Author: R G Berube
Date: 2012-06-07 04:00:00+00:00

ANTINOOS and HADRIAN

By

Raymond G. Berube

Copyright © 1985

First Printing e-book edition 2013

Paper Back Edition 2013

ISBN-13: 978-1479173136

Approx. 130,227 words

Author’s Note

“...I have never cared to gaze, as they slept, upon those I loved; they were resting from me, I know; they were escaping me, too.”

Hadrian:          Memoires of Hadrian

Marguerite Yourcenar

In the early morning hours on a day in October of the year 130 AD, the body of a nineteen year-old boy was found on the muddy banks of the Nile. The site was a little settlement of mud huts caller Hir-Wer. On that site rose the splendid city of Antinoopolis, erected by Emperor Hadrian in memory of his beloved companion, Antinoos. History records that the boy met his death by drowning, possibly as a suicide. Many believe that the boy had offered his life as a sacrifice in order to extend the life of his friend and lover, Hadrian, the Emperor. The location of Antinoos' grave has been a mystery, thought to have been lost to antiquity. But recent discoveries made at Hadrian's Villa Hadriana, at Tivoli outside Rome, have led historians to believe the mystery solved. The story is told in Antinoos’ own words and follows from the beginning encounter in Bithynia to his final day. All the major events and personages are historically accurate.

Author

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART  ONE

At The Sacred Spring, Summer 123 A.D.

The Seven Hills

The Paedagogium, 122 - 124 A.D.

Illusions

Seasons, Late Winter 127 A.D.

Awakening, March 127 A.D.

Ganymede, Spring 127 A.D.

PART TWO

In Spirit, Greek, 127 A.D.

Fortunes

Alliance

Pannonia

Campágna, Spring - Summer 127 A.D.

In His Shadow

Of Things Remembered, And Things To Be

The Hunt, Early Summer 127 A.D.

Shades of Icharus, Fall 127 A.D.

On The Via Tiburnia Winter 127-128 A.D.

Distant Thunder

Becoming More, Late Winter 128 A.D.

Interlude , Late Winter - Early Spring 128 AD.

PART THREE

Coming Of Age

Nearing The East , Spring 128 AD.

To Africa,  June 128 AD.

Auspicious Beginnings, Late June 128 AD.

Review , Early July 128 AD.

Between Two Posts,  Mid-July 128 AD.

Rome, Again, Late July 128 AD.

The Limits of Gods, Late August 128 AD.

Hellas,  Autumn 128 AD.

Speaking of Gods, Winter 129 - 130 AD.

The Oracle of Delphi, March 129 A.D.

Asia Minor, Early Spring 130 A.D.

Concordia, Late Spring 129 A.D.

Mount Casius, June 129 A.D.

Julia Balbilla, Summer 129 A.D.

A Lion's Glory , Winter and Early Spring 130 A.D.

Prophesy, Summer 130 A.D.

Egypt,  Late Summer 130 A.D.

Quae Nunc Abilis In Loca, Autumn 130 A.D.

Part One

Chapter One

At The Sacred Spring, Summer 123 A.D.

“But Lord, I am yours! You may do with me as you wish.

“Boy you have no need to give yourself as though you were a piece of property!”

I fell to my knees and bowed.

“That is what I am, Caesar.”

The Emperor turned and walked away from me, leaving me kneeling. I did not know whether to rise or remain as I was. He paced the garden, and his robe, trimmed with purple, cloaked what soon would be revealed to me as a strong and powerful body. Only his feet remained uncovered. His head and face was shaded by the corner of his cloak. He returned and sat on the marble bench beneath an olive tree that had offered him shade at the height of the sun's course. The evening dusk had begun to blend the surrounding garden into shadows. The other students, having only recently departed, had left their styli and wax tablets still scattered about.

“Antinoos, listen to me. Do not be afraid to refuse your Emperor in this matter. I will not force obedience from you. I will not demand anything from you that you would not willingly give. You must believe me! I will hold no resentment toward you.”

The Emperor sensed my uneasiness, and across his face there passed a look that revealed to me a sincerity and concern that I would grow to love, and in its turn, would forever bind me to him.

“Let us put off the subject of this discussion. It is of no great consequence. It is not my reason for having spoken with you this afternoon.”

So began our meeting. In the years that followed, many nights as we lay together I would recall that first day when Hadrian bid me to stay behind when all others rose to leave. I had been one of several youths who came to the house of Cneius Pompeius Proculus. There, we studied the tragedies and epic poems that each of us was assigned to put to memory. There, I learned passages from Homer that I could still repeat today.

That summer afternoon was cooled only by the occasional breeze passing over the waters of the sacred spring of Pan. We gathered, as was our daily routine, never thinking that in our midst was seated the Lord of all the world. In spite of his long cloak, the grandeur of the man could not be disguised...., but that he would be Emperor? He had chosen a place away from the others, seated in the shade of that tree. His very presence made the air vibrate as the energy felt in the atmosphere at the height of a lightning storm that rents the skies. Each time I was bold enough to look his way, I found him returning my gaze. Something about the deepness of those eyes burned into my soul. I have never forgotten it! With his eyes upon me, my own fell to my fumbling hands held in my lap, fully aware of the flush in my cheeks. When called to recite, I found the words that came from my lips not the ones that had been in my mind. To my disgust and to the merriment of my fellows, for they had seldom seen me with my lessons unprepared and were enjoying the scene (a moment before, I had had each word and intonation solidly in memory), the words that now spilled forth were no more than gibberish. The Master looked as dumbfounded as I felt. No doubt he had counted on me to show his skill as teacher. In an attempt to rise when called, I stepped on the edge of my cloak and tore it. The somber figure beneath the tree sat still and only the kindness in his eyes reassured me that he, above the others, understood the cause of my confusion and embarrassment. Of that afternoon, I recall only that because of my foolish performance, the remaining time was filled with self debasement and humiliation. The hours passed. Our eyes touched. My own eyes dropped away but only until I gained the courage to look his way again. His expression was one I had witnessed many times before from the men who came to the gymnasium to watch the youth of Claudiopolis in their daily exercise. It was understood that a certain nod, a glance returned and held, by this a mutual attraction and acquiescence was acknowledged. I knew that I certainly had given him that much.

There were others of my mates who were well aware of the interchange. Certainly my Master had been keenly attuned to my sudden inability to think in a straightforward manner. He had only to follow my  gaze to see where it was directed. I noticed the look of satisfaction that quickly passed across his face. He felt pride in the Emperor's choice.

Had any told me then of the times that would follow, I would have been hard-pressed to acquiesce to fate or run from it! It was June of the third year of the two hundred and twenty fourth Olympiad. With entourage, the Emperor entered Claudiopolis seeking respite from a long voyage to the south where an earthquake had caused severe damage. He had taken upon himself the task of supervising the repairs and reconstruction. His sense of involvement and commitment to the public good would continue to amaze me. This attention to increasing the quality of life of citizens, freedmen, and slaves caused his name to become widely known and revered. New temples were erected, new roads were built and old ones repaired. In Claudiopolis, many of the highways connecting the East and West had gone into disrepair. The city, once a major hub of activity, had become less important.  Hadrian infused it with new blood by pouring millions of sesterces into its buildings, aqueduct, and other public projects. He built baths, a library, and two new gymnasiums. I was but thirteen years old.

My mother had seen something in the stars. They influenced her to move me in a direction that my father could not understand. They often quarreled about her high aspirations for me.  Father could not understand why she felt that I should not follow in his footsteps and be content with the education fit for a civil servant. My mother loved my father. She understood her hopes for me wounded his pride and she was pained by this. Although she would not say it he could see that she espoused to a finer quality of existence for me. Her determination would assure that her son would receive more from life than what inheritance would provide. My education was directed. It was she who guided me; finally bringing me to the place where I would meet the man who would make my life, short as it was, more filled than if I had lived into senility!

When Critoneo, the Emperor's administrator of the imperial paedagogium, spoke to my mother on the day following that fateful meeting, she agreed to allow me to be taken to Rome for grooming. Father remained silent, knowing it would do no good to protest. He was not above seeing the possibilities for himself, in the developing scheme of things. But I must stop here, for I am not following the proper sequence. How easy it is to see determined courses of events when the distance of time offers that perspective! In my current place, seeing life as it once was, it is like looking into the clear waters of the carp pond at Villa Hadriana. I would stare deeply and soon, visions would come and a knowing would occur. I remember sitting with one hand in the water, transfixed at the reflection of the mountains in the distance, wondering what I would be doing were I a shepherd in those distant hills. What kind of destiny would I face as a beggar in the streets of Rome, or as a fisherman's son hauling nets, filling my days with toil of a very different kind from the ones for which I seemed destined? And something in the reflection of the water would suggest to my deepest core that these destinies may have been a blessing. My thoughts would fragment and my being would turn cold with fear. But, I wander again. It appears I may find myself doing so, often. It is difficult to be in a place where time has no meaning. Yet it is a constraint in this project.

Allow me these diversions and hope that I will retain most of my intentions!  I return to my narrative in the garden, on the day Hadrian first spoke to me. He bid me to sit beside him. I rose and followed. We sat beneath the olive tree. Hadrian took his cloak and folded it, making of it a cushion for me to sit upon. His face, now more exposed, showed deep set eyes, spaced narrowly; eyes capable of looking fierce at one moment and gentle, the next. They were eyes that bore so deeply into me that my soul was suddenly laid naked. My thirteen years were not prepared for the sophistication necessary to feel comfortable in such a presence.  His beard, trimmed closely, was almost philosophical. And indeed, there were rumors that the Emperor espoused to be looked upon as philosophic. His mouth, almost always firmly set, was not beyond the ability of soft lines.  His lips were not full and they made his mouth appear smaller than it was. Perhaps this was the reason why most who first met him, were overpowered by his stern appearance. The face was one in which there seldom showed the full weight of his charge. Those moments he reserved for those who were close and loved him, as I was soon to find. His chest, unclad of armor, was not as massive as it had appeared. The stomach was rock-hard from the years of military service. He had proven himself a capable soldier when brought from Spain by his uncle, the Emperor Trajan.  That move had been the beginning of the training which would eventually result in his adoption and rise to the purple. When Trajan died in the field of battle, his nephew became the Caesar. Hadrian was tall by the standards of the times. Near my own end, we were almost the same height and he never failed to notice it. I did everything to reduce my stature so that, when standing beside him, our heads would not be equal. It was one of several issues that came with age. But as a child my awareness was for the simple and less complex. My intent was to be available for him whenever he wished to have me. I lived for his need in those early years.

I was carefully groomed and in the years that followed my introduction to the imperial paedagogium, I was well instructed to keep hidden any qualities or attributes that could in the least way be misconstrued as pretension or affectation. It was the beginning of my true education.

Chapter Two

The Seven Hills

So it was that on that June afternoon, well past the hour when the longest shadow blended with the surrounding darkness of the garden, my Lord explained the proposal which would then be presented to my mother and father, if I agreed. His offer was to make available to me a position of service in his court. I would travel to the paedagogium in Rome and there, train as a page and be given responsibilities commensurate with my age and talent. My adaptability and willingness to learn would govern the direction and speed with which I rose to more important positions.

Hadrian spoke gently, but in his voice I detected a reserve regarding the kind of life he was proposing that I lead.  Many believed only the privileged were sent to the Imperial Paedagogium and the lifestyle there to be one of leisure.  We were dressed in the finest clothing and anointed with expensive oils. But the regimen was almost too much to bear. There were those, in fact, who could not stand the strain.

“You wonder why I chose you for this honor?”

He had read my thoughts.

“When I saw you sitting in the garden this afternoon, I recognized something in you. Wait...,” he said, raising his hand when he saw me about to speak.  “... hear me out. Antinoos, you have a brilliance in your eyes and in spite of how badly you became tongue-tied today, that brilliance was not diminished. I would lie and do you an injustice if I were not to say that before I noticed the light of your intellect, it was the smile on your lips and your brooding eyes that caught my attention. You are beautiful!”

With those words, the Emperor touched my lips with his. It was then I became aware that I had moved my body closer to his and with my head inclined so that my face was raised, had offered my lips to him. Was I in an act of seduction? Our mouths touched only briefly. He pulled away when I became rigid at the recognition of what I had done. I believe he thought my behavior reluctance, but it was in fact a surprise to me.

All around us the shadows provided intimacy. I was fully prepared to let his hands come forward and touch me where he would. I assumed that he would. Hadrian rose suddenly. He walked away so that the shadows swallowed him and all that was left was the sound of his voice. I knew others were near. I could hear movement of feet. The Emperor would not be left unattended! I remained seated and waited.

Hadrian returned at once and again sat beside me.

“You will leave with Critoneo in two days time. He will take you to Rome. You will be cared for and be shown duties which you will eventually perform in the Court's service. We will meet again, Antinoos. For now, have the assurance that becoming part of the Imperial Paedagogium will bring you many opportunities. Choose them wisely!”

I was unsure of his meaning but knew he placed utmost importance in this advice by the way he had emphasized his words. It would be Critoneo who would become both mother and father, and to some degree my erastes, (one who takes care of a young boy and teaches and protects him in close-bonded relationship). It was his intention to make me so desirable that the Emperor would come to take notice of me in a very different way. We never imagined just how desirable and how indispensable Hadrian would come to consider me. But for now suffices to say it was not by chance that I rose to prominence and to my apotheosis!

I bid my mother farewell. Her tears were well matched by mine, as I had never contemplated leaving her. To face the thought made me deeply conscious of the love I felt for both of them.

We spoke into the night. She filled me with advice and caution. As we did so, she held my hand and we embraced often. Father, reticent man with his emotions, relented to show me his heart. It was the first time he had done so in so obvious a manner. His words had always been directed to the purpose of instruction and correction. He seldom expressed what was in his heart. I had often wondered what mother had found warm in him. He took me into his arms and held me with such force that it hurt. He said few words but looked deeply into my eyes and commanded my attention so that I saw nothing but his piercing gaze, one that in the past had brought me abruptly out of my dreaming moods. The deep lines of pain in his face made me realize for the first time that he loved me. I wonder still, whether I would have come to know that love had I not left?

I see them still, standing beside each other in the early morning haze, bidding me farewell as the train of horses and carriages departed for the long trek to the waiting ships on the coast. My beloved Claudiopolis, bathed in the light of the rising sun, looking like a dream as it still lay shrouded in fog, would never again provide hillside forests and verdant valleys for my childhood pleasures. Only in death would I see these hills and valleys again.

It is important at this juncture of my narrative that all who read this defense understand the practice of pederasty. It was a part of a long-standing Greek tradition of the education of the young.  It has often been misunderstood and misinterpreted. The Greek man was father and husband, but most importantly, he was a soldier and statesman. His civil duties counted above all else and those required much time away from the home. He was, therefore, unavailable to his children for much of the time. The Greek woman was wife and mother, but most important, she was the administrator of a complex household of slaves, servants, and accounts. Children were left to the care of nurse-slaves. At the appropriate age a young boy would be given over to the care of a young man, and the youth would be educated and guided through puberty. These relationships were formed with the approval of the parents and provided the boy with a fraternity and stability which was not possible from a busy and often absent father. Relationships of this kind often grew beyond platonic admiration. Men and boys loved, but within accepted restraints.

This was the way of life in Hellas, but not so in other parts of the world. I came to understand that Rome was not one of the understanding nations. Under the conditions of the times it was as natural for this practice to happen as it seems natural in your own age, for women to have a hand in your politics and to have a claim to family wealth; considered as outrageous in our age. Utter condemnation would have been leveled at anyone who may have proposed such absurd notions! So, the understanding of any era is only achieved by the knowledge of its culture. It seemed insane for us to think that there were people who believed heavenly powers to be in sole domination of one god! It seems utterly ridiculous in your age, that Greeks would have accepted polytheism as an obvious truism, as evidenced by the multi-facets of nature and of the world around us. But, I stray from my discourse once again!

The paedagogium was an age-old establishment, one in which Romans took much pride. Unlike similar houses in Hellas, the Imperial Paedagogium focused its energy in the training of pages for the court. This is not to say that boys who caught the attention of various members of the Senate or other dignitaries could not become attached to these benefactors. But this practice was secondary to the paedagogium's primary purpose; to school its boys to perform domestic duties in the household while young, and to graduate into civil servants when age dictated.

Throughout our travels from Bithynia to Rome, Critoneo remained near. He told me the Emperor had continued to other cities, and would not return to Rome with us. He would, Critoneo was sure, seek me out upon his return.

I was soon aware that, unlike the other boys also traveling to the same destination; I was being accorded special privileges. One evening, fourteen from Rome, somewhere past the straight separating Italia from Scicilia, Critoneo found me by the rail of the ship, deep in thought. He stood away from me. When he saw that I had noticed his presence, he came near. We had spoken before but with little familiarity. I suspect that he had taken notice of my sullen mood.

For some days I had been experiencing a deep depression resulting from the detachment from my home and land. In this, I was not alone. So many of the youths on board were of such an age that they were little more than children, unaccustomed to lengths of separation from their mother's bosoms. These were the concern of Critoneo and his staff, as there was a genuine effort to soothe and succor with special foods or playthings.

Many of the other boys noticed there was a difference in the way I was treated. They took objection. I felt even more of an outcast. It took great effort to control my tears but in the darkness and away from everyone, I allowed them. Critoneo, silent, placed his arm around my shoulder. I suppose there was something of a yearning in me for a father. Mine had seldom held me in the manner Critoneo now took to soothe me. I buried my face in the folds of his cloak and my muffled sobs went unnoticed by any who might have stood near.

It was Critoneo's presence and his warmth that made the coming weeks bearable. Although he could look stern and did so most of the time, thereby creating the sense that he was a cold and uncaring soul, he was kind to me and his age made me feel comfortable; to a child, a man of forty appears ancient. Critoneo looked older than his years because his hair had already begun to grow thin and his face showed a well-fed fullness of someone who has few worries about where the next meal will come from. His mouth was small, with full lips. His eyes bulged a little, giving his the appearance of looking forever surprised or amazed and above them arched bushy brows that made me think of thick and hairy caterpillars walking across his face.

Boys of the paedagogium took fun in mimicking him behind his back. He was stern with his commands, demanding in his expectations, but fair and just in his treatment of those boys placed under his care. I learned that in the past, others who had held his post had shamefully abused their position and had taken advantage of the pretty boys, and made the lives of those not gifted with good looks, a terrible ordeal. We were lucky! If it were not for Critoneo and Alexamenos, another lad from Bithynia, I think my early days in Rome would have been most painful!

It was on the last leg of this voyage that I made the acquaintance of Alexamenos. He had remained detached from the others throughout most of the journey. I wondered why the bullies who had emerged amongst the boys being brought to Rome from all over the empire (the recruitment had begun long before Hadrian had arrived in Bithynia,) did not harass him as they did me. Early one morning while still on high seas, my question was answered.

We had been brought on deck for a breath of fresh air after a long night in the depths of the ship. The air of the hold was afoul with the excess of bodies and smell of vomit. It had been unusually stormy the previous night. One of the older and bigger boys from Cappadocia made a snide remark about how good Alexamenos looked. Alexamenos turned and without a word and with three rapid movements which seemed but blur to our eyes, laid the abusive youth to the deck and proceeded to twist the boy's arm until we all believed it would come from the socket. With the disabled ruffian in this position, Alexamenos extracted a promise that his continuous taunting of the smaller and weaker boys would cease. Along with the others, I cheered when the words were spoken and the promise, made. Alexamenos finally released the bigger boy. There were no further problems from that individual during the remaining journey. This is not to say that others did not try to take his place, but all in turn were quickly confronted by Alexamenos. He came to be regarded as the undisputed leader, and no one dared challenge him. The remarkable thing was that Alexamenos did not, unlike all the other boys, abuse his power. When some of the more aggressive boys tried to befriend him, he spurned them and remained aloof. It was I to whom he chose to speak and allow something akin to bonding to occur.

At the time, I was but a memory of a summer afternoon dalliance, in Hadrian's mind. No doubt that he had other more important issues concerning him than a boy met by chance in a garden. I was to find out later that the Emperor had not forgotten me, but in the two years that followed had watched me from afar taking note of my progress and admiring me from his distance. Unknowing of his purpose and interest in me at this time, I thought myself a lad thrown to the mercies of a strange city, encircled by other boys who openly showed their hostility. My natural tendency was to allow anyone who showed me affection, to come closer. I yearned for kindness!

It was by the function of protector and mentor that Critoneo gained my respect and confidence. However, I was initially perplexed by this association. I had assumed, when his attention to me seemed more than just a passing interest that Critoneo's purpose was to become my erastes. I availed myself of his protection, and still Critoneo made no more demands from me than directing my attention to my studies and helping me to develop a tolerance of the demanding and trying rigors of the Paedagogium.

Once more my thoughts have leapt ahead of my intended sequence. The element of time from which I now operate is too constrictive. From my perspective time is experienced not by a sequence of moments but by events, the chronology of which seems unimportant to the effect these events have had on shaping my destiny. Periodically I find the need to pull myself back to the awareness of this present century to fit all the wonder and madness of those seven years, into a context which must result in a clearer understanding of my part in that moment in time.

Chapter Three

The Paedagogium, 122 - 124 A.D.

The Imperial Paedagogium was a structure unmarked by any sign that would have distinguished it as such. Built atop a rise of land called the Caelian Hill, my new home was, at first, cold and foreboding. Rome was a city of stone and mortar. It is true that upon approaching it, the white marble facing most of the public buildings, and the magnificence of the Amphitheatrum Flavium marked this city as a superior place. It was a sight meant to awe all who saw it and predispose new arrivals to the city's elegance and power. It was not a place of warmth. There were too many streets and alley ways with too many people who spoke too many tongues. The stone of the city well represented its soul! My own city of Claudiopolis was constructed mostly of wood from the nearby forests, and was warmer in appearance and spirit. I longed for it all of my life.

We arrived in Rome in the height of the summer heat. The humidity made my clothing cling uncomfortably to my wet skin. The populace of Rome looked at us strangely as we passed. Streets were crowded and the din of the noises of commerce made my head ache. All manner of smells assaulted my nostrils and most were enough to make me ill. Garbage and other foul things were thrown to the street from upper-level windows of the insulas.

Everywhere laundry hung across buildings, and children ran amuck unsupervised. As we neared the city's center, congestion made movement more difficult. Heads turned and followed us as we pried our way through throngs of poor and rich. No distinction existed among the many, as all were forced to walk in shit and mud left by passing animals of the night before. Togas and robes were equally stained with the familiar color of the streets. It had been a dusty ride from the port of Ostia. We had gone from the cool sea breezes of that town into the stifling heat of Rome.

Subjected to the continuous jeering and rude noises of these supposed civilized people, it was clear that we were not held in high esteem. On two occasions Critoneo rescued us from savage attacks resulting from merchants' stalls built too close to the street and knocked to the ground by our passing. A gathering of vendors screamed profanities. This led to the provocation of a number of street-boys who, for the lack of anything better to do, took on the assault and focused their stones and other projectiles on us. Before Critoneo could calm us, the youths of our wagon and the two others following returned the fire with reclaimed missiles and a multitude of other items consisting of the rotten fruits and vegetables from past meals. Several ruffians attempted to climb onto the carts to engage in combat but were dissuaded by the accompanying guards.

Approaching the city's heart the detachment then swerved right following an avenue that rose beyond the grand colosseum. The Imperial Paedagogium was on a street called Caput Africanae, one filled with dwellings of questionable repute. As we made our way through the surrounding neighborhoods the inhabitants of the district were pressed with curiosity. They knew who we were and for what reasons we were brought. All thirty of us were driven in carts, each drawn by six horses bearing the sign of the Imperial House upon their foreheads. The same insignia was on the liveries of the slaves who accompanied the retinue. Critoneo and his attendants rode on chairs borne on the backs of slaves, at the head of the procession. Alexamenos had stood beside me as rode along the Via Apia and a casual conversation had developed. I had not taken the opportunity to make my feelings known to him regarding his admonishment of the Cappadocian. He had remained aloof and until now, had taken very little notice of me.

“You always look so sad...,” he said, not looking directly at me but all the time letting his eyes miss nothing of the events going on around him. “What better could we have had in Claudiopolis than what will be offered us in Rome?”

“You think so little of your home?” I asked.

“You think so much of yours?” His words mocked my mood of depression. Then he spit to emphasize his dislike for the life he had left.

“Only one thought makes me long for home..., my mother! Now she has only her own mouth to feed and it may be that I will learn enough to make her life more comfortable.”

“But can you gain more here?”

I wondered how he had come to be included in the group. Alexamenos spat again, this time looking at me in the face.

“What do I lose for leaving that forgotten city?

Like my father, who I did not know, I leave to find my fortune elsewhere. I'll fight or sell myself to get what I want. Critoneo saw me on the streets and liked my rough edges. He bought me for a night and I pleased him enough to make him like me. I pleaded to be taken along and promised to be of whatever service I could to him.”

I had not noticed Critoneo paying particular attention to him and said as much. Alexamenos shrugged.

“No matter,” he said. “I have what I want. Perhaps his taste is for the more refined.”

Alexamenos had leveled this remark at me as a challenge.

“I see he likes you more than any other, Antinoos. Has he had his way with you?”

“No,” I said, having wondered myself why he had not.

“Ah yes,” he smirked. “You are chosen for someone better. They say the Emperor requested you directly, is that true?”

I explained the circumstances of my meeting with Hadrian.

“The Emperor's own,” Alexamenos said ironically. “It seems I am in good company!”

By the time we arrived in Rome we were laughing and the others were watching us, wondering what had occurred to bring us together. The bond was cause for even more hatred from those who had grown to envy my preferred position. Critoneo had worried about my moods. When he saw Alexamenos and me happy, obviously liking each other, he assigned us to the same cubicle at the Imperial Paedagogium. It was assumed incorrectly by the others that I had agreed to submit myself to Alexamenos for his protection. Although we did make love in the following months; loneliness and a hostile environment often cause unlikely alliances, it was Alexamenos who was the submissive partner. To show my gratitude for his friendship I allowed the others to believe what they wished.

Alexamenos was not one to whom I would have normally have been drawn. His coarseness and lack of breeding made him appear as a boy of the streets. It was his rough appearance mediated by striking good looks that brought the attention of the procurer. Something in his face showed promise. Critoneo believed Alexamenos would blossom. His language was almost unintelligible and his manners were often a shock to me. Yet he drew me to him!

All soon fell into the routine imposed on those who came to be educated in the ways of the court. We were to be of use; each in our own way, to whatever skill and ability was discovered. Life was rigorous. Living spaces were small and plain; the only comfort was fresh running water provided to each cubicle by an ingenious system of pumps and conduits connected to an aqueduct that carried it from the distant Alban hills. In spite of this convenience the baths were still more preferred, where we were allowed to indulge in a number of services provided for our pleasure. There were cold-water pools and steam rooms, mineral springs and mud baths, and a massage room where one could be kneaded and stretched until the pains were almost too much to bear. There were exotic oils, available only to selected boys.

The degree of deference and quality of treatment was judged by a boy's status. Those who had already attained favor with some Senator or wealthy citizen, luxuriated in splendor. New arrivals were only allowed to bathe and be scraped dry with a strigil. Some of the older or stronger boys were selected to be brought routinely to the palaestra, where they were trained to wrestle and develop other athletic skills. It was to the palaestra that most boys aspired to go, for there a continuous flow of hopeful erastes pined away the hours waiting for some sign of recognition from a boy who may have been selected as a probable eromenos; one taken on as a charge and sometime-lover.

Day began before the first hour with a pounding on the door by the proctor. We were given ten minutes to waken and file out to the small piazza within the walls of the place. There, boys were divided into groups according to assigned details which were to be our toil for the next three hours before we were allowed to eat. Breakfast was a meager meal of oats or coarse bread with a soupy solution of lentils, and some vegetables. This was followed by five hours of studies, the focus of which, for new arrivals, was a history of Rome and her possessions throughout the world. Intermixed with this, were mathematics and Latin. After a mid-day meal of wine with cheese and fruits, we were ushered into a large auditorium and lectured on the ways of the Imperial Court.

We learned the etiquette of the Palace and Court, and the basic lessons preparing us for civil service. We were instructed to distinguish the classes within the honestiores. Senators and knights were otherwise known as the Equestrian Order in which were still further distinctions of rank; procurators, prefects and praetors. Then came freedmen and those who had obtained freedom
from slavery by manumission. The lowest order was the slaves. Also in our schooling was the care given to how foods were prepared and served. We were expected to learn without mistakes the many ways of setting tables for the various functions.

As pages we spent many hours practicing how to carry ourselves in public so that we were conspicuous yet did not draw unfavorable attention. It was considered important to be capable of enlightened conversation; therefore lessons in dialectics were a part of the curriculum.

A duty hated by everyone but experienced by all was being assigned to the pound to handle the hounds. The Imperial Pound was located some distance from the paedagogium and those who were assigned there remained day and night until the tour was complete. We slept and ate with the noisy and vicious beasts. Because of its location within that neighborhood, those who lived near hated the dogs and the boys assigned to them, never loosing an opportunity to harass either. We were jeered, stoned, and often accosted by street urchins with nothing better to do with their time. This necessitated a constant vigil of the animals less they be injured or killed. The silly beasts seemed unable to discern their keepers from their tormentors, for they took every advantage to try tearing us limb from limb. It was rumored that one boy had an entire arm bitten off. I tried my best to use gentleness and kindness as a way of demonstrating my intention not to harm them. By small measures they came to like me and trust me enough to allow me to enter the kennel without attack. But they never ceased snarling or bearing their teeth. It was one of the first tasks given to newcomers; a way of weeding out the faint of heart!

The most awaited time of day was after sundown when all collected in the dining hall for the principal meal. This was the one good feast at which little in the line of food or drink was spared. In actuality and in retrospect that meal was plain, but compared with the two other meager ones, it appeared to be a sumptuous feast.

There we grew loud, ribald sometimes, but mostly child-like. It was where all met at this one time and ate the same fare; all subject to the same jeering and sometimes-abusive harangues. Critoneo, seated at the head of the table for prefects and proctors, stood when it became obvious that the abuse was out of hand and with a loud thud of his staff, brought order back to the mob..., if only temporarily!

When the meal was completed letters or correspondence having arrived that day, were distributed. The news of the day was read aloud. We were informed about the state of health of the Emperor, and where he might be in his travels, (Hadrian was seldom within the city. There were many who begrudged his curiosity and travels to other parts of hid empire). We prayed for the Emperor's good health and protection by the gods. After the evening rituals we were allowed some idle time.

It was this time, the quiet hour before the lamps were extinguished, that I most prized. It was when Alexamenos and I grew closer. We shared thoughts of our homeland, and memories of our childhood during some of these intimate moments, while seated close together for warmth. The cold September winds were now invading the huge halls and permeating the cubicles; the braziers were not yet lit. Speaking quietly together I first noticed how Alexamenos looked at me. His eyes, so deep and brooding, had moisture at their corners and I thought him about to weep. I reached out with one hand and touched his cheek to give him solace.  He took my hand and brought it to his lips. We embraced. The contact overwhelmed me. His body touched mine and made me weak. We separated but our eyes did not and remained close until the signal to extinguish the lamps. We climbed into bed together, naked and fully aroused. The excitement of his skin and the pounding of my heart as he pressed himself against me; the surge of pleasure as he touched me made me think there was nothing more wonderful and lovely. It was a feeling I did not think possible! The fist stirring of love led me to regard Alexamenos with a deep emotion I could not fully understand or control.

In the days that followed, Critoneo noticed a change and took me aside.

“You seem happy, Antinoos...”

I began to speak but he motioned with his hand that I should hold my words.

“This feeling you have for Alexamenos, it may be nothing more than good friendship. I approve if it is only that! But should it be more or become more, then I caution you to avoid placing too much affection in someone who, due to a multiple of reasons, may soon need to leave.”

I was stunned by his words.

“Critoneo, are you saying that Alexamenos is leaving?”

He smiled and sat beside me, putting his arm around me.

“I only advise against the foolishness of misplaced affections. Any of you could be sent away at any time. Many reasons could require your services elsewhere, which would end your stay here.”

“Am I as likely to be sent away?” I suddenly felt the same sense of insecurity that had filled me in the first few weeks.

“Antinoos, you will not be sent away. I guarantee it! I have been expressly assigned as your mentor. There are plans, for you. Listen, my boy, be particularly attentive to what I tell you.”

Critoneo stood and brought me to my feet. I followed as he led the way to the exterior courtyard, and to the street. My surprise at being taken to the streets made it difficult for me to accord him the attention he sought. It was the first time I had walked among the people, since my arrival. We had always been transported to whatever destination it was necessary for us to go for our duties. Now I found myself among the throngs who filled the alleys that wound toward the larger streets of the Colonnade. Wheeled traffic was not allowed in the streets of Rome difficult to walk and we were buffeted and jarred by the throngs until we reached a little public park near the Circus Maximus. There, in the shade of a tree, we sat on a small stone bench.

The surrounding trees and lushness of the place helped to muffle out the sounds of the streets. I felt peaceful and content to be in Critoneo's company. He reached into the folds of his cloak and brought forth honeyed cakes and a flask of wine. We sat and ate, not saying a word and the silence made me uneasy. I began to suspect a sinister reason for the meeting.

With the food consumed, Critoneo stretched himself and as I looked into his face for some telltale sign of his purpose, he recognized my anxiety.

“Be at ease,” he cautioned me as he let his cloak slip from his shoulders. The breeze filled his tunic and billowed it so that he was suddenly exposed. He laughed without shame and enjoyed the frivolity of the moment.

“You seem so pensive! It was not my intention to cause you worry when I spoke, some moments ago. I merely make you aware that there are plans for you that allow for little diversion. It would be a detriment for you to allow your affections to go to another. I understand your loneliness and how Alexamenos' friendship means much to you. He is a good companion and he too, values this bond. But it is destined that each of you travel separate paths. Restrain your ardor!”

I was vexed by his words, as they seemed simple enough but there was no mistaking a deeper intention. I knew without a doubt that Critoneo had greater knowledge than what he chose to disclose. He knew my destiny. To ask him to disclose it would have been an act of disrespect, yet I wanted to press him and had to use restraint. It would have placed him in a position of having to deny me. It was understood by all who were in attendance at the paedagogium that no questions were to be asked. We were to place ourselves completely in trust to those who had been selected to
guide us.

“But he is my friend,” I argued. “Am I to deny our friendship?”

“I am asking that you deny nothing and make no promises to him that would interfere with the business you have been brought here to learn. Antinoos believe me when I tell you that in your soul, there is a sweetness that makes you almost irresistible to anyone who takes time to notice. It is what the Emperor saw that afternoon and what brought you within his household. You have a charm that will be as much a deficit as it can be an asset. Your danger lies in the fact that you have no awareness of your power. You will be harmed by it unless you come to know and master it.”

“What is it, this thing?”

Critoneo's words confused me. He saw something in me that I did not. I felt pride that someone found me attractive and worthy of admiration.

“Listen to my counsel. Restrict your ardor in this matter of Alexamenos.”

He spoke these last words abruptly, and I could see that he was losing patience.

“Excuse me, Critoneo...,” I said, wanting him to know I felt his exasperation.

Suddenly he turned and smiled.

“Boy, your youth irritates my age. Be of good faith in what I say and do for you. I have your welfare in mind. Now come, let us enjoy the quietude of this place and take advantage of it to get some sleep. I am relieving you of your afternoon duties. These next few hours will be a holiday.”

Critoneo took his cloak and laid it carefully on the grass beneath a tree and he bid me lay down beside him. I let my head rest in the bend of his arm and he pulled me closer to him so that soon, with his arms about me and feeling secure, I drifted into sleep.

Chapter Four

Illusions

When I awoke, Critoneo was already up and watching me intently. I do not know how long he had been doing so but I felt it had been for some while.

“You were tired, I think.”

“I dreamt of my mother!”

My heart was full of pain at the distance that separated us.

Critoneo nodded and held me for a moment. I began to feel the sorrow well up and thought myself about to cry. To avoid the embarrassment, I stood. Critoneo stood also and we began to walk.

“I want you to be able to come to me whenever you feel the need to talk, Antinoos. I have been assigned to you by the Emperor himself, with the edict that you should want for nothing, and that your expected loneliness should find some solace.”

He observed my amazement at the news that the Emperor would take this much interest in me.

“Oh yes, my boy, Hadrian knows you exist. He has not forgotten you. I am commanded to send a weekly report of your progress.”

The solitude of the little park was left behind and we were in the bustle of the streets again, but not walking in the direction of the paedagogium. I found it difficult to pay attention to Critoneo while my ears and eyes were filled with such activity. All about me people pushed and shoved to make way, avoiding being repeatedly forced into the gutters and garbage and shit they contained. The din of the vendors' voices hawking their wares only inches from me; the continuous cacophonous sound of pigs, chickens, and a multitude of other caged animals protesting their lot; the ever-present assault of projectiles carelessly discarded from the insulas above the shops; the smell of aromatic spices blended with that of unwashed bodies, excrement, cooking-oil; all these things commanded my senses. Critoneo's words were lost in the morass. Twice, I felt pickpockets' hands searching for my purse in the folds of my tunic.

Finally reaching a quieter suburb, I was able to concentrate and my mind returned to the question I had been afraid to ask. It escaped my lips before I realized I had verbalized it.

“What is to become of me, Critoneo?”

`           “You will become whatever your spirit seeks!”

“But that is not an answer,” I said, angry with his evasiveness.

“Antinoos, believe fully that the gods have chosen you for a special purpose. I was befuddled at first as to why the Emperor took so much interest in obtaining permission from your parents to bring you to Rome. He could have commanded it. When I spoke to him of it, his words were... 'The Gods have selected him, I am sure of it. But all must be of his own accord!”

The manner in which Critoneo ended his sentence made it clear to me that the issue was terminated, at least for the moment. We entered the section of the city given to manufacture. All around us the smell of stables, the pounding metal of the iron-workers, and the scent of dust and chaff of the millers made it difficult to converse and breathe. I understood that Critoneo had come to transact business and it was in one of the latter shops that we entered.

All around the walls were stacked sacks of grain, waiting to be milled. Everything was coated white with the dust of the threshing floor, and the strangely sweet smell of mold filled my nostrils so that I became lightheaded. I followed Critoneo to the rear of the building where the milling was being done by slaves. My heart sank as I was moved by the sight. Such wretched souls I have never seen before or since, even in the bowels of the ship that had transported us from Bithynia. The place was poorly lit and filthy. Many men and boys, all nearly naked, wore the few rags that hung in strips from their emaciated bodies, barely covering the genitals of most. We walked into their midst and upon closer inspection I saw that many had been beaten severely and were covered with bruises. I filled with anguish at a legacy of being born into a life filled with so much pain and adversity with almost no possibility of redemption.  Condemned to labor in the most horrendous environments, unable to have the few simple pleasures enjoyed by even the simplest peasant! These miserable slaves could only hope for a few morsels of food and plot on how a few moments of rest might be stolen from the watchful eyes and stinging whip of the masters. It was outrageous!

They worked in desolation, feet shackled in rings that anchored them to their affliction. Their foreheads were branded with letters and their heads shorn to make them easily identifiable should they find escape. These precautions to assure capture seemed ludicrous in lieu of the fact that physical condition and appearance was enough to mark them; hideously pale, looking like resurrected corpses long interred. The dankness of the place consumed flesh and hair. If they found escape, diminished eyesight would severely limit the speed of flight.

I was riveted to the spot by the sight. Critoneo found his man and they spoke for a while, paying little heed to me. The sounds and smells of the place seeped into my pores and for months afterwards I would recall this day and count my good fortune, giving thanks to the Gods who had chosen my destiny. When his business had been completed, Critoneo pulled me by the hem of my cloak and I followed.

“It is my duty to keep our kitchens stocked. I thought you would enjoy coming. Getting away from the paedagogium for a few hours and seeing another part of Rome perhaps enlightens you?”

I understood his purpose and thought deeply of my status compared to that of others.

Evening had fallen by the time we returned to the paedagogium and the dining hall was already filled. I wound my way through the throngs of boys and could see by the way they looked at me as I passed that there were questions of why I had been away for the afternoon. Seeing Alexamenos above the heads of the others I went to him.

“Where have you been?”

There was an edge to his voice.

“With Critoneo,” I answered, disturbed by his agitation.

“You left me. You seem casual about the fact that you missed our time to work the lessons together!”

It was part of our education to read certain works in order to become more familiar with the Roman way. Alexamenos' skills with the written word were minimal. He had difficulty and I had been assisting him with studies. In exchange he had begun teaching me techniques in the art of self defense. Now I remembered were we to be tested on the morrow and Alexamenos was not fully prepared. He would chance the ire of our instructor and the likelihood of being sent to the pound for additional duty as punishment for having neglected his lessons.

I felt remorseful for having forgotten. It had not been up to me to decide whether to accompany Critoneo.

“I am sorry, Alexamenos. Early this afternoon Critoneo had me come with him into the city.”

“What for?”

His question irritated me as I felt I was being made to answer to something for which I had no need to account.

“There were things he wanted to tell me. And I think he wanted the company.”

All the boys around us were attentive to the conversation. Some were making snide remarks to each other about where it was that Critoneo had taken me. One boy speculated that I had probably been led to Critoneo's apartments in the heart of the city.

“You know nothing,” I said to them.

A Sicilian named Philemon who had become a source of irritation to me in the past weeks, who Alexamenos had warned about his abuse, laughed in my face and made a rude gesture to show what it was he thought I had done with Critoneo. Alexamenos made no move to defend me. On the contrary, he sat silent and looked at me with suspicion.

“You think this?” I asked him directly.

“He does take favor with you,” Alexamenos said accusingly. “Critoneo looks out for you like no other, here. What other reason could there be but that he desires you? Tell me that he has never taken liberties?”

“Never!”

At this, a burst of laughter rang out and I stood suddenly, unable to withstand the accusations compounded by the disapproval of Alexamenos. Without thought I began to bolt from the room but a sharp voice rang out that brought me quickly to my senses.

“Boy, be seated and do not rise until all have finished. You know the rules!”

Critoneo had stood and glared at me. His harshness added to my feeling of despair and I sat, tears marking through the day's dust still on my face.

“Look at her,” Philemon jeered. “She cries to soothe the anger of her suitor. You are wasting your tears on that old man, I tell you.”

Alexamenos leapt from his place at the table and fell on the Sicilian, pinning him to the floor. Before he could bring down a blow that would have surely cracked Philemon's skull, two proctors were on him and carried him from the room. Philemon regained his seat and looked at me with hate.

“You must be exceptional on the mattress to have so many enamored with your gifts. Perhaps you would let me taste the same pleasures?”

“I would rather take on the hounds,” I said with disgust.

Because of the commotion with Alexamenos, those at the proctors table were alerted to other possible troubles and the Sicilian knew it. He would not risk being removed like Alexamenos and therefore checked his anger.

“You, little woman, will answer to this when we are in a more appropriate setting. Take care not to be without your protector!”

Throughout the remainder of the meal Critoneo looked my way each time I looked to him. I could not tell his mood or attitude. He had put me in my place, but I felt that it had been more to emphasize to the others that I held no particular position, with him. But no one believed it.

After the lamps had been dimmed and many hours had passed as I lay awake with worry for Alexamenos, he returned. In the darkness of the cubicle I heard him step from his clothes and after some moments of silence, where I believed he was contemplating on whether to come to me, he laid on his own mat.  I was filled with remorse, but said nothing. Soon, believing me asleep, I heard him quietly weeping.

I could not stay still. I went to him. Kneeling beside his pallet, I tried to take him in my arms. He pushed me away without a word.

“Alexamenos do not be angry with me. I did nothing with Critoneo. I swear it!”

Once again I tried to hold him. This time he called out in pain as I pulled him near.

“What is the matter,” I asked.

“My back,” he moaned. “They lashed me for being unruly.”

In the darkness I found the flask of oil we used for wrestling at the paelestra and applied some to his shoulders and back, and smoothed it down to his rump. This touching produced both a sense of deep intimacy and an excitement that made me weak.

“You can put some even where I have not been lashed.”  His tone became more sensual.

I continued this message and indeed proceeded to apply the ointment to his legs and arms, lingering over each stroke to make it last, making love to him with my hands. When he turned onto his back I saw that he was equally excited. Our differences were put aside. In spite of his pain, he made love to me and I found myself enjoying the part I played.

From that night our relationship changed and Alexamenos became less a protector. He began to inflict little abuses, never being outwardly cruel. Where there had been thoughtful actions of endearment, there now were spaces of coldness and rejection. He would come to me in the night and I would yield, then he would return to his own bed. More often than not, I found myself lying with empty arms and yearning for him to hold me; too proud to ask him to stay. I began to resent these liberties and would sometime feign illness.

Our studies required much to be learned, and expectations were high. My mind strayed from my purpose. I thought constantly of Alexamenos and what was happening to our relationship. Each time I broached the subject, he vowed that nothing was wrong and charged me with trying to create issues where there were none. He soon had me believing that I was imagining all of it. Try as I might, I could not divine the source of his irritation and all the efforts to expiate myself with him fell on deaf ears.

Each approach was met with even more resistance, until I knew not what to do. And with his gradual withdrawal came increased abuse from the other boys. Alexamenos came fewer times to my defense.

One day we were together in the courtyard pruning branches and attending to other menial chores, alone together for the first time in many days. I was sick with his rejections. In the evening after the lamps were extinguished and our time of rendezvous came, our encounters had grown fewer, I took the opportunity to approach him on the matter and with determination, I held to my resolve not to let him deter me from answers to his behavior.

“Tell me,” I touched his arm and restrained him for the moment. “Why do you reject me?”

He shook himself free and moved some distance away, avoiding my question.

“Please Alexamenos, answer me. Why do you move from me? Why have we stopped being friends?”

Alexamenos seemed nervous.

“We are still friends. Why do you say we are not still friends?”

“You know why! Answer me this time. Why do you shun me? I ache for you at night and you turn on your side. You refuse to love me the way we once did.”

An expression of exasperation came to his face. I knew I was touching something in him that he wanted left alone.

“Are you totally unaware of what is being said about you,” he snapped at me. “Have you no idea of the warnings we've received concerning you?”

I was left without words.

“If I did not know better, Antinoos, I would swear that you were an idiot for your lack of awareness of what goes on around you.”

“What do you mean?” I genuinely did not understand.

“Tell me, for instance, that you have not been aware of the Sicilian's overtures?”

“But, the Sicilian hates me!”

“Of course he does. He hates you because you've ignored every advance. I've seen them many times.”

The conversation was getting more absurd and I found that there was little I could say in my defense or to offer argument.

“You've suggested that there have been warnings,” I changed the subject. “What warnings?”

“The word has been passed to us by Critoneo and his subordinates that the Emperor has his eye on you and that it would be foolishness for anyone to interfere or add difficulty to those plans. You are marked, Antinoos. For as much as some of the others hate you for this privileged position, they are also in awe of you and envy you. You command power and do not know it, and this makes you a laughing stock.”

“And you,” I said. “Do you hate me also? Is this why you avoid me?”

“It was suggested to me some weeks ago that perhaps I was deterring you from your studies and primary interests.”

“But if that is so, then why are we allowed to still room together?”

Alexamenos was silent for a moment. He looked me in the eyes and studied my face.

“Critoneo knows how much I like you. He knows we are friends and work well together. I think he feels that I make you happy, so he chooses not to change that. His concern is that you remain content.”

For the first time in many weeks Alexamenos and I were speaking as we had before the coldness had set in. I had wished it!

“Has he spoken to you directly about this?”  I wondered if Critoneo had taken Alexamenos aside as he had me.

“Only that I am not to encourage you in our lovemaking. He said it would be unwise to continue a relationship that went beyond friendship. When I asked what would happen if we did not stop loving, he said it could be arranged for me to be assigned elsewhere and there my fate would not be so sure. Critoneo pointed out that at least here, I had my fellows and was respected. Elsewhere such security and comfort could not be guaranteed. I might face harsh treatment, if sent away. It was a threat!”

Was I to tell myself not to love Alexamenos and have it suddenly be so? The thought of not having him to converse with, made me dread the possibility. I was vexed with indecision and confusion. I also understood the part Alexamenos had to play, and felt both sorry and responsible for him.

“So you see,” he said. “I have been trying to make this easier on each of us. And for a while this afternoon I did wonder if Critoneo was having his way with you. I know you are fond of him.”

“Yes,” I smiled as I took up the pruning shears and returned to my work. It occurred to me that we might be watched. I did not want to cause Alexamenos further punishment.

“I am fond of him. He has been very good to me. But my fondness does not lead to an attraction. Although I must admit that I would be kind to him in that fashion, should he demand it. But he has not.”

Alexamenos nodded, but I saw the shadow in his face that matched my desperation.

“What are we to do?” I asked.

“Create the illusion that we are barely speaking,” he suggested.

“But don't you think that it would defeat the purpose for which Critoneo keeps us together?”

Alexamenos was at a loss for an answer.

“No,” I said. “We must behave as though our ardor has cooled, but we still remain friends. We can love as before, in the privacy of night time.”

“And how are we to convince everyone?”

We both looked at each other for some time, caught in the dilemma.

“You might show some interest in the Sicilian?” Alexamenos suggested.

“Never!”

“Then someone else,” he said. “It is the one thing that would work.”

Chapter Five

Seasons, Late Winter 127 A.D.

Each day brought its own challenge. It seemed to me the more I succeeded, the more I was expected to excel. My Latin improved and I perfected my speech so that there was little trace of the accent peculiar to the region of Euxinus Pontus, from which I came. I found fascination with how the Romans had adapted our Greek gods with their own. This facility of their race assured their success all over the Empire.

I had a particular fondness to the God, Dionysos, who was born on the River Sangarius, and was a countryman. Dionysos represented elements not fully known by mortals. Dionysos raised the sap in the trees and brought forth the blossoms in those valleys and hills so dear to me when I was a child. And when the grape ripened and was plucked and made to give its juice, the wine was his gift to a plentiful harvest. My mother had a small statue of him in our house and when she felt herself laden with her moods of melancholy, she would pray to bring vitalization and rebirth. My connection to this feeling for nature and that of my homeland; its green meadows, lazy streams and crisp mountain air, probably was the result of being born in the month of November; the month of Cybele the Earth Mother. It is not without reason that the separation from my homeland and the ensuing time of apprenticeship in Rome caused great pain. I missed the soil. It was difficult for me to judge the passing of the time as I had done at home. Gradually my days became weeks and weeks, months. It seemed that my life was marked more by events. Before, the seasons had marked time.

Those events were often dies nefasti, the public holidays in which business in Rome ceased, and the population went to the games or to the theater. We were not privileged to attend most of these events, but were taken all together, to some. It was on these occasions that I would see Hadrian. Once, we were seated close to the Imperial Box. I saw him look my way and he smiled. My heart filled with excitement and I resumed hope that he had not forgotten me in spite of Critoneo's constant reminders that the Emperor was keeping daily interest in me.

On one occasion of games given by Hadrian to celebrate his birthday, I became aware that he was observing me closely. Rome had come alive for the time allotted for this celebration, and we were told days ahead that special permission had come from the palace, for us be involved. For six days Rome dispensed with its usual daily activities. For most Romans it was less a way of showing their respect for the occasion than a reason for enjoying another spectacle at the Emperor's expense.

There were gladiatorial combats, and into the arena went thousands of wild beasts which were slaughtered. Some will read these lines and think them excessive, but Hadrian was restrained in comparison with the games of Titus and Trajan; who celebrated the conquest of Dacia with 123 days of spectacles in the year 107. Ten thousand gladiators and eleven thousand animals were killed.

I recall the many times I was witness to such events, and of the hunts in which I participated with Hadrian where the killing was necessary sometimes, because the beast was a known killer and had preyed on local villages. Still, resistance and aversion moved me to detest the spilling of blood. Even when the life saved was my own; I stood above the carcass of that impressive animal and regretted its death. This reluctance to take life was not missed by the Emperor and he made it a project, as our relationship grew, to relieve me of the anxieties by repeated exposures. I only grew more proficient at hiding my revulsion.

I was constantly observed for my reactions, my thoughts, my qualities and faults. I felt surrounded by eyes, and not all were Critoneo's or of those who were reporting to the Emperor. My fellows watched for whatever special treatment I might be accorded, and held me in contempt. My feelings for Alexamenos were general knowledge and, as already mentioned, the attention became a sensitive issue with me.

I agreed with Alexamenos that perhaps our ardor would be better restrained to the darkness of our cubicle. If our plan was for one of us to feign taking on a new lover, I pleaded for him to do it.

“Who would you suggest?” Alexamenos asked.

“There are many of the younger boys who are infatuated with you. I believe any one of them would welcome your advances.”

Something in my voice disclosed the edge of fear I felt for the plan. And my words took on the sound of accusation.

“And what will you do if I find a new friend?

Will you hate me?”

Alexamenos sounded concerned. I could see how the proposed plan could lead to other emotions that would disintegrate what we felt for each other.

“Whatever happens, the Gods control our destiny and little can be done to alter it. My feelings for you are deep, and the coming years will not diminish the gratitude for how you befriended me when all the others did not. Alexamenos, you must be the one to move away from me. I cannot!”

“Shall I ask Critoneo to put me elsewhere?”

The thought of not having him with me in the nighttime was almost beyond imagining.

“Why would you want to do that?” I wondered if he was suggesting a total severance of our relationship. Something in his voice sparked fear. Somehow I felt that our time together was already in decline. How little I understood the emotion which I believed I felt for him!

If we could begin our lives with the knowledge and good sense with which we end it, it would make us all-knowing as the gods. Perhaps it is why they deprive us of the gift. How I would have valued more those allotted years which the gods gave for me to spend with Hadrian. I would have been better able to discriminate love from passion, and friendship from deceit. I would have understood the quality of love he had for me, and I for him.

The centuries have shown me much of the human emotion that often passes itself as love; that emotion which gives pain to the heart and demands of those we love, things that are often beyond them. This elusive emotion becomes the cause of jealousy and suspicion, mistrust and excess and breeds the worms of decay. It is not love at all! Love is not base. What passes for love often is desire dressed in love's costume. How many of history's great lovers were truly that? How can the greatest and most precious of human emotions cause pain, anger, hate, and then compulsion to degrade or hurt the ones we say we love! Is there an aching heart to be found in one who loves? I think not!

Alexamenos was security to me. He was someone to whom I could turn for attention and kindness. He was someone who touched me when I needed touching. And in his way he needed me as much as I needed him. This need is a key element to love's untarnished essence. Love is an emotion that does not need, but simply is and allows all else to be in harmony with it. I needed Alexamenos. I feared that in his departure he would find someone else.  For days I prayed that the decision of placing more distance between us would not be necessary. I resented being forced into these pretensions by those who seemed to meddle without relent.

Alexamenos initiated the move by becoming friendly with a particular group of boys who had formed a club among themselves. I saw him less during the day. He purposely sat away from me whenever we were at dinner or symposium. Word spread that we were estranged. He took on as a close companion, a boy from Syria who was slight of build, very pretty, lonely and defenseless and newly arrived. Although I felt sorry for the boy, I began to feel even more agitated with myself recognizing that these frailties were the very same ones that had attracted Alexamenos to me. I did not like what I saw! The relationship with the Syrian irritated me because it so resembled what we once had been with each other in the early months. Night was the only time we had for intimacy. The nights became the focus of my days, waiting for him to come to me.  And my moods were more the effects of emotion than of the climate which produced a constant coldness that permeated every waking hour. Yet, I grew to notice it less. The winter had been difficult, and throughout the many chilly nighttime hours we provided each other warmth that made do for its lack during the day. I cherished the time Alexamenos spent beside me, and resented it as well. My insides were being twisted with confusion and simultaneously conflicting surges. The winter passed slowly and the cold had a soul mate deep in my being.

Spring showed itself in the hills surrounding the city and in the gardens of the paedagogium. The budding trees on Mount Caelius, the flowers blooming in the gardens made my soul yearn for another time and another place. My hope for the coming year was heightened by an expectation whispered to us by one of the proctors, and the paedagogium became alive with speculation. The source of all this excitement was a report that the Emperor planned to make a journey to the northern regions and had ordered a group of pages to accompany the party that we might gain experience.

After an evening meal Critoneo rose and the hall fell silent. He announced that a list of names of those who were to be sent on the journey would be posted the following morning. All those whose names appeared were to gather belongings and be ready to depart in two days.

Many months had passed since such an opportunity had come, the last being when the Emperor had traveled East, the same journey which had brought me to him. Not many, who had been part of that expedition, remained. Most had gone on to higher service or had been sent to the outlying areas to fill various posts. Those boys who remained behind after the announcement were filled with curiosity and questions. I stayed behind, seated in the shadows, listening. Soon they began to gamble, betting whatever little trinkets they possessed or funds they owned, wagered on the hope that their names would appear on the list. Of interest to me were those who spoke the loudest and were the most confident, these being the ones I thought least likely to be chosen!

Alexamenos came and sat beside me.

“And what do you think of your chances?”

“I should think them dear,” I responded with a smile, “for we have been here less than three years. Surely this is something that in only for those ready to go into service. I think not, Alexamenos. You and I will be expected to remain behind and be given the added duties of those who will attend. After all,” I said jokingly, “Someone must tend the hounds!”

It was with a shock and disappointment that I read the list of names on the following morning. Mine was among the hundred who had been privileged, but Alexamenos was not. I immediately thought of appealing to Critoneo to remove me from the list or add my friend. But I realized that to even suggest such a thing would be a serious breach and certainly would reflect on my obedience. The list had been drawn and nothing would change it. There had been purpose. My heart was heavy with the knowledge that it would be many weeks before I saw Alexamenos again.

After Alexamenos had seen the list, he had seemed less disturbed than I, and this irritated me. Although he showed sorrow of the imminent departure, it did not match my own. I became morose, feeling that I had been deserted and used. I put distance between us all day, moving away each time he approached. All my duties were performed in a most mechanical fashion, my thoughts preoccupied with a storm of fancies of what I thought would happen on the journey. And energies were expended with the excitement of having to make ready for departure. I had to organize my things so that they could be added with the steadily growing pile of satchels, chests, and other belongings that were being collected in the courtyard as the day wore on.

Only in the evening after the meal, did we find ourselves together in intimacy. Alexamenos was reluctant to broach our parting. I knew he understood my anger. Knowing this, I imposed it in excess, considering it a fit punishment for his lack of caring.

“Why are you so sullen,” he asked. “Have I become the Sicilian, that you treat me so?”

“Why do you care?” My eyes met his with reproach. “It seems to make little difference to you that I will be gone!”

“And am I to go begging Critoneo to change the list? Do you assume that I am happy about your departure? You are acting like a child!”

“And what are you, then?” I turned on him with vengeance. “I have seen little from you to make me think this separation saddens you. Does our friendship mean so little?”

Alexamenos stepped so close to me that our noses almost touched and I could feel his hot breath on my face.

“You don't know what I feel! And what's more, this is no different than all those other times in my life when I have been left to myself. Go! I have survived before, and I will do it again.”

Night had fallen, but because of the circumstances of the day and our early departure on the following morning, Critoneo allowed the lamps to remain lit an extra hour so that last-minute details could be attended to, and so that friends could spend time together. Now, I began to recognize the pain in his eyes and I understood that I had misjudged him. Alexamenos and I sat at the open window overlooking the houses on the hillside below. A cool wind moved the stale air of our cubicle. In the distance I could see the lights of the Palace on the Palatine and I imagined the Emperor busy with the details of the coming journey. The thought of being in his close proximity for several weeks made me sense emotions that confused me and of which I had no name.

“Antinoos,” Alexamenos began softly, touching my hand. “This voyage will last ‘til spring. We have different paths to walk, I think. The problem we had seems to have been solved by the Emperor. It is not by chance that we were not to be together.”

“But you seem almost happy of it,” I said.

“I am not happy!”

Alexamenos quickly turned his face to the night sky. Somewhere in the neighborhood a hound howled and the loneliness of the cry intensified my mood.

Alexamenos continued. “I am sad that these many months of happiness with you have come to end. But all started with the destiny of ending. The purpose
of our meeting was for me to be of service, I am sure of it.”

“What are you saying?” I was at loss for his meaning.

“It seems we met by chance. But our friendship was by intent. You are marked, Antinoos. I have said it before. Today proves my point. Your course is chartered by a higher source than yourself, and I know that it is not my destiny to be a part of it.”

This sense of destiny of which he spoke had begun to make itself felt. Pieces of the puzzle were slowly coming together in a pattern that was revealing itself. I was not aware of my lack of sophistication as others seemed to be. Alexamenos, despite his rough edges and provincial ways, was much more world-wise than I, still at the suckling stage by comparison.

“But are we not to be friends any longer?”

Tears began to well in my eyes and I did my best to hide them. It would have been unseemly to weep. Alexamenos was the first deep bonding I had experienced and the environment in which it had occurred, gave it gravity.

He leaned closer, letting his bare side touch mine. He felt me shudder and held me close.

“Antinoos, time and distance may separate us, but our minds have captured images and nothing but our wills can make them naught.”

At that moment, I felt a most profound emotion. In this boy, even for a brief moment, I had found a friend, a confidant, a defender of my weaknesses, and a lover. In the years to come I would measure the depth of love not by the time but by intensity, and come to know that the love of an hour can be as deep and meaningful as that of a century; its measure and depth judged only by the Gods. How much more valuable would be the knowledge of maturity and age, to youth!

But that night, all I understood was that something was being taken away from me, not given! And having possessed a part of Alexamenos, I wanted to assure myself of even more. Our bodies touched again and the sweet rapture began to blend with the faint smell of jasmine. From our place at the window we watched the night sky and spoke of those similar times aboard the ship that had brought us to Rome. Much had happened since then. We were no longer boys, and not yet men. Alexamenos pinched the lamp as he led me to bed.

Chapter Six

Awakening, March 127 A.D.

What does a child know of love? It senses security from its parents and knows nothing of the human emotion that gives rise to the powerful force with which a parent protects. In the absence of familiar faces, it feels panic. Then the child grows and comes to learn that this emotion, so powerful and commanding, has a name.

All the primitive emotions disguised as love have facets not entirely admirable. It is from these early years that we identify love with something that it is not. Love is not ownership. It is not the slavery of serving one individual at the expense of one's own needs. In finding what mysteries of life are yet to be discovered, love is not the holding back but rather, the letting go of the beloved who yearns for a different quest. Love is not the asking for, but the giving of, even when it means freedom.  It is not the formulation of expectations and the seeking of commitment, but something willingly given without reserve. It is the joy of letting one's needs take second place to those of the beloved's, but only when given without demand. A habituated expectation slowly poisons love, turning it into resentment.

All these things are the lessons to be learned by a child. Fate would have it that some never learn it. My father, although willing to give me advice, was not so available for other things, and so it was from my mother that I came to understand how wonderful and soothing it is to feel a loving hand and the closeness of bodies in warmth. Soft eyes and a kind word can reach an undernourished soul.

In Alexamenos I found the first buds of love. I had sought it from my teachers, from my uncle who lived with us and sometimes had taken me on his knee and made me laugh; from my friends at school who played roughly, and in that play I experienced a joy of friendship only matched in later years on the hunts, where I accompanied Hadrian. None of the early emotions compared with how my heart felt in the months I found myself with Alexamenos.

Men are often attracted to young boys who represent innocence or weakness. Boys who have feminine attributes seem most desired because of their softness and vulnerability. These relationships are in keeping with the sacred male fraternity of early training and education toward service in the military or as a public servant. We Greeks have, for centuries, honored the eromenos / erastes associations. Fathers placed their sons in the hands of young men who sought their favors, and in this capacity the boys were educated in the areas of combat, language and civil law, physical excellence, and many other elements considered necessary for a boy's preparation to the service of country.

I had come into contact with some who had helped me discover and nurture my sexuality and in these relationships with boys my own age and with older men, I came to know myself and accept nature. There were not many. My experience was fundamental and the contacts were of the intercrural kind, where a boy can maintain his virginity; a way of expressing need and desire and maintaining the semblance of masculinity.

I had loved Alexamenos a long time without penetration. We each acquiesced to this restriction. That method implied something which I could not put into words, but of which we both knew had serious consequence. He had never sought it from me. In my having assumed the dominant position in our lovemaking, I had not made love to him in any other way but for that one night, when he had returned from his punishment. Our last night together took a different turn. Knowing I would be gone for some time and not knowing what fate was in store, I felt the need to take something of him. I opened myself to him again. Although his appetite was as highly charged as my own, there was something in the way he behaved afterward that made me feel in less regard. For days to follow, while plodding relentlessly torturous roads and finding my mind wandering, I thought about the dark side my nature exemplified by my act with Alexamenos, in our last hours together.

In March of the third year of the 225th Olympiad, we departed Rome and passed the site of the rising mausoleum which was to be Hadrian's resting place. The circular structure on the bank of the Tiber was, at this time, a barely discernible ground-plan. But it was evident that something of large proportion and significance was to be built. Piles of stone and slabs of marble lay neatly stacked. Filiniana, a lady-in-waiting to Sabina, kept me informed of the sights as we passed. I had not ventured into these northern sections of the city. Filiniana, small and as finely chiseled as the delicate porcelain statues from the Orient, filled me with her beauty as much as she did with her knowledge of the surroundings.

We followed the river and passed the beautiful tree-covered Pinchio Hill, the place where, yet to come, would rest a marker commissioned by the Emperor to commemorate my existence and passing. Exiting the city through the northern-most gate and crossing the Tiber, we entered the countryside. The campagña was resplendent with lush vegetation even at this time of year. Buds on the trees and the riotous shades of the flowers played against a deep azure sky. Shadows began to increase as we made our way into a land more forested, but for the moment all was bright sun and gentle hills.

Following the Via Flaminia, we arrived at our first major settlement, the town of Fanum Fortunae on the Adriatic coast. It was given its name by Julius  Caesar when he occupied it after crossing the Rubicon; given its wall and street grid by Augustus with the intent of making it a more fortified location, and given a new library and a larger gymnasium by Hadrian. This benefaction had been recently ordered and he was inspecting the work in progress; as he would do all long the way where he had allotted monies to be used for civil improvements. Then we followed the Via Aemillia to Arimium, one of the Empire's major towns at the juncture of several trade routes, controlling passages between the Apennines and the Adriatic. It was a beautiful location on a narrow strip of land between the mountains and the sea. Here we met with such enthusiasm by the population who showed their joy at seeing the Empress in the entourage. Sabina returned their respect by convincing Hadrian to remain an extra day and take part in a local religious celebration. At Arimium, Hadrian assigned his architect, Apollodorus, to execute a plan for the expansion of the harbor.

We moved on to Forum Livi, Bononia, and then heading north-east along the Via Annia to inspect the construction being done on the road; on to Patavium where once again we came to the sea. At each city, Hadrian left a legacy of new construction or funds to be used for the public welfare. He was so occupied with overseeing his projects and reviewing the legions stationed along the way, that it was well over a week before I first saw him.

My position in the Imperial Party was that of page to the Empress Sabina. I knew little of the relationship between Hadrian and his wife except of the rumor that she was his wife in name, only. The weeks to follow would make it clear to me that it was not love, but expediency and propriety that kept these two wed.

Sabina was a tall and stately woman of such presence that all who came into her proximity, were struck by her authority and self-assurance. Her will was such that few of us ever dallied when ordered to her service. She took a liking to me, and showed me kindness. Perhaps it was my demeanor? Although awed by her stature, I was not frightened by her and therefore, did not show dismay.  She liked me!

Fate holds ironies which, if disclosed, would test the susceptibility of the most innocent. Could she have guessed that I would become what she could not? I too, took a liking to her. Her grandeur held constant against the tribulations of a troubled marriage. She seldom attended the Emperor on the many journeys he felt were necessary, to truly know his realm.  Her presence in the company of Hadrian's travels was a rarity.

A few days from Aquileia it was announced that the Emperor planned to attend an evening meal with the Empress, and all was made ready. Hadrian arrived at sunset. He had spent the day reviewing troops stationed in the hills above a pass that was one of our northern outposts. The location was a strategic one in that it barred free movement into the upper regions of Gallia. Along the banks of the delta on these mild evenings before we entered the cold, mountainous areas all at base camp waited with anticipation.

I was assigned to be among the pages in the greeting party and attend to whatever of his needs might arise. All had to be done with perfect form, for eyes would be on me! My palms were wet and my clothing stained with sweat. I could do no more than keep from tripping over my own feet and recalled the afternoon when similar clumsiness had earned me his kind words.

Still dressed for the field, Hadrian had not had time to bathe and as he dismounted, we were instructed to attend him and carry the armor and helmet. I stepped near to receive his cloak and smelled his aroma. He had handed the helmet to his servant to be passed on to me, but when he saw me he leaned forward and placed it directly in my hands. Our eyes met and locked for a moment. It seemed that the world, everything in it, stopped. His eyes pierced into me but the smile on his lips soothed the harsh, tired lines of his face.

“So Bithynian, you have come a long way since we last met. Tell me, has all this been to your liking?”

Having lowered my eyes in respect and not daring to look up, I nodded in affirmation. By the silence around us, I could tell that all those who stood near, were intently aware of the conversation. It was not the norm for the Emperor to address a lowly page. Suddenly I felt a gentle hand touch my chin, and he raised my face so that our eyes met again.

“Well, boy, do you still have trouble formulating your words? I had hoped that these many months of training would have instilled more confidence. This lad before me is not the boy about which Critoneo has been so proudly reporting. Come, speak!”

Hadrian's face, his wide-apart eyes and broad brow, seemed so distant. Each day since my departure from Bithynia I had recreated and relived our first meeting. Now it did not seem the same. Something deep in my soul chilled it. A foreboding reminiscent of those days when as a child, I seemed to tap the nether world and sensed things to come. It was an ability that was a family heritage and one not spoken of. Of this, I will speak later. For now, something in this meeting with Hadrian that I could not fully understand nor formulate into thought filled me with a sense of pressing destiny.

