. But most of the lofts I have rented for trips come equipped. And they usually have a great internet connection and things like an espresso machine. Bring the champagne and the little treats and you’re set. Plus, and this is key, they are usually a lot bigger than most hotel suites and have at least two bathrooms. No small thing when you are spending the weekend with a comparative stranger.

“As my early client pointed out, what I am really offering is a few days with a pretty young girl who is paying close attention to all her client’s needs. But a lot of those needs have much more to do with having a companion than a sexual partner. After all, even the most eager man, with more than a little Viagra, will exhaust himself after a couple of rounds. So from where I sit, it is the intimacy and fun of the moment rather than the sheer quantity of adult activity which creates the best memories.”

“Which is not to say that I don’t pack pretty dresses and sultry lingerie. Of course I do. Part of the mistressy element of the trip. And delicious sheer nighties and silk chemises. Because, if I do one thing very well indeed, it is tease.”

“One of my clients told me that what he had really enjoyed the first time we travelled together was that I was actually playing quite “hard to get” for most of the trip while, at the same time, being sexually suggestive, as he put it, in a way that what he called “regular” girls just aren’t. I think he is on to something. I have a couple of girlfriends who know what I do on weekends and they maintain that they just couldn’t fake being interested in a guy for a whole weekend. Neither could I.”

“What my client and my girlfriends were really getting at is a particular thing about how many women deal with sexuality. On my travel dates I play the good, bad girl. To all outward appearances, I dress, walk, speak and have the expectations of a well brought up young lady. But, with a bit of privacy, my client may see my bra peek out of my blouse and, very possibly because I like very low cut bras, my nipple will be on display. For his eyes only. You get the idea. My travelling persona is a very sexual, very brazen young girl who, nonetheless is not going to just rush into bed with the man she’s travelling with.”

“To really work well my trips need the illusion of erotic tension. My client needs to have a faint sense in the back of his mind that he might not enjoy my favours later in the evening while, at the very same time, he needs to know that I am just dying to end up in bed with him.  And I am ruthless in pursuit of that tension. I’ll shoo my client out of the suite or the condo while I change for dinner. I never let him see me naked – not that I have anything to hide but rather because I read somewhere that French women never let their husbands see them naked and it struck me as a very good idea. I’ll demand he run out and get me flowers. I’ll arrange to have him pick me up in a bar as if we are strangers.”

“Most of all, for the entire weekend everything from our itinerary, the sights we see, our activities, where we eat and drink, our accommodations and our bedtime are all up to me. If I do my job right my client will have spent three days without having to make a single decision about anything. Plus, he’ll be in a state of some erotic excitement for most of those three days.”

“As I mentioned I advertise in the escort sections of a couple of websites. But I also run ads in print media which read much the same way. My marketing is all designed to get potential clients to my website. When I started out I had a pretty standard website with a small gallery and my rates and my availabilities. But when I came up with the travelling idea – inspired by some of the “travel dating” sites which are out there - I changed the whole look. I wanted clients to get that the “sexy” end was just one part of what I was offering. Same with my social media. I take selfies and have my clients photograph me in the places we go and in the suites or lofts we’re staying in. Modest for Instagram and Facebook, a little naughtier for Twitter.”

“In the winter I usually have five or six “ski dates”. These are wonderful because if you are in Vail or Sun Valley or at Whistler you pretty much know what you are going to be doing during the day. I grew up on skis so it is no big thing to ski 100,000 vertical feet on Blackcomb, have a fabulous dinner in the Village and fall into bed after a little quality adult time in front of the fireplace.”

“This is very different from escorting. No worries about law enforcement. No hassles at hotels. Just the occasional eyebrow raised when I check in with a man who is thirty five years older. Which I am fine with. But most of the time, if we’re in a hotel, we get fabulous service because we’re in a great suite. Hotels like that.”

“The nicest part about being a travel companion is I really do have a lot of time for my clients. I get to know them. Of course, if you treat your clients well they will want to see you again. I have half a dozen regulars who I am totally comfortable with. With those clients a week on Maui or a few days in New York is possible and fun.  One of my regulars wants to do the whole “spring time in Paris” thing next year which I am really looking forward to.”