He saw my discomfort, and understood that he was drawing attention to me. He touched my shoulder once in reassurance, then moved away from me but nor before he leaned close and spoke.

“You will come to me tonight, so we can speak. Wait for my man to give you word. Be well until then, Antinoos.”

I found myself surrounded when I returned to the quarters set aside for servants. Questions came tome from all sides about the words he had spoken to me. There was little time to idle before the banquet that for the time being, I was spared the need to answer. Only Filiniana, while she accompanied me on my chores of selecting the linens and table-ware, asked me directly.

“It would seem that you are something more than a page in this retinue. You are treading dangerous ground if you encourage him!”

Her words were so filled with caution that it took me by surprise.

“Don't look so innocent, Antinoos. You know perfectly well what I am speaking about. The Emperor is known for his inclinations. You are a pretty boy and the Emperor has a taste for pretty boys. But he is a good man, and one concerned for the well-being of his subjects; he thinks straightforward and deals honestly. His mind is solid except for when he see a pretty face. You are out of the ordinary, my little fawn!”

Her words had been spoken softly. I believed her to be advising me about the Emperor. It did not occur to me that her words had come from her own desire. I had nothing to answer to all of it. My mind was unable to grasp the whole, and my anxiety over trying to keep focused on my work, made me even more ineffective. I kept moving from chest to chest, making piles here and there, getting nothing accomplished. Everywhere I went, Filiniana was beside me.

I stopped suddenly, and sat facing her.

“And what will you have me do?” I asked. “I am nothing, here. My purpose is to serve. My training has been to be of service. It was not my choice to be there!”

“Of that I am sure,” she said sarcastically. “But you are here with purpose. My Lady was attentive to this little dialogue of yours, this evening. She observed the interest the Emperor paid to one of his pages. She knows your function, I am sure of it!”

I had seen Sabina's kindness and felt her liking for me. To know that I had become a possible source of irritation to her and something of a rub, turned my nervousness to worry and I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was be forced to face her.

The lateness of the hour made further conversation impossible and we all rushed about, putting into place everything necessary for the royal dinner. In all, there would be eighty in attendance. Along with the Emperor's party, regional prefects and two monarchs from the East were part of the cortège. Throughout the evening, we scurried about to keep the warm food coming from the kitchens and to see that no wineglass remained empty. I kept my eyes diverted from the Emperor's and gave full attention to my duties. But I could not help but notice that Sabina's conversations with the Emperor's guests and her animated respect for the dignitaries was second to her curiosity of me. She watched me intently.

When the food had been removed and the more potent wines were brought, many who were in attendance became loud and boisterous. I could see that within this context Hadrian and Sabina had become involved in deep discourse while their guests were being entertained by Nubian charmers who danced and played instruments, weaving among the couches. I stood in the shadows, waiting for a sign of need of service. All servants save four had been dismissed for the remainder of the evening.  Filiniana had rebuked me with a poke of her finger, before leaving. There had been no need of words. I felt on trial!

The intent of the banquet had been festive, but soon the air turned to more serious things and Sabina retired to her quarters, but not without first passing close to me and letting her eyes rest briefly on mine. I saw no anger.

Niratius Priscus, a close companion of the Emperor, knowledgeable of law and advisor of same, motioned me to approach with more wine. I poured carefully, standing only inches away from Hadrian as he lay reclined in conversation. The intensity of close proximity made my knees weak. I began to move away but was stopped by his hand on my leg. He motioned to have his cup filled. As I bent near, his lips came close to my ear and he whispered.

“Be patient, little Bithynian. Your time will come soon enough. For now, let yourself be concerned with the manner of what goes on here. Observe. Remember. It will keep you in good stead. Now wait close by, I want you near!”

I stood where he pointed, and the heat of my neck and face was like searing coals. There were several eyes on me all at once; some, of a curious nature. Some, I feared.  The hour wore on and my legs found it difficult to support my weight. My eyes were like leaden shades and it was only with greatest effort that I kept them open. Within the tent, the smell of food, wine, the smoke of the pipes and aroma of the burning lamps, all lent to a heaviness that made me feel intoxicated.

With my head reeling and my mind somewhat fogged, I found myself in full stare of him and realized that he too, had been looking at me for some time. When Hadrian noticed clarity coming back into my eyes, he smiled and with his hand, bid me come closer.

“You are exhausted, my little Greek. Leave us now. Take your sleep near my quarters. Tell the guard that I have instructed you so, and give him this as proof.”

Hadrian handed me a broach that tied his cape. I set the wine jar down and with the other pages looking on, left with a feeling of both relief and anxiety; relief to be rid of the occasion, and anxiety for what was to come.

Chapter Seven

Ganymede, Spring 127 A.D.

In the passing hours the crescent moon had traveled below the hills and the forest had released its peculiar dampness, tinged with the scent of moss and pine that marked the end of night and heralded the nearing dawn. A hand on my shoulder brought me out of my reverie and I thought it the hand of the watchman who had stopped throughout the night to assure that I needed nothing more for warmth.

When I first arrived and placed the broach in view of the Captain of the Guard, he escorted me to a small tent close to the one used by the Emperor. There, I settled into a fitful slumber marked by phantoms stimulated by all that had occurred during the day. I saw myself between two powerful giants, each trying to tear me apart. These two first appeared as friendly specters, each having offered me succor from a journey of unidentified origin whose purpose it was for me to find a land in which I would discover peace.

As I was tossed by the monsters from hand to dreadful hand, I felt myself torn to pieces, each part wrenched from its place with perverse pleasure. Each agonizing separation was accompanied by the sound of thunder and a pain of equal force. I watched myself reduced to nothing, and the anguish slowly turned to terror as I became no more. Through the removal of pain and anguish as I expired, the finding of peace in release brought forth a final, desperate agony.

My cries called attention to me and the guard on duty knelt beside me and soothed me with a lullaby sung in a Germanic tongue which I did not understand, but which had its desired effect.

Some time later I opened my eyes and saw before me in the pale light of the campfire shining through the canvass, the Emperor. His face showed concern. He whispered and touched me gently on the brow.

“You have waited long and I am sorry for having been detained. But many matters are discussed and settled under the guise of revelry. Wine is the messenger and facilitator of arbitration.”

I yawned, then realized the grossness of the act and quickly covered my mouth in shame and fear.

“Well you might yawn, my little Bithynian,” he laughed. “Pay it no heed. Come, follow me and we will obtain something more comfortable than these sheep-skins for your bedding.”

The Emperor led the way past the guards who stood rigidly at attention at the sight of his approach. Hadrian passed the sentries positioned at his door, and we entered the large tent. What I saw brought me fully awake. I had imagined the Emperor's private quarters to be opulent and luxurious. They were plain and sparse. The only excess was a pallet piled thick with large cushions which I took to be the bed. He pointed to it.

“This is not my usual sleeping place. I had this prepared for you. Come, lie with me for a while and tell me about your life since we last met.”

Hadrian stood silently as two servants entered and assisted him as he disrobed. Two others came to me and began to perform the same service. I moved away, not used to such fawning. The servants, each having come to know me in the days we were together on the road, looked at me with awe and envy. I motioned for them to leave me.

“No, Antinoos! Let them do what they must do. You should begin to accustom yourself to such things.”

The servants approached me again. I relented. Once shed of my clothing and standing almost naked, feeling conspicuous, Hadrian dismissed everyone and we stood facing each other. He took my hand and led me to the bed and I followed willingly, heart pounding so loudly that I was sure everyone in camp could hear it. My body was rigid and nervous, the tension quite obvious in my muscles. With gentle hands, Hadrian soothed me so that soon, I was almost calmed and relaxed.

From somewhere in the camp came the sound of a flute, played by a soldier or slave unable to sleep. The notes drifted on the air as an aromatic spice cradled by the breeze. Few words were spoken between us. I filled with a security I had not known since those months when I had left my homeland and parents behind.

Hadrian held me to him and his strength, at first almost too forceful, soon became a gentle cushion to the tensions which had plagued me. I dared not press my intentions and waited patiently for his passion to give me direction. Yet he spoke, and continued to ask of my welfare, all the while urging me to respond.  At first I found it difficult to speak in his presence. I could not believe he was truly interested. But his attention and questions showed me that he was indeed listening. I began to find myself talking freely, even effusively, as a means of hiding the anxieties of our closeness.

But this great man who ruled much of the world and had absolute power, took nothing from me but my companionship beside him. He had bathed but the scent of the soap could not cover the smell of leather and sweat which was so much a part of him and which, in years to come, would be more pleasing to me than those fragrances so often worn by the affected of the court.

In this our first time together, he did no more than hold me and tell me in his soothing words how destiny had brought me to him. I recalled his similar words spoken in the garden, the day we first met.

“Antinoos, forces will come to pull at you. You will be pressed by many who will feign to be friends, and in that guise they will plot you harm!”

He had prophesied. He spoke of the same forces now. His words pierced my sleepiness and it was as though he read my memory of the nightmare. I was startled by the perception and shivered from fear that this man could so clearly see my mind.

“These trials will be the forging of your strength and a test of your mettle. I have no doubt you will rise above these things. For now, let us give ourselves to sleep. Much has been done and much more faces us tomorrow.”

“But there is so little darkness left, my Lord. Shall I wake you at the end of the last watch?”

Hadrian laughed and hugged me.

“Sleep is something which even an Emperor cannot command or buy. It is not my lot to have much of it, and it is my fortune to require little. So, close your eyes and rest while we stay together like this. You are a comfort to me. Be less anxious of me, Antinoos. I mean you no harm. Are you still frightened of me?”

“Yes, a little!”

“Then perhaps time will soothe your apprehensions. Sleep, now.”

His hand rubbed my back as I lay cradled by his side. I do not know if he was aware of my arousal. Certainly its manifestation was obvious beneath my sheer tunic. But he made no move other than pulling the linen cover over me and soon, I drifted into sleep.

The sentry's voice calling out the hour, penetrated my stupor. As I opened my eyes, I could see that Hadrian was already up and about his business. He greeted me, pointing to a table where bread and hot broth were waiting.

“Come child, eat quickly. You must return to the Empress' service, and I must be off.”

Something of my disappointment must have shown in my eyes. He came to me and tussled my hair, chucking me under the chin.

“What is this look, little Bithynian? Are you angry with me for sending you away? You must still fill your function here, Antinoos. No special privileges, yet!”

That he should think that I was objecting to being sent back because I expected privileges embarrassed me. My sorrow of leaving him was for no other reason than liking his company and enjoying the behind-the-scenes look at the Emperor's life. He seemed to lift my spirits.

I ate little and quickly dressed. All his semblance of grace and courtliness became replaced with the dryness and abruptness of the military. Couriers began to arrive and soon the Emperor forgot that I was there and this allowed me to leave quietly, escorted by one of his aides.

I returned to the section of the camp occupied by the entourage, and already the encampment was in process of being dismantled. All around, the bustle of the day had begun and when I entered my quarters all activity ceased. Try as I might to ignore the stares and questions asked by the other servants and slaves who had awaited my return, little could be done to reduce their inquisitiveness. Had all of them been simply curious, I would have considered myself well off. There were some among the group of pages who continued their abuse. Others, realizing something extraordinary was taking place by my position in the retinue, had become more solicitous; carefully ingratiating themselves into my good graces, although I did not recognize this at the time. I assumed these fellows were coming to better understand me and liking me more. That they were understanding there was no doubt! They understood much more than I! Still others could not move beyond their jealousies.

One among all who helped me maintain balance and something of sanity in the days ahead was Filiniana. Her role as arbitrator and conciliator to my involvement with the Emperor and Empress was of most importance. I later learned from Sabina's lips how my presence had moved her from rage to gradual acceptance, and finally, to my being considered as her link to Hadrian. We were separated by twenty years and sometimes I became more her son than rival. For me, she embodied some elements of my mother, for whom I yearned.

Filiniana supervised my every move. I seldom was out of her watchful eyes. Her attention was not so overwhelming that I objected. On the contrary, I enjoyed it and we became close. I was grateful for her regard. I knew that Filiniana had been instructed to stay close to me.

Her slight build and gentle manner belied a ferocity which I saw one day when Epitychamus, a page assigned to the Empress' clothing and personal effects, made a rude remark about my masculinity, or lack of it, when I was in the presence of the Emperor. Filiniana had been standing nearby and overheard his words. She approached him and cuffed him beneath the chin, remonstrating him with a warning. Surprised by her attack, the boy instinctively moved to protect himself by raising his fists. His status as a famuli clearly placed him below her own as close confidant to the Empress, which gave her undeniable supremacy. For this mistake of threatening her, Epitychamus was soundly boxed about the ears by her and he left almost in tears from the embarrassment, the blood rising to his face and turning it crimson. For those who witnessed this event, it was made evident that I was not to be annoyed and that the Emperor's name was not to be used lightly. Filiniana then turned to me and pushed me along to my chores.

“Though you rise to a Ganymede, you have not yet reached his stature, Antinoos. You must work like the rest of us. On with it!”

Her words left me wondering!

PART TWO

Chapter Eight

In Spirit, Greek, 127 A.D.

I knew much about him. Yet, there was so much more to know. Hadrian had been brought from Spain in his early years by his cousin Trajan, who was Praetor at the time. The boy Hadrian had lost his father when he was ten, and his immediate care had been assigned to Acilius Attianus, a knight who later became Prefect of the Guard and of deeply significant assistance to his young ward.

Hadrian rose to prominence slowly. He was tested by the demanding Trajan. When he proved himself capable, his position was further strengthened by his marriage to Sabina, Trajan's niece. Rumors abounded throughout the school that shades of doubt existed concerning Hadrian's rise to the purple. Some said that as a lover of Plotina, Trajan’s wife, he had maneuvered himself to the throne. But these things were only whispered and never spoken aloud.

Much of his early education was received in Athens. It was there that he came to love Hellenism; a proclivity for which he would be criticized by many of his contemporaries. It was there that he nurtured his gifts of music, poetry, dialectics, and his passion for sculpture; especially of this kind produced by Polyclitus and Praxiteles. He became mesmerized by the architectural achievements of Ictinus and Callicrates, designers of the rebuilding of the Acropolis. The words and thoughts of Aristophanes, Protagoras, Socrates, Sophocles, Thucydides, and a host of other famous men of letters became his foundation for thought. Because of his love of the Greeks, he was often called Greekling by those who sought to belittle his temperament.

Hadrian was a military commander of extraordinary ability. He rivaled Trajan in the qualities of leadership. He was a taskmaster who rode beside his soldiers and shared in their meals and hardships. He was greatly admired and respected by his men. He gave himself fully to them and in turn, demanded discipline and order. In the provinces where some officers and prefects had surrounded themselves with luxurious accommodations and excessive comforts, Hadrian stripped them to what they once had been, and reprimanded or removed to more remote locations those responsible for abusing their power of office.

His reign began with death. Attianus was a life-long friend who had followed Hadrian from Africa to Greece, and then to Rome. He had been given a prominent position when the Emperor had come to the purple. Before Hadrian returned to Rome, from his campaign in the North, as the new Emperor, Attianus, believing that he was removing potentially dangerous opposition in the Roman Senate, had four of its members put to death. These executions forever perjured relations between Hadrian and that ruling body. Hadrian understood the terrible mistake made by the act, and held Attianus responsible, forcing him to resign his post as Prefect. There was something about how this close relationship, one which had been nurturing to Hadrian and now seriously eroded in confidence and respect, affected his other relationships in which he was forced to place utmost confidence on trusted aides. Many times during our moments together he would converse with himself as though alone, and remark, wondering when this one or that one would fail him or if that one would mislead or desert him. Attianus stood as a watermark against which others were judged or pitted.

Like his relationship with his men of the army years, he demanded the same kind of loyalty of those who were close to him. But each of these relationships was tinged with suspicion. All this forced me to be profoundly attentive to his mood. I took no allegiances, courted no favors, made no promises, and kept a deaf ear to the daily temptations of court. But of course in the early years, I knew nothing of his penchant for absolute allegiance and took him for whatever part he offered. He was so gently kind to me at moments, that when I saw his rages I could not believe him to be the same man. And at these times, I would fill with such panic and pain that I too, would become morose and withdrawn, wondering at his anger.

These very words bring tears. I recall with supreme affection this wonderful man. I see his face, still; the deeply penetrating eyes set close and always observing. Sometimes as I looked into them I could see the gray-blueness, distant thoughts and almost hidden longings. He would catch me at this and for a moment, sternly scrutinize my motives. But then, he would remember me and know that my love for him was absent of anything but devotion.

The line of his mouth, seldom smiling, could suddenly lose its sternness and the frown brought on by the weight of his position, would become a smile. With tenderness he would turn, and just at the moment when I believed myself forgotten by him, he would give me a kind word or ask some question relating to the discussion at hand. He never failed to make it known that he considered me important, albeit sometimes due to the demands made of his time, it would be days before I would see him.

Hadrian was of fair skin. His face and arms turned red in the sun. I often applied salve to his body when he would burn, and I marveled at the power of his muscular thighs, the hardness of his lower back, and the tenseness of his neck and shoulders. His stomach was like stone. Sometimes he would stand and urge me to throw my fist into it as he watched and laughed as I recoiled as though my fist had met a wall. He was taller than average. This gave him the appearance of supremacy when surrounded by heads that were all below his. As I neared manhood this attribute became a worry to me as I grew tall and near matched his measure.

He wore a beard and kept it closely cropped and well barbered. His hair was always carefully combed forward and on his brow, he wore it curled. His dress was never anything but functional when in travel. He wore the toga in Rome but quickly shed that for something less formal whenever he escaped the place. Rome was not pleasing to either of us!

My heart aches! These recollections sharpen memories dulled by centuries. I hear his voice, sense his touch, and smell again the aromatic essence that was solely his.  He would recite the verses of the ancient Greeks, and in them I could hear his soul calling for a return to those ideals. The Hellenistic love of line and simplicity of thought produced such a wonder of the race that he ached constantly to be back in his favored city, Athens. It is this place that offered so much happiness in the few years we spent together. Free from the scrutiny of those insufferable Latins, we enjoyed the

freedoms so available from the Greeks and their wonderful ways. There, our love was honored. That I was Greek , was no small part! The prospect of a visit to that city was enough to make the Emperor as lightheaded as a child.

He had friends in Athens. And his projects of reconstruction were of utmost importance to him because he believed that by revitalizing the city, he could revitalize Greece itself. He sought to bring together the many independent city-states by energizing Athens's cultural traditions and building anew several structures that, in recent centuries, had gone into ruin. He took the uncompleted temple of the Olympian Zeus and enlarged  its proportions so that it became the largest temple on Greek soil. The site for this development of temple, baths, and public buildings was located near the River Ilissos. On its banks were several other lesser temples. To the east of the huge structure, an arch of beautiful dimensions marked the separation between the ancient city of Theseus from that of the new city of Hadrian. He had great hopes for this once beautiful nation, now but a specter of what it had once been.

It was in that city that I was to embark on a journey that would lead me to the gates of the underworld and back. The mysteries of Eleusis took hold of my mind and soul. I came to understand that life is nothing compared to dimensions outside of time and space. We shared these mysteries together. Hadrian joined me in a blending of spirits that bound us closer than life itself. No physical love could match the awesome power shared in our experience within the great hall of the Telesterion at Eleusis. Demeter and Persephone became companions in my search for everlasting life, and with them in my heart, I met rescue in the Nile waters. But that is yet to be told. For now it is sufficient to state that we became more than what we were, after the sacred rites. The months to follow would not have been bearable without the gift of Eleusis. I could have found nothing of the kind in Rome!

We remained

My youth was caught up by his power and magnificence. Only in time did  I come to see the human aspects of his being and understand that his need for power and control was necessary. It would come between us. But in the early years his attention and the love I felt for him and from him, made me search within myself for the excellence he always sought in others. In those days we journeyed to Marathon and paid homage to Theseus, of whom Hadrian saw in himself, a reincarnation of spirit. Marathon was the home of Herod Atticus and it was with him that we stayed while there. Atticus possessed great wealth. He assisted the Emperor with his plans of redevelopment, making large sums of money available to fund the imperial projects.

Standing beside the burial mound of the 192 Athenians who fell in battle in that great conflict between the Greeks and Persians, centuries past, I felt lifted to a strangely peaceful realm. Such an aura of sadness filled me for days afterwards, that I could not bring myself to leave. Seeing that I was preoccupied, Hadrian organized a hunt into the foothills and only then, did I detach myself from the troublesome thoughts, these to become more and more a part of my nature. Understanding his concern and knowing that my temperament was infecting the party, I was able to lift myself from it and enjoy the countryside and the chase.

There were evenings, beneath the Attic skies, when we sat and listened to the silence and when the wind was right we could smell the sea and the port of Piraeus. He would study the heavens

and read what the gods had to say in them. Those long nights of silence gave me such comfort that my happiness seemed to so full that it could not be sustained. As he would plot his charts by lantern light, I would hand him the instruments of that work, which I had come to know. Although little was said between us, our being together was enough to fill the space with what our hearts exchanged. I would sense his peace and see his joy and feel supremely elated at the knowledge that I was the source of it. Sometimes our hands would reach out and touch and this would sustain us for hours. This ecstasy too often would be broken by the insult of Rome. The Emperor had carefully chosen apt and able administrators to carry on the work of state. However proficient these officials might be, he was expected to return to Rome for the business of the Senate and for other occasions which required his presence. These were intrusions on our languid sojourns! Hadrian would return to being Emperor, and I would return to being Antinoos, the upstart Bithynian who was also a catamite bent on corrupting the he of state! How joyful were thewagging tongues. How quick they were to persecute!

But all this came later in our relationship. It was at a time when I had risen to prominence beside him as an amici, no longer considered a famuli, the simple page kept to the side to attend the hounds and horses, as I had once done. Critoneo had once told me that my destiny was set. I understood little then, of the degree to which it became so. Again, my thoughts race forward and the chronology to which I intended to adhere, has run awry.

Chapter Nine

Fortunes

We followed the coast along the Adriatic, the sea having been named after the ancient lineage of the Emperor, stopping first at Arimium and then, Ravenna. This town, once  a settlement along the banks of a lagoon, was made prominent by Augustus when he developed the port of Portus Classis approximately one league from the town. It was the base of the Roman Adriatic Fleet. From Ravenna we went inland heading northwest to Aquileia, built long ago as defense against the Celts, but now a major trading center. The marauding tribes had been pushed farther west. Our business in Ravenna had something to do with the Emperor's private holdings and our stay was brief.

Several days passed between our first night together and the next meeting. In the interim I became concerned about my position and function in Sabina's party, knowing there would be another summons from Hadrian. He had said nothing to me about meeting again, but I knew it would happen. My nightmare returned and each time, I knew it as a forecast of my destiny. I came to understand the forces that were tearing me apart. This revelation came one evening as I sat beside Filiniana, as we polished pieces of silver and gold dinnerware. The other boys had been sent to collect firewood for the braziers, in preparation for a cold night. The sun set early in the hills, and darkness fell at an unordinary hour. The surrounding mountains cut short the light of day by several hours, and it seemed that we were always breaking or setting camp in darkness. Fortunately these times were minimal, as much of our journey was paced so that we went from one post to the next within a day's march.

We were to enter the region of Pannonia the following day. It had been a long and tedious march through rugged country. The heat had been particularly intense and unseasonable. All were exhausted, but there was to be a reception for the regional prefect and some officers of the army, the following day. It was decided that the time would not allow for proper preparation. We took advantage of the few hours before sleep, to ready.

I was not in a talkative mood. My mind had been preoccupied with thoughts of Alexamenos. I missed him terribly and felt a yearning for his closeness. I had noticed Filiniana watching me. We had been together much of the day and she had probed me with leading questions about my encounter with the Emperor, I was reluctant to answer. Now in the quiet hours, with the sound of the wind in the hills and the flickering shadows of the campfire, I became less guarded and almost hypnotized by the mood.

“You know,” she said, her head bent over the jeweled cup she had been polishing with a chamois. “There is a heightened interest in you. My Lady had approached me several times to ask if you have made mention of the Emperor.”

“Is she angry?”

Suspecting that my career as a page was coming to an end, I was curious and worried about Sabina's questions. Surely the Empress could send me away with a quick dismissal. Would Hadrian respond? Would he move to keep me near?

Filiniana nodded her head to show that my fears were ungrounded.

“She has long been aware of the Emperor's inclinations. You are not the first in whom he has shown interest, nor will you be the last! Antinoos, his dalliances are of little threat to her. Her position is secure and Hadrian will do nothing to diminish her stature in the eyes of the people. I am sure that her curiosity lies in knowing the kind of person you are, and how you are reacting to this sudden interest. She closely follows those boys with whom the Emperor develops emotional attachments. They have a direct bearing on his moods and how he perceives everything else around him.”

I had been aware for some time that Hadrian's marital relations were less than blissful. It was common knowledge among the boys of the paedagogium because so many had been summoned to his bed. But something else was also understood. None of them lasted but for more than a few encounters. He soon lost interest. I was not the only topic of such gossip on this journey. Lucius Ceionius Commodus was a nobleman who, for years, had been a close confidant of the Emperor. He was also known as the Emperor's sometime-lover. Lucius was of high rank, educated, and filled with the kind of self-confidence peculiar to the rich, a quality admired by Hadrian. This man hardly took notice of me during the Pannonian journey, but it would not remain so.

The fact that Lucius Commodus was with the Emperor was what surprised everyone. He seldom accompanied on these journeys that Hadrian was so fond of taking; many on a moment’s notice. Lucius was too fond of the gaiety that Rome had to offer to tear himself away from it. But apparently this time he had been told to come. There was speculation about the reason for this command and Lucius, most of all, was curious.

Much of what I relate of those times, is clearer now. I was but a child filled with wonder and confusion and little was clear to me then! Clarity and purpose are gifts which come with time and retrospection. There were forces at work so powerful that I could do little to influence them. These powers were tuned to my being and spirit; I had little effect in changing them even if I wanted.

I stopped my work, feeling a need to confide. Filiniana seemed to know much.

“What about this Lucius. Is he not close to the Emperor? Certainly his position would be of concern to her?”

Filiniana kept her head lowered and spoke quietly.

“Lucius Commodus will be the next Emperor.”

I had heard this rumor, but never spoken so bluntly and forthright.

“You know this for sure?”

She tilted her head just enough to catch my eye and at once I understood why her words had been spoken so softly. Her eyes scanned the room and with her finger she gave me the sign to silence. Although no other was in sight, we were not alone. There were hidden ears everywhere. To speak as we were doing could easily have been considered a serious error of judgment.

“I read the leaves in this cup. They tell the truth.”

“What, you are a seer?” Knowing well that she practiced the art of fortune telling by a number of ways. One of them was reading leaves left in teapots.

Filiniana laughed silently and returned to her work, but not before she laid a hand on mine and patted it.

“Being naturally naive becomes you, Antinoos. But it does not fit well when feigned. You know very well about these things. I'm told you have more than a passing interest in the mysteries.”

It surprised me how much she knew about me. I had only told Critoneo and Alexamenos of my practice of foretelling and magic, something I had begun to learn from my uncle, just before being taken from Bithynia. But my skills were rudimentary. It would be under the tutelage of masters of the art which Hadrian kept close by, and of Hadrian himself, that I would improve my knowledge. From this skill, in later years, I began to see the eclipsing of my powers of youth, and other forces leading to my demise. For the present, I had to rely on the abilities of others to read beyond the shadows of mere speculation. I supposed that Critoneo had informed her, as she was to fill his position while I was away from the paedagogium.

My complexion blushed at being caught, and I looked away.

“You are even more appealing when you look as you do right now; like a child caught stealing sweets.”

“Filiniana, why do you say these things to me all
the time? You have absolutely no candor!”

“Trust is built on honest words. Secrets breed contempt. Antinoos, I have been told that there are things in your future that must be carefully coordinated. You must realize that your place, here, is not by chance. Someone who cares for you a great deal is taking pains to make sure you are groomed to fill a high position.”

“Critoneo?”

`           I knew that Critoneo placed mush faith in me and his hopes for my gradual ascension in the palace circle of pages was his major concern. He saw, in me, someone who would fulfill a long-time wish that he had sensed, of Hadrian's wistful longings for a companion in happiness. Time had finally presented him with one whom he thought might be the chosen.

To my question, Filiniana nodded affirmatively.

“He holds you in high regard. I have instructions to keep you from harm's way.”

“But where is all this leading?” I wanted some clear understanding of my destiny and felt that there were those who knew, but I was not one of them.

“Filiniana, tell me the leaves.”

She looked away for a moment. I could see by her reaction that I had asked something to which she did not want to answer.

“Please help me. Tell me something about what is to happen to me. I feel like a piece of driftwood at the mercy of the waves and tide.”

“It is not my place to do this thing.”

I was becoming frustrated by her evasiveness.

“Am I less important than Lucius, then? Why would you cast his future and refuse mine? I will hold what you say in the greatest confidence.”

Filiniana put down the utensil she had been cleaning, and moved closer. She extended her hand and waited for mine.

“We will not use leaves.”

She turned my hand over and brought it into the light of the nearby lamp, and looked closely at my palm.

“There is much to tell, here. You must promise to keep to yourself, whatever I find. Say nothing of this to anyone, especially not to Critoneo. He would have me immediately removed from service if he knew what I was doing. He wants nothing to interfere with your innocence.”

“But he's told me himself that there have been predictions about me. Only a week ago, he advised me to be cautious of my actions. Critoneo said the gods had chosen me.”

She shrugged. “Those were Hadrian's words, I am sure of it. He was repeating what he had been told. Be still now and let me do my work!”

Filiniana looked at my palm for a long time, tracing the lines and wrinkles with the tip of her fingernail. Her hands were warm and soft, and I found myself liking her touch. With her head bent in study, I could look down at her without her noticing, and I took note of the silken hair that formed a dart at the corner of her brow; how her lashes moved like butterflies as she stared intently at my hand. I sensed the blush on her cheeks and marveled at how her lips glistened in the pale light. I soon found myself lost in the beauty of her face, having forgotten the purpose of her work, and hoped the moment would not end. But, her words brought me back to the realization that something had stirred in me that was foreign. Yet it had felt exciting. A peculiar lightness somewhere in my stomach and the flutter in my chest, took me off guard, and when I found that she was looking at me, I blushed.

“Antinoos, what is it? You look as though you were about to run away. Are you afraid?”

Filiniana continued holding my hand, which, by now, felt as though it were on fire. The heat of the room had become oppressive. Sweat beaded on my brow.

“Are you well? What is it, Antinoos?”

Confusion made my head reel. Shortness of breath made me want to escape. I felt foolish, unable to move, like something inanimate; a bumpkin with no sane thought in his head faced with the need to react but not knowing what to do. There was a trace of a smile on Filiniana's lips, as though she knew something I did not.

“Shall I tell you what I see in your hand?”

Her words and eyes were directed to our hands, now enfolded, and the sensation of her flesh against mine made me long for her. I yearned for her to hold more of me. I wanted to touch her with my lips. I was aroused and knew that it was visible.

“Yes", my mouth spoke the words but they were not the ones in my mind.”

She was about to speak, but we were interrupted. A guard entered and stood above us, staring at me.

“Are you the Bithynian called Antinoos?”

“I am he.” My heart pounded with an anxiety of not knowing the reason I was being sought.

“Follow me,” he commanded, reaching within his cloak and displaying the broach I had been given as a pass to the Emperor's quarters.

“Gather your things, I will wait outside. Be quick about it, boy!”

The guard left us alone and as I searched for my cloak, I felt myself stumble over whatever was in front of me, almost as though things purposely put themselves in my path. It was Filiniana who finally came to my aid.

“Here,” she said, handing me the cloak and my sandals. “You are going to one of the forces in your dream; one that will cleave you in two.”

Her words were so sinister that I felt compelled to question her more, but she pushed me out the door.

“Much is yet unfinished, Antinoos. We will have our time. For now, you must not keep your Emperor waiting. This hand shows such deep emotional involvement that it is difficult for me to understand. I will need more time.”

I stood in the cold night air, pulling my cloak about my shoulders and followed the man as we wove our way about the encampment. Various sounds came from the tents we passed. Laughter and talk was mingled with the sound of fighting and argument. From some came the sound of snoring and from others, the sound of sexual passion. I was glad that my embarrassment was hidden by the darkness.

“Something you'll be doing soon enough,” the guard said, tossing the words back to me in a suggestive tone. “I can see why he finds you so appealing. I wouldn't mind having my way with you, lad. Come, give us a little before the Emperor takes his due..., little enough that it will not be missed.”

As he turned to make a move toward me, I darted past him and left him in the darkness. I found my own way to Hadrian.

Chapter Ten

Alliance

The mountains were of shadows and the glades were thick with moss, their silence filled the spirit with imaginings of creatures not of this world, resounding with their music and dance. There were enchanted places that I took every opportunity to find whenever we stopped for a rest or hunt. Sometimes we traveled through territory inhabited by the most deprived peoples who obviously had just enough to sustain themselves. To require subsistence from the people as we did throughout the territories we traveled would have truly been an injustice. Hadrian, always aware of the needs of his subjects, would call a hunt that would put food on our tables and he always left some supplies taken from our own stores, behind.

Women and others of the party, who did not hunt, went into the countryside to gather berries and other foodstuffs. The Emperor and his officers would often return with boar, deer, and fowl. Once, they arrived in camp with that great, woolly animal which I have seen with my own eyes walking on hind legs, standing as tall as three men. The bear was a prized pelt. The Emperor had several.

Once having crossed the high places which ran from the German Alps south to the sea, we came to the plains of Illyricum. We shed our woolens. The sun was again abundant as there were fewer mountains to hide it. We traveled northwest across many streams which fed fertile valleys, and these were rich and productive. Our destination was the outpost of Siscia on the River Savus.

So much of the country reminded me of my own land of Bithynia where the hills were green with pine and various conifers, and the air smelled of the ocean far in the distance. Moments during the day would be filled with thoughts of my mother and father. My heart yearned to see them again. I was saddened by the realization that we seldom appreciate the warmth and love of those who give it freely, until it is no longer.

Melancholy filled my days, as the days were but of meaningless chores and I ached for something more. My mood fed itself and it became deeper still. I ate little, and whenever possible, went off by myself to those quiet places in the countryside. An edge of anguish stirred resentment in me that was directed at Hadrian for making me feel so loved and attended to when I was with him, that the absence of that attention made me lonely and anxious.

He would send for me at odd times when I did not expect it, and because there was no plan to our meetings, I constantly waited his bidding and was constantly disappointed.

Since the time that Filiniana had looked at my hand, I avoided the still-unanswered question of my destiny. I recalled the sensations that night. The feelings had confused me. For as much as I avoided contact with her, I found myself ever-running into her. Sometimes I felt myself being powered by forces beyond my control. She said little. Her smile was constant. Mine was edged with embarrassment each time she caught me looking at her.

One afternoon several weeks into the journey, Filiniana and I were instructed to set out for salmon from a nearby stream. Augusta had a particular taste for the fish, and it was told to me that they were not difficult to catch, as they jumped almost willingly into the baskets.

The narrows where the fish were most easily caught was located far down a steep bank where rough water made the air sound like thunder, and we could hardly hear ourselves speak. The stream raged through this channel as it fell from above, and the white water caused by the cascade made communication impossible. We spoke with our hands as we climbed precipitously over rocks slick with algae and weeds, skipping from boulder to boulder across the torrent. A fine mist was everywhere and we were soaked to the skin. Our clothing became transparent, and offered little warmth. We were all but naked!

From afar I had seen the forms of these fish jumping high in the air as they attempted the steeply graded stream, and their effort was impeded by the force of the water flowing in the opposite direction. It seemed such a monumental task, that I was struck with awe and respect at the fortitude required to make the climb to the more placid waters where they could spawn without fear.

Within a half hour's time we had obtained three baskets of fish, and tired of the effort. The baskets were heavy and it took some time to carry them back across the rocks and up the bank. Once done, we were both exhausted and chose a patch of ground nearby, exposed to the sunlight and there, laid to rest. We spoke little, trying to catch our breath. My body was covered with sweat. Filiniana glistened with moisture. Without a word, she stood and removed her tunic, exposing herself from the waist up. I sat riveted, unable to believe she had done it. Filiniana faced the wind and let it pass over her, her hair fanned by it. I could not avoid looking at her breasts, the first I had seen other than my mother's. But what child remembers nursing? Filiniana's breasts were small and the nipples, large and dark; firm and slightly turned upward.

She turned to me and held out her hand. I came. She unfastened the cincture to my chiton and I let it fall. My body was covered with goose-flesh and this, in turn, excited me further so that suddenly, my penis stood pathetically obvious beneath my undergarment. She said nothing and continued holding my hand. We stood for what seemed like forever, saying nothing and having no need to break the silence. I soon became comfortable and lost my shyness altogether.

I moved on impulse and led her to a patch of ground pillowed by needles from the nearby trees; aware of my anxiety at not knowing what it was that I was supposed to do. I imagined myself with Alexamenos but that thought became more of an intrusion than a help. Filiniana sensed my confusion and took the lead, slowly removing the last of my clothing. Following her example, I found myself in strange territory; touching unfamiliar parts and feeling alien urges.

It is difficult to define the difference and although my passion for her was as forceful as those I had felt in the past for boys and men, something about the quality of it left me feeling with a marked separation from my emotions. Filiniana played my body like an instrument and I responded with enthusiasm. We filled ourselves to the brim like drinking cups of wine, each measure heightening an understanding of some hidden place within my soul that I had not known before. Suddenly I became self-conscious of my immaturity when I compared myself to her. Ten years my senior, she had hair where I did not. I felt like a child beside her, and in fact this was what I was.

My body, still fleshy with the fat of childhood, had not yet reached the stage where a boy begins loosing flesh to muscle. There were only slight signals of that coming-of-age, and those were barely noticeable. My privates were not as small as those I had seen on boys my age. In fact I stood out among them. But I was still hairless. My chest was broad and at this time, I had breasts of my own. This would change as I matured and when I became an athlete, but for as long as I remained an ephebe my somewhat feminine lines were a bane to me. I would come to realize that these were the attributes that had first attracted the Emperor. He liked the young look; the soft and voluptuous body. For as long as I had that my position would be secure. When I began to lose my youthful look, destiny ordered a different path. But that is yet to come!

The gentle girl beside me was an open flower that had invited me with her beauty the way a rose invites the bee with color to come into her and taste her nectar. At the moment when our excitement reached a mutual peak I felt, like no other time, what it was like to be a man. It would be in the coming years that I would realize being a man only remotely relies on the role a man plays in the act of sex.

Filiniana became an addiction! I would seek her out everywhere, and find any pretext to follow her so that we could love together. And when her ardor and passion did not compare with mine, I sulked and accused her of not caring. She would charge me with such longing that it seemed my loins would never cease to ache. I thought of her constantly. This period coincided with a time when Hadrian had left the train to venture further north, where the hills rose sharply and the snow was said to remain for much of the year. The Emperor would rejoin us in Siscia.

My services to the Empress began to take on slightly different requirements as time passed. These duties brought me in closer proximity to Sabina Augusta. She took careful scrutiny of everything I did. She watched me constantly and this made me nervous. But her attention was not touched with anger. It was more the kind of interest found in someone inspecting a new-found curiosity, where careful turning and exposing of the thing reveals its true nature and all its facets. Filiniana urged me to be patient when I complained of it to her.

With each day passing Sabina became less intense, or so it seemed. Perhaps I simply adjusted to it. She assigned me to care for her two great mastiffs. These huge beasts snarled at everyone, including the boy who had been their keeper. But one morning as I was delivering a basket of fresh figs to the Empress' tent, I found the dogs lying in the shadows of a corner of the room; their heads lying on their outstretched paws. I had not been in her private quarters before and therefore had not met the dogs directly. They were said by all, to be vicious and unfriendly. As soon as I saw them, my apprehension caused me to walk carefully across the room. As I did, each followed me with their eyes, but not one made a move toward me. Only after I adjusted to the light did I see heavy leashes attached to the collars.

The Empress motioned me to set the basket down and to approach her.

“You're the Bithynian?”

“I am Antinoos, my Lady. There are several others from my country.”

“But those others are not the object of my husband's fancy. I know who you are!”

Her tone had been curt. As she spoke, she watched the dogs, then looked at me again.

“Boy, bring the bitch to me; the one with the mark on the muzzle.”

This command sounded like a death sentence. I froze to the spot and could not move. I envisioned reaching for the leash and being torn to pieces by those terrible looking creatures.

Sabina clapped her hands and ordered me again. I walked slowly toward the animals, carefully aware of the least movement toward me by either of them. They remained still. To my amazement I was able to unleash the bitch and she followed, after sniffing me carefully and licking my hand. I led her to the couch where the Empress reclined.

Sabina's face was no longer stern but now softer, and she smiled.

“Well Bithynian, you seem to have a way with them. It is strange that neither of them reacted toward you. They like you, boy.”

The bitch pulled at the short chain, wanting to go to her. Sabina nodded approval and I released it. The dog rushed to the couch and the Empress stroked the animal as she continued to speak.

“It seems that they have requested you. Could you be responsible for them?”

Without a second thought I heard myself accept her challenge, realizing I was being given a position of responsibility that had many implications. The dogs were Hadrian's favorites and he traveled with them almost everywhere, but had left them behind this time because of the excessive cold of the north country. Sabina knew the dogs would increase opportunity for more contact with the Emperor and wondered why Augusta was offering me this position if she already knew the Emperor's interest in me. Surely, it seemed, placing me closer to him was not something she would do deliberately?

“Then you will be reassigned to my immediate service. Your duties will begin today. You will be instructed by one of the guards as to what you will need to know about the animals. They are terrible and ferocious in spite of what you think. They are also, it seems, good judges of character!”

Sabina dismissed me with a wave of her hand, but not before she offered me the basket of figs and invited me to help myself to them. As I turned to leave the bitch pulled away from the Empress and came to me. I felt confused, not knowing what to do.

“Walk her,” said the Empress, smiling. “And when you return, you can walk the other. Two of them at once would be too much for you at first.”

I left elated, with the bitch pulling me along at running-pace. It was all I could do to hold on. Her great paws plowed the earth leaving furrows behind as we made our way to the road where it would be easier to walk and away from the others.

Chapter Eleven

Pannonia

The third week after our departure from Rome we reached Siscia. It had been  an outpost of the Empire, but had grown to a formidable town with a mint that supplied the region with the necessary currency to do business with its neighboring countries. The River Savus was deep and wide at other points, but narrower at the location of the town, making it a likely site for crossing, and therefore necessary to defend. The Roman fort was staffed with mostly native troops from the northern regions. The Imperial Party was lodged in a large complex built for this purpose years ago by Hadrian when he had been serving in the area.

The days took on a different routine from the ones to which I had become accustomed. I began to spend much time out of doors with the dogs. I learned to control them with techniques of command. I was taught grooming, although having learned this skill while serving in similar capacity at the Imperial Kennels in Rome. My great mastiffs had not been kept there, but at a separate kennel of their own, closer to the Emperor.

I grew fond of them and they, of me. We began to chase each other across the fields each afternoon and soon, they grew to the habit and would begin to pull at their leashes as I led them there, each with the force of horses. I came to manage handling both at once, as they became more responsive to me and obeyed much of the time. Once reaching the fields, they became their own masters. It was I who was chased by them, knocked to the ground and dragged about like a child's doll. They never hurt me but I would often come from the exercise with torn clothing, covered with dried saliva and mud.

It was on such an afternoon that I became aware of someone standing in the distance watching us as we raced across the meadows. Suddenly the mastiffs stopped, sniffed the air, and were off in the direction of the stranger. By their reaction I surmised that there was only one person for whom they would react with such enthusiasm.

Hadrian waited until they reached him, then stooped to pet them as they ran circles around him. He led them slowly my way. As he approached I became somewhat concerned about my behavior with the dogs, not knowing to what extent I should have exercised them and whether he would disapprove. The Praetorian in charge of the Emperor's kennel had not been specific, and he had not noticed the heavy running I was allowing because I always groomed them and returned them fresh.

I fell to my knees. Hadrian lifted me with his hand, smiling as he did so.

“So it is you, doing this to my dogs!”

The manner in which he made the statement confused me, as it sounded accusatory but his expression was friendly.

“Have I done something wrong, Lord?”

“On the contrary lad. You have done it well!”

With his hand on my shoulder he led the way to a shaded spot beneath a tree where we sat.

“I noticed, upon my return last night that my dogs seemed more lean and muscular. When I asked, the keeper told me of a new boy who had been assigned to them by the Empress. It surprised me that she became involved. My dogs are something with which she would not ordinarily not bother.

“So, little Bithynian, it seems that fate has again brought you to me. Seeing the way you were playing with them just now, it is obvious that you are enjoying your work.”

“I do,” I said, at a lost for the proper etiquette in this most unusual meeting. But I pressed forward, lest he think me simple. “I have been pleased with the assignment. I trust I am doing nothing to harm them?”

“It would appear that you are doing everything correctly, Antinoos. They have never looked so well. And how about you? How have you been doing in my absence?”

He looked at me coyly and by the manner of his smile, I knew there was something more to his question.

“Waiting anxiously for you to come back, Lord!”

Hadrian slapped my thigh and kicked at the muzzle of the sire that now tore at his boot for his attention and play.

“And how anxiously was that, boy?”

“Daily, I hoped to see you. Being with the dogs somehow made me feel closer to you. I know how you feel about them. It is the reason for my excitement with this assignment.”

Had I been older and more discreet, I never would have admitted my heart in so bold a manner. As it was, I simply spoke the truth and this in turn made him become more serious.

“How do you feel toward me, Antinoos? Come, speak with the same honesty.”

I looked at the ground, unable to stand his piercing eyes. They looked into the depths of me and laid me naked and at his mercy .

“As one devoted and filled with love.”

My words were almost whispers. It was the first time the mention of love had passed my lips but not the first time the emotion had been in mind. I blushed. He lifted my chin with a finger, his face now only inches from mine. His eyes spoke of gentleness and caring.

“And this love..,” he urged me on. “...what is its quality? Is it like what you feel for..., Critoneo perhaps? Is it the love you felt for the other Bithynian with whom you shared your lodgings? Is this love like the one you feel for the slave, Filiniana?”

I was struck dumb by what he knew. Perhaps the Empress had become aware of my relationship with Filiniana through some indiscretion of speech, a word uttered to some servant and related back to Augusta. I remembered that there were indeed ears and eyes everywhere. And now the Emperor himself knew. I felt guilty and repentant.

“Yes Antinoos, I know of this affair. Don't look so frightened. You think me angry?”

“Are you not?”

“Listen to me, boy. You have done nothing wrong. In fact you have done exactly what I would have done in your place. This slave Filiniana, she is beautiful and I applaud your fine taste. I also applaud you for testing the waters. At your age one should know that to sample the pleasures only means that through this, a more careful and qualitative selection and choice will be possible. You like her?”

“Yes, I do.”

“You still have not answered my question about the quality of this love you say you have for me.”

All the while we had been speaking I had been twisting my fingers in my hand and sometime biting my nails. There were two fingers which were usually bloody from this awful habit. Hadrian took my hand and looked at it. He turned it over carefully and inspected every part of it, especially the palm. I wondered if he was looking for something of the nature that Filiniana has sought in it. But then he let my hand go and pointed at the two fingers.

“If this habit of yours is still in evidence in a week, you will lose this assignment with the dogs.”

His face was serious and his brow, furrowed as he spoke to me, every word spoken with force. He was angry. I hid my hand behind me.

“No use hiding it. Habits like that are signs of the world of your emotions. They give you away. There will be no more of it, is that clear”

“Yes Lord.”

I had no doubt that I would stop, given his mandate. I hated the habit and detested myself even more for having given in to it.

“Good,” he softened. “Because if it has not stopped, I'll have the two fingers cut off!”

His stern look as he said the words slowly turned to a smile and I realized he had no such intention. But I knew he would remove me from the post with the mastiffs if I did not keep my promise.

“Well then,” he said, standing to leave. “Get on with what you were doing. I have business to attend. Would you come to me tonight?”

I was speechless with the request, never expecting his invitation so soon after his return and that it had been a request, not a command.

“I will come whenever you call, my Lord.”

“Yes, others have said the same thing Antinoos. Never make a promise when so little is in your hands. In any case I will see you this evening and be prepared to answer my question which you have successfully avoided. Until then, be well!”

Hadrian bent forward and kissed my lips. Unable to move, I relished the feeling which lifted me to high spirits. As he walked away I had to restrain the dogs until he was out of sight. Then we ran across the fields like we never ran before, my heart and soul flying high like the white clouds that sailed past, and even higher still.

In these times I began to understand the gradual movement of my importance to him, but I had no thought of grandeur. This has been overlooked by those who have passed judgment; those historians far removed from the times and circumstances. Centuries give license to speculation. I was of an age and from a region that believed in the power of the gods and destiny. It is in our power to become privy to the future by the proper use of soothsayers and incantations. It is difficult to change and influence history, but I believe it can be done.

Of my own destiny, I believed myself blessed to have come to Hadrian, lifted out of a mundane existence of some by-way of the world that is nestled and protected in its comfortable little valley, surrounded by hills that held back the flow of time. This backwater, midway between the sea and the Sangrius River kept at bay the life of Rome, and a part of me longed for that quietude.

Each day brought its own content. I tried to face each with an open mind, growing to the idea that some power had chosen me to fulfill a designated destiny. There was no need for me to question any of it, for the stars and those more knowledgeable than I had foreseen things that I could not. I accepted their opinions and these seemed to be reinforced by the Emperor, who knew from the start that my star was bound to his. In years to come we would roam the Empire and receive from mystical sources, omens which would parallel my dreams and confirm my part in his destiny.

Even at the age of fifteen I knew my years were numbered, limited by the speed and times in which I traveled. It was with this in mind that I came to Hadrian, facing the inevitable. It was also the reason for loving Filiniana. Those things which occurred in the natural process were not to be resisted. Each incidence of life has at its apex, a lesson!

I went to him. He loved me and I returned his affection with joy. His manner was gentle and his hands, soothing. The strength of his body was restrained by his concern for my age and experience. Our lovemaking consisted of caresses and kisses. His passion peaked and mine soon followed. We remained quietly in each other's arms for a very long time, without words, absorbing the sensations of contact. Then he turned on his side, propping me up with pillows, and began to ask about my childhood and family. He inquired about my three years of training at the paedagogium. Hadrian was curious about my relationship with Alexamenos.

“You have fallen in love with two, then. One a boy, the other, a woman?”

He had experienced this duality in his own life.

“I've given little thought to the difference. In my homeland these things are quite common. Love or the attraction to either sex has little significance. The only issues raised is that when a boy becomes a man, he is expected to marry and have children to carry on the family. But this does not seem to be the custom, in Rome. Men attend to boys but it is a strained behavior not looked upon favorably.”

The Emperor stood and walked naked to the basket containing a wine jar and several fresh and dried fruit. He brought these things to me as though he were the servant and I, the master. I felt extremely uncomfortable, wondering if this was something I should have thought of myself. I moved to help, but me motioned me to remain. So I sat, cushioned in splendor, watching the magnificent body of the Emperor, still stunned by it.

“There is much about the Roman ways that I disapprove. I long for the customs and attitudes of your country as well, Antinoos. Much of my youth was spent among the Greeks of Athens. They have a very different view of life.”

Hadrian spoke in a whisper as though his words and the memories they represented, would be destroyed if spoken too loud. I knew by the intensity of his mood, that there was much in his own childhood for which he yearend.

“There will be much to do in days to come, Antinoos. Do not anticipate my call. I may not have the liberty to see you when I want. Be patient and do your job well. Above all, be discreet. Say nothing to anyone who seems to ply you. Avoid gossip. Be pleasing to the Empress, listen to her counsel. For as much as she hates me, she does understand her role as wife and fulfills her responsibility to it, expertly. I admire her resoluteness. And I am told that she likes you.”

I must have looked surprised. He looked at me and laughed.

“You wonder why this is? She sees you as a dalliance! She is much more impressed with your abilities and to be sure, has watched you for some time. In the palace, there are no secrets.”

He skillfully redirected me to my own narrative of Bithynia. The lateness of the evening and the wine he had given me, soon worked its spell and slumber overtook us. We slept soundly. I awakened only once to experience a wonderful feeling of being fully enfolded by him, his lips pressed against my neck as he slept.

In the morning I was escorted back to my quarters and little more was said. There seemed to be an imposed silence by those around me who had, in the past, had many curiosities about what transpired on these meetings with Hadrian. Life went on as though nothing had happened, and he did not send for me for some days. But he did have me stand by him on several occasions, at evening meals, holding the dogs as he fed them.

I began to find myself more often in his presence. And always, even when he was busy with others, he gave me a touch or kind word. It was at this time that Commodus, who had joined us after we left Rome, took to objecting to my presence.

Lucius Commodus was handsome. He had been a close associate of the Emperor and was treated more like a son. There are some who claimed it was so. His every wish and whim seemed to please the Emperor and was granted. I was not aware of the specific aspects of their relationship at the time of the Pannonia journey. I only knew that there was something between them that went beyond mere friendship. Lucius perceived me as a threat. He disdained to have me near and often slighted me whenever the Emperor was not present, and continually reminded me by his demands and orders, of my station.

It is the passing of centuries that allows me to analyze and understand that Commodus saw in me, elements which he could not find within himself. Those were the qualities the Emperor found so appealing in me and bonded our love. Commodus objected to my lack of forwardness, my sense of commitment to the Emperor, and my reluctance to befriend those of the court who, when I became more prominent, sought my attention and solicited my favors. There were those in that group who were sent by Commodus. He objected most violently to my naiveté, accusing me of feigning it.

He was a nobleman by birth. My social status was that of freeborn. My absence of high station was something he chose to point out to the Emperor every time the opportunity arose. For all that he had at his disposal, Commodus resented those few liberties with which Hadrian favored me. Once, when Hadrian instructed an officer to take me under his wing to teach me proper horsemanship, Lucius Commodus remarked that it would be better if I learned on the back of an ass as that would be more in keeping with my abilities. On that occasion Hadrian turned and spoke harshly to him and reminded him that he too, had fallen several times when he had first learned to ride, and that his fear of the animal had once caused him to soil himself. That silenced Commodus, but only temporarily!

We followed the roads across southern Pannonia. The weeks became a month, then two. From Siscia we traveled to Andautonia and then back to Siscia after hard riding to outposts and settlements which the Emperor wanted to revisit. This region had been his responsibility under Trajan's reign, and some of the places held memories.

I accompanied the party because the dogs were taken. Hadrian had called me to him two days before departure and had confided that the dogs would not be needed, but would be taken so that I could accompany. It was an affirmation that he wanted me near and I began to sense the seriousness of his attention.

The cortège was limited to a select few officers of the regions involved, and to those who would attend the Emperor. Lucius could not avoid the journey and for as much as he despised the whole affair, I loved it. The Emperor saw the contrast in our dispositions and chided Lucius several times to pick up his enthusiasm and pointed to me as an example to follow. I disliked his reprimand of Lucius, as it put me in even more opposition to the difficult man.

Also present was an army of civil servants who never seemed to eat or sleep, but moved about with tablets and records, letters and official documents and seals. These were the necessary tools for the business of court. The empire did not rest because its Emperor was
away from Rome. Daily communication was maintained with the Imperial City.

Back to Siscia, we took on the remainder of the Imperial Party and continued the journey, moving southeast to Cibalae and then on to Sirium and Tarunum. Finally, at the juncture of Savus and Danube rivers we based at Singidunum, where the Legion III Flavia controlled the confluence of the two waterways. There we remained for another week as Hadrian conferred with architects and builders of an aqueduct which would provide plentiful water to the growing settlement. He also ordered plans for a temple to Mitras, God of light and manly valor. This deity was a favorite of the army and its cult initiations tended to bind men and give them added strength, while serving in the regions where loneliness and long hours of duty were required. It was while there that I was initiated into the lower grade of the six levels. My designation was that of soldier, with the ascending order of gryphon, lion, raven, sun-worshiper, and father. It was the first of numerous mysteries we would experience together. The most deeply moving of these, I would take at Eleusis, in Greece.

Our course took us southwest along the tributaries of the Danube, into the northern regions of Moesia and then due-west through mountainous country and eventually, to the plains of western Dalmatia and the Adriatic. Barges were waiting at Risinium. The boarding of the entire party took two days, then we had to wait for the tides to be right for sailing. Hadrian spent much of his time conferring with officials of the town and was therefore too busy to attend meals. Sabina Augusta organized a celebration in honor of some local deity and entertained the wives of several dignitaries with whom she was acquainted. I was requested for service and once more came under the scrutiny of her. I was there not by chance! We did not speak but her eyes communicated, and I understood that I was still in her good graces.

Having been gone three months, we returned to Italia. To my surprise it was like coming home! I looked forward to seeing Critoneo and my friends. I was highly anxious to see Alexamenos and hold him again. The memory of Alexamenos being close and against me was ever present and sometimes I dreamed about him, waking with fear that he had been an illusion and not real flesh and blood. This expected reunion was tainted by an apprehension I could not understand. There was a sense of foreboding. Much had happened in our absence that I was anxious to relate to him.

Chapter Twelve

Campágna, Spring - Summer 127 A.D.

Rome!

Never has there been another city with which to compare it.  Although other cities reached greatness and splendor, such as Antioch and Alexandria, even Athens when at its height, Rome stands alone. It was a monumental world power. The essence of its vitality was exemplified by its marble overlay.  The city's true materials of wood, stone, bricks, and mortar lay beneath the marble, gleaming sheets of white and rose stone that gave Rome its appearance of elegance and splendor.

I do not remember a time when new structures were not being built, and the streets were not humming with life. Days were filled with the sounds of the stoneworker's hammer and the nights, with the clatter of wagons supplying the materials needed; and of those hauling in  the produce, dry-goods, textiles; everything required by a city. Because of the daily throngs in the streets, it had been long ago outlawed for wheeled vehicles to be found within the city limits at any other times than those specified during late night hours. Only the fire brigades and ambulances were permitted.

The city grew as the population increased, so too the buildings to house them. The insulas of the section of Rome known as the subura were notorious for their continuous fires caused by the kinds of materials used. Although the lower levels of buildings were of stone, the upper stories were usually made of wood, the material being lighter and allowing for increased height without causing collapse. Wood meant that they were more prone to fires started by hearths and lamps. Hardly a day or night passed without the sound of alarm and the sight of flames or smoke rising above the city's skyline; another domus aflame, making way for its replacement. It became necessary to pass legislation regulating the materials and dimensions of buildings, as unscrupulous owners and contractors were prone to use stuff of lesser quality to increase profit at the cost of human life.

Not all building was private. Much of it was under public finance such as roads, temples, shrines, sewers, aqueducts, parks, and fountains which were seen everywhere. This building boom reshaped the city's profile and extended its intricate layout of streets. This activity aided and abetted the vitality of Rome and required armies of workers, engineers, architects, and all manner of trades necessary to maintain such projects.

Upon our arrival from the journey to the northern and eastern regions, we were greeted with the last pleasant breezes of late Spring before the intolerable heat of summer set in. I recalled the heat of the previous summer and detested the thought of spending another one in the heart of Rome. But this time, I was to occupy a room at the Imperial Complex on the Palatine. My status was dramatically changed from that of a page at the paedagogium, to having an assigned position at the Imperial Court.

This promotion did not bring me the pleasure I had expected, having returned to changes affecting more than my location and status. Upon my arrival to the paedagogium, Critoneo told me to collect my things. This turned the excitement of my good fortune into something just the opposite. He met me in the courtyard and signaled for me to wait while he concluded some business. I could see by the look on his face that there was something amiss. My imagination assumed all kinds of tragedies and one of them was that Alexamenos had been hurt. My anxiety rose as I waited. Finally, he motioned me to approach.

We exchanged pleasantries and then Critoneo informed me that Alexamenos was no longer in residence. He had been sent to Spain in the company of an officer assigned duty there. They had met at the palaestra and something of an affair had occurred between them shortly after I had left. At his return to duty, the officer had requested Alexamenos accompany him and he agreed. Critoneo said it was good fortune for Alexamenos and something at which he would excel, as he had not been well suited to civil service. I had to admit this was true.

But the knowledge that there was little likelihood we would see each other again, put me in a foul mood. I pined for weeks. Having returned to quarters on the Palatine, and even though they were more grand and I was better situated all around, I still could not lift myself from depression. In our absence I had thought of Alexamenos and of how good it would be to return to him. I felt the loss!

I sought comfort in Filiniana, who understood my sorrow and seemed not to mind being to soften my pain. The intense passion of our first days had tempered into an understanding, and we each sensed within the other, the time when loving would be best. She came to know my limited capacities. More often than not, we held each other and little else occurred. The relationship became one in which two friends occasionally sought sexual fulfillment.

With her help I muddled through the hurtful weeks until ache turned into memories of someone once loved. Like a new bloom cherished for its beauty and remembered in spite of its eventual demise, I held to the memory of his deeds, words, all of who and what he was. He was a part of me and I could have him without loss. I know that Alexamenos, like Filiniana, crossed my path because it could not have happened any other way. There is use in joy and pain!

Activity at court increased because of two events having great significance. Before we had departed for the journey the Emperor had accorded Sabina the title of Augusta. This had the effect of solidifying the image of felicity between them. It was imperative that concord exist, and something had been needed to turn public opinion in his favor. Hadrian had been neglecting her, they said, and the masses were criticizing him because he seemed less a husband than they would have liked. He was seen in the company of  Commodus, often at his elbow where Sabina should have been.

The celebration of this honor was delayed until after the northern journey. It was his way of making the event less than what it could have been. She shared the times and excitement with a monument! After many years of lying unfinished, Hadrian completed the temple begun by Marcus Agrippa in Augustus' reign. It was a huge structure with a magnificent dome which was open at its apex to let in the sky and the sun's light. This Pantheon held statues of the major gods, and its

Purpose was for the solidification of worship. He never ceased in trying to unify the many factions and dogmas of the vast empire.

The celebrations were cause for two days of ritual and I followed events on the fringe, having been enlisted to run dispatch of the many communications exchanged between the Emperor's aids and those carrying out the actual final preparations at the site. The wondrous structure was of Hadrian's design and one not favored by Appolodorus, the court architect. Hadrian ignored the man's reservations and ultimately proved his ability by the fact that it still exists today, having survived the centuries, admired for its uniqueness.

It was by Hadrian's command that I was given these duties. It was his way of bringing me into closer proximity and of giving me more responsibility.

Sabina's honors were not to compare with the importance of the Pantheon's. Its objective was to symbolize unification of spirituality. And she, in a mood that struck out at anyone near, railed about the palace, her voice could be heard above the din of the forum, cutting the air with a sharpness that must have been painful for Filiniana. Augusta became a shrew, something not fitting to the image of the Empress! We were each suffering our separate afflictions and so Filiniana and I nursed each other through the difficult days of my loneliness for Alexamenos and her mental and sometimes physical abuse as a result of her close proximity to the tempest.

The storm clouds passed and the state of officiating of the building succeeded in making Hadrian most cordial, after many days of continuous occupation. As soon as he found a few moments to rest, he sent for me under the guise of accompanying him and the dogs, for a brief interlude in the countryside.

Following the Via Appia out of the city's limits, we were soon in the campania, where lush villas dotted the countryside. It was the same road I had traveled from Ostia when I had first arrived. Being less struck with awe, I was now able to more fully appreciate the sights. All along its course, Via Appia was lined with monuments and tombs on each side. Remnants of this splendid spectacle can still be seen. Small and large, these monuments were built according to the wealth and position of those whose names are inscribed upon them. They were so dense in some places that they obliterated the scenery and acted as a continuous wall that steered the flow of traffic. Here and there, fountains and grand gardens in which mausoleums stood large enough to hold ten men standing atop the other, marked the road like mileposts. At a number of junctions, hawkers had erected stands that dispensed various viands, vegetables, and a multitude of other necessities one might find wanting in voyage.

Via Appia traced the undulating hills and in some places, followed long stretches of straight-way where on each side of the road planted fields stretched to the horizon and vineyards covered hillsides.  There were few in our party. It was evident by the presence of the Praetorian Guards that the Emperor was in attendance.

Passengers on the road cleaved a path as we came near. Some fell to their knees in homage. Prepared, Hadrian reached for his purse and dispensed coins to those of obvious poverty and to some who were infirmed and aged. Once, he stopped the caravan when he saw an unkempt woman with an infant at her breast, moving through the crowd, begging food. Leaping from Borysthenes, he spoke to her for some while, taking the child in his arms and cooing it. The woman, awe-struck, lost her tongue to speak. Finally Hadrian instructed one of his aides to accompany her back to the city and see that she was provided with food and a proper lodging, and given enough money to last her a year.

After an hour of riding we reached a lane that branched to the right and led to the estate of Salvus Julianus, a jurist who Hadrian used as counsel and in whom he had great trust. Another half hour brought us to the villa, a lovely place nestled in the foothills with streams, forests, vineyards, and wild and domestic animals that ranged freely throughout. The dwelling looked modest. The interior belied an unpretentious exterior, with room after room of beautiful mosaic floors and walls, rivaling the Palatine in splendor and beauty. One could see much thought had gone into its plan. Hadrian had had much to do with the design, and from this wonderful villa he incorporated plans and ideas for his own villa at Tivoli some miles east of Rome. They both had the same love of the East and incorporated similar motifs.

This brief time in the country remains in my mind, the quintessence of ideal togetherness. For it was at this time and in this place that the genius of our love merged and bonded. For four days we were unencumbered by the usual bevy of minor dignitaries constantly seeking his attention. He had given full responsibility of governing to his aids and had instructed everyone that short of a catastrophe, he was not to be disturbed. Julianus, sensitive to Hadrian's welfare, knew he needed rest and would find pleasure in a hunt.

We approached the villa in the evening dusk, emerging from a wooded area into a little valley ringed by low-lying hills. The last rays of sunlight touched the tops of three columns of a little temple dedicated to Dionysos, in the distance. This beautiful chapel sat atop a hill marked by two stately cypress. The setting so caught my fancy, that I immediately fell in love with the site and returned to it many times. Whenever Hadrian could not find me, he would seek me there. He duplicated this place at Villa Hadriana, but I did not have the same feeling for it.

Salvus Julianus grew as fond of me as I, of him. He was of assistance when times became difficult, near my end. Love and respect existed between us that many tried to erode, but could not. I think there were times when Hadrian felt jealousy, yet he understood the nature of the relationship. It was not a threat. Hadrian could not abide with the thought of not receiving all my time and attention. His jealousy was limited to the time we were together, and these were to grow more frequent as our relationship expanded and grew deeper. But in the beginning I was much on my own to do with my time as I pleased, as long as the dogs received good care.

It was Salvus who cautioned me about the intrigues of court, in the early days when I knew nothing of such things and believed that anyone's friendly word was a genuine reaching out for friendship, and not due to ulterior motives. Dear Salvus gradually replaced Critoneo as my confidant, as my position changed. Critoneo had done his part and we parted friends, often seeing each other and reminiscing of the fond memories and the frightful early days of the paedagogium. Hadrian trusted Salvus. This in itself was a great honor as few met the test for his trust.

`           For those in whom he confided, Hadrian demanded the strictest of loyalty. The Emperor, unlike others before him, held the power of the Empire solely in his hands. History had shown him the foolhardiness of letting prefects, representatives, advisors, and a host of other court flotsam gain control of the state while the purple was exchanged for rose and lavender or other festive or ribald decoratives. The reign of Hadrian was truly his own until almost the end of his life. Only when he grew tired of living and immersed himself in memories at his villa, did he relinquish the helm.

Salvus' villa became a retreat for which we each yearned, in the intervening weeks in Rome, or away on journeys throughout the East and North. Like no other place, Villa Pacé soothed our souls and cemented our union more solidly. Salvus' purpose had been to create a haven of tranquility, and he had succeeded.

After we arrived, I proceeded to unpack my few belongings and arranged them in the little room to which I had been assigned. Although this place had a shelf for sleeping, I could see by its sparseness that the Emperor did not intend for it to be anything more than a room to keep my things.

The Emperor was quartered in a wing that had been built by Salvus expressly for that purpose, yet it too was sparse. The splendor of  Villa Pacé was defined by its simplicity of furnishings and cleanliness of lines. Little shrines set into the walls contained statues of some of Hadrian's favorite gods and other replicas of pieces he had seen in Greece. A large mosaic set into the floor of his bed chamber, depicted the celebration of the Saturnalia, an ancient Roman festival honoring Saturn, god of harvest. Saturnalia was cause for feasting and the exchange of gifts. The custom and remnant of the celebration still exists in the form of a holy day observed by Christians of your own age. But in my time, the holiday often took orgiastic overtones and sexual excesses was the theme; fecundity celebrated the fertility of the land. The mosaic was resplendent with scenes of fornicating satyrs sporting erect penises, accosting lads who appeared to be equally engaged. It served us well!

At meals, I took my place discreetly to one side of the hall, at one of the couches some distance from the ones used by the Emperor and those close to him. It was not yet my time to be by his side. But there was no doubt to any, that my function was not that of servant, but that of guest. I had expected to be asked, as one of the several in service, to function as attendant.  The seating was arranged in order of prominence. There were few at the function who I knew. They began to arrive after sunset. Some were from nearby villas and others had come from the city and would be quartered for the night. Much of what was said was beyond my comprehension or interest.

I kept myself as inconspicuous as possible, eating little because much of what was served was strange to my palate, and I had no inclination to the stuff. The menu will be understood if the reader is familiar with Trimalchio's Banquet in Petronius' Satyricon. Although so many things looked splendid and well done, eating little field mice was something repulsive to me no matter how well they might be dressed! My tastes were simple and did not run to the rich and elegant foods that were part of Salvus' fare. Hadrian was more at home with a meal served to the troops than the ones served to the elite of Rome. My manner apparently matched my provincial tastes.

Chapter Thirteen

In His Shadow

The evening progressed well, all having been carefully planned by Salvus. I, slowly becoming touched by the wine, took heed not to imbibe too much. The excellent vintage needed little water. Salvus never lowered the quality of his wine as the night wore on and as his guests' palates became less discriminating, especially in the company of the Emperor.

Salvus sat his favorite and lover, Gracchus, at my side. The boy was the son of a free-man who supervised the estate, and was older than I by two years. Tall and lean with deep, piercing eyes and a smile that immediately captivated me, he appeared quite comfortable in these surroundings, apparently having partaken of such festivities many times. I, was unaccustomed to it.

Gracchus liked me. He probed me with questions about myself, and as the wine took effect I opened to him and the most friendly atmosphere prevailed. We laughed together. I was aware of Hadrian's attention and could see he was happy that I had found a friend. Gracchus was learned but unaffected, not possessing those pretensions so often seen in boys of well-to-do families of the Roman aristocracy. These, filled to the brim with alleged knowledge that in actuality, has very little to do with problems and solutions in the real world.

In the center of this joyous and convivial evening, Lucius Commodus arrived unannounced. It was a breach of etiquette that remained unnoticed because of Commodus' friendship with the Emperor. He was received with a hearty welcome as he joined the Emperor at his couch.. It was the first time that I became aware of the degree of anxiety he caused in me. I realized, as I watched transfixed, that my hands were wet and my heart was pounding. Commodus' eyes slowly scanned the room as he involved himself in animated conversation. By the manner of his speech and the luster in his eyes, he had imbibed in his own share of wine on his way.

“What is it, Antinoos?”

Gracchus had noticed my sudden pallor.

“Too much of the grape and not enough food, I think.”

“But you've hardly drunk at all,” he said, looking to where my eyes were fixed.

I tried not letting him know of my feelings of fear and dislike for Commodus. Gracchus would have thought me a weakling and our friendship would have been off to a poor start.

“Is it Commodus?”

“It is nothing,” I said, shifting position to face away from the scene.

Gracchus leaned closer. “It is Commodus, isn't it! You dislike him?”

“He dislikes me!”

I had just spoken like a spoiled child and hated myself for the response.

“And has he good reason?”

Gracchus was beginning to irritate me. I wanted him to stop asking questions. But something about the manner that he asked and the gentle look in his eyes, told me he was only trying to be helpful. I softened.

“I have given him none...” I snapped back, returning my eyes to where Commodus was still lying, feeling righteous in my resentment. Gracchus watched him also.

“It appears the wolf fears the lamb,” he remarked. His gaze shifted from the royal couch where Hadrian was fondly touching Lucius on the arm as he was immersed in conversation, then back to me. I had noticed that all the while, Lucius Commodus had kept an eye on me as well, and it inflamed my resentment. I began to feel that all eyes in the room were directed on me, and could bear the scrutiny no longer. Without a word, I left the room. Gracchus followed. He caught up with me in the courtyard and took my arm.

“Antinoos, you act poorly!”

I shrugged him off, not caring if I shunned him. I wanted to be left alone and disliked the sudden shift of mood. I was at a loss for what to do. What was all this to Gracchus? Why was he so concerned? Remaining silent I walked away.

“You'll solve nothing by avoidance, you know!” Gracchus called me back.

“You give the wolf his meal by doing so.”

I looked up to the heavens. Stars filled the sky from horizon to horizon and I felt insignificant in the vastness. The moon, in its last quarter, had passed behind a cloud and the courtyard was bathed in shadow. The darkness matched that in my heart. The sound of wind in the branches of a nearby cypress, and Gracchus' presence pierced my sullenness with the realization that like the trees, I could bend to the forces without being uprooted. From the hills behind us I heard a wolf's cry and understood the loneliness of its call. Like me, we were each, creatures yearning contact.

Gracchus' comment was suddenly made clear. I understood how Lucius might fear me, and resolved to put aside my meekness and make it clear that I meant him no more than the courtesy his station commanded. I had a right to the same. He would intimidate me no longer!

“Come, Gracchus,” I said as I took his arm. “The lamb is not yet ready for slaughter!”

Gracchus patted my shoulder and we returned, arm in arm, to the banquet hall. Hadrian's eyes were upon me as I entered. I smiled to him as we took our places. He nodded his approval and smiled back. By his action I understood that he had surmised the situation and had waited in expectation for my return. I sensed that I had just passed some kind of test.

Commodus called my name, his speech slurred from continued drinking. The tone was threatening.

“Boy, has the grape made you so ill that you need to empty your stomach in Salvus' garden? Perhaps this wine is too refined? You look pale, lad.”

I stood my ground and collected myself to sound less frightened than I felt.

“My speech, sir, is unaffected!”

Gracchus nudged my side. I could not tell if he was warning me to be silent or applauding my courage.

“And what are you implying, page?”

Commodus had turned fully toward me and his face was flushed.

“Only that my speech is unaffected, sir. My temperament and disposition are favorable and I find the wine of a quality quite beyond that of my home-land.”

Knowing his intent to degrade my social standing, I thought it best to acknowledge my rustic background and thereby reduce the tension of his confrontation.

“Thank you for your concern, sir. I will take note of my measures as not to consume too much and make myself a spectacle.”

These were insults only if Commodus chose to make them so. Hadrian was observing us with interest. I could see by the glint in his eyes that he was enjoying the exchange. I stood and bowed.

“By your leave Lord? My lungs need air and my brain tells me it is time for boys to part company and let men get on with the conversations of men.”

By this time I could see the bulging veins in Lucius' neck and temples. His fists were clenched. I feared I had gone too far. But like a drug, my boldness had propelled me. I knew it was time to depart before I lost my footing in the dance, and fell on my face.

Hadrian raised his hand and gave me leave without a word, but I did not miss the wink of his eye and his slight smile as he returned his attention to those around him. Commodus, left speechless, sat as if stunned. He had been stung!

I left alone. Gracchus remained. By not following me, he told me I had done well and had no need of his support. Passing through the courtyard, to my room, I remembered the hill-top shrine I had seen was warmed by the wine and ventured forth without cloak, following a path that led through a wooded area. It took me pass several sentries who demanded my identity. My name was known and progress unimpeded. Emerging from the woods, I saw the outline of Doric columns in the distance. The climb to the hill top was gradual, following steps hewed into the rocky ledge. Moonlight against the stone shrine gave the place a most serene and somber ambiance.

Something of my youth spent on the hillsides of my native Claudiopolis ignited a wave of nostalgia, remembering long nights such as this, when I had studied the stars. Often, I had accompanied my uncle. The multitude pinpoints of light, all of them spirits of the souls who had crossed to the nether world, gave evidence of a life beyond death. Their presence spoke of a great adventure that transcended flesh and blood and the many empty spaces in between were for those souls yet to come.

I wondered where in that immense vastness would my own soul reside? In which constellation would I leave my mark? Some time must have passed lost in these reveries. I eventually became aware that I was not alone. The stars had shifted positions and the moon was below the line of trees to the east. I saw the Emperor sitting quietly at the top of the stone steps. Filled with anxiety for not having noticed his presence or how long he had been waiting, I fell to my knees.

“Will you stop this dropping to your knees each time you see me!” He smiled, rose, and walked toward me. “It is not necessary when there is no one near. I give you permission to bypass the formality when we are alone.”

I stood silently, waiting for direction.

“Sit down, boy! Here, come sit beside me.”

Hadrian led the way to a stone bench carved into the wall of the shrine. The wine had lost its power to warm and I shivered from the cold. Feeling this, Hadrian pulled me closer to him and dropped his cloak about my shoulders.

“You are foolish to be in the night air without proper clothing. You will soon have yourself sneezing and dripping at the nose and speaking as though your head were filled with wool. I shall then have to put you in quarantine less you pass on the affliction to your Emperor. How would we look together each with running noses and red eyes, announcing our intimacy to the world!” All the while he said this he used the edge of his cloak to pantomime wiping my nose and eyes.

Hadrian had me laughing with him. I moved closer for warmth. He bent near and placed his lips against my forehead.

“My Little Bithynian, you fenced well tonight! You took on danger courageously. But do not over-estimate yourself, Antinoos. Commodus is no match for you unless he is drunk, and even then, he could wipe the floor with you. Tonight he held his tongue, if you can believe it! He was treading lightly because I was present. He will find his own time, I am sure of it.”

“Why does he dislike me so?”

I had suspicions, but looked for confirmation. Hadrian edged me away to better look into my face.

“Because you are so young.”

“If I could make myself older to have him let me be, I would do so.”

Holding my hand, he remained silent for a while.

“Do not give your youth away so easily for such a meager reason, and loose a treasure. I hope you remain forever as beautiful as you are right now!”

I looked into his eyes, eyes that could penetrate and bring fear or immediate obedience to all around him, and I saw concern and apprehension. I could not understand the reason. But then they changed, and I saw tenderness and caring.

Lifting my hand to see it in the moonlight, he nodded approvingly.

“I see I need not remove your fingers. You have stopped the biting. Excellent, Antinoos! This shows discipline and a respect for yourself.”

I thought he had forgotten his warning, thankful that I had imposed the elimination of the habit upon myself.

“Perfectly healed. You have will-power Antinoos. I commend you! In my youth I too, bit my nails and had great difficulty controlling the habit. It took me months. You have mastered it in a mere two weeks.”

I was stunned that he would have faced the same embarrassing behavior.

“You, also...?”

“Yes, and I bit them badly. There was no concoction that my mother could compound save one, to stop the nasty habit.”

“What was that?”

“She wrapped my hands in mitts soaked in urine from the stables, and just the stench kept my arms as far from my body as they could stretch.”

It was difficult to visualize the Emperor in such a state. I was thankful I had been spared the ordeal.

Hadrian returned to holding me about the waist and his other hand played with the curls on my forehead. My hair was thick and lengthily, and fell about my shoulders. I kept it banded with a leather fillet. He loosened this and let the hair fall across my face.

“The hour is late, my sweet. Come, we will say a parting prayer to the genius of this place and return to the villa.”

Silent moments followed. It was most appropriate that this deeply significant moment occurred in the sanctuary of Dionysos, god of rebirth, fertility, and drama. Although not the first meeting with Hadrian, it was the first in which a deeply felt emotion was experienced that sparked the flame of love. On this evening Hadrian began to see me as something more than a beautiful youth who gave him pleasure. It was the shrine and the god that worked the magic.

With his cloak still draped about my shoulders, we walked to his quarters. The moment was so tender and beautiful that we moved in silence, finding no need to speak. There is something in human communication that exists beyond words; moments when thoughts get exchanged between those who are emotionally connected. I remember my mother answering my questions before I could voice them, or meeting a need that I had not asked for, but had wished for in my mind. This phenomenon became less surprising as Hadrian and I grew close so that soon, we knew each other's thoughts. But in the beginning it frightened me. The experience went beyond words and dealt with much deeper senses I could not explain nor understand.

Hadrian felt the mood. By his manner and the intensity of his eyes, he showed me his caring and adoration. His person became the object of a powerful attraction and all my being focused on pleasing him. In the embraces of passion I was moved to such intense emotion that all the universe save that exact moment, was naught. My mind and soul became drunk with love; the spirit intoxicated beyond measure. And all this was not the result of his passion and sexuality, but of his tenderness and caring. And how do I explain my heart or attempt to define his? I cannot! I know only that this mortal man, so close to the gods, was able to lift me to similar heights and the rarefied atmosphere almost proved too much!

The proximity to him was like a wine, and I was unaware of how much of it I was consuming. The intoxication was not so much that I was blind to the position I was taking and his closeness at this time, crystallized the acuteness of my role. A voice deep within me spoke of dangers which could come as a cost of his love. History had not gone unlearned, and I was knowledgeable of those who had come before me, found in the same position of intimacy with nobility, and how they had misused their status.

I recall how, in the early hours before the first sounds of birds, I lay close to him feeling the strength of his body. I sensed the beat of his heart as my head lay cradled in his arms. I reviewed the moments since we had arrived and all the days since I had left Bithynia. I saw for the first time, the destiny to which Filiniana and Critoneo had alluded. In my still-childish years I was unprepared for the intrigues and politics of court, and the fear of what was to come made me wonder even more of the fate held in the power of the stars.

In the warmth of his bed, I felt the majesty of his presence and understood the intoxication inherent in being in the company of one so powerful. But like the sun that scorches those who bathe in excess of its brilliance, I knew the precariousness of my position and determined not to place myself too near; to keep a certain distance that would keep me close enough, but in his shadow!

Chapter Fourteen

Of Things Remembered, And Things To Be

Without the pressing needs of court, we slept well ‘til mid-day. The ardor of our lovemaking was not reduced by physical satisfaction, but intensified by it. It was in his arms and by his side that the quality of my feelings were most significant and would remain so. On this morning, his affection and enthusiasm for my presence was an exhilaration. Being needed and loved; each time I was with him, were like pearls of a necklace; each obtained with joy and each adding to the richness of the whole and to my fortune. I found myself preoccupied with how I might please him; making his moments with me little excursions from the intensity of his role as Emperor. But I also followed his lead and invested effort to better my station by expanding and ever-seeking new ways of being of service.

After satisfying our hunger and thirst with fruit and spring water, we went to the baths and allowed ourselves to sweat the excesses of the previous evening. Salvus had planned the baths carefully. The lavish and ornate decor did not overwhelm, but gave a sense of pleasure. We bathed in heated waters. Oils and unguents were used, the cost of which I could not have guessed! I took the opportunity of the moment to enjoy it thoroughly. Unlike the baths of Rome, these were exclusive to the occupants of the villa, much less noisy and just as splendid as those wonderful places in the city into which Emperors of the past had invested millions of sesterces to placate and keep the public favor.

Salvus had built everything needed but the colonnades usually surrounding those public baths, and under which shops and vendors sold their wares. Here, no such distractions diminished the beauty. The thermae of the city were beehives of activity. This little oasis of peace was soothing. He had taken care in its construction and the tepidarium was warmed by some kind of system of hot air beneath the floor. The frigidarium walls and floors were faced with mosaics of the sea and its creatures. It held a large ceramic pool filled with cold water that I chose to by-pass in favor of the warmth of the caldarium. There, we sat for some time and immersed in hot water, we talked of things to come.

I was in the company of the Emperor, yet he made little of this, not imposing his stature but instead, denying the assistance of slaves and dismissing them. We were left alone.

“Tell me how you feel this morning, Antinoos?”

“Very happy, Lord.”

In spite of our closeness and intimacy I felt reluctant to engage in depth, and restricted myself to brief responses.

“And what is the nature of this happiness? Do you miss your friends?”

“I have few, Sire.”

“Yes, I know.”

Hadrian looked at me as he rubbed himself with a sponge. I reached and took it, continuing the process on his back and shoulders.

“You seem to have little to do with your peers.”

I realized that he was keeping informed of my actions and interests.

“There were boys with whom I studied, in Claudiopolis. They were my friends. And there was Alexamenos. I love him.”

“Do you reproach me for taking you away?”

Had my words sounded like resentment? In truth there was some sorrow of their loss.

“I am where I must be, Lord. I believe I can be as blissful as I feel right now without lacking the sadness for memories of past friendships.”

I was scrubbing his back. Hadrian took my arm and stopped me. Facing me, he put both hands on each side of my face and raised my eyes to his.

“Is that what you are feeling, Antinoos? Bliss is so momentary! Would you be happier if you were back with your family?”

It was not an idle question. I realized that one word from me would be enough for him to have me returned to Bithynia, and it would be done without anger.

“My course has been set, Lord. I am where the fates intend. It is not by chance that I receive your love and attention. My hope is that I am worthy of it, and I please you.”

A long silence followed, like the one of our first meeting in the garden. Hadrian's gaze bore into me so deeply that I felt he perceived something beyond my understanding. I felt laid naked, my soul and spirit pared to the bone, as his eyes took me into himself so that I had the sensation of being engulfed by him.

“Easy child! You've turned pale. Do I frighten you so much?”

He lifted me and carried me to a bench where he swaddled me in a large towel. I sat, dazed, numbed by the presence of this powerful, naked man who now cared for me as a slave would care for his master. My eyes fixed on two long scars that crossed his lower abdomen and passed through the hairs of his pubes, down to the upper part of his thigh. They were faded scars of some age. In the ardor of my loving him I had not noticed them before, and wondered how I had missed them. With a finger I traced one its entire length. My touch brought an instant reaction. I bent near and placed my lips on the scarred tissue.

“You see the result of an encounter with a mountain cat when I was a youth. I foolishly hunted him alone to prove my bravery and almost gave up my life for it.”

“How old were you?”

“Younger than you by two years. It was my beginning of keeping tight reigns on my impulses.”

With my lips I pressed harder against the wounds.

“How wonderful you are,” he whispered, enjoying my touch. “How beautiful you are, Antinoos! Your body is so perfect and unmarred. In truth I have never seen a youth so filled with beauty and yet so unmindful of it. What fate has brought you to me?”

Hadrian took his place beside me once more, and we sat, holding hands; I in my towel and he, still naked. In profile, his face seemed stone-like. In times to come I would see him like this from the side, and the blankness of his expression would make me wonder where his thoughts roamed.

Even as he spoke I felt relief in some remote part of me that had questioned whether the exhilaration I was feeling was of my own creation. Would I become something more than one of the many youths whose blossoming charms held such great attraction for him?

Out of the distance of time, I recalled words from a moment many years before, when as a child of four or five, I had been in the company of my grandfather. I had strayed into his study one evening, attracted to the room filled with strange machines and celestial charts, to which he never allowed anyone entrance. But this night, he beckoned.

Grandfather, a severe man who never had a kind word and who I feared, took me in his arms this night and held me for some time. He informed me that my life would be a short one, but in it I would live two lifetimes. He pointed to a chart upon which were symbols and writings I could not understand, and told me my sign would early attach itself to a flaming celestial body and that, ablaze, would only be put out by immersion in sacred waters. All this had been babble, then. I had let it slip from mind. I sensed now that the symbol of the blazing sun was of Hadrian. It was a dire prediction and I wondered in what manner I would still the fire?

So much of me was filled with all manner of sensations, feelings, questions, fears, simultaneously mixed with joy and excitement!

“What is to become of me?”

The question was out of me before I had given it thought. Perhaps the mood of his caring and his closeness made  me feel familiar enough to ask it. Once done, I wanted the answer.

Hadrian raised me to my feet and took away the cloth that had covered me. I stood naked before him and he looked at me from head to foot. There would have been times in the past when such scrutiny would have caused me great distress. But in his presence I felt nothing but pride and happiness that I could bring such joy to him. I had pride in how proportioned my body had become in the several months since I had taken effort to work it by running with the dogs. My stomach and calves, my buttocks, all lost the fat of youth and it had been replaced with muscle obtained through relentless riding lessons under the strict eye of Septimus, the officer to whom I had been assigned. He had been a true task-master and I had gained much from him, and was still doing so. The test was to be the hunt.

Standing proudly before him, in jest, I flexed the muscles of my arms and turned to show how I could flex the ones in my buttocks, making each move independently. Hadrian began to laugh and slapped me sharply on the rump so that his hand was left imprinted. It stung, but there was satisfaction in the pain.

“You grow bold, little one!”

“I feel safe,” I said, reaching my arms around him and pressing my face against his chest.

“And you wonder what is to become of you?”

“Yes, Sire.”

I moved away to look up at him. Hadrian, arms folded, looked serious.

“Be the best of what you are and time will bring you more! Many would have you be what you are not. Keep counsel with your soul and remain true to it. No amount of wealth can buy integrity. Deep within, you will find a voice that can direct you. This is the essence of whatever spirits that have come from the nether world, and they are with you always; have been with you always, to guide and protect. You may even discover the means by which you can speak with them. There is no death! It is but a shedding of one cloth for another. And those who have gone on remain.! Their beacons are the stars.”

I felt strangely familiar with him. Grandfather had voiced similar ideas, even to having shown me the portion of the night sky where it was foretold my star would shine.

“Have you spoken to spirits, Lord?”

“Deep within the bowels of the Telesterion at Eleusis I faced my spirit guide and began to find answers.”

What questions would trouble one such as he! An Emperor with such power should have absolute control, I thought.

“Do you still have questions?” I asked.

“They never end. I am surrounded with uncertainty. The world depends on the Emperor to show responsibility and govern with excellence. There are many who would have me in my grave. A leader cannot please all. I must rule in the best interest of the realm, and not give way to the whims and passions of the few who think but of themselves.

“Other nations have been brought under the yoke of Rome. They submit, but not willingly. Our enemies are everywhere and will continue to be enemies for as long as they are ruled by a foreign power. All these things demand knowing and understanding. I must rely on my advisors, but even these are human! It is from the gods and of those who speak for the gods that I need give ear.

“Antinoos like most men I sense and fear my end! It is not death itself that I fear, but of what death will rob me. I resent it. I have begun much throughout the regions governed by Rome. Many projects remain unfinished, and even more have not been started. I am filled with plans for the renewal of near-dead cities, glorious places forgotten by too many who could have sustained them but thought only of their own aggrandizement.”

It had been said that Hadrian had sought counsel from seers. I was aware of the use of oracles by rulers of the past. There were several well known places where such soothsayers could be consulted. Wars and kingdoms had been won and lost on the words of such as these. Suddenly he looked at me again and laughed.

“And you wonder what is to become of you? Then we share the same question!”

At this point we were interrupted by the arrival of Salvus and Gracchus. They had already taken the cold bath and so ran into the caldarium without stopping to greet the Emperor, but as they passed, hailed him as they jumped into the hot pool. Hadrian watched them, his arm around my shoulder, leaning against me.

“This is what I like about coming here, Salvus...,” he said, taking me with him as he returned to the bath to join them. “You make me feel less the Emperor and more the friend. It is a fresh wind from the hot air that blows too often through the halls of the Palatine and the streets of the Forum.”

“Your august personage is no less honored, my Lord!”

As Salvus said these words he slapped water into Hadrian's face, and I was stunned. Hadrian laughed and sprayed Salvus with equal force. Soon we were all involved in the most horrendous but wonderful water battle and the slaves who had been instructed to remain outdoors, disobeyed and entered, fearing something had gone wrong. What a sight must have greeted them! The Emperor and a great man of the court with two boys, all involved in childish play, chasing each other from end to end. Soon our energies were expended and we settled down to laughter and coughing up the water we had swallowed.

Hadrian and Salvus came to each other and they embraced, exchanging words I could not hear. I watched Gracchus as he sat with his eyes glued to Salvus and I could see the deep admiration and love he felt for the man.

Salvus turned and touched Gracchus tenderly on the cheek.

“We have need to speak,” he said to us. “Stay a while and enjoy yourselves. Play ball outdoors. The day is warm and you'll get some sun on those pale bodies. Meet us at the stables at the fifteenth hour.”

Hadrian turned to me and bent to kiss my lips. I met him eagerly, feeling so much more than my sixteen years, but yet less a man than I wished.

Gracchus and I were left alone. He slipped in and out of the water so that his head was submerged several times. This tall boy was darkly handsome with a sharp Roman nose that unlike so many others with the same feature, added to soft lines of his face to make him seem older than his years. I noticed how his body was matured and how the years of working the land with his father had eliminated any trace of childish flesh which I still had. His eyes, one slightly crossed but not so much that it distracted from his looks, seemed to command attention and this physical anomaly actually enhanced his appearance.

He swam beneath the surface of the water to where I stood and grabbed my legs, pulling them from under me so that I fell backwards. We wrestled with each other like this for several minutes then rested at pool side.

“Had enough water?” he asked as he raised himself to the edge of the bath.

My fingers had begun to wrinkle and I saw that the heat had made my flesh flushed. When I pulled myself out and reached for a strigil, Gracchus laughed loudly as he pointed to my backside. I looked over my shoulder and saw that the print of Hadrian's hand was still clearly visible.

“You enjoy spankings? You didn't look the part. I like them too, once in a while!”

“I don't,” I protested weakly.

“I won't ask why or when you received that,” he said as he began to scrape himself.

I looked at him and smiled coyly. “Well, I don't care for it most of the time,” I said, touching the spot and feeling it still tender.

We completed drying ourselves by helping each other with the strigil as it was a thing impossible to wield properly to get at all the places in the back.

“Did you notice that Commodus is not around, this morning?”

I had not and was surprised. It should have occurred to me for surely he would have made himself present at the bath so as to interrupt us!

“Where has he gone?”

Gracchus tossed his head. “He rode off early this morning before sun-up. I saw him leaving when I got up to piss. By the manner in which he rode it appeared that last night's wine still had not worn off, or that he had continued drinking into the morning.”

“Was he very angry with me last night?”

Gracchus began to dress after we returned to the anteroom, but then thought better of it and led me out into the courtyard of the palaestra.

“You bettered him, and few have been able to do that! I was surprised he let you off.”

I nodded. “Hadrian told me that Commodus would have been more aggressive but had restrained himself due to the Emperor's presence.”

We began playing with a follis, trying to snatch the ball from each other to place within the hoop, secured high on the wall. Gracchus was good at this and I found myself working hard at intercepting his moves. His movements were graceful. I was impressed by the beauty of his body as he darted about, his longs legs, muscled and lean, carrying him lightly around the ball-court. He had the ball in his possession much of the time and I was simply a foil for his performance, so swift of foot and limb was he. Our bodies soon became covered with sweat and dust. Naked, we felt the vitality of the action and gave full attention to it so that conversation was halted for the remainder of the game.

After the match we returned to the baths and washed quickly. I still had to care for the dogs, who had been without food for some time. Gracchus followed and kept me company as I performed my duties. The animals were to come with us on the hunt and I wanted them looking as well as possible, so took particular care of their grooming. While they ate Gracchus and I sat watching them attack the pans of specially prepared feed with vigor.

“Getting back to Commodus,” Gracchus said, knowing it was not a topic I enjoyed discussing. “You know full well the Emperor intends great things for him, and that he is also known to have been his lover and is suspected of still being his bed-mate at times. Lucius is also known to be somewhat of a rogue with the ladies of the court. It appears the man has varied tastes and habits!”

These rumors had crossed my ears but I cared nothing for them or for the man they were about. Frankly, I saw little in Commodus that I thought attractive. He was loud, seldom restrained, overly brilliant for his own good, too fastidious in dress, and not very attractive although others thought otherwise. And he was vain!

“I can only speak for how I feel about the Emperor and what I think he feels for me! I know he has a fondness and attachment to Commodus. But what Hadrian chooses to do with his affections is out of my hands except for where I am concerned. I love him and intend to make myself worthy of his respect and love. The Emperor surely will protect me from serious attack by this jealous man!”

Gracchus looked serious.

“The Emperor will let fate take its course. Even if he loves you as you say he does, and I do believe he loves you more seriously than any of the others, I think he will do little to prevent anything.”

This concerned me.

“Why would he not prevent these attacks on me? Why would Hadrian allow Commodus to treat me so?”

Gracchus' answer is still vividly imprinted in my mind to this day! I can see, in the distance of time just how insightful and accurate he had been. I wish I would have been given more time to experience a fuller relationship with him. He was an apt student of Salvus' mind.

“Hadrian believes that every adversity is a test. His most cherished friends know this and avoid at all cost placing themselves in positions which would require his intervention. And those who do, quickly come to learn that they must answer for their own actions and be responsible for them.”

Chapter Fifteen

The Hunt, Early Summer 127 A.D.

The mounts used were not those we had ridden from Rome. Only Hadrian chose to ride  the same, his trusted and much loved Borysthenes. This animal followed him on all campaigns and had carried him through numerous dangerous encounters on the battlefield, being as much a part of him as his limbs were a part of his body. With just a thought from Hadrian, it seemed, Borysthenes would follow the command.

For the rest of us, we rode horses trained for the hunt by Salvus' stable master. The one assigned to me was a mare of high spirit who sniffed and stomped the ground at my approach.

“Show her no fear, Antinoos.” Salvus called to me. “She will master you if she thinks you frightened.”

My heart pounded and worry must have shown in my face. I knew Salvus was right and although anxiety was causing me to feel the need to urinate, I tightened the muscle and resolved to master my emotions. Taking a deep breath and allowing my shoulders to relax, I  forced a smile that did not match the lump in my throat as I approached the magnificent animal with as much command as I could muster. It backed from me, shaking its head and flinging its mane about as it continued to dig the ground with its hooves. Hadrian watched silently.

I knew Salvus had been instructed to assign me the mare. Reaching for the reigns, the animal swung its head around and tried to nip at my elbow but I moved in time to avoid its teeth. Still holding the reigns, I ran along its side and grabbed the edge of the saddle, leaping in time with its movement and hoisted myself onto its back before it could run from under me. Once done, I rode high above the ground, realizing the unusual height of its stance.

The mare reared to throw me but I hung on, my legs pressed tightly against its side and I laughed at my success, calling to the rest, waving my arms about with the joy that I was still in the saddle. I felt a rush of excitement at the prospect of matching what skills Septimus had drilled into me with those of the mare, who obviously was accustomed to having its own way. This female would not best me!

My resolve persisted and soon, the mare began to trot about the yard, settling to having me on its back. Suddenly I heard a roar of applause and realized that the farm hands, the Praetorians Guards who had accompanied us, and a host of others who had gathered to watch the spectacle with the likelihood of seeing the Bithynian trounced, found themselves won over by my success. Hadrian rode up to me and slapped me sharply on the shoulder as a sign of  approval, the smile on his face enough to tell me that I had surmounted the first obstacle.

Salvus had his land well stocked with game. The preserve set aside for this was expansive and its perimeters were edged with thick brush to keep the animals within. A natural forest, this space had been laid with trails that were often narrow and barely discernible to enhance the difficulty of the ride. Dense vegetation offered excellent refuge for the game, and we rode swiftly, leaping streams and hedges. Boar was to be our quarry.

My steed, true to its good training, once accepting that I was master, followed my every command. Turning, slowing, leaping obstacles, it did these things almost before I gave it direction. I felt elated as I rode with the wind in my face, high above the ground, the animal and I moving as one. The power of the mare beneath me became my power.

With Salvus in the lead, followed by Hadrian, I stayed close behind and Gracchus rode the rear. The hounds kept pace some distance ahead. Our objective was to locate a boar, wound it with arrows, and then follow it on foot, as it was its nature to seek brush for cover and this made the use of horses difficult. Once found, the death blow was to be given with a spear. The honor of tracking the animal, once wounded, went to whoever had struck it first. A wounded boar in the underbrush is a dangerous thing as it will lie in wait until one is almost upon it before it charges with its tusks, sharp as needles, aimed at whatever it perceives as danger. I had been well instructed by Hadrian the night before. It was my first hunt.

Gracchus rode up beside me. We followed some lowlands between a ridge of hills on either side, heading in the direction of the setting sun. There would be perhaps an hour at most before the light would be too poor to continue and it was this pressing time that caused us to ride with speed to where the game would likely be found.

“You did well,” he yelled. His face lighted with
a smile. “She has not been ridden by many,” he said, pointing to my mount.

“This was a conspiracy,” I called back, knowing he had been fully aware of the plan to pair me with the mare.

“It was indeed.” Gracchus laughed.

“But I could have been killed!” I argued weakly, feeling pride for having been tested.

“But you were not!”

He rode forward and caught up with Salvus, blowing him a kiss as he moved to the head of the group.

It occurred to me that, although I was not killed when trying to mount the mare, injury was almost assured in what was to come. Yet surely Hadrian would not let harm come to me! But recalling Gracchus' words of Hadrian refusing interference when danger came to those who acted foolhardy, I resolved to use utmost caution.

Ahead, the Emperor slowed, allowing me to catch up. I hailed him with a waive and bowed my head with respect.

“I pay homage to you, this day,” Hadrian yelled above the sound of pounding hooves. He held out his hand and I reached to accept what he offered. It was a gold sovereign of substantial value. I later had it made into a piece to hang about my neck where it remains to this day.

“And here is one you can give to Septimus for having done his work so well.”

Hadrian dropped another coin in my outstretched hand.

“I am proud of you, lad! You look like you belong on that mare. You like her?”

My concern had been more in maintaining control and less about my fondness of her. But there was something of a kinship with the animal, for she was intimately associated with the event that I was sure had raised me in the Emperor's esteem.

“I believe she may still have questions about my mastery, Lord. I feel somewhat in control and that she could easily run her own given the opportunity.”

“Right you are,” he said, nodding. “That is why you must keep steady on her. Give her no leeway! Do you like her...?”

I had to admit I did, and said as much.

Hadrian smiled broadly and rode closer, reaching to pat my shoulder.

“Then she is yours! Name her what you will.”

I was taken aback by the gift. The mare was obviously a splendid animal of much worth due to her breeding. I learned later from Gracchus that Borysthenes had been her sire.

“I am at a loss for words...,” I said trying desperately to refrain from crying with joy and appreciation.

“Thank you, would be sufficient,” he called to me, laughing as he slapped me on the thigh.  I was coming to learn that Hadrian was fond of slapping!

I blew him a kiss. The steed beneath me was a throne and I was riding high and powerful, commanding everything about me. With energy coursing through me I heeled the mare and loosened the reigns so that she surged forward, leaving Hadrian behind.

“Catch me if you can,” I called back to him.

We rode the narrow trail with speed, dodging limbs. It is an exquisite feeling to be on an animal that becomes an extension of one's body. The resulting adrenaline flow sharpened everything around me so that all the world seemed supernatural.

With my heart pounding, I could feel the flush in my cheeks as I sailed through the air without effort, the ground speeding by below me. Gracchus and Salvus had quickly parted to let me pass and Hadrian kept close behind. I rode like this for some while with Hadrian only two heads behind. Borysthenes could have easily passed me. But Hadrian kept him checked and allowed me this lead.

The dogs, having kept pace until we had begun to race, were far behind. Hadrian signaled for me to slow and we stopped to allow them to catch up to the party.

“You certainly have learned your riding lesson well, Antinoos! You have surpassed my expectations.”

His face glowed and I could tell by the sparkle in his eyes just how much he enjoyed himself.

“Lessons in something one loves to do are lessons easily learned,” I said, appreciating the vigor of the ride and of having enjoyed my training with Septimus.

“But there will be more to this than horsemanship. You must remember carefully what I told you about being too confident while hunting the prey. The animal does not discriminate and will attack whatever it sees moving. This is much more than an exercise in riding, Antinoos.”

Borysthenes pawed the ground and strained at the bit to be on the move. He smelled the game and knew the object of our being there.

Salvus called above the din, “You will find that from here on, we are likely to encounter something. My man was here yesterday afternoon and said he saw a sow and young in the area. We should avoid her, as I do not want her killed. Let us concentrate on a male,” he advised.

“On with it, then!” Hadrian cried out, urging Borysthenes to set off in a gallop.

We followed close behind and entered an area of woods with much low brush. The pace was kept in check to allow the dogs to do their work. Soon a bitch picked up a scent and we stopped to allow her to trace the trail. The hounds began to bark as their agitation mounted, their nostrils filled with the smell of the beast having recently passed. They were wild with excitement, anticipating a kill. Suddenly there was a rush of movement on our left and a large boar came charging at the hounds but they stood their ground and barked savagely. The boar stopped short and faced us, digging furrows in the ground with its hooves, waving its head back and forth, its large tusks cutting a wide path.

Salvus was the first to fix an arrow on his bow and he let fly but missed the beast when it moved. Hadrian was next and he aimed, but then lowered his bow and looked at me.

“Will you take this one?” He asked me, more a suggestion than a question.

“I would like to try.”

“Then do so,” he said. “Shoot for the area below its jaw.”

I raised my bow and took careful aim, judging the distance and the movement of the boar as it made passes at the dogs, being careful not to strike one of them. When I felt right, I let fly the arrow. It landed short by several feet. I had not pulled the string back enough. I felt humiliated and angry for having been impetuous. An arrow came from behind and hit the boar behind the left ear, going deeply into its flesh. The boar bellowed with pain, fell to the ground and quickly rose again. Turning, it fled into the brush. It had been Gracchus' shot and he had hit his mark.

Gracchus was off his horse, having given the reigns to Salvus and with the dogs ahead of him to show him the way, he pursued the animal on foot.

“Come, Antinoos, we follow!”

Hadrian motioned for me to tether the mare to a tree as he did, and we followed behind Gracchus, arrows strung and ready to strike if necessary. The hounds stopped here and there to sniff the spots of blood that marked the path of the wounded animal. The markings led up a hillock and down the other side. We saw the boar in a clearing, lying on its side, having lost enough blood to make it too weak to go further. Gracchus had pierced an artery.

By this time the dogs were at high pitch, running circles around the dying pig, barking and causing the animal to thrash about in effort to strike out at them. I called the dogs back but they did not obey. Hadrian called to them once, and they returned immediately. Once again I felt embarrassment. But too much was happening for me to indulge in the self-pity. We rushed nearer. Gracchus sank his lance into the animal, giving it its death blow.

Seeing the look of pride on his face for having downed the thing, I could not begrudge him the honor and felt happy for him. There would be other boars to kill. We congratulated Gracchus and Salvus reached down and cut the animal's right ear, handing it to the victor as a prize.

“Well done, boy.” Hadrian praised him. “Good shot from the beginning! This is a lesson to you, Antinoos. Learn from it that you must put power in the draw of the string. Practice, and I am sure you will excel as you have in your riding. Come lad, I am sure there is another beast in these woods; one that bears you name.”

Leaving the carcass for the slaves to dress and carry back, we moved on. Gracchus, having obtained another spear, rode beside me.

“Are you angry that I took it? I feared it would get away.”

I was humbled that Gracchus had perceived my disappointment and thought I would envy him, or that I might hold resentment.

“I was, but only for a moment. My pride was hurt at missing the mark. I'm happy you shot and hit it. It was a good shot, too!”

“Luck,” he said, making less of his marksmanship than he should have. I learned later that Gracchus was an expert with the bow.

We rode into thicker growth, fanning out to cover greater distance. I stayed within eye-contact of the Emperor, watching his every move whenever I was able; observing his technique. The sun had begun to touch the hills behind us and within half an hour's passing it would soon begin to get dark. The dogs could be heard ahead, barking as they ranged through the brush searching for a scent. My mount had become fully responsive and I felt quite comfortable, and therefore relaxed myself with her as I gave attention to Hadrian and the dogs.

Suddenly the mare reared and I felt myself falling backward over her rump and to the ground, landing with a thud. The wind was knocked out of me and I sat gasping for air. I had hit the side of a tree and my shoulder was in terrible pain. I sat, stunned, not understanding what had happened. Hadrian rode to me and leaped from Borysthenes, coming to my aid.

“Were do you hurt?”

I touched my shoulder and he tore the top of my tunic to look at the area. It was scratched and bleeding. Hadrian lifted my arm and moved it gently about to assess pain and damage.

“It is not broken,” he said, showing relief. “Try standing.”

I slowly got to my feet, feeling dizzy as the scenery around me swirled. Hadrian steadied me, putting his arm under me for support.

“Now see if you can walk.”

We made our way to where the mare had come to a stop, and she nibbled at the leaves of  a bush, undaunted. Gracchus and Salvus had rushed to our aid, thinking the incident a serious one. I looked and felt soiled and in disarray. My fillet had come loose from my head and my hair had fallen all about my face, tangled and filled with dirt and leaves. My side hurt and I limped as I walked.

“How is he?” Salvus addressed himself to Hadrian

“I believe he will survive,” he said lightly, making little of the incident. “It was the price of over-confidence. Do you agree, Antinoos?”

He had noted my lack of attention with her and probably had seen the incident coming and decided that it was a lesson I needed to learn.

“What did you do wrong, boy?”

“Assumed too much, Sire.”

“Indeed you did, lad. You allowed her to become the master when she decided she wanted to eat. So you know what you did wrong. Do you know what you did right?”

I could not understand what he was asking and felt ridiculous at my inability to respond. I wanted to hide my face and shout at him to let me be, as the entire event had made me feel belittled and mortified. But I kept my tongue.

“Come, Antinoos. Tell me what you did that was done correctly and with exception!”

At a loss for words, I stuttered. “I do not know, Lord.”

He would not take my answer and persisted.

“Yes you know. Think! Consider the height you fell and how little you were hurt. That fall could have been very serious.”

Then I remembered a series of lessons with Septimus where he had taught me how to roll from the horse, should I be thrown or find the need to dismount swiftly.

“My pushing from her and landing on my feet before I fell?”

`           Hadrian smiled and began to brush the leaves from my hair. He took the corner of his cloak and wiped my face clean.

“Indeed, and you did it expertly,” he answered, taking me into his arms and holding me for a moment.

“You gave me quite a fright, little Bithynian. See that you are more cautious in the future. Here, wrap this around your shoulder.”

Hadrian took a cloth from his saddle-bag and with the help of Gracchus, bound my shoulder while Salvus retrieved the mare.

“Are you ready to remount?”

I nodded, reluctant, but knowing there was nothing else to do but get back on her and re-establish my control.

“Do you feel you want to continue, or shall we return?”

“Onward,” I said, moving my shoulder to loosen the tension that had come into it. “My boar is still waiting and I have full intention of keeping the appointment!”

“Good, Antinoos!” Hadrian called, giving me a resounding slap on the rump. I flinched but smiled and resumed my place in the saddle.

“She has been named,” I said to them, grabbing the reigns solidly and firmly gripping her sides with my knees.

“Tell us what we are to call her,” Salvus asked.

“Catapult!”

The party rode for another half hour. Although the dogs had been following the scent of something close, it became too dark for us to pursue it. We agreed to return to the villa. Hadrian and Salvus rode ahead, involved in conversation. Gracchus and I rode together.

“How do you feel?” He asked.

“Tender,” I responded, the pains of the fall having become more evident now that I had the time to think about them. My shoulder would be bruised badly by morning, and my right ankle throbbed, having twisted it when I had jumped from the mare.

“Take a hot bath and have Salvus' physician look at your ankle. You may not be able to walk on it if you ignore it. It looks swollen.”

Then he looked at the mare. “Will you keep her?”

“Absolutely!” I had resolved that question as soon as I had remounted her. “We have given each other a mutual initiation. It was her price for relinquishing herself to me, I think.”

He nodded approval and reached to shake my hand.

“Your fortitude and stamina belie your looks!”

“What do you mean?” I wondered if his words implied what I thought.

“There is a softness about you that would make people believe that you are not inclined for this sort of thing. Riding and hunting were not interests I would have thought you had. I mistook you for one of his delicacies when I first saw you. Some of the Emperor's favorites have been less than manly, if you know what I mean! Their concerns seemed more to do with how well they looked in the latest fashions, and many reeked of scents or perfumes. Your beauty belies your strength.”

I was pleased. My fragile constitution and frame had been changed into something more developed, more muscular because of exercise. Three years of maturity had reduced those places where the flesh had been soft and feminine. But apparently I still did not look the man I thought myself to be.

As we rode back along the southwest ridges of the land I noticed torches in the distance. There were many, all following the outline of a hilltop.

“What is that?”

“A burial or some religious celebration. These hills are filled with tunnels where the dead are buried. They are fanatics who adhere to the teachings of some Jew who claimed to be a messiah or god. They are difficult to understand, but are a peaceful people. They have rituals, in those caverns, and also bury their dead there because they are not allowed, by law to burn them.

“Salvus allows them?”

Gracchus shrugged his shoulders. “They cause no harm and they have assisted in the clearing of the land. He allows them their place beneath the ground and they help maintain some of the groves and harvest the grapes, of which he allows them to keep a portion.”

Then Gracchus laughed, “And Salvus says the bodies make good fertilizer.”

I had heard of the people referred to as Christians, but not in the harmless way alluded to by Gracchus. They had become a potentially dangerous sect at some point in the past, and had necessitated attempts at their extermination by several previous Emperors. There would be mass executions of them in times to come. It was known that the Emperor Nero had put thousands of them to death, having charged them with the cause of the great fire that had destroyed the city. It surprised me that Salvus was so lenient.

“I understand they are terribly difficult people to deal with. Doesn't Salvus worry about what they will do?”

Gracchus smiled, keeping his eyes on the moving pilgrims in the distance.

“There are worst enemies and more dangerous elements than those poor souls who want nothing more than to be left alone.”

“But you sound sympathetic,” I said, surprised by his response.

“And you sound like Lucius Commodus,” he said somewhat sharply.

The name of Commodus had not been mentioned during the day, and it had been a pleasure. Now I felt the sting of being compared to him.

“Gracchus, what cause have you to say this?”

“Because the man assumes that the world must be seen as he sees it. He allows for little diversity. Anyone who does not believe what Lucius believes is considered by him to be an adversary. He has little tolerance, and especially disapproves of the Emperor's liberal policy regarding the cults.”

“You seem to know quite a bit about a lot of things,” I said, admiration of his knowledge but also with sarcasm.

“I have a father whom I love, but Salvus is my master and my teacher!”

The answer was given in a most affirmative tone. I understood how much he admired and loved the man. The conversation was taking an argumentative tone and it was not my intention to become involved in differences of politics or personalities with Gracchus. I considered him a friend and did not wish to create discord. I let the matter drop.

We rode in silence for some while until Hadrian and Salvus slowed to let us join them, indicating their discussion of state business had ended and privacy was no longer needed. With the line of Christian torches at our back and Rome's glow lighting the sky ahead, we rode in silence, listening to the songs of crickets and of frogs in the nearby pond. It was a time of bonding, one that filled me with a sense so intense that I felt myself on the verge of tears.

These were times of felicity and concord. The legions were solidly behind the Emperor.

Chapter Sixteen

Shades of Icharus, Fall 127 A.D.

The Senate, although having existing animosities as a result of the extermination of some of its members at the start of Hadrian's reign, were for the most part supportive. They could not deny that the Empire was experiencing a boom of economic growth, peace in the provinces, and internal stability.

Like Trajan, Hadrian's concerns were with the administration of the state for the public good. The product of his intentions could not be denied. Large and small provinces received financial endowments for the building of new roads and the repair of old ones. Public baths were refurbished, and new ones erected. Administrative buildings were expanded or added to accommodate the growth of the Empire. Larger aqueducts were added to the already extensive system of public water supply. Assistance to the poor and military widows was increased. Humane institutions for the housing of homeless children and the destitute were opened, greatly relieving human suffering. The public dole was enlarged so that more grain was given, which meant the need for improved grain sources from which Rome obtained much of its food. The pay of soldiers and public servants was increased. Everyone felt the benefit of effective administration! The general confusion of laws that had existed for centuries was unified under a standard code so that justice could be more equal and the same for everyone throughout the Empire.

Hadrian acknowledged the results of his efforts by accepting certain titles bestowed upon him by the Senate, titles which he had once refused, early in his rule, until he could prove himself worthy.

As a means by which he could obtain more control over the sometimes difficult outlying districts, Hadrian relinquished some of the territories obtained by Trajan in his last years. This reduced the area over which the armies were spread, and allowed fewer miles of frontier to patrol. Legions were condensed and sent to where they were most needed. The more established outposts were urged to form settlements and establish trades.

His strategy affected changes in all manner of ways, but in spite of his success there remained a thorn in his side that caused him continual aggravation. Sabina resented his other interests and never ceased in holding him accountable for them. She took each opportunity that brought them together to make her objections known. Hadrian avoided her. But they took pains to present a public face, even though it was well known that much discord existed between them. He took care to include her in as many public functions as necessitated her presence, and no more.

Hadrian's spirit and soul yearned for a certain quality that his union with Sabina did not fulfill. There was an absence of bonding. They had not wed for love. He found no love in the marriage. It was alleged that Sabina took secret potions to null the possibility of issue on those infrequent nuptial encounters.

This man of monumental vision and controlled passions found himself suddenly taken by deeply sensitive stirrings which seemed, at one time, to have been impossible for him to feel. They were, therefore, even more passionate. To the allegations made by some of his contemporaries and of those of his later critics, most notably of Marcus Aurelius, his nephew, that he displayed a perverted appetite for boys, Hadrian would deny it and point to the many before him and millions who came after who had similar likes. Many succeeded with grand achievements with little effect upon the quality of their productions. In truth, time defines perversion by its own times; mere moral judgments based on the existing values. True perversion is found in the mind of the one who condemns without thought or understanding of the wonderful human quality of difference. To this mind comes the inheritance of evil. That is a dear price!

Hadrian came to feel that in me, he had found a merging of soul and spirit. I could not deny my admiration of him, nor my attraction to his power, strength, position, and captivating personality. These attractions would haunt him in times to come, and he would question my love. But in the beginning, I encouraged his attentions with all my being. I did my utmost to fulfill whatever expectations I believed he had of me. His gentleness of spirit, concern for my welfare, passion in our lovemaking; all these were a counter-point to his matter-of-fact ways when assuming his role as head of state. He exhibited a remarkable ability to assess problems instantly and respond with equal speed, with a solution. Yet, in our private moments together he took pains to give me time, to move gently and slowly with me and guide me through the complex morass that is love. For as much as he expected of me, he allowed me room for error as long as I showed profit by my mistakes. How could I not love him?

At Salvus' villa, our time together had been an opportunity for Hadrian to see me in a more personal light without needing to hide his curiosity and interest. At his own villa, a grand place still under construction at Tibur, in the Sabine Hills, he was too constrained by the trapping of state business whenever he was in residence. It was at Villa Pacé that he chose to escape the turmoil; where he could be less the Emperor and more the man. And this first outing together was the initiation of our serious love. Up to this time, I had simply been another boy to whom he had been attracted.

Before we returned to Rome, there were two more fine dinners and wonderful leisurely walks through the extensive gardens of the estate. Salvus held two more hunts, and I killed my boar on the morning of our departure. My mare, Catapult, was kept at the villa to continue her training and it was arranged that I would return to take part in the same. I was happy with these plans, as I enjoyed the company of Gracchus and looked forward to seeing him again. I also looked to my return with anticipation, as it would take me from Rome and the palace, places at which I was not at ease!

In the weeks to come I would make these journeys alone, without Hadrian, as his attention became preoccupied with the continued development of his estate at Tibur and to the several site in Rome which were being  reconstructed. He seemed intent on giving the city a new look, a style that would be associated with his reign. There were improvements and additions to the baths, the expansion of the gardens of the Campus Martius, and an enlargement of the cloci, drains that carried the city's refuse into the Tiber. Time would soon come when I would be constantly at his side, but for the moment it was not yet seemly for me to be seen in his company. These moments apart were sources of anguish.

I returned to my quarters within the palace complex, to await his bidding. The hounds demanded much of my time and to that was added the continuation of my education. I was assigned a tutor. This man had come to the court when the Emperor had last been to Athens. Much admired by Hadrian for his eloquence and knowledge, and having been highly recommended by Herod Atticus, the Emperor had me in mind when he persuaded Antipas to join him. This aged Greek proved difficult and easily pleased, and my lesson were learned through toil and long hours. But he was fair and beyond reproach in his sternness and demands, which were not unreasonable. I learned!

Having become proficient in writing, my skill was sought by Sabina. I became one of her secretaries. Several times a week I met with her to help with correspondence. This brought me into closer proximity of Filiniana, whom I had not seen for almost a fortnight. I assumed that it was not chance that brought me to Sabina's service. Her motives were several. Sabina could observe my conduct and keep current of my activities. In her correspondence, she was often candid with her friends and spoke of her relationship with the Emperor, but in a cautious way. Still, I was able to detect her innuendoes, and these were purposely directed at me. She spoke to me through her letters. It was made clear that she knew of Hadrian's interest in "another of those many youths for which he seems to be so fond". It was her way of letting me know that I was not to hope for much from his attention. Filiniana was always about when I attended the Empress, and I believe it was hoped that we would become involved more deeply than just a passing flirtation.

I respected Sabina. She was at all times a lady. albeit a demanding one and one not easily pleased. She treated me with kindness in spite of my relationship with her husband. But once again, I must state that this relationship had been from the start, a matter of form and Sabina had no illusions of it. Still, her anger of the situation with her husband often made her peevish and harsh.

Filiniana held herself apart from me, understanding more each day as we spoke, of how deeply my feelings for the Emperor ran; not wanting to find herself a pawn in the royal moves. She told me as much.

"You have come a long way in a short time, Antinoos! In a matter of months you have moved very close to him. It is you that he fancies above all else."

"You speak as though this fancy were a dalliance and nothing more," I said, objecting to her tone.

"You believe it is not?"

Filiniana led the way to the garden and we sat, looking beyond the wall that enclosed us, to the rising edifice of the Amphitheatrum Flavium, its white marble sides gleaming in the bright sunlight. The heat was already almost unbearable and it promised to become more so. A nearby fountain gave our location some reprieve as we sat in the shade.

"That is my belief," I answered defensively. I did not have the capacity nor the experience to comprehend how emotions which moved me so deeply and seemed to move the Emperor with the same force, could be anything but absolute.

"And what of us?"

Her question voiced words that had been on my lips.

"You have some opinion?" I asked, taking her hand in mine and smiling as she looked into my eyes.

"You know as I do that your ardor, in the past, has been no more than the exuberance of your youth. Antinoos, you are like a ram in a field of ewes."

I began to laugh and could not stop. Filiniana had paid me a most humorous compliment that it had been meant to pique me.

"The field is a small one. You see more ewes than I. As for myself I see but one. What I feel for the Emperor is not something I wish to discuss with anyone because I have not the words. I have given myself to him, but not just with my body. It is not simply a matter of satisfaction of appetites! You are a friend, someone with whom I have shared beautiful and warm moments. Why should that change?"

Filiniana rose and walked to the fountain, placing her hand into the water. Her slight frame and the movement of her body beneath her robe still stirred me. I knew well those lovely curves and hidden places that had been offered to me. I found myself longing to be with her again in the warmth of her embrace, like the ones we had shared after having loved.

She flicked cool droplets my way, as a mild antagonism. "Because you have changed, and will change more. Look at you! You were a mere boy when I first set eyes on you. Times are making you much more than what you were. By your own words you find yourself committed to him. I fear to be in the way, and you should fear to play your emotions too widely."

"Then are we not to be friends?"

It was her time to laugh. She turned and came to me, and we embraced.

"You know the Empress expects more of us?"

Filiniana shrugged her shoulders. "She expects only to be given her due. Hadrian has been shrewd enough to award her that. She has her place beside him on the throne. She expects no more."

"I fear her sometimes," I admitted. Rome was well known for its history of those who disappeared without a trace when royalty had come to find displeasure in them. There has always been a quick business in poisons and potions to solve difficult problems.

Filiniana touched me on the cheek. "You should hold this fear as a guide to how to conduct yourself, in the coming months. Many will look to you for favors. I have experienced the temptation, but my life and soul are not to be priced. You seem to be placed in a most favorable position. There will be those who would have you gain much from intervening in their behalf, to obtain the Emperor's ear. Take care, Antinoos!"

Filiniana's warning proved true. Word of my closeness to the Emperor soon spread and within a limited circle, I was looked at with admiration by some and scorned by others. But for many, I was seen as a future channel to the throne. I came to find that my company was courted and unlike past times when no one had paid much attention to me, I was now approached almost everywhere I went and called by name. In the beginning, the attention fanned my pride.

I recall an afternoon early in August when someone of notable rank spoke to me at the baths. I recognized his face as someone I had seen numerous times when I had stood at Hadrian's side to serve him, as he held sessions of court. This man was a well known jurist recognized for his power of voice, actually a cover for his lack of eloquence. It was said that when Paulianus rose to speak, all those in neighboring courtrooms would stop proceedings, unable to complete with his volume. I disliked the man as soon as I saw him, but hid my feelings under a veil of respect for his rank.

It was in the corridor of the palaestra that he cornered me. His invitation to one of his dinners at first enticed me as I had heard of their ribaldries, and was curious. But in the following days as more of such invitations were offered, I became wary; many came from people I hardly knew, and they could have no other motive for wanting my company other than my youth, looks, and connection to the Emperor. How foolish for them to think that I could hold such power!

Early in my dawning career I decided to shun all those who used such tactics. I consulted Hadrian constantly on the reliability and standing of those whom I suspected. I kept my friendships limited to a small circle of friends like Gracchus, Salvus, and Filiniana. I declined the jurist's invitation with the excuse that I had fallen ill, and refused all others unless I knew that Hadrian would be there also, in which case the invitation would have been extended to him, not to me.

As time passed requests disguised as presents and promises of favors, grew. With each occasion that I was seen in his company, and the occasions became more numerous as our relationship grew, my influence became more dear and therefore, more prized. The requests were many and they came from all manner of people. Notes were slipped into my hands which asked my intervention; a haberdasher sought to outfit me with a new wardrobe if I promoted him for the needs of the palace. This was done after an expensive robe of damask was delivered to me. I returned it with a carefully worded note of thanks and the explanation that I could not "afford" the garment.

Another, a woman I had spoken to briefly on several occasions when I had gone to the shop of a parchment supplier to buy paper, flirted with me as she mentioned that her husband was a merchant of oil who sought the rights to a section of warehouses in the vicinity of the Ponticus Aemilia, a region set aside for this sort of thing. I had no doubt that she was offering herself as payment. When these approaches became more numerous, I behaved graciously as possible and advised that the request be made to one of the Emperor's agents, whose job it was to process such things.

In the three years of close contact we had together, I can say that I never took a bribe or in any way acted to obtain special favors. There were special favors accorded to some of my friends not due to any of my interventions, but only because Hadrian wanted to show me his affection.

To escape the heat of the summer, I often accompanied him to Salvus's villa. On one of these occasion I brought Filiniana, with the Empress' permission. This afforded her an opportunity to get away from the palace, and I took pride in being able to introduce her to Gracchus. It was Hadrian who had suggested it.

The decision was the result of a conversation, one evening together, when he asked about her and I decided to speak about some issues that had been bothering me. At first I was cautious, feeling he might object to my interest in her although he had not, in the past, expressed such feelings. In fact he had seemed to encourage my infatuation by speaking well of her and made me to understand that he was open to the friendship. But I was unsure of whether he understood its depth.

"You seem cautious, Antinoos, when you mention her name. You think me angry with you because of her?"

We were sitting at the window ledge in his private apartments. The night was heavy and only a frail breeze touched us. We had shed our clothing and sat naked together looking across the grounds of the ruins of Nero’s palace. Rome twinkled with oil lamps and the sounds of the merchants who were entering the city with their carts, drifted up the hill of the Palatine. In the far distance we saw the lights of the fires along the wall that enclosed the city, places where sentries were cooking meals. With him, from this place, the elevation of the hill matched my spirit and I became more relaxed.

"I am concerned with how you might feel about the fact that we spend time together!" I answered him.

Hadrian moved so that he could rest his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his brow with my fingertips, trying to message the wrinkles of concern that always seemed to be present there.

"This friendship of yours, is it still the same as before? Are you having sexual intercourse with her?"

Although less than when we had first met, Filiniana and I were still finding ourselves sometimes coming together for that purpose. We had agreed that it would not be our main objective, and would only do so when the situation seemed appropriate. My feelings were genuine. I was attracted to her sexually, and also for her kindness and understanding. She made few demands and accepted my relationship with the Emperor without judgment or recrimination.

"Yes, infrequent as it is, I do see her. The feelings I have for both of you are filled with love that sometimes seems almost too heavy a burden to bear! I lie awake at night thinking that nothing so grand can sustain, with time. Hadrian, do I misunderstand my heart?"

He took my hand and touched it with his lips, and held it for a long time without speech. I saw his eyes focused on some faraway place beyond my knowing.

"I think you understand them too well," he finally answered.

"What were you just thinking about," I asked.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, "my mind was wandering and I was thinking of a design for a building I have planned for my villa. It will be a sanctuary against the world and its impositions. It will be a temple to solitude. I was seeing us there together, free of all this," he hung his arm in a circle to encompass the city. "I was thinking of how it would feel to be a simple man without the weight of the purple. But then if that were so," he continued, rising and taking me into his arms and holding me so firmly that my ribs ached, "I would not have been where fate led me, when we met."

"Tell me about this place you dream about."

We returned to his couch and reclined. I let my head rest on his thigh, watching his lined face, seeing the expression of pensiveness becoming less as he relaxed. He traced a finger along my chin and neck, touching me lovingly, his cool hand bringing life to my skin.

"There is a place for you, there, Antinoos. You must come when it is ready."

"When, Lord?"

"Soon. You will see a lovely pool to reflect the stars, surrounded by trees and marble statues
of the caryatids such as are found in Athens at the temple of Athena. Nearby, I am erecting a summer house which will be open to the beauty, but which will also be of use in the cold weather. There, I've decided to arrange a room all of your own. One which I think you will find pleasing."

"Am I to remain in the shadows?"

"Antinoos, you are becoming a strong and able person whose value has been proven. Be patient with me. I have critics who would jump at the occasion to object to our relationship. Trust me for a little while longer. There is a plan in all this."

"Is one of those critics the Empress? I asked, wanting to open the issue to discussion.

"You would think so," he answered with a wry smile trying to assure me. "But although the Empress has objected to some of my actions in the past, this time she seems to be less vehement. She likes you, you know. You have been the subject of our recent conversations. You are aware that all is not what it should be, between us?"

"Yes, Lord, I have heard it spoken. I have looked for anger in her, but have found none directed at me."

"Why?"

"I should think that she would consider me an intrusion or threat on her rights to you."

Hadrian laughed softly as he nodded his head negatively.

"Had you been the first perhaps that would have been the case."

His comment stung me and I felt my pride wounded in the reminder that there had been others. I felt the need to press the issue.

"And these others, am I to be an addition?"

My heart was pounding in my breast with the impetuousness of the question, but I pressed on. Hadrian raised me to a sitting position and held me closely. There was a force in his action that carried intensity.

"You may well ask that question, Antinoos. I know you are not ignorant of my past affairs. It is what words I speak to you this night, they will be but sounds filled with doubt. The only true proof of intent is action. Again, I ask that you trust me by your faithfulness and let each day prove what is in my heart. I can say that I love you and those words carry only the energy that is required to say them. There have been others, Antinoos. You know this. But all of that is naught compared to what I am feeling, with you!"

The moment had arrived to broach an issue heavily on my mind.

"Lord, please excuse my presumptuousness. I do not mean to question you and make you angry, but there is something that troubles me. It is an issue that has caused me embarrassment and concern."

Hadrian placed a finger on my lips.

"Do not be anxious, for I will answer this concern without your need to state it. Dear Antinoos, a time will come when this responsibility of governing the most powerful nation on earth Sabina has taken precautions to deny me a son, she has done me a service!

"For this reason, I have looked toward filling the throne with someone worthy of the responsibility. Lucius Commodus is that person. I love him like a son. I once loved him as a lover. But that particular time in our relationship was when we were both much younger and blithe of spirit in our emotions. It was a relationship of two friends who loved with their bodies only when the occasion demanded satisfaction of those needs. We relieved each other!

"Lucius has always understood this. I believe he had hoped that my feelings for him would have run more deeply; and deeply they did run, but Lucius could not understand the subtleties of them. He has a brilliant mind and he has been devoted to me, but not without objective. Lucius seeks power, and I do not mind handing him what he seeks. I believe he could live up to the weight of the purple."

Hadrian had spoken slowly, placing emphasis on many words so that I would take note of them. He continued to hold me gently. I lost myself in his expressive face, filled with expectancy of the unknown and the intensity of his eyes,

"And you, little Bithynian...." he continued, "...wonder how much o f my heart I share between the both of you. Let me tell you that this is also a concern shared by Lucius Commodus, and it bothers him seriously. It is the reason for his jealousy; a trait I had hoped not to see, but one I must allow as a part of his determination.

"You must be patient with all of us, Antinoos. In you, we see many things. You disturb us, my precious."

"I mean no harm," I offered.

"It is not the harm he might perceive in you as much as the passion he witnesses in me, that makes him fear his status. I have tried to reassure him, but once again words have little force and only time will confirm my devotion to him."

I heard sincerity in his voice as he spoke about Lucius, and I understood that the love he felt for him was of a different nature than that which he felt for me, and felt some eases with the confirmation. Yet, this did not solve the problem that existed between Lucius and me. I did not have a solution other than the one offered by Hadrian, of allowing time to prove my behavior. I hoped Lucius would come to see that I had no pretense or design for his position.

"Lord, reassure him that I mean him no harm. My purpose is to render you service and give you love and obedience. I would prefer the shadows, to the prominence of a more obvious position. Public scrutiny makes me uneasy."

"Adjust yourself to it, Antinoos. It has been chosen for you. The very nature of who and what we are to each other, subjects us to criticism. Romans, unlike you Greeks, do not condone quite so readily the kind of relationship we share. Yet, it is pure. I mean you no harm and do not command your love. This, you must understand! It must always be given freely and without reserve! Many will wonder at my attraction. They will believe you a slave to my passions. Although I do admit to passion, for you stir that in me, I want nothing but your willingness, in it. This is imperative! It will require your vigilance. What road we will travel together remains to be seen. Allow me to share myself with you; my age will add to your knowledge and your youth will keep my mind agile. There is much we can bring to each other!"

His words confirmed my thoughts that Hadrian had plans for me. I realized that it was becoming more difficult to remain eclipsed by his shadow. In my mind I beheld the fleeting image of Icharus as he strove to fly closer to the sun.

Chapter Seventeen

On The Via Tiburnia Winter 127-128 A.D.

The month of November was highlighted by a surprise celebration of my birthday. Hadrian suggested that I plan several days at Salvus' villa for the event, but had not told me that numerous friends had also been invited. On the evening of arrival, as we entered the hall to dine, the surprise was exposed and I was overjoyed. Among the guests were a few of the boys from the paedagogium with whom I had maintained contact. Filiniana was there in the company of Gracchus.

I was charmed observing Hadrian's pleasure in having done this for me. He gave me a gift, a miniature model of the part of his villa that was still under construction which held the building in which my quarters were to be housed. He told me he expected the work to be completed by the beginning of the new year. The model had a hinged roof that could be lifted to expose the interior, showing a marvel of tiled floors and wonderful mosaics on the walls. The tiny furnishings had been beautifully crafted, and it brought tears to my eyes. His delight was matched by my own. Although a simple man in his personal needs, Hadrian took pains in the manner in which he expressed his emotion to others. He was sometimes excessive. In effect, I now possessed my own residence.

The following two months were ones in which our spirit and joy for each other were expressed with gifts. In cold December he warmed my heart with a beautiful love poem inscribed on the softest doeskin, tied with a gold clasp set with precious stones. It was Saturnalia, a time of gift-giving, and we celebrated all the happiness and joy associated with the season. In keeping with Hadrian's motif of miniatures and models, I gave him a sardonyx. Upon its surface I had carved a fine portrait of myself, a work well executed by an artisan recommended by Salvus. This gem showed my likeness attired in a chlamys, carrying a walking-staff on my left shoulder. It was meant to represent the activity I loved most, roaming the countryside and byways surrounding Rome.

Hadrian became so fond of this gem that he seldom was without it and often would hold it in his hand as he went about his daily business. It exists still, having come down through the centuries in the possession of many. But this gift of love is now lost to historians and collectors, and it is carefully guarded by its owner who has knowledge of its history and meaning. It has survived as my love survives, in spite of the trials suffered near the end.

The month of January was marked by games in commemoration of his day of birth. A full week was given to shows in the amphitheater, where the great colossus stood. There were readings of poetry at the temples of Campus Martius and recitals of sagas as well as contests of strength in the genre of the Greek games. The Emperor dispensed coins and food to the public. The entire proceedings were paid for by him as was the custom. Never have so many received so much and complained so loudly over so little! The inhabitants of Rome were well supplied, even spoiled in the amount of festival time they were given to celebrate. The average working Roman spent little more than half the year in toil. The remainder of his time was passed at numerous official and unofficial celebrations. But still they seemed disgruntled and continuously on the verge of revolt. This was the underlying feeling even in the best of times such as the years of Hadrian's reign.

For my part I chose to attend the plays and avoid the ravages and carnage so necessary to keep the plebes content. With the celebrations over and the city back to work, Hadrian quickly dispensed with duties and took several days in the countryside to rest. It was my first journey to his villa and I was anxious to see my belated gift.

We rode through cultivated lowlands toward the Sabine Hills, some still topped with snow. My mare, Catapult, had been brought from Villa Pacé and now, well trained and as gentle with me as I could expect, she gave me a sense of exhilaration as I rode her.

The crisp air made my ears ache. The countryside smelled of smoke from the burning farm brush, and a layer of it floated slightly above ground level, like a lace mantle. The colors of winter had their own charm, not unlike those of my own country. A leaden-gray sky threatened rain. We rode swiftly in hopes of reaching shelter before the skies opened, pressed by fast approaching storm clouds. Our breath exhaled as vapor in the cold air, and we munched on chestnuts which had been roasted and kept warm in skins at our sides.

Hadrian brought us to a stop at a small roadside inn. He was in the merriest of moods and his spirit was infectious as we drank mulled wine and chewed slices of cured venison. He bantered with the inn-keeper and I saw by the informality, that he had stopped here many times before. I thought myself the happiest of mortals and I overflowed with the same kind of merriment. In the company of soldiers and a small retinue of clerks, I found myself an equal to anyone of them, joining the singing and drinking as though we were just a band of fellows making merry.

We rode through portions of the countryside opened to pits being worked for the marble content. Much of Rome had come from the quarries in this area. One could see by the terrain, a rocky and mountainous area as we went further west, that it was a country rich in soil and stone. Parts through which we rode seemed primitive and untouched. Cascades spilled over high falls into gorges, filling the air with the sound of the powerful run-off. The trees, mostly conifers, clung precariously against steep and rocky cliffs, watered by the mist sent skyward from the turbulence below.