“One other thing about the whole travel companion business is that I don’t worry about keeping what I am doing on the weekends a big secret. Sure, I don’t advertise under my own name; but if you are booking tickets and crossing borders your name is going to be out there. But what I actually do on my trips and the fact that there is a business arrangement is the only part I make any attempt to conceal. Otherwise I am pretty open. I meet nice men who like to go on trips…And I go.”

Chapter  17  | How Not to Get Caught: A Primer for Men

Some men really should not be allowed out the door without a minder. The sheer folly which leads to men getting caught keeping a mistress is astonishing. The fact that they are visiting a mistress is entirely up to them; but no matter how you look at it, keeping a mistress counts as cheating on your wife or girlfriend unless you have her permission and, even then, watch out.

Getting caught cheating - whether with the lovely woman down the street or a mistress, drops a man into a heap of trouble. It can put you on the fast track to divorce with the 50% asset stripping and general expense and overall pain. From the wife’s perspective, cheating with a mistress may or may not be as bad as ending up in bed with your secretary. But let’s leave that for later.

While keeping a mistress may be the official “crime”, a wife is going to be just as angry at the fact that you were disrespectful enough that she found out about it. In most cases the wife or girlfriend was not actually looking to find out or snooping; she’s found out about your mistress because you were careless enough to let her. And that is deeply insulting. That a man keeps a mistress is one thing, that he lacks the respect for his wife to cover his tracks, is quite another.

Let’s start with the basics:

- If you are married or have a steady girlfriend it is a good idea to assume that she is paying attention. She notices things. She has learned your patterns, what you do on Tuesday night.

- She knows what you smell like.

- If you arrive home two hours late and freshly showered she’ll notice. “Mistress” might not be her first thought, but the seed of suspicion will be sown.

What creates suspicion can be pretty minimal: unexplained absences, a change of routine, a change in attitude, being short of money, dressing a bit better, being more attentive, being less attentive. In each case, change triggers suspicion.

Suspicion, in turn, leads to alertness and that usually means your wife or girlfriend will be looking for signs and evidence. Evidence can be pretty much anything. The obvious – an unexplained card or telephone number in that little pile of stuff which comes out of your pockets at the end of the day. A quick look at the numbers dialed on your cell phone. Or a look at the browser history on your computer.

As well, calls to where you say you are going to be to remind you to pick up some milk on the way home are quick and easy. If you are not where you say you are going to be it is not conclusive evidence but it is uncomfortable making.

There is no recognized point where you are “caught”. It will vary from woman to woman but the point is that at some point she will have assembled enough evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, which will lead to a confrontation which you will not be able to win. Which is exactly what you do not want because if things get to the confrontation stage, your mistress visits are the least of your worries.

An Ounce of Prevention

If you are in a relationship but want to keep a mistress, you need to have a plan long before you pay your first visit.

The first essential is to develop a routine which has fixed, specific, gaps in it where you are both not at home and off your cell. Something which is innocent and, ideally, solitary, and most importantly, true.

An almost perfect routine is a twice a week swim. Actually going and swimming lengths for an hour and a half twice a week means that you have eight opportunities to visit your mistress every month. It explains why you will look freshly showered coming home from a visit and it means you are off your cell for a minimum of two to two and half hours. If you visit your mistress four times a month it will also have the benefit of sending your fitness level through the roof. Going for a long run and then to the gym will work as well.

The key thing is to establish the pattern so that your wife fully expects you to be at the pool or the gym a couple of nights a week. Your visits to your mistress don’t raise suspicion because you are expected to be absent.

Once you have a pattern established make sure you don’t get caught by your bank statements or credit card bills. Try to pay your mistress’s allowance in cash. She’ll be happy to avoid the hassle of a cheque and cash itself is untraceable. However, if you withdraw exactly the same sum twice a month from a bank account your wife has access to, that will raise red flags. Much better to withdraw smaller, odd amounts on an irregular basis.

A good story and clever cash management does not, however, put you in the clear unless you exercise really precise communications discipline. Your smart phone and computer are your worst enemies if you would like a discreet rendezvous with your mistress.

Your smart phone records the details on every call you make and receive as well as keeping a browser history of its own. (And with the right software, it will beam its location to anyone who happens to be curious.)

Some men will use their corporate phone and computers to make the necessary arrangments with their mistress. Depending on your company’s policies and the curiosity of the IT department this is an excellent way to get fired. While arranging a friendly golf game on corporate IT resources is almost always seen as fair ball, setting up encounters with your mistress on company equipment is, itself, a firing offence and if someone is looking for a reason, this provides ample just cause. Don’t do it.

A few bits of intelligence will let you use your regular devices to communicate with your mistress. Most modern browsers – Chrome, Firefox, Safari – have a stealth mode. Use it.

- Get a second  SIM card for your smart phone. The fact is that having a second smart phone is going to look very suspicious – indeed it is a “tell” that a girl works as an escort – but a second SIM card it tiny, can be locked and effectively gives your phone a whole new identity.

If you only use your second SIM card for your mistress activities it provides you with a safe number for return calls, a place to store your lovely mistress’s details and pretty pictures.

- On your smart phone, with your second SIM, set up a secondary gmail account. This should be close to your own name and, if that name is taken, try your.name.private which is usually available. This account should be reserved exclusively for mistress activities. With the gmail account you will get email and Google’s SMS/messaging application which allows you to text.

- Beware of syncing. Occasionally, you will set up your second SIM card and requisite Google accounts and, because Google is vast and clever, find that the pictures you take on your phone with the mistress SIM card in place, find their way to your regular Google backup gallery. Or in the phone’s gallery. This can be more than a little incriminating depending on your mistress’s willingness to engage in a bit of amateur photography. Before using the pieces of your incognito set up it is a good idea to ensure that all of the sync options are turned OFF. And even then, take a few pictures of flowers and see where they end up. Unless you are sure they are not going to your normal accounts it may be best to suppress your inner shutterbug.

Basic cyber-security is only as good as the person using it. Going to the trouble of setting up a private phone and computer system is useless if, even once in a while you forget to go into stealth mode on your computer or call your mistress using your regular SIM card.

The nice part of a mistress relationship is that it is regular. Tuesday night at 8 is easy to remember and requires no communication at all once it is in place. If you have to cancel, well, while it would be nice to tell her the fact is that you are not dating. You can make your excuses the following week.

However, even if you are meticulous about covering your cyber tracks the fact is that people are caught up all the time by little things. The classic example being a scrap of paper with your mistress’s name and number on it that you, by mistake, leave in your pant’s pocket. If your wife does the laundry, you’ll have some explaining to do. Similar mistakes include an unused condom when your wife is on birth control or a Viagra tablet which went unused. Any one of these items leaves you busted.

A basic precaution is not to write things like your mistress’s numbers or address on loose pieces of paper. Using the contacts feature of the second SIM card is much more secure. But even that might be compromised in some circumstances and here a little bit of subterfuge can save a lot of difficulty.

Busted

If you take the precautions outlined above you will have to be pretty unlucky to get caught seeing your mistress. But any good plan has a Plan “B” and your mistress may, despite your best efforts, be discovered.

When a man is confronted by his wife or girlfriend with his infidelity with his mistress, he faces a number of options none of which are terrifically attractive. They range from the lie direct, “What are you talking about? I have never been unfaithful to you in my life,” right on through to full confession.

Obviously the choice of whether to lie outright to your spouse or significant other is one not to be approached lightly. If a man lies about his mistress and his wife has hard evidence which contradicts his lie, he is pretty much doomed. On the other hand, a full confession in the face of soft evidence or mere suspicion of mistress activity ensures that a man is convicted with his own words.

Matrimonially, there is no 5th Amendment. You have no right to silence and, in most relationships, silence is an admission of guilt. So any serious Plan “B” needs to work towards determining how much evidence your wife has of your mistress escapades.

One factor in any successful Plan “B” is the knowledge that your wife knows you very well. If you have a track record of evasion and lying, she will assume that you are deceiving her about your mistress. On the other hand, if you “never lie,” that track record is going to improve your chances.

A second, equally important factor, is the very real possibility that your wife or girlfriend is not disclosing all the evidence she actually has. So, when you say, “What are you talking about, of course I don’t have a mistress. Why would you think I had?” don’t be surprised when she pulls your secret email account with dates and places and amounts.

A third factor is what you think your wife wants to believe. If you are in the midst of a rough patch in your marriage, the chances are your wife is ready to think the worst of you vis a vis women, beers with the guys and your abject failure to fix the sink. On the other hand, if all is going swimmingly, your wife may very well want to dismiss her suspicions that you may have a mistress. It could well be that the last thing your wife wants to hear is that she’s right and you do, in fact, have a mistress.