I saw the majestic forms of the villa from a distance.  On the side of a gently sloping hill it looked like a small village, albeit one of grand style. It was obvious by its expanse of construction, just how grand was his vision. There were buildings and various structures which I assumed to be temples and shrines, partially completed. I saw ponds, pools, and a magnificent shallow lake that reflected its surroundings like a mirror. This was the site of which he had spoken, the place near which I was to have my residence. I looked to where he pointed, beyond a copse of cedars and saw a small compound, a villa unto itself, beautifully landscaped. It was a blend of lines that made it appear fluid as though the stones had been put into motion then stopped when they had attained the desired contours, preserving a harmony with the flow of the hills and valleys of the area.

There was such a prevailing sense of peace about the place that I wondered why he had not come more often or brought me there before. After some time, I came to see just how many slaves, civil servants, soldiers and a variety of others were necessary for the proper function of what was, essentially, the second palace. Although much of the activity was conducted below ground through a system of tunnels, it was not the peaceful and reclusive environment found at Salvus' villa!

I remembered his earlier caution about our need for discretion. The fact that we were here together seemed to mark a new phase in our relationship. It was a public acknowledgment of my being! The Praetorian Guards who accompanied us, and who always accompanied the Emperor, broke away for their own quarters and we were left alone.

I followed him as he rode slowly, following the lanes that led about a maze of paths, each obviously planned to bring the wanderer into gardens or enclosures within which were a multitude of fountains, cascades such as we had seen along the Via Tiburnia, and shrines dedicated to various gods, many of which were Greek. It was a place of fantasy peopled by forceful and graceful figures that stood guard along the paths; many hidden among the trees and shrubbery, these statues of white and pink marble seemed to be everywhere.

Hadrian turned to see my reaction to his beautiful dream, and saw that I was in awe. He reined Borysthenes and waited for me to come along side and take his outstretched hand.

"You like it?" He asked, the question seeming so simple, as though asked by a little child finished with a lesson well performed and seeking approval. I had to smile.

"How could I not like it, my Lord. It is magnificent! It is a dreamland set amid countryside formed by the gods.

He looked at me with a startled expression.

"Have I said something to offend you?

Hadrian nodded negatively as he squeezed my hand. The glove I wore absorbed what otherwise would have been a painful hold. His emotions shook him.

"You have mouthed the very thought I held in my own mind when I first saw these hills, ten years ago. I decided to purchase this land for my dreams. I too, was struck by the beauty and simplicity here. Being with you, now, this beauty is enhanced by your own. It is where you truly belong. Come my sweet, I see how you shiver. You are cold. A fire awaits you at your home."

In the following months much of my time was to be spent between Villa Adriana and Villa Pacé. I returned to the Palatine only when necessary. Sometimes it was on Hadrian's request under the guise of his needing my help for some project. I often acted as a courier with messages, even though he relied mostly on his aids, my presence was a comfort to him. But unless in journey, I chose to remain at the villa. By this time it had become public knowledge that the Emperor was keeping steady company with a young Greek. I felt the less I was seen in Rome, the better for each of us. It was not his outlook or his choice. He left that up to me. In fact whenever we were together at a public function in the city, he took particular care to have me close, as though he were announcing my presence and challenging anyone to object.

I paid heed to those around me who gave me consul. Salvus often advised me through Gracchus. He was of great service to me and I respected him. Also at my side was Antipas, my tutor. Surrounded by these people who loved us and sought to protect us, I still felt the pull of influence from those who continued to use me as an ear to the Emperor.

My own apartment at Villa Adriana became a nest in which I escaped the noises and bustle of Rome. At first, the city had been a wonderful and exotic place in which I could indulge my senses, but it soon ceased to be so. My decision to stay at Tibur was one made only after the suggestion was voiced by Hadrian. He knew how discontent I felt. He was also aware of the insults being directed at me for my position in our relationship, and he wanted to spare me as much pain as possible. Tibur was not so far away that, given a bout of loneliness, either of us could travel to the other.  Sabina offered no objection when told that my services would no longer be available to her. In fact, she sent word that she wished me well. I suppose in a way, being out of Rome was being out of mind!

Days were spent in studies during the morning hours. Each day Antipas had lessons prepared. We read poets and philosophers, mathematicians and mystics. He had knowledge of rhetoric and trained me for those times when I would come to hold my own in conversations of the court.

At mid-day I would mount Catapult and ride into the countryside, having been instructed never to ride alone. Each time I went outside the villa I was accompanied by one of the Praetorians. There were several with which I grew friendly, but there always remained a defined separation between us. For two hours we would ride, seeking new places not seen before.  I came to know the territory for miles, like the palm of my hand. I would then spend time walking the mare, combing her out, then feed her. After a small meal, I set aside another hour's time for personal correspondence. I did not let a week pass without writing to my mother. I was informed by her that they had received a large sum of money from the Emperor, to be used in their retirement.

Mother understood my role in the imperial association. She withheld all traces of criticism and often told me how pleased she was that I was well and in good hands.  My father's silence was a continued reminder of his initial resistance. He somehow looked at my departure as an abandonment of them. Hadrian sent invitations for them to visit and each time, they refused.

I responded to let her know we were about to embark on a tour of the Eastern Provinces. The Emperor planned to come to Claudiopolis, and I would therefore see them again. But it was not so fated. How little I knew in the days of my youth, of her daily pain for my absence. I shall exist through eternity with two monumental heart aches; that I did not share glory withmy mother, and by my final show of love, brought Hadrian eight years of deep sadness and pain.

I shall never know what might otherwise have been!

Chapter Eighteen

Distant Thunder

He had risen to the throne with none of the turmoil that had once accompanied such elevations in the past. History was marked with blood baths of such transitions and they were easily forgotten so that his ascension could not be appreciated for its temperance. Expecting the drastic measures taken by his Praetorian Prefect to rid the Senate of suspected potential insurrectionists at the start of his reign, the ten years that followed were ones marked by prosperity, calm in the provinces, and an ever increasing order given to the business of government.

Hadrian initiated policies which streamlined the law. He swept out all freedmen from the secretariat positions and allowed them to equestrians only. The old requirement that some military service with the legions should be a preliminary to public service was greatly modified. He realized that efficiency demanded a degree of specialization and in appointing to various important posts, he was willing to waive military qualifications.

The ship of state sailed on calm waters. Only the rumors of some dissatisfaction among certain groups of Jews regarding the Emperor's insistence on a unified empire tainted an otherwise peaceful period. Certain factions in Israel resisted Roman rule. Certain others broke from their traditional Jewish heritage and sought to establish other sects based on the belief of their scriptures that they would be liberated and Rome would be brought down by a "messiah".  Vespasian had waged a pitted battle against a particularly aggressive group of zealots at Masada. All had chosen suicide rather than surrender. Hadrian had sought to allow all, their own choice of gods, thereby reducing the reasons for revolt. But the Jews would not have it. They constantly initiated discord and agitation to the extent that it could not be ignored.

Aside from the Jewish flea, the empire was more stable and he was not above pride in realizing that his efforts were proving his abilities. Titles from the Senate and the provinces were showered on him. Those coming from Greece were the most prized. He had been named "Archon" because of the infusion of new life that had been brought to that ancient land. He was hailed by many as the "New Dionysos" and "The New Herakles". With such profound success Hadrian saw within himself a power and energy that, to him, could only come from the gods. It was not without precedent that those in the past who had come to the throne had come to be hailed as gods themselves!

Through extensive travels he made himself available to his subjects and his obvious generosity endeared him to all. He was most happy when traveling, seeing  as much of the domain he time would allow. A creature of unrest, he tired of the Palatine and its ties to the throne. Thus, he gave intense attention to those whom he chose to surrounded him for counsel. The ring of amici was small; a select few who had been carefully screened for their knowledge, ability, influence, and loyalty. Acilius Attianus, Niratius Priscus, Salvus Julianus, Marcius Turbo, his great nephew Pedanius

Fuscus, the Caesernii Brothers, and his favorite, Lucius Ceionius Commodus; all shared in his fame and felt the weight of his demands.

I watched these men from my vantage, and saw them sometimes falter under the responsibility of their connection to Hadrian. He could be as gentle with them as a lover is to his beloved. He could also turn a lashing tongue against them for some mistake, oversight, or weakness. His moods were unpredictable. In the course of our early relationship, he was always patient and understanding. This, perhaps more than anything, was an ever-occurring aggravation to Lucius Commodus. Lucius took particular offense to Hadrian's gift of the little apartment at his villa. It mattered not that he had been the recipient of Hadrian's generosity for years, often receiving huge sums to bail him out of debts incurred by his flamboyant lifestyle.

For weeks, Hadrian talked about his hope of returning to the East. His soul, never at peace in Rome, yearned for the rocky coast of Attica and the mysterious allure of Alexandria. I could see his restlessness increase with each day that passed. It had been almost a year since he had returned from Greece and he ached to see its acropolis, to walk along the banks of the Ilissos and smell the fragrances of flowered hillsides blending with the Aegean breezes. He was also curious about the progress of the great Temple of Olympion Zeus, resurrected from antiquity by his own funding of the cost of its completion. It had been started by Peisistratos some time before 550 BC. and left unfinished. After seven hundred years, Hadrian intended to give it its rightful birth.  I was not difficult to understand why he felt deeply rooted ties to that nation, having received his early education there. I noted the longing in his eyes, almost brining tears to mine, as he spoke of his plans to infuse the city of Socrates and Plato with new blood, and became charged with his zeal.

I recall a conversation that occurred one afternoon as we rode along the eastern hills bordering his estate. Hadrian had come from Rome that morning, having made the journey in a matter of hours to take the opportunity of an unseasonably warm February day. By his smile and the look in his eyes, I could see that the weather had not been the sole reason for his visit. We embraced each other and I knew that before anything else, we would make love. After giving in to our passions we quickly saddled Borysthenes and Catapult and made for the countryside, to a field where he had planted a new strain of grapes that he wanted to inspect.

The sun, at its peak, warmed the air and took away the crisp chill that had edged it earlier. It was wonderful to be out as I had spent much time indoors and the only exercise I had had were the walks I took with Antipas and the wrestling I did with some of the Praetorians with whom I had become friendly. The winter had made me flabby and I yearned to shed my woolens and don the pallium.

We rode side by side, each filled with the delight of being together again. I took note of his face having become sallow. There were signs of fatigue I had not seen before. His eyes, usually so piercing and alert, now seemed to lack their customary luster.

"Are you well, Lord?"

Hadrian had anticipated my question, sensing my concern.

"I am tired and there is no reason for me to be so. My schedule has not been excessive. The few hours that I am able to sleep have been, of late, wrought with dreams that disturb me."

He looked behind to see the distance between ourselves and the Praetorian guards, as though he did not want to be overheard.

"Three times I have dreamed of fields lying fallow. In the distance I could hear the sounds of wailing women, crying for their dying children, and I could do nothing. I suffered their eyes upon me as though I were the source of the disaster and their misery. This sign disturbs me, Antinoos. Already there is talk of trouble in Egypt, should the Nile not run its bank. It has not been a wet winter, as has been so these past several years, and there is fear. They hold me responsible."

"But how could you be held responsible so such things?"

He smiled, but there was little mirth in his expression.

"The Egyptians are a superstitious people, quick to lay responsibility on the shoulders of their gods. As Emperor, I am considered as such. They look to me to intercede against this five-year drought that has plagued them. It has forced me to look elsewhere for the grain that, in the past, has come from their fields to feed our Roman bellies. The provinces that have supplied us have done so at their loss, and we cannot continue to expect it from them. I must find another source, if Egypt continues with her lack of rain.

"You intend to go there?"

He would not remain in Rome during such a crisis, unable to let his appointed legate bear the brunt of the Egyptians' ire.

"I intend to go and do my best to reassure the people. I will also go to Syria and Greece. It will be an extensive journey! Are you willing to accompany me?"

In the previous talks of these excursions he had never mentioned my joining him. I had not pressed the question. I had hoped to be invited but had decided not to ask and thereby place him in a position of having to deny me if it did not fit his plans.

With the offer made and the question answered, I had all I could do to contain my excitement.

"Dearest Hadrian..." I said, having him believe that my tears were the result of the wind blowing against us as we rode. "... I believe myself capable of plotting to hide myself among the baggage of your caravan, to be with you. Truly I have ached to hear these words. It would be difficult to remain behind and face the loneliness of your absence for so long a time!"

Hadrian reined Borysthenes and dismounted. He raised his arms as I slipped from the saddle, into them. He took no heed of the guards. Our love was becoming too deep to hide.

"Antinoos, do you know how much I love never to ask for anything for yourself. I have peace, when I am with you. I too, could not think of this journey without your face to keep me daily company. I withheld from asking you to come until now because I wanted to be sure of the journey's actuality, and to discuss the matter with Sabina."

Hadrian saw my surprised expression, and laughed.

"Oh yes, we do talk about such matters. She will be in the Imperial party and it was necessary to speak to her about you, so no misunderstanding would arise. To my surprise," he said as he lifted me in his powerful arms and swung me around in a circle, "Sabina approved and informed me that it has been some time since I have been as cordial to her as I have been, of late. She attributes my good humor to the happiness I have found with you. She likes you, boy!"

"I am truly blessed," I said, bending close to kiss him on the lips.

"You'll he happy to know that someone else will be with you.”

The wink in his eye gave name enough.

"Filiniana?"

"Yes," he said, chucking me under the chin. "That girl misses you and was bold enough to tell me so. And why wouldn't she be starved for you, having tasted you pleasures! I sympathize with her, knowing the loneliness of an empty bed."

Hadrian had shown his love, and told me of his affection, but suddenly this declaration of desire caused me to blush with pride.

"Such is my fervor for you, little Bithynian. Yet, be assured that I have no objection to your relationship with this girl. I understand it. For now and the next few years, I have you to myself! Once you reach manhood, you will move on to other things as customs prescribe, and this Filiniana may well be there for you.

"In two days time a small party of the court will arrive here for a meeting to lay plans for the Eastern Journey. Until then, you belong to me!"

I wanted to laugh and dance all at the same time, and did so, grabbing his cape and encircling him with it so that he became entangled in it.

"Then you will not be returning to Rome, tonight?"

I had assumed that he would depart after the evening meal, as he had done before.

"Poor little Greek, you'll have to put up with me for three days."

"I would have you with me forever, Lord."

"How little you know of life, Antinoos! A time will come when you would have me away from you and be pleased for the space. The excitement of new-found love dulls the wits, and much of what we would never think to do or say, we do without thought."

"And will you want me to be somewhere else, as well?"

Hadrian seemed to take some time to think, then sighed and put his arm around me, turning me to him.

"Let us enjoy the time that the gods allow, Antinoos. They are fickled, and often take away that which they have given us to treasure. We have been brought together for a purpose. Let me love you, in my way. I will not betray you!"

His reassuring words put me in a less worrisome mood, and I felt like riding again, wanting to feel the speed of the run.

"Come," I said, leaping onto Catapult. "See if her sire is her superior!"

I raced toward the hills with Hadrian in pursuit. We rode like this for some time. Each time he would gain on me, I would give Catapult more freedom. She soon caught my spirit and ran like the wind, surprising me with her gait and speed.

I failed to look back, thinking only of keeping ahead. When I became aware that I could not hear Hadrian behind me, I looked to see where he was. Panic wracked me as I saw Borysthenes without rider, standing near the prostrate Hadrian, a Praetorian guard kneeling at his side. With my heart threatening to burst as it pounded against my chest, I rode back and this time, Catapult could not seem to gallop fast enough.

When I reached him, I saw the blood flowing from his nose and mouth; so much blood! his cloak and tunic were saturated with it. The Praetorian had balled a cloth and was holding it to the Emperor's nose, trying to stop the flow. Hadrian's face was deathly pale.

"Antinoos, ride and bring Marulla."

His words were spoken through the pool of blood in his throat, and the effort  caused him to spurt forth more.

The Praetorian shook me. "Get going, boy!"

With as much control as I could gain over myself, I tried to keep my mind from racing with the thoughts that filled my head. I rode wildly back to the villa for Marulla, the physician who was in permanent residence at Villa Adriana.

I am amazed at how certain events can alter the perception of time and space. To this day I see myself as I did then, driving Catapult to her limit and yet, seemingly passing through the air as though it were as thick as cold honey, moving in a slow motion, each second having the feel of time unmoving. I finally located Marulla. It seemed he took forever to find his cloak and horse. I was so anxious to get him started that I wanted to push him along or slap his face to get reaction. We rode as fast as the old man could move and reached Hadrian half an hour after I had left.

When we arrived at the place he had fallen, I found him still lying there, holding the now saturated cloth to his face. His eyes were closed and when he heard me call his name, he opened them. I will never forget the forlorn look in those eyes! They spoke of a deep fear which seemed totally unnatural to him. My fears had been his own.

Marulla took his saddlebag and pushed the Praetorian aside as he set to do what he could to stop the flow. He mixed a concoction in which he soaked a twisted piece of batting and stuffed some of it in each of Hadrian's nostrils. He looked into the Emperor's mouth and inspected his chest after taking a knife to cut away part of his tunic.

"He has no broken bones," Marulla said, turning to speak to me. "Did he fall?"

"I was ahead," I heard myself saying, sounding as though I were being accused of causing the accident, which of course I felt I had. "I'm not sure what happened."

"He just suddenly fell from the mount," the Praetorian explained. "I was a short distance behind and I saw him slow the horse, then lean to one side. There he fell."

Hadrian breathed heavily. I had reached for his hand and held it tightly. I felt him squeeze it twice. He tried to sit up, but Marulla gently held him back.

"No my Lord, you must lie quietly until this bleeding stops! Guard, return for help and bring back a stretcher. He will need to be carried back."

Hadrian had suffered a hemorrhage. By the time we arrived at the villa the bleeding had stopped. He had lost much blood. It had been the second time in four days, it had happened. The first bleeding had lasted onlya few minutes and he had treated it himself without advising his physician. Marulla asked many questions and I felt that not all his answers were truthful ones. When asked if Hadrian had felt chest pains, he responded that he had not. But I recalled two times when he had, in the act of our lovemaking, put his hand to his heart as though it were painful. His face had shown considerable discomfort and when I asked him about it, he had ascribed the problem to the gas of a bad meal.

With great relief, I watched his color return during the following two days so that, by the time the expected party arrived, he was walking about and looking no worse for the experience. All who had witnessed the affair were sworn to secrecy. I was instructed by him to mention it to no one. That night, as I held him close as though out of fear of having him torn from my arms, I became filled with the sensation that each moment I was allotted with him was one deducted from a ledger kept by the gods. This made me keenly aware that each word, each movement, each touch was something to be cherished and held sacred.

I felt the warmth of his lips on mine and tasted the blood, as though his lips were as they had been that afternoon. I looked into his eyes and burned into my memory every line of his face. I wanted him permanently in my brain. I tasted him, relishing each place to which I put my lips. I opened every pore of my body to assimilate as much of him as I could. My love, still premature, was already boundless and so profound this night that it was as a fire consuming me. Lying beside him as he slept, I remembered my thoughts that afternoon as I had prayed for help, hoping the gods would take my life as an offering, in place of his.

A voice filled with anguish penetrated my sleep and I awoke with a start, realizing the sound was coming from Hadrian. He was in the throes of some nightmare. I sat up and took him by the shoulders, gentling shaking him from the dream into consciousness.

Hadrian opened his eyes and for a moment he knew not where he was, looking confused. I held him to me and he clasped me close as though this would prevent his relapsing into the terror he had escaped.

"Was it the same," I asked, remembering the dream he had related that afternoon.

"The same," he answered, his tone telling me just how desperately he felt enslaved by the vision. "But this time, it was worst."

Hadrian clung to me so tightly that I could feel his fingernails digging into my flesh; his body drenched with perspiration.

"They were there..., thousands of them..., women, all clinging to the corpses of their children..., the babies, little but bones covered with thin flesh..., mothers whose breasts were empty of milk needed..., eyes reflecting a hatred for my being the cause of their desperation. Antinoos, it was terrible! I watched as one woman began to eat her own child..., a fiendish sight..., a terrible thing!"

He moved to arm's length from me, taking my head between both hands and drilling me with his eyes as though, if he looked deeply enough into me he would find an answer. His words were filled with passion.

"She consumed the thing she loved the most dearly!" He was close to tears.

"The priests might be able to divine more of this dream and its connection to Egypt," I suggested.

He seemed in a faraway place within his own mind.

"There is more in this evil thing to which Egypt is answerable I do not know the answer, but sense something terrible is being foretold to me by the gods. They speak and I must give ear and somehow find a way to avoid the actualization of these premonitions.”

I wondered to what degree these dreams might be connected with his bleeding. Knowing it would be a long day on the morrow, his rest was foremost in my mind. I induced him to lie down and with our sides touching and his head rested on my shoulder as I held him he closed his eyes and returned to sleep. He remained quiet until sunup.

Although I looked forward to seeing Gracchus after several weeks apart, I could not get my mind from being preoccupied with concern for Hadrian's emotional and mental state. I had stayed close to him and during the two days alone, had done little but walk and talk. I was able to induce him to early sleep, and late awakenings and this seemed to relax him as long as I was beside him.

One morning, in the early hours, I had left him briefly to relieve myself. Walking through the still-wet grasses, with a cool mist rising and drifting about my ankles, I was taken by the beauty of the moment. Loosing tract of time, I stayed for some while watching the first light break above the distant hills. From the vantage of the terrace outside his bed chamber, I saw the valley still blanketed in a fog that curled up and lapped the mountain sides far in the distance. Only the flowing of a nearby stream intruded in the stillness. The morning silence was cut by the sound of his voice calling my name. I went to him and found him again wet with sweat, breathing heavily, worried because he had found me gone. In his arms again, I heard his breathing calm and soon we were both asleep.

When I awoke, he had already risen and I found him sitting by the window working at some papers, his head held in his hand, deep in thought. I lay still so not to disturb him until he looked up and saw me waiting.

Hadrian's usual greeting would have been a smile and a sharp slap to my naked rump. But this morning, he came to me and sat on the edge of the couch, letting his hand rest on my thigh. I reached and took it in my own.

"You look better today," I said, trying to lift his spirit. Some of the color had returned to his cheeks.

"Will you come with me and bathe before the others arrive," he asked. "I did not tell you yesterday, but Lucius Commodus will be among the party. I know it does not please you and that he is a thorn in your side through his obstinacy, but Lucius is a good man and a great help to me. Please be patient with him. I love you both, and it disturbs me to see this uneasiness between you."

"I will make every effort not to cross his way," I assured him. I would in fact, try to stay out of his path as much as possible.

Rome was less than three hours by horseback. His Counsels arrived early, having escaped the city before the early-morning throngs could make the street impassable.  With reiterated instruction not to mention his recent health to anyone, I felt that the thing would give itself away by the imposed restriction. I was not skilled at deceit.

Hadrian seemed to feel better after our bath.

His spirits improved and he was almost his usual self when he greeted the party as they arrived. I stood beside him while his counsels filed past to pay their respect. My eyes fell on Commodus, who was also watching me. I could sense that we each wondered how it would go between us. Although having vowed not to provoke him, I had no intention of allowing him to use me as he had in the past.

After Hadrian and Lucius exchanged words, Commodus passed me and before he could move away, I extended my hand and bowed.

"I wish you health, sir. I trust you had a pleasant ride this morning?"

Lucius returned my greeting by taking my hand. His eyes looked fiercely into mine and we stared at each other for a moment. I was sure it was his test to see if I would show intimidation. I did not.

"Well, Antinoos, you have found yourself a more secluded environment than the one you disliked in Rome. The villa pleases you?"

I was unsure if Lucius was asking about my reaction to Villa Adriana or to the one given to me by the Emperor. I was surprised to hear him use my name,
as he had always referred to me as "Bithynian" or "Greek".

"I could ask for no more," I answered. "My Lord returns my love with generosity and kindness beyond expectation. I am grateful to him, and grateful to his friends who take joy in his happiness."

With that I bowed again and stepped back to let him pass. When all was finished, we were served refreshments. As Hadrian moved through the group with less formality, I made my way to where Gracchus had seated himself by a brazier. We hugged, and it pleased me that he appeared as happy to see me as I was, to see him. We sat together and nibbled from a plate I had brought with me.

"You look like country life agrees with you," he said, pinching my side, seeing that I had gained weight.

"But the Emperor looks tired. I think the city is taking its toll. He is not one to remain in one place for very long. I think these plans for leaving will make a difference in him."

Keeping my promise of secrecy, I said nothing of the recent event.

"Indeed! I noticed the same pallor when he arrived. But he looks better this morning. Sleep and rest helped soothe him."

Gracchus laughed and looked at me in a sly fashion.

"Sleep? I suspect that sleep was an afterthought, if indeed you allowed him any!"

"Gracchus," I half-heatedly objected. "You make me sound as though I were over-sexed. I do think of other things!"

"Indeed...," he continued laughing and pinching me again. "...you think about when you will next get to him and what will be your next meal. Be careful, Antinoos. You'll begin to develop breasts if you put on more weight and keep playing the part you take."

I laughed with him and took no offense at his humor.

"But I've just rid myself of them no more than a year ago and have taken to developing other things," I said, discreetly cupping myself between the legs to show
him what I meant.

Gracchus took the hem of my chiton and quickly lifted it to look.

"Indeed you have!" He said, winking with admiration.

When the meal finished we followed Hadrian into a room whose walls were lined with charts and maps. It was an unusual room, one of the Emperor's unique designs. It had no corners and was all curves and arcs. The party was surrounded by illustrations of all the provinces of the Empire, and of lands which were not Rome's. On these maps were shown the locations of legions and their designations and places which were considered potential trouble-spots. All Rome's highways were represented and the sea routes used for trade and warfare were painted in colors corresponding to their country of origin.

Having taken a position behind the Emperor's couch; several had been placed in a circle to accommodate all, I studied the walls to find my homeland. I located the Hellespont and followed the coast north-eastward to the region of Bithynia and to the city of Claudiopolis. I felt an urge to go to it and touch the spot, but held my place.

"There are several issues I wish to present and discuss with you," Hadrian said as he was handed a sheaf of notes by his secretary.

"Before we begin with the original purpose of this gathering, which is to lay plans for a journey of some months duration to begin in the Spring, I wish to announce that I have received word from my engineers in Britannia. The final section of the wall is complete and we hope this will eliminate further problems with those troublesome Caledonians.

He pointed to the corresponding map and an aid indicated the stretch of land covered by this wall, a considerable distance that ran from coast to coast.

Hadrian faced Salvus.

"As you all know, we have two prominent jurists with us. Each has proven his worth to us beyond my expectations. I have serious work for each of you in the coming months."

He addressed Niratius Priscus.

"I will need guidance with much of what I intend to do in the provinces, and for that I call on you, Niratius. You will accompany me on this journey and lend your expertise, as we will encounter complex regional issues which must come into alignment without provincial policies. It is my intention to allow the local governments as much autonomy as possible and still create cohesive, generalized control.

"I shall miss your company, Salvus. We have discussed this several times before and you have agreed to take on the charge."

Hadrian rose and took a scroll handed him. He let it unroll until it hit the floor, where it continued for some distance. It was filled with script. Returning to his place, he continued.

"Those are just a few of the existing edictum perpetuum which jurists must turn to for guidance when they are not writing their own findings. As you well know, they differ from place to place and from time to time. Our empire is too complex and our citizens too befuddled by these many laws. Little good comes from such varied and often conflicting legislation.

"I have decided to review all that exists of these edicts. Rome has come to be known for its deep-seated instincts for justice. We must insure by any way we can that this justice is a reality!

"I have entrusted the labor of codifying this plethora of laws into a single source from which all further legal findings will take precedent, to Salvus Julianus. It is a monumental task but I have utmost confidence in his ability to meet it. He will remain in Rome and take the time he needs and whatever services he requires to bring this task to fruition. I charge that he should receive full support."

Salvus stood and bowed his acceptance of Hadrian's wishes. I watched Gracchus and saw the disappointment in his face at the knowledge that they were not to be included in the journey. Apparently Salvus had not spoken of the matter to him, likely waiting until it was made public by the Emperor.

This meant that we would be separated and that another friend was to be removed from me, at least for a time. My feelings were mixed. I would miss him and be lonely for his friendship and company.

Chapter Nineteen

Becoming More, Late Winter 128 A.D.

Hadrian turned to Marcius Turbo, his long-time friend and Prefect of the Guard. In years to come, this man would feel the sting of the Emperor's failing faculties, as would many others. But at the time, Turbo was most trusted and a powerful influence with the army,

"Marcius, to you goes the responsibility of keeping secure the seat of my authority in my absence. We have a well disciplined force here in Rome, and my concern is that the same discipline is maintained throughout our empire. It is one of two reasons for the decision to make the journey. I wish to inspect the troops in the provinces. To show my person and review the forces will instill renewed morale. Some time has passed since we have been engaged in warfare and it is coming to my attention that conditions in many outposts are becoming lax.

"There are forces now at work which could erupt suddenly and confrontations or revolts could have serious results if the army is not ready."

Priscus raised his voice to interject some feelings he had regarding certain religious factions to which Hadrian had alluded, as possible sources of trouble.

"We have in our midst right here in Rome, those who are advocating open resistance to the authority of your word, Lord. We need not look to the troublesome Jews of Alexandria for voices which test the throne. Rome has its share of miscreants who agitate and find displeasure, to obtain their own ends. To be silent is to give them license. They grow stronger and more virulent with each eruption or demonstration that is ignored. These Zealots insist on their own ways and should be made to bend to the authority of the Empire."

Hadrian listened attentively. I could see that he felt strongly about the subject. His brow was furrowed and the veins at his temples belied his attempted calm.

"To move forcefully without outright provocation, my dear Marcius, would be an invitation to riot. We have seen the effects of oppression in the past. My predecessors spilled much blood and taxed the coffers of the state with their exploits in Judaea. Masada was an exercise in waste. We must avoid repeating our errors.

"Their leaders speak loudly and it is because they enjoy the sound of their own voices. They advocate all manner of obedience to their own authority and to their god without having the concept or practice in obedience, itself. Let them speak! Even as they do, their ranks are fissured with factions seeking their own aims. They fight among themselves and as long as that occurs, we are not the object of their wrath. This business has much to do with internal power, and little to do with religious beliefs.

"Let their teachers teach. Philosophers are seldom as courageous in their practices as in their preaching. Let them substitute deeds for words and teach the truth! Until that happens, they open themselves to be discovered for the charlatans that they are.

"And as for these Christians, I do not admire the simplicity of life which they embrace, although I do admire simplicity. For they embrace their natural lot, and there is no praise to be given for giving up nothing! As for their leaders, I find those who embrace these beliefs and continue to cherish their material holdings, foolish. These Christians seem fond of comparing the Nazorean to a shepherd. And what glory is there in that?

"Mistake me not, Priscus. I understand that the analogy relates to the simplicity of a shepherd's life and the protection he provides to his flock. Just as the Jews whose lot it is to be despised because of their uncompromising ways, make themselves scapegoats throughout the world, these Christians who speak of peace and of loving others as they would want to be loved will come to be hated as well. They speak of love as though it was an exclusive trait, yet they will come to slaughter all who choose a different path than theirs, and they will bring down upon themselves misery and desolation!

"In truth, a shepherd takes into his fold a sheep found lost. He does not slaughter it because it is not of his own flock! These Christians will come to be as intolerant as their oppressors. They would do well to practice Roman tolerance. We have come to rule much of the world because we acknowledge that in all things, there are many means of achieving the same goals and ends. More than one path leads to Rome!"

Turbo was in agreement, and it surprised me because as an officer holding to absolute authority, I imagined he would have been in favor of silencing the insurrectionists.

"They are not a powerful lot, Lord," he said. "and as you said, as long as we can foster disagreement among them, it will help to keep them busy and entertained. It is an outlet for their hatreds. But they do bear watching!"

Hadrian assented. I could see he obtained some entertainment from the subject. He began to laugh as he spoke.

"These foolish fanatics would do better to practice their rites quietly and survive. Look how they were persecuted by Nero and Caligula. Will they ever learn? Yet they insist on flaunting insults publicly to the state and force persecution. What sanity is there in finding ecstasy by becoming dinner to a lion? They speak loudly of the practices in the circus, and yet make themselves a part of the very spectacle they so hotly denounce!

"They regale in deprivation and abstain from all of what life has to offer. Look about you and see how they inflict misery upon themselves. In truth there is something pathetic in a teaching that promotes the idea that, what we have is terribly deficient to what we will find in death. This makes all the wonders and beauties of this life second-rate. It also secures resignation."

By this time most in the circle were fully enjoying the Emperor's feigned indignation. But there was much truth in his words.

"And this obsession with continence and virginity, it makes as much sense as glorifying starvation. Food is to be eaten with relish. The issue here is not the satiation of appetites but in the attending of them when they make themselves needy. Remember the Greeks and their words above the temple at Delphi...., Everything In Moderation!

"To these poor creatures, the world is an enemy. No, Niratius, let them be. They will bring about their own extermination!"

Priscus had listened without interruption and when Hadrian was done, he made a final statement which rebuked the Emperor for his passion to Hellenize the Empire, a long-standing sore point between them.

"And our undoing, Sire, will be in the belief that the past has already revealed the best of what could be accomplished."

Hadrian took the sting without anger. He respected Priscus and allowed him liberties that others might not have enjoyed.

"What think you, Lucius, of these disruptive elements in our midst?"

Hadrian pointed a questioning finger at Commodus, who had been drinking more than a respectable amount of wine from the carafe set beside him.

"As mentioned, to be silent when accusations and resistance causes the realm instability is to license such behavior. It is a fine line between control and persecution. One tends to balance while the other only leads to make its victims martyrs and magnets to idealistic causes. A beneficial tool, I believe, would be to incorporate factious leaders into the decision-making of policy. Give them the belief that they possess some self determination. Ingratiate them with high offices of innocuous importance, thereby making them a part of the very system they once resisted. Few can reject the taste of authority when it is mixed with luxurious living!

"Rome is filled with diversions which could soon make those we introduce to them, forget their simple origins. Once tasted, there are pleasures which become impossible to give up. We have agreed that these people are creatures of excess. Why not simply point them in a different direction? It will be their undoing soon enough when their leaders stratify themselves and lose contact with the lower populace."

Commodus had spoken with authority and there was something of arrogance in his manner that made me question just how much of what he said, was reliable. In particular his opinion of excess. Could he not see this as one of his own flaws, and one which the Romans themselves possessed?

I felt compelled by the conversation, and suddenly found myself voicing an opinion without being asked. I was stunned by my act of disrespect and quickly covered my mouth with my hand, in shame. Every face had turned to look at me in disbelief. But Hadrian glanced over his shoulder at me, smiling, amused at my outburst.

"Come lad," he said, motioning me to step forward and take a place on a cushion by his feet. "Continue your thoughts. I will have no one hold his tongue if he has something of worth to say!"

I felt my face turn crimson and an intense heat across my chest. Gracchus, with a hand held to the side of his face, was laughing behind it. I glared at him, then looked about me and found everyone silent, anticipating my next word.

"I beg forgiveness, Lord. It was not my intention to interrupt with unsolicited comments."

"But now they are solicited, Antinoos. Proceed!"

It was an opportunity to finally voice some strong feelings I had regarding the very subject of excess being discussed.

"If you'll allow, my Lord. Practitioners of excess are not exclusive to the Christians or Jews. It is a fault that I have seen with Rome, itself. Perhaps I had been too insulated during my thirteen years at Claudiopolis before being brought here, through your kindness. It has been a priceless education. But for excess, I see it everywhere. All around me, I am surrounded by examples of it, in the city. Romans seem to possess a morbid passion for the unusual and the extraordinary. The games in the amphitheaters are pitiful excuses for unbridled slaughter! Citizens and slaves alike come to gape at the disemboweled corpses of those poor souls who have had the misfortune to be selected for the carnage that passes itself as sport. Unfortunately, the more sordid and base the action, the more praised and prized by the masses, and the more it entertains. In truth, I feel that common sense is made a defect and compassion for fellow humans, a weakness!

"Romans seem discontent with the experience of real life. They have a need to gorge their insatiable appetites with all manner of excess. I see no other fate for this great nation but the one brought up as meeting the sects who challenge its authority. Overindulgence will always lead to a loss of appreciation for taste and sensibility and eventually lead to decomposition. Excessively stimulated senses lose their sensitivity and abilities, and lead to blindness!"

I had spoken slowly, not wanting to make myself unclear and to assure that I did not sound profane. I knew fully that any criticism of the people in general must follow as a criticism of the state, as head.

"You'll excuse my pertinence, Lord? You did ask for my thoughts. I fear more for the harm that Rome can do to itself, than that which it may receive from these sects and groups. You are the head of as powerful empire. There is no denying the greatness of Rome. There is no denying its influence and generosity to all nations it has conquered. There is also no denying its excess."

Having ventured so much, I sat boldly, feeling great satisfaction at expressing myself clearly and fully, and expecting reproach from the counsel. How could an undistinguished upstart such as I with no knowledge of the intricacies of government presume to criticize it. Yet I felt confident in my opinions.

“And what say you to this?" The Emperor looked about the room as he directed his question.

"What the boy says has merit."

Salvus spoke directly to the Emperor.

"It cannot be denied that Rome has long been criticized by some of its most renowned poets and authors for these very traits. One only has to read the works of Suetonius and Juvenal to see that it is not only the Stoics who find a lack of simplicity in this land."

Hadrian had little use for Latin writers, thinking the Greeks superior. Salvus' statement was another reminder, although a respectful one, of the Emperor's Hellenic preoccupations.

"But all this deters from the initial question," Salvus continued. "How can we contain the threat? Making the Emperor visible is crucial. Continuing with his program of caring for those who have little, shows compassion and this earns the throne great support from those who become the crowds wielding clubs and firebrands, in revolts. His benefactions and actions have won him admiration throughout the realm. It is clear that the Emperor's intent is to allow all beliefs and manners of life-style as long as they do not directly undercut the authority and stability of the Empire. Of that, Hadrian, you have been most successful. No one can question your motives to improve the life of every Roman and inhabitant of this land.

"For this reason, your proposed journey is of great importance. It will be a thread that will sew each separate domain and region into a whole. Only those who advocate self-interests and who cannot see the future benefits of a united and cooperative realm, resist.

"As for the charges of excess, let me say that your views, Antinoos, are well taken. No one has done more to attempt the temperance of the masses, than Hadrian. It is something that must be done gradually. The Roman populace has accustomed itself to glut and over-stimulation during the reigns of earlier emperors, their own excesses became examples to the plebes, who were only too quick to adopt some of their more bizarre pastimes. The Emperor's own leanings toward a stoic way of life does not go without influence. Time is needed to change the habits of centuries."

Hadrian bowed to Salvus, thanking him for his comments.

"Though there may be merit in what the boy says...," Commodus interjected. "...perhaps inexperience should wait for time to teach the complexity of what might first appear as an easy solution; if indeed there was a solution given! Let the counsel address the issues!"

Lucius Commodus' words were curt. He had taken offense at my speaking out. Hadrian let his hand fall to my shoulder, touching me lightly with his fingers.

"Dear Lucius, let us be open to all thought. We can judge the quality and value, in retrospect. It is my wish to hear as many points of view as there are those who wish to offer them. Let us remember that this counsel works in unison, each adding his own for the benefit of the empire. Our objective in all this is to create unification throughout our lands. It is my prime reason for the journey. In numbers we have grown in strength. Our allies and those who still are not must see that our magnanimity and benevolence is available to all who wish to join us."

Commodus leaned across the table, wine-cup in hand, and addressed himself directly to Salvus in a tone intended to impose to elicit the acknowledgment of his forthcoming power.

"Ultimate responsibility for the success and survival of the Empire rests with the Emperor! Being too open to counsel and allowing the masses too much in the matter of self-government only opens the Emperor's authority to criticism. Entitlement leads to a hunger for more. Those who stand in the way of progress or who usurp the Emperor's rule must be vigorously sought out and eliminated!"

Hadrian sat quietly, listening to the one he had chosen to replace him, re-evaluating Lucius Commodus. The Emperor was not a ruler prone to mandate, but one who sought cooperation and abidance by gentle persuasion.

"You have something to say?" Hadrian had noticed my expression and recognized that I held different views. He seemed to be purposely promoting discord between us.

I addressed myself to the room, but meant my words for Lucius.

"When I was a child my mother always sought my cooperation by giving me the opportunity of choice, even if it was only an illusion at times. She asked for and considered my opinion in matters and by this was, successfully elicited my compliance."

The intent was understood. Commodus leaned on an elbow, cup in hand, a condescending smile on his lips; he spoke as though giving the final comment.

"This is an empire, not a household! We speak of ruling a multitude of antagonistic races, not a compliant child! What you propose, Antinoos, is anarchy."

"What I refer to is democracy," I responded.

"A Greek notion, as I recall," Commodus sneered. "Look at where the race is today, undisciplined and scattered to the four winds. I would choose more for Rome and the Empire than relying on a brief, past glory to set the standard!"

Commodus was about to speak again when Hadrian intervened.

"There is always something to be learned, even from unsuccessful examples.  The Greeks were simply ahead of their time. They had much to teach the world of how to raise the quality of life and elevate the spirit. Rome is the better for them.

"As for democracy, it is not the principle but the implementation that requires thought and statesmanship. A populace stifled of its ability to have its option made known will ultimately overthrow its oppressor. The quality of a ruler is judged by his openness to counsel, awareness of his realm, ability to use history as his teacher, and finally, to a commitment to place his own aggrandizement second to bringing out the best in his people."

Lucius Commodus made no response.

Hadrian's vision could inspire men. It did. I saw the same intense commitment in the eyes of those who were there that day, as I felt growing within my own breast. His words were backed with proven success. There was no reason to doubt he could not achieve his aims.

After all had left and were retired, Hadrian and I bundled to walk the haunting, moonlit paths of the nimphaeum. This circular building with Ionic portico enclosed a circular canal surrounding a little island on which stood a miniature villa. It was a place built exclusively for reflection; a sanctum he used for retreat where he could enjoy solitude for study. It was a private enclosure where he could walk and think; a beautiful sanctuary of trees and plants that gave one the feeling of isolation from the villa proper.

Since his words of the morning had been on my mind and had stimulated much thought about his ambitions, I wanted to question him further.

"You see Rome for much of the world, in the future. Your efforts require time and energy, Lord. How will you bring your vision to reality?"

Hadrian placed an arm across my shoulder and held me close to him, as I looked into eyes. His attention was focused on the Great Bear in the heavens as though he would find an answer in that constellation.

"We must unify mankind and hold that unity. Each human has individuality; each culture, its own ways. Both have their precious gifts of difference and variation. They must be valued, yet brought into the whole."

"To what purpose," I asked.

"It is to our benefit and to the freedom of all men that come together. It is in the very commerce and communication of mankind, the coming to know of the variety of thought that brings multiplicity of choice. Choice is freedom, Antinoos! As variety of choice increases so too does the freedom to choose destiny. And destiny is inevitable! When choice and ways-of-being are limited, freedom becomes stifled. Isolation is restraint, and narrowness of mind leads to imprisonment of the spirit.

"The Empire stands on the brink of achieving more greatness than it has ever experienced. Rome is the loom upon which the fabric of mankind is being woven; each thread is a tie to another nation; each warp and woof a touching and securing of individuals to a whole. Union does not restrict. Union enhances and opens the vistas of possibility of being. Remember, Antinoos that man cannot fully know himself without the remainder of mankind to give him something against which he can reflect.

"We become more than who we are through interactions with those from whom we are different. It is the contact with the new that extends our horizons. Once again I remind you of the maxim carved in stone at Delphi..., Know Thy Self. This knowledge can only be achieved through human interaction. A hermit escaping to the desert for self-reflection can only obtain a very limited insight if he excludes other men from much of his life."

Hadrian described a state in which he saw men exchanging ideas, the profit of which would make them unify for a common good. I listened, fascinated, wondering how he would bring it all about.

"The same applies to nations," Hadrian continued, seating himself. The hour was late and I could see he was not fully recovered from his attack. I was worried, knowing his fondness for work and his need for rest.

"As nations are made of men, the world is made of nations. A country that isolates itself reduces its capacity to be more. It is man’s nature to grow, Antinoos. it is a natural process that some try to impede. Those who move with growth survive to bend and flow with the current of the river of life, each person a tributary flowing into it, and in that action, sharing in its greatness."

I understood his vision. Hadrian's intent was not to conquer as had been the objective of past rulers. His hope was to create a vehicle to which all countries could contribute and share in the greatness. He sought this in every phase of his life. He tried to instill it in each decision, imperial decree and legislation. He molded it in his newly settled colonies by extending the rights of citizenship to its inhabitants. Each of his actions had as its purpose a harmonizing of humankind, for the benefit of all.

It was for this reason that he grew to despise those sects who withstood his attempts at improvement and who refused to adopt new ways. And in his later years his patience and tolerance grew weary and when provoked, he struck them down with a furor that would have been more temperate, in the earlier years of his reign.

"But power, regardless of how benign, inspires resistance. There is more to forward movement toward progress than simply giving the order for it to happen."

Hadrian stood and began to pace the walkway, his hands held behind him. His face was silhouetted in the moonlight, his profile so familiar to me, seemed made of stone like those busts secreted in cornices throughout the grounds. It seemed that he could have been Hermes come to life!

"I must lead the way and to do that effectively, I must be seen! They must hear from my own lips what lies in the future. And the army must be prepared to act, should those who differ with our plans suddenly dispute them forcefully.

"We will do much traveling, my little Bithynian..."

Hadrian stopped suddenly and turned to look at me for a long time. I sat quietly, filled with emotion for the man and for those things he aspired to achieve. Then he laughed softly, shaking his head from side to side.

"Look at you," he said, coming to me and raising me to my feet. "You've grown beyond the name of Little Bithynian, Antinoos. You have become a magnificent Greek such as those I have seen in the temples of your country. I sometimes forget the years that separate us from our first meeting. You've come to manhood!

Chapter Twenty

Interlude , Late Winter - Early Spring 128 AD.

The days that followed, at Hadrian's villa, were some of the happiest moments we shared together. The months to come would allow little time for personal pleasures; moving among the troops and catering to the idiosyncrasies of the local rulers and potentates, much energy would be expended in keeping current of politics and arranging for the day-by-day demands as the regions changed.

Long and languid days preceded our departure. Hadrian's carefully chosen circle of friends and advisors saw to it that much of the preliminary work of planning, was concluded by others so that he could enjoy some respite before his attention would be required during the final days. After meeting with the counsel, where the major strategy for the journey was developed, the gathering was discharged and all returned to Rome.

Hadrian stayed behind for four more days. He occupied a complex of buildings at Villa Adriana that covered a vast expanse of ground. The Imperial Complex was a maze of rooms, corridors, colonnades, gardens, chapels, and a wonderful terme adjacent to these quarters, that he called the Heliocamenus. This bath was grand in decor and elaborate in design. It was heated by conduits of warm air and by the sun that filtered through openings in the walls and roof. The floors were of inlaid mosaics and the walls, faced with frescoes of wonderful hues, all of it of his own design and creation.

One could find, in the most obscure places, little niches holding works of art unsurpassed in quality. The entire villa was decorated in this manner. Even after having walked the grounds for many weeks, each time I did so new treasures would reveal themselves and I would discover yet another place I had not seen. I bribed the guards many time to allow me peace to walk alone, going out to the surrounding countryside unattended. Among the hills and glades, I would come across some small sanctuary with a statue or bust of some divinity held sacred by the Emperor. These were so unobtrusive that careful planning had gone into developing the area with full respect given to the surrounding beauty. It was a wonderful blending of his creativity with the elements of nature that he obviously respected.

My own compound had once been a part of the original villa, a country place that had been handed down through the centuries, finally coming into the hands of Sabina's family. Hadrian had come to it as part of her holdings, and once seen, had proceeded to buy up all the remaining properties surrounding the estate, so that soon he owned the countryside for miles around. I saw that much had been repaired and some extension of the foundations had been completed a few weeks before I had arrived.

My villa was located east of the Imperial Compound beside the hilltop crest that overlooked the valley he named Vale Di Tempe, whose beauty reminded him of that awesome location at the foot of Mount Olympus, in Greece. The valley's sides rose sharply to the villa on one side and to the mountain slopes on the other. A river flowed nearby and local farmers and grazers used it for irrigation and drinking, the water being always cold and tasting almost sweet, it quenched the thirst like no other.

Villa Adriana was bucolic. It was so, with purpose. One could stand above the esplanade atop the building that housed the Praetorian Guards, and from this vantage, look across the entire estate and see little movement. The business of the villa was conducted through an intricate system of passageways that were located beneath ground-level. Most were footpaths connecting buildings, but some were wide enough to allow carriages and carts of supplies to pass abreast.

It was only a few moments by one of these passages, to reach the Emperor's chambers. It had been built for the express purpose of my use, and in that way, all our meetings could be private. This gave me recourse to my own quarters, should he need privacy for state business. It was kept secret and for this, he also saw it as a means of escape should escape become necessary. No ruler is ever so secure, no matter how popular and successful, that assassination is not far from his thoughts!

I recall a conversation we had one afternoon when this subject arose. He had been showing less concern for himself, and more for my own safety. We had been walking idly along a path that led through a large garden outside the grounds, one that bordered a forest, and the sinister quietude of the surroundings prompted him to imagine a sudden attack from enemies hidden in the woods.

"Habit in any form, is deadly, Antinoos. Avoid becoming so regimented in your daily behaviors that others can plan on them! Never become so habituated that your steps can be anticipated. Three days, we have walked this path at this very hour."

“Why do you tell me this, Lord?"

"Few rulers have reached their graves through natural causes. The floor of the forum is soaked with the blood of its Emperors. It is a truth that no matter how successful or well liked a ruler may be, there are enemies waiting for the moment of weakness. Only a few steps behind, there is always someone ready to step into power. I live daily with the knowledge that my time is limited and somewhere close at hand, someone likely plots my life."

"You make me frightened, Hadrian. Please do not speak this way. Truly no one would be thinking of such thoughts! You have brought peace and wealth to the nation. Why would anyone want to do such a thing?"

"The reasons are as many as the stars. Personal gain and the need for power are just a few of the reasons. But what I know for sure is that, should this happen to me, your own life would soon be in jeopardy."

Hadrian saw my reaction. I felt myself go weak as my heart pounded with the thought. I wondered why he was speaking so, and why at this time?

"You fear what I say, little Bithynian. And so you should! Listen carefully to my words. I have enemies, of that you can be sure. In whatever manner I should die, your own life would come into question. History has shown this to be true in more cases than not. There is little that you know of state secrets that would warrant this action. But as we come closer together and as our love becomes common knowledge, there are some who will assume that you have been privy to those secrets or other imagined threats. You destiny is becoming interlocked with mine, and it is necessary that I give it consideration."

It seemed so inconceivable that on such a beautiful day, one filled with the promise of an approaching Spring, a day that had dawned with our lovemaking followed by unhurried hours of languishing in the Heliocamenus, that now this mood of tenderness should turn to such a dire topic. But I understood his preoccupation with the subject of his death as the possible result of his recent illness. I understood it and fought against it all at the same time.

"It worries me that your mind is on death, dear Hadrian. On such a day as this, with the pending journey, thoughts should be given to life and living. We will be together and in this, I find great joy. I thrill with the thought of serving you in the following months and with seeing the marvels of which you have so often spoken. I can barely resist the temptation to begin packing my things. In fact I have done some little packing already!"

He burst into laughter as he studied my face and saw the excitement. Turning to face me and suddenly holding me about the waist, he lifted me into his arms.

"Oh but how you delight me, boy! Each day brings new revelation of wonder. How much I love you! It is because I love you so dearly that my mind sometimes dwells on the morbid. It is not my intention to make you uneasy with all this talk, Antinoos. I feel a responsibility to make you aware of some of the cautions which come with being close to the Emperor, and in your case, his lover also. Yours is a tenuous position. One as sensitive as my own, in many ways. You have done well by it to date. Many in your shoes would have given in to temptation and have well feathered their nests already. Your innocence and goodness may well be your most vulnerable element. My darling, be ever cautious to keep a sharp ear and eye to danger."

With these words I could see that the subject was not something new to him but one to which he had given pervious thought, and had set to planning. He continued speaking as we strolled a path that led toward the valley where the river ran. I looked behind me out of habit and saw several legionaries following, keeping a respectful distance. In the distance snow on the summit of Monte Gennaro had begun to recede, filling the River Aniene almost to its banks; a sign of the approaching Spring. I could hear the rush of water far below and felt its coldness in the air. I shivered, not knowing if it was a result of the cold or from the chill of the discussion. Always attentive to me, Hadrian pulled me close and wrapped me in his cloak.

A sensitive question crossed my mind and I was reluctant to ask it, but felt compelled to do so.

"Lord, should I fear Lucius in the manner you have cautioned?"

Hadrian smiled, but it was one of understanding and compassion.

"Well you might ask that, Antinoos. It would be a question in my own mind, if I were you. Lucius Commodus is a hard man and  one prone to quick action and compulsive behavior. He sometimes tests my own patience and makes me angry with his lack of thought and consideration. But he is a good man! It is not in his nature to do the harm you fear. No, in spite of what you think, Lucius knows how I feel about you and respects that. He might do little to help, but it would not be he who would harm you. That danger will come from the lower ranks.

"But enough of this talk. It depresses me and I can see it does the same to you. Let us enjoy the remainder of the afternoon!"

Hadrian raised an arm, and one of the Praetorians came forward with two bows.

"I have a taste for hare. Three will do nicely for the meal I have in mind to prepare for you this evening. It is a dish I learned from my father. Come, it is time to idle no longer. Let us see if we can hunt our meal!"

Hadrian took great pleasure in skinning the animals, cleaning the carcasses and adding the right spices to the meat as it cooked over an open fire. He chose the little courtyard of the maritime theater as the site. He loved to go there to retreat from the activity of the villa. I seldom attended him when he was in those moods, realizing his need to be alone. But this night, he insisted I come with him. The place was isolated from the property by a high wall and its architecture offered solitude, a sanctuary blessed with a special aura of sacredness by its purpose and design.

Braziers had been lit to ward off the nighttime. I stood by, watching as he found peace in the meal's preparation. Around us, moonlight lit the white marble and torches created dancing patterns across the arches and hollows where votive offerings and statues filledthe spaces.

We ate in silence. It was one of those times when all was said and understood without the need for words. Our closeness was language enough. In the light of the fire I looked into his eyes, feeling his love by the manner in which he returned my gaze. In these moments I became filled with overwhelming emotion. Good sense gave way to passion that would allow any manner of excess. I understood why, in matters of love, temperance takes leave to passion and logic is numbed into sleep.

With the meal finished, we sat together in an alcove protected from the cold wind that had come down from the mountains, wrapped in his woolen cloak, my head against his chest. The sound of singing and laughing voices from the Praetorian's quarters in the distance, their merriment a counterpoint to our own silence, made me feel even more secluded.

When Hadrian returned to Rome, I determined to keep my mind free from sorrow and the anticipation of my time with the lessons prepared by Antipas. Always in the forefront of my thoughts was the goal of becoming as knowledgeable as I was capable. I wanted to do him honor and earn his respect and pride. Although preoccupied with the details of state necessary, before his departure, Hadrian found time to come to me twice weekly. On my way to Salvus' villa to see Gracchus, I stopped in Rome to pay a visit to Sabina by way of asking to see Filiniana. The Empress sent for me when she was told that I was in the palace. By the tone of voice used by her messenger, I was convinced the summons had a dire objective. But my fears were soon allayed when she greeted me cordially.

"Sit yourself, boy," she pointed to a divan by the window. Sabina was being attended by her hairdresser and waived the girl away, taking notice that I had quickly looked about the room upon entering.

"You seek her? You will be with her soon enough, Antinoos. I have given her leave for the remainder of the afternoon so you can spend time together. Where are you off to, boy? Have you come expressly to see the Emperor?"

"No, my Lady. I travel to the villa of Salvus Julianus to see a friend. But I also wanted to see Filiniana."

"And no intention of seeing Hadrian?"

I thought Sabina more direct than I remembered. She was obviously steering the conversation with purpose. I felt no other choice but to answer her honestly and avoid nothing she introduced.

I nodded assent. "Yes, Lady, that was also my intention, but not sure if his schedule will allow a visit today. I do intend to try."

She laughed and walked to where I stood; leading me back to the place she had told me to sit.

"You are either very innocent of the degree of passion that this man feels for you, or feigning innocence. Which is it, boy?"

I was at a loss to answer her.

"I beg your pardon, my Lady. I do not understand."

"Come, boy!" she said, looking straight into my eyes. "You wish to tell me you do not know that Hadrian would drop his calendar at a moment's notice if he knew you were waiting?"

I bowed in embarrassment. "That would truly surprise me," I answered. "I know the Emperor has concern for the things of state and can hold his priorities. I will gladly wait until he finishes his business."

"Then there are some things you need to know..., how does he call you? Ah yes, his Little Bithynian! You are no longer so little, Antinoos. You've grown into a young man and by the looks of you; I can easily see what Hadrian admires. He always has had a weakness for a pretty face. But to find such a face on an equally beautiful body and to have such a boy posses what appears to be an acute mind. That is a find! But from your response I wonder just how acute your mind really is. Surely you are aware the Emperor is madly in love with you. I have never seen him quite so keen on anyone before. I've watched his passions, and all have quickly faded after the first or second satiation of appetite. But with you, he seems to grow more in love. You seem shocked by what I say, Antinoos"

"No Lady, not shocked as much as I am surprised by your candor. It is not a discussion I envisioned having with you."

"Indeed I expect you did not," she said, enjoying my own directness.

"But here we are, and we are having it. So let us be free with our thoughts, lad. The time is soon coming when we will be sharing him to a greater degree. You are aware that I am to accompany him on this journey. It is a function for which I am not anxious to serve, but my position as Empress leaves no choice. It is important that I be seen in his company. I too, have responsibilities to my people.

"So let us understand each other fully, Antinoos. I will tell you now that I hold no animosity toward you. In fact, I find you likable. I am in debt to you for the soothing that you have brought to his soul. In many ways he is a tortured man. Our relationship has not aided him nor has it been pleasing to me. I had hoped for much more when I was a young girl. I did not expect to be shunned as I have been. Much is said about my anger toward him. It is true that each time I see him, it is a reminder of what my life could have been, and I blame him for it. But none of that has anything to do with you.

"You were not the first boy he has loved, nor will you be the last. You are the first to capture his heart so solidly. Something about you is different from all the rest."

Sabina had not been speaking to me as much as she had been speaking her thoughts aloud in reflection. I remained silent.

"For the first time in many years there is accord between us. He even sends me greetings daily and that was something I thought impossible. Sometimes I think I see more of the old Hadrian I once briefly knew and loved.

"It is obvious that you are becoming the most prominent relationship, and the one he seems to love the most intently. Lucius Commodus was a discovery of talent that the Emperor selected for great things, and with whom he only incidentally had a physical relationship. You are someone who stands out as different from the rest. You will be feared where most were not.

"We will find conflicting courses in the months to come and I thought it best that we understood each other from the beginning. It is not the first time that I would come into conflict with one of his paramours. Each time I was able to dismiss the catamites with little more than a look, so little was their value in the scheme of things.

"With you, it is different. I believe Hadrian has found some elements of his emotions that he has never tapped, and for this I am grateful. It has made him a better Emperor and a more attentive husband, albeit the attention is minimal and it has made him more a content person within his own soul. There is much for which to thank you, Greek."

Sabina continued looking at me for the longest time and I knew not whether she was awaiting a response or simply following her thoughts further. Finally, I responded with words that had been sounding loudly within my own head.

"Lady, it has never been my intention to take from him anything he was not fully willing to give. Only recently have I been able to break from the need to hide the truth of this wonderful relationship. It seems inconceivable that a man such as he, so powerful and great, would find in me something to love as deeply as he seems. From my heart I tell you that I hold no personal gain other than to be of service to him and, by my relationship, to come to know so much more than would not have been available to me. I hold no other aspiration than to be by his side and be whatever comfort I can offer. But I tell you also that there is more to this relationship than I can understand. I feel troubled by some of it. My eyes, as they look toward the horizon of the future, see dark clouds that foretell storms."

Sabina listened silently as I spoke.

"Have you understood what that means," she asked.

"I sense that my destiny in all this, will be short-
lived. This frightens me. The Emperor is aware of it also. We have spoken of it recently. But for as much as I know that my time is numbered, as nothing is eternal, I continue to love him more deeply than I thought possible. I sense a danger and I cannot turn back. I must follow wherever the gods lead me. Even if it to a final destiny I would not chose."

Sabina came closer as her interest heightened.

"And how do you come to these perceptions?"

I felt her probing and suspected that she already was aware of my interest in the occult and the stars.

"I have not been idle, Lady. while the Emperor has been at work in Rome, I have been studying. Through his teachings and those of my grandfather, I have looked to the skies for truth. There are certain divinations which can tell the future. Although an amateur at these things, I have been able to perform some rites with enough care to see specters in the shadows of the coming times. And what I have seen makes me weary. I sense greatness in the things to come, but I also feel that there is cataclysm."

"Has Filiniana been involved in any of this," Sabina asked. "I know that she, too, has such interests and practices the art."

"No Lady, I have consulted her but once, and she denied me the information."

"And what do you make of it, boy?"

I was unsure of the purpose of her interest. I felt myself divulging too much and worried how these premonitions tied in with Hadrian's recent illness, not knowing if she had been privy to the knowledge. Because I had been sworn to secrecy, I resolved not to mention the matter.

"The Emperor does have concern for the drought in the East. It is a key reason for his going. Perhaps these impressions of mine have that as their base."

"Well," she said, changing the conversation. "I have brought you here for a purpose, Antinoos. Listen to what I tell you. I repeat that I am fond of you. I sense you have purity of heart in your dealings with him. I allow you much more than I have to those before you who shared his bed and wealth. Some of those disgusting creatures have found prudence in taking leave from him after having dealt with me. Most were simply discarded like something old, once used. But in you he sees something more.

"I allow you much, boy! It is by the effect you have on him that I judge you. And so far the effect has produced a man far more human than the one I have seen, in him. But I tell you now that I will come down against you with force if I see that you abuse your position. Hadrian is too in love and crazed with you to see clearly, I think. I have no intention of seeing him ridiculed or used, as that comes directly to bear on my own position. Do you understand?"

Her threats had been voiced in a gentle tone but there was no mistaking the absoluteness of her words. I was convinced that she was fully capable of carrying out her ends. I did feel that she liked me.

"I understand fully, my Lady. I follow my heart in what I do and ask that you give me guidance, should you see me come to bear him harm. In my deepest intentions, I will avoid ever hurting him. I am open to your counsel."

"So be it," she said with finality. "Take heed to what we have discussed here. Keep me informed of what you come to know about these premonitions of yours. Now, leave me and go to the one who waits for you. You will find her in the garden. Speak of none of this with the Emperor!"

PART THREE

Chapter Twenty One

Coming Of Age

There is still so much yet to tell! Seeing all as I do now, the years were but a moment! I stand awed at the events that sculptured my existence. Every seemingly unimportant moment was one more stroke of the mallet that chiseled the whole; each leading to the next.

A bonding long in the making and one experienced through the centuries, exists between the writer and the teller of this tale. It is one so filled with obsession of purpose that its very essence is obsession itself. I live again the wonder and perils, the love and weight of all I was given to be!

I loved him! Would I have loved him less, with the knowledge of what was to come? His love for me obscured his vision of the course our lives began to take. He had traveled the road. I was in virgin territory.

The fateful journey we shared together was but the result of a plan set in motion long before. Hadrian became enmeshed in the role that was first laid on him by those who sought his favor and of those who truly saw his greatness. He became less the man and more the god.

Hadrian was worshipped. He was honored. He was elevated to heights which would make most men lose sight of the earth upon which they stood. He held back from these excesses, at first. Like no other Emperor, Hadrian became a god on earth. He was mighty Zeus, lord of all. He was the radiant Helios, light of the world. He represented the giver of life and of love, Dionysos. And in this aspect he filled me with this god's gifts. But to many he was Mars, god of the underworld, filled with anger. All these elements were within him and he radiated a "wholeness" of spirit that seemed to be his model for the unity he sought to instill throughout the Empire.

As he united these contrasts of spirit, so too, he sought to unite the contrasts of the Empire into something which would reflect flexibility and consistency. Through restless activity he painstakingly worked to bring unity where diversity cleaved progress. He was present everywhere. Hadrian sought understanding in everything. He breathed life into dying cities and brought forth new life where none had existed. He created the means by which those who had no prospects of a fruitful future were able to realize their dreams. And in all of this he found the time to take an obscure boy from a little-known region of the Empire, under his wing. With love and kindness, he was able to nurture this boy so that soon, a wondrous soul was liberated.

Many, who have judged him since, cannot deny his greatness. His achievements moved the panegyrist Aeliius Aristedes to observe, "...this man of complex nature had guided the world to democracy. Rome was moved by its best citizen to a single city-state in which the best of its citizens is brought forth, and those of its best citizens are called to rule over the masses. Thanks is given to these rulers and their organization of the state and the army, whose soldiers are now Roman citizens, so all together they are the Empire. Peace and posterity prevails, there is happiness so that those who live outside the Empire are to be pitied..."

It is no little achievement, what my Lord accomplished! It is no wonder that from the vantage of centuries he is viewed as one of a handful of men who, during the life of Roman rule, excelled in transforming the world.

But still, I do not claim perfection was achieved. The brutality of that age has followed through the centuries and it stands out in all men's minds. How little of truth, men learn from history! How little attention is given to lessons taught at the price of blood! It is a tragedy of the ensuing ages that all of what was aspired by Hadrian has failed to hold in the course of time. Men are no more tolerant. They are possessed by their own ends at the mercy of mankind. They see no further than the moment and persist with passion on the same self-defeating courses. They are as tragic in scope as those who preceded them. All this defiance in the face of the ultimate plan of the gods to bring together a brotherhood of all nations. Truly the price of defiance has been great!

His vision became more charged in the weeks preceding the Eastern departure. Those weeks of preparation shared the excitement with a grand event attended by all Rome. In April of the first year of the 226th Olympiad, Hadrian, accompanied by priests and the Senate, laid the foundation stone of the vast temple of Venus and Roma. Much of its design had been by his own hand and his express purpose for its construction was to focus the loyalties of the citizens of the Empire by making it the site of a religious center of the Roman world. He hoped to draw together various factions in to one whole, and worked diligently to instruct the priests about the matter of creating new rites that would affect his plans.

The day dawned with a bright sun that broke through a sky that had been darkened by clouds for some days. It was a good omen. Having arrived from Villa Adriana the evening before, I passed the night with him and a number of his close friends, drinking. By the time we retired I was exhausted from my ride and slightly drunk. Seeing I was feeling less than my usual self, Hadrian bathed me and took some time afterward to give me a soothing rub. The treatment had its desired effect and we saw the breaking dawn in embraces. I sat with him as the light began to spill across the plains, touching the marble of the city. We watched as Rome turned from a rosy pink to a stark white as the sun rose higher, the few remaining clouds moving off in the far distance.

I dressed him and accompanied him in a light repast while he received officials, as was his morning custom. I was present. He made no secret of it. None assumed anything but the truth.

The kinds of events in which I took part that placed me in prominence, increased. Hadrian was less concerned about the public's opinions and more intent in making it clear what my part was to be with him. As his prestige grew in the eyes of the people, they were less inclined to find fault and saw his behavior as merely eccentricity that accompanied greatness. So much of what he was doing and had done for the Empire was beyond fault and impossible to criticize that, in this aspect of his nature, to show a fondness for boys seemed more a peculiarity than a vice. In his affection for me it was evident that he did not use me in the manner that so many other more notorious boy-lovers had done.  His affection was neither publicly licentious nor debauched.

By his side, but not too close, in the retinue of his close companions, I stood and watched as the throngs filled the space before us and milled about the Arcus Titi, crowding each other for a better view. The earth had been cleared of the previous structure and the ground-plan for the immense building was marked by small stone pillars wrapped in multi-colored banners. The proper incantations were spoken by the chief priest, to invoke the respective gods and spirits to the place to shower favor on the site.

Hadrian poured a libation on the ground where the cornerstone was to be placed and made a solemn prayer to his intentions for the temple's purpose. I watched in admiration as he moved about his business, seeing how seriously he took the event. He stood erect, a gilded wreath about his head pressed against his curled hair and caught the sun's reflection each time he moved. Once, he looked my way and smiled, showing his fondness and appreciation of the event and his pleasure in the enthusiasm of the crowd.

We watched as the Vestal Virgins brought forth the flame taken from the Temple of Vesta. This light insured peace and domesticity, symbolizing Hadrian's hoped-for unification of the Empire into a family of cooperative regions. As the torch was raised to the tripod marking the location of the cornerstone, Hadrian faced the Forum and a cheer rose from the populace as he spread his arms to bring Sabina and Lucius Commodus into them. Commodus had, at one point, assisted in the ceremonies and by this, had been shown to the people as one highly favored; a sign to indicate he might be a candidate for possible succession. Then the Emperor turned and motioned me to come forward and had me stand beside Lucius so that I was one place removed from him and in that position I was also acknowledged.

The success of the event was enhanced by two days of celebration at the circus and by doles of money from the Emperor's own purse. He had no need to pay the Roman people for their admiration. They knew his munificence as all about the Empire could be seen the fruits of his policies and the depth of his planning. I saw his mind filled with grater aims as each project showed success. He was seeing himself increasingly as a creator of the great and impossible. He absolutely believed it was his charge by the gods to bring about still greater accord throughout the realm. It was the purpose of his mission in the East.

As the time of departure approached I was needed more and more at his side. My position in his life came to be as sounding-board to his thoughts. He persuaded me to find fault in his dialogues, urging me to listen attentively for any convolutions in reasoning. I had to maintain diligence to keep abreast of events and issues, knowing what important topics were discussed in the Senate, what personages of prominence were currently on the lips of rumor mongers, what legislation might have import on the existing laws of the land. All these things were important for his consideration, and my part in the process was to stimulate further thought.

I kept a notebook in which I recorded everything I thought would be of use; in this way keeping informed by gleaning bits and pieces from whatever sources I believed to be responsible ones. I took an interest in attending trials, especially those in the courts of Julianus and Priscus, whenever I happened to find myself in the city and with free time.  I made it a point to take several afternoons to spend time with Critoneo, as we had not seen each other in the months since I had left the paedagogium. He had followed my steady rise to prominence and obviously enjoyed the part he had played. It was in these discussions with him that I came to learn just how carefully and with crucial intent my grooming had been directed.

My time was divided between Rome and Villa Adriana. While in Rome, I saw more of Hadrian but it was not time of quality, the kind of quiet and introspective hours together in the country. Affairs of city and state demanded attention and I was often called upon to fill the function of a secretary. I did not begrudge this duty, but felt honored that I was able to fill some useful purpose. I grew to love him deeply, for his complexities. It was difficult to share him with those by whom he was surrounded, during the hours of state. I could not touch him as I did when we were alone at the villa or walking the fields of his estate. I wanted him all to myself!

The weather had become lovely. All over the hillsides and fields of Tibur, flowers blossomed with the announcement of Spring. My blood warmed and my soul filed with the sounds of birds and the sight of game that ranged the woodlands. But whenever I received word from one of his aides that he wanted me, I flew to him, missing my little house and its privacy.

It was on one of these excursions that I came to speak so candidly with Sabina. After our talk I sought Filiniana in the garden and found her sitting on a sunny slope that faced the Circus Maximus below us, quietly looking at the distant hills. She did not hear my approach. When I stood near, my shadow crossed her sight.

"I've just seen your mistress," I said. "I think we have acknowledged each other and have come to an understanding."

Filiniana kept her eyes fixed ahead. There was something on her mind.

"What is it?" I asked, touching her shoulder.

"I was thinking about you," she said. "I knew last night, that you were coming."

"But how did you know? I told no one."

Filiniana smiled and touched my cheek.

"It was a dream. I saw you riding that horse the Emperor gave you. You rode like the wind, and although I wished myself to be the object of your haste, I knew it was to another. Please do not misunderstand my words. I make no complaint. It is just that sometimes my feelings for you run deep and I find myself wanting you in the old way. The Emperor is not the only one who finds you desirable."

I stirred to her words. Standing close, I breathed the subtle fragrance of jasmine which I associated with her, and recalled the first time we had loved. Now I found myself in the same state of excitement.

"You see the effect you have on me?" I said, glancing down to where my passion was obvious beneath my tunic.

"It is what I hoped for," she whispered, taking
my hand and rising to lead me to her chamber.

We made our way to a lower garden where a steeply inclined path led to a part of the palace complex reserved for servants and staff.

"I am confused," she said hesitantly.

"Tell me," I urged.

"It is about us, and what we do together. I know how you are with the Emperor. How is this duality possible?"

Her question did not surprise me, as I had given it similar consideration. I experienced attraction to both. I could not deny it. Hadrian fascinated me by his powerful and bold dealings with men, balanced by understanding and fairness in hearing them out. He was able to consider and process a multiple of thoughts and projects, juggling all so that none went unattended. He was the master of his life.

Filiniana's gentle mood and soft-spoken manner soothed me. I experienced a loosening of constraints for decorum, and explored an aspect of my being I had not known existed. I came to see that the depth of my love was enhanced by intimate contact; that full love was not possible without this particular way of expressing and feeling it as a totality.

Yet sex alone, was not enough. Love and respect was a necessary precedent. I knew there were some who experienced exclusivity in their sexual desires but as for me, this was not within my nature. I loved and desired both, finding no need for or pressure to prioritize. Hadrian brought me ecstasy; a gift difficult to find and carefully apportioned. Filiniana brought forth a passion of a different sort, but no less compelling. My love for her was as unique as that felt for the Emperor. Therefore her question left me puzzled for an answer that would be succinct enough to explain it.

"I listen much less to my mind than to my heart. I question little the reason why I love you and Hadrian. To question this, would be to ask for clarification of something that needs none. I love! It is a simple matter. You bring me comfort. Our friendship is exceptional because we allow much of each other."

Suddenly I understood the exact difference that marked the separation of the quality between the two. With Filiniana, I took love and saw myself as a recipient. With Hadrian, I gave love and saw myself as an offering!

"I know you speak the truth as you understand it," she said. "I wonder that you do not question this more!"

Her perplexity intrigued me. I accepted love in those rare instances when its precious gift was offered, with little resistance or ambiguity. It seemed a natural thing.

Filiniana's apartment was one of several surrounded by a little courtyard decorated with a fountain and several statues placed among the shrubbery, making the setting more pleasant. Care had been given by Hadrian's architects to make the living space as comfortable as possible. It showed concern for even the most insignificant of staff, a care for their well-being.

Her quarters became a peaceful nest for the next two hours. I paid little attention to the time because I knew Hadrian was holding court and would not be free until after high noon. We pleased each other in the fashion we had established, and it brought satisfaction to each of us. As she believed herself to be at the time of the month in which she could likely conceive, I took the precaution of using a thin sheath of intestine which could prevent the spilling of my semen into her, a caution I had learned to utilize with her help.

We spoke for some time afterward of the forthcoming journey to the East. Sabina had informed her that she would be in attendance and Filiniana looked with anticipation to the prospects of the adventure.

"The Emperor spends much of his time with his troops when he is in travel," she said with some reservation. "We are not likely to see much of each other, as I am sure he will want you by his side."

"We have spoken of the itinerary he hopes to cover. I must admit to some concern about how I shall function under these new conditions. He has advised me of the strain involved in reviewing the Legions. It appears that I am to become a novice soldier!  I know I must prove myself to him and my doubts prevail as to my own capabilities to withstand the demands of field life."

As I spoke, I could feel myself becoming more doubtful of these expected demands. Filiniana tried to reassure me by saying I was stronger now than I once had been. She saw in me a force of resolve. I wished I had the same faith in myself that she seemed to have in me. Her words did soothe me and I determined to keep my spirits and not allow myself to dwell on the unknown.

After some while our conversation was interrupted by a centurion who had come into the courtyard calling my name. He advised me that the Emperor was free to see me. I bid Filiniana farewell and followed the soldier to the upper levels of the Palatine. The centurion left me at the main gate. By this time my face was known enough that I had no trouble getting past the guard. As I made my way to Hadrian's quarters I paused briefly on a verandah which connected his public apartments to his private rooms. It was a place where we had sat together in the past. Overlooking the public forum below, it offered a panoramic view of the Capitoline and its marvelous Temple of Concordia beyond which was the sweep of the distant Sabine Hills, and then to the flat lands of the Campagña lying in the smoky distance.

I took in this sight, knowing it would be some time before I saw it again. Although I disliked Rome, it was not as much her stature as her people and customs that held me away. There was no denying that Rome, her buildings and grand monuments so profuse in numbers, held an attraction for me, one which went back to those early days of my arrival when all the wonder of the place overwhelmed me. Now, as I looked at her with a deeper understanding, I felt nostalgic and a need to bid her farewell, almost as though I did not expect to return. The thought made me chill with fear, and with great effort I tried to break the spell into which I had fallen.

I found Hadrian sitting at his writing table, making notes on the morning's proceedings. He kept a diary of his judicial findings after reviewing the technicalities of a case and always looking for a new perspective or for an element he might have missed. I have seen times, after such reviews, when he has changed his findings and sent word to counteract his edict.

He did not hear me enter. I stood until he finished with his work and when he looked up his expression gave me great concern. His habit would have been to rise smiling and come to me with open arms. Now, he remained seated and his eyes showed something amiss.

"What is it, Lord? Something displeases you. Have I offended?"

Kindness broke through his set features, which made me only slightly less concerned.

"Come boy, sit by me," he said, moving to make place beside him. "I have received news today that I must tell you."

Suddenly my mind was filled with a multitude of foreboding thoughts and all manner of tragedies accosted me. One of these specters was that of my mother. I felt the blood drain from my face as the thought of her filled me with fear.

Hadrian understood my mind and quickly reassured me that it had nothing to do with family.

"No, Antinoos. I receive periodic reports of them and they are well and cared for. This news is about someone else for whom you cared. Word came to me today that your friend Alexamenos was mortally wounded in a skirmish with barbarians in the north. His officer/lover took him from Rome, and they fell together in battle."

Alexamenos' face flashed before me and in a sweep of seconds I saw a multitude of memories, culminating with the vision of his body lying lifeless on the battlefield. It was impossible to accept that I would never see him again. Since his departure I had assumed a return where we would renew our friendship and marvel at our adventures. We each had understood that destiny was leading to very different paths. Tears welled for words having remained unspoken and for a friendship having been taken too lightly!

Hadrian drew me close and held me as I wept. I berated myself for not having written more often. The few letters I had sent had remained unanswered and I had taken this as a sign that he had forgotten me. I had resolved to write no more. It had not occurred to me until too late that his lack of response had been due to his discomfort with writing, a skill he had never learned fully. I was filled with sadness as my heart took on the pain of his tragedy.

"Each has been brought back to the Legion's camp and there, they were buried." He continued speaking to me in a soft tone, showing concern. 'The boy had few possessions but there were some things found in his belongings. Would you care to have them? I can have them sent."

"They should go to his mother," I said, remembering that Alexamenos had spoken of her but a few times. She was widowed and lived alone in a hilltop village some miles from Claudiopolis. "I believe she has little enough. Perhaps some of those things may have some worth."

Hadrian lifted my face and wiped a tear with the hem of his cloak.

"I shall send a sum of money to her in your name, as his friend. It will make her years less difficult. You must write a note to explain your friendship and association while he was in Rome."

As with so many other times in the past, his voice, eyes, strength, the way he looked at me; all these things swelled an emotion in me that filled me with love. I became weak with amazement at the good fortune that seemed to surround me.

I rose and standing before him as he sat, looked deeply into his eyes. I studied his face. This man, who so completely held my heart as well as my life, was now before me as though for my bidding. The hair on his forehead, curls neatly placed by his hairdresser that morning was now less orderly and I took note of the grayness at his temples. There was the beginning of the gray in his beard I had not noticed before. I saw lines of worry and the gradual aging in his face, slowly sculptured into something new; a more concerned and worn look that displayed his responsibilities and the thoughts of his recent failing health.

I came close to his ear. "Would you tell me the truth if I asked a question of you?"

Hadrian moved away slightly, scrutinizing my request.

"My little Bithynian, what could be on your mind that you would ask such a question? I will answer after I have heard what you have to ask."

"Tell me if you have experienced any further attacks such as the one you had at the villa?"

He remained silent for some moments.

"Two more," he finally answered. "But of less serious nature. My physician advises me not to travel. He has asked that I give up my plans to visit the Eastern Provinces."

"And what will you do?"

"Disregard his opinion and continue with plans." he said, laughing as he stood, lifting me in his arms and bringing me to his couch. "I am not about to let myself become a slave to this affliction. It is temporary, I am sure of it. The gods are merely showing me that I should not take the honors recently accorded, too seriously.

"Let us leave all these somber discussions and speak of more pleasant things."

With this, he slapped my rump and let his hand remain.

"Yes," I said, holding him around the neck as he lowered me to the divan. "For now, I ache to love you and have you as a part of me. Will you?"

Hadrian's smile and his passion showed that our wants were similar, and I lost the track of time as we surrendered ourselves to needs which had come as a result of our recent separation.

The late afternoon became cooled by clouds that had drifted in from the north and it was the wind that came through the open window that brought me fully awake. Beside me, Hadrian slept, the deep sound of his breathing making his chest reverberate. I never seemed to tire of looking at him. Each time, I saw something different. Now he seemed but an ordinary man, resting in the recent pleasures of his body in the comfort of sleep.

I wondered how long he would consider me attractive? How long would I hold him with whatever power with which I seemed to attract such a prominent one who could command any number of wonderful youths more impressive than I? At what point would he no longer see me as the boy who drew his attention and interest in the past; a time that now seemed so far away! I tried to imagine a life without him as my focus, and could not. I would be nothing without him and knew fully that all my existence was connected to him alone. Without him I ceased to have purpose.

To what extent could I hold myself to be all that was necessary for his pleasure and love? I knew the forthcoming journey would be a test, one that would either show me worthy or reveal my limitations. I felt resentment at finding myself in the position of having to meet stringent expectations; being placed on a pedestal for inspection and evaluation!

In the silent moments as I lay beside him, feeling his strength and force against me, I let myself absorb as much of his essence as possible. I held him tightly and he stirred, turning to me in his sleep, bringing me even more tightly against himself without waking.

Sometime after the tenth hour, he woke with a start, breathing heavily. I had fallen back to sleep in his arms and his sudden movement startled me. I sat up, looking at him as he swung his feet to the floor and stood, his body wet with sweat. He was trembling.

"Lord, do not leave yet. Let me hold you!"

Hadrian turned to look at me and I saw that his smile masked pain. It lined his face.

"It will take more than your arms, my love, to rid me of these dreadful evils that follow me even into sleep."

It was obvious that he had seen once again the familiar phantoms that had so often disturbed him of late. There was little I could do, and felt useless to him.

"Come," he reached for my hand, trying to shake off the feared premonitions. "We will go to the baths. I want to rid myself of the day's tensions. I also want to show you in public. The time has come for you to be seen as someone of permanence. It is time for you to be acknowledged for who you are, Antinoos. Dress quickly!"

His words had been spoken seriously and I understood that he was putting into place a plan. I was not to be seen as the Emperor's dalliance as so many thought me to be. He wanted no doubt in the minds of those who opposed my position or who looked upon me as a frivolity that I was not someone with whom he occupied his idle hours!

His words wore heavy on my mind. I knew they meant that I was to find myself with more strenuous and prestigious responsibilities. I could not deny the pride and sense of security of my elevation. He was showing me that I was passing from the boy he had cherished and protected, to a youth maturing and coming into his own, needing to engage with the world about him. When we left his quarters, I had the distinct sensation I had aged considerably in those few moments and with a surge of pride, I walked taller.

We made our way by horseback to the Thermae of Traianae. I had been there before, but never in his company. Now our arrival was conspicuous as we approached, surrounded by several Praetorians. Word spread quickly of the Emperor’s arrival. The idle and curious gathered to observe. I followed him to the apodyteria where we undressed and left our garments and went on to the sudatiria, a room heated to produce a sweat that could clean the pores. I sat close by his side, watching his body slowly begin to relax under the influence of the heat.

Hadrian spoke to those who approached him, listening to the usual list of appeals and requests for special favors and considerations; always giving the momentary speaker his full attention. He had a way of making the least of those around him feel important, even if just for the moment.

Two Senators sat nearby waiting for him to finish so to have his ear. They watched me with interest, scrutinizing as they spoke in whispers to each other. I was not being held in high esteem, I could see. When our eyes met I smiled cordially and bowed slightly as a sign of respect, then turned my eyes away before they could disengage contact.

When Hadrian was finally free of the petitioners, he motioned for the Senators to join him. I made a motion to vacate my place beside him, intending to move a short distance away to give them privacy. Hadrian touched my arm to indicate that I should remain. The men were forced to share a small section of the bench on the Emperor's other side. The discussion was brief and strained, having to do with a series of proposed taxes meant to be targeted for the Jews of Alexandria. It would be a means by which the Roman Senate could express its displeasure at the recent religious and political unrest thought to have been provoked by those habitually discordant people.

Hadrian made his feelings known, saying it would do no good to levy taxes at a selected few, excluding other various sects and factions. He thought that to give these resentful people the notoriety of attention and cause for further discord, would be to play into their hands. They seemed to thrive on adversity and abuse, seeking disharmony as though it were food for their souls.

I came to realize at this encounter, just how much of the political life and machinations of the Empire actually took place outside the chambers of the Senate. The baths and forum were as much a part of the government structure as its buildings of state. All manner of business was conducted in the various rooms of the numerous baths of Rome. For many, thermae was a social club, business office, courtroom a place where one might escape a shrewish wife. Women were not allowed the same hours as the men. Hadrian had put a stop to the practice of the baths being used by both sexes simultaneously. He felt they had become lascivious places, used for illicit reasons, and too much freedom had been taken by the women who attended them.

Once the discussion with the senators was terminated we moved to the caldarium. The interior was filled with steam. I sprinkled water onto his sweating body. He did the same to me. We took care as we scraped each other with the strigil, removing the accumulated grime of an active day.

It was at this time that Hadrian noticed an aging man, an older soldier he recognized as someone who had once served under him during his days in Pannonia. With great difficulty the man tried to scrape himself against one of the stone pillars. Hadrian asked why he was doing this. He replied that in his old age there was little enough money for the luxury of owning a slave or two, and not enough to hire a boy of the baths to do the scraping for him. Upon hearing this, Hadrian instructed one of the assistants to attend to the old soldier. I later was told that he had made a sum of money available to keep the man in comfort for the rest of his days. This act of generosity became known throughout. On return to the baths some days later, Hadrian found several elderly men scraping themselves against walls and pillars, hoping to be similarly blessed by the Emperor's kindness. But all they received was a suggestion that their toil would be much less strenuous if they cooperated and scraped each other!

At nightfall I bid Hadrian farewell and with two escorts, rode with the setting sun, wanting to

Julianus' villa before dark. I had sent Gracchus word that I would come to spend two days with him. Hadrian would join us on the morrow, after having concluded duties. We were to enjoy a day of hunting before he had to return to the Senate and address them on issues of military actions in the northern frontiers.

Chapter Twenty Two

Nearing The East , Spring 128 AD.

I had little time for thoughts of anything but the fast-approaching date of departure. In those weeks of April each day was filled with details assigned to me. As part of the Imperial Party I was expected to bring together not only my own things but Hadrian's personal belongings as well. There were diaries which he kept for the recording of his memoirs, intending to have them published for his close friends. There were parchments and scrolls of information that he had collected and catalogued, having to do with various regions of the empire, telling their histories, their rulers, patriarchs, prefects, military advisors and governors, and in all of these he had a personal file of how well these individuals had carried out their duties. He hoped to meet with each one and reward those who had held to ethics, and remove and punish those who had been an embarrassment to the state.

I spent days with his slaves, deciding his wardrobe and which jewels and ornaments were to be brought; which items of his huge collection of military hardware would be taken. Each night I met him to discuss the most current items being readied. Hadrian had modest tastes in dress. But for this journey he knew there would be a need to impress those who saw power as an adornment of splendor. He knew the importance of setting the stage!

Evenings were filled with private interviews. Some of the responsibilities of governing would be delegated and for this business, especially with his most intimate aids and friends, he reserved the quiet hours after the day's work was put aside. I spent every night in his bed except for those spent at Villa Adriana, where I returned to get my own things and close quarters.

The countryside was resplendent with a new growth of grass. Flowers in full bloom carpeted the fields and woods surrounding his estate, and trees swayed gently in the breezes of a departed winter. The distant mountains and valleys channeled these currents of air from the north. On the far horizon I could see snow still capping the higher peaks. But here the earth lived once more, and I found myself torn between the solitude of the country and the passion and excitement of the city!

I gave careful attention to those things I had to bring, as not much room would be allowed for luxuries. A few changes of clothes, mostly things worn in the warm weather, would be all I would need. Writing implements were carefully packaged in anticipation of my hopes to keep a detailed account of the journey. Hadrian intended for me to continue my studies.

Antipas was dismayed to learn that he too, would be expected to accompany the Royal Party. He was a man advanced in years and one not inclined to leave the comforts of home. I spoke to Hadrian about this, hoping he would reverse his decision and allow the frail teacher to return to Rome and by this act, also relieve me of the burden of studies. Not that I disliked my books. On the contrary, I loved learning and looked forward to daily meetings with Antipas. But on this journey I was sure there would be much to see and do; that the journey itself would be an education. I felt I could manage my own schedule of learning.

"Why put the man through so much difficulty," I tried to reason with him. "Antipas dreads this journey!"

"And has he told you this?" Hadrian seemed surprised.

"There is no need for him to voice it," I answered in defense. "I have eyes! And where are yours, Lord? This is unseemly of you, if you will permit me the liberty       !"

I had no experience in criticizing the Emperor and it would be considered insolent and a cause for whipping, if overheard by others. But I knew he was open to my opinions and seldom had he caused me to feel reluctant to speak frankly. But in the past these expressions had usually pertained to my own feelings and doubts. Now, I tested how far I could go with him.

"Think you that I press for this for no other reason than to have my own way? Antinoos, Antipas can be of help to me. I will have need of his counsel, and you will have need of what he has to teach. I know you are capable of learning much and there will be no time to spare of what you will come to need to know.

"And Antipas is too protective of his comforts. This I have seen from past experience. His laments, I am sure he has expressed some without directing them to you, are only to make you more sympathetic so you will be his advocate. I am touched by your concern for him."

Hadrian would not hear more. His only concession was to assure me the tutor would be well cared for and protected from excessive fatigue.

One evening I found Hadrian in a particularly dark mood. He had spent a difficult day in session with an ambassador of one of the many Jewish cults of Alexandria. This man had been sent to press the Emperor for special exemption from the Roman tax that maintained the Legions. These troops protected the inhabitants of the city from the quarrelsome Jewish factions continuously at odds with each other and their surroundings.

Hadrian was utterly exhausted and still filled with anger at the man's absurd demands. The silence frightened me. Sitting in the shadow of a sole lamp, the room was in darkness. The heat of the day had persisted into evening. He sat by the window, clothed in a light tunic. Sweat was on his brow and he looked uncomfortable. When my hand touched his shoulder I was alarmed by the coldness of his skin. He raised his head slightly. It took him effort to do so. Our eyes met. I saw despair mixed with fear. Frustration lined his face.

I had come to consider him invincible and had seen his strength and power of determination. Nothing was too difficult, no project too complex. Had seen him standing under the weight of his responsibility and remain fresh and vital after hours at court. I had witnessed long periods where he had been barraged and besieged by hundreds who sought petitions and special favors. In all these times he had returned to me smiling and filled with energy and desire. To see him tired and withdrawn alarmed me.

Seeing him now bent, deep in thought, touched
me to the core. A great surge of love welled within me and I found myself wanting to take him in my arms; to be his shield against the world that oppressed him. Had he not done so for me untold times before?

"You seem so sad," I said. "Is there something I can do to relieve you of this oppression?"

"You give me what I need by being here, my love. Too many times I have wished I had not made you the gift of the villa. Sit here with me for a while."

I put my arms around him. His body was tense. I held him and said nothing, knowing he had much on his mind and not wanting to interrupt his thoughts. Some moments passed before he spoke again.

"Do you love me?"

His question surprised me. Hadrian had never asked this before. His tone reflected his concern and doubt.

"I love no one else," I answered.

"Would you continue loving me if I hurt you?"

"In what manner, Lord?"

"People invariably hurt those they love most, Antinoos! How will you feel when this happens. Will you stop loving me?"

The suggestion that a time could come when I might stop loving this gentle and caring man, was one I found impossible to imagine and wondered what event, what manner of circumstance would cause it. Would he find someone else? Would he come to see me in a different light? Would I change? Was my love for him, too much? Was it enough? The seeds of doubt took root.

Fear lurked within. It had made itself known before but I had always pushed it aside and forced more joyful thoughts to take its place. Still it persisted and was ever-present, instilling doubt whenever my mood became melancholy and my will, weak. This knife-edge capable of removing me from the reality of the present could send me hurling into a space filled with suspicion and jealously haunting me in wake and sleep. The knowledge was that Hadrian had fallen in love with me when I was someone else. I was growing older and changes were taking place that made me much different from the boy who had won his attraction, years before in Bithynia. Could I keep his heart?

To fight this fear I pushed the thoughts from my mind and strained to return to the moment; this wonderful moment of being together and knowing he needed me for comfort. Hadrian was master of his world and yet, I knew a part of him ached from a desperate need to love and be loved. The depth of the need generated the doubt.

"You ask for a response for which I have no answer, Lord. I can tell there is room in my heart for no other. Why do you ask me this thing? You make me fear that you know of some of the future that will cause this pain.

"Have you changed your mind about my accompanying you on the journey?"

This thought had occurred to me like a beast leaping from the shadows. In a moment I had convinced myself that it was the purpose for which he was preparing me!

Hadrian's face softened when he saw my concern.

"No, my Bithynian, I will not leave you behind. This would be like severing a limb! You will be with me, but there will be much time apart, I fear. The Empire is in urgent need of attention. There are Jewish factions in the East that test my patience. These parasitic peoples of Alexandria find nothing that we do, to their liking. I have allowed them freedoms which they have not had from other rulers. I have mandated that none who represent me, harass or deny them their beliefs and practices. I have granted them more leniency to follow their doctrines that has been the custom. Yet each extension of privilege is followed by other demands!

"They infuse others to oppose us and expect to be treated as a chosen people only answerable to their bizarre god of judgment and punishment. The State has struck down with swift blows those barbarians of the north who have challenged our borders. Why should these zealots be treated any differently?

"Yet I feel a reluctance. But if I show them compassion and tolerance for their absurd beliefs it will give them cause to see the State as weak, and time to pull together and strengthen their numbers when, at present, they are divided and unable to agree on almost every tenet of their doctrine.

"They force me to act, when I would choose to leave them alone. By their very nature they bring destruction upon their own heads and the heads of their children. These people have agitated all those with whom they have lived!

"Am I not a tolerant man, Antinoos? Why do they force me to move against them?

Hadrian spoke to me as though I held the answers. There was so much of what he said that I knew little about. The disharmony between the Roman and Alexandrian Jews always seemed to return to the same issues; whether they would be allowed to adore their own deity without their obsessive need to ridicule all other religions or doctrines observed by their neighbors, and whether they would be expected to bow and honor the authority of Rome.

"Indeed, Sire, no other ruler, from the knowledge I have of Rome's history, has been as temperate as you. Perhaps your physical presence will show these people that it is their leaders who force discord."

"This is my purpose, child. This is my purpose!"

Hadrian's reference of me as a child caused me a pang of impatience, for I was a child no longer. Was it his wish that I remain one?

I took his hand and placed it where he could feel the evidence of my having gone from youth to manhood.

"Do you see me still as the lad you fancied in Claudiopolis?"

He held me silently.

"I wish you to be, sometimes. Yet I see you for what you have become and wonder to what ends will it lead. My dear Antinoos, this sign of manhood is the least of measurements for coming of age. You have indeed fulfilled every expectation, and have become more! How I love you, little Bithynian! How I treasure your love and friendship. I pride at your growth. These years since your departure from your native land have not been without purpose. It is in the coming months that they will bear fruit."

"Will you truly need me?"

I could not imagine how this could be so. I knew he wanted me for my youth and beauty, for the pleasures I brought him, but I could not understand my worth to him in other ways.

"What do I give you?"

I thought of Commodus. He could offer Hadrian a mating of ideas and be a catalyst for thought. He could match the Emperor in sophistication and never be an embarrassment. Commodus could command respect wherever he went. Even by his frivolous life, Commodus was admired and held in esteem. What was I compared to him!

"You give of yourself and ask for nothing." Hadrian stood and paced the floor. "No one has offered me this before. You love me without question and expect only to be allowed to come to me. There is a flame in your heart and soul that no other light can match. This warms me when my own heart and soul are cold with the demands that never cease. My darling boy, if those others showed a spark of the unequivocal gratitude that you express to me, I would grant them all they sought.

"As it is, I tire of the constant demands and questions the motives of those who seek my ear; of even those who have my ear at their command. Friends and comrades tire me in this manner. Only with you do I feel fully at ease and have no suspect of motive."

"But could you not find this with another?"

Hadrian understood to whom I referred.

"Lucius Commodus, although having been a long time associate and holding a special place in my heart, does not serve what you serve. His mission is of a different nature from yours, Antinoos"

All the while Hadrian spoke he paced the floor, moving his hand through the flame of a lamp each time he passed it, seemingly testing himself to see how long he could stand the heat.

"And what is this mission that I am called to, Lord?"

He took me by the arm and lifted me from the divan and brought me to his bed.

"We will travel to many hostile places, lad. The weather alone will sometimes be unbearable. We will spend much time reviewing troops stationed in outlying provinces. In the company of my soldiers I live as they do, eat the same foods and sleep with little of the comforts with which we are surrounded. I travel without luxury. At my side you will live as I do. The Empress will follow, but will have a different itinerary. Her accustomed indulgences will not be far from her hand. Are you prepared to give all this up for the hard life of a field soldier?"

While we spoke we disrobed and settled into bed. By his side, with strong arms encircling me and pulling me against his chest, I could imagine myself being in no other place. I saw no other future than being with him even when it meant enduring discomfort. I wanted to prove my love and devotion by some test. The Eastern Journey was my opportunity to do so.

Chapter Twenty Three

To Africa, June 128 AD.

Our destination was the north coast of Africa. The Emperor's party was small but would grow in number once we returned to Rome for some brief ceremonies, then to depart once more. The purpose of this initial journey was to inspect the armies of the region and to infuse renewed spirit in the men who had become lax in discipline and bored by the lack of excitement. These legions were not engaged in battle and had not done so for some time.

The lonely outposts of the distant places were required in order to keep man-power dispersed in large enough numbers to make known the power of Rome. The importance of Africa was its Imperial domain-land, large stretches of crown land given to agriculture. This land had been confiscated by Nero. The empire's belly was fed from these fields as well as others in Egypt and Syria. One of the Roman Army's interests and purpose was to protect and insure the safety of this valuable property.

When troops feel useless and unimportant, regimen and order are replaced with slovenliness. It was Hadrian's intent to remind the Numidian legions of their importance. He had received disturbing reports that they had begun to grow complacent. Hadrian informed the Legion III Augusta at Lambaesis that they would be reviewed.

Having set sail from Ostia and following the coast, we veered south near Neapolis. The barren coastline of Sicilia looked bleak as we passed close to its north-western tip. Strong winds filled the sails and it required effort to keep the ships in proper distance from each other.

Hadrian spent much of his time in his cabin, one filled with charts and reports. He inspected the records sent to him by the Commander of the III Augusta. Allegations had been made that the resident Imperial Agents were abusing their positions by collecting rents from tenant-farmers, coloni, and retaining a portion of it. In some cases the Imperial Representatives were actually claiming the Emperor's acres as their own.

In his review of the matter Hadrian would come to issue a law known as the Lex Hadriana that would provide a right of squatting on Crown lands that were uncultivated, or remained so for ten successive years. Previous systems had given farmers reduced or marginal profits from lands not their own and the soil had begun to go out of cultivation from a lack of interest. The new law hoped to secure continuous cultivation and give the farmer a taste for profit.

I kept my distance and allowed him privacy for work and thought. On deck, I used my time to study the stars. What could they foretell? One night at the eleventh hour, during my watch, I saw a shower of meteors streaking across the heavens, seemingly raining on the distant south-eastern horizon where the lands of Africa lay. In this event I foresaw something of prominence would

occur there. Something would be given by the gods to show their favor of the Emperor, and in my heart I felt sure it would be soon. I could not shake the impression that this information was somehow being offered to me by my grandfather, whose soul had already passed into the nether-world and had taken its place as a star above my head. His presence could almost be felt beside me. I kept my counsel and said nothing to Hadrian, recording this phenomenon in my notes.

On days when the sun was not obscured by clouds I shed my clothing and basked in its rays, letting my body take on the copper tone that seemed to please him. Wanting to look my best, I exercised with the men. Oiled and filled with the vigor of the ocean air, we wrestled on deck or pulled and pushed weights, letting the sweat and fatigue quell the hypertension of close confinement.

My days were pleasant enough. I played with dolphins that followed the ship as they sought the morsels of food fed to them by the sailors. Then there were my studies. I read what was assigned by Antipas, who was disabled by sea sickness. His green pallor and sullen visage made me feel responsible for his affliction, and I spent much time caring for him, trying to make him as comfortable as possible under the circumstances of a tiny cabin and a pitching, rolling sea.

Occasionally I looked in on Hadrian to be sure he had eaten. I often found the food left by his side hours earlier, still untouched. At Ostia he had boarded ship looking ill and burdened with too many thoughts. But as the day wore on I was able to prevail on him to accompany me on deck for some hours, each day. The men enjoyed seeing him and he took light heart in their banter. It was evident that they understood the nature of our relationship and that most approved. From this acceptance I took strength and when he saw me mingle with them, seeing me equally accepted by them, he felt proud.

I enjoyed those times when I stripped and oiled myself with the rest before we wrestled. My body was now that of a young man's and the soft lines that once had been an embarrassment, were replaced by more solid definitions that showed muscles and sinews were being exercised. Hadrian and I would sometimes disrobe and lay quietly together, watching clouds drift overhead. Sun and salt air brought color to his face.

I met a lad from Salamis, in Syria. This boy with a slight and delicately formed body was darkly beautiful. I had first noticed him the second day at sea. He had been assigned to the Emperor's table. I did not fail to notice how Hadrian's glance followed him. There had been a moment when, as the boy reached to remove a plate, Hadrian had looked directly at him. This slave returned the Emperor's look with a long pause, and then his long-lashed eyes lowered as he backed away too slowly I thought. A fit of jealousy filled me and I was unable to continue our conversation. My mood became pensive and bleak. I knew that Hadrian felt the change and with his usual concern, he gave himself to me for the remainder of the evening. This, in fact, made me feel worse. I thought him merely doing penance for a misdeed caught. In the following days I watched closely to see if there would be further interest and saw none.

Several days after, I came to his quarters in the late afternoon, assuming he would be soon rising from the brief nap he took each day at that hour. As I entered I saw the Syrian standing naked by the Emperor's bed where Hadrian lay, as he looked at the boy. I was stunned, not having expected to witness the intimate scene. Hadrian remained silent, looking into my eyes and I felt myself on trial as if I were the accused. The Emperor waived the boy away with a movement of his hand and the Syrian donned his chiton and departed quickly. Unable to speak, I turned and left his quarters, hoping he would follow. He did not.

For hours I sat alone above deck, enduring the increasingly cold wind that whipped the sails and sprayed the sea across the bow. In my misery I imagined him an all manner of alliances and rendezvous'.  I saw him hold and fondle many, each vivid body given life by my jealous mind. My soul ached and I felt such a weight for the pain in my heart that no thought but this self-inflicted torture could enter it. In the darkness, seeing the lanterns being lit, I realized I had been in the same position and location for four hours. He had not come to me!

There would be times when I would forget the status that separated us. I sometimes understood him as a common man, my lover. As our time together grew more intense and as I came to mean more to him this difference was often difficult to keep in mind. And with the presumptuousness of youth I accorded my beauty and favors more power and value than they deserved.

In this frame of mind I sat longer by myself, hidden among the coils of rope and piles of canvas seeking shelter from the dropping temperature, waiting and looking for him to seek me. When the moon had coursed across the heavens, having changed from an imposing yellow orb on the horizon to the now small sphere of light high above, I understood that it would be I who would need to go to him. My swollen eyes held me back, not wanting him to see that I had been crying; I was supposed to be beyond that age!

How my heart ached in those lonely hours! How cast aside and used, I felt! The insidious voice that questioned my value to him, inside my head, had been relentless. What was I to him that he could take another so easily? I could stand the cold and doubt no longer. What would be my words?

Making my way below, I avoided the night watch and the few men still on deck. As I moved through the narrow passage on my way to Hadrian's cabin someone stepped from the shadows. It was the Syrian.

"You have misunderstood what you saw," he said.

"Have I?"

In the dim light I scrutinized him, realizing his beauty once more and hating him for it.

"I know what you thought," he came closer. "You are wrong."

"Step aside and let me pass," I tried to move by him.

"The Emperor was concerned about this..." The Syrian dropped his clothing and exposed himself to me. Across his back and legs I saw bruises that were the result of flogging.

"While I served him, he noticed these and commanded me to disrobe and explain how I had come about them. You entered at that time."

"And how can I believe this?"

"It is your choice, Antinoos," he said. "The Emperor was concerned, nothing else. There have been several opportunities for the thing you have assumed, but he has never chosen to act upon them. It was not because I did not try! Your Emperor is faithful to you, Antinoos."

His words rang with truth and I believed him.

I knocked at Hadrian's door, giving the pre-arranged signal, and heard no response. I knocked once more then turned the latch to find the door unlocked. The sentry who stood some distance away watched me. I entered the darkened room. The glow of a small candle by his sleeping pallet disclosed him seated at his table, parchments strewn about his feet, his head lying on folded arms, fast asleep. Seeing him alone and lost in his dreams, I felt deeply close to him and ashamed of my behavior and for having doubted him.

Then the voice within my head spoke of his other loves; reminding me of what has been said about him by boys at the paedagogium who related experiences they had had with him while he was involved with Commodus. I was assailed as I stood beside him; jealousy insidiously releasing its poison and I resisted with all my might the temptation to wake him and ask him for a recounting.

I reached out and touched his shoulder. He stirred. I touched him again. He raised his head and my heart went cold with fear. I saw blood at his mouth and a small pool of it where his head had rested. I rushed to get a basin of water and before I could begin cleaning him, he pushed my hand away and with his own, he touched the crimson stain.

"Let me send for the physician," I urged.

"It is nothing." Hadrian wiped his mouth. There was fear in his eyes. "Say nothing!"

He stood, faltered, and caught the stool for support, then made his way for the bed.

"Assist me, Antinoos."

I removed his sandals and tunic.

"You've been gone for some time, boy. Have you come to terms with what you interrupted?"

"I spoke to the boy a few moments ago," I said, sitting beside him. "He explained."

"And what did he say?"

"That you asked him to remove his clothing to closer inspect bruises."

"And you believed that?" Hadrian asked the question with a look of irony.

"Should I not?"

"It was not what you believed this afternoon," he said reproachingly.

I looked away from him, feeling my own disgust.

"And how could I ignore this boy's beauty? Would you not take him to you?"

"For what purpose, little Greek?"

"To taste his pleasures."

Hadrian smiled. He fell back slowly to the cushion and his head seemed heavy as it sank into the softness.

"What need I of more pleasures than those you give? Do not think that I only seek physical satisfaction from you. Have you not understood what it means when I tell you I love you?"

The question of whether he had experienced others while involved with me had crossed my mind several times in the past but I had never asked. Now it seemed imperative.

"Do I please you so that no other has caught your eye, Lord?"

"You please me!"

"But have there been others?"

"Not for a long time."

I heard impatience in his voice, but continued.

"Not even Commodus?"

"And so we come to him, again." Hadrian turned to rest his head in his hand as he looked at me.

"Why is this concern so paramount? Do you think I play with you when I tell you words of love and promise? Although there were others in the early days of our relationship, those months when you first came to me as a novice page filled with fear and awe, those encounters have nothing to do with what I feel for you. They should be left in the past.

"As for Commodus, he and I enjoy a relationship that has been unsexual for some time. It is true that I love him and sometimes indulge him as a son or lover, but it is an illusion. We share nothing but ideas and a pleasant friendship. Commodus is a great comfort to me with his advice. He has the ability to get things done by more expedient methods than those imposed by law, tradition, and the whims of the Senate."

His words went to my core and I felt fear. Had he not given me ample evidence of his sincerity? Still, this connection with Commodus stuck in my throat like a chicken bone. It stung my sensibilities and warped my capability to think clearly. With this doubt, all trifle jealousies and passing fancies seemed like genuine threat to our union. These suspicions of imagined indiscretions had remained unspoken, but now I found it difficult to contain them. They crept from my lips like maggots from the mouth of a corpse. I saw that Hadrian was becoming tired of them.

"Tell me that I am the one you want and need the most," I said, pressing myself closer to him and hating the use of a coercive ploy.

"Shall I tell you this because you want to hear it? Will it make you feel better?"

He moved from me, looking deeply in my eyes.

"Little Bithynian, will you feel more secure in having me voice these words, after you have asked for them? Listen less to words, Antinoos, and pay attention to action! It is in action that men show their intent. Words can be used as honey, to sweeten. What have you come to understand from me, boy?"

There had been nothing in his behavior to cause me doubt. He had been honest and forthright.

"I ask forgiveness for pressing you, Lord. So much of my life depends on you, that I want to feel I return something, as well. You give so much and I seem only to take. I need to be useful to you. Unless I can feel that I, too, contribute to this relationship, all I will be is a boy-whore who comes to give pleasure and occupies himself until next summoned."

Hadrian lay back on the cushion. His eyes were heavy with thought and his breathing seemed labored.

"You will come to show just how much you can contribute, Antinoos. There is more to your accompanying me to Africa than being a sexual accommodation. I plan to put you to work and to use that head of yours, as well."

Was I to be tested? What would he have me do? Would I grow closer to him, from this experience?

"You will come to know your duties enough," he said, as though reading my thoughts.

"Trust that I will use you to your fullest capabilities. You have skills yet untapped... For now, make my sleep more peaceful with your presence. Hold me while I rest, Little Greek."

I lay in his arms and listened as the breathing took on the sound of sleep. Outside the sea had risen and winds had begun to toss the ship about so that its paced creaking became hypnotic. We were rocked by the motion of the storm and I lay awake, aware of his presence, recalling that he had once told me of not caring to look upon those he loved, as they slept, believing that they were somehow escaping or resting from him. Was he now escaping from me?

Chapter Twenty Four

Auspicious Beginnings, Late June 128 AD.

Although the passage to Africa was without event, I noticed Hadrian experiencing increased anxiety as we approached that continent. Once, the challenge of facing problems of state would have stimulated his mind and body. Now they weighed heavily. The troops required a re-defining of their purpose. The business of administration begged re-order. The populace was resentful of the burden imposed by Roman occupation; a long-standing drought had resulted in food shortages with little enough to spare. In these provinces the Emperor was considered a god, and therefore held responsible.

Hadrian had come to see himself as one who held god-like powers. Now his health forced him to recognize his mortality. He spent increasingly more time alone and I often found him deep in thought, his charts and tools of navigation strewn about the cabin, desperately trying to divine something. Scrolls of papyrus filled with celestial calculations showing the movements of heavenly bodies were often used to foretell events.

Hadrian consulted with Charbrias, a man well informed in astrology. Charbrias used his knowledge and influence to keep in close proximity of the Emperor. Although we spent many hours together after Hadrian urged me to study with him, and although I came to respect his art and expertise, I never trusted the man. For I understood how easily premonitions, if vague and ethereal enough, could be made to fit desired causes. I knew well how the Oracle at Delphi had foretold both tragedy and fortune by speaking enigmas. Hadrian placed great faith in Charbrias and sometimes it seemed to me that he trusted the man more than he did his own friends! I also knew that Charbrias understood the value of having the Emperor's ear.

Charbrias had small eyes that seemed never still, recording everything. He moved silently, his head and neck poised to shift in the direction of any nearby conversation. Something about him caused me suspicion and I was troubled, wondering if I did him injustice. He seemed so liked by others! For this reason I extended myself to be in his favor and looked beyond suspicion. I should have heeded my inner voice!

The Empire demanded continuous attention. If peace was secure in Gallia, aggression erupted in Syria. If the harvest, so important to the army and citizens, was abundant in Hispania, pestilence or drought plagued the Empire elsewhere. There was a active network of messengers and couriers who moved to and from critical areas reporting and relaying information. Intrigues were commonplace as each petty bureaucrat sought the Emperor's ear for his own personal project or complaint. No one was safe from charges of misdeeds or misappropriations alleged by unscrupulous adversaries looking to enhance their own positions.

My policy was to ask few questions. History had not shown that intimate knowledge of state affairs had been advantageous to others of my peculiar standing. It had not been an uncommon occurrence to find the mutilated bodies of boy-favorites on the banks of the Tiber. Being companion to an emperor or statesman has always been a liability. The brutality of these crimes had been evidence enough of the hate harbored in the minds and hearts of enemies and traitors.

It was not safe to know too much. It was more foolish to know nothing. I tried to keep myself informed so as not to appear stupid. And to that extent did I apply myself. Hadrian understood the labor under which I strained. He often cautioned me to keep silent of certain matters he shared with me. "Say nothing...," he advised after disclosing some juicy piece of Senate gossip or some fact or detail that he felt would give me the protection that privy-information often accords. I seldom sought what was not offered and kept questions to myself. My sole intention was to remain close to him and let him feel my presence; to soothe him.

In Judaea the populace seethed with dissidents who constantly agitated Rome with demands for religious freedoms, accorded by Hadrian, but not considered liberal enough by those Jews who demanded the impossible. Their ranks swelled, led by one Shimon Bar-Cochba, a gadfly used by the rabbi Akiba. Bar-Cochba was hailed by Akiba as their long-awaited messiah. Hadrian, seeing the Jews remain unsatisfied with the privileges he accorded them, tightened his hold and repression replaced restraint.

The once-fertile fields of northern Africa had been experiencing drought for five years, and began to grow arid. Mauritania, Cyrene, Augyptus, all were deeply troubled. These principle suppliers of grain were faced with shortages, with no outlook of relief. Warehouses were echoing with the sounds of rats warring among themselves for the last few morsels of grain or kernels left hidden in remote places.

Hadrian was accustomed to adulation from the populace. He had come to be held in high esteem, his benevolence and compassion so much in contrast to others who had once worn the purple, that acclamation and honors were showered upon him. The Senate had offered him the title of Pater patria (Father of the Country) before his departure. The Greeks had expressed their admiration in a similar fashion. Alexandrines sung his praise and called him god. It is the gods who pass judgment on men, manipulating them with fortune and punishment. They confound mortals with inauspicious events that test faith and beg homage. It is a universal weakness of all gods; requiring fear and placation. Even the Christian god, one who supposedly represented compassion, was dreaded for his vengeance. Woe to those who would not be intimidated by them and woe to those gods who, after sacrifice has been offered, do not show munificence. Of what importance and respect is a god deserted by his worshipers?

Hadrian understood his responsibility to effect the current crisis in Africa. He felt the weight of it. He also realized his own mortality. Borne down by these, the approaching destination of Carthage was one tainted by tension. Word had been sent ahead that the Emperor was at hand. Plans to accommodate the royal party had been arranged months in advance, and he was expected by those who sought to gain as well as those who sought to demand from him some relief for the desiccated lands.

Carthage, a prosperous city founded on the north coast of Africa by Phoenicians, had come to be populated mostly by Greeks. The city lay on the shore of a gulf, built on a triangular peninsula covered with low hills. The site was chosen for its beauty as well as its opportune location for commerce. It became a favorite city of emperors and, although none lived there, they had showered it with gifts. Hadrian owned property here and he embellished the city's beauty with temples and several buildings given over to the people for their pleasures.

Large tracts of cultivated land were also owned by prominent Roman families and these lands were those suffering the drought. There was considerable pressure on the Emperor to relieve the situation. It was on this journey that Hadrian finished the plans begun some months before for an aqueduct to be built, one that would be supported by arches 40 meters in height. Much of the design was done by the Emperor, himself, with minimal assistance from his chief architect. Hadrian turned to a great lake in the south as the source of water to be carried to the city. As he had shown me the sketches of the final phase, I saw a renewed vitality for taking on the challenge.

"Speak of this to no one," he warned. "I offer no hope until I see for myself how the land lies and it gives me to work with, Antinoos."

On the night before arrival, I witnessed a prophetic dream. High on some promontory Hadrian had stood with arms upraised, facing a throng of Carthegians who had gathered to beg his intercession, seeking relief from the dryness that plagued the area. When the tumult had quieted, the Emperor announced that with him had come the means by which life would be returned to the soil. And from behind the hills there came forth a torrent of water that flooded the land. As they watched, blossoms appeared in the trees, flowers sprung forth in the gardens, and seedlings broke through the hard crusted fields. As the water rose, Hadrian became one with it and washed forth to the sea.

I waited until we had disembarked and settled in our quarters, a splendid complex of apartments in the center of the city, before relating the dream. With all ordained rituals completed, audiences with local dignitaries out of the way, we retreated for rest. It was not without relief that I ached to be alone with him. I had become, for the Carthegians, a great curiosity. Word of the Emperor having at his side a Greek boy who commanded his attention, had not fallen on deaf ears. They all but reached out to pinch and poke me as we walked pass the retinue assembled to greet him. Their eyes spoke what their lips could not, and I reluctantly stood my ground. His private quarters were welcomed after such an ordeal.

Hadrian dismissed all servants but one, the boy of the lashes who had been on the ship. The Emperor had taken an interest in him, one I knew to be void of desire, or so I hoped. I watched this lad keenly at first and saw no evidence other than his wish to be away from the ship to which he had been commanded. The captain had been remonstrated for his treatment of the boy, and was fined one half of his commission as payment for his abuse. Athenoseos was removed from his service and made a member of the Emperor's retinue.

"Bring us wine..."  Hadrian spoke kindly to him. "Then leave us for a while."

He turned to me. "You said this afternoon that you needed to speak. What have you on your mind, Antinoos? You have my ear whenever you wish it."

"Yes Lord. But how often have we been alone without a million ears to overhear? How do you withstand the continuous barrage for attention they all demand?"

"Selective hearing," he said, laughing. "Now you see how you can serve me, boy. Be acutely aware of what goes on around me. Remember those things you deem important; requests that sound pressing; recommendation that may pass me by, for I am not able to take all of it in. On this journey you will replace Commodus as my extra set of ears. You know how he hates to disturb his city comforts by leaving Rome."

"But, are you not thinking of Commodus as..." I was about to ask Hadrian of what I had heard regarding the Emperor's intention to make Commodus heir to the throne.

"Emperor?"

He said it bluntly. I was taken aback. It was not my place to question him about such things, no matter how close we had come to be.

"I am not yet ready to relinquish the purple, Antinoos. Commodus has much to show me before I choose that. But yes, he is a candidate, and of that I have spoken to you before. Do not press me on it. Understand how you can serve me and leave how others can do the same, to me. Now, attune yourself to what I have suggested. I will see how well you can discriminate between idle and pointless business and that which commands attention.

"Now tell me what it is that you wished to speak to me about. You seemed urgent."

I recounted my dream.

"And what do you make of it?"

"This dream relates to your plans for the aqueduct. But there is something more that goes beyond it. There was power in your words, advising the throng that your arrival and presence brought relief to the soil. There was a emphatic finality to it."

Hadrian listened intently. His eyes never left mine, but I had the distinct impression that he had retreated to inner thoughts.

"What are you suggesting, Antinoos?"

"That you announce your intentions of relief, but in those words and nothing else, for the time being. Do not detail your plans."

"Why do you say this?"

I had no clear answer other than the compelling thought that in my dream his words to the people had been expressly given without mention of the aqueduct, stating that he had brought the means of relief from the drought. I had sensed the omission of all else to be significant.

After a long pause he stood and came to me, holding my face in both hands for several silent moments, then he nodded agreement and returned to his bed, inviting me to join him.

"It will be as you suggest, Antinoos. I trust you in this."

Hadrian drank from his cup and waited for me to do the same. The manner with which he acquiesced to my recommendation surprised me. I had not thought he would not take my words seriously, with so little reason for them. He called for Athenoseos, who entered with the wine and fruit.

"I would like for you two to become friends," he said. "Be open to it!"

How strange, I thought, that he would make the comment. I took Hadrian's words as a directive and the sense of it was that he wished for me to provide Athenoseos with something he could not. I motioned that I would agree. Looking at the boy, I smiled and promised to seek him out later. Athenoseos' face lit with gratitude.

The boy was dismissed again, and alone, we ended the day in embrace, flushed with satisfaction and the expectancy of what was to come on the morrow.

The Emperor came to the multitudes who had gathered to fill the open spaces and streets near the city's center. Legions lined the edge of the swelling crowd, keeping the curious in check. When all local dignitaries had been gathered and taken their places, Hadrian stepped forward.

All of Carthage had turned out to hear his words and know for themselves what was planned as relief from the miseries forecasted due to the continued shortage of rain. There were those who looked upon him as a divine being. There were more, as of late, who thought of him as someone who having lost the favor of the gods. These were very much in evidence as the sound of the crowd rang with tension.

I stood some distance behind, sure not to place myself too close and thereby threaten the prestige of those to whom position accorded confirmation of self-importance. Already, word had spread among the crowd that the Empress was not with him, and resentment was fueled by her absence. There were others who noticed me and I felt the scrutiny, imagining their thoughts, objecting to the presumptuousness of the Emperor testing their patience in having me in full view.

None of this seemed to bother him. He had risen in good spirit, urging me to run with him in the garden. His complexion had improved with the voyage. While having his beard trimmed, he had looked at his reflection in the mirror, and had been pleased with what he saw. There were no further attacks of the nature of the one he had experienced with me in his cabin. I took particular care each day to look for tell-tale signs of blood on his pillow or his linen, and found none. I prayed to the gods that I had seen the last.

Hadrian looked impressive, dressed in the toga, his shoulder draped with a wonderful cape of purple material that glistened and radiated in the sun. About his head he wore a thin, golden diadem. His stature towered above the heads of all who surrounded him. He waited until a hush came over the throng and began to speak in a strong and forceful voice:

"Romans..., Greeks..., Legions who secure the state for which we have immense gratitude...; brothers, you have gathered here to bear witness to our presence as representative of the glory of Rome. Let there be no doubt that the miles that separate Rome from her children in the provinces will not interfere with our responsibilities here. We have been aware of your frustrations. Our ears have never closed to your petitions and supplications. Our heart has been touched with what you, my brothers, have had to endure.

"It is the presence of Rome in these lands that has assured prosperity for the Empire. The Legions and citizens have worked diligently to bring about the unification of the vast regions into one powerful force that will bring peace and wealth to the world.

"Although the gods have blessed much of what we have done, they send to us, at times, adversity that tests our mettle and resourcefulness. We come to you with hope, my brothers. Our purpose here is to bring an end to the parching of the land. We intend to fill the fields and empty rivers with a renewed life."

Hadrian raised his hands to the heavens and, with a powerful thrust of his arms he seemed to clutch the scattered clouds which had begun to appear on the horizon that morning, as though to wring from them the very water that would end the drought. Heads lifted skyward and eyes searched from horizon to horizon.

"We have come...," he said, turning to look directly at me, "to end this scourge. We pledge our word that soon the fields of Numedia will swell with grain and its warehouses will once again fill to capacity."

From the crowd there came forth a loud roar, one that rose in power until the sound hurt the ears. Upraised arms flailed the air as many threw small banners to the heavens so that the area looked like some mass state celebration. It was what they had come to hear, and the promise given was one that, for those who had been critical of the Emperor, would be the key to his loss of respect and appeal.

"So my brothers...," Hadrian lowered his right arm and kept his left one lifted, palm open and facing the multitudes. My eyes remained on him but my ears could perceive the hushed comments exchanged among those who stood on the dais, surrounding us. The Emperor continued to extol the virtues of the land and of those who occupied and tilled it. He appealed to their adventurous natures and heightened the pride for who they were, as citizens.

Behind me someone asked in a hushed tone, how the Emperor would face the angry crowd, unable to give account of the failure that would be obvious. Another whispered ironically, wondering how the Emperor planned to bring relief, as he was above bribes and only bribes seemed to move men to action. To my left I saw a bureaucrat lean close to the ear of a friend, complaining that his trade of the water rights to some spring he controlled would surely be compromised if abundant water for all was suddenly made available without cost? Much of what I heard that morning was based on greed and jealousy. They bore allegiance to his face and spoke harshly behind his back.

Hadrian had been speaking for some while when I again returned my attention to his words. I could see he had the majority on his side, as each time he concluded a sentence they cheered him on. Dried flower petals were cast at his feet. Arms were raised by the sea of bodies as he led them to promise and reconfirm their allegiances to Rome and ultimately, to himself.

"We pride ourselves in being your Emperor and friend," he said, bowing to the masses. "You have shown what greatness is possible in a people. Without each of you, the nation would not grow strong and be the power that the barbarians of lesser nations emulate. Take strength in yourselves as we do in you! Know the time of this unpleasantness has come to an end. But you must be patient and have faith that the gods have not deserted us. We bid you good fortune and take pleasure in being once more in your company.

"Know that we shall give attention to those misdeeds reported to us. Ours is a rule that must be as devoid of graft and abuse as possible. To any who have gained profit by the abuse of privilege, be warned of swift and sure punishment!

"My fellow citizens and all who have gathered here to seek some word of hope, be assured that it is at hand!"

Hadrian's words ended. He raised both arms and in what seemed like supplication, silently addressed the gods. After some moments of silence, he turned and once again allowed himself to be honored by the body politic standing near.

Hadrian had inspired hope. It was obvious from the roar of their approval. Even though he had told them little more than a promise of relief, worry deeply disturbed me that I had advised wrongly to withhold telling of his plans for the aqueduct. should he have said more? Yet, was he not the Emperor with more knowledge of these things than I? If he had thought me wrong, surely he would not have followed my advice!

In the brief moments that passed as he stood before them, I began to feel the weight of my position with him and the fact that I too, had influence! I trembled with the implied responsibility. Before my eyes I saw again the dream that had caused me to caution him, and the omen I divined from it seemed now less sure, and more likely one of my own imagination. Had I misled him?

Hadrian came to me and took my arm, wanting me to follow. With retinue behind, we climbed aboard his chariot and rode through the parted crowd. A fanfare of trumpets filled the air and the throng let us pass. I looked about me, seeing the thousands of faces as one body, and felt all the eyes on me.

The procession made its way slowly back to quarters. Hadrian touched my arm and I looked in the direction to which he pointed. On the far horizon clouds were beginning to gather even more heavily; an auspicious beginning that I hoped would give substance to the omen.

Chapter Twenty Five

Review , Early July 128 AD.

For two days we toured the Carthage countryside, reviewing troops and inspecting the fallow fields. Hadrian sketched the terrain that lay between the city and large lake to the south-west. I acted as his secretary, writing his thoughts as he spoke, taking notice of what the land offered to facilitate the building of the aqueduct.

Hadrian set his surveyors to work measuring distances between designated points. He assessed the amount of materials he thought would be needed. I was amazed at his knowledge of such things. The architects and builders would be brought together, in the evenings to review the day's estimates. They almost always agreed with his sums.

Clouds had moved in from the south and one day, a torrential rain made further work almost impossible. Hadrian's spirits rose with the level of the waters that collected in the dry riverbeds and streams. The weather held until the following day. The sun made its appearance only briefly and then the rains began again. These downpours were celebrated by many, as an omen of the Emperor's powers. This opinion was first voiced by the high priest of a local cult and shortly after, Hadrian gave a sum to have a temple dedicated to the deity of this region. Sacrifices were offered in the Emperor's honor throughout the district for having ended the drought. They said that only a god could have caused such a miracle. His belief in himself seemed to be reconfirmed.

July found us at Lambaesis, some one hundred leagues to the south west of Carthage. The purpose of this excursion was to review the legion of the III Augusta. The first day of each month was set aside as Field Day and our arrival had coincided with the event. The Army of North Africa was mostly comprised of Spanish troops, auxiliaries of foot-soldiers and cavalry who met regularly to exercise and display their skills and the competition between them was fierce. It was expected that the honor of having the Emperor in attendance would generate even more excitement than usual.

These troops were the principle defense for the North African territory, and had been so for many years. They took pride in themselves as having been in long-standing trust with Rome. The Emperor realized their loyalty and gave them what they wanted, which was his presence and recognition.

The morning of the review dawned with intense heat and the humidity was such that it was almost impossible to bear. The thought of riding in review of field maneuvers dressed in full military garb made me reconsider my sanity in having insisted in doing so, the previous evening. I had consumed too much wine and the attention paid to me by the Emperor and the Legion's commanders made me bold. I committed myself less I be thought a pampered courtesan; having come to know the type of boy who had often filled my role with other personages of importance. Seldom had they been anything other than convenient gratifiers of passion. I would be more!

Hadrian had seemed pleased when I expressed a wish to accompany him on these inspections. My desire had come less from the need to be with him, a need much less compulsive since I had grown more confident, than to show myself as a capable companion for the rigors of military life to which he was accustomed. Another reason for not wanting to be away from him was my concern for his health. Although this expedition seemed to have revived his color and strength once we had made port, there was always the expectation that another hemorrhage would occur.

The earth was damp from the rains. The sun had risen hot and full, occasionally darkened by a few drifting clouds. By mid-morning an intolerable humidity had settled like a blanket upon the land and all who stood in formation sweltered beneath armor and equipment.

The Imperial Party was accompanied by military escort. Mounted, I rode with the Emperor as we passed in review of the Legion.

"You look splendid," he said. I had been given the uniform of the horse auxiliary. My own mount, Catapult, was also liveried in the cohort's colors. Sweat beaded and fell down my neck and trickled down my back as we rode through the ranks. Hadrian appeared as cool as though he were riding without awareness of the heat.

"You will soon not notice the discomfort of your clothing if you try to think of other things, dear. You may remove your helmet and carry it."

As if to give me leave, he removed his own and cradled it in the bend of his arm while he continued speaking to the officers riding on his left. I followed his example and found myself relieved of one less source of aggravation as a slight breeze cooled me. My hair, damp, clung to my cheeks and neck and the curls which usually adorned my forehead lay limp. Hadrian turned to me again and winked playfully. With resolve I forced my mind to the duty at hand and tried not to think about my discomfort. There was more to attend to than thoughts of heat and visions of a cooling swim in the river once the review was over. I knew I had to look the man Hadrian wanted me to be, in front of his soldiers. I could revert to being the boy he treasured once we were in the privacy of our quarters. As if my own thoughts had been communicated to him, Hadrian leaned close and commented.

"It is hard for me to look upon you as you are now, Antinoos. The man in you becomes more difficult to hide. You could be taken for any one of those young men in the ranks. I am reminded again of the time that had passed since we first met, and of how your youthful skin shone delicately in that afternoon's light."

I was different! His words made me wonder if he yearned for the youth I had once been? Did he find me still as attractive as he had first seen me? Was I still as exciting to him, with my boyhood gone and the signs of manhood beginning to show? Where there had once been downy hairs. Silken and almost invisible upon my cheek, there was now the trace of a shadow and I resisted taking to plucking it out or using a razor, as I did not want to hasten the growth; I had been told this would happen.

My body remained smooth and hairless, except for the growth between my legs and I took care to keep it trimmed and thinned. My penis took on the darkness of manhood and its thickness increased so that, while I was proud of its size, I worried that Hadrian would not find it as attractive as he had when I was a boy. It was also thought by many that large genitals were characteristic of barbarians. The fact that he had not yet shown signs of displeasure did not keep me from worrying.

"Do you desire the young man you see?" I asked. "Am I still to your liking?"

He looked into my eyes and saw my fear. I knew he understood my doubt.

"We will speak of this later, Antinoos. Be attentive to what is at hand!"

His response had been an admonition. Hadrian returned his attention to those riding beside him and I, to the specters which haunted me about the permanence of a relationship that seemed secure yet so susceptible to whims and influences beyond my control.

With the Imperial Review at an end, the cohorts reassembled before the platform that had been constructed for the purpose of the Emperor's address to the troops. His ascension to it was greeted with tumultuous cheers which not only told of their admiration for him as their leader, but also gave evidence to their gratefulness for his intercession in ending the drought. The moisture in the fields and water in the wells had assuaged the populace and made them less inclined to rebellion. For it is the nature of men to shower praise on their protectors in times of plenty, and condemn them and hold them to account for all misfortunes when adversity strikes. Rulers and gods share the same fate when sharing the same fickled worshippers!

Hadrian looked strong and unaffected by the heat and the day's demands. Only those near to him could see the lines of fatigue near his eyes, hear his heavy breathing, and see the sweat dripping from his brow. He dried himself with a cloth I handed him, while waiting for the soldiers to quiet. Once done, he moved close to the edge of the platform and looked down into their faces.

"I bring you the gratitude and salutation from your countrymen in Rome, and from the Roman Senate! Legionnaires of the Third Augusta, you have proven yourselves worthy of respect, in the past. Today I have witnessed you as you were before this plight was sent by the gods to test you. It was brought to my attention some months ago that discipline had given way to disorder. There have been those among you who have used your positions to enhance your station at the expense of Rome's good name. Not all of you have abused your privileges as soldiers and citizens. To those who have held fast to responsibility and honor, I salute the pride you have shown in your country and Emperor. I praise your honesty! To those who have chosen deceit and mendacity,. be it known that judgment will be passed!

"Your leaders have explained to me on your behalf why I should be ready to make allowances for any falling short of efficiency I may have noticed. You have been reduced in numbers. One of your battalions is absent today from necessity; serving at this time as the Governor's Guard. Then again, some of you have to be continually away on outpost duty at one of many scattered frontier settlements. And again two years ago your numbers were further diminished by the sending of one entire battalion with four men besides from each of the other regimental companies in order to recruit the strength of your comrades of the Third Regiment."

Hadrian addressed the many segments of what made up the Legion. To each, he said something that recognized their past efforts. He praised the Cavalry for their military exercises of precision and for following the rules of said exercises that if ignored, would result in absolute confusion and complication. He lauded them for their choice of that difficult exercise of javelin-hurling at full gallop while bearing cuirasses; metal or thick leather armor which protects the mid-section.

"...You have not failed to interest and please me in spite of this heat because you have done just exactly what you had to do. You have shown me also some stone-slinging and missile-fighting. Your jumping is most creditable. That my Legate Catullinus has taken great pains with you is proved by the fact that he has made you what you are today."

To the Second "Mounted" Cohort of Spaniards, he extolled their resourcefulness and dedication to working with the earth in the construction of forts.

"Within my own recollection too, you had not only to change camp twice, but set to work to build the new camp yourselves. Entrenchment's which others take many days to construct, you finished in a single day. You built a wall quite good enough for permanent winter quarters in a time hardly longer than that wanted for a rampart of sods of earth.... I compliment my Legate Catullinus, on his choice of maneuvers so like real warfare for your training, and for practicing you so well in these that I am able to congratulate you all very heartily on the result. Cornelianus too, your own commander, is an excellent officer..."

Hadrian ended his address with a reminder that greatness comes only with discipline and order. He stated numerous times his disgust for those who put their own fortunes and welfare before that of the State, and promised to punish all whose names came before him who were found guilty of abuse of station or rank. He promised to elevate those who held to their reputation and responsibility, and to remove or demote those who had forfeited pride for pleasure. He invited them to recollect their past greatness and bring honor back to the Legion.

His speech filled me with enthusiasm, as though I were one of the many of the Legion who he charged to excel. The air filled with a great resound from the men who so obviously loved and respected him. Hadrian turned to the Legate and officers behind him, and touched each in a friendly embrace. His hand extended to invite me to join him and, as I took my place beside him he descended the platform.

We rode away knowing that the most difficult task was yet at hand. Hearings to pass judgment on the transgressors would be conducted for the remainder of our stay. Hadrian knew that among the ones to be punished he would need to confront soldiers long in service, many who he knew by name and in whom he had placed trust.

Chapter Twenty Six

Between Two Posts,  Mid-July 128 AD.

It had been a strenuous week. Much had been done to rectify the decline of morale and instability of the land and people. Work on the aqueduct was begun as architects drew the plans and compiled lists of materials that would be required. It was decided that a thousand Roman artisans and laborers would be sent from Rome to assist the local work force. Hadrian allotted a large sum of money for this project and deposited it with the Regional Prefect. This man had been found more honest than corrupt, during the investigation. Although he had taken advantage of his position by accepting payments for favors granted, these had not been notorious or excessive. it was understood that certain posts had, as their right, benefits not specifically assigned. Abuse of power was judged by greed and boldness. The Prefect had been neither. Hadrian reaffirmed his trust by making this man the responsible party for managing the accounts, thereby imposing a guarantee of loyalty.

Satisfied that the gods were again smiling upon him, his spirits rose and his mood improved. Fatigue was hidden behind his smile and laughter. With the serious business of court protocol and the military reviews laid aside, Hadrian allotted some days for pleasure before our next official inspection at Larai.

A small cortege of friends, prominent citizens, and some high-ranking military rode into the near-by hills, led by the Emperor. We were to hunt boar and a variety of other game animals found in abundance about the forested slopes.

Having made camp that night, we dined sumptuously on game caught that day. The soldiers in attendance were happy to get something other than their usual meal of grain, vegetables, and cheese. The bread, I was told and eventually came to experience, was almost always stale and hard, the vegetables seldom fresh, and the cheese so unpalatable that it was often left untouched. Such was the standard military diet. All this would be washed down with a low-grade wine. Meat was served only for special celebrations.

On the morrow, we broke camp and mounted before sun-up. The scorching heat was already in evidence and an early start would get us to the river just when the game arrived for morning drink. This valley offered a particular variety of large cat that Hadrian considered a challenge. He often took pleasure in placing himself in danger. The hunt, at this point, placed a strain on our relationship as I was not looking forward to being exposed to the perils everyone said would face us. I was yet unsure of my marksmanship and the little training I had received had not made me bold enough to face such a beast without trepidation. Hadrian seemed almost undaunted by my concern.

We had been sitting quietly one evening, after a long day's hunt. Boar enough to feed the entire camp had been killed. Hadrian was still charged by the excitement of the chase. He was stained with dust and sweat but very excited, exhibiting a fervor and zest that I had not often been privy to observe. I continued bathing his face and shoulders as I spoke.

"You know I have no experience in this, Lord. You have more faith in my abilities than I have in myself. I speak frankly in saying that tomorrow's hunt makes me anxious."

Hadrian took my arm and drew me around to face him, pulling me to kneel at his feet.

"You have come far, Antinoos. Yet you continue to doubt yourself and all that is within you, comes slowly. Open your heart and mind to all that you are! You learn quickly. You have watched me and you can watch me again tomorrow. Experience instructs like no other teacher."

I laid my head upon his knee and reached to stroke his arm.

"Do you not tire of having me as a student? Am I not a nuisance?"

"You are both a pleasure and a burden," he said, playing with the curls at my neck. "I delight in your growth. I watch with interest how you deal with what is around you. Many in your position would be unable to withstand the scrutiny and pettiness of our detractors. You show courage. This has moved me to be less protective of you, and that is a reduced burden.