There is very little you can do about your wife’s present attitude, but there is a great deal you can do to establish a track record and get complete disclosure of the evidence. The track record is nothing more than good manners. A long streak of honesty is not only useful when potentially caught in the mistress jam, it is also, indirectly, a good way to keep the marriage on a happy, even keel.

Getting all the evidence requires more than a little finesse. In some ways it depends on your significant other’s line of attack. The simple question, “Are you seeing someone else?” can easily be parried with, “Why would you think that?” which, in its turn is likely to bring the basis of your wife’s suspicions to the surface. Better to know what you are up against.

A more confrontational approach - your wife flat out says she knows you have a mistress - can be dealt with in much the same way, “What do you mean?” may sound a bit disingenuous but it gets the conversation rolling and the evidence on the table.

If the evidence of your mistress activities is circumstantial, if there is no smoking gun, a partial admission, “Yes I have been thinking about taking a mistress, but I never done anything about it.” may work. But make sure you know exactly how much evidence your wife has.

Ultimately your wife may very well have hard evidence that you have been keeping a mistress. It is not unreasonable to think you are pretty much hooped when confronted with that but it may not be too late.

So far, if you have been smart, you have not denied seeing a mistress. You have avoided the lie direct and the insult which it inflicts. If the evidence is solid your options narrow to confession and a plea for forgiveness, or admission with an explanation. Neither are ideal outcomes.

Both confession and admission need to be as narrow as you can make them: one transgression with a mistress is much easier to forgive than a series of encounters. Again, find out how much your wife actually knows before saying much of anything.

A straight (if narrow) confession of a single lapse combined with a promise never to see your mistress again may, if your wife is in a forgiving frame of mind, get you off the hook. It will mean you’ll be watched like a hawk for months, if not years, and that your mistress activities will be on hiatus for quite a while; but a single lapse is likely forgivable.

An admission with an explanation and a plan going forward is a much riskier strategy but may be the only course open if your wife has hard evidence of multiple mistress encounters. Again, try to keep the admission of seeing your mistress as narrow as possible but have an explanation which, while it leaves you looking awful, reassures your wife that your extra-mural activity does not imperil her marriage.

A good strategy is to admit that you have a particular fetish/activity which you find compelling but which you just never thought you could bring yourself to ask your wife to participate in. It does not have to be nasty, just sufficiently embarrassing that your wife will understand how you could not have asked her to fulfill your needs. It is a great deal easier for a wife to forgive your mistress encounters if she can see they were the only way you could balance your cravings with your respect for her. It may not be entirely true, but it is plausible and that is all that is needed.

Good planning, a well established routine, careful cash management and attention to communication discipline should allow you to keep your mistress well below your wife’s radar. Having a solid Plan “B” in case of detection will minimize the damage to your marriage or relationship in the event you are caught.

Having a mistress creates a risk of detection but minimizing that risk is nothing more than the good manners a gentleman always displays towards his wife.

How Not to Get Caught: Take Two

On the other side of the coin, if all this subterfuge seems more Maxwell Smart than you care to be, and according to your ethical code deception does not denote respect, then you first should examine why you are keeping in the first place, and secondly, realize that you would be more credible and honourable to stand by your decisions and actions and take the heat and the consequences if and when the occur.

That means using your cell phone and computer without techno wizardry to conceal—yep, her name and phone number comes up in the memory—and on the history of your computer.  The cover-up is no longer a tangled web of deception that takes on shadows darker than the “crime” itself. Keeping a mistress, while not welcome news to wife or girlfriend, is actually not as bad as being a weasel about it.

In some circumstances, particularly where there is a long an good marriage, kids, assets and social position at stake, your wife, after the first shock, may actually be relieved to know that you have a mistress. So much better for everyone than if you were seeing hookers or, worse, a subordinate co-worker who will line up to sue for sexual harassment.

Chapter 18  | Why Mistresses Are No Threat To Wives

The traditional scene is repeated over and over in households across America. The husband arrives home late. The wife is angry. There’s a fight. He comes up with a lame excuse, she doesn’t believe him but can’t prove anything. She thinks, but has no evidence to confirm, that he is seeing “another woman”. He is, but won’t admit it. The wife starts looking for signs and, eventually, finds them. He’s caught. His wife has found the proof that he is seeing another woman. Now what?