"But you also indulge yourself in fatalistic speculation about the future of our relationship. Thoughts are living things, Antinoos! Once given birth, they grow strong in our minds even when we are not aware of their presence. And thoughts ripple outward to the universe like rings of water set in motion by a tossed stone. Thoughts give direction to our every waking action and ultimately influence everything and everyone we touch. See clearly what is fact and reality.

"Antinoos, I give you leave to question me about the thoughts that cause you distress. There is more to this anxiety than the fear of hunting the cat. Of late, your face has been more shadowed with concern. At first I ascribed your mood to this journey and the newness of being in such a public posture. Your status as boy-companion to the Emperor leaves you open to all manner of public speculation. They look to find weakness in you. How well you fare in their judgment is a reflection on my own character in having chosen you."

"And this very judgment of you," I said, "is what makes me fearful of tomorrow. I fear that I will disappoint you."

He placed his finger to his lips to silence me. "Be reassured that you are most precious to me, Antinoos. You bring sunshine and tenderness to a life that has been burdened with the weight or responsibility, one seldom free from the public eye. Each moment together is like an oasis, a time of quiet and peace that sustains me through the storms."

"Yes, but could someone else not give you this?"

He smiled, took my head between his hands and kissed my lips.

"How foolish it would be for me to seek something that is already mine? I have what I need Antinoos. It is you!"

"There are so many others. Are you never tempted?"

"Temptation is constant. The eye wanders. No man or woman has existed who, even with a lover that is constant, has not seen pleasures and temptations. It is natural. I look at you and realize my treasure. I will make love to no other as long as we are united."

The words could not extinguish the flame of doubt. How long would he continue finding me desirable? And what of his illness? Few Emperors had ruled for as long as he had been in power. Roman history is filled with rulers who have been quietly or violently disposed. Few have died of natural causes or old age.

The Emperor had not yet officially chosen his successor. No Emperor has been without enemies or supposed friends aspiring for the throne. My tutor never failed to point out these facts or those events. No matter how well he ruled, there were detractors in the Senate and enemies abroad who would stand to gain from his deposition. There has always been a lucrative business of dispensing poisonous potions, in Rome. And what would my fate be, then?

Hadrian called for Athenoseos, who entered with a flagon of wine and morsels to eat. Since his escape from the ship, Athenoseos had gained weight and his cheeks were no longer sunken as they had  been when we had first met. Seeing him now, it was obvious that he was happier. I no longer felt him a threat for there had been no cause for suspicion.

I questioned him about my concerns.

"You find him attractive?" I asked cautiously.

Athenoseos responded quickly, knowing exactly what I meant.

"You enjoy men, Antinoos. I do not! It is not that I have not bedded with them. I have, and the act has satisfied me when it was not forced. But much of my experience with men has been men I have disliked intensely. It is not my nature. I have acted the part of the woman only to save my skin or to make my life more tolerable. Left to my own taste, I would choose a woman."

Athenoseos was younger than I by two years, but in so many ways he was much older. His life had been one of toil and abuse until Hadrian had lifted him from his misery.

"The Emperor is a handsome man. You are fortunate that he has chosen you," Athenoseos spoke candidly. "He is a good man. Because of him I look forward to each day. I used to curse the gods for my fate. I know now that I have been given an opportunity seldom offered to others such as I."

It was highly unusual for a boy to go directly into the Emperor's service without careful grooming. Athenoseos was engaged by Hadrian's commend and against the better judgment of his advisors. Hadrian had decided that Athenoseos had suffered enough. The paedagogium training was long and arduous and more abuse would have been experienced there.

"Be assured," Athenoseos continued. "The Emperor has never approached me in that manner, nor has he given me sign that the thought has crossed his mind. We do not compete, Antinoos. I value my position and am resolved to do nothing that would put me in danger."

I was shamed for not trusting Hadrian, there having been no cause to doubt his love or faithfulness. Yet the thought that he might consider seeing someone else, that he might feel the need to be with someone other than I, plagued me. For this, I vilified myself with all manner of self-deprecation; all as result of deep insecurity. It was detestable behavior to which I felt ashamed to admit but clung to with sickening resolve.

We rose before the sun and saddled our mounts with speed. Once reaching the area in which the great cats foraged, we stopped to take food. Hadrian had been careful to choose his weapon, a great bow that stood as tall as he. He handed a similar one to me, and when I tried to flex it to attach the string I found it almost impossible to bend. He showed me how it was done, bracing the end with one foot and with a quick, firm motion the top relented enough to loop the string into its notch.

It took me several attempts to master the technique to his satisfaction. When done, he smiled with satisfaction. I had passed his test. The strength required made me realize just how beneficial my exercises with the Praetorian Guards had been, at Villa Hadriana.

Catapult sensed the excitement of the hunt and every fiber of her body was attuned to my commands. With Borysthenes galloping beside her, she swung her head from side to side and snorted wildly to show her fervor. I rode proudly beside the Emperor, fully aware of the eyes upon us, realizing the favorable impression I was making with my riding and stature.

Hadrian instructed aides to ride ahead and look for tracks at a watering hole that lay nestled between two small hills in the distance. They returned to report they had found evidence of a kill, with much disturbed earth and blood stained tracks which led back in the direction from which we came. The party divided with groups of riders fanning to the left and right. It was believed the cats had carried the carcass into the tall grasses that lay between us and the watering hole. Careful to ride into the wind, the horses became quieted
as though understanding the need for stillness. After some distance, the Emperor raised his arm.

"Dismount," he said. "We walk from here. Take care that each man has someone behind to cover a miss. Be silent! They may be feeding, but are never so hungry that they become less watchful."

With the horses left in care of a groom, six of us began to walk into the high grass, listening for sounds that would indicate feeding animals. Hadrian sniffed the air.

"Can you smell them," he said, showing he knew the prey was in the vicinity. It amused me how, occasionally, he stopped and flared his nostrils to take in the odor on the wind such as I had seen the hounds doing in times past. I tried to do the same but could get no scent other than my own and of the surrounding grasses.

"There is no mistaking the smell of cat," he said. "I should have known it in my youth when I met the one who gave me this," he pointed to his side where there still remained the scar of that encounter. "Their urine leaves no doubt. But you can also smell the kill. Stay close behind, Antinoos. The beast could come charging through without a moment's notice. She may already know we are about and waits for the first sign of moving grass to make her leap."

Suddenly the comfort I felt with him was dissipated by the thought that I could have a killer at my rear, ready to tear me open and drag me off. I looked behind.

"Have your arrow ready, but hold it at your side.

It is too easy for it to discharge as we walk among the reeds. Pull clean, Antinoos. Load it quickly and pull clean," he whispered. "Wait for me to shoot and should I miss or should the shot not be mortal, I will step aside and let you fire."

We carefully continued our way between the clumps of reeds and althea. For the moment my mind wandered as I thought of the times grandfather and I had gathered the plant which he used in medicine, and almost walked into Hadrian. He had stopped, raised his hand, and now stood motionless.

"Listen," he said, pointing to a place beyond sight to our left. I began to distinguish something different from the sound made by the wind passing through the reeds.

"They are feeding, still," he said, whispering in my ear. "Hear? I detect at least two."

The sound was faint, but clear. Growls punctuated the stillness as they devoured the meal. Then it seemed to me that I detected a pungent scent, but could not be sure it was not a trick of my imagination.

"There's no mistaking that," I commented, turning up my nose at the scent of ammonia, now undeniable.

"We are interlopers here, Antinoos. They are fierce beasts and will defend their territory and their kill. Follow quietly, boy. Come!"

Hadrian moved cautiously, step by step, always watching where he placed his foot. Behind, the others followed to my right, some none too quiet for the business at hand.

"Will they not frighten the animals?" I whispered. "They are much too loud."

"To our favor lad. By now the cats have heard what we have heard and they will come our way. They attempt escape first, before charging.” He explained with patience. “Stand your ground. We will wait here."

Everything around us was silent save the noise of the other party. Those behind understood the tactic and waited for the cats to be flushed in our direction. Then the silence was broken by a thunderous roar that sounded too close for my comfort but Hadrian, poised, strung his bow and chose an arrow. The thick projectile was tipped with a sharp bronze point that was barbed on each side to remain in the flesh when it struck. I moved three paces behind and waited, my own arrow pointed to the ground.

Hadrian turned and looked at me, and the gleam in his eye told me of what he was about to do and I could not believe it; sure he would not give me such a challenge.

Before I could discuss the questionable sanity of the decision with him, he moved aside and bid I take the first shot. My feet turned to stone. My arms seemed to lose all sense of feeling. I strained to keep the bow raised and aimed. I dared not look at him but kept my gaze focused on the tall grass ahead, looking for any sign of the charging beasts.

"For the love of Jove, Hadrian, what are you trying to do to me...!" I called to him, my voice sounding angrier than it should. "Are you mad?"

"Silence," he said sternly. "Pay attention to what you are doing and make your aim true. Others behind you are alert. Take the first beast that appears. The other will be attended to."

Then less sternly and with concern in his voice, Hadrian blew me a kiss as he covered me with his weapon.

"I have trust in your ability, my love. Believe in yourself. Little is learned when little is risked."

Conversation was stopped by the sound of an approaching animal, obvious as the tall grasses were flung aside as it ran through them. The cat's sound was now so close that I could feel the reverberations of its growls against my body. The only thing that kept me from pissing was pride. I did have an image to uphold! Looking back now, I see how committed I was to the pride of my position and of keeping myself clear of any cause for humiliation that would reflect on Hadrian. In the most dire of times it seems, I was conscious of stately decorum.

I recall the exact moment I let loose the string and in slow motion, the arrow flew to its mark. The spotted cat had broken through the reeds and was headed straight for me, its mouth open with fangs still dripping with the blood of its meal. I saw its eyes take in all it could see, trying to decide which intruder it would charge and tear apart. The cat stopped in stride for a moment as the tip of the arrow entered through the breast bone between its front legs. Before it fell, Hadrian shot his arrow and it entered at the neck. Two females that followed it behind were likewise brought down by others who had stood ready for any event. Three cats lay before us. The male, still alive, was thrashing in its last attempts to rise. I drew another arrow and approached slowly. Before I let loose the shot, the cat stopped moving and its large head became still.

"Was it my head or his that you wanted for a trophy?" I said to the Emperor, hysterically. "You practically killed me, Hadrian. Did you have that much confidence?"

He placed both hands on my shoulders and I saw an injured look in his eyes.

"Dear Antinoos, did you think I would allow harm to come to you? Your beauty will never be marred by my hand."

He embraced me, caring little that we were being observed.

"My purpose was to have you experience your courage. You have learned that you posses the strength. Do not deny your abilities! I am proud of what you have done today!"

Chapter Twenty Seven

Rome, Again, Late July 128 AD.

The end of July saw us on the seas again, returning to Italy. Hadrian's mission to the northern regions of Africa had been more successful than he had hoped. The deluge had reaffirmed his connection with the gods and many had begun to believe that he was one, himself! In my eyes this was not far from the truth.

I have witnessed him in full military garb, with the heat of the African sun at high noon, riding with head held high and with barely a trace of perspiration while I, riding beside him, was soaked through with sweat and close to collapse. He looked most majestic in armor and helmet, solidly seated on Borysthenes, challenging the rest who followed. The man transcended his mortal bonds and filled me with an awe that only a god could command.

Day after day of review, we walked and rode through endless lines of legions. The weather had offered no relief, until the miracle of the rains arrived. I faced each day with the fear that it would be the one which would mark my inability to withstand the hardships which the legions bore. It was this fear that forced the resolve not to give in to the heat, thirst, the aching back and buttocks, the endless insects and ever-present scrutiny of those who hoped to see me falter. I long for the peace and comfort of my apartments at Villa Adriana.

Hadrian was most pleased with himself. In spite of his high spirits and good humor on the last days before departure, I noticed lines of fatigue about his eyes and a sallow color to his skin. I remained alert for signs of seizures. His physician had recently made comment that the Emperor showed symptoms of an ailment for which he was concerned, and requested I report all I saw to him. Understanding Hadrian’s distaste for being ill or considered so, I began to search his clothing and bedding for evidence of bleeding. It was not something he would share freely with me.

On the return voyage to Rome Hadrian busied himself with records of Senate business and other issues that would demand his attention upon his arrival.

I passed time in talks with Athenoseos, who opened to me and confided stories of his horrid experiences as a boy kidnapped from his village and sold into slavery. From the age of four he had been used sexually by a host of abusers, finally being handed over to the ship owner in lieu of payment of a debt. The owner had shown him no less kindness and had used him regularly as substitute for a wife, while on the high seas. Athenoseos looked to me as a protector and this gave me a filial sense towards him that I rather enjoyed. I encouraged this relationship and promised to speak to Hadrian about finding a position for him that would keep us together.

Then there were my lessons with Antipas. He had reduced our time together while I had accompanied Hadrian on reviews, but now took our restricted environment to make up for the lessons lost. He drove me for the three hours assigned, each morning.

I also sought out Charbrias, who had made contact with associates in Carthage; soothsayers and astrologers who had deep knowledge of signs and stars. With Charbrias, I increased my own understanding of the craft in an attempt to find answers to dreams and vague premonitions I had recently begun to experience. In Carthage, as I had walked the bazaar unattended, trying to blend with the local population, an ancient crone had appeared at my side and looked me in the eyes. Her own eyes were completely blinded by an opaque film. She touched my hair, feeling the curls, and then traced her finger over my brow, nose, and mouth. I should have flung her from me and run quickly from the place, but I stood still and allowed her the freedom. I was held, unable to move! The hag came near and her mouth, so close I could smell the foul breath, hot on my face, spoke.

"You are he!" She whispered. "I make no mistake of these features. None other exists! Your purpose is almost met. You will know it soon enough. Do not challenge it but trust the signs! Mysteries will be revealed to you which will make clear a difficult journey."

"What are you speaking about, old woman?" I stood motionless, feeling myself held by her words. "How do you come to accost me without knowing my name or who I am?"

The crone smiled for the first time and I saw that she was toothless and her mouth was dark with some substance she must have been chewing.

"You walk in the shadow of the Emperor. Your name will be known, Bithynian!"

As a crowd of merchants passed, the hag broke from me and lost herself among the throng. I was stunned that she had identified me so clearly. Her words echoed similar predictions that had been told to me before.

My compulsion to know what destiny had in store, pressed me to seek out Charbrias to see what he could learn. He was cautious with what he told me when I asked about the Emperor. This made me anxious, as I believed that he knew more than what he agreed to share. I listened to what he had to say and used discretion about appearing too curious. My inquiry could be misunderstood by some and much could be made of it. I busied myself as best I could to use whatever I learned, to find answers in my charts. Time passed and within a few days we approached the port of Ostia.

Hadrian was met at Ostia by Commodus. They retired within the Emperor's quarters on board the ship and remained for some time before we departed on horseback, for Rome. Commodus remained at Hadrian' side and I assumed they discussed gossip and court intrigues. Although Commodus was cordial upon our meeting, he paid me little attention on our way to Rome. I rode some distance away from them, with Antipas and Athenoseos at my side. Hadrian had agreed to retain Athenosoes and instructed me to take him to Villa Adriana, where he would be put to work with the small staff of slaves who managed my household.

It was in late afternoon that we arrived in Rome. Word of the Emperor's return had spread more quickly than one of those horrid fires that so often sweeps through some domus or suburb, this being a commonplace occurrence in this city. Like such an event when crowds pour into the streets to witness the catastrophe, and the entire city becomes infused with a spark of the excitement that turns the disaster into a public spectacle, so was the mood we encountered on our way from Ostia. It was magnified a hundredfold by the city's teeming population.

All around, the streets and alleys were jammed with spectators. Banners and other festive paraphernalia filled the space above our heads with merriment. Little is needed for the Roman to escape his work and partake of some momentary diversion. From every balcony and window citizen and slave alike called greetings. They lined the roof-tops, eager to see the Emperor. They pushed and crowded each other so that tempers became short and I witnessed the eruption of numerous fist fights, these seeming to be especially prevalent among the lower classes of the outer suburbs.

Not all the excitement was of joy and praise! There were some along the way who made known their dislikes for the government and state. Jeers and slanders were flung freely. Occasionally it was necessary to move quickly to avoid an over-ripened melon or other projectile thrown by a dissatisfied citizen who may have recently been refused a petition or request, or may have been recently required to pay a long-ignored tax. But these objectionable people were few. Hadrian allowed them their ire and did not have them arrested as other emperors of the past would have done, and then serving them to the lions on the next game day. Hadrian insisted that, short of physical attack, those who disagreed with him or the Senate, be allowed to express their opinions.

He rode stoically. Once reaching the city proper he motioned for me to join him and I followed at his side, leaving my two companions behind. The sun had begun its decline, but the heat still trapped the city and the aromas of the vendors of victuals blended with the stench of the sewers to make one indistinguishable smell that pervaded everywhere.

The procession made its way through the great arch of Titus and long the Via Sacra, to the Forum. There, he stopped and saluted his Praetorian Guards and the Vestals. Hadrian rode to the steps of the Temple of Concordia where the senate had gathered, waiting to give their greeting. Hadrian dismounted and spoke to each man, exchanging a handshake and a few words. He climbed the steep steps and entered the temple to pay homage to the Goddess Concordia, for her benevolence. Truly, his mission had been blessed!

The next two hours were filled with the formalities of being briefed by the Senate of the events that had transpired in his absence, and with meeting those he had left in charge. While the Emperor was engaged in this business, I looked for Gracchus but saw him nowhere. I had hoped he would have accompanied Salvus Julianus, now in conference with Hadrian.

Having met his official responsibilities, we were finally left alone within the quiet of his chambers upon the Palatine. I stood at an open window and looked out across the city as it resumed activity. To the citizens of Rome, emperors were but diversions. Had they not exemplified this in the past by removing any who fell out of favor? A quick thrust of a dagger by a supposed friend or hired assassin was the most expedient action to show a loss of confidence! A Roman's true love was business and trade, and the art of legislation was outweighed only by the games. The Emperor returned to his lover and Rome returned to the making of money and laws.

The city filled with shadows. The marble of Rome had gone from white to gold, and then to the color that had too often stained the steps of the Senate. Finally it reached its ghostly paleness as the moon took its place in the heavens. It was a large moon, one that shed light against the sides of the Amphitheatrun Flavium.

As I gazed into the star-lit heaven I thought of my mother and wondered if she might be looking at the same moon, seeing the same stars. I beheld her face before me as I had seen it last; her
eyes filled with tears for her only son who was leaving for parts of the world unknown to her. I felt her lips on mine and recalled her words as we had held each other in embrace...

"Look to the stars, Antinoos. They will guide your destiny. But never let your feet lose touch with the earth! You are being given an opportunity which few are awarded. I fear the price will be great and hope you take heed to consider each moment carefully!"

Seeing the stars in the vast firmament, I wondered of what they could tell me and of whether I had need to spend more time with them?

I was happy to be alone with him. The silence of the Palatine was cast about the city. Lamps and hearth-fires appeared in distant windows and doorways. We stood, hand in hand, and watched together nighttime phantoms moving in the darkness, carrying torches that lit the way to a multitude of private destinations.

Finally I turned and faced him. "Have I passed the test?"

He smiled and still holding my hand, led me to the divan. I poured wine.

"Come..," I continued. "Tell me this voyage was not that!"

"Have I need to confirm what you already know? But it was more, Antinoos. This experience was necessary for you to become aware of your strengths. It has also established you without question, as a part of my party. My men in the field have seen you, and they approve. Word will travel quickly throughout the legions all over the Empire that the Emperor's boy can hold his own.

"I have more to tell you. We will remain in Rome only a short time. Soon, we will depart for Greece, where we will winter before setting off on an extensive journey that will take us in a great arc from Hellas to the East, through Syria and down to Judaea and Egypt.

"Take the time to see those who have meaning to you. Use the days allotted, to prepare. Plan well and pack economically. We will cover much territory."

My thoughts went out to my mother.

"Shall we pass near Claudiopolis?"

"You would like her with you? I shall arrange to have her brought here. But not until we return, for it would be better for her to remain with family and friends until you are available in Rome once more. She would find only loneliness here without you."

"Greece.." I said, as though saying some magic word that would suddenly produce an enchantment. "There is no other place I want most to share with you, Lord. I have seen your eyes become lost in thoughts and you face has softened when memories of the place have filled you. I know the Greeks are much admired by you. I look forward to what they can teach me."

Hadrian pulled an amulet from the folds of his clothing, one unfamiliar to me. It was made of some hard wood in which three figures were carved.

"Is it Greek?" I asked. "Who are they?"

There was a naked youth facing a woman, and another standing behind him.

"This comes from Eleusis, where the Great Mysteries are given to many. The boy is young Triptolemus, King of Eleusis. He faces the Goddess Demeter, and receives her blessing before embarking on a journey to teach the cultivation of the earth and of wheat, to mankind.

"Behind him stands Kore, her daughter. You will come to know them well, Antinoos. They represent essential truths that have been given to us by the gods. There is much to know about the forces of life and death!"

I wondered if Hadrian had read my thoughts. I had often been troubled with the question of my purpose and destiny; how had the gods decided to use me? That I was somehow part of a plan, a link to his existence, I had no doubt! But how could I come to know my part? It was something I felt compelled to understand.

Hadrian spoke with gravity in his voice.

"I have taken the initial mysteries at Eleusis. There are more. We will experience knowledge of the underworld together. You will come to understand that there is little to fear of death."

"But do you not fear death?"

Hadrian seemed to go within himself to search for the answer.

"Not death! I fear most the possibility of not completing what I have set out to do before my spirit joins the gods."

He put the amulet away.

"Ask no more, Antinoos. I can say nothing of the mysteries, for we are sworn to secrecy. No one must speak of this experience. For now be patient and prepare yourself. Tomorrow you must go about your business and leave me to mine. There is much to do. I will meet with Sabina, as she will accompany us on most of the journey and much needs to be arranged.

"Return to the villa and rest. You have earned it. Now, let us take this night as our own!"

Chapter Twenty Eight

The Limits of Gods, Late August 128 AD.

My fate was sealed at the end of the summer of the first year of the 226th Olympiad. I prepared myself for a journey that would last longer than I had planned. The Emperor met with all those who would govern in the ensuing months. Arrangements were made with regional prefects all about the Eastern Provinces and those of Judaea and Egypt, to be prepared for the Imperial Party; dates were left open, as Hadrian did not want to follow a restrictive schedule.

I returned to Villa Adriana with Athenoseos. He appeared startled by the splendor of the grounds and of the surrounding mountains and countryside. My own quarters astounded him that I should be accorded such comfort. I kept him close for the first few days of preparation, wanting to make him understand that he would not be abandoned to the regular staff, upon my departure. He would accompany me on the journey. This seemed to elate him, and he showed more care for my person and my every needs than I felt comfortable in accepting. He loved me. I saw it in his eyes.

Athenoseos was beautiful. Gone was the lack-luster of his skin from too many days at sea and below deck, in squalid quarters. Fresh air and sun had bronzed him and increased his vigor. His slight body lost its femininity with exercise.

He was unused to having anyone consider him as anything but a slave. Being accorded dignity and respect unsettled him at first. His fondness for me was returned, and I grew protective. I often found him looking at me with those deep-set eyes and was moved to touch his cheek with affection. Athenoseos offered himself to me, once, thinking my own appetite was a function of his duties. But I declined. My love for him was one expressed in kindness and care. Once understood, he became more a friend than servant.

The morning hours were given to lessons with Antipas. Athenoseos joined me and learned the art of script. Afternoons were spent collecting all that would be needed for the journey. Before dinner as the sun began to set, we would mount and ride the surrounding countryside sharing the hidden pastoral places I had come to discover.

By the second week I received word that Hadrian wanted me to return for final preparations. Rome was hot and humid. It had been so for the entire month of August. I had been grateful for my location at Tibur where the elevation had offered respite from the discomforts felt so keenly in the city. I saw, upon entering the city, that the heat was affecting its citizens. We were accosted by short tempers and recalcitrance. No pool or fountain was saved from the onslaught of naked, bathing children trying to keep cool. Water was in short supply and its use was rationed. When the fountains had been turned off, many had complained and disruption had spread throughout the city so that officials had been forced to reactivate them. Plants and flowers which had always lent color to the balconies of buildings, now lay wilted and dying. The city's parks, usually green and cool, were yellow, dried, and deserted.

Hadrian showed the effect of too much time spent in a city he disliked, compelled to perform tasks that were, at best, perfunctory. His energy was stimulated by such things as the planning of new buildings, projects he had initiated throughout the empire; works that tapped his knowledge of architecture and design. It was for this reason that he looked forward to his return to Athens, the city of his youth. Much of his soul was invested in that place. All his ideals for the unification and intellectual development of his empire were symbolized by what this Greek city represented in its past. Greeks had shown the world what was possible by allowing expression of thought and the freedom of speech. Hadrian designed his reign on Hellenistic principles and was constantly criticized for it in spite of the fact that the Empire had flourished and seldom had so much been done for its citizens. Prosperity and liberal living conditions were a result of his statesmanship that all enjoyed.

Upon my arrival I went directly to him and found him deeply in thought, praying at a little shrine dedicated to Apollo adjacent to his quarters.

"Come," he said. "Apollo will be awaiting us at his shrine at Delphi. Speak to him now, Antinoos. There is much we must learn from the Oracle, there. You too will have a chance to hear her words. I know much troubles you about what is to come. Your worries are not lost to me, boy. We will make the journey to Mount Parnassus together and there, pay our respects to the God and seek his wisdom."

For some moments I sat silently, looking respectfully upon the face of the young god and recalled the tale told by my mother. The slopes of Parnassus, once beautiful, had once been dark and somber. An opening leading down to the unknown and to the whispers of Mother Earth had been guarded by the dragon Python. This dragon had grown old and its ill temper had driven away all the nymphs and birds so that the region had become like its protector. Apollo, in his golden chariot, had flown down upon the Python and slew him with a thousand silver arrows. The hillsides were again bathed in golden light and once more the nymphs and birds returned. The oracle became Apollo's voice and it was his words which she spoke.

My dark thoughts were like the Python. They attracted fear and filled me dread of the unknown. How much longer could I share his love and life? How longer would my beauty keep his eyes from others? How many more years would I enjoy the benevolence of the gods? Often, a darkness would overtake me and I could not shake it. At first Hadrian implored me to think of other things to occupy my mind with distractions. But time showed him that these moods were a part of my nature. Only patience could over-ride the gloom. Would Apollo send light into my soul?

"There is little that I can hide from you," I said. "You have seen my moods. They are sparked by uncertainty."

"Of what?" Hadrian looked at me curiously.

"Of what we are to each other. For your welfare. I have seen the effects of the illness which you try so hard to hide. I love you and have concern! I also fear for myself, and it is not easy for me to admit it. What will be the price extracted from me for the gifts I have received through you?"

"Do you perceive me as a nemesis?"

I had not planned to disclose my strange contacts with the soothsayers, but I felt compelled to speak of them at last.

"I know not what to believe! I have been approached by some who claim to have seen something in me that speaks of calamity. My relationship with you has been noted. Our purpose together, frightens me."

His countenance filled me with apprehension. There was hurt in his eyes.

"Do you fear me, Antinoos?"

"Not you! I know you love me. I have seen it in a thousand ways. You have more power than any other mortal, yet there are things even you cannot control. The gods have purpose and what it is, I know not. I want to know! Words spoken to me by my grandfather, long ago, move me to question my path upon this earth. He said I had a destined meeting with the stars. He would not explain more, and I think, could not. It is a theme that reoccurs. I must know it!"

Hadrian rose and I followed. We left his quarters and walked along the gardens that ran behind the palace complex and followed a path that led past several fountains and a pond. In this remote place we sat. The sound of running water and a slight breeze brought about by the setting sun, cooled the place and I found it comfortable. There, beneath the emerging stars, we sat in silence.

"You'll be pleased to know..," he began after some moments, expressing a lighthearted tone, "...that Lucius Commodus has chosen not to accompany us to Greece, but will follow later. For those months, we will spend them alone together."

He was correct in his assumption. Commodus, in spite of our apparent truce, was still a disturbance to me. I suspected his relationship with the Emperor and could not find it in my heart to allow it with without concern. The times they spent together, I felt as an intrusion on our own. Therefore I looked forward to Greece, when we would share the place he loved most.

Commodus had little good to say about the race of Greeks, and even less about the city of Athens. He felt the Greeks had lost what little glory they had once possessed. The Romans, he said, had taken Hellenistic traditions in the arts and civic affairs and added more than they had taken. Roman literature of Catulus, Virgil, Horace, and Ovid had no need to take second place to Aristophanes, Euripides, Aeschylus, or Thucydides. Commodus left no opportunity untouched to put forth his views, whenever Hadrian praised his Greeks! Hearing that Lucius Commodus would remain in Rome for at least several months pleased me greatly, and this pleasure was obvious.

"You have your own duty and position by my side, Antinoos. Do not fear him. He is more your ally and friend than you suppose! Lucius has his eyes on greater things than re-establishing a relationship which is, at best, ill conceived. He takes nothing from you!"

"But he speaks ill of me. I know it!"

After the words had left my lips I heard the childish tone in the complaint. I was embarrassed by it. Hadrian withheld scolding me for my pettiness; a reaction which I could not have resisted, had I been in his place. I pressed the conversation to another subject.

"I wish to see Delphi."

"It shall be done. And you shall see much more. The Eleusian Mysteries will do much in reducing your apprehension of the unknown. You will learn that there is little to fear when what lies ahead is revealed.

"Athens awaits you like a mother awaits her son. I have friends there, and you will meet many who have very different ideas from those with which you have come to feel discomfort. Herodus Atticus, a great man of that city, has a young lad called Polydeukes. I think you will enjoy each other. The boy is unattractive and sometimes his sullen mood has made me wonder what Atticus finds interesting in him, but he does have a charm and intelligence. You will be well accepted."

I knew that much awaited me, and was eager to embark on the adventure. Seeing the new temple that Hadrian had commissioned to be completed; taking part in the hunts in the surrounding countryside of Attica; walking along the very paths strolled by Socrates; having the chance to be part of the planning of a new library that would rival Alexandria's; all this helped overcome the feeling of apprehension and foreboding constantly on the fringe of my awareness. Still, one thought persisted and nothing I could do could relieve me of the worry it generated.

"Do you feel well?"

Hadrian's face suddenly shadowed. He looked as though I held the answer to the question.

"I have pains," he said. This admittance was a hard one to make. "It seems my power and control of the Empire is more than the one I have over my own body. My physicians order rest and strange potions, but I will have none of it! There is too much to do. I do not have the luxury of being able to lay about. These pains seek to make me a slave, and I will not relent to them."

It was the first time he had spoken openly of his ills. I had seen the results of those attacks and knew he suffered them more than was known by his physicians.

"What is this illness," I asked, feeling he had come to identify it as something specific. "Tell me truthfully, Hadrian. How serious do you perceive it?"

We had been holding hands. He released me and rose. I followed. Walking to the side of the Palatine that faced Circus Maximus, I looked out across this low valley from which the magnificent structure of marble-faced tiers shone darkly in the moonlight. The seven giant eggs and bronze dolphins used to mark the laps-count stood like tomb-markers and the place seemed haunted. The gilded bronze posts erected at each end of the spina seemed like sentinels waiting for the invasion of the 30,000 who swarmed into the seats to witness spectacular chariot races. How boisterous they could get! How silent and death-like it was now! We sat again in a little terrace hidden from view of the guards who patrolled the palace walls behind us.

With my thigh touching his, looking down to my own hands I saw the veins below the skin and wondered at the sight. It almost seemed as though the moon's light allowed me to see what was not visible in daylight; my hands looked ancient as the translucence matched that seen in the very old.

For a moment I felt I had been accorded the vision of what those hands would look like when I reached old age, then understood deeply that it would never be. A cold finger touched my spine and the hairs on my neck stood erect with the thought that had sped through my mind. I pushed the vision away, forcing my attention back to Hadrian's words, which I had been hearing on the fringes of my consciousness.

"... an affliction shared by my father and others of the Aelii family. My own father died in his forties. There was something of a weakness of the heart that may have caused his death. I was but a child of nine when it happened. So you see Antinoos, that I have concern for the time allotted me by the gods.

"And as for the gods, there are those who think me one! The Greeks have spoken of me as such, and so too, the Egyptians. The Senate looks upon such appellations taken by mortal men as nothing more than appeasement to indulgence. They have awarded the title of godhead to past emperors and imperial personages rather than face their irascible natures. Never think for a moment that the Senate believed its pronouncements. Yet, I have little doubt the gods do seek out men to do their bidding and to those, the gods themselves award divinity."

"Do you feel this gift, Lord?"

"I look to the signs, Antinoos. When I was Alexandria five years ago, I prayed at the tomb of the Great Alexander. He is buried in a sarcophagus of gold covered by a glass canopy once owned by Ptolemy. While kneeling beside the tomb there suddenly emerged from it, a sound that could only have been that of the voice of the sarcophagus; its gold resonating to some internal energy. The High Priest declared that in Alexander himself had signaled the presence of divinity. At that time, I took the priest's words to be little more than seduction.

"Then there was the incident I related to you of when I was a child, attacked by the lion. My mother was told that it was a sign by the gods that I had been chosen. Again at Carthage the gods fated me with the unexpected rains. Antinoos, each of my endeavors has been successful. My reign has been without war and filled with progress and good fortune. I am forced to admit that the gods look favorably upon me and admit me within their rank."

"The Greeks are favoring you with this recognition," I said. "Does the Senate resist, to counter the Hellenistic tradition?"

"The Senate resists nothing, as nothing has been proposed. Yet they will not venture on their own initiative to grant me that rank, as there is no precedent for a living Emperor, at least not from one who has not forced them to do it without the threat of loss of life and fortune. Only the dead are apotheosized."

I could see that he wished it, and that he even thought of himself as a god. For who but a god could command the difficult forces of State; direct the cooperation of a multitude of cultures and of their rulers, and orchestrate the entire machinations of an empire stretching to all points of the known world! All this without a major war or conflict as had plagued other reigns.

Hadrian had shown his power and munificence by reducing the size of the empire to manageable proportions by returning some regions which had been captured by previous rulers. This conserved expenses and promoted allegiance. His enlightened reign was not lost on the population, and only those jealous of his popularity, criticized. He had indeed become divine! The Gods had shown their acceptance of him into their fold in various ways, and none could deny his accomplishments.

I listened well to his words in the following days as we prepared to depart for Hellas. There was much to learn and as his aide, much more for me to do. I paid my respects to the Empress; said good-bye to Filiniana, and on the last day before departure, met with Gracchus. Arm in arm we walked the river bank toward Hadrian's unfinished mausoleum speaking of our good feelings for each other. How little we realize the value of friendships until they are taken, and circumstances deprive us of those who lend so much to our lives! Had I known!

Chapter Twenty Nine

Hellas,  Autumn 128 AD.

The ancient port city of Corinth had gained fame as the strategic stronghold for the Peloponnese. It had once been beautiful; resplendent in its buildings, baths, temples, with a bold acropolis that rose above the town. It had been erected and dedicated to Aphrodite to house her male and female prostitutes who serviced those who came to worship the love-goddess. This special feature brought ships from all over the world, and a thriving trade in goods was intermingled with an equally thriving trade in flesh.

Because of its location on the isthmus separating the Saronic Gulf from the Gulf of Corinth, the city controlled access to the Peloponnese from the sea and mainland. This had been its might, and still was so, but it suffered from neglect.

Hadrian endowed the site with renewed vigor by financing the repair of what had been destroyed by time and war, and caused to be built several new structures. A library, hospital, and residence for homeless children had only been the beginning of what

Hadrian and his friend, Herodus Atticus, were to grant as gifts. Everywhere I looked I saw evidence of the old being replaced by the new, and in every possible place none of the old buildings had been torn down but rather, had been repaired and extended.

I accompanied him on a climb to the top of the acropolis early one morning to watch the sun rise. In the far distance I was able to view both bodies of water and the place where, three hundred years before, Athens had defeated the powerful naval forces of Persia. Everywhere, remnants of a grand civilization and the ruins spoke of battles and sagas learned from my teachers since boyhood. To be present in this land made me keenly aware of how Hadrian was moved by what Greece had once been, understanding his passion to restore some of that past grandeur.

We rode the seacoast by horseback, to reach Athens. This highway had been rebuilt and paved by the Emperor. It offered spectacular vistas of the Saronic Gulf. Hillsides were resplendent with olive groves and fruit trees. Shepherds tended lazy flocks, and I heard upon the wind the soulful sound of flutes. The sky was brilliant blue. Although well into the month of September, the weather was warm and I smelled the blend of sea air mixed with the dust lifted by the wind, from the sparse soil.

Catapult, no longer confined to her quarters aboard ship, was energetic and it took all my command to keep her reigned as she strained for freedom and exercise. After having gone some distance, the horses regained their strength and stride. Hadrian suggested we ride swiftly. The remaining party followed leisurely behind while we rode from one village to the next. The ever-present Praetorian Guards were never far behind and one could see that they too, enjoyed the game.

Rome reigns unsurpassed in bold spectacle. It is a city that shouts its power! Athens sits quietly nestled in a valley between the sea and surrounding hills. Like an aging queen, her years are borne gracefully as wrinkles chiseled of joy and sadness. She wears an ancient mantle of stone that still bears witness to her past glory, but unlike Rome, Athens is a muted splendor! She is kissed with the breath of the Aegean, warmed by the god, Helios, and suckled by the rivers Eridamos, Ilissos, and Kephissos. I understand Hadrian's passion.

We approached the city amid throngs of Greeks who had gathered along the road to greet the Emperor. They left no doubt of the Athenian's enthusiasm and admiration of him. From what I had learned in my studies I began to understand the extent of the Emperor's efforts to re-establish a gifted heritage in this land. Pride was returning to the Greeks. Mothers lifted their babies to be touched. Hadrian paused and held them lovingly. The sternness of his eyes and the lines of authority in his face fell away to tenderness as he held them. I saw a gentleness I had not witnessed before, and wondered how much he might have wanted children of his own?

The Imperial Party was left at the Sacred Gate. There, we were met by Herodus Atticus and the Archon of Athens, and a group of other city officials. Followed by two Praetorians, we walked the steep Sacred Way to the top of the acropolis. There, we entered the cool interior of the Temple of Athena Nike. Hadrian made an offering and prayed before the magnificent cult statue of the goddess. She rose high above the floor, covered with gold gilding and precious stones, an impressive presence that commanded notice.

I stayed by his side for some time, speaking my own thoughts of gratitude for what she had accorded him. Truly, her qualities of wisdom and protection had been abundantly bestowed upon the Emperor!

We settled comfortably in a large villa some distance from the city. This villa was provided by Herodus Atticus, the Emperor's long-time friend. Having been a guest there many times before, Hadrian looked upon the villa as a pleasant place and felt it home.

Antipas had remained in Rome and was to follow later in Sabina's retinue. I was free of structured studies and found in my liberty, an opportunity to fill all the hours of my day with roaming throughout the ancient city. Athenoseos stayed by my side, engrossed with my descriptions of the city's past. We had looked forward to making the acquaintance of Herodus Atticus' boy-lover, thinking that someone close to our age would add interest to the stay. Mindful of Hadrian's description of the boy's intelligence, I did not allow my hopes too much. Polydeukes was not in Athens, but in Marathon where Atticus had his estate.

"He seems to bring more attention to Herodus than is comfortable for him, as the boy is loud and rough. Atticus keeps him in the country!" Hadrian explained when I had asked as to his whereabouts. "We will go to Marathon soon, and you can see for yourself."

So I was peaked with curiosity about the boy and my expectations were underestimated!

We remained in Athens for five weeks. Hadrian busied himself with the supervision of construction of the beautiful temple to Olympian Zeus. His plans were extensive and it was obvious that the project was to be of monumental scale; a true glorification of all that was Greek. Hadrian meant to capture the eye and the imagination of the world. He intended to reunite Hellas with pride and a sense of purpose.

He also took great care with the library he had endowed to the Athenians, having imported copies of the many texts found at the great Library of Alexandria. The Alexandrian library had been in main, Greek. The Emperor felt that Athens should be as well equipped.

I remained at his side and made myself useful whenever the opportunity called for someone to record his thoughts or write the instructions that I later carried to his architects and chief engineer. Hadrian placed more importance in me as time passed, and I showed myself to be indispensable.

When much of the work Hadrian needed to do was done, we set off for Marathon eight leagues north of Athens. Marathon's famous plain was one I had been anxious to see. It was where, five hundred years earlier, Athenians numbering 11,000 men had defeated a Persian Amy of 20,000 soldiers against overwhelming odds. Upon victory, Miltiades had commanded the runner, Pheidippides, to race back to the city with the news of their success. Once having delivered the message to the Athenian Assembly, Pheidippides fell dead from exhaustion. Could such courage exist?

Long before we came to it, I saw in the distance a burial mound erected over the graves of the 192 Athenians who fell in the battle. Herodus Atticus took pride in showing the memorial and in giving a brief account of the battle, as we stood atop the mound and viewed the battlefield. From my perspective atop the hillock, I could see the blue waters of the Bay where the Persian King, Darius, had landed his fleet. I looked to Hadrian and found him watching me, his lips parted in smile.

"What is it?" I asked.

He shook his head and touched the tip of his nose with his finger.

"You. It is you, Antinoos!"

"But what have I done?"

"All is well, Bithynian. You have done nothing wrong. It is that you give me joy when I see you looking so intently at the things that thrill me also. I see your interest in these places and it pleases me that I can share the wonders and of those we will come to see.

"At times like these, I am acutely aware of the gift you bring to me. There would be other lads who would find all this boring and who would yearn for the excitement and comforts of Rome."

Hadrian reached for my hand and brought it to his lips. Atticus, who had been showing much attention to Athenoseos, moved toward us and linked arms, leading us back to the waiting horses.

"He is all of what you have said..," I heard him whisper to the Emperor in an aside as they mounted. Thinking that he was referring to Athenoseos, I was surprised to see them both turn to look at me, and Hadrian agreed with a vigorous nod.

"And more..," he responded with a lascivious grin as he spurred Borysthenes into a gallop that left the rest of us behind.

Hadrian had warmed me without being specific, about Herodus' lover, saying only that the boy tended to be troublesome at times. Little more was said and this had left me with much curiosity.

Atticus' villa was a spectacular compound of buildings, lavish in cost. Upon arrival we were greeted with great excitement by the household slaves. From this group emerged a short and rather plump lad, who threw himself into Herodus' arms and they embraced passionately with little regard to those who stood watching. Hadrian greeted the boy next, with jovial familiarity. The boy could have been no other than Polydeukes.

I had not been prepared for what I saw. The lad had not been gifted with beauty. His ears were much too big and his short hair did little to hide their size. His face was round, with a flattened nose that gave him the appearance of the dwarfs I had seen in the market place who sought alms or juggled. His limbs were ungraceful and feet, much too large. In all Polydeukes presented a rather comic appearance intensified by an unruly crop of hair that seemed resistant to all attempts made to style it in any fashion. I was amazed at what this ungainly and gruff-looking boy could offer in the way of attraction to a man such as Herodus Atticus, whose taste and culture were highly appreciative of the arts and beauty. Suddenly I realized that I had been staring at Polydeukes and that he was staring back at me.

Hadrian seemed to be on friendly terms with him. He tousled his hair and gave him a sharp slap on the rump. I felt resentment at the familiarity of the exchange.

"What mischief have you been in since last I saw you, Polydeukes?" Hadrian asked.

The boy looked sheepishly at Herodus and clung to him with both arms.

"I have paid attention to my studies and have tended my master's garden with great care, my Lord. And I see by the look on both your faces that neither of you believe me!"

Herodus Atticus stood back and held the boy at arm’s length.

"And should there be cause for us to believe that you have changed your ways so drastically, my sweet? I am sure that I will have a full account of your doings, Polydeukes. I will deal with you soon enough for whatever mischief you have perpetrated in my absence you can be sure of it!"

Polydeukes feigned resentment and it was obvious that he prided himself in the apparent notoriety.

"But there would be no cause for these suspicions Lord, if I were with you in Athens!"

"Indeed..." laughed Atticus, cuffing Polydeukes on the ear and leading him inside as we followed. "It is enough to face your misdeeds here without having to deal with the ire of the citizens of Athens because of your delinquency. Here you shall remain until your behavior shows improvement.

"Now let us refresh ourselves and get rest before dinner. You will occupy your usual quarters, my friend." Herodus said to Hadrian as many slaves scurried about us, unloading luggage and the many books and documents Hadrian was never without. "We will meet again this evening. Come, Polydeukes, your gift is hidden somewhere in those bundles. Let us retire and make up for a long month of absence."

The boy ran to the pile and lifted two parcels onto his shoulders. "Come, Lord..." he motioned to Herodus.”I have your gift already with me!"

I blushed at the obvious reference, but none of the others seemed to find his comment offensive. Atticus and the boy disappeared down a long corridor, laughing and exchanging tender touches as they went. Their departure was our leave to follow in similar manner.

Athenoseos assisted me in carrying in our own things. Hadrian took the time to dictate several pieces of correspondence which he dispatched immediately to Rome. While waiting for his arrival, I passed the time with Athenoseos. Since our arrival in Athens our schedule had been so filled that I had taken little opportunity to spend time with him. His disposition in recent days had shown me that he felt ignored.

"What do you make of Herodus Atticus' boy?" Athenoseos asked.

I knew he had his own opinion and was curious about mine.

"Tell me what you think." I said.

Athenoseos shrugged his shoulders and shook his head in amazement.

"I know that this Atticus is a person of importance, influence, and culture. I am surprised that he would have chosen him."

"My feelings, also," I agreed. "It seems an unlikely match. But in the manner which he has spoken to him, Atticus seems genuinely in love with the boy."

"There is something about him that makes me uneasy..., something in his eyes that I do not trust."

The same feelings had crossed my mind. Polydeukes spoke too freely and seemed too assured.

"You think he gives himself more credit than he warrants? It may be his common looks that assures him of Herodus' love. It minimizes the competition. I did not detect any unfaithfulness by Atticus, during our time in Athens. And there were many boys who seemed readily available to him. It is an unusual relationship!"

Athenoseos and I finished opening the baggage. Even with all the bundles and chests of documents that were ever present where the Emperor traveled, still more had been left in Athens. We set the apartment to order, so all could be ready when Hadrian returned.

The evening began with a sumptuous feast. It was a fare truly fit for royalty! Herodus Atticus, as I would come to learn, spared no expense to surround himself with the best foods and wines, and the most magnificent residence. It is an irony that this man would come to be the teacher of Hadrian's nephew, Marcus Aurilieus. As Emperor, he would come to stand for everything simple and austere; the quintessence of the popular stoic philosophy. Atticus was the antithesis of stoicism!

The meal was consumed over several hours, during which much wine was poured. We were like predatory animals, Polydeukes and I. We sat together and in our conversation we sought to learn as much of each other as not already known. I was sure Atticus had spoken to him about me. With each draught of wine we opened and became less guarded and more bold. By degree I warmed to him; his enchanting smile and infectious laughter dissipated my suspicious disposition.

Herodus Atticus and the Emperor were close together in conversation, and I could tell by the nature of their discussion that they would likely remain engrossed for some while. I gave myself entirely to Polydeukes, finding the beginning of a familiar warmth; one I had experienced some years before in my paedagogium days.

Polydeukes, reclined, had his short but powerful legs fully exposed beneath a brief chiton. Because of his position in the circle about the banquet fare, he faced Atticus and allowed the man
full view beneath. Each time Atticus cast a glance our way, Polydeukes moved sensually and they exchanged knowing looks. Hadrian seemed to pay little attention to this, understanding what was going on but choosing to ignore it.

Something about Polydeukes fascinated me. I think it was his free spirit and the manner in which he spoke, having little regard for what anyone sitting close would think. Polydeukes made no pretense of sophistication. His Greek was of the kind heard in taverns. I was not accustomed to it, yet found it stimulating. As the night wore on, he became more vulgar and I, more amused. But this was to be short-lived.

"We come to the question, Antinoos," he said, leaning closer, trying to look discreet but not lowering his voice. "Have you always liked middle-aged men?"

"There have been none before the Emperor," I replied.

"But surely the Emperor in not the first?"

I resented his implication and said as much, explaining that I had not been sexually active before having left Claudiopolis, and that the only serious sexual relationship I had experienced was with Alexamenos; aside from those things which all boys experience together.

"Then why did you agree to become the Emperor's lover? Never mind answering," he said, looking to where Hadrian and Herodus lay. "I see with my own eyes what it is that attracts you to him. You have not only obtained yourself a beautiful man..," as he said this Polydeukes touched himself lasciviously between the legs and I felt anger at the inference of his own attraction to Hadrian. "... but you have also secured yourself a most opportune position. Undoubtedly you are securing a comfortable allowance for your retirement, when he tires of you?"

This would have been enough for me to rise and leave him, as his blunt comments were offensive. But there was something in his eyes and the way he looked at Hadrian, that made me want to stay and ask more of him.

"The Emperor has stayed here before?"

"Many times," he said, pouring himself another cup of wine.

"You know him well?"

My question had been asked with intent, having placed emphasis of the word know. Polydeukes smiled and winked, but said no more.

"Why do you think he will tire of me?"

"There isn't a man who loves boys, that doesn't look for a prettier face sooner or later; something more exciting and challenging."

"But what of yourself?" I asked, remembering the love Herodus had often expressed for Polydeukes.

"I am forced to live here and not in Athens. Why do you think that is?"

I did not want to respond as I feared confronting him with what I had been told about his behavior.

"Atticus keeps me here because he has other boys in Athens. He tells me and others that it is to keep me out of trouble. But it is not so. It is because he wants all his pleasures!"

"Polydeukes, it is not so! In the three weeks I was there with the Emperor we spent much time in his company. Never did I see anything that showed Herodus keeping the company of anyone. In fact, he spoke only of you and of how he missed you and loved you."

This surprised him but he persisted. "He keeps his liaisons secret. I know what he does! But it makes no difference as I am preparing myself well for that time when I am no longer wanted. I have laid a comfortable sum away. It will take me into old age without discomfort. And so should you, Antinoos! Look at you..., no longer the boy but a man. Hadrian has had little to do with me."

I restrained my hand from flying to his face. His words had plagued my own thoughts untold times, having fought desperately to control them, unwilling to admit this possibility. I pursued the belief that our relationship was beyond mere physical attraction. Polydeukes was telling me that he, like I, was threatened with a specter of rejection, but that he had accepted the fact and was acting accordingly. My resentment to his suggestion turned to spite, and before I knew what I was saying I responded sharply.

"But my dear Polydeukes, why do you believe that your master is not faithful? Surely there are many reasons for him to love you, as it cannot possibly be for physical beauty!"

Hate flashed in his eyes. He had been hurt by my words. I suspected his homely looks were a constant source of self-deprecation. I felt satisfaction at having wounded him as he had wounded me.

"I'll tell you what keeps Atticus returning to the country, Antinoos. No, even better..., I'll show you!"

Polydeukes swung his body around and hidden from the view of others, he spread his legs and lifted his chiton. I was astounded at his size, having never seen as large a member even on a man. I had always considered myself well endowed and had been told so. But my own maleness was childlike in comparison!

"There is not another like this in all of Attica and I have it on the best of authority from Herodus himself. He plays the woman, Antinoos. I have no competition when it comes to the satisfaction of his needs. But this thing and I are often lonely while the master spends his time in Athens with his brood of pretty faces. I have no illusions, as you can see. Herodus plays with his chickens, and I play with an old cock!

"And with what others does your old cock play with, Antinoos?"

Chapter Thirty

Speaking of Gods, Winter 129 - 130 AD.

My mood grew oppressive with each week that passed at Marathon. The journey’s purpose had been relaxation, but there was little of it. Hadrian spent much of his time in conference with Atticus. There were several building projects in the region that each was sponsoring. In Athens the temples, library, and theatre were still in their early stages. At Corinth, public buildings received annual stipends for their maintenance. Constant repairs required the review of ledgers and accounts. New shrines at Delphi and Olympus were erected to honor the renewed interest in these places. A multitude of other projects existed on the drawing boards that Hadrian and Herodus had intentions of funding, and they constantly consulted with each other for ideas and support. Their’s was a fierce but friendly competition.

Polydeukes and I passed the time riding in the countryside. Since the evening of the banquet, our ire had subsided but tension still seared between us. We wrestled each day for exercise. He was very physical and loved to roll around the ring, displaying his talents for the sport. I believe he thought me less than capable as a partner, and had hopes of showing his superiority. But my years of wrestling with the Praetorian Guards had prepared me, and he soon found me a worthy opponent.

Weeks passed, and the weather changed from warm sunshine to cloudy skies. The northern wind brought a coldness from the mountains that matched my mood. I was not enjoying myself, even with Athenoseos for company. Polydeukes' continuous insinuations of Hadrian's infidelity, and the probability of his eventual loss of interest in me, consumed my thoughts. I began to lose what little confidence I had and found myself believing him and resisting him all at the same time. My mind could find no peace. I longed to be away from the source of suspicion.

Hadrian asked about my mood. I declined to complain that it was Polydeukes who was making my life so miserable. The Emperor was enjoying himself with Herodus and I did not want to come between their friendship. But there was more to Polydeukes' purposeful suggestions. In truth, Atticus had made several feeble approaches to me. His advances had not been bold, but the little innuendoes were offered to see if my response would be one of encouragement. I played my role with great restraint, taking care to remain aloof. Herodus took his cause no further once he understood I had little interest. This new development shocked me, as I had believed him to be a faithful and honorable man. This led me to be more sympathetic toward Polydeukes, realizing that his belief of his lover's infidelity may have been well founded.

There were several hunts into the foothills that helped pass the time. They offered relief from the villa and its closed quarters. Both Hadrian and Atticus praised me for my riding and hunting skills. Polydeukes resented this attention. He also resented the attention I paid to Athenoseos, teaching him to ride. Hadrian had taken pride in my horsemanship and I too, gave Athenoseos the same consideration. Soon, he was able to accompany us on the hunts.

Hadrian expressed a desire to visit Delphi before the winter storms made the journey too difficult. The site of the ancient oracle was located high in the mountains of northern Attica, on the slopes of Mount Parnassus, overlooking the Gulf of Corinth. But there was a more pressing event approaching.

"There are the Mysteries of Eleusis which begin soon." He informed me as a way of announcing our pending departure from the villa. "Perhaps it would be wise to put off the journey to Delphi until the Spring. I have need to consult with the Pythia, but what we will do at Eleusis is more important. And it will be a more beautiful excursion when the weather warms and the mountains are again in bloom."

I knew of his burning desire to hear the ancient Oracle's responses to questions that had long been on his mind. Her answers would be the basis for a plan that would begin to formulate itself upon the completion of the rites at Eleusis.

"But are we not too late?" I asked, knowing the Eleusian Rites were divided into the Lesser and Greater Mysteries. The first, was an introduction rite and was held in the month of Anthesterion, in the Temple of Demeter on the left bank of the Illissos.

"You have taken the first initiation. What of me? It is the end of January and I have not yet done the Lesser Mysteries?"

It had been for this purpose that I had been preparing, not passing my time foolishly in Athens or at Marathon. Charbrias had instructed me on what little he was allowed to disclose of the Mysteries. All initiates were sworn to secrecy under penalty of death; a sentence in standing for as long as anyone could remember.

"Arrangements have been made for you to receive special instruction when we return to Athens. The Archon has approved your participation so that you may be ready for the second initiation to begin the fourteenth of this month. The rites of the Greater Mysteries will last nine days!"

He looked forward to our mutual participation in the Mysteries, this being a sharing that brought us even closer together. In both our minds it was a form of a ceremony of marriage that was to bind us; a ritual that had deep significance and one that would change our consciousness.

"You will be with me?"

"We will experience the Greater Mysteries together," Hadrian reassured me. "But first you must fast to achieve spiritual purification. Make no other plans but to study with the Archon's representative. We will not see each other until this part of the instruction is complete. Be attentive to your teacher and listen well to what he tells you. Give yourself over to Demeter and let her guide you, Antinoos!"

I understood his mandate and although I yearned to ask him more of what the Lesser Mysteries were to be about, I withheld my queries in respect to what he had already told me of the need to keep the experience absolutely personal.

With relief we departed for Athens within the week. I bid Herodus and Polydeukes goodbye, with mixed feelings of friendship and alienation. Atticus was to remain at his villa until the great Eleusian celebration commenced within the fortnight. As we pressed our hands in parting I looked at Hadrian and wondered how much he had been aware of what had passed at this place? For the seeds had been sown of what would begin to grow in the months to come.

I dare not reveal what occurred in the quiet of the Temple of Demeter and Kore on the banks of the Ilissos. My oath to silence is still observed. Understand that this preliminary initiation rite was to prepare for what lay ahead. Instruction and learning of certain chants was the focus, and each day specific ablutions were carefully followed so that purification would be complete. I was one of several others who had come from distant lands with the purpose of being initiated in these renowned rituals. Dispensation had been obtained to go through the Lesser Mysteries without the need to wait the usual interim of one year.

After completing the prescribed instructions, I chose to remain alone for two days, feeling the need to contemplate what I had learned. Hadrian understood my mood and suggested I walk the countryside, for much beauty could be found in the quiet hills to the south of the city. The weather held and made for good walking. With a pack of essentials on my back, I followed the road that led toward the town of Pireefs; the seaport of Athens. Along the way I could distinguish the long wall laid out in the time of Perikles. It had posed a formidable defense to attacks, and one to which the Spartans had strongly objected.

I recall those few days alone. So much of my studies of the Greeks returned to me and I was curious to see for myself the landmarks which I held dear. Try as I might, I could not find the place that would have been the house of Socrates. But my feet walked the very paths below the high city and the agora where he had once taken the youths of Athens to teach them the reverence of thought. Following the directions given me by a merchant in the forum, I came to a series of caves dug into a rock ledge below the summit of the Filopapou Hill. Little remained of the iron bars that had been placed across the entrances. Many of the smoky marks used to count the days and some of the curses of angry prisoners could still be discerned on the interior walls.

One cell stood off from the others, and this one had been kept in good condition. I read the notice erected by its entrance, and was thrilled to see that I had found the place where Socrates had spent the last days before his trial. Taking a seat nearby, I thought of Plato and of the many pupils who had come to see the old man of seventy, to give him courage. These few had stood by him when all others of the city he so honored, had turned against him and demanded his death. I felt deeply moved to be at this place. The mind that moved the man had come to mould the thoughts of men and nations! Could he have known his impact on the centuries, or did he think his existence would be forgotten, snuffed into darkness like a candle flame? I wished then that I had brought some small token offering to his memory. What men do, should not be forgotten!

Leaving the city precinct, I wandered near the sea and sat upon a hillside to let the sun warm me against the cool breeze that bent the grasses and still-blooming flowers. This place would come to be called "the beautiful vista" in times to come and the Greeks would give it the name Kallithea.

I viewed the day before me and watched as ships on the wind with billowed sails filled the landscape. Pireefs, not far from where I lay, was a harbor that was host to vessels from all points of the world. As many ships made for port as were leaving for distant lands of the East, where they would set anchor in harbors I might well see with my own eyes in months to come. I was awed by their numbers, and of the men and boys on them; each living his own life and trials, unaware that on the far shore, sitting upon a deserted hillside, an Emperor's courtesan followed with a yearning eye the start of a journey that for some, could be their last. How many women and children were doing as I, watching ships that bore husbands or sons, disappearing on the horizon, possible never to return? The beauty of the place seemed to nurture my melancholy state as each passing gull and distant wanderer each fading ship moved me to understand the significance of solitude.

Continuing along the coast, I stopped whenever weariness overtook me. I found hospitality with farmers and the shepherds, all open and joyous to share bread and bed. My travel took me as far as a place where the coast angled sharply inland, forming a wonderfully secluded lagoon. I spent the remainder of the day lying naked in the surf, soaking in sun and finding that I missed Hadrian for the first time since I had begun my studies, a week before. That night, wrapped tightly in a fleece-skin, lying beneath the stars with the sound of the Aegean waters washing upon the shore some distance below, for I had moved within the protection of a cluster of small trees several meters from the water, I reclined in thought. Somewhere in the hills, the lonesome howl of a herder's bitch broke the silence as a sharp reminder of the deep-felt isolation. I longed to be taken in Hadrian's arms, and fully realized that no other place would ever give me the peace and security I sought.

I was born in Bithynia but my birth occurred at Eleusis. Fear of death is a bondage to the slavery of living. At Eleusis I came to my freedom with Hadrian at my side. Demeter touched my soul and we explored the regions which remain unknown to most men, without this gift from the gods.

In the span of centuries much has been lost of what there was to learn at this sacred sanctuary by the sea. In that time the millions who came to know the Mysteries retained the secret. Even the great chroniclers, Pausanias and Strabo, dared not write of the ritual in any but the most general terms. Let me speak, then, of what I can.

Nine days marked the duration of the Mysteries in memory of the nine days of Demeter's wandering. Athens and Eleusis prepared for the onslaught of pilgrims by increasing the number of lodgings, guides, and all manner of services that such an event required. The cities and towns were well stocked in advance with supplies. Streets and buildings were made to glisten in expectation of officials from other states and countries. To this end, more effort than usual was extended in honor of the Emperor.

With thousands in attendance along the Sacred Way, Hadrian and I awaited the arrival of the High Priest, the Hierophant, and of the supreme civil functionary, the Archon. They led the procession from Eleusis to Athens; a colorful and impressive event! Athenians scattered flower petals upon the road and a crowd of young men from Athens, dressed in white cloaks and carrying spears and shields, met the procession at Skaramanga. From there they acted as honor guard for the remainder of the journey.

Although this celebration was one of great import, the festivity of the opening day belied what lay ahead. The leading torchbearer arrived at the rocks below the Propylaea of the acropolis and the south side of the stoa of Attalus and there, raised his light to signal Demeter's arrival in the city of Athena.

Watching these proceedings from the hilltop of the Pnyx, meeting place of the Assembly of Athens, I had an excellent vantage of the Agora and the Roman market-place. Streets and hillsides were crowded with people and all jostled for a better view. The throng was a mixture of the curious, initiates, and of those whose function it was to be part of the rituals along the Sacred Way. Excitement filled the air. Anticipation moved the hearts of those who would walk to Eleusis soon, in the Great Procession; anxiety heightened by the secrecy surrounding the proceedings.

"The Greeks take this celebration seriously, Antinoos. It has been observed in the same way for hundreds of years."

Hadrian spoke with reverence. "You give me much pleasure in your agreement to take the Mysteries with me."

"But did you think I would not?"

"Your mood, of late, has led me to wonder. I know much troubles you! You ask questions of yourself, that I too have asked. Your connection to me marks you for special consideration, I know. And would you have yourself be a shepherd like the ones you have recently seen? Only flocks of sheep to take your time, with each day passed on the same meadows and hillsides?

"The Mysteries have much to do with the answers you seek. I had faith in your inquisitive mind, but knew not whether your suspicions would let you seek the truth. I hope you will be open to receiving knowledge that may liberate these phantom-thoughts of yours.

"With this experience, you begin a journey that will lead you to understand that there is more to reality than what you can see with your eyes or hear with your ears. There is more than what you can touch with your hands. When in sleep, do not the actions of your dreams contain their own reality?"

This thought had often occurred to me. Were dreams simply thought uncontrolled, or were they events with purpose? Grandfather had once told me that dreams were the eyes of tomorrow. Too many unanswered questions and doubts filled my mind. Too many mysteries not understood probed my brain. Now I was being given the hope that within some cavern at Eleusis, Demeter would come into me and speak to my profoundest questions and my deepest fears.

In truth I near trembled at the thought of the coming initiation. Yet matched with this was the exquisite thrill of what was to come. Hadrian's presence and his support gave me strength.

The Eleusian Rites were officially begun on the 15th day of the month of Boedromion with the Hierophant calling the people together in the Agora, to make the official proclamation of the opening of the festivities. Everyone was invited to participate except those guilty of murder or desecration. We to be initiated were dressed in pure white chitons and were kept separate from the crowd; our heads bent to receive the divine benediction.

That night, although the town reveled with festivities and in the many inns and taverns of Athens the voices of patrons could be heard well into the outer suburbs, Hadrian chose to remain separate from the celebrants. We donned warm cloaks and followed a paved path that wound its way past the Emperor's great arch. There we stopped and stood silently. The moon was full, bathing the scaffolding and piles of stone at the construction site of the Temple of Olympian Zeus with a ghostly light. Hadrian, with his arm about my shoulder, held me to him. He did not speak. He had no need. I felt his thoughts, and knew that in his mind's eye he projected the present structure into what it would become.

""You take pride in this, " I said. "How wonderful it must be to have the power and means to be responsible for such things!" I had passed across the area where we stood to take in this distant hilltop and the magnificent temple to Athena, now silhouetted against the starry sky.

Hadrian took my hand and we began walking again.

"Some men are chosen by the gods, Antinoos. They are given the opportunity to power. And those with such opportunity who do not leave this world in better circumstances than they find it, would have been better left as spilt seed; a momentary pleasure of their fathers.

"Yes, I do take pride in all this. The Greeks have given us much and it is my charge to return some small measure. What you see around you is just the beginning. Athens will rise again!"

There was such conviction in his voice! As we continued along the road that followed the lower slopes of the acropolis and slowly climbed the hills on its western side, Hadrian spoke to me of his thoughts and plans for construction. We climbed a steep hill and followed a narrow path that traversed rock ledge, finally reaching the crest. It was the hill called Philoppapou, upon which the monument to the man of that name, stood. A deceased prince from Commagene, he had been given refuge by the Athenians after having been banished from his own country, and in return for this hospitality of the Greeks, had showered gifts upon the city.

"You have heard the works of Julia Balbilla?"

I said that I had indeed, and thought little of her archaic verse-style. The woman, a poetess, had come into vogue in Rome, and was patronized by some who entertained a taste for culture. Hadrian was humored by my response.

"Your opinion is well shared," he said. "Balbilla, as you know, has favor with the Empress. This monument is in the memory of her brother."

This surprised me. I had seen Balbilla in Rome and thought her to be a meddlesome woman of limited ability. She had approached me once with sinister warnings and vague predictions of which I could make little sense. I knew her to dabble in astrology, and knew also that she advised Sabina. Hadrian had spoken of her on two occasions and on each, had cursed her for her sharp and intrusive tongue. It was difficult to imagine the woman as a descendent of that royal Commagene lineage.

"We will have the dubious pleasure of her poetry, Antinoos, when the Empress joins me. The woman insists on being included in all of Sabina's activities and although I admire the Empress for her level mind, it befuddles me why she is taken in by this woman! But let us leave that behind for the moment."

We sat together, tightly wrapped in woolen capes, sides touching, as we held hands. It was a clear night with full moon, and the distant waters of the bay were made visible by the moon's light. Land and sea was bathed in a glow that seemed mystical. I felt a closeness and kinship with Hadrian like none I had experienced before. And this relationship, made deeply valued by the moment, was equally open to insecurity. The troublesome thoughts crept near!

"Hold me tightly, Hadrian...," I pleaded, moving even closer to him. He said nothing and took me in his arms and pressed me against his chest. We sat in this manner until the moon had made a great arc in the sky. Below us, Athens had gone into repose and barely a hearth-fire could be seen still burning. Shutters were closed to the night air and a silence had descended upon the city so that the sound of a barking dog or some late reveler making his way home was easily carried on the wind to our hilltop perch.

I did not want to leave. I wished the moment to become arrested and all the stars to hold their pattern, never to move again. In bliss, I could not tear myself from the indulgence of it. There was much to be done on the morrow. Excitement awaited me in the days to come, but I would have gladly forfeited all of it to hold the moment for eternity. I knew it could not be so.

The morning of the 16th broke with a bright sun shining through the blinds of our bedroom window. This was the Day of Purification.

The household was already assembled and I followed the Emperor to a waiting wagon. It would take us to Phaleron, where, in the sea, we would be baptized. Several squealing young pigs were loaded in another cart. These ritual animals would be cleansed in the same waters of our baptism and there, would be sacrificed so that their blood, believed to be the purest, would cleanse and rid the initiate's soul of hatred and evil.

As our wagon passed that of the pigs', I gazed at one swine whose glare followed me for as long as I  watched it before we disappeared around the bend in the road. It was as if the animal had communicated with me to express his outrage at being my cleansing-sacrifice. I felt sorry for it. When the ritual was completed I sought out the very animal, having taken note of its markings, a clipped left ear, and buried the beast myself. I made it my offering to the gods of the underworld; an appeasement to which I felt compelled.

The following day required that each participant sacrifice an official victim that had been brought from his city. This celebration was officiated by the Archon and those supervising the Mysteries.

Hadrian had provided two young lambs of exquisite quality and each was executed with great care that blood not stain the fleece, but spilled entirely into the silver bowl held close to the neck. I had not killed in this manner before and grew faint as time approached for me to do the ritual slaughter. The lamb trembled with fear, smelling the blood of the other sacrifices nearby. Its eye looked into mine, pleading to be released.

I knew I was being observed, and with tensed hands, I did the deed. When the artery was severed the animal quivered, kicking its legs violently, then the lamb went limp. A tear escaped and fell down my cheek as I held the head and allowed the blood offering to fill the receptacle. My hands became sticky and my chiton was splattered with droplets of crimson. Except for the immediate area around the wound, the lamb had remained clean.

"I know how difficult this was for you, Antinoos." Hadrian had been performing the same ritual at a similar altar beside me. He finished the blood-letting of his sacrifice.

"It is not in your nature to inflict harm, but you must understand that the gods approve. In all living things there is a purpose. These animals have fulfilled theirs! Take heart. The death of each has been no more than a transition to another form of life. The spirit of each will live on within us. It is the very nature of what the Mysteries are all about!"

The thought that the end of one life could bring renewal to another, was sharply etched in my mind. It was a concept I had encountered in my studies of Egypt. Osiris had given up his life in the Nile so that the land would be re-born through flooding each year. The Greek god, Dionysus encompassed a similar theme. It was a belief held by many that intrigued me.