In the big world there are two sorts of “other women”; women who are seeing a husband because they are interested in him; and women who see him on a commercial basis. For a wife who wants to keep her marriage intact, a commercial arrangement with a mistress is a much better outcome than the discovery that her husband is seeing a co-worker or a girl he met in a bar. In France, where there supposedly exists such a flurry of extra-marital affairs, they actually have a term for a discrete rendezvous in the hours after work: a cinq a sept (five-to-seven).

It is a truism that men are not, by nature, monogamous. And this is particularly true of men who are successful. Alpha males – and more than a few Betas – tend to have fairly voracious sexual appetites. While it is certainly possible for a man to keep his marital vows, the fact that he strays may simply be in his nature.

From the wife’s perspective, having a successful, confident husband is deeply attractive – not just because of the material advantages and the potential for great kids – because it means she has effectively won the matrimonial sweepstakes. The downside being that her prince is also more than a little likely to be just as attractive to other women.

For an intelligent, mature wife, the question is not if, but when, her husband strays. And if that is the question, then the answer is damage control. Difficult as it may be for a woman to discover her husband’s infidelity, the fact is that infidelity comes in many guises.

Escorts anecdotally report that the majority – sometimes the vast majority – of their clients are married or partnered. And, given the size of the escorting industry, that means that there is a great deal of infidelity to go around.

Most mistresses – in the old sense of that word– namely women who have an allowance paid by a patron for their favours – also tend to have patrons who are married. This is commercial infidelity and a sensible wife will recognize that a mistress poses far less threat to her marriage than a girlfriend or co-worker would.

For mistresses, infidelity is not their problem. It is not even an issue in what is for them, a purely business transaction. They are selling companionship and intimate activity for a monthly. From the mistress’s point of view, the last thing they want is any emotional or personal entanglement with their clients. And, of course, a mistress knows the old saying, “When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy.”

So, here is why a wife should be relieved her husband has a mistress rather than having a girlfriend.

- A Mistress Does Not Wish to Marry Your Husband – The biggest danger that a wife faces when her husband is unfaithful, is that the woman he is unfaithful with will want to replace her. In other words, that pretty file clerk is not sleeping with your husband just for fun. She has what old maiden aunts would call “designs”.

For a woman who has invested years of her life in a marriage, the last thing she wants is for her husband to trade her in for the girl in cubicle #4. With a mistress there is not the slightest danger that infidelity will be anything more than business.

- Safety – No married woman wants to be at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. And no mistress will willingly indulge in unprotected sex until she has known her patron a good long while. The problem posed by the girls your husband may pick up in bars is that they are the sort of girls who sleep with guys they pick up in bars. Safe sex is not “optional” with a mistress, it’s usually mandatory. With a one night stand in a bar or at a convention, it may very well be forgotten. One thing a wife can count on if her husband is seeing a mistress, is that the mistress will be professional.

- A Professional Situation – Wherever a mistress is seeing your husband she will control the situation. Personal safety and discretion is a paramount consideration. The measures they take for their own safety will also ensure your husband’s safety. This extends well beyond the use of condoms. A mistress wants to be physically safe which usually means finding an apartment or condo which is in a low crime area and which has things like building security and secured parking. If a mistress is going out with your husband she will be very careful to avoid situations which, frankly, your husband shouldn’t be in in the first place.

- Married Sex is not Mistress Sex – As enthusiastic and lusty as a wife may very well be, the reality of marriage is that sex can often become comfortable, predictable, and well, even boring. Perhaps this is why couples are taking to spicing up their sex lives with sex tapes and the like. While there is much to be said for catering to these bedroom antics in marriage, there is also a good deal to be said for outsourcing the more outlandish sexual activities. This very much depends on the couple but a husband who explores his inner sexual athlete with a mistress may well be a kinder, gentler lover in the marital bed.

- Fetishes – Men being the wonderful and complex creatures they are, have obsessions. It is not true that women cannot have fetishes, they can, but it is relatively rare for a woman to pursue a particular fetish with the single mindedness a man can bring to the objects of his desires. Again, a loving wife may be very able to cope with her husband’s desire to dress as a French Maid and paint his toe nails; but the problem is that this is almost never what the wife would actually be comfortable with. Plus, truth to tell, seeing her wonderful alpha husband in lady’s clothing or with an improbable object in his bottom, may diminish her respect, if not her love, for him.

Mistresses, on the other hand, make a good living from catering to the various sexual diversions of their patron. Better still, because their patrons are paying for the privilege of being tied up or “forced” to wear high heels or worship Mistress’s feet, there is a pretty clear line between an hour or two of fantasy, and real life.

- The Expense is Controlled – A mistress negotiates a monthly allowance. They are certainly delighted to get tips and presents are always acceptable; but at the end of the day, there is a limit as to what a man will pay to play. A mistress has a fixed allowance as well as the little gifts, clothes and cash gifts which her patron gives her. A limited expenditure.

Now, from the wife’s perspective, this expense may seem too extravagant and it may indeed impact the family budget. However, unlike the costs of a girlfriend which are effectively limitless, mistress’s allowances are predetermined. Better still, because a mistress is a luxury purchase, if times are tight a husband can forego his adventures in infidelity without significant consequence. A mistress understands that part of her arrangement is that it can end abruptly.

- Limited Drama – The last thing a wife wants is some strange woman calling at midnight and screaming down the phone that her husband…well, anything really. A wife simply does not want any such calls, emails, or encounters/harassments of any kind. She especially does not with the girl from Cubicle #4 arriving on the doorstep with a love-child or a Writ claiming palimony.

Part of the commercial nature of the transaction with a mistress is that it is finite. A mistress is paid for her time and when that time is up, the relationship is over. Discretion is part of the package.

- A Mistress Will Not Fall in Love With Your Husband – Your husband might fall in love with his mistress, but that is usually the last thing the mistress wants. If the mistress is truly a professional, she approaches her patrons with a good deal of detachment and keeps her business and personal life in separate spheres. Of course some patrons are much more fun to see and mistresses will have favorites; but emotional entanglement is not on the agenda.

Where a man might well lead a girlfriend on with promises of undying love and such like, that will just seem silly when said to a mistress. And most mistresses take it as a matter of professional pride never to become emotionally involved with their clients.

- A Mistress Listens – This may sound threatening to a wife. After all, she listens. But there is a huge difference between what a man is comfortable talking to an mistress about, and what he discusses with his wife. It is, in an odd sort of way, therapy with a happy ending.

For many men, having the outlet a mistress offers a place where they feel they can talk about the real issues they face in their lives. At home they have to keep up a particular “front”. And even the most understanding wife has - and should have - views which do not necessarily always support her husband’s. An mistress is there just to listen, not to judge.

- Mistresses Can Restore Men – We live in a society where men are often taken for granted. Even a loving, understanding, supportive wife cannot always be present – as the New Agers would put it – to keep her husband optimistic, cocksure and appreciated. An hour or two with his mistress can work wonders for the ever fragile male ego.

Many men, after the first few minutes with a skillful mistress, forget or compartmentalize the fact she’s being paid. Instead, they see a pretty woman hanging on their every word and making an effort to seduce them. They cannot help but be flattered by their mistress’s attentions and, when the encounter is over, often leave with a bounce in their step.

All of which brings up a radical notion, can a mistress actually enhance a marriage? Obviously this very much depends on the marriage and the scenario in which the mistress is being seen.

The biggest issues with a husband straying are two-fold; first, the infidelity itself can damage or destroy a marriage; secondly, there can be a good deal of dishonesty surrounding the mistress keeping.  All manner of subterfuge can be employed to keep the wife “in the dark.” Once broken, the trust bond is the hardest to mend.

The core of these problems is a very North American, deeply puritanical attitude toward the proper workings of marriage itself. For most women, their marriage is over at even a hint of infidelity. Their “self respect” requires the nuclear option pretty much the instant unfaithfulness is detected. Within such marriages therefore, there is a huge incentive for husbands to be deeply deceptive about an extra-marital encounter. (Unless of course he really wishes to extricate himself from the marriage, then infidelity will almost certainly lead to divorce. A cowardly and pathetic strategy that works, but inflicts great harm and hurt.)