I reluctantly knelt to pray as an attendant applied fuel to the corpse, and soon the little lamb was engulfed in flames. Smoke rose from a multitude of alters and the sky became clouded. I could barely breathe as the acrid smell of hundreds of burning offerings filled my nostrils. When all had been done with proper ceremony, we joined the procession of initiates and returned to Athens. The day had begun with laughter and expectation; the crowd had been boisterous in its anticipation of the spectacle to come. The returning procession was more subdued. An air of reverence lay heavily over everyone. The mood of the opening days of the festival marked with lighthearted joviality was replaced with solemnity.

The following two days were filled with various ordained services performed by the Archon to commemorate specific historical events that had become a part of the whole, throughout the centuries. They were, in part, social and political.

The 19th of September marked the beginning of the Great Procession to Eleusis. Pilgrims set out from the Eleusinion, considered connected to the Sanctuary at Eleusis and sacred, it stood on the east side of the stone-paved Panathenaic Way between the rocks below the Propylaea of the Acropolis. From this point the long procession was led by the image of the god Iacchus, carried on the backs of penitents. Everyone was made to wear a wreath of myrtle and to each was given a rod made of woven branches which symbolized the Mysteries.

There were many stops at sanctuaries along the Sacred Way and at each, the initiates sang hymns. When they reached Lake Koumoundouros, not far from the intended destination, each initiate had his left foot and right hand bound with a heavy, yellow woolen thread in the belief that this would cause all infections to disappear.

At the place where a Roman bridge crossed the river Kephissus, we were accosted as tradition imposed, by Eleusians draped in sheets. This even had deep significance. The purpose of the imposed insults was to
instill a sense of humility to those who wrought themselves important, and to allow opportunity to reveal certain truths about each initiate that nobody would dare to mention at any other time. No retribution could be taken by any of the insulted. Even kings and lords, if partaking of the rites, were no beyond reproach.

I had been prepared for this by Hadrian, who had warned me that in spite of the fact that he was, for the most part, admired by the Greeks, still there would be some who would use the opportunity to show their disapproval.

"Keep your head held high, Antinoos! Look ahead and show no anger. They will be especially hard on you, I think."

"But are they allowed to say these things to the Emperor?"

"Especially to the Emperor! The Eleusians have had this privilege for longer than anyone can recall. It is one thought to be good. Great men have suffered their insults and jokes without being the worse for it. As a public figure you must become accustomed to hearing much that may hurt you."

The bridge was narrow and we had to cross one by one, thereby isolating each initiate to direct abuse. Hadrian escaped with a few innuendos questioning his masculinity and especially his proclivity for sweet youths. I did not escape so lightly. My accosters were youths who had apparently taken objection to my relationship, seeing themselves less accorded perhaps, certainly feeling some resentments for their lowered status. Although I had not given any cause to the Greeks to me as pompous. They called out my name and added to it the Greek appendage that signified the female gender. Some mimicked girlish ways, drawing loud laughs of approval. One lad had himself painted like a Persian, with tinted lips and rouged cheeks. His hair, obviously a wig, was curled and piled high atop his head to resemble a lowly courtesan. I was called by a number of names that stung me deeply, and wondered how this form of abuse could be honored in such a solemn event.

My face blistered with rage and my tongue ached to respond. I had to hold my hand at one point, to avoid striking out at one lad who had leaned close, his face almost touching mine as he spat obscenities. The ritual had gone beyond the realm of jest and play! With will I slowly moved through them, not showing anxiety or fear.

"You did yourself proud, Antinoos," Hadrian smiled at me as we passed beyond the bridge. "They purposely intensified their insults with intention of seeing the kind of mettle of which you are made."

"This was not just jest," I said, not believing the words I had heard as being anything other than revelation of what they thought of me.

"Am I what they think I am?"

He gazed at me with compassionate eyes. "You are what you believe yourself to be! Look at your heart and listen to your inner voice, Antinoos. Only then will you know yourself and no other man can make you less!"

Easy for you to say, I thought. You have come to know your own power and worth! I held my tongue and took his offered hand.

Night had fallen and in torch-light we reached the sacred city of Eleusis. Collecting together at the well where legend has the goddess Demeter refreshing herself at the end of her long wanderings, Eleusian maidens performed a lovely dance that spoke of the lonely souls seeking succor from the gods as they wandered about the world; unable to find peace or rest until they came to understand that those reliefs lay hidden in their own beings. A pantomime of movement told of the need, in each of us, to release our worldly attachments in order to experience a death of liberation. I was moved deeply by the dancers and the theme.

Daytime hours of the 20th and 21st were given over to quiet and deep meditation. Little movement could be seen in the streets of Eleusis, save the inn-keepers and other tradesmen who took the opportunity to restock stores. No food was taken until the hour after sunset, and then only a light repast eaten on the evening of the 20th, when the initiates were called to the sacrifice of the Great Bull, by the Archon.

There, a young man of the goddess' guard of honor offered the animal and there also, we were offered pieces of bread broken from large loaves. From a special cup, the cymbus, we drank a sacred potion and took communion all together.

There followed the event held in the spacious and mystical Telesterion, a cave-like structure that held a large number of initiates. We entered slowly, passing singularly through the portal and I immediately felt the acute atmosphere of the place.

"Hold steady, Antinoos."

Hadrian touched my arm reassuringly. "Remember, no matter what you see here, no matter what you hear, keep your mind focused entirely on the far wall. You will see an emblem near the ceiling. Do not take your eyes from it no matter how much you may believe yourself to be in another place!"

His words breathed fear and muscles tightened to a knot in my stomach.

There is no more that I may disclose. All that happened that fateful night can be summed in a singular word. Liberation. My body and spirit became one with the forces I did not understand but to which I fully gave myself. Of a sudden there was truth and nothing else was of significance. I came to understand that my existence was simultaneous on many levels. I was totally without boundary of time or body. The goddess herself spoke to those who listened.

After this experience I remained alone for a full day, deep in prayer and contemplation. Hadrian made no effort to intrude. He understood my need, having taken this mystery the year before. Hadrian had accompanied me as my sponsor and guide. I felt such a complete connection to him that the very feeling caused me unbelievable peace.

The Emperor took the third and most sacred mystery without me, on the next eve. This could only be taken, without exception, one year after the second mystery. I believed I would follow his suite when we returned the following February, as I had made him promise that we would do so. But there would be no need.

Chapter Thirty One

The Oracle of Delphi, March 129 A.D.

I became even more thoughtful and preoccupied with introspection as a result of the  experience at Eleusis. Hadrian understood the impact , but did not think I would withdraw so completely. He misunderstood my meditation as depression, an aspect of my nature that often came between us. His own fluctuations of moods would conflict with mine. I would take myself to task for my difficult behavior, as I knew it did little to lighten his spirit.

So much of his attention was demanded by his position! His state of health slowly declined. I saw him more often plagued with doubt about his mortality as he drove himself to accomplish the dreams he had set for the empire. The overwork and excess taxed his body. Soon after Eleusis my own mind was immersed in the remarkable revelations given to me by Demeter, distracting me from his worsening condition.

Shortly before departing for the northern regions of Attica and to Delphi, Hadrian experienced another attack of bleeding. Too many hours in the sun consulting with his engineers and architects, and too many late nights in drink with Atticus left him little time for rest. He had become pale and weary.

Hadrian had returned from his usual morning routine of overseeing the work at the Temple of Olympian Zeus and this time he did not invite me to break bread with him, but went directly to his bed. He could barely stand as dizziness overtook him. Hadrian refused to see his physician when I suggested it. He lay quiet, his face ashen, the spittle at his lips, pink with blood.

I spoke cautiously of my concern for him, not wanting to add to the persistent urging from his physician to take better care of himself. Hadrian disliked any reference to his illness or to the fact that he seemed to be less capable than he had once been. An acknowledgment of his limitations was an acquiescence to age, and brought into question his supposed divinity. I had no doubt that it was for these reasons he wanted to consult the Pythia at Delphi.

"I give this two days to pass," he said, as though he were willing his own body back to health.

"Then we leave for Delphi! See that everything is made ready Antinoos. Then return to me. Too many days have passed since we have spoken. We have need to come closer. I have had much to do and we have drifted apart these past weeks. That was not my intention in coming to Greece. We shall ride to Delphi with as few in attendance as possible. We will have some time alone. Come, embrace me and then be off, so you may sooner return!"

Athens had begun awakening to a new Spring. Flowered hillsides and fields heralded the change of season. The river flowed swiftly with the force of melted snows from the north. The land was once again responding to the favor of the gods who took away and then gave again the grain and wine of life. I experienced a deep-felt connection with this force found myself seeking every piece of evidence that asserted the process of death and rebirth, for it was much on my mind.

Hadrian became thoughtful, along the way. I suppressed an urge to engage him in idle talk, believing he was preparing himself for the meeting with the Oracle. Much of the journey was made in silence. We rode side by side and I relied on the Praetorian Guard who led the way to guide us to Delphi.

It was late in the mid-afternoon when we arrived at the sacred shrine, having taken almost two hours to climb the steep slope of Mount Parnassus. As we neared the site, I was awed by what I saw. For miles we had passed through deserted countryside and through many villages whose sole means of support was the raising of goats and sheep. Farms were scarce and buildings were fashioned from the rough stones that littered the hillsides and fields, making the land inhospitable. Yet beyond this sparseness rose a spectacle that could only have been inspired by the Gods. Zeus, himself, had touched this sacred place when he had released two doves from Olympus to fly in opposite directions to search for the center of the world. They had reunited at Delphi. There, I touched the sacred stone placed by Zeus, that marked the spot said to be the navel of the earth.

Parnassus rises above a verdant but rocky terrain that slopes to the shores of the Gulf of Corinthus. It is mountainous land not easily traveled. For this reason amazement gave way to respect for what had been achieved at Delphi. Masses of stone had been transported along miles of treacherously steep roads to the rocky ledge where, with sheer human determination, temples, arcades, monuments, arches, and a theater and stadium had been constructed with a splendor that was unmatched.

Along the Sacred Way we passed the treasuries of all the Greek states, built to hold the offerings given in supplication and gratitude for favors sought and battles won. To my mind even Rome could not compare with this miniature city of another time, another place, another ethos. Here it was easy to forget the present and allow the mind to slip into mystical visions. There permeated everywhere a deep sense of timelessness. I stood with Hadrian at the foot of the colossal statue of Apollo, guarding the entrance to this deity's temple. We looked to the south.

"Beyond lies Corinth," he said. "It has been almost five months since we first arrived there."

"How little I knew then!"

"How much more you can see now, Antinoos!"

"So much seems to have changed, Lord. I think back but to a few weeks, a few months, a few years, and realize how each day had altered my thoughts and notions of who I thought I was. I am humbled by how little I knew, thinking I knew more!

"How many times you must have thought me foolish with my childish manners. You said little, yet allowed me to grow in my own way."

Hadrian turned and faced me. Standing before him, I saw that we were almost equal in height. It had not been so long ago when I had looked up at him. Now we were nearly matched in size, and I had recently taken to wearing some of his clothing and even enjoyed stealing his discarded undergarments. He discovered this activity while we were staying at Salvus' villa, and had humorously chided me for my alleged "perversion"; having enjoyed the incident.

"Antinoos, from the moment that fate brought you to me that afternoon, I knew without doubt you were someone extraordinary. From the beginning I trusted your intellect and judgment. It has not always been easy to keep my silence when I wanted to offer advice. Knowing experience to be the best teacher, I allowed you to follow your own path. You have done yourself proud and have given me much reason for delight.

"Now here you stand, having seen the dark side where so few men venture. Your mind and soul have penetrated the depths of human knowledge with the wisdom of Demeter. You are filled with the wonder of growth and expansion."

I took his hand and led him up two steps, walking to the side of the temple that overlooked the valley to the south.

"Before we enter...," I said, wanting to savor these few moments alone before going into the sanctuary where the temple priests and others awaited his arrival. "Speak to me of what I saw in the Telesterion. I cannot believe it, yet my eyes witnessed the sight!"

Hadrian studied his hands, rubbing red knuckles with a thumb and then moving a finger over several brown spots on the skin that he seemed to be trying to rub away. He looked at me and I saw a brief glimpse of what seemed fear pass across his face. In an instant the expression changed and he once again regained his Imperial composure.

"Each who sees and is touched by Eleusis must come to his own understanding. It would be futile and unjust for me to offer you my own truths. You must consider all that you experienced. Make no hasty judgments. Take no course of action and make no commitment to beliefs until Demeter has been given opportunity to speak to the deepest regions of your being, Antinoos. The Goddess has fated you to her. I know you witnessed something that moved you in a most profound way."

My vow of silence compels me to great discretion. Even in the telling of these events, centuries removed from them, my words are selected with utmost caution! Yet I must tell something of the vision given to me in that cavernous hall at Eleusis.

The multitudes drank of the communal cup. With only a few torches to give faint light, chanting filled the air and the rhythmic movement of a swaying crowd lulled me into a form of trance wherein the boundaries of reality were torn to reveal another world. Keeping my eyes on the symbol etched on the wall where Hadrian had advised me to look, I saw the emblem disappear and in its place a light appeared that drew me in and I felt myself rise and pass above the heads of all assembled. I became transfixed by the brightness! What followed must be told as impressions. For I cannot relate the incident in words. They do not do it justice.

My body and soul seemed to be in unison, yet distinct from each other and each shared the knowledge of the other. In a duality of movement I was taken through several scenes simultaneously, each having distinction. All interrelated to a whole. It was like looking at a fine cloth, seeing the whole and yet also seeing each thread in the weave. My life appeared as a continuum with no beginning or end. My purpose for being was symbolized by an intricate pattern in the cloth, apparent only from a distance. When all was done I felt a peace in my exhaustion and knew myself anew. I felt contentment. I knew I no longer feared death.

Had the hallucination been induced by either herbs or vapors? Hadrian declined to speak of what he had seen and felt. He urged me to give myself time for understanding, saying that all would make itself known when I was ready. His voice took on a distant sound and he spoke almost inaudibly.

"Knowledge can be costly Antinoos. I know you feel a sense of liberation, but this too will have a price. Take care with how you interpret what you have seen and what you will come to know. There is much that will perplex you as we journey in the months ahead."

Hadrian passed his fingers through my hair, and smiled.

"You give me much," he said. "Your presence and your caring are more valuable than jewels or kingdoms. I worry when I see you troubled. I know you look to me for answers and I will give all those I can. But there will be many that you will need to discover alone.

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"If I judge your love by the depth of my own feelings for you," I said touching his cheek, "Then I know you love me without equal."

"We have duties waiting," Hadrian said, standing and leading the way to the entrance of the temple. "Let us be done with them so we can get to the business for which we came."

Hadrian placed a large sum of money with the priests as offering. These men held much influence and were the direct contacts with the Pythia. I was told that she spoke to no one directly but would respond in her own fashion and in her own time. Ambiguity was her style.

In the early morning before the sun had begun to breach the mountains to the east, I followed Hadrian along a dimly lit path leading from our evening shelter. The beautiful Temple of Apollo, its marble awash with subtle hues and shadows, stood majestically independent from its surroundings. Looking to the heavens, I saw an eagle swooping above our heads and then fade into the darkness of an overhanging cliff. One of its feathers fell slowly and landed at Hadrian's feet. He stood riveted to the spot for a moment then stooped to retrieve the feather and clasped it tightly, searching the distant cliff for sign of the bird. Hadrian was shaken, his face darkened with foreboding. I began to speak but he silenced me.

We were ushered into the innermost shrine of the temple by the priests. The Oracle was seated upon a tripod. Her appearance startled me, with hair in disarray and her robe soiled beyond cleaning. The Pythia's head hung over a steaming bowl and on our approach she turned quickly to face us. Had I not known her station I would have mistaken her for someone deranged and cast out by the gods. Her eyes were clouded over and it became obvious that she saw little but was following our sound. Her hands were black with soot and her nails, long and irregular.

"Say nothing until she speaks," Hadrian cautioned me.

A priest approached her and spoke in her ear. The hag listened for a moment then reached beneath her cloak and took out a small amount of leaves which she slowly chewed while the priest chanted. Soon she began swaying, tossing her head about violently as her tongue shot forth, mumbling a series of senseless sounds, her body shaking with tremors.

"Speak," the priest called to Hadrian.

"Voice of Apollo," he began, "I have come to pay homage and seek knowledge. My heart is filled with concern that I will not see the completion of what I have set to do. Tell me if I will find peace? Am I favored by the gods? Will I be called to be among them?"

There was a moment of silence. A brazier that glowed beside her flared suddenly and sent up a column of acrid smoke that filled the small room and took my breath away. The priest stepped forward and pointed to me.

"Speak," he said. "The Pythia waits and will respond when all that needs be asked, is asked."

Hadrian placed his hand on mine and clasped it tightly. His eyes remained focused on the Oracle. I found myself at a loss for words. Much contemplation had gone into what I would ask. I had rehearsed the question a multitude of times to get it right. Now my mouth was dry and my tongue too thick to move. I forced myself to concentrate and regained my words.

"My purpose has been preordained. The gods have given me much. And for this I thank them. Yet doubt and fear of fulfilling my destiny plague me. I have given myself to someone who commands me entirely. How am I best to serve him?"

Once again the Pythia lowered her face above the steaming bowl and inhaled deeply. Suddenly she sat upright, rigid and unmoving. Her mouth opened and without speaking a sound came forth that raised the hairs of my neck. It was a deeply resonant voice that called out with utterances completely devoid of meaning. Seeing her obviously possessed with some inner power made me wonder if there was evil present. But I quickly pushed the thought from my mind in fear of offending the God Apollo.

Two priests approached and wrote her words on parchment as she spoke them. When the Pythia became quieted her head hung loosely on her bosom, completely exhausted by the affair. Hadrian and I were motioned to make an offering and leave. I placed my two gold pieces next to Hadrian's, at her feet.

Outside the sun had climbed higher and I was surprised to realize much more time had passed than I had thought. We were led to a small room adjoining the temple where the priests held council. It was their duty, based on many years of training, to interpret the words uttered by the Oracle.

The Head Priest, Plutarch, studied the symbols on the parchment carefully. He looked from the script, to Hadrian, and to the script again, seemingly studying the Emperor. I was given the same scrutiny. Finally Plutarch spoke.

"The Pythia's words are these:

You have been long in coming! I know who you are. You are marked by the cat, and five are the tally she placed upon your side in your youth. Two-score and ten are you to reign. A sixth scar that will mark you deeply, you may yet receive. Bathed by dark waters, a star which has been destined to shine upon you in your times of glory shall rise and fill the heavens, and men will bow to a new god!"

The priest ended and set the parchment aside. Hadrian extracted an additional offering and placed it at his feet.

"That is the complete translation?"

"She said no more!"

"But Plutarch, what of the boy? Is there nothing for him in her words?"

"All that was asked, has been answered! I can tell you no more my Lord."

"But are you sure you have interpreted the message correctly? Do not misunderstand me Plutarch. I am pleased with the Oracle's words, but I expected more."

Plutarch rose as an indication that the interview was ended. This action surprised me as I had never witnessed anyone place himself above the Emperor's head before. It was an indication of the stature and prestige that Apollo's priests enjoyed. This one took full advantage. He saw my reaction and smiled.

"Ponder her words. They are not what they appear yet they are what they are! Apollo has recognized that there is divinity in attendance here. Of that you can be sure!"

Chapter Thirty Two

Asia Minor, Early Spring 130 A.D.

Sabina joined us at the Isle of Cos. Not very far from the coast of Asia Minor this small island served as a rendezvous point. Before departing Greece, Hadrian again became unsettled by the thought of spending the next few months in close proximity with his wife. I displayed a similar attitude at the prospect of having to share Hadrian with Lucius Commodus. Knowing Lucius would have preferred staying in Rome, I assumed his attendance had been commanded.

I resolved not to allow my relationship with Hadrian to suffer because of Lucius' presence. I knew there was a need for him to be in attendance. His succession to the throne required that he become acquainted with the regions and the dignitaries Hadrian had scheduled to meet. In fact Lucius posed no threat. Hadrian had assured me of this and I believed it. Still, his familiar ways with the Emperor and his condescension of me was a constant source of irritation. I was unable to completely control my jealousies.

Two days were given to the business of state. Hadrian met with many couriers and government personnel. He was briefed on the state of the Empire, by Lucius. There was much correspondence to read and write. Many orders and commands for the Senate had to be recorded before we departed for the mainland. I saw little of him except in the late evening when he arrived exhausted, for bed. Hadrian belonged to Lucius and Sabina in daytime, but he was mine at night.

I was assailed by the activity and energy, and missed dearly the restful peace of Greece. I performed my duties quickly, wanting to distance myself from those who constantly hovered about the Emperor. Disliking the favor-seekers, rumor mongers, and those who constantly filled the air with their intrigues, I spent as little time as possible in the places that brought me into contact with these irritants.

Athenoseos and I quietly escaped the activity of court and made our way about the island's coast, investigating ruins and collecting shells. We passed much of our time together, trying to avoid the others.

I had looked forward to seeing Filiniana again and when I sent a message requesting a meeting, a note that bore the Empress' seal was delivered to me in return, commanding me to an audience. I found it strange that Filiniana would not respond to me directly.

In the early evening of our second day on Cos, Sabina received me in her quarters. I brought a container of honey given to me by Polydeukes, the fruit of his attention to the hives Herodus Atticus maintained at Marathon. Sabina, against custom, did not keep me waiting but saw me immediately.

"You have grown, boy! But that term no longer applies. Look at you, almost a man and as tall as one. It is good to see how well you have fared, Antinoos. Much good news has come to me of you.”

“Thank you my Lady. I hope I have served the Emperor as well as I am capable. You were kind to give me this interview. I trust you have been well?”

“Well, indeed. And happy to tell you I am impressed with the effect you have had on my husband. The Emperor has been in good spirits and it is obvious that he finds his life with you satisfying. No doubt you were aware that some anxiety existed in the anticipation of my joining the Imperial Party. The Emperor and I have had civil conversations. I find him in pleasant disposition and have you to thank for that.”

“You are more than kind, my Lady.”

“I am truthful, boy, and will give you your due. But, to the business at hand! You have been anxious to see your Filiniana?"

“Indeed, Lady. I have missed her friendship and look forward to seeing her.”

“It was my purpose for summoning you, Antinoos. You have been away from Rome for almost half a year. Much has happened. There is something you should know.”

Sabina bid me be seated. I had been standing since my arrival.

“You had no knowledge that she was with child before your departure to Africa.”

“None,” I said, struck by the fact. Although it had occurred to me the last time I had seen her. Filiniana's weight had increased, but not by so much that I would have known the cause.

“Why do you seem so severe, my Lady? Surely this is good news! And the birth will add to the Emperor's household another pair of hands to serve him.”

“The child was still-born, Antinoos. Filiniana gave birth three weeks ago but the strain was too much for her.”

I felt my knees go weak and dreaded to ask the question that filled my mind. I dreaded even more that Sabina would confirm my suspicion.

“Does she live?”

“No longer,” she said, rising and coming to me to place a hand on my shoulder. “She served me well. Like you, I loved her and will miss her. Filiniana spoke of you often while she carried the child.”

I sensed that there was something more to tell in the way she had spoken. A gentleness came into her face and a trace of a smile touched her lips.

“The child was yours!”

It had been a thought that had passed like a spirit, through my mind when Sabina had first spoken of Filiniana's condition.

“The child was a boy, born too early to survive. Filiniana chose not to inform you because she did not want to compromise you. I do not know if she would have told you. However, the child's identity would have become apparent.

“I saw no reason you should not be informed. A man needs to know when he has fathered a child.”

Feelings of sorrow and despair were mixed with those of wonder. I felt myself overwhelmed with deep longing for the child and mother. I was to never hold the child or see Filiniana again!

Having been a party to its creation, I had no memory of him. I reached to wipe a tear but Sabina's hand prevented me.

“Let it fall,” she said. “Take this and leave me, Antinoos. We will speak again.”

Sabina placed a small gold locket and chain in my hand.

“I thought you would like to have this.”

Pressing the clasp, the small locket opened to reveal a tiny strand of golden hair secured within.

“The child had hair such as yours must have been when you were a baby,” Sabina said. “I took liberty to have this taken before it was buried.”

The hair was curled and so light in color that it was almost impossible to discern it from the golden case. I touched the strand with a finger and brought it to my lips. It had the faint smell of lavender, a scent I recognized to be Filiniana's.

“My Lady, that you have taken so much care, places me in your debt. I have no words to express my gratitude.”

“None are needed, Bithynian. It is I who should give you thanks. You have brought about such a change in the Emperor that it appears we can now be friends, if not husband and wife! Be well, Antinoos. Accept my sympathy for your loss.”

I could not avoid the specter of a child's body, pale and stiff with death. It haunted me in dreams and as I toiled, trying to avoid the oppressive sense that I was responsible. Though I had never touched or seen it, I felt a great tenderness for my dead son and speculated on how I might have attended to the responsibility. I took to wearing the locket against my breast, and never removed it!

From Cos we sailed to Ephesus, a city in the province of Lydia that had been highly adorned by past emperors. It stretched across a wide plain watered by the River Caster, connected to the sea some miles distant by artificial harbors. This wondrous city, strongly influenced by Persia, was filled with a sensuousness of worship for the Goddess Artemis. It was a paradise of pleasures, vices, and many mysteries from the East. My senses were regaled by musicians, comedians, dancers, sellers of sexual favors, and of priests and astrologers.

As in so many other cities we would visit, Hadrian had many projects under construction that he wanted to personally inspect. I found myself more often in close proximity to Lucius Commodus, who attended the Emperor daily. We were tolerant of each other. Hadrian took heart at our improved relations.

“I am pleased to see you think less critically of him,” I overheard Hadrian telling Commodus as I worked on my studies in an adjoining room.

“Antinoos means only to serve me, Lucius. These three years, I have had only one report of an indiscretion from him and not one allegation that he has used his position to advance his personal fortune. He has nothing of his own but that which I have provided.”

“I must admit,” Lucius interjected. “I had doubts when the boy first joined you. There was no reason to believe he would not follow the path taken by so many others of his kind. I saw you blinded by his loveliness. Was he not just another of a long line of lads that came to warm your bed? But this boy seems to have touched you deeply!

“Now I worry for you, Hadrian.”

“For what reason?”

“We are scheduled to visit many lands. Many beautiful, young faces will catch your eye. There is precedence, as you well know. Antinoos has grown older and although he is a magnificent specimen, he is no longer the boy who captured your interest and warmed your loins.”

My stomach tightened and my palms were wet with anxiety. I hated the words Lucius spoke, yet my ears were sharply attuned for more.

“Be cautious,” Hadrian warned. “He is nearby. Lower your voice! The boy has come far. He is more than what he once was, Lucius. I love him deeply and can think of no other. Your concerns are unfounded.”

“Are they?” Commodus asked skeptically.

Are they, I also wondered? At this point Critoneo entered and I was distracted from the remainder of their conversation.

The great Temple of Artemis was one of the seven wonders of the world. It had become so largely through the rivalry with Smyrna for the title of first city of Asia. Much had gone into its design and construction, a Hellenistic architecture in a predominantly Roman city, it commanded not just its surroundings, but me also.

Hadrian took a full week to conduct his business and review the legion stationed at Ephesus. I was at his side for much of that time, but when he was in conferences concerned with military and state security, I took leave so not to compromise him with his military commanders and advisors. The temple was hushed and the priests who tended it were unobtrusive. I returned to it many times to sit in contemplation of the many thoughts, feelings, and experiences I had so recently encountered. The world lay before me and all around, life and the joy of being surrounded by continuous excitement was still not enough for me.

“You seem constantly in a daze,” Athenoseos commented one day. “You are present in body, only.”

I realized he was right. Hadrian had asked me several times, what was wrong. He understood that I was occupied with the sense of the Mysteries, and that a deeper knowledge was making itself known to me.

Perplexed by a constant stream of thoughts, I felt moved into a direction I did not fully understand, by a power beyond my control. Looking back now, seeing the entire sequence of events, I know a decision had formulated deep in my unconscious and remained there, hidden.

Chapter Thirty Three

Concordia, Late Spring 129 A.D.

I found a difference in the way we were together. The past year had found me consistently at his side. We had been lovers in all ways that lovers are meant to be! I had shared my thoughts, fears, and hopes. Hadrian had confided in me, using me as a sounding board for his own thoughts and plans. I had been with him in Africa when he had suffered the intense heat and humidity, officiating at celebrations. While dressed in full uniform, I had participated in the review of legions that had raised high their arms in approval. I had been put to the test, having faced a ferocious beast, completely at the mercy of my own courage and had risen above my fear, to strike a death-blow. In Greece, I had been constantly at his side and my presence had been understood by all.

In Athens I had joined the circle of philosophers that had gathered around him, having held my own in discussions where I presented views on their two celebrated philosophers, Socrates and Aristotle. Although most had accorded Socrates more than I felt he was due, I sustained my argument that mental strength assured independence and free thought. Socrates had consistently manipulated his dialogues to lead the young men of Athens to understand that the masses could not possibly rule themselves because they could not come to an understanding of virtue.

Socrates, by implication, defamed the very heroes to which history had given praise and honor. His negative dialectic became the rule by which his students judged the competence of their leaders, and this led them to question the right of the common man to participate in the governing of his city. The proof of my contention was offered by presenting his most outstanding students, Critias and Alcibiades. Both had been brilliant men who forfeited their gifts of birth and intelligence for power and personal gain. They had defamed their city and countrymen by treachery and perfidy.

I held that Aristotle had outdistanced Socrates in concept and relevance by having given mankind a true and useful method to deduce the truth rather than leading men on philosophical journeys which always resulted in the negation of the possibility that virtue and truth could be found in men. Hadrian had praised me highly for my rhetoric and he awarded a generous sum to Critoneo for his diligence.

The Imperial Party toured the regions of Ionia for three months, and always with the imposed edifices of Hadrian and the Empress as symbols of a unified and powerful empire. I moved from his side to a position a little behind, giving way to Sabina and Lucius Commodus. Although my resentment was felt, I held my tongue and observed my station. I would not be accused of coming between the Emperor and his responsibilities nor would I be charged with usurping the power rightly owed to Lucius Commodus.

I cannot fault Hadrian. He was taken over with the duties of the state and compelled by necessity to fulfill them. At nineteen, I understood my function and silenced the objections to the continuous interferences our private life suffered. Others would have played me for my favors; putting me aside in all things but physical satisfaction; ignoring my need to be more than a convenient courtesan. Hadrian did none of this.

Smyrna, Tralles, Miletus, Laodiceia all played host in their turn. In Tralles Hadrian brought from Egypt a large gift of wheat that was apportioned to all its citizens. Laodiceia was so taken with the munificence and benevolence of the Royal Couple that it began to mint coins in their honor.

Rumors traveled before the party and all who awaited us were eager to witness the battle expected to erupt over the presence of the Emperor, his wife, ex-lover and future emperor, and his current whore. I refused to act in any way that would confirm or suggest that all was not well. I kept my place, stayed in the background, but was always present when needed, never overstepping the bounds of propriety. I have no doubt that the many who awaited Hadrian's arrival were left disappointed when the Imperial Party moved on to the next destination on the itinerary, having been witness to nothing but felicity and concord between us.

Historians have found it difficult to allow that I might have assisted in the improved relations between Hadrian and Sabina. I sensed my part in the affair. That I was playing a part, became obvious to me. I took care with whom I spoke, what I said, and who I befriended. It was at this time that I began to entertain the thought of fulfilling a destiny preordained by the gods. At Patara, on the coast of Anatolia, I sought the counse of a priest alleged to have been gifted in the art of celestial signs. With Athenoseos at my side, I listened to the soothsayer. He spoke of the Emperor coming into a dangerous period.

“Zeus resides on Olympus. One who climbs a mountain and reaches its summit must come down again. Being cautious of heights for once on the summit only one route exists to avoid returning to the lower regions and that is to join the gods!”

The priest refused my offering.

“You will pay tribute enough,” he said enigmatically.

While traveling from Patara to Smyrna, and then from Olympus to Phaselis, I could think of little more than what we had been told at Delphi and of how this might relate to what I had been advised by the Pataran priest.

Mid-June found us turning northward into the mountains of Phrygia. Reaching Synnada Hadrian decided to enjoy the cool air as it had already turned hot along the southern peninsula. These mountains were the range of a ferocious species of wild boar. I knew as soon as I heard it, that Hadrian would organize a hunt. I was not surprised when he advised me to have all I would need, ready.

“You and I must get away alone for a few days! Lucius and most of the others will remain behind. You have been too much by yourself,

Antinoos.”

“But I have Athenoseos,” I said, no wanting to appear complaining or ungrateful.

“A good friend. I am happy I took the boy from the ship, and that he offers companionship.

But Athenoseos has his limitations!

“But there is more, Antinoos. I have missed you. Too much has occupied me. We have been almost strangers, since we left Delphi. I have need to see you and touch you. I yearn for your voice. Come; let me see again the smile that makes my heart warm. Your face is too beautiful to be altered by sadness.”

“I have little to smile about,” I said, deciding to address concerns. Hadrian nodded, taking my hand.

“You seem not to need me as you did in Africa and Greece.”

“I know you feel that way. I have been pulled in many directions by too many who require attention. My time has become political, as we encounter those who govern these lands. I have less for leisure, and it will not become easier. We will face much tension in Judaea and Egypt. Fortunately Lucius is relieving me of some responsibilities; especially in the meeting of the many minor bureaucrats insisting on being seen. Without their support, the Empire would require more attention from Rome. It is through the many delegated responsibilities and a show of trust, that the best is extracted from these men. Some do not sustain and must be removed. There is much work to do here, Antinoos. And much more required before we return to Rome.”

I realized the pressure under which he suffered and having added to it by my complaints, made me resist further objections.

“The world understands what good you have brought to it, Hadrian. You have received an abundance of praise wherever we have traveled. The citizens of Patara honored you as Zeus. You reign upon the mountain!”

A chill passed through me as I realized I had voiced the words of the priest. In my mind I saw Hadrian high above a valley, standing atop a mountain, unable to descend. He looked toward the heavens, waiting....

The hunt brought us to higher elevations, giving us a clear view of the plains below and of the far reaching lands of Anatolia. The terrain was difficult, for there was much rock and ledge to prove fatal for a horse not accustomed to it. Borysthenes and Catapult proved their blood. Soon we were on the trail of a boar that had been recently foraging in the area, as its dung was still moist. In pursuit, Hadrian led the way and I followed. In the heat of the chase, Hadrian urged Borysthenes on. When the beast came into sight, Hadrian drove the horse even harder and Borysthenes, trained to observe all danger, galloped on avoiding all obstacles in the way. Hadrian had been slung low on the horse's side for better aim. Suddenly he slipped from the saddle and fell to the ground.

The hunt ended when I rode between the onrushing animal and the fallen Hadrian, lying with the wind knocked out of him, directly in the path of the boar's needle-sharp tusks. If I had not made the mark with my lance, the Emperor would surely have been gored and killed. Leaping from Catapult, I ran and knelt at his side. Hadrian's face was ashen. Blood colored the edges of his lips and his white tunic was spotted with it. The animal lay only a short distance away with open eyes, looking straight at us without seeing. It's blood soaked the ground around it.

I supported Hadrian and helped him to his feet.

“What happened,” I asked, not having understood the cause of the fall. “Did Borysthenes frighten?”

Hadrian clasped his hand tightly around my arm, and for the first time since the night he had awakened in tears from the horrid dream of starving mothers and children, his own eyes were filled with tears. I had never seen him looking so desperate and filled with fear.

“The illness..., I lost consciousness,” he said. He appeared as a little child unable to have his own way and at the mercy of outside forces that controlled his life, filled with the rage and frustration of not being able to satisfy his needs. Hadrian, Emperor, warrior, was brought down by a weakness of the body that had never failed him before!

“How much like a god do I look now, Antinoos?”

I turned my eyes from him so that he could not observe my own tears of pity. I had no answer, but held him tightly in my arms as I motioned for the Guards who had accompanied us and who were now gathered around, to leave us in privacy. We walked to where Borysthenes had come to rest, and chewed the leaves of a small bush.

“Do you still wonder if I need you? My life, it appears, is in your hands!”

Not far from Milissa I urged Hadrian to take a detour and leave the Imperial Party at a near-by town while we journeyed to the grave site of Alcibiades, a Greek much admired by Hadrian, for his courage, military brilliance, and a similar taste in boys. This reminded me of the dialogues in Athens, and I also wanted to see the monument to the man who had come to be one of the main examples in the charges brought by the Athenians against Socrates for corrupting the morals of its youth. Alcibiades had shifted his allegiance to Sparta and had colluded with the enemy invaders. For this he has been cast out of Greece and had sought refuge from several Eastern monarchs in Phrygia. There, he had been assassinated by Spartan mercenaries.

The grave had gone into disrepair. Few who lived nearby thought much of the man who lay beneath the small mausoleum, now crumbling and deserted. Its stones had been removed for use elsewhere. No trace of his history marked the spot, save the small inscription in Greek that spelled his name and date of death. It was a lonely place and took Hadrian some time to find it, having been there only once before.

“He rose to greatness and was respected by many,” he said. “Poor Alcibiades became too confident of his own power and came to love it. When he saw Athens might fall to the Spartans, he made an alliance to insure his stature and in the end, became branded as a traitor and despised. His countrymen would not have him back when he begged forgiveness and return.”

“How can someone who rises to such power and respect, come to make such poor decisions and loose all?”

It truly saddened me to think of him in death with no loved one or family near, unable to be buried in his beloved Greece, and laid to rest in a foreign grave where his soul would wander throughout eternity, seeking his homeland.

I placed a bouquet of columbine picked in the foothills, upon his grave that morning. He was a fellow Greek and I prayed that the gods would allow his spirit to find rest, as I now sought my own!

Returning to Phaselis, we boarded ships for Cilicia. At Tarsos, Hadrian was honored by its citizens when they voted to add Adriana to the name of that city. A three day festival was given to honor the Imperial Couple. All merchants and government business was suspended for its duration. The month was June, and the heat was already unbearable. The city teemed with people attired in a minimum of clothing, all preferring a short, light chiton-like garment that allowed comfort. As I walked about the streets I was struck by the sensual air created by their manner of dress. Especially obvious to me were the many dark-eyed youths who seemed to be everywhere. I could not remember seeing so many beautiful young men in one place. Tarsos was a city of youth, and each one exuded a strong sexuality. I was followed with gazes that suggested interest, and smiles that invited more. Suddenly each boy I met was viewed as a rival, and my mood took on a petulant and disquieted air. My imagination tortured me with visions of many dark-skinned boys in wild abandon, serving a delighted Emperor. I hated myself for these doubts!

The Imperial Party was courted with the most unusual foods and given a rapturous welcome at each city along the way. Although Hadrian gave me no cause to doubt him, I watched closely for any sign of confirmation to my fears of his infidelity. On two occasions he excused himself to accompany Lucius on what was supposed to be secret meetings with representatives of an eastern potentate. I convinced myself that they were enjoying the fruits of a local stable of boys, this thought having been planted in my mind by a conversation I had overheard between two of Hadrian's couriers, and nothing could convince me otherwise. It was Athenoseos who informed me later, that the conversation had not been accidental. I was furious that there were those among his staff who purposely plotted against our relationship. I felt my soul being pulled from many sides, and I was being unfaithful to his love when I allowed my jealousies to overrule my head.

Sabina was in the best of spirits. Her position has been honored. Her elegance and dignified demeanor inspired the city of Mopsuestia to issue coins with her likeness as representation of the goddess Artemis. I took heart when a delegation of artisans presented the Emperor with a magnificent statue of a young man of exquisite proportions. Attention had been given to the face, and the eyes and lips were hauntingly beautiful. At its base was the Greek inscription that read Antinoos. It lays still, buried in antiquity and waiting to be unearthed as so many like it that were pulled down and cast away by Hadrian's nephew, Aurelius, who came to the throne with a hate and vengeance for his uncle's sexual taste and association with me.

“It comes close to doing you justice,” Hadrian told me when he brought me to see it.

I could say little, not believing this was the way I looked to others.

“Hadrian, do you see me like that?”

“More beautiful, Antinoos!”

“What will Sabina say,” concerned that the Empress would object to the attention.

“It was commissioned by her,” Hadrian smiled
and took me in his arms. “This is a tribute truly earned, Bithynian!”

Chapter Thirty Four

Mount Casius, June 129 A.D.

Few men have been as powerful, yet glorified by their subjects as the Emperor Hadrian. He was called Imperator, Caesar, Trajanus, Hadrianus, Augustus. He was even called a god! The Greeks named him such and rulers throughout the East and Persia sent emissaries to confirm what Hadrian already understood to be his destiny.

It was not that he deluded himself in egotism. The possibility of men becoming gods had been established and the precedence was an accepted belief. Temples and shrines were dedicated in his name and coins were minted with Hadrian as the representation of Zeus. So much good had blessed his reign, so many signs that he was favored, had been given that Hadrian was compelled to acknowledge what seemed to be fact.

Yet he was torn by doubt and unable to accept his godliness against the constant presence of his illness; a reminder of his mortality. It was never out of his mind, and plagued him daily with the thought that he would not live to see all that he had begun and planned, come to fruition. Hadrian longed for peace, wishing to mediate the differences between those fractious groups who were the cause of so much unrest in Judaea and Alexandrea. He wished for unification and amity throughout the Empire, as his legacy.

Hadrian left no cure untested, no incantation or secret rite unobserved in hope that it would pacify or negate the curse that he believed was imposed on him. He sought the counsel of astrologers and drank the mixtures prepared by physicians who offered cures; always having the concoctions tested by a slave before he took it. Hadrian spent long hours with his celestial charts, applying his knowledge in hopes of distinguishing some reassuring forecast. It alarmed me to see the worry and pain in his face grow daily, knowing his thoughts were causing him even more injury.

While making our way along the coast of Cilicia toward Antioch, Hadrian became erratic in his behavior. His understanding nature gave way to a lack of patience, and his temper flared against those with whom he had seldom had an unkind word. I tried to speak to him, but he brushed me aside with a cursory response, unable to look me in the face. Pleading with him to open to me resulted in an angry shake of his head. I began to suspect that some of his anger was directed at me when occasions kept us apart. There would be times when days would pass before we came together again. In these times he would question me closely about where I had been and with whom I had spent my time. If I erred with a time-frame, he corrected me, thereby indicating that he was having me watched. At first I assumed this was for my own safety. Then I began to suspect that his motive was of distrust. I resolved to say no more, not wishing to increase his mood, but remained close by and attentive to his needs.

Twenty miles from Antioch, Mount Casius rose majestically from the sea. Its sheer slopes imposed difficulty to all but the hardy. The revered shrine of Zeus was at its summit and Hadrian resolved to make the journey. He seemed to have more reason than passing interest in paying homage. Having been called Zeus, he felt obligated to give sacrifice there, and appease the god who he believed was withdrawing his support.

I followed him to his tent one evening, once he had dismissed his staff and asked not to be disturbed. Seeing me, he first appeared irritated with the intrusion. Looking at me silently for a moment, his eyes softened and he held his arms to me. I came to him, filled with more words and thoughts than I dared to speak. I let my body communicate my feelings.

“Will you come with me?”

His request surprised me. There was doubt in his voice. Did he not know I would follow him anywhere? My role was clear. I had little input in the choices made. My purpose was to be a part of his destiny, and to that end I had only to follow where he led. My own existence had come to have little meaning without him. I was not what I had once been. Bithynia was far removed and left behind. The only connection remaining to that country was my mother and chosen memories.

“I will follow wherever you lead,” I asserted.

“We depart tomorrow and spend the night on the summit. It will be an arduous climb, Antinoos. You will find breathing difficult in such altitudes. Be prepared!”

Athenoseos was waiting in the shadows, always nearby, he looked to be of service to me. Hadrian motioned him to approach.

“Here, boy, take some of these with you and leave us alone. Go get yourself a good night's sleep. You'll come along as well, tomorrow. We'll see just how powerful and fit those legs of yours, are.”

Hadrian scooped a number of fruit and sweets in a napkin, and handed it to Athenoseos as he left.

Alone, we sat side by side and relished the quiet of the moment before speaking again.

He looked strange, edged with a harshness that irked me.

“Why are you angry with me?” I asked.

“You think me angry with you?”

“Have you not avoided me for some days? I have seen you look at me at times, and there is anger or something that I understand as anger, in your eyes.”

Hadrian stood and began to pace.

“I am a man of few words, and believe in coming to the point. Have you been faithful to me by being with no one else?”

Words seemed lost in the space in my head that was filled with a rushing of blood. I could not believe his question.

“You think me unfaithful?”

“A boy such as you with your looks, would have many offers. You are highly sexual. Your youth gives energy to your loins. I sense that I have not satisfied you. I have no objection to whatever relationship you may enjoy with Athenoseos. It is natural for boys to enjoy each other. But there are many, not boys, who see you as very sensual and desirous.”

Unable to withhold me my thoughts, I interrupted him, realizing the offense of the intrusion too late. “But Hadrian, I love you. I have let none other touch me! Surely you know this! Your men follow me wherever I go, and know of any to whom I speak. Even if I intended such things, I could not do any of it without being found out. Why do you ask me this?

“In truth, Athenoseos and I have not made love. Not that he would not agree if I asked, as he loves me enough. But I know that it is not something that he would do willingly, and I would not have him do anything against his will. I find him beautiful, and yes, even desirable. But this is not a passion uncontrolled.”

Hadrian returned and stood above me.

“And what do you think of an older man's body, Antinoos? Are you put off by it?”

“Recall the times we have made love. Have my reactions and erections not been proof enough of the excitement you bring me? Were I not excited by you, Hadrian, it would be obvious! This is not something I can lie about.

“And should I not wonder about your attraction to me? I have come into manhood, and know how captured you were of my youth, and of other youths before me. Should I not worry about whether you will continue to see me as desirable. I do, you know!”

We sat close together, having reached for each other's hands. I felt his heat and wanted to be engulfed by it; to be swept up in his arms and carried to his bed. My hand reached out and with a finger, I traced the hair-line of his beard from his hair to chin, then moving to his lips, I touched them softly until they opened and took the finger in.

“I desire none else but you,” I said. “Love me, it has been too long!”

Our words of the night before were seemingly forgotten on the morrow. The intimacy we shared soothed his doubts and mine as well.

All were surprised by Hadrian's decision to attempt the climb to Mount Casius, having so recently been indisposed by illness. Was he intending to prove to himself and all around him that life still flowed vigorously through his veins? I hoped he would not prove otherwise! As for myself, I had no doubt of being capable of the climb, my physical condition never having been better.

Lucius Commodus agreed to Hadrian's request of his company. He was coming to understand that having been chosen by the Emperor as his successor entailed more than the enjoyment of power. He was expected to show stamina and be as capable as the ruler he would follow. Commodus avoided hardship. Hadrian urged him to strengthen himself against the times to come when he would be called to lead the armies into battle or be compelled to journey to far places. It would be for this purpose that Hadrian would name Lucius as Counsel and Governor of Pannonia. There, he hoped Commodus would be seasoned by the legions, the difficult weather, the inhospitable environment, and thus become less dependent on luxuries.

Lucius showed excitement at the prospect of climbing Mount Casius. He seemed willing to follow, and I suspected this enthusiasm to be more the product of diplomacy that a thirst for adventure!

We departed in the early morning, leaving the Imperial Party at Antioch, and rode swiftly along the coastal road, avoiding the more tedious but safer inland route. I become enthused with the joviality of the party. The Emperor and Commodus seemed filled with light- heartedness. They exchanged bawdy humor and made fun of my obvious embarrassment revealed by a reddened complexion and a nervous laughter.  I took the wineskin each time it was passed and soon became free of all inhibition. I regaled them with all the irreverent stories and obscene jokes I could recall from my paedagogium days. It pleased me that Commodus laughed heartily at my humor, and I filled with a warmth as the three of us passed the time as though we were the best of comrades.

We reached the summit just at nightfall. The path had been lit by torches set out by the priests, who had been advised to expect us. Standing atop the mountain, I looked to the sea and saw the last remaining light of day touch the distant horizon with a golden streak of radiance before the sky darkened.

Led to our quarters by acolytes, I saw the great Temple of Zeus in the distance. Its dimensions were impressive! Once settled in our rooms, Commodus had taken a similar adjacent space, Hadrian sat down to compose his thoughts for the coming sacrifice. Not wanting to disturb him, and seeing that Athenoseos had already fallen asleep, I walked alone to the small enclosure where the sacrificial animals were kept.

A young fawn purchased by Hadrian that morning, frolicked about as it chased the few chickens within the compound. Coming up slowly to it, the fawn stood still and allowed me to hold it as I fed it. The little animal brushed itself against me, seeking comfort. It muzzled its wet nose against my face and in the lamp's light, I looked into its eyes and saw them large and unknowing of the fate it would meet on the morrow, yet trusting in its innocence. At once I felt a connection with it and spoke to it as though to ease my own concern.

“Little one, think only of the sweet escape from this place that will be given you when your little soul rises to meet Zeus.”

The fawn stood silently as though listening intently to my words. “You will be delivered from this world and never need to feel hunger or thirst again. Yours will be an everlasting freedom given to those who are offered to the heavens. And when your soul rises with the smoke of the flames in which your earthly remains will be consumed, then shall I know that nothing more will harm you!”

After some moments, I heard a movement behind me and saw Hadrian coming forward.

“I have been looking for you,” he said. “You left me!”

“I believed you wanted solitude. I know you are worried about tomorrow.”

“Worried?” There was a touch of defensiveness in his voice.

“I mean to say that you have concern of the outcome of tomorrow's sacrifice and what the animal will disclose.”

I was reluctant to continue on a subject that I knew he was sensitive about, but did so. For, were we not lovers and committed to clear understanding? I wanted him to confide in me and tell me of his concerns.

“It is your health that worries you!”

He reached for my arm, and led me as we walked.

“I am constantly reminded of my mortal flesh, Antinoos. This body that has served me well, now begins to fail. Each day I wonder how many more in number will be given me to fulfill all I have set out to do. Each time I see a sign that the gods favor me, something happens to make me doubt. I have fears!

“So much remains to be done. I feel pressed for every moment, and am coming to detest myself, hating each weakness that shows me less capable than I once was. I curse the tired muscles that demand rest and sleep. And in this sleep the gods torture me with dreams that prophesy calamity. I have immense power, yet all this is naught if the power to rule my own body is denied.

“Temples have been dedicated in my name. Coins have been issued with my likeness as a god. Throughout the realm, days have been set aside to honor me and many say that I am divine. Even the gods tempt me to believe it! Look at me, Antinoos. What do you see?”

His visage was twisted in anguish. I searched my heart to answer truthfully.

“I see strength. I see a ruler above all monarchs who, commissioned with a most imposing charge, has brought peace and prosperity to his people. I stand in awe of your ability to govern. I see a noble man who has been entrusted with the greatest empire, ruling with wisdom when so many before have ruled with incompetence. I see an Emperor who understands no limits and accepts no failure; who inspires his subjects to loyalty and adoration. One who has achieved more than most men could achieve were they given ten-score more lifetimes.

“I see the man! I see a friend who listens when I have need to speak of thoughts that burden me. I see a lover who pays me homage in every way, and finds joy and fulfillment in what I give!”

Words seemed of little value in defining what my heart wished to express. I could feel his pain and understood how deeply he was troubled by the mounting fear of his failing health.

Hadrian turned from me suddenly and faced the direction of the temple. There, he stood, unmoving, deep in thought, almost lost in the darkness as clouds completely shrouded the few remaining stars. Then he spoke, but not to me.

“Spirit of this place, hear me! My need is but to serve the glory of the gods and of Rome. Test me if you will! But grant me time for all I have set in motion. You have given me the honor of leading Rome to great glory. Do not deprive me of seeing the fruits of my labors. See this wretched body, this vessel of my soul which, each day, torments me with declining ability. Allow me this, that I shall choose my end and understand when it has come!”

He bent his head in silence then turned to me.

“We rise before the sun, Antinoos. It is late and little remains for sleep before the sacrifice. Come, see if your arms can bring me peace for a few hours. I have much need of it!”

Hadrian lay awake, his breathing, shallow. I could feel the tension in his body as we touched. I did not wish to burden him with talk, and hoped my hands could give him comfort. I gently messaged his neck and shoulders until the knots below the skin released. My fingers smoothed his temples. After some time, his breathing became heavy and his body relaxed in sleep. I held him tightly to me and passed the few remaining hours in thought, searching for an answer to the purpose of my service.

We were awakened by a priest. It was the time of sacrifice. Ritual demanded it be done before the first rays of sun touched the temple's marble. The morning was bitter cold and even my woolens were not enough to break the chill. I had need to void but could not face the discomfort of sitting on cold stone. I was feeling miserable, my feet and hands seemed without blood and my nose dripped uncontrolled.

Hadrian was dressed lightly and the sight of him increased my own discomfort. He seemed un-bothered by the cold, thin air. Lucius had clad himself warmly, wrapped in furs. We drank hot tea; the only thing allowed until the sacrifice was completed. Then we were led to a shrine within the temple. I could discern the first shade of dawn on the eastern horizon, but it would be some time before the sun would rise above it. Overhead, all but a few clouds had passed. Helios would find the temple's stone, as required. Seeing the weather in his favor, Hadrian's spirits lifted.

“I feel the gods near. Perhaps they have something to disclose!”

Lucius touched the Emperor's arm. “What fear you? Be reassured by the signs you have been given. Consider most recently, Africa and the ended drought. You have been favored.”

We stood on the top step of the temple, about to enter the sanctuary. Hadrian waited for the fawn to be brought to him, for it was his to carry to the sacrificial altar. As the first light of day began to break, an acolyte led the fawn from the stable. The frightened animal tugged at the lead as it tried to resist.

I looked beyond the summit's crest to the plains below, still mantled in the night's cover of darkness. Suddenly we became engulfed in mist as a heavy cloud began to move across the summit. I could smell the moisture and sensed a charged atmosphere. I looked to Hadrian and saw concern in his eyes, his face filled with anxiety, for he knew the sacrifice could not take place unless the temple was bathed in the sun's first rays.

The acolyte, a young boy of sixteen years, approached the Emperor to place the fawn in his waiting arms. Before it was done, we were momentarily blinded by a powerful flash of lightning and our ears were pierced by a horrid scream. I smelled the awful stench of burning flesh. The air was filled with it! Hadrian had stepped backward suddenly, and I caught his arm to prevent a fall. Lucius moved quickly and took the other arm and held him fast. Stunned, we looked down to the crumpled and charred remains of the acolyte and fawn, seemingly fused together at our feet.

Hadrian's face was ashen, and he was unable to move. My own heart pounded forcefully and my chest ached with the pain of it. I could not tear my eyes away from the spectacle of the boy and fawn at my feet. Still smoldering, I thought I say the acolyte move once, but knew it was impossible. It took me a moment to regain my senses. Hadrian had suffered no harm, but I knew that his expectation of the sacrifice was now destroyed. Never had I seen such terror in his eyes! Lucius and I understood the likely impact of the incident. I moved closer and held my lover until the tremors subsided.

Commodus and Lysis, the high-priest, exchanged glances. Something has passed between them. Hadrian shook himself free and stepped forward. He knelt beside the burned victims and bowed his head.

“I have been rejected,” he said.

“You have been honored!” Lysis was quick to correct him.

Hadrian faced the priest. The summit and temple came into sharp focus as the cloud that had covered it, moved on. Through the mist I could see Helios shining above the horizon. Hadrian looked skeptically at Lysis, who stood boldly before him. With the staff of his office and rank firmly in hand, he seemed to gain courage and went on.

“There is little here that leaves doubt. Had the gods meant to strike you or show disfavor, they would have done so! You have been shown favor, Lord.

“Caesar,” Lysis continued. “The gods have spoken thus; your life is meant to continue and good fortune will be yours. The years of life given up by the fawn and boy, have been added to your own.”

Hadrian eyes bore deeply into Lysis', but the high-priest would not be diverted. Each studied the other for some moments, then Hadrian looked at Lucius, and in turn to me.

“I accept your reading, Lysis.”

As though orchestrated by the priests, sunlight burned through the remaining haze and the Emperor was bathed in radiance. More dialogue followed, but I took little notice for my own thoughts were charging wildly about my brain and my blood ran cold as I saw in my mind's eye, a plan that had been gradually formulating in the past months and now lay at my feet.

Chapter Thirty Five

Julia Balbilla, Summer 129 A.D.

Hadrian was not the same after Mount Casius. There were no joyful words or lascivious exchanges on our return to Antioch. Hour followed hour of silence as the Emperor, deep in thought, rode without direction, allowing Borysthenes our lead. I thought to lighten his mood, but was refrained by Lucius, who motioned me to silence.

The High-Priest's proclamation had not assuaged the fateful omen. My own words would serve only to heighten the sense of mendacity surrounding the event. I drifted into my own thoughts and did not notice the passing countryside until we were well within the city's precincts. Athenoseos stayed close by my side, speaking periodically of minor things, trying to give companionship, but failing to penetrate my preoccupation.

Antioch, ripe with discontent, posed a challenge to the Emperor's rule. The population was a mixture of cultures, some of which were hostile to Rome. The city teemed with discord so often associated with such melting-pots. Hadrian had endowed the city with many gifts prior to his arrival. He honored the various religious and cultural festivals to show his support, but soon became irritated with the continuous complaints of the people.

Demands on his time were made without regard for his health and he took little care to guarantee against this abuse. Exhaustion overcame him. It was evident for all to see. Sabina purposely reprimanded him openly so aides and statesmen who stood near would take notice of her displeasure with his schedule. Hadrian had little patience and often flew into rages at the slightest provocation, but with Sabina he seemed docile and malleable. She acted the Empress in all her functions and held at bay the many who would have been curtly dismissed because of their petty complaints, not having received the justice to which even these were entitled. My favors were sought out by many who thought me open to influence. But I held out to all the uncompromising resolution to hear no suppliant. I resolved to seek no favors!

Gossip is an ever-present companion to fame and those of prominence cannot escape it. But at Antioch it seemed particularly virulent and much of it was directed against Hadrian, who was considered bold to flaunt two lovers. We were not in the land of Hellas where such bonds are admired.

The city accepted the Emperor's abundant gifts as due and chose to occupy itself with trivia and things of little consequence. Hadrian grew to hate the place and regretted his generosity. On his departure he effected plans that lowered the city's status and all major projects came to a halt. Antioch paid a dear price for its wagging tongues!

The Imperial Party passed on to Samosata, a city in the region of Commagene. Hadrian hoped to meet with Osroes, the Parthian King whose daughter had been taken captive by Trajan. It was his intention to return her as proof of the pledge to peace he had made six years before. Much importance was placed on this meeting. All rulers of the surrounding kingdoms had been invited to attend.

It was from this region that Julia Balbilla's brother, Prince Philopappos had been ousted. She made sure everyone understood she was descended from the ancient line of kings of Commagene. Hadrian had known Philopappos in Athens, having shared an admiration for the Greeks. They had been mutual in their generosity toward the Athenians. But Hadrian had little use for Julia Balbilla and considered her meddlesome. Only out of respect and friendship with her brother did Hadrian show her toleration.

Balbilla had learned astrology from her maternal grandfather, Balbillus, who had been Prefect of Egypt during Nero's reign. She claimed great power to divine prophecy and Sabina had grown to trust her and gave her credit for her words. Hadrian, troubled with the ambiguity of the event on Mount Casius, put caution aside and allowed himself to entertain Balbilla's advice through Sabina whereas, at another time, he would have spurned her involvement.

Leaving Antioch, Hadrian's mood improved and by the time we had reached the southern mountains of Cappadocia he seemed in better spirit. Yet nothing could shake his worry of the recent omen. His weakened physical condition was not helped by his obsessive fear of death. Sabina had shown admirable concern for his person since joining us at Cos. His gentle attention toward her, softened her heart; one embittered by years of rejection. Hadrian reached out to her, trying to make amends for pains inflicted out of his own frustrated need for love. She responded, befitting her grace and station.

My position was given a status I had not enjoyed before the journey to Greece, with a sense of being taken more seriously as a person of consequence. I proved myself to those who had expected me to lose favor with the Emperor once he tired of me. My influence was acknowledged. I was taken into confidence by the Empress and Commodus regarding my responsibility in Hadrian's welfare. It was I who shared his most intimate moments when he was the least guarded and able to shed his princely manners to find relief in becoming the common man. I therefore remained watchful for all signs of illness.

I seldom left his side and took pains to suffer the abuses when tensions and weariness overtook him. Hadrian would give himself up to his inner demons. I cajoled cautiously when it came time to remind him of the need to take the potions prescribed by Marulla. His anger at having to admit his body was no longer the fortress it once had been, was often directed at me.

I often found him staring into the looking-glass, concerned with increasing lines about his eyes and the loosening flesh of his face. At these moments my heart pained at his desperation. I knew what thoughts were in his mind. Like him, I wondered how the gods could look so favorable upon some men that they were given powers to control the destinies of nations, yet have so little power over their own span of years.

Lucius had instructed Marulla to report to him directly on the Emperor's health. There was something about the physician that caused me concern, yet I could not put it to words.

Observing him closely, I found him hesitant in knowledge. Yet Hadrian showed confidence in him.

“He has been with me since my boyhood days in Athens, Antinoos. He attended Philopappos until his death. I brought him to Rome to attend me as a reward for faithful service to the Prince. Marulla uses his knowledge of the art of healing wisely and also takes into account omens given by the gods and stars.”

I was even more convinced that the man was not acting on his own after Athenoseos came to me and related a conversation he had overheard between Marulla and Julia Balbilla.

“They met in the gardens, Antinoos. I was collecting herbs and was hidden from view when they appeared and spoke, thinking themselves alone. Does the Emperor know Marulla consults with the woman?”

“I think not,” I replied, not having heard Hadrian make comment on it. “And how does he consult?”

“I understood little. Marulla seemed deeply worried about the Emperor's illness and was at a loss for what to do.”

“What was her response?”

Athenoseos was obviously disturbed! He looked at me, unsure if to continue.

“Out with it Athenoseos! You have already said too much to hold back. Tell me what you heard.”

He looked around the room as though to see if we were being overheard.

“She asked about the physician's medicinal preparations and made recommendations but then, ended with these words.... ‘The Bithynian holds his salvation’.”

Athenoseos sat silently, twisting the silver bracelet I had recently given him, obviously unsure of the conversation.

“Did they say more?”

.“Julia Balbilla rose and Marulla followed as she continued speaking. I heard no more. Was I wrong in listening, Antinoos?”

“You did what needed to be done, my friend!” I took his hand and pressed it, kissing his forehead. “Have you spoken of this to anyone?”

Athenoseos looked hurt. “I came to you directly. Do you think me loose that I would speak of such a thing with the servants?”

“Do not take offense,” I said. “I am grateful for your loyalty. This connection between Marulla and Julia Balbilla appears to need clarification. I will look into it!”

Her words haunted me. It had been my own thought at Mount Casius, upon hearing the High Priest's interpretation of the event there. On our return, in the silence that had followed, I had begun to formulate a plan, one that commanded the depths of my emotions. As it grew it seemed to take on an energy of its own. This was accompanied by soothing; a sense of peace in some region of my mind. All the portents pointed to one solution for the extreme concerns that plagued me.

The great gathering of Princes and dignitaries at Samosata filled the town with excitement. Few such regional events had seen the Roman Emperor in attendance. The durbar, a celebration not uncommon in these parts was held in the great hall of the palace. Hosted by Phyllon, governor of the region, the banquet was celebrated on a grand scale with over two hundred in attendance. It lasted seven hours with food and drink served continuously. The kitchens prepared well in advance with the slaughter of seven oxen, twenty lambs, three boar, a hundred game-hens stuffed with truffles and spices, and a thousand fish kept fresh in mountain snow, brought from the southern sea.

The sumptuous meal loosened formalities. Hadrian seemed in the best of spirits, but gave evidence of his disappointment of Osroes' absence in the speech made to the representatives who had been sent to receive deliverance of the king's daughter. A pledge of friendship was renewed and Hadrian signed it, placing his seal in hot wax next to that of the one given by King Osroes' regent.

Lucius Commodus was presented as heir-apparent. Hadrian sung his praise. Lucius showed a restraint such as I had not seen before, taking careful measure of his wine and the content of his words. His aristocratic manner and ease with which he conversed secured the support of the Legion and won the admiration of the local monarchs.

Sabina sat at Hadrian's side and gave evidence of a cordial union. I had never seen them so filled with mutual respect and good humor! My own couch had been placed near enough so we could speak without raising voices. I said little, only commenting when spoken to, and held my place. I responded cordially to those who sought my company, knowing the motivation of this friendship was a curiosity of rumors.

Ending the affair, Hadrian addressed the gathering and effused gratitude, praising the leadership and excellent government that the Province of Commagene had enjoyed through the efforts of all present. He extended greetings from the Roman Senate and gave thanks in the name of the Roman Empire and all of its citizens. The foreign dignitaries returned his panegyric with a powerful ovation; a paean acknowledged peace and good will as the result of his stewardship.

In the days that followed Hadrian expressed his enthusiasm, as he had all along the route of this journey, with gifts and promotions for all who had shown courage and high-principle of duty and station. With equal force he set about making examples of those provincial officials who had been deemed corrupt. This raised suspicions of his behavior and to some, he was considered bizarre for these fluctuations of mood. Each day saw executions, and it was thought that for some who had been accused, charges had been trumped up so that examples would be made of them.

I felt that little could be served by the excessiveness of his purges, and sought the opportunity to discuss it with him. Hadrian had suggested riding into the countryside for exercise. Lucius Commodus was to be involved in hearings for those on trial and would not be present, thereby enabling me to speak freely and candidly of my concerns.

Having ridden hard for most of the morning, we stopped to rest our mounts and break bread at mid-day. Hadrian seemed happy to be alone with me, and this gave me courage.

“May I speak freely?”

Hadrian put his food down and looked at me expectantly.

“Have you felt reluctant to do so?” He asked.

“Concerning the matter at hand, yes!”

“There is fear in your eyes, Antinoos. Do you

fear me?”

“There are many who do, Lord!”

“And many should! Are you petitioning for anyone who has been charged? For if you are, it will be the first time and I think you should think carefully!”

“No Hadrian. I hold no favor and have made no promise to intervene for anyone. On the contrary, it is about you that I ask permission to speak.”

“You have it, Little Bithynian.”

Hadrian had not called me by that name for some time, and I took courage that it was his way of making me less anxious. I was not my policy to question his decisions or involve myself in the business of state. I had managed to remain unbiased and without political objectives. It was my intention that none could allege that I sought influence.

“You have become a stranger to me, these past days.” Feeling more confident, I pressed on. “I look for the man who prided himself in showing clemency and see instead a sovereign who is becoming severe and merciless.”

Hadrian removed his dagger from its sheath and held it up.

“Justice must be administered according to the crime. Like a festered part that must be cut away so that the whole survives. So too, must those who bring dishonor to Rome be amputated. Examples must be made, Antinoos. You see how those ungrateful citizens of Antioch returned my kindness!

“News of this purge must reach Alexandria. I hope it will instill fear into the hearts of all who have abused Rome's trust and benevolence. You see before you an Emperor impatient with hubris!”

“I understand the need to make public and to punish those who are found guilty of abusing the Emperor's trust, Hadrian. But there seems to be so much bloodshed here! Has Lucius Commodus commented on the quality of the trials?”

“He follows my instructions, but with resistance. And what have you to say of them, Antinoos?”

“It is what others are saying that bothers me.”

“Tell me.”  Hadrian seemed more curious than angered by my words. He had not been one to place much stock in idle gossip or criticism, in the past, having followed his own lead. He trusted few, and relied for guidance on a select band of carefully chosen advisors.

Of late his temper had been short with any who differed with him. I had witnessed this explosive trait too many times since our departure from Ephesus, where it had first occurred. There, a ship steward had been ordered flogged for a minor infraction. I thought then that Hadrian had acted merely to instill discipline. But the outbursts became more frequent and I worried when I saw him becoming less circumspect.

Hadrian's favorable attention to Sabina was unaffected by this disconcerting aggressiveness. He continued being affectionate to me, always placing much emotion in his words and deeds. To those close to him little seemed to change in the early stages of the journey. It was Antioch that seemed to exacerbate his feelings that too many complained too often about too little! I had observed the change. He felt less inclined to rest responsibility on the shoulders of those in office and took more upon himself. He began to believe he had to take a larger role in the governing of the provinces and relied less on consul.

“They say you are erratic; that something disturbs you. They believe you to be under the influence of someone. That you are no longer able to make decisions on your own.”

“And to whom do they believe I have relinquished authority?”

I found it hard to believe he had not heard the rumors himself. Hadrian had his own sources that kept him informed of intrigues and if they had not advised him of these rising resentments then he was being poorly served.

“Has Lucius said nothing?” I asked, disliking having to be the one to confront him, for surely he would feel I was assuming too much prerogative.

“Antinoos, you are reluctant. I know your thoughts about rumors and how you attempt to remove yourself from them. Lucius has kept me informed. He has not been at ease with his own role in these hearings. He feels himself being prejudiced against those to whom he will be seeking allegiances when he becomes Caesar. What he hears and is reported to him may be quite different from what you are able to hear. I wish to compare what you say with what I have been told.”

”Hadrian, you know I would do nothing to hurt you. When these things come to my attention, they disturb me greatly. Some of what is said is directed to me. They belittle my feelings for you and question yours, of me. Yet all this is nothing compared to the current rumblings. I see disharmony from all sides. It confuses me that in some regions the populace praises you as a god and in others your rule seems to generate discord. What am I to think? Until now I had no reason to doubt your judgment and your integrity.”

Hadrian face clouded with what seemed like anger. But he held himself in check. Filled with apprehension, I continued.

”You have been quick to anger. You have changed much these past few months. Your reconciliation with Sabina, although I find it wonderful, has brought disapprobation and an assumption that you have come under her influence and therefore, are in some way controlled by Julia Balbilla.”

Hadrian dropped his cup and stood. The Praetorian Guards who had been lunching at a distance took notice. They looked in all directions and seeing no-one, waited for his signal that all was well. Hadrian looked at me with suspicion.

“You have purpose, Antinoos. Speak your mind, for I am at my end with unspoken ideas and opinions from those who should give them to me freely. Even Lucius Commodus seems reluctant to speak, where he never did before. Have I become such an ogre? It seems only Sabina is pleased with me!”

“Has the Empress had any involvement in these recent trials?”

“We have spoken of the problems that have plagued the state, here. She has knowledge of some locals with whom her father had dealings. It seems her sources have been more active in keeping abreast of political mismanagement than my own.

”I am not surprised, seeing my own representatives have come under suspicion. Sabina has made recommendations based on Balbilla's advice and, should the charges continue to prove as they have, I am forced to acknowledge the prophetess' worth!”

At this point I decided to confide what I had learned of Marulla's connection to Julia Balbilla, having put Athenoseos to keeping close account after his first report.

“To what degree does Julia Balbilla have the Empress' ear?”

“Fully, Antinoos. Sabina relies on her powers of divination. The woman has knowledge but she interferes too much. I know that it is not for my benefit that her spies have reported improprieties. It is her intention to seek out all who were involved in her brother's expulsion from this land and find revenge.”

“Does she mean you good or harm?”

“I see no reason for harm. She would not risk such undertakings, for her own good and safety would be jeopardized. But power does motivate her. The Empress allows her more than I am willing, and I have made my feelings known.”

“Hadrian, has Balbilla ever spoken of me?”

“Who does not speak of you!” His words were meant as praise, but there had been an edge of avoidance as well.

“Tell me,” I urged.

“I have been advised to keep you well. Sabina is of the opinion that Balbilla has more than passing interest in you, but for what reason I have not been told. Perhaps she plans to gain your ear to intercede for her where Sabina cannot? Her motives are a mystery and I choose not to give her importance by acknowledgment.”

My curiosity of Balbilla's comment to Marulla's in the garden, begged to be satisfied. I resolved to seek her out.

Chapter Thirty Six

A Lion's Glory , Winter and Early Spring 130 A.D.

Conditions did not improve. The Emperor was forced to return to Antioch as a result of impending uprisings among the Legions. Having been deprived of some of their favored officers due to the investigations and purge, the troops had become unmanageable. Many had been found to have used their ranks for gain. The most corrupt were executed. Others were removed to distant outposts such as Dascusa and Zimara, where service was so primitive that there was little chance for a life of luxury.

Hadrian showed his disgust for having to spend so much of the winter in Antioch. He was tireless throughout this period, in efforts to correct management and poor leadership. In command, he placed officers who had proved themselves elsewhere, calling them to Antioch for the reorganization of the Legion IV Scythica. His mood was one of suspicion. He believed plots against his person to be a constant threat. Lucius began showing signs of similar stress as his service was pressed to his limit. He found himself with more authority and responsibility than he had previously experienced.

Sabina offered counsel and although Hadrian was accepting of her help, for he sought strength from those closest to him, still he was weary of her advice. Sabina and I conferred often and she urged me to remain close to him. She sent me little gifts as a sign of her appreciation for my loyalty. I would have forfeited all my pleasures and luxuries of these times to have returned to the simple life of Greece!

Hadrian became more demanding and passionate. He fluctuated between intense love and sharp outbursts of jealousy, even accusing me of having intimacies with Athenoseos. This was after he had entered my apartments and found me naked, receiving a message after a strenuous afternoon of exercise. Hadrian later apologized and presented me with a magnificent falcon, one trained by local tribesmen, to hunt in the desert regions.

I grew fond of this bird and it seldom left my side. Perched on my arm, I came to speak to it as though it understood me. Indeed, even with its head hooded, it would listen and follow my voice. Only once did I see it kill; its hooked beak tore into a hare and expertly ripped it so that it had the animals heart consumed before I could bring it away.  The sight made me vow that it would not do so again. Hadrian chided me for my reaction and advised that I should allow nature its course. But I was never able to harden to the abuse of animals.

Nights were often difficult. Hadrian would come to me exhausted from a day of continuous work, filled with anxiety, his face haggard and body grown thin and more sickly. It took great discipline to contain my shock and tears! He would lie in my arms and cling to me like a child. I listened when he chose to speak and held him when he was silent. Sometimes in our love-making he would attack me in the most aggressive way. Afterward, Hadrian would be calmed, less tense and prone to anger, and would remain so for some days. Then the cycle would begin anew.

Slowly the weeks became months and a new order began to be seen in Antioch. Hadrian's efforts appeared to bear fruit as evidenced by the Legion's renewed allegiance. The populace grew less vociferous with complaints. That this was an effect of the purge and fear or of coming to know that the Emperor had honorable intentions, I was not sure. Peace and calm returned to the city. Lucius reassured Hadrian all would be well, and urged him to take leave, for he knew it was what needed to be done. Lucius was to remain in Antioch until all was stable. Then he would join us in Judaea or Egypt.

“I have never seen the Eastern outreaches!” Hadrian sounded as though he were seeking my approval, his tone almost beseeching.

“Then we must go,” I responded, sure that he was worried I would not be willing. “Antioch holds as much for me as it does for you; I will miss it to the same degree! What is our destination?”

“It will seem like Athens again,” he said. His tone could not hide the excitement he was beginning to feel.

“We will follow the caravan routes across the desert to the trading city of Palmyra, in Arabia. It is an ancient place, Antinoos; a most beautiful city filled with riches. Silks, jewels, perfumes, pearls, and incense brought from lands beyond the eastern borders, pass through it. Greeks have settled there and I am told they have turned it into another Hellas. We have done well to bring the region into our fold!”

The Roman Empire had been extended by careful overthrow of kingdoms that had become too weak and of those that had sought Rome's protection in exchange for some degree of autonomy of rule. Others were directly annexed because of their value. One such Roman acquisition was Arabia, a vast land of fertile fields open to opportunity. The bonds between these two powers were fragile and Hadrian thought it wise to secure political ties.

“I have already sent word. All has been made ready and we leave in two days!”

We were standing near the watchman's post atop the palace ramparts. It was early evening. Beyond the city, the Orontes twisted between its banks and broke from the rifted valley and flowed into the Mediterranean. The Orontes was as resistant to navigation as Antioch's population was to direction, opposing control and coursing on its own path, unyielding! At twilight I was moved by the muted hues that shaded the distant hills and softened the harshness of what had become a distasteful place. The streets had become quiet and the evening lamps flickered like fireflies. Only the sound of vagrant children who roamed the streets in search of food, disturbed the solitude.

We walked along the parapet, his arm across my shoulder. I recalled a time when we had strolled in similar fashion in the palace garden on the Palatine. He had stood two heads above me, then. Now we were almost of equal height.

“How do you feel,” I asked, thinking him in good humor and wanting to give him opportunity to speak of his illness.

“You seem in better spirits. Your color returns.”

“This business has taken its toll, Antinoos. I had thought, some years ago when I had made

the appointments of posts here in Antioch, that the delegates were well selected. Some indeed were.

Too many failed! I have had to take grave action against some for whom I have affection; friends of many years. My mind has little rest.

“I look forward to Egypt! It is a land long in the tradition of preserving the dead. There are cult-priests said to have knowledge superior to any known elsewhere. We will go to Canopus. There, like Delphi, the gods speak through men. I shall seek out one who is said to have great power.”

The theme of death had become more of a preoccupation. He had scrolls of books on the subject left scattered about his quarters. The Book of the Dead, a papyrus requested by him and recently delivered from an Alexandria emissary, had become the focus of his reading.

“What do you hope to gain that is not yet known?” I asked.

“I wish to have made clear what was prophesied at Delphi. The incident on Mount Casius has raised doubts. I must know more!”

Athenoseos' words, overheard between Marulla and Balbilla, came to mind as I wondered if her words had reached his ears through Sabina?

“The poetess is known to have the power of foreseeing. Have you consulted her?”

Hadrian looked as though I had asked a foolish question. “Do you wish me to open a tidal-gate and allow the flood? She would never cease her advice if I asked once for it!”

“You need not ask. Consult with the Empress. Surely they speak of you.”

“That they speak of me, I have no doubt! But there is no mandate that demands my ear. I would choose more discreet sources for what I seek. The woman would soon have all of Rome know what the Emperor had asked of her.”

His words concerned me, for I had thought to approach her to inquire of myself.

The Party departed for Palmyra before arrangements could be made for me to meet with Julia Balbilla. I decided to seek her out when I could. My curiosity was too great to ignore. But all would have to wait until we reunited with Sabina's party, for she was to journey south to Judaea and would wait for us at Jerusalem.

Word had reached Hadrian that all was not well there. The Jews were already preparing to demonstrate for the Emperor's benefit, hoping to put forth causes in their usual aggressive and demanding manner. For this reason Lucius would soon follow after having secured safety and control in Antioch, to insure the same for Sabina and her party in Jerusalem.

Mark Anthony, Caesar Augustus, Tiberius, Trajan, all had sought to bring Syria into Rome's sphere of influence and interest. Palmyra had been the most independent of Syria's cities due to its being the major trade connection with the East. Caravans provided high stores of wealth for the empire and as long as the ruling families of that city continued paying taxes and tributes, law and governing was left in their hands.

Hadrian wanted to expand Palmyra's capabilities. Not satisfied to let it stand as a trading center, he bestowed the title of Hadriana to the city's name, thereby insuring it status and all that would be needed to make it a center of culture that would rival Alexandria.

Built on a flat plain, Palmyra was a city of grand colonnades, temples, and theaters. In the distance palms marked the ancient oasis and could be seen rising above the great Temple of Bel. From this place the city had grown irregularly, each precinct the result of a pre-Roman settlement and availability of a water source. It had sprung and blossomed from the desert sands as had the springs that offered succor from scorching heat. Caravans had sought its relief for as long as anyone could recall.

Hadrian had endowed Palmyra with generous gifts of money and had been receiving reports of its progress. Now it was time to see for himself what had been wrought!

As in so many other cities that had received the Emperor's party, Palmyra had prepared itself for his arrival with a great feast and celebration. The city hailed him as Hadrian the God, a title not unknown to him but one that was timely to his recent apprehensions.

I was preoccupied with somber thoughts and no amount of splendor or excitement could penetrate my mood. Only vaguely aware, I perceived events as one experiences a dream, and failed to truly appreciate the wonders and beauty of an exotic metropolis filled with the flavors of the distant lands of the Orient. Hadrian's mood improved as mine became more withdrawn. Where I had applied myself in trying to lift him from his depression, he now became the one who sought to make me smile and laugh and I resisted.

The temptation of the delights Palmyra offered could not dissuade me from my state of mind! Athenoseos showed concern, thinking me ill from travel. Marulla was sent by Hadrian to examine me, and pronounced me physically fit but suffering from melancholia.

Antipas would arrive each morning to take up my studies but soon gave up the effort. He concentrated on Athenoseos, who through my urging, had begun learn to read and write. I was left alone and found comfort in the arrangement. Avoiding all familiar faces and opportunities for social interactions, I sought my own counsel and often walked the hidden alleys of the city, dressed in an ungainly manner to blend with the rabble, achieving obscurity among a sea of races. Brooding thoughts filled my mind and my imagination gave rise to bizarre plans that I soon came to think of as my sole salvation.

Little needed to be done but review all the projects in progress and consult with engineers on the newly commissioned public baths and grain storage units which would hold ten-fold their previous capacity. Of particular interest to Hadrian was an arch in the manner of the one he had erected at Athens. Commissioned within the year, it already stood higher and broader and was more imposing than its counterpart. Certainly the essence of the city, its exotic flavor as a crossroads gave import and significance to the edifice. Hadrian had the structure placed at the head of a broad avenue lined with columns, and this location became the main gate to the city of Palmyra, announcing without words to all who arrived from points throughout the Empire as well as places still little known to Rome, that truly this city was of consequence and one blessed by the gods!

Once done, Hadrian looked again to his favorite pastime and sought to organize a hunt when he learned a lioness, injured and dangerous, had been stalking a local village and had already killed several inhabitants. But I objected, recalling the Delphi Oracle's words, Do not tempt the gods with your life!

“Do not the Priests of Zeus assure me that they mean me no ill will? My reign, according to the Pythia, is far from its end. I have no fear of this animal. It will be good for us to ride hard and see some of the countryside. We will also be giving a service to the villages that have been so threatened and disrupted.

“You mood needs changing, Antinoos! Your blood is too phlegmatic. Will you not tell me what bothers you? Do you wish to return to Rome?”

The thought repulsed me. After Greece, no other place could give me peace or fill me with what my soul required. I wished only to return to Athens and experience once more the sound of wind as it sweeps across the valley from the sea. To hear the banter of voices that fill the forum and agora where Greeks gather to debate everything of consequence. To see the stone-cutter's hammer chipping until forms of grace and beauty emerge from the marble, to adorn the city's parks and courtyards. To smell the sickled hay from the surrounding hills when it fills the early evening air with its wonderfully sweet aroma. No, Rome held nothing for me!

“It is the last thing I wish! So much has happened. So many thoughts go through my head when I recall what we have seen and heard, together. I seek only to make peace with myself and discover my path. I have reason and cause to question my part.”

“And what have you discovered your path to be, Antinoos? Is it not to serve and love me?”

Should I dare to reveal what had been taking form in my mind?

“It is as you say, Lord.”

“Then it is my wish that you make light and bring back those radiant eyes and let me again hear your laughter. Come, Bithynian, shed your clothing and let me take pleasure in you. You rival any of those Greek sculptures of which you are so fond!”

Forcing myself, I moved away and took a provocative pose, untying the cincture of my garment and letting it drop to the floor. Stepping from my breechcloth, I stood before him naked. Seeing his eyes pass over me and seeing his excitement ignited my own passion. I became aroused. I once would have been embarrassed for displaying myself in such a manner, but now I took pleasure in it.

As he led me away, I wondered how long I could continue to excite him? How much longer would he desire me?

The lioness had been wounded in an attempt to protect her cub from capture. Deprived of her young, it had begun to menace the village. Four had been killed while bathing in a nearby river, and two had been attacked within the village. The animal had become a threat to travelers, making the nearby caravan route a liability.

Armed with bow and javelins, we were escorted by a tribal chieftain who knew the region well and promised to lead us to the prey.  Anxious to see the falcon Hadrian had given me display its skill, I took it. The bird rode perched upon my arm, its powerful claws firmly grasped about the leather sleeve. With the hood in place, the bird made no attempt to leave. As soon as the hood was lifted, the falcon quickly glanced about as I raised my arm; its signal for flight, and flew off.

Rising high above our heads and after having circled several times with no prey in sight, it returned to rest upon my upraised arm. The falcon eagerly received the bit of meat I offered as reward, then settled when I covered its head again. It got no prey that day. It was not for some weeks after that I finally got to see the bird make a kill. The sight so repulsed me that I resolved to keep it only as a pet!

Hadrian was in good spirits. His mood was uplifted by the excitement and I found myself so inclined, forgetting for the moment my troublesome thoughts. We rode for much of the morning, enjoying a semblance of our happier days in Hellas. Athenoseos rode behind, and Hadrian praised him for his recently acquired skill in riding and me, as his teacher. I had feared Hadrian's jealousy when he had found us naked together, but little more was said after his apology, and it was evident that he held no suspicion or anger. He showed Athenoseos kindness and responded to him less as a slave and more as if the boy was my companion. Hadrian had the ability to ignore the harsh distinctions between the classes and often treated subjects as equals. This was an attribute I had always admired and one that endeared him to his people.

We arrived within the area ranged by the lioness. The animal had been wounded and could no longer hunt for itself effectively. It had taken to killing the easiest prey it could find. That its cub had been taken surely must have intensified its hate for human scent and perhaps it was also seeking revenge. Once having tasted human flesh, it sought nothing else and all the villages around had become target.

Hadrian understood that no wayfarer was safe. No child could be left unattended. No animal or livestock could be left unguarded until the beast was found and destroyed. But there was a deeper reason. He intended to place himself in danger to test his invincibility. He tempted the gods!

Not until sunset did we detect the first traces of the lioness. The animal's tracks led to a rocky outcropping on the edge of the highlands that bordered the desert. It was believed that the cat knew it was being followed and had sought this vantage to observe us. I saw the prints left in the dust as it had begun its ascent, and judging from their size, the animal was formidable! I knew that should it become trapped with no escape from the rear, the lioness would charge. Coming from above us, there would be little defense and a cause for grave danger.

My muscles tensed and my hearing attuned to any noise that would give the beast's whereabouts away. I should have been filled with fear. Instead, I found myself highly stimulated and akin to the excitement I felt when sexually aroused.

“Look,” I pointed.

“It is not unusual, Antinoos. I have seen gladiators and victims of the games in full erection. If the time was not so pressing I would bring you relief. Go urinate, it may help!”

I took his suggestion but found that I could not. With a sharp flick of my finger, the condition corrected itself.

We made our way carefully up the sheer face of a ledge as others approached from the other side, with the intention of forcing the animal out of hiding and into our direction. Bows would be useless in such terrain. The javelins were carried in readiness.

Reaching the top, no trace of the lioness could be seen. We were met by the advancing party, stunned to realize that somehow, the animal had eluded us. Hadrian led the search in the diminishing light, already too dark to be able to distinguish anything of value. Signs of prints were impossible to find on the rocky ground.

“So much for your apprehensions, Antinoos!. It seems this beast was not meant to be ours.”

“It pleases me, Lord.”

“You feared it, then?”

His tone told me he was disappointed.

“Not for myself! Will we pursue it at daybreak?”

Hadrian gave the order to return to the mounts.

“This hunt has ended, Antinoos. We cannot take more time. We depart for Judaea in two days. Perhaps the gods have interceded!”

There had been no mistaking his tone of voice. Hadrian was as relieved as I, that the hunt had ended. He had experienced fear! I felt myself drawn even closer to him for this frailty and loved him more for having shared it.

Word reached us on the following day that the lioness had been found dead. The news spread with speed throughout the area that the Emperor and his godly powers had eliminated the feared animal without having seen it; that his presence alone had been enough to slay it. Palmyra welcomed him, celebrating his accomplishment for two days with proclamations and festivities.

I stood beside him as he received homage from the dignitaries of all the surrounding communities. Village elders and high priests prostrated before him. Hadrian sent enough stores and provisions to the settlement that had suffered the loss, for all to partake of the celebration. His name was sung in praise and he was called The Lion. His spirit rose as he felt a reconfirmation of his powers and of the thought that he had not been abandoned by the gods.

Chapter Thirty Seven

Prophesy, Summer 130 A.D.

The resolutions at Antioch and the journey to Palmyra significantly affected Hadrian's temperament. For a time, he seemed more pleasant and less prone to anger.

Judaea lay ahead and Egypt was to follow. I knew something of both territories. My anxiety of forthcoming events was heightened by Hadrian's concern for the Jews and their fanaticism and religious zeal. He viewed them as a recalcitrant group, absolute in their refusal to be assimilated into the Hellenic culture he attempted to promote. In his eyes the Jews were separatists who posed a serious threat to peace.

In the beginning Hadrian had no intention of playing into their hands by giving them cause for revolt. To the contrary, the Emperor exhibited tolerance. He played host to the leaders of the local tribes as we made our way down the coast to Judaea. Hadrian distributed gold coins and donated food to those who suffered illness or hunger; many of the Jews were herdsmen whose sole sustenance were flocks of sheep and goats. They lived simply and many lived in poverty. He sat in the synagogues and spoke to the rabbis, discussing their beliefs and never passing judgment. He always showed an open mind. To one such priest, Hadrian spoke for
five hours. He exchanged ideas about the soul and how that most precious element of man surely must live on beyond the body's death. It is from this meeting and the recollection of it on his death-bed, that Hadrian composed the plaintive words of his poem:

Animulla vagula, blandula,

Hospes comesque corporis,

Quae nunc abilis in loca

Pallidula, rigida, nudula,

Nec, at soles, dabis jocos.

Little soul, gentle and wandering, Sharer of my body, To what place will you now go,  Pale and ghostly, Unable as you used, to play?

Until Jerusalem, relations between the Emperor and these Jewish leaders had appeared more synchronous than disharmonious, and so it was a surprise to me when later, Hadrian enforced his will and caused great resentment.

“Their arrogant ways have led to a passing of laws which, under less restrictive circumstances, would not likely have been imposed,” Hadrian explained when I pressed him about his actions.

“There is a need to display the authority of the Emperor and make it known that the Roman Empire cannot be compromised!”

Upon our arrival at Jerusalem Hadrian learned that there had been attacks against two regiments of Legions stationed outside the city's walls. Lucius announced that the non-payment of taxes had been supported by their Sanhedrin, and therefore refused by the Jews. The sum was instead to be used to repair their temple; destroyed in the devastation of the city during the wars of Titus. The Jerusalem Jews claimed the city "holy” and they were outspoken against any control or interference by Rome in their affairs.

Resentments ran high! To make matters worse, when Hadrian met with this delegation that had been appointed to represent all Jews in the city, he was paid little respect for his position. They had met him with arrogance and disregard for formality. Their spokesman, a man called Simon Bar-Cochba, displayed an attitude that left no question of his contempt of Roman Rule.

One of Simon Bar-Cochba's first demands was the return of their revered menorah. The seven-branch candlestick had been taken by Titus when he had put down a Jewish revolt by sacking the city. Hadrian refused this demand not because he thought it an unreasonable request, but because the demand had been given as an order. Had the general attitude of the Jews been conciliatory and agreeable, Hadrian would have granted most of their request he found reasonable. But the actions of the Jerusalem Jews were hateful to him.

There was no doubt that tensions were taking their toll. In Antioch I had witnessed how his words had sharpened; how his body had moved less fluidity, and how his face had seemed ever flushed from the pressure. Hadrian's heart was sometimes weak and seemed strained. Marulla feared the organ would burst or stop suddenly. He used the dry leaves of the nightshade plant to treat these weak moments, when Hadrian would begin to feel the pain in his arm and find his breath suppressed. The medicine was intended to reduce and control his tension. Circumstances seemed destined to test his limits.

I resented his reproaches in those times when he would forget me for hours or even days. I thought myself used, and questioned my purpose in remaining in his company. It seemed I were more a slave than lover. To soothe my anger I sought the quietude of strangers and the anonymity of hidden quarters of the cities to escape. There, walking the maze of streets and alleys, I observed the humanity of the marketplaces. It was how I regained perspective and realized the hopeless lives to which most had been fated. I would recognize again that my own life was much gifted and that my resentment was nothing more than self pity.

Although I experienced these depressions and obsessions less than in the past, having become confident of myself and of Hadrian's true affection for me, there still occurred episodes that must have appeared to him as expressions of ungratefulness. Eleusis had taught me that nothing is at it appears. I questioned my past beliefs and prejudices and found that I developed a profound sense of greater purpose. It was this knowledge that rescued me from my resentful and petulant airs, as our journey progressed. One truth was made manifest; Hadrian showed unbounded love and caring. Yet I did not always see it.

His love and concern for my well-being was a constant reminder of the extent to which my life was in his hands and my continued existence, in his grace. My soul was his! He had claimed it by rescue.

In this respect historians have misunderstood part in our relationship and were not correct when they called me a slave compelled to be in his service, and a chattel to his whims and urges. I willingly made myself so! Whenever I pledged this service to him to show my love, and I did it often, he would remind me of his words when we first met at Claudiopolis the afternoon I had fallen to my knees and declared myself his property to do with as he wished. He had remonstrated me, saying that I had been born the son of a free man and should therefore feel free to refuse him if I were so inclined. This permission to be my own master was one he never denied me. There are few who can claim to give as much to the ones they profess to love! For, most who enter into relationships, look upon their beloved as something owned; to be molded and sculptured according to expectations. And when these are achieved, they confront a stranger.

It had been his nature to allow differences of thought, believing men to be the best judges of the needs of their own souls. For this reason, I became exceedingly apprehensive when he spoke of his plan to ban an ancient rite practiced by the Jews. His decision had much less to do with his concern for their welfare and more of enforcing his will. Although I believed in his premise, for the practice of circumcision was not so compelling that it deserved the risk of giving the Jews added reason for further revolt, I felt the interference ill-timed.

The Jews claimed circumcision as a necessary and compulsory initiatory rite mandated by their god as a symbol of purification. The ritual had been performed for centuries. It had always been considered barbaric by the Greeks and Romans; an unnecessary mutilation of the body associated with primitive cultures of the East.

“You think me excessive, Antinoos? Let me tell
you, enforcing my will and rule is not my only purpose for intervening. The empire knows me to be lenient to those who honor gods different from our own. It is my belief that whatever name we give them, the gods all share a common spirit. Be they many, or one as the Jews believe. Name or number is irrelevant. The truth lies in what quality of spirit within each man, these gods bring to life!

“For my part, no god would require the butchering of children. This is an edict of men! Listen to the cries of the babies when rabbis carry out the rite. I have heard them! let them find some other less brutal sign for setting themselves apart from other men. I will not condone this abuse any longer!”

“But the Egyptians perform the same ritual. Will you not prevent them as well?”

“The ban will affect all who perform this abomination. Egyptians wait until puberty. The child can at least understand the significance of its pain and may have a say in the matter, but it makes it no less acceptable. It must be ended!”

Hadrian did not stop at restraining the Jews in their practices, thereby agitating them into resistance. After arriving in Jerusalem and witnessing the catastrophic effect of the war waged by Titus, he further enhanced their ire by deciding to rebuild the city, thinking this a benevolent gift. The new city was not to resemble the old. The ancient capitol of Jewish religion would be transformed into a stunning metropolis, a shining example of Greco-Roman design that would represent all that Hadrian found beautiful in the Hellenic tradition.

I saw his version take form. I listened as he spoke to the architects. Realizing what he was planning to do, I wondered about the stability of his mind. This man of moderation was giving way to excess. The project of rebuilding Jerusalem displayed a serious disregard for the city's antiquity. He was creating a crisis that, at another time, he would have avoided at all cost. His decision would come to plague him in his later years!

There were others who shared my concern. I sought the counsel of Lucius Commodus, who had been in Jerusalem for some days before our arrival. He had met with the city's leaders and with those who professed to represent the voice of the Jewish community.

There had been much speculation among the Jews of Jerusalem, of the reason for the Emperor's visit. Commodus reassured them that Hadrian had no other purpose than to see the extent of the destruction that still existed, and to lay plans for reconstruction. This was what Lucius had been told to say. He had no knowledge of the extent to which Hadrian intended to change the city's essence and flavor. There were bitter words between them when the plan became known. Lucius accused Hadrian of undermining his credibility and respect as the future Emperor.

Sabina said little, but observed her husband's behavior, realizing her criticism would reduce what little confidence and respect had developed between them. Coming to recognize Hadrian's instability, Sabina took great care to appear supportive. She utilized those around her who had the Emperor's ear to pass on her concerns and recommendations as though they were their own.

“You have his trust,” she acknowledged to me.

“ I see him less in command of his mind and health. He worries me, Antinoos!”

“I share your concerns, Lady. Something presses on him. Marulla believes it is his heart.”

“You think this?”

“I am not a physician, my Lady.”

“And the physician is not his lover! Who would know what troubles him or see his habits more clearly than the one who is by his side day and night?

“Come, boy. What think you?”

Sabina's tone was pressing. She had never given me reason to distrust her. Although unable to name the bond between us, I believed one existed. I felt myself drawn to her and was inclined to disclose my thoughts and apprehensions. But there was a strong inner voice that cautioned me to be discreet and hold my tongue on certain issues.

“The Emperor looks upon his mission as a charge from the gods,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “There have been signs to suggest he holds favored status. Has he not won the respect from those who, before his time, rebelled at Roman? Has he not been honored with divine appellations by a multitude of cities throughout the Empire?

“Who can refute the fact that there have been no major conflicts or war within his reign? Never has the Empire experienced such good fortune! The Senate honors him by giving no opposition. Hadrian only acknowledged what seems to be a fact accepted by many; that he has divine powers!”

“Yet his health disputes his divinity! He is torn by contradiction and weighed by worry that he will be denied the fulfillment of his design for a united empire.

“My Lady, can the gods be so unjust as to place
a dream within his mind, then deny him its realization?”

We had been joined by Julia Balbilla. Sabina turned to her with a look of expectancy.

“The Emperor has been given all that is needed to realize this dream, Antinoos.”

Julia Balbilla spoke quietly, a marked change from her usual commanding voice.

“The means by which this is to be accomplished needs only to be realized by those who are to play a part! All is not always what it seems. Your own destiny is written. The answer will be given. You have already begun to understand it, boy. Allow the gods to guide you!”

There was a compelling exchange of emotion between us, our eyes penetrating deeply into regions of which I could not, at the time, fully understand. Little remained to be said. Balbilla had understood my thoughts; she had known the thing I had been considering since Antioch. For the first time I realized that I had miscalculated her powers and abilities. Quietly and for some moments, I looked to each of them for some direction. Surely I had not been summoned only to discuss my own opinions about the Emperor's health!

Sabina relieved the tension of silence by disclosing her cause. “I wish for you to continue being what you have been to him. Hadrian trusts you and finds comfort in the stability of your relationship. In this period where so much seems to be in flux, the Emperor needs you for the love you give and also for your political impartiality.

“Antinoos, you are admired for your circumspection regarding the intrigues of court. Others in your position would have sought personal aggrandizement. I know the Emperor finds comfort in knowing you are fully trustworthy and non-political.

“Although he is on the best of terms with Lucius Commodus and looks to his as the new emperor, still Lucius is not without a political agenda and is, therefore, prejudiced to certain issues. The recent events here in Judaea are an excellent example!”

Sabina looked at Julia Balbilla with a knowing glance as she said these words then continued.

“Having discussed the religious and political climate with Lucius, I know Hadrian's direction is not one which Lucius would have chosen. The Emperor resists his advisors, when once he offered them more consideration.”

I edged my words. “Do you suggest that I try to influence him, Lady? For surely I would be destroying the very element for which you say he gains comfort!”

Sabina walked to a window and stood there, thinking for some time. Then she turned and faced me, her eyes looking deeply into mine as though to hold my attention to emphasize that she was telling me more than her words were meant to communicate.

“Not at all Antinoos! For your part you must continue lending a sympathetic ear. Give your opinions tempered with great caution, when you must. And be his source of love.”

Sabina exchanged glances with Balbilla then continued. “You must also be attuned to what your mission is in all this, as you have wondered in the past. I think you sense your place. Know that I am here, should you need to speak. I request only that you urge Hadrian to be reserved in his decisions. Encourage him to restraint. The prize will exceed the price! Although we might appear as antagonists to the world, we are allies, Antinoos!”

I bowed and prepared to leave. “You have made me feel like nothing less, Lady! I remain in your service and am grateful for your kindness.”

“Judge him not too harshly,” Sabina cautioned. “My agents tell me that you leave him for long periods. You find solace or peace in the streets and market places? Know that your face is known and that doing this places you in danger. You could easily be captured and held for ransom. You could be killed as a way of some crazed faction finding retribution against the Emperor. You could even find yourself charged with any number of crimes that would lend themselves to these lonely excursions.”

Sabina had leaned closer and looked more intent, not letting me lose the significance of her warning. “These expeditions could be costly to him. I suggest you no longer stray by yourself, but only go in the company of others.”

I had given little thought to all the possible dangers of my lone sojourns. Hadrian had not reprimanded me. Nor had he denied me the right to go off by myself. He had assumed the Praetorian Guard assigned to me, offered me protection and had not been told that I had eluded them many times.

Her words sobered me. From that day, no strange face went unnoticed. I became suspect of everyone I did not know. I took to bringing Athenoseos with me everywhere. But his company, although enjoyable, prevented me the moments of escape I had come to need, having had little since our departure from Athens.

I missed being able to share more time with Hadrian, but he was preoccupied with work and I chose to continue to maintain my detachment with affairs of state. More than ever I was cognizant of how easily my presence offered opportunity for criticism, for the Jews had little tolerance of love between men, and their laws punished infractions with severe measure.

Jerusalem produced a more pronounced ambivalence than Antioch, where there had been a large Greek population, the flavor of which had reduced the sense of alienation. Jerusalem was a city torn by factions, still in ruins from the wars and until late, had seemingly accepted its fate or was unable or unwilling to rise and rebuild.

Hadrian took the matter in his own hands. Before departing for Egypt he ordered the old ruins leveled. Out of the ashes would rise the new city of Aelia Capitolina. Jehovah's city would become the city of Hadrian the God, and the Temple of the Jews would be replaced by the temple of Jupiter-Zeus. It was a decision that would come to cause him more harm than he imagined.

Chapter Thirty Eight

Egypt,  Late Summer 130 A.D.

So many images...., so many recollections! I have managed to arrange my thoughts, to sift through the memories and find a commonality, to arrive at the understanding I so earnestly sought throughout my life. It brings me rest at last.

My mind is a museum of many rooms, each containing a multitude of artifacts, separate and tenderly guarded and each, my claim to having lived and loved. Every recollection has been cherished, protected in anticipation of the proper time to have them known.

Throughout the centuries, the ground has relinquished pieces of ancient marble, long buried by purpose, purge, or chance. Like my thoughts, these have been hidden in dark places. On a Grecian hillside, many years ago, a near-perfect sculpture came to light and its radiance and quality spoke boldly of a lad who looked out upon the world with unseeing eyes. Mount Parnassus looms above a verdant valley. Delphi lays cradled against its side. It was there that I stood with Hadrian on the steps of the ancient temple and gazed with wonder at the surrounding hills and at the far Bay of Corinthos. I understood why only the Gods could have inspired such construction! It was there also, long forgotten until discovered by a farmer's plow, that a chipped and stained stone figure was unearthed.

Below the sacred Temple of Apollo and past the shrines built to hold the treasures of still more ancient states, another building stands. It is of a more recent time built to house the artifacts that speak of the essence of what that sacred sanctuary symbolized. In a corner of the museum, set aside by itself, stands the statue of a young Greek arrested in a moment in time; pensive and about to move forward in pursuit of some purpose. The figure displays a serenity of face and body. Yet there is a melancholy air about the eyes that look down, seemingly deep in thought. The marble figure, like so many others unearthed throughout the centuries, bears a remarkable resemblance to the living being it represents. The figure commands attention for it was fashioned by an artisan whose hands were guided to mark a moment lived.

I stand alone. All clothing and symbols of my station, put aside. One foot is firmly planted while the other, slightly bent, prepares to take the final step toward the murky water. It is a time of reckoning, when little else lays open to me. Before I had taken the first milk from my mother's breast, before even my first breath, my foot had already moved upon the path to the water's edge!

An old man's words filled with seeing, were given to a child who thought him too mysterious and removed to be taken seriously. This was the beginning of a succession or portents demanding recognition. Grandfather introduced the theme, although not comprehended until some years later that would be the fountainhead of an ultimate offering.

Bithynia was steeped in mysticism. I turned to the stars and know this. Happenstance is but an illusion, an offering of the Gods meant to appease and tease men into believing they have control of their own destinies! For much of my life I held the belief that what lay ahead could be divined and with some element of intervention, fate could be changed. I searched the heavens and listened to those who claimed to have a knowing in these things.

As we approached Egypt I felt the attraction of its mysteries as though beckoned by a powerful force. Hadrian had faith that he would come to know the answers he so desperately sought. I had hope for more!

The Imperial Party had made its way from Jerusalem to Gaza and from there, Sabina and her retinue boarded ships for Alexandria. Hadrian chose to journey to that destination on horseback in order to ascertain the condition of the land and its people.

Following the ancient road that held to the coastline, I observed evidence of the land's productivity. Egypt had been a major supplier of grain for the Empire. It held great responsibility. It bore this weight reluctantly and of late, the population had begun to experience hardship. Egypt's primary source of income had been drastically reduced by the drought, as evidenced by the parched soil and constant taste of dust. As we rode, the serious problems existing in spite of the break in the drought that had occurred in the western regions of Africa several months before, became more obvious. A large barge met us at Pelusium, to transport us to Alexandria. Sailing close to the irregular coastline, Hadrian was able to see for himself that the condition of the land was no better than that observed since Jerusalem.

The Nile flows from deep within the African continent. It branches into numerous smaller subsidiary rivers and streams near Heliopolis, and these add their deposits of silt to the expansive delta that fans into the Mediterranean. Further west along the coast, Alexandria occupies the lowlands beyond Canopus.

I had thought Palmyra to rival Athens. In truth the surrounding desert with its oasis and Palmyra's buildings had overpowered me with beauty. But Alexandria rose from the land like a majestic queen with flowing robes, bold, bedecked with jewels, and painted like a courtesan. Athens was a city of quiet thought, peaceful and subdued in its daily life and commerce. Alexandria teemed with vitality and effused with a multitude of languages. Although Greek was the principle tongue and the speech of government, so many other languages and dialects were spoken that I was in awe of how well everything seemed to be understood.

This region had long been witness to the ancient tradition of human sacrifice; and an age-old ritual begun by Osiris. His legend was not lost to me! Murdered by his brother, Seth, his body was dismembered and the pieces thrown into the Nile, the penis and other parts eaten by fish. He was resurrected by his wife and sister, Isis. In memory of the god, mortal men who have met their death by drowning in the Nile have been honored through the ages. These victims have been considered god-like and sacred, and are witnessed by the shrines I observed along the river's banks.

Alexandria, a city that never slept and one which seemed to attack all senses was, for me, a place of removed contemplation. While all about me the excitement of court filled each day with duty and events, I restrained myself, engaged with some fearful conflict that pressed every element of my being to present myself to the Emperor without causing him undue suspicion of what I was about to do. That my life had taken on another aspect and that it was of little value as a mortal thing, was something I had come to realize months before, at Eleusis. Life's essence had been breathed into me not for my own gratification, but as a means of giving life to another. I found myself questioning little of the destiny I had come to realize. I only sought an answer to when this destiny would find its time! But there were forces unknown to me and others who played their part of which I had no knowledge who also seemed to be destined to the same ends. The gods being fickled ensure fate by creating other possible options, when if chosen, lead to the same conclusion.

Many were the thoughts sought to justify my mood. Nearing twenty, I had given way to youth. Soft lines and fair skin had been replaced with muscle and the beginning of hair where men show maturity. My body had become built through the hardships of military revues and constant riding. I challenged myself in every way, striving to show my best to the one whose opinion I most valued. Seldom was I made to feel I had given less than what Hadrian had come to expect. He was my mentor, protector, and lover. I owed him all and held myself accountable to the debt.

No longer a boy, the man who stood before him was more of an equal. I suspected resentment and sensed a change in our relationship. Yet still passionate
in our love making, his excitement obvious as soon as he touched me, there existed a subtle difference. I became occasion for questioning.

“Do I still excite you?”

“And why would you not?”

“Look,” I said, standing before him, “I am not the boy I was in Claudiopolis!”

Hadrian laughed ironically, “And I am not the man to whom you showed an attraction in Claudiopolis! Now you see one older with gray and thinning hair. Remember when this stomach was firm? We have changed, Antinoos!”

His response went to the core of my fear.

“You have begun to grow a beard,” he noted, taking my hand and bringing me closer into the lamp's light.

“Like yours,” I said, hoping he would not think me foolish. My former curls, the full head of hair Hadrian had loved so much to stroke, had been shorn in favor of the more popular military style. “It pleases you?”

“What are you up to?” He searched my face for an answer.

“I am eight years older, Hadrian. I am what you see!”

“And in your heart you worry that I will no longer find you attractive? Yes, I can see that it is an issue with you. Have I given you indication of losing interest? How little you trust me, Antinoos!”

Each suspicion of Hadrian's loss of interest had pressed me to make changes in my appearance, instead of trying to retain the old. To the same degree that I mistrusted my power to hold his desire, I boldly adopted new ways, as if to tempt him to prove my doubts.

“You knew my interest, that day in the garden?”

“Keenly,” he said, “Your eyes never left me, except for when I returned your gaze. The connection was instantaneous, Antinoos. I knew you would be mine and that from you, there would be no objection. The matter of your parents' approval was simply in the presentation. Your mother recognized the advantages. Your father suspected my motives.”

We had seldom spoken about that time and the manner of the arrangement. “And what was his reaction?”

“He was cautious in questioning the Emperor. This I knew. I promised that nothing would be required of you that was not fully of your agreement. This allayed his fear.

“Now, what must I do to allay your fears”

“You have not been yourself,” I answered, “There is no one for whom I care for more. My only purpose is to be of use to you! Through you I have lived a richer life than would have been possible in my homeland. I know what I mean to you, Hadrian. At least I think I know!

“I was about to say that I have no fear of you leaving me. It would be a lie. I do fear becoming less in your eyes, and of loosing you.”

“I know that you worry, Antinoos. I am ill. Of that I have no illusion. Your welfare is not lost to me. There is more purpose for being in Alexandria than to appease the populace and of brining peace.

“You have seen the land! Two seasons have passed without the expected rains. There had been some hope when the skies filled with clouds, last year. Word was carried that the Emperor had interceded. In Egypt, I am the Pharaoh, the Living God. It is I who will be accountable should the Nile fail to overflow. Three seasons of drought will bring starvation here, and all about the Empire the empty granaries of Egypt will be felt!

“This ancient land holds many secrets. There are those who are knowledgeable in the art of magic, who hold powers that I must come to have. What accord shall I receive from these Alexandrines when my word will not bring what is most needed? How can I hope to influence them into peace among themselves if I fail to show my power as Pharaoh and Emperor?”

I listened without interruption. Hadrian spoke as if addressing the gods forgetting, it seemed, that I was there. His eyes were focused in the distance and his body paced. For some moments silence filled the room. Then he suddenly turned and faced me, his visage filled with dread.

“You must help me, Antinoos!”

“Tell me what it is I must do.”

“Heliopolis is but a few days distance. Go there. Find the mystic, Pancrates. Prepare him to meet me. There are scared rites which can allow visions of what is to come. He will guide me!”

“When shall I leave?”

“Prepare yourself. Lucius Commodus arrives on the morrow and he will take you there.”

“But why are you not coming?”

“We have just arrived. There are formalities which must be observed. Dignitaries must be accorded their due if I expect their cooperation when the time comes for their need. You have changed, it is true. So have your duties! You represent me now, Antinoos. Hold your own with Commodus but allow him his station! I love him as a son and like a son, he will inherit his father’s legacy!”

Try as I might to keep my mind clear of jealousies I could not avoid the reality of Lucius Commodus. Now twenty-nine, he was not so far removed from me in age. Hadrian had been keeping company with him more than in the past. I tried to convince myself that the business of state was the cause.

“My love moves me to do your bidding, Lord!”

At this time an event occurred that heightened my growing conviction that destiny could not be avoided. Word reached the Emperor that Libya, a city west of Alexandria, was being terrorized by a ferocious lion. I faulted the gods for their redundancy with omens and signs. Hadrian looked at the situation as a challenge, convinced he was being given another chance to prove himself. This beast held a terrible reputation for being cunning, fearless, and of  amazing size. The Emperor was pressed with urgency to assist in the problem as surrounding communities were being devastated and in near-panic. Heliopolis was delayed. Preparations were made for a hunt and a small band of his most faithful companions were equipped to face several days in the field. The Emperor had vowed not to return without having laid the beast at his feet. As in Antioch, Hadrian was happy to leave the stifling atmosphere of Alexandria, where once again tongues had begun to wag in criticism and ribald obscenities of the Emperor’s appetites and habits. I was the brunt of the rude stories, and graffiti had begun to appear in the bazaars. Lucius’ name was linked with a long line of amoral Roman Emperors whose habits were deemed deplorable. It seemed that much of the Emperor’s benevolence was overshadowed by his relationship with prostitutes who buy a life of luxury by selling themselves to the Emperor’s pleasures. August was intensely hot. Wearing the desert dweller’s light clothing, we rode out of Alexandria filled with excitement for the hunt. Bronzed and weathered by the sun, little distinction could be drawn between our band and that of the local tribes.

Chapter Thirty Nine

Quae Nunc Abilis In Loca, Autumn 130 A.D.

“There will be little time when the beast attacks, Antinoos. It will come  suddenly. Keep your head and give no sign of fear; the horses are trained to hold their ground in the face of a charge. Aim your thrust carefully and move away quickly.”

Every nerve of my body was attentive to all sound and movement. I obeyed Hadrian’s directive and remained behind to cover him. Riding swiftly, we followed expert trackers of local origin, who knew the animal’s habits. Behind us followed three javelin bearers who had difficulty keeping pace. In spite of his years and illness, Hadrian seemed little affected by the activity and I took heart with his agility, thinking he might be regaining his strength. Daylight had begun to wane. Hadrian feared the hunt would have to be abandoned until the following day. But soon, the first signs of the animal were noted by the edge of a small waterhole. Nearby we found its kill, a large water-buffalo so huge it gave indication of the lion’s size. Its tracks led into a range of foothills and the valley floor below had already gone into shadow with the crest of the ledge above our heads still in bright sunlight. The wind carried a light scent of sage and it favored us, blowing in our direction. So much noise was being made by our attendants that Hadrian instructed them to remain behind, as we rode higher. Each armed with a javelin, spear, and long-knife we urged the horses forward along the narrow trail which was actually a cascade that carried runoff from the rains. It wound sharply upward and became too  treacherous for horses. Borysthenes and Catapult were left in the care of Athenoseos. The path was uneven and covered with sharp rocks that made footing extremely dangerous. My knees and hands were already bloody resulting from several falls due to loose shale. I began wishing the Emperor had left the beast alone to menace the countryside as it wished!

“Caution,” Hadrian warned, concerned with the noise I made. “Smell the air, Antinoos. I suspect its lair may be about. Keep alert to the Bedouin. They will give sign if the animal is spotted.”

Suddenly a silence fell upon the scene and I saw ahead, the tribesmen frozen in motion. One man raised an arm to beckon us forward. I followed Hadrian and placed each step where his had fallen and moved myself in the same manner. Reaching the trackers, I saw before me a large oval of flat ground at the mouth of a cave. Before it lay the most beautiful of animals, a great cat whose hide was the color of honey and its black mane framed fierce eyes and a muzzle of large teeth. From behind us came the sound of the bearers struggling to come nearer. The cat rose, roared, and leaped to a ledge above its lair, covering an unbelievable distance. Then it was gone! Hadrian exclaimed a series of profanities and turned quickly to run for Borysthenes. I followed, knowing his intention was to circle the animal  on the other side of the hill. Keeping hold of the weapons and managing to get myself upon Catapult, surprised me. I noted the expression in Hadrian’s eyes and knew that I and the lion were now in his challenge. We reached the other side of the ridge, now bathed in the sun’s last remaining light. Hadrian rode toward a growth of tall reeds. Within the thicket the sound of the lion’s frantic movements could be heard.

“It has run into swamp, Antinoos!” We were joined by several others.

“The animal has little place to escape,” one of the men called to us. “This swamp is extensive and deep. It must come out!”

Suddenly the huge cat bounded through the reeds some distance to our left and I followed in pursuit. I could hear the sound of Borysthenes close behind. The lion moved in beautiful grace, its muscles and sinews showing force and power. Leaning forward, I urged Catapult to full speed, its eyes bulging with excitement and exertion. I fully appreciated Catapult’s quality and training. Another mount would have frozen with fear of the animal’s scent and thrown its rider forward. She responded to every command. Before I could reign, the lion came to a stop, turned and faced us, its gigantic head low and menacing – its face, more beautiful still. I charged, spear aimed. With amazing speed the cat raced forward, mouth open. The air was rent with its roar. In full gait, it charged on. I brought Catapult to a stand and waited. The lion moved with such swiftness that it soon appeared too close for me to have time to make my throw. As if detached from myself, I watched my arm move forward to aim as my other arm moved away from my body for balance. It occurred to me that I could be mortally wounded and realized I had no fear, thinking only that the lion would be slowed enough by my thrust and would allow Hadrian a proper aim and kill. I could serve my purpose! My spear was thrown followed by two javelins. The cat was pierced clean through before it reached me. Leaping from my mount, I withdrew my knife to administer the final blow. Suddenly the lion rose and its face was so close that I felt its hot breath and smelled its odor. About to pounce in spite of many wounds, the beast foamed at the mouth and it seethed with fury. But it made no move forward. Such was its fate, for Hadrian’s spear had come from behind and cleanly entered its chest at the heart. Hadrian moved past me and coming upon the beast as it lay in its death-throws, he drew his knife across the lion’s throat, spilling blood upon himself and the surrounding ground. Hadrian faced me, his eyes glazed, sweat beaded on his brow. He was breathing heavily and blood from a deep wound in his arm dripped from his fingers. I rushed to him and tore a piece from my clothing, pressing my fingers on the artery above the wound to slow the flow. Athenoseos had been with the attendants and he ran forward, tying the bandage as I continued applying pressure. The animal lay dead at our feet. My life had been saved by the Emperor’s speed and accuracy. Realizing what he had done, I was stunned at his calm. Hadrian’s wound took many weeks to heal. Where there had been five scars, there were now six to show his meeting with the regal beast. He would in time, have a memorial coin struck to commemorate the event. This medallion would show the massive beast lying dead, the Emperor’s foot placed on its head in victory. The Bithynian would be shown standing close, intimating position and intimacy. The Pythia’s prophesy had been fulfilled but still, a star was yet to shine.

We returned to Alexandria and to the notoriety of the hunt. Hadrian was congratulated and celebrated. Sabina had served well in his absence, managing to placate some of the worst gossips with favors and gifts. Lucius Commodus had arrived. His grand looks and regal airs had not set well with the populace. Not that Lucius actively performed in a manner not becoming his station! On the contrary, he exhibited a most restrained manner. But there were those who would not see him as anything other than the Emperor’s toy.

Once again, we were in a city filled with dissension. With an elite Greek population, other races were denied power. The Egyptian peasantry were the lowest of ethnic groups, forced to hard labor and long hours of toil in the fields to feed the bellies of Rome and much of the remaining empire. They resented Roman rule and detested the Greeks for having become their masters.

When Hadrian had first suggested the eastern journey I had not anticipated the problems and ill will that we found. The degree to which he was criticized, confounded him. Had the land been less in need and the various factions more in accord, our own morality would have been less open to question. He set about bringing some settlement. I believe the charge for Lucius and myself to act as his emissary at Heliopolis was to remove us from the scene and reduce the discord in Alexandria. Heliopolis had been the city of the Sun God, Ra. With its ancient temples and school of Egyptian science, it has been the setting for a number of exotic cults.

Situated on a hill, this city had been once a thriving center. It now stood deserted, save for the priests, practitioners of magic and astrology who maintained the temples and survived on the business of their art. The priest, Pancrates, was said to hold formidable power. He was respected by all who spoke of him. I played my part, that of companion to Lucius Commodus, conceding all arrangements for the Emperor’s meeting to his authority and station. We suffered each other, neither greatly trusting the other. His grace of style and manner contrasted to my own humble origin. I understood the reasons for Hadrian’s initial attraction and his continued interest, and intention to make Lucius his successor.

Hadrian arrived several days later when all had been made ready. The Emperor met with Pancrates and was instructed on how to prepare for the ceremony which was promised to yield revelations. For three days Hadrian fasted and kept himself in seclusion, meditating for hours and meeting with the priest for instruction. On the fourth day as the sun set, accompanied by Lucius and myself, Hadrian entered a dark hall within the Temple of the Sun. Its interior was filled with smoke and the scent of incense. Hadrian had kept himself apart from us and when I again saw him before the ritual, he seemed preoccupied and detached. Only his smile and brief touch convinced me that he recognized me.

The ritual began with prayers in the ancient tongue that Hadrian had previously been instructed to memorize. I understood none of it. This lasted for some time. Pancrates recited long passages and Hadrian responded according to formula. With passing time the hall became increasingly dark and more filled with the smoke of incense and from the few lanterns that lined the walls. Hadrian became rigid, his words spoken in a strange manner unlike his own. At what seemed to be a climatic point in their dialogue, Pancrates commanded the Emperor to look into the darkness of a far quarter of the room. My own eyes were directed to the same place. Lucius followed the order as well. Nothing but shadows could be seen. After a few moments something took form, a large mass that seemed to move in frantic motion. I was startled and lost the vision when Hadrian’s voice filled the room with a lament that tore through me and almost moved me to run to his aid. But I held my place, reminded to do so by Lucius’ restraint. Pancrates turned his head and looked us in the eyes. His raised arm told us to be patient and not to interfere. Hadrian slowly slumped from his sitting position and fell to the floor, eyes glazed and directed on the priest. Pancrates pointed a finger to another section of the room. There in the lamp’s light stood a kid. Frightened and tugging at its tether. Pancrates spoke a series of words, all the while making motions with his hands. Directing both hands toward the animal, the kid collapsed, all life having gone from its body.

“I implore you, young gentlemen, take notice and verify the animal has given up its life,” Pancrates commanded. I followed Lucius, passing close to my beloved and with all my might, restrained myself from taking him into my arms. Commodus kneeled, pressing his fingers against the animal’s neck, bringing his face close to its mouth.

“There is no life, Priest!”

We resumed our places. Pancrates spoke again, once more invoking whatever forces his power commanded, turning his attention to Hadrian. He began to speak and moved his hands as he had done before. I became filled with fear, suspecting what would follow. Surely the priest would not impose his magic and jeopardize the Emperor’s safety! Yet nothing could still my heart’s pounding, every muscle of my being yearning to rise and interrupt the terrible performance. My body would not move! Not a finger could I control. There had been no movement of Hadrian’s reclined body and his eyes were closed.

“Rise,” Pancrates called. “Come to your Lord, see how he has gone beyond!”

Lucius tried to stand but could not.

“You...,” the priest called to me. “It is for you to do this.”

I felt myself released from my confined state and found that I could move easily. Hadrian was lying quietly. I followed Lucius’ example and tried to find Hadrian’s pulse, but could not! My hand trembled as I searched frantically.

“Be still now, Antinoos,” Pancrates stood above me. “Place your hand above his heart. Repeat my words.”

I listened intently and tried to repeat the sounds Pancrates spoke, not understanding what I was saying. This incantation lasted until the formula was completed. Never did my eyes leave Hadrian’s face and in my heart I wished him life at any cost. He opened his still-glazed eyes and extended a hand to be aided to stand, saying nothing.

“Seat him,” I was told. Lucius Commodus had come forward, his angry eyes directed at me. But he said nothing.

“Death is life of a different form,” Pancrates continued, bidding us to be seated beside the Emperor. “Lord, you please the gods. You have honored them by your deeds. You have seen what you have seen, here! Much displeases you about your health. Mortal gods perish through weakness of the flesh. That, no mortal god has escaped. Yet certain rituals may come to bear upon the extension of the tender thread of life to which we hold so precious. It has been done! You see there...”

Pancrates pointed to the dead kid. “In death the animal has given over to the Emperor’s life whatever time it would have had as its own. So too it must be done by one close and dear to you for all of what you seek to do to be accomplished.

“As the river brings rebirth and life to the land of Egypt through destruction, so too will the fruits of your labors be given life by the sacrifice of another. It is the pattern!”

Hadrian began to speak but Pancrates raised a hand.

“The answers you seek will be given. Follow the Sacred River!”

It was made clear by the finality of his tone that the ritual had come to an end. I felt compelled to ask Hadrian so much about his experience, yet the calmness deep within me kept me silent. I had the answers, seeking only their confirmation. Therefore, I resolved to the plan that had been long in formulation, encouraged by what I had seen and heard. When we spoke of the event, Hadrian had little recollection of the details and he was astonished when Lucius and I recounted what had occurred. Lucius was much displeased that he had not been chosen to come to the Emperor’s aid at the temple. That I had been called was perceived as insult and threat. Hadrian eased the young aristocrat by explaining the choice as symbolic of my position, one of servitude. Lucius’ destiny was not to be of service but of succession.

“And the vaporous cloud..., what did you see in it? My own eyes witnessed something in it, but nothing of clarity.” I said.

“You saw something, then?”

“Yes,” I replied, surprised that he thought I had not. “Lucius saw also. Something more than smoke but nothing clear enough to be identified.”

Hadrian appeared still impressed by the event.

“The scene was as clear as when it happened. It was the lion of Lybia. It charged us and we were side by side. As I aimed the spear and let it fly, I became the beast and received the wound. Then you were standing over me and speaking words. I was so relieved to see you, Antinoos!”

Hadrian had some resistance to describing too much of the experience, therefore I pursued the questioning no further. Lucius kept his silence and allowed Hadrian time to reflect. He took Pancrates’ directive to embark upon the Nile journey seriously. In September we left Heliopolis and followed the river upstream, destined to find meaning in the river’s legacy. The priest’s abilities were made legitimate and in the days that followed Hadrian experienced several dreams in which Pancrates spoke to him and directed the flotilla. Soon we were joined by the Empress and her retinue. Much excitement was stimulated by the sights and customs of this mysterious land. Hadrian remained secluded. He passed on the business of state and of those duties that did not directly demand the Emperor’s attention, to Lucius Commodus, Sabina, and his aides.

Much weighed on his mind. The Imperial Party had stopped at Babylon to inspect the Legion XXII Deiotariana and where once, this inspection would have filled him with vitality, he now moved through the protocol with little enthusiasm. Even the pyramids near that place gave him little cause for curiosity. At Memphis, site of the sanctuary of the sacred Apis Bull, Hadrian consulted with its priests and sought verification to what he had been told by Pancrates. Much speculation existed among the accompanying party of the Emperor’s somber and pensive mood as having less to do with political distractions than with periods of illness. Again he fell to episodes of bleeding and weakness and of these, like so many times before, I was sworn to secrecy. We paused in the Fayoum, a fertile valley of some importance to the feeding of the Empire. Hadrian’s purpose was to meet with the regent and merchants who had been complaining against pressing taxes and the aridity of the land. The Emperor was expected to intervene and bring an end to troubles both civil and agricultural. Although some days were spent in rest, Hadrian continued to show discomfort and preoccupation. He found it difficult to concentrate on his work. My own spirit mirrored his. I was unable to avoid or ignore the signs continually presented to me along the Nile of those simple souls who had died in its waters. Many of them had been of young men who by sacrifice or mishap, had offered themselves to the river as tribute to its bounty. From the Imperial barge I saw evidence of their apotheosis in the shrines erected in their honor, and of the cults dedicated to their memories. As we traveled further I was more preoccupied with the notion of my plan and became filled with a reverent sense of purpose. Slowly, joy began to fill me. When Hadrian asked about my up-lifted mood and its cause, I was unable to speak the truth but explained myself as fired by the excitement of travel and the wonders surrounding us.

By October we reached the city of Hermopolis Magna to celebrate the anniversary of the death of Osiris, the occasion being one of particular importance. This would not be observance filled with revelry, but one of solemnity. There was great concern for the condition of the land. For this reason the Emperor’s presence held particular importance. Hadrian made contact with the priests and devoted long hours in conversation and study, seeking guidance and a solution to the emergency.

It was at this time that Julia Balbilla organized a pilgrimage to local shrines. I was extended an invitation by Sabina and this meant she expected me to accept. In the company of Athenoseos, who had recently shown concern for my stability and seemed never from my side, I reluctantly left Hadrian behind. The company visited the tomb of Petosiris, a well known priest whose life had been taken by the Nile, centuries before. Having obtained immortality and deification by sacrificing himself to the river, he was revered and honored. Most striking was the tomb of the young girl, Isadora. The little shrine on the bank of the Nile was profuse with garlands and a multitude of tributes, and the procession of worshipers seemed endless.

“She was called to Isis,” Julia Balbilla explained.

“The child lost her life during a dry season many years ago. Hunger and illness plagued the land and many had already died. In those days human sacrifice had gone out of fashion and selection of a victim for sacrifice by the priests was unacceptable. Isadora had walked into the river to bathe. She was not seen again. Soon after, the drought came to an end and the land flourished once again for several seasons. The child was taken to have been selected for her purity by Osiris, and she was immortalized by the priests.”

I was moved by the tale and remained at the shrine for some time, in contemplation. Similar stories were told throughout the region and the intensity with which they were related heightened as the date of the celebration to Osiris approached. Nothing could reduce the ever-present anxiety I felt for Hadrian’s concern. No soothsayer, magician, or priest who spoke to gods, none of the mysterious and strange people who populated the land of Egypt and who insured the Emperor that fate was in his favor, could lift the pallor of cataclysm that constantly occupied my mind. Every moment away from him was a time of torture.

I wondered if my participation in Julia Balbilla’s pilgrimage had been arranged with the intent to keep me from him, and I suspected intrigues wherever I went. Tongues would become silent in my presence. As days passed I experienced a heightened sense of being moved in mind and body toward an unknown destiny and I felt myself a stranger in a strange land. Every aspect of the land through which we passed seemed somehow familiar and the  haunting kinship and peace within me seemed associated with the river, and this familiarity made me expectant. I knew forces were at work. Lucius Commodus remained behind as requested by Hadrian. My sole companion was Athenoseos.. Even he could not make me feel safe. His attention to me was lost in my self-absorption and I never realized until too late his degree of devotion in the many nights he spent at the foot of my pallet when I was not with Hadrian, silently watching over me. Although we had grown close in friendship, there were still parts of me that I trusted to no one. Athenoseos knew much was on my mind, and with love he pressed me to speak of my sorrow and dark mood. Understanding little of the sweeping changes occurring in me, the boy ascribed my temperament to the complexities of my unorthodox relationship. He stayed by me and like a jealous wife guarded my time, trying to protect me from those whom he believed were the cause of my discomfort. I prized his loyalty but resisted his controlling ways, and we sometimes fought like lovers. Indeed it was assumed by many that we were illicit lovers doomed to face the Emperor’s wrath. Hadrian understood our bond and enjoyed the rumors and speculation it caused. So it was with relief that I returned to him.

For three days I remained close him, fearing that each moment not spent at his side was one deducted from an allotted sum, like petals peeled from a bud, each reducing the beauty of the whole into nothingness. In the deep of night I clung to him in desperation. When I was able to sleep I found no peace in dreams but wandered through landscapes peopled by phantoms without faces, all receding into an indistinguishable distance. Through these torments, with effort I would search for Hadrian’s face among the mass of bodies and in the darkness of unknown streets and fearsome byways. Awakened by his hand when he would have sensed my terror, he soothed me with his embrace and only then would I escape into peace for the few remaining hours.

In Hermopolis Magna a somber mood prevailed over the land. The city’s citizens prepared for rites which many hoped would bring an end to the drought. October had always been a month of  promise of  Osiris’ abundant gifts. Clouds would fill with life-giving rain and pressed against the southern mountains to spill their content upon the land. Melting snows from distant slopes flowed into rivers and streams that merged with the Mother River and the Nile would become a torrent, thick and dark with the captured soil of the lands through which it coursed, spilling over its banks and covering the land with a renewed life, Egyptians paid homage to Osiris. So the cycle went in good times. But for two seasons Egypt had not been blessed. To many, the presence of the Emperor pointed to an end of the despair and to that degree, all Egypt looked to Hadrian as Osiris incarnate.

Hadrian became even more withdrawn. I was particularly anxious for his health and begged him to be attended by his physician, but he refused. Even Lucius Commodus could not convince him to seek medical attention. Hadrian believed that only by divine intervention would he bring an end to his affliction. It was to this purpose that he arranged to be taken by ferry to a remote location some distance up-river from Hermopolis Magna. There, a hermit and holy man was said to live, one who’se magic and powers to heal were held in high esteem.

Hadrian had become weakened by the return of terrifying nightmares; those horrid shapes of dying children clinging to the milk less breasts of mothers whose eyes bore deeply into his. Their pain penetrated to his soul with the accusation of their loss. His eyes lacked the luster they once held and his cheeks became sunken, giving him the appearance of added years. Traces of blood again appeared on his bedding and in my closeness to him an aroma akin to death could be smelled upon his breath. I fully recognized that relief of a drastic measure was in need. Arriving at the appointed time, we were ferried past a small settlement of mud huts built near the river’s bank. Unlike the grand cities of Alexandria, Thebes, Babylon or Hermopolis, Hir-Wer was the truest representation of the condition of the land and its people. There were no temples or ziggurats, no grand colonnades save the remnants of the ancient temple of Rameses II looming in the distance. There was no thriving bazaar to be seen or heard for all signs of luxury which the land enjoyed were absent here. The village was marked by toil and deprivation. By nightfall the location of the hermit’s shack appeared at a bend in the river, and there we landed without the usual crowds that had accompanied the Emperor on his travels. It was a solemn place, simple and deserted.

“Allow me to see what this is all about,” Commodus suggested, being suspect of possibility of ambush. “This place does not seem to be too promising, Hadrian. What do you hope to learn?”

“This man is one of some repute, Lucius. Satisfy your curiosity. Take one of the guards and return quickly.” I moved to follow, but Hadrian held me back.

“Stay with me. I want you close!”

These words raised my apprehension and I too, became suspect of the location. Soon Lucius returned with assurance that all was well and the hermit was waiting. We entered the mud hut and sat on an earthen floor with only the light from the cooking hearth to illuminate the interior. Seated on a wooden stool, the hermit motioned for our party to find places where they could. Hadrian was given the only remaining stool and he brought it close to the old man’s side.

“I am told you have some power, old one. What do I call you?”

“I go by no name. I have need of none for my solitary existence posses no necessity. What is it that you seek? I can see that much troubles you, as would any ruler. But there is more than that position and title which brings you here.”

Hadrian leaned close to him and in the light of the fire they appeared as two confidants engaged in crafting a plot.

“I have a charge, old man. I have much to do!

In this land much is demanded of me. I wish guidance, for the challenge that Egypt lays at my feet is beyond my mortal abilities. My body ails and denies me. You are a healer. Tell me what must be done, for there is need to follow tradition and satisfy rituals. Others before you have given advice. Tell me what you can?”

Hadrian’s face reflected the leaping flames and the walls of the hut danced with shadows. Outside, the night was deathly still save the plaintive sound of an owl some distance away. Like a soothing voice, the river water brushed against the bank in rhythmic waves. I noticed myself
becoming drugged in some strange fashion, and saw that the others were experiencing the same effect. The old man spoke quietly, hypnotically, directing the Emperor’s attention to himself until Hadrian seemed relaxed and at peace. I noticed that the hermit had himself gone into some form of trance. So many times before in similar circumstances I had felt the heavy hand of magic and with a variety of rituals, soothsayers had created a most compelling event. There was no sign of magic or of the supernatural divination here. All was simplicity. No smoke-filled room clouded our vision. No amulets or sacrificial animal spilled its blood. No subterranean cavern echoed the sounds of spirits!

“There is one close to you...,” the hermit began speaking. “He shall be your salvation! The thing you ask will be given you, but at the cost of your most dear possession. The time is at hand for all to change.

“Trust that all that must happen will happen..., for it was begun long ago and like the course of the stars, its beginning was its end!”

The old man’s voice, his words, invaded me and very part of my being understood the meaning. I was caressed by sound and lifted from myself, no longer feeling the cold earth beneath me. I was alone with no barriers to confine my being, filled with understanding and resolve. All became clear!

I cannot say how long it took for me to come to my senses, but I became aware that I was the only one still sitting. I knew more had been said, but I had not heard. My spirit had been taken elsewhere. Hadrian was waiting at the door, his form darkly outlined against a moonless sky. I stood, acutely aware that I was center of attention.

“Come, Antinoos,” he called to me. “Our time here is finished.”

Curious of what had transpired between them, I walked beside him, waiting for him to relate the event. Lucius had gone ahead to prepare the ferry for departure.

“But what was said?” I asked.

“Much, and similar to Pancrates’ words.” I feared his tone. Did he know what was in my heart?

“I love and need you, Antinoos. There is much here that points to you and this makes me fear for you. Promise me you will observe the greatest care for your well-being, for there are signs that give me great concern.”

I stopped before we embarked and looked at him with the deepest affection.

“I promise I will never leave your side for as long as you want me, Hadrian. I shall be with you always!”

The ferry moved into the middle of the river and following the instructions given by the hermit, we anchored to spend the night in prayer and silence. I took two measures of wine from a skin that the old man had given Hadrian as a gift. Hadrian held my hand so tightly that it seemed he understood what was about to happen. Lulled by the ferry’s movement upon the water, and with the help of the heady wine which had been passed to all as a guard against the early morning dampness of the river, all fell into sleep. Hadrian’s grasp relaxed. I rose. Placing my lips upon his, I touched him lightly and bid him farewell. I made my way out of the cabin and observing all sentries asleep at their posts, lowered myself into the tiny craft that had been lashed to the side of the ferry and allowed myself to be taken by the current of the river. The new day was about to break and with it, the festival of the Nile would be celebrated in commemoration of Osiris’ death. The craft slid silently along with the current. Approaching the tiny village we had passed that afternoon, I saw a shallow place on the opposite shore and made my way there to land. The water was cold. I knew the shock would be brief if I did the thing correctly. Setting the little craft back into the current to find its own destination, I disrobed and placed my cloak and sandals upon the bank. Taking a deep and final breath, I walked into the river.

About The Author

Raymond G. Berube, M.Ed. is a teacher, author, therapist currently living in Aachen Germany with his partner of more than 25 years. He has studied hypnosis, NLP, and Stress Management. Raymond has trained with Dr. Milton H Erikson, and with Dr.Piero Ferrucci of Florence, Italy in 1986 while there doing research for a novel about Emperor Hadrian, on sale with Amazon. At present he is a tutor of English to young people and also teaches English as a second language to adults. He has been involved with Spiritualism and mediumship in the past, resulting in two books titled You, The Medium, and Simon Speaks. He has also authored several novels and collections of short stories, all available at Amazon books.