In this inflexible marriage stricture, women do not pay much credence to the nature of the extra-marital activity, but that it exists at all is sufficient cause to call in the lawyers and the real estate agents. Sadly, the aftermath for husband and wife, not to mention children, are usually ruinous.

Discovering a husband’s indiscretions is often shattering for a loving and devoted wife. A reaction of restraint - “turning a blind eye” as it were to the occasional sexual shenanigan, is often the wisest approach for a wife not willing to play into the commonplace infidelity hysteria, and in order to preserve both her marriage and her husband’s dignity. As French psychologist Maryse Vaillant put it, “There’s an unspoken agreement: the husband does everything to respect his wife and make sure she doesn’t find out, and she does everything she can not to know anything.”

On the other hand, a husband’s liaison with an alluring woman is much more potentially problematical than an evening with a well paid mistress. One threatens the marriage; the other is merely an extravagance.

Channeling a straying husbands attentions to a mistress avoids the potential disasters of a romantic relationship developing whilst ensuring a wife retains a degree of control over her husband’s philandering. She can, if she has the evidence (read the upper hand), set out her own terms for her husband’s wayward behaviour. Ironically, this may come as a relief to a man who loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her or destroy his marriage over a bit of “playing around.”

An “out of my sight” rule is a good place to start - with the wife simply asserting that she does not want the potential embarrassment or scandal of her husband’s dalliances making any social ripples, and so, he is to keep his mistress discreetly.

Alternatively, a wife might explain to her husband that if he must keep a mistress, she would prefer that he see a decent girl in locations where he is sure to be safe. Most wives will stop short of actually picking the girls, but it is not unheard of.

If it is within ones means, perhaps the best arrangement of all is to have your husband keep a mistress (in the old sense of the word, that is). This is a mutually beneficial, commercial relationship. And in this case, the benefit extends three ways:  the mistress entertains the husband and is well compensated; he derives pleasure and the macho thrill of seduction and a vital sense of virility; the wife has a deeply grateful and contented husband, and keeps him; and all parties have the advantage of security and discretion.

With some couples, this works wonderfully well. It is for the sophisticated and the emotionally strong, it must be said. Such a triangular arrangement is embodied in this wonderful anecdote:

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning woman comes over to their table, give the husband a kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.

His shocked wife says, ‘Who was that?’

‘Oh,’ replied the husband, ‘that was my mistress.’

The wife says, ‘That’s it; I want a divorce!’

“I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend of theirs entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

‘Who’s that woman with Bob?’ she asks.

‘Oh, that’s his mistress,’ replies her husband.

‘Ours is prettier,’ says his wife.

So, regardless of how a couple arranges their affairs – marriage and otherwise – it is always a personal and private matter to be worked out as they see fit. Life and love are complex, paradoxical, and not for the faint of heart.

Conclusion | The Modern Mistress Decision

Glamour, fun, free time, luxury, designer bags and dreamy dresses: why isn’t every young girl a mistress at some point in her life?

The simple answer is that the idea never occurs to most women. Whether they have absorbed the ideology of “Pantsuit Nation” or have been convinced that “Nice Girls Don’t” or can’t imagine sleeping with a man old enough to be their father for all the money in the world, the very idea of being a mistress of any sort is not something they are even aware of.

But you, clever thing that you are, have read this book. And you didn’t read it by accident. Somewhere in the back of your mind you have at least wondered if the multiple pleasures of mistresshood are for you.

Obviously only you can make the decision whether or not you want to become a modern mistress but here are a few tips for making that decision.

Strategic Planning Tips

WRITE IT DOWN: Get a pen and paper and start making notes.

SET GOALS:  Either one big goal or a number of small ones. Write them down.

SET DEADLINES:  Draw a timeline – put your goals at one end and think about what you need to do to achieve them and how long each step will take.

BUDGET: Think about everything from advertising to lingerie – what will each of the items actually cost? Assess hard costs and look for ways to reduce them.

BUDGET FOR A PROFIT: Put together a revenue estimate. To be a mistress is to be in business and business is about profit. Being a mistress is not about “just getting by”. It is about making real money over and above what you will need to live.

ONE PATRON OR….Every mistress starts with a single patron. But there is no rule which says a well-organized mistress cannot enjoy the attentions of several gentlemen. The nature of the mistress relationship means that it will be rare to see a patron more than once or twice a week. Which leaves plenty of time to see another.

OVERCOME OBSTACLES: Identify the problems (current and future) – reaching your goals will mean overcoming roadblocks and the best way to do that is to have spotted them well in advance

BRAINSTORM: List alternatives – begin with “doing nothing” because that is always an option, but then carry on thinking big.

If at all possible, sit down with someone you trust and respect and discuss your plan. This can be a friend or it can be a professional.

BE FLEXIBLE: Be ready to adjust your plan to reality.

Long Term Strategy

Setting a goal six months or a year ahead is a great first step towards strategically planning your business. It lets you think beyond the day-to-day. However, a one-year plan is not the same as a long-term plan, and that long-term plan can be the difference between a successful professional career and just getting by.

Regardless of why a girl becomes a mistress, there will come a day when she wants to exit the profession. Thinking about, and planning for that day, is all part of thinking strategically.

Some goals will be about money, but some of them will be about a life after mistresshood. What would you like to do? Where would you like to live?

Having a long-term financial plan is an important first step. Yes, it is hard to save while leading the mistress lifestyle. Yes, it is unpleasant to pay taxes. But if being a mistress for a year leaves you with $5,000 in a bank account, you are miles ahead of a girl who might make more than you do, but spends all of it. Building a savings program into your plans will mean you will have some freedom when you decide to cease being a mistress or to reduce the time you devote to the profession.

Money is one side of the equation, the other side is who you are and who you would like to become. Economists talk about human capital and that is all the things you do to make yourself more educated and employable. It is also the development of a career or a business outside the mistress world.

Part of any long term strategic plan needs to be the development of a “story” which will explain to a potential employer what you have been doing during your mistressing years. A big blank spot on a resume can cost you a job. So part of the long-term planning process needs to be filling in that blank.

Even a busy mistress can make time to take courses, work a part-time job, intern or start a at home business.

Long-term planning – thinking five to ten years down the road – takes many of the same tools as a short-term strategic plan. The essential difference is that a long-term plan will take into account the changes a girl hopes to make with her shorter term planning. In effect, a three year exit strategy is the sum of the yearly strategic plans.

Taking Time

Planning takes thought. It takes having some facts at your fingertips and the time to consider the paths that various decisions will lead to. Making a strategic plan at either the one year or the longer term level, means taking some time.

Sitting in your favorite café with your phone turned off and your notebook in front of you is the moment where you can take the time to think strategically. Ask the big questions: What do I want in my life? How does being a mistress bring me what I want?

These are not questions which you can answer in ten minutes; but they can be contemplated as you walk to the café, as you sit enjoying your latte and as you open your note book and write, “My Goals”. With a destination in mind, the journey begins with a single step.

The Thoroughly Modern Mistress

Fifty years ago to even think about becoming a mistress was not something an intelligent, well-educated, women would contemplate. Even then it was a very old fashioned concept and while there were certainly girls in that position they usually did not arrive there intentionally.

The world has changed. At least a little. Now a woman with a good job and great prospects might well decide to become a mistress simply for the luxury and security a wealthy man can provide. Or a girl wanting to launch a career can see how the cash flow and connections a wealthy patron can bring can speed her along her way.

There is no single path, no “ah ha” moment; rather each woman as she makes her life may, at some point, decide to begin a relationship with a man where money rather than love is the driving force. Of course, most modern mistress relationships are not just about the money: friendship, affection and what can be years of intimate sharing are all part of the package. Which is, of course, what distinguishes the modern mistress from even the highest end escort. A mistress is not ever just about the sex.

Can you become a thoroughly modern mistress?

Yes. Eyes wide open, no illusions but also an absence of cynicism. You are making your own decision for your own very good reasons. If you decide that you would like to see what the mistress world has to offer make sure you arrive with a plan. Be patient. There is no rush.

The fact is that just as there are only a few modern mistresses there are just enough modern patrons who will value and respect the gifts a mistress will bring. One gentleman patron is all you need.

Right now he is out there looking for you.

Other Books by Hannah Jay which you might enjoy!

Avails: Escorting for the Elegant Woman

The book about escorting, sugar babies, mistresses and more for the elegant woman and the lovely young lady who wishes to enter or excel at the world's oldest profession.

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Questions for Miss Jay

